How to deal with '(s)he's out of my league!!' feelings
September 10, 2018 7:32 AM Subscribe
In my single state I am happy and confident, I embrace my flaws and can put aside what other people think. But once I start having feelings for someone (even if they tell me they have feelings for me and at first I am uninterested), I start feeling like an unworthy toad and feel like they deserve to be dating a supermodel, not me. Does everyone feel that way? How do I get over it?
Fix me please, these sudden-onsent inadequacy feelings are interfering with my lovelife!!
Looking for articles and anecdotes.
Fix me please, these sudden-onsent inadequacy feelings are interfering with my lovelife!!
Looking for articles and anecdotes.
I've dealt with this and it really can cause complexity and distraction. Anecdotes:
1) Have you tried not "getting over it" but just "getting through it"? This is now my habitual practice. Since I know it's coming, plan to just let the feelings happen and stick it out until the point where I am not feeling that way anymore. Sometimes it lasts a few weeks or months, sometimes it lasts one date. Once the extreme self--consciousness fades away, I can more realistically gauge them, me, and us together.
2) I separate my thoughts from their thoughts. If they think I'm worthy of spending time with, then I can respect their autonomy by allowing them to believe that. Just like if they love mushrooms and I think mushrooms are gross, I'm not going to second-guess their right to feel that way. How they feel about you is, in a way, not at all your business (insofar as "your business" equals "things you have agency over").
Unless they ask your opinion, it's dis-honoring to try to tell them how they should think. It can be codependent since you're saying, "I know what's best for you and am going to arrange your life accordingly." Bonus: This perspective requires you to acknowledge that you don't have the 100% correct opinion about everything, which is also a valuable lens to bring to a relationship. In these moments of doubt, can you be open to this question: "What if I'm wrong about how unworthy I am?"
3) It has been helpful to learn about the many things people are attracted to and see that this attraction and love can be real and true! Notice loving, accepting relationships between a wide range of people. Let these become the default. Pay attention if your internal voice tries to dismiss or discredit these relationships.
4) Consider whether this is pointing you toward something you would like to address in yourself -- some self-hatred, a defect you actually want to change, unresolved pain that was directed at you in the past. What is it that flips a switch when someone seems to like you? If you like yourself but don't think anyone else can justifiably like you, there may be some nuance to your confidence that is not letting you fully embody self-love. Here's a phrase: "I deserve to love and be loved." Does this flow easily or does it get caught on the way out? If the latter, that's another entry point to examine the roots behind this.
5) Is it possible you don't like them all that much and your heart is trying to put up road blocks? I've experienced this. I didn't want to articulate that they weren't suited to me. It felt mean or confrontational. This was definitely a deficit on my part. Since I hadn't grown enough to be able to understand and communicate my feelings, I used, "I just don't deserve you" to get around the uncomfortable truth. It was partly conscious and partly unconscious. It isn't the case every time -- but it definitely has been some of the time.
posted by ramenopres at 11:03 AM on September 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
1) Have you tried not "getting over it" but just "getting through it"? This is now my habitual practice. Since I know it's coming, plan to just let the feelings happen and stick it out until the point where I am not feeling that way anymore. Sometimes it lasts a few weeks or months, sometimes it lasts one date. Once the extreme self--consciousness fades away, I can more realistically gauge them, me, and us together.
2) I separate my thoughts from their thoughts. If they think I'm worthy of spending time with, then I can respect their autonomy by allowing them to believe that. Just like if they love mushrooms and I think mushrooms are gross, I'm not going to second-guess their right to feel that way. How they feel about you is, in a way, not at all your business (insofar as "your business" equals "things you have agency over").
Unless they ask your opinion, it's dis-honoring to try to tell them how they should think. It can be codependent since you're saying, "I know what's best for you and am going to arrange your life accordingly." Bonus: This perspective requires you to acknowledge that you don't have the 100% correct opinion about everything, which is also a valuable lens to bring to a relationship. In these moments of doubt, can you be open to this question: "What if I'm wrong about how unworthy I am?"
3) It has been helpful to learn about the many things people are attracted to and see that this attraction and love can be real and true! Notice loving, accepting relationships between a wide range of people. Let these become the default. Pay attention if your internal voice tries to dismiss or discredit these relationships.
4) Consider whether this is pointing you toward something you would like to address in yourself -- some self-hatred, a defect you actually want to change, unresolved pain that was directed at you in the past. What is it that flips a switch when someone seems to like you? If you like yourself but don't think anyone else can justifiably like you, there may be some nuance to your confidence that is not letting you fully embody self-love. Here's a phrase: "I deserve to love and be loved." Does this flow easily or does it get caught on the way out? If the latter, that's another entry point to examine the roots behind this.
5) Is it possible you don't like them all that much and your heart is trying to put up road blocks? I've experienced this. I didn't want to articulate that they weren't suited to me. It felt mean or confrontational. This was definitely a deficit on my part. Since I hadn't grown enough to be able to understand and communicate my feelings, I used, "I just don't deserve you" to get around the uncomfortable truth. It was partly conscious and partly unconscious. It isn't the case every time -- but it definitely has been some of the time.
posted by ramenopres at 11:03 AM on September 10, 2018 [5 favorites]
The best relationships are the ones where both people think they're fighting above their weight.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 11:13 AM on September 10, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 11:13 AM on September 10, 2018 [7 favorites]
I've often had trouble in the early stages of dating, especially online dating, with convincing myself that I'd be desirable enough partner. I've always been a little amazed when partners describe me as desirable, especially physically. What I ultimately concluded was that desirability has different components. There's being a general good person, and a kind, considerate attentive partner, and I eventually realized I was not too bad at that. (Or perhaps, that the bar for that was lower that I'd first assumed.) There's also conversational chemistry and sense of humor, but that feels like a thing that's usually obvious to both people. If my date is enjoying my jokes, and we're getting on well I'll know it; I don't have to wonder.
So the last part, that I had the most trouble with, was physical attraction. I'm a man, and I've never fit the masculine ideal well. And so I've had to take on faith that there were women who found me cute or even sexy. Who overlooked what I perceived as my flaws.
I decided to believe women when they told me that I was their type. That they liked skinny guys, or shaggy hair, or thought that I had a cute face. That I'm never going to understand such comments because I don't have the perspective to view myself as a potential partner would. All I can do is assume that because multiple women have found me attractive that it's unlikely the person I'm with now doesn't believe it when she says it. I don't need to understand the physical attraction component. I just need to focus aspects of the relationship I can control.
posted by serathen at 11:46 AM on September 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
So the last part, that I had the most trouble with, was physical attraction. I'm a man, and I've never fit the masculine ideal well. And so I've had to take on faith that there were women who found me cute or even sexy. Who overlooked what I perceived as my flaws.
I decided to believe women when they told me that I was their type. That they liked skinny guys, or shaggy hair, or thought that I had a cute face. That I'm never going to understand such comments because I don't have the perspective to view myself as a potential partner would. All I can do is assume that because multiple women have found me attractive that it's unlikely the person I'm with now doesn't believe it when she says it. I don't need to understand the physical attraction component. I just need to focus aspects of the relationship I can control.
posted by serathen at 11:46 AM on September 10, 2018 [4 favorites]
This is imposter syndrome, and people get it about all kinds of things. You just have to recognize the futility of worthiness, and accept with gratitude good things you know or suspect you don't deserve, because life will surely deny many things you very much deserve.
That said, it's charitable to recognize if you're actively bad for a romantic partner and s/he lacks the willpower or insight to act on that, and to try to fix whatever is wrong, or make a graceful exit if it isn't fixable.
posted by MattD at 12:29 PM on September 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
That said, it's charitable to recognize if you're actively bad for a romantic partner and s/he lacks the willpower or insight to act on that, and to try to fix whatever is wrong, or make a graceful exit if it isn't fixable.
posted by MattD at 12:29 PM on September 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
I agree with I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! I think you should concentrate all your energy on the "she's really great" half of the "she's really great; I'm not really great" idea and assume she feels the same way about you and be delighted that you've found one another, and I also suggest you take a moment now to get on your knees and thank whatever luck you had that you got this strain of the virus instead of the one where as soon as she shows any appreciation for you, you decide she's absolute dreck and you can't stand the sight of her. I've had partners who had each strain, and yours handled well is lovely and the other is a nightmare. I tend to feel the way you do about my partners, too, but I've discovered that when both people feel it and both can get over the "I don't deserve this" part of it enough to function and not freak the other person out, it's great and fun and exciting.
posted by Don Pepino at 6:03 PM on September 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Don Pepino at 6:03 PM on September 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
This is weird advice, but maybe it will be helpful. Go to a porn site and scan the models in the most popular videos. Note the diversity of body types, ages, looks. There is a much wider range of physical looks people are attracted to than "model'.
I don't know if you've every acted in a play before, but it's surprisingly easy to become attracted to someone by simply pretending. The brain plays a big part in what we find attractive.
Personally? I think physical attraction is highly overrated. It's such a superficial part of any relationship. I can imagine being with someone I am not completely attracted to, but I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone I can't have a good conversation with. I've had friends that have dated models, trophy wives, etc. with personalities and / or intellects that left a lot to be desired. Physical attraction is a small bar quickly hurdled, the rest of dating is figuring out whether or not you enjoy being with the person. And if the guy can't figure that out, he's not worth it.
posted by xammerboy at 7:18 PM on September 10, 2018
I don't know if you've every acted in a play before, but it's surprisingly easy to become attracted to someone by simply pretending. The brain plays a big part in what we find attractive.
Personally? I think physical attraction is highly overrated. It's such a superficial part of any relationship. I can imagine being with someone I am not completely attracted to, but I cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone I can't have a good conversation with. I've had friends that have dated models, trophy wives, etc. with personalities and / or intellects that left a lot to be desired. Physical attraction is a small bar quickly hurdled, the rest of dating is figuring out whether or not you enjoy being with the person. And if the guy can't figure that out, he's not worth it.
posted by xammerboy at 7:18 PM on September 10, 2018
feel like they deserve to be dating a supermodel
You need to take apart and analyze this sentence because it's really toxic. Good looks in a partner are not a prize you earn.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:51 AM on September 11, 2018
You need to take apart and analyze this sentence because it's really toxic. Good looks in a partner are not a prize you earn.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:51 AM on September 11, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by metahawk at 9:04 AM on September 10, 2018 [7 favorites]