UK-based pregnancy and parenting forums that aren't Mumsnet?

September 21, 2018 2:13 AM

Mr Fish and I are expecting a fry in London. Yay! But we're not from the UK originally and have tons of UK specific questions. We can't in good conscience support Mumsnet due to the hideous transphobia prevalent on that forum. Are there any alternatives? Details below.

We're Australian, and most of our friends are either child-free or not from the UK either. We have loads of logistical questions about pregnancy and parenting in the UK - eg, about maternity pay, childcare (omg when do we have to go on waiting lists? what's the deal with nanny shares? how do we navigate child care vouchers?), car seats (do we need one if we don't have a car?), what's the deal with cloth nappies, what's the etiquette with the Baby On Board badge etc. Mumsnet is the obvious solution, but it's really a hotbed TERFs and transphobia in the UK, and I don't want to take part in that, nor do I want to overload Metafilter!

So I'm after a relatively well-populated UK parenting board where I can ask these practical questions. It would be helpful if it had a slight London bent, as that's where we live, but it's not necessary. We're primarily after answers to very practical, logistical questions, not necessarily a discussion of parenting philosophies (basically all we know so far is I am VERY VERY VERY MUCH giving birth in a hospital and ABSOLUTELY NOT AT HOME, and I am returning to work ASAP, so I suspect we're on the non-crunchy end of the spectrum, but that's about it).

Does this unicorn exist? Help me, British parents!

posted by nerdfish to Human Relations (12 answers total)

My other half used Baby & Bump through 2 pregnancies (and still reads even though our kids aren't babies any more). Full disclosure: I don't read it so I have no idea if there's any transphobia there.

how do we navigate child care vouchers

Heads-up the CCV scheme is closing on Oct 4th so it might be too late if you haven't signed up yet. CCVs are, I think, better value if a) you have one kid, or b) only one parent works full time. If you have more than one kid, or only one parent can get CCVs, the new Tax-Free Childcare scheme (which is replacing CCVs) is better value, however you can only use this if both parents are working.
And on that subject, Money Saving Expert is a good source of useful info on the financial side of things. Certainly easier to understand than the official gov websites.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:24 AM on September 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

Not a forum but thought I should mention it in case you weren't aware already - a lot of new / expecting parents use the local NCT groups as a source of information and support. We personally didn't find it useful but I know a lot of parents who found it incredibly helpful and still hang out with the other parents they met there.
posted by crocomancer at 3:48 AM on September 21, 2018

For what it's worth, we found (and so did many people we know) that the NCT was a good way of finding other middle-class people who live locally who are having a baby around the same time as you, who you can hang out with on maternity/paternity leave. It is not necessarily an excellent source of medical advice, especially if you have any specific complications that are outside of the usual pregnancy (eg if they might talk a lot about home births even if you medically can't have one, or "natural" childbirth even if doctors have strongly recommended an epidural for you).
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:59 AM on September 21, 2018

https://www.netmums.com/ is another UK parenting forum.

I read a couple of months ago that mumsnet brought in new rules to ban transphobia so maybe it is better now? https://www.theguardian.com/media/2018/jun/13/mumsnet-transgender-row-feminism-tougher-forum-rules
posted by JonB at 3:59 AM on September 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

I think this may be tough to find -- mumsnet is so ubiquitous and I admit that I find it very, very helpful, especially for questions regarding children with special needs -- though I had no idea about transphobia (and am horrified to hear it) and have never come across any. I only search for very specific things (daycare in X place, what's Y hospital like, is this GP any good?), so maybe that's why I haven't seen it, and I have often found the posters helpful, progressive, and kind. Is it the website itself that's transphobic or do you have the concern that it's the posters themselves?

I know my neighborhood has a mother's group on Facebook, but I'm not on Facebook. NCT can be helpful (I liked it, though know some who really do not), as is just calling up places which for some reason I'm hesitant to do (i.e., call the agency who deals with vouchers, etc.) Better yet, for things like nanny shares, just meeting as many people in your neighborhood as possible is the best (though we found our nanny share on nannyshare.co.uk). But particularly in London, you have to be almost aggressive to meet people, and it can be easier to make friends with other expats. Once the baby is here though you will find meeting other parents fairly easy if you do the rounds of soft play/playground and take the extra step of exchanging numbers. And of course metafilter is a great place to ask questions as well.

Good luck! London is a wonderful place to have kids.
posted by heavenknows at 4:03 AM on September 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

Also one point re: the "non-crunchy" aspect, I actually find parenting in the UK much less crunchy in general than in the US. It took me a while to realize, for example, that home births do not mean crunchy. The home birth rate in London is fairly high, but it's not so always because people are crunchy (though many of them are) -- the experience of post-natal care in a NHS London hospital is just not always that great, because you have to stay on the loud ward with a lot of other parents/babies, and your partner often cannot stay overnight with you. (Some let the partner sleep on a chair, but not in my hospital -- maybe this has changed.) They are also often understaffed -- when I had my first kid, there were 8 midwives on duty and they were supposed to have 15, and you couldn't even really get a cup of tea. It can be a bit of a shock! That's why some women I know who are not crunchy at all preferred to be at home.

Same for going back to work. There is more crunchiness about maternity leave here (you aren't taking less than a year! Oh my goodness!) but that was more about class, I think, because a lot of people (like me) just couldn't afford that.

I only add this to say that coming from abroad, I had really different assumptions about why people did things like home birth that I had to keep questioning!
posted by heavenknows at 4:19 AM on September 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

Although it isn’t UK specific, I highly recommend finding the subreddit on r/babybumps for your due date month and then finding the Facebook group that will have split off from it. I did this for my February baby and it has been absolutely invaluable to have a group of moms in the same stage to lean on, ask questions of, and compare experiences with. In my particular group we have one family with a trans partner and there are moms from the UK and across the globe.
posted by tatiana wishbone at 4:25 AM on September 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Not to threadsit - my issue is with the website itself, not individual users. I have no doubt that there are loads of lovely Mumsnet users, and I appreciate that many people have had nothing but positive experiences with Mumsnet. My issue is that the platform has been consistently used to organise enormously harmful anti-trans campaigns, which founders and moderators have done little to stop. For that reason I can't in good conscience support Mumsnet as a platform in any way.
posted by nerdfish at 4:28 AM on September 21, 2018 [6 favorites]

Ah I see, and that's shocking. (Re: your update). No, I can't think of anything that quite replicates mumsnet that is UK specific. I would look more locally (ie, local Facebook groups/neighborhoods) if you're looking for UK advice specifically -- and that may also be a nice way of getting to know the local parents' scene. If you can't find one, I would literally just flag people with babies you see in your neighborhood to ask if they know of any; people are surprisingly kind about sharing info on resources.

(Also I didn't mean to put you off giving birth in a London hospital! I was very happy with the birth experience, but was just trying to clarify the home birth equals crunchy issue.)
posted by heavenknows at 4:45 AM on September 21, 2018

Response by poster: Also adding that I only mentioned choice of birth place to give a sense of where we are coming from. I have an excellent midwife and care team and am very well informed on our options. I am not choosing a home birth. This is not up for discussion.
posted by nerdfish at 5:28 AM on September 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

Sorry, wasn't trying to discuss home birth but give context on your assumptions about other people's decisions and how it relates to UK motherhood. Sounds like you know what you're doing, especially if you have a care team you trust and good HR who can guide the way. Good luck!
posted by heavenknows at 5:53 AM on September 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

You can subscribe to an NHS mailing list that is called something like 'Your baby at x months' that linked to the Babycentre boards, which I found was generally pretty sensible and a good resource for practical questions. Netmums is ok but a bit huggy. [I had/have exactly the same Mumsnet issues. No clicks from me]. I Hate Facebook but if you can find the right local groups (usually some combination of Mums + Placenames] they are basically a decent source of local info.
posted by threetwentytwo at 8:38 AM on September 21, 2018 [1 favorite]