Help me beanplate a wedding gift

July 4, 2018 9:29 AM

I'm a +1 to a wedding this weekend. I know the bride from having meals with her and two mutual friends, I don't think we've ever hung out one on one but I like her. I am planning to give a card with a check in it. How much should the check be?

I'm going as a +1 mostly because the friend invited to the wedding doesn't drive and the wedding is not accessible by public transit. Invited friend has also been going through a stint of unemployment, so I know her gift giving is pretty constrained. I would like to give something - I like the bride and would pursue a closer friendship if I move back to the area. I was thinking a heartfelt card and $20, but I'm worried that is insultingly small? $100 is my usual gift level for friends who invited me to a wedding, but recent thank yous have implied that's unusually generous for my friend scene.

The couple are both pretty financially comfortable and live together in a house they own. I don't have registry info and giving cash is pretty normal at recent weddings I've attended. Wedding is outside of Portland, OR.

posted by momus_window to Human Relations (11 answers total)

I’d probably do $50. But I have no reason/justification why.
posted by Weeping_angel at 9:31 AM on July 4, 2018 [16 favorites]

I’d combine with the friend whose +1 I was, if you’re comfortable doing that. Several friends-only couples did that at my wedding (the only one I have direct experience with) and it made total sense since I didn’t know some of the +1s super well, but gifts were still totally normal for a single. It’s weird but giving a single $50 cash gift feels less small/token than two 25s.
posted by supercres at 9:45 AM on July 4, 2018 [6 favorites]

I think +1 are not required nor expected to give anything. If you wish I would combine my gift with the person whose +1 I was.

You’re right $20 is too small. Put $50 in with your dates card and write a note in their card.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:52 AM on July 4, 2018 [9 favorites]

$50 seems about right to me. It says "This is a special occasion" without going overboard.
posted by bleep at 10:54 AM on July 4, 2018

I'd say $50 as well. It says "this probably doesn't cover the full cost of my dinner, but thanks for letting me be part of your day."
posted by Sweetie Darling at 11:33 AM on July 4, 2018

My husband and I (in Los Angeles) normally give $100-$200 combined, depending on friend closeness/what seems appropriate. When we got married, we received gifts ranging from $40-$250. So I think $50-$75 from the two of you combined seems appropriate.
posted by samthemander at 11:35 AM on July 4, 2018 [3 favorites]

I've been surprised how many people try to give "cover your plate" which is usually at least $100 if it's a "typical" wedding. So that's one standard to consider. It seems like most couples gave $200-300 at a recent wedding I was involved with.

Short: I would agree $20 is too small. $50 is probably fine. If you've got the $100 I wouldn't worry about it being "too generous".
posted by Lady Li at 11:36 AM on July 4, 2018 [1 favorite]

I think the gift is your friend's responsibility. As a +1 I have never given a gift.
posted by parakeetdog at 11:38 AM on July 4, 2018 [10 favorites]

Is there some way to find out (say from a maid-of-honor) what the couple's preferences on gift are? They may be able to point you to a registry, favorite charity, or it may be that the couple has no expectation of gifts. When Mrs. Serathen and I married last year, we tried to set the expectation that no gifts were expected (though of course we got some, and cash, anyway). Especially since we were financially better off than many of our friends. A heartfelt card would have been ideal.

I suspect that it's actually hard to go wrong here. But there's a wide range of expectations, all perfectly acceptable, and it since it varies so much by couple, if there's a way to send a quick email to someone who's not actually the bride, that's how I'd do it.
posted by serathen at 11:58 AM on July 4, 2018

I agree with both sentiments that as a +1 I would not expect gifting to be any sort of obligation and also $50 sounds about right for your circumstances.
posted by like_neon at 1:35 AM on July 5, 2018 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Invited friend got something off the registry, and shared registry info with me. It looks like there's still stuff on there at price points that feel good to me, so going that way.

Thanks, all!
posted by momus_window at 12:08 PM on July 5, 2018 [2 favorites]