How to avoid one-sided conversations with people I like?
July 27, 2018 12:54 AM   Subscribe

Dear Hivemind, I sometimes get trapped in conversations where after a while I desperately want to get out of the situation but cannot. This happens even with people I like, mostly in confined spaces like cars and trains, but also in other situations where it is not easy to remove oneself from a conversation.

A bit of background: I am (as you probably guessed) quite introverted. I can have long, fulfilling conversations with people with whom I share a common interest, I'm also good at listening to other people's stories, have even worked as a (semi-trained) volunteer at a phone support line. Somewhere along the way I probably unlearned how to be bad at listening. This is not a problem in a professional context, since I have full control over how long the calls are, but it is stressfull in personal conversations.

The following situation happens: I meet a friend or relative who is passionate about a certain field, say flower taxonomy. We catch up on our lives, then a lull in conversation happens, then they start explaining some aspect of flower taxonomy, I listen to them, they continue explaining. I feel like my entire mind is overwritten with flower taxonomy, when I search my brain for another topic to switch to, I draw a blank, only finding a mess of anxiety and numbness. I develop an urge to flee, which I cannot do without offending the person talking at me, I feel utterly powerless and I'm left unhappy and deflated.

There surely must be a better way.

One thing that helps is keeping total control of the conversation, preparing a list of questions in advance which I can use to redirect the conversation. That takes a lot of energy, though, and is also not really how conversations should be.

Any advice?
posted by Triton to Human Relations (20 answers total) 19 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: You can kind of... guide a person out of their area of focus. I don't know how possible this is for you when you're drawing a blank and get anxious, but maybe you could learn your own warning signs for that and start the process before you go all brain numb?

Basically, to use your example, your friend is telling you about flower taxonomy. They go on for a while and during a lull you ask "are flower names ever affected by the animals they have relationships with? Like if a certain flower attracts a certain kind of bee, do their names ever get related?" They get excited and tell you about an example of that, then during another lull you say "I'm concerned about colony collapse disorder, but I heard that bees are making a comeback from it!" They say yes how great, maybe talk about the flowers that depend on the bees that are bouncing back. You say "And another thing that's going more okay than I thought: fatty foods are good for you!" and by that point, or however many steps it took you to get there, you're on to a totally different and maybe less focused conversation.

The key is you have to start with interruptions that are adjacent to the topic, not glaringly obvious that you're trying to change the subject or that your brain has zoned out, and kind of guide it along or break up the infodumps, making the topic lighter or more general each time. It's hard. People who are very very good at this kind of thing are the kind of people I admire greatly, and it might be something that doesn't come at all naturally to you. But it's worth a try now and again, especially if, like me, you have a lot of friends who hyperfixate on things, have special interests that I invite them to share about, or are academics used to lecturing.

I do wonder if, since these are people you like, presumably they like you too and wouldn't become angry if sometimes you were just honest. Say "I'm so sorry, I kind of zoned out there for a minute because I don't have much interest in [topic] so that was hard for me to follow. Let's talk about [recent personal life development] instead? How is [development] going??" Always follow up a shutdown with an invitation to talk about themselves so you can communicate that it's not about them and you still care for their company and conversation, just maybe not a mini lecture on flower taxonomy.
posted by Mizu at 1:53 AM on July 27, 2018 [6 favorites]


Excuse yourself for a bathroom break. That few minutes away is often just enough time to both break their flow, and give yourself enough of a pause and change of scenery to think of a new topic.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:57 AM on July 27, 2018 [10 favorites]


Best answer: I like to try to bring it back to why they are interested in that topic, because it turns it more into a reminisce than a lecture. Examples: 1) when did you discover this passion? 2) wow were you always this interested in x? 3) what was the first/favourite x fact that made you want to know more?

Then you might be able to redirect to something you were passionate about as a kid, or what you first learned about y that has fed your passion.
posted by london explorer girl at 3:07 AM on July 27, 2018 [10 favorites]


Best answer: Silence in a conversation makes some people anxious. One friend explained to me that she felt it was up to her to fill lulls in conversation. They made her anxious.

Us introverts need to understand that directly asking for what we need from sensory-occupiers is not rude despite what passive so-called manners suggest. Sensory-occupiers don't get subtle cues to de-occupy sensory space. We have to be explicit with them.

I've learned to say something along the lines of: "I like your company and I need some silence. Could you stay with me quiet for a few moments?" It is radical, and intimate. And it can turn the other person's focus back to your mutual engagement, and release them from their talk anxiety, if that's relevant.
posted by Thella at 3:47 AM on July 27, 2018 [11 favorites]


Ask for what you need! "Hey, I'm an introvert, and I totally love your company but I'm feeling overwhelmed and could use some silence now. Could you give me a few seconds as I catch a breath?"
posted by yueliang at 4:15 AM on July 27, 2018 [8 favorites]


I see on refresh that Thella worded it so well too! Take your pick :)
posted by yueliang at 4:16 AM on July 27, 2018


Best answer: Just as a data point, I'm one of those extroverted introvert types (I love parties and meeting new people but I need loads of downtime to regroup and I can happily spend weeks at a time barely interacting with anyone who doesn't live in my computer) and I also know what you mean about this type of conversation as I get stuck in them too (and am reading along interested in how to gracefully bow out of them). However, I vote for the gentle redirecting or the bathroom break suggested above over the direct approach. I have a close friend who's done that to me a few times and it doesn't make me feel like "Ooh! This person is honestly asking me for what she wants!" It made me feel embarrassed and bad and self-conscious. And yeah, other people's feelings aren't your responsibility, yada yada yada, but not everyone thrives in the uber-honest world of Metafilter's Stating Your Needs All The Time (and your friend may never tell you that they felt bad afterward). Sometimes politeness/being kind to your friends is about keeping up harmless little fictions like "I'm fascinated about what you say, really!"--which is what the gentle redirect does (or the bathroom break when you just HAVE to get away from someone's monologue, which, honest, I totally get!) I guess this is kind of like an Ask/Guess culture thing where what works with people depends on what kind of "culture" they come from, but just be aware that the wordings suggested won't necessarily have the desired effect with everyone.
posted by tiger tiger at 4:32 AM on July 27, 2018 [32 favorites]


I vote for the bathroom too. It gives you a break from the overwhelm and a chance to take a breath and come up with a plan.

If you think it would be helpful you can distill some tips you think you're most likely to use into your notes app on your phone and topics you are more at ease with, then review them when you're taking your bathroom break and pick one.

Five ways to (subtly) change the topic of conversation

How to Gracefully Change the Subject

Random Conversation Starters
posted by bunderful at 4:54 AM on July 27, 2018 [4 favorites]


Best answer: Sometimes in that situation I do a radical redirect, but framed as intense interest in another thing. This only works if there's a plausible topic, but how about...

"Oh my gosh, I don't want to derail flower taxonomy, but I don't want to forget to ask you about your mom's surgery/your sister's wedding/your new job. How did all that work out, I've been dying to know?!"

You're cutting off their lecture at the knees, but you're doing it because of another personal interest so that soothes the offense a bit.
posted by mccxxiii at 5:03 AM on July 27, 2018 [10 favorites]


Best answer: I don’t reckon it’s an introversion thing. I reckon it’s a bored to tears thing. Happens to me. I have more patience for those I love. But when I’m over stimulated or tired I just find things/ people, I don’t know, to be boooooring. Like dreams are boring. So are detailed convos about things I’m only being polite about. I wish more people worried if they were boring people to tears. I’ve been guilty of both crimes. But it happens to me about once a fortnight and I just want to run away screaming.

Leave a micro pause and say,”That's extraordinary.” And then say,” So did you ever work out/find/discover the solution/ thing/reason/ for x?” Divert and make them talk about themselves. They won’t notice you changed the subject away from boring topic because you diverted it to their favourite topic, themselves.

Although I suspect the change in topic won’t help by then. You’re really probably just wanting to chew your arm off and leave if you’re like me.

My sympathies!
posted by taff at 5:07 AM on July 27, 2018 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Don't put too much pressure on yourself to control these kinds of conversations; it's really hard. Bringing up something personal that you wanted to follow up is really good and you don't have to give a reason for interrupting. "Hey I just remembered, how is your mom?" If you're en route somewhere in a car or a train, try, "Oh sorry to break in but look at that building..." Something that draws attention to what's around you.

Otherwise, maybe try to avoid those situations and do other kinds of activities, like visiting a museum. Long conversations are very taxing and I bet the other person in your scenario goes home wondering how to avoid it in the future too.
posted by BibiRose at 5:52 AM on July 27, 2018


Best answer: This used to happen to me before I decided that it was (a) a recurring pattern that reliably left me miserable (b) beyond my control (c) no threat to life or limb and therefore (d) acceptable.

Once I'd decided to allow other people to try to bore me to tears by blathering on endlessly about whatever was dear to their hearts, and allow myself just to remain on the receiving end of an information firehose whose content I was not remotely interested in for as long as it ran and not start casting about for an escape hatch, I found myself becoming more skilled in acquiring a genuine albeit perhaps temporary interest in the topic at hand and therefore more likely to get something positive from the interaction.

If somebody is content to jabber away endlessly about something they clearly have actual expertise in, then that makes my side of the conversation really easy! All I need to supply is the occasional uh huh or sorry, what? and I often find myself walking away having learned something new.

As a result of having adopted this attitude as a matter of deliberate personal policy many decades ago, I am now very very resistant to being bored; about the only things that can still do it are vapid self-absorbed try-hard YouTube wannabes like PewDiePie or Crowder or that idiot with the vaguely Assyrian name I can never be arsed to look up. And the best thing about those is that I can switch videos when one turns up on YouTube, or simply fail to act 100% spellbound by them if I'm unfortunate enough to encounter one in person. I find that they rapidly drift to somebody else when the adulation they're clearly trying to solicit is not forthcoming from me.
posted by flabdablet at 6:04 AM on July 27, 2018 [4 favorites]


Best answer: I develop an urge to flee, which I cannot do without offending the person talking at me, I feel utterly powerless and I'm left unhappy and deflated.

Yes! I am frequently on both sides of this sort of exchange which makes me feel like I am generally with the right peer group but with people (myself included) who could use a little social skills training. I've really worked to adopt an attitude like flabdablet's. Basically I start getting anxious about my own desire to be rid of the conversation but the conversation itself is usually not that bad (though maybe a little monologuish). My general issue is that my own etiquette--not wanting to interrupt, not wanting to be blunt, not wanting my friend to feel bad--is overriding my own sense of what I feel I need and I get mad at myself for not sticking up for myself. So a combination of "I am choosing this" and an actual assessment of needs--like if I need to go to the bathroom and that is making me eager to be done with the convo it's okay to say that--are usually my tricks.

Because, yes, at some level someone who is holding you hostage in a flower taxonomy lecture may be the loveliest person but they are not cluing in that you are no longer engaged. That may be a little difficult to deal with for them, but, in my world, it's a kindness to help ease them out of that situation, optimally with no loss of face to them but no exhausted anxiety on your part.

I definitely do this in the car the way others have described "Oh hey look at that building" and if they are doggedly returning to the same lecture more than once or twice, then I'll be a little more direct "I'm really interested in this topic but I think my brain is sort of full on it right now. Where are we going to go for dinner?"

And then for my own part I try to, when I am jazzed on a topic, offer breaks in the conversation, or questions of them, or some other way to tell if I am "doing that thing again" so it's clear I am at least trying to be mindful of their time and attention.
posted by jessamyn at 6:13 AM on July 27, 2018 [3 favorites]


Similar to what flabdablet is saying, I wonder if part of the trapped feeling you're experiencing is due to your own inner monologue. What are you afraid will happen if the person keeps talking? That they'll judge you for not participating in the conversation more (e.g., "That's not really how conversations should be")? That they'll quiz you afterward and discover you weren't listening? (Unlikely.) That they will literally bore you to death? (Unlikelier.) It may be helpful to identify and challenge the internal thoughts that are amplifying your distress in these situations. People sometimes talk just because the process of talking feels like a way to connect, rather than because the topic of conversation is particularly important, and I'm finding (as I hang out with some VERY talkative introverts lately) that people don't always expect the listener to listen all that closely.
posted by lazuli at 6:15 AM on July 27, 2018 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Thella and yueliang are right on -- learn to ask directly for what you need! I learned this skill on a long road trip with a good friend. We both enjoyed long rambling conversations, but 14 hours/day of conversation proved to be too much. On that trip, we both learned to say things like, "No offense, but I need a bit of quiet right now -- could we put the conversation on pause and get back to it later?" or "Could we do some quiet time for the next fifteen minutes?" or "I'd like to drift off and daydream quietly for a bit," or "Would you mind if we take a break from talking?" The more I practiced this, the easier it became. Since then, I've done the same with other people (friends, acquaintances, random strangers on the plane), and so far no one has been offended or angered by it as far as I know.

It's ok to ask for what you need! By making you feel less trapped, it may (paradoxically) make you feel more willing to interact -- once you know you can stop if you want to, it becomes less stressful to start.
posted by ourobouros at 6:34 AM on July 27, 2018 [4 favorites]


Just for another perspective, I admire the advice above to ask directly for silence but in my world it would be quite uncomfortable to do this with an acquaintance. (With a close friend it would be great.) With someone on a train who is awkwardly holding forth because they most likely don't have great social skills or the ability to read your nonverbal cues to begin with, that kind of meta-moment shifts profoundly from the very impersonal (flower taxonomy) to the sharing and intimate (your sensory needs) and even if it's said in a friendly and neutral way, I can't imagine the recipient not feeling embarrassed for talking too much at that point. I think it's much better to just totally change the topic at the first lull (no worries about graceful transitions) or take a bathroom break.
posted by nantucket at 8:34 AM on July 27, 2018 [7 favorites]


If you're a captive audience, like on a plane or train, I always feel like people understand if you say, "Well, I think I'm going to catch up on some reading now (or close my eyes for a few minutes)." If they keep talking, just give a non-committal "hmm" and/or slight nod, but keep reading. They'll eventually stop.
posted by JenMarie at 11:09 AM on July 27, 2018


Not if they're a friend or relative who is boorish, which is what the OP's described being trapped with. And although the restroom excuse is usually effective I don't know a good way to escape this situation in a car, especially if the boor is driving. Best strategy I've found is, learn to identify those friends and relatives with logorrhea and whenever possible avoid getting into situations where they can dominate you.
posted by Rash at 11:35 AM on July 27, 2018


Also, please don't feel obligated to say that you enjoy a topic of conversation that you genuinely don't. I know several people that will take that as an invitation to continue to spout off on it even more than they already do. I'd try to frame things along the lines of "I enjoy spending time with you" or something more related to the individual you're with rather than the topic of conversation that they are driving you up the wall with.
posted by Aleyn at 1:57 PM on July 27, 2018


Best answer: Early in their lecture, interrupt with a quick comment like, "that sounds interesting but you know I won't remember any of it, right?" (You may forgo the "that sounds interesting" if the topic really does bore you to tears, as opposed to the standard "I guess it's nice that someone actually cares about all that.") Give yourself an out for not catching the details on something that doesn't actually interest you.

Next is evaluating your conversation goals. Do you want to
1) Have them leave you alone to your thoughts?
2) Talk about something you both find interesting?
3) Talk about basically anything other than their pet obsession? (aka, "how 'bout those 'Niners?" in my area.)

Then evaluate the social results you want:
A) You want to remain in their good graces.
B) You want them not to hate you.
C) You don't care what they think of you, but you're stuck in each other's presence for a while and don't want that time to be miserable.
D) You don't care if they never speak to you again, but you want to avoid fallout from other people.

It is entirely within the range of polite to say, "I'm sorry, but flower taxonomy makes me twitchy. I had a biology teacher who was obsessed with it, and I hated his class, and any mention of stamens just sends me right back to that headspace." ...or similar. (I am giving you permission to lie about your biology teacher, on the grounds that it's more polite to do so than to say, "I do not give a withered fuck about your topic-of-obsession here, and I would rather count the trees we're driving past than hear about it.")

What to say next depends on your goals. If you want silence, then you say "excuse me," and wander away, or take out a book to read if you're in a car or train. If you want some neutral topic, you throw in some keywords related to some aspect of news you don't really care about, and so on.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 2:31 PM on July 27, 2018 [1 favorite]


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