Back to work - for a while - after birth of a preemie.
May 31, 2018 7:43 PM Subscribe
My husband and I had our baby at just 28 weeks gestation via emergency c-section on May 21. Now I've been discharged, he's going to be in the NICU for a while, and I'd like to go back to work, on a limited basis, until he's home.
How do I set expectations with my co-workers, clients, etc. during my return, knowing that I'll be back on leave in a few months?
Additional details: I work for a 4-person company in Minnesota and no state or federal (e.g. FMLA) leave laws apply. I believe that the company wants to work with me to let me work as much as I'm able while still protecting my job if and when I'm unavailable.
Had I delivered at full-term, the plan was for me to take 12 weeks of unpaid leave. Going back to work helps me preserve some of that leave while still earning some money.
I work in the employee benefits industry and most of my day-to-day tasks are done via phone and email. Things aren't so time-sensitive that a 1/2- to 1-day delay would have much impact, but there are definitely clients who expect an immediate response, even if that response is "OK, working on it."
My plan is to work mornings and leave the afternoons free to visit the NICU, which is a 40-minute drive from suburban Minneapolis to downtown - nearly all on freeways.
Any tips on language to include in an email signature or out-of-office response that indicates I'll be working limited hours? Would it be appropriate to include a link to baby's Caring Bridge site?
How about managing co-workers' expectations? It's not uncommon for the 4 of us to be trading IMs or emails into the evenings, and I'd like to be firm about my limited availability.
So far our son has been making steady progress towards getting well, but it's going to be a long journey. Thanks for any advice you're able to share about how to manage this aspect.
Additional details: I work for a 4-person company in Minnesota and no state or federal (e.g. FMLA) leave laws apply. I believe that the company wants to work with me to let me work as much as I'm able while still protecting my job if and when I'm unavailable.
Had I delivered at full-term, the plan was for me to take 12 weeks of unpaid leave. Going back to work helps me preserve some of that leave while still earning some money.
I work in the employee benefits industry and most of my day-to-day tasks are done via phone and email. Things aren't so time-sensitive that a 1/2- to 1-day delay would have much impact, but there are definitely clients who expect an immediate response, even if that response is "OK, working on it."
My plan is to work mornings and leave the afternoons free to visit the NICU, which is a 40-minute drive from suburban Minneapolis to downtown - nearly all on freeways.
Any tips on language to include in an email signature or out-of-office response that indicates I'll be working limited hours? Would it be appropriate to include a link to baby's Caring Bridge site?
How about managing co-workers' expectations? It's not uncommon for the 4 of us to be trading IMs or emails into the evenings, and I'd like to be firm about my limited availability.
So far our son has been making steady progress towards getting well, but it's going to be a long journey. Thanks for any advice you're able to share about how to manage this aspect.
I have odd working hours and I just spell them out in my email signature so you could potentially do something similar that is in line with the language/tone of your organisation. It just provides something concrete you can refer colleagues or clients to if they get confused or snappy... and then it's your choice if you provide further personal details.
A quick signature example:
Coffeemate | Teapot organiser
Phone | Email | Etc
Availability: Monday - Friday 9:00am - 12:00pm.
OR
Coffeemate | Teapot organiser
Phone | Email | Etc
I work Monday - Friday 9:00am - 12:00pm.
It's also your choice if you work outside those hours! One way to stop colleagues from pestering you is to just never respond outside your allocated working time. Don't give in to your desire to just have a quick look at email or login to IM. It will indicate very quickly that you are taking your work/life/baby balance very seriously. Congratulations on the birth of your son!
posted by latch24 at 9:09 PM on May 31, 2018 [3 favorites]
A quick signature example:
Coffeemate | Teapot organiser
Phone | Email | Etc
Availability: Monday - Friday 9:00am - 12:00pm.
OR
Coffeemate | Teapot organiser
Phone | Email | Etc
I work Monday - Friday 9:00am - 12:00pm.
It's also your choice if you work outside those hours! One way to stop colleagues from pestering you is to just never respond outside your allocated working time. Don't give in to your desire to just have a quick look at email or login to IM. It will indicate very quickly that you are taking your work/life/baby balance very seriously. Congratulations on the birth of your son!
posted by latch24 at 9:09 PM on May 31, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I'm so sorry for your situation and glad your son is making progress. I was in the same situation as you after my daughter was born at 26 weeks. First, you should know that standard 'return to work clearance' after a C-section is 6 weeks. I was able to convince my OB to clear me after 4, but ten days might be pushing it. Make sure you talk to your OB, and your work, to make sure that isn't a barrier.
I tried to go back to work while my daughter was in the NICU but ultimately had to call it off after a week, because the perpetual drama of what-procedure-does-she-need-now made it impossible for me to concentrate. My employer wasn't flexible with hours, although they did end up allowing me to take a longer than planned leave.
My suggestion would be to be as transparent as you can be with your employer about what you're dealing with, and ask if they can assign someone to back up your duties if you have an emergency and are suddenly unavailable. The one upside I found to having a tiny baby in the NICU is that it's just so scary for most people that they aren't going to give you any crap about needing accommodations.
And now some real talk from a fellow NICU mom: it sucks. It's going to keep sucking, for months. Spend as much time with your child as you can; spend as much time holding him as you can. Use whatever family support you have. Get to know the NICU staff, especially your primary nurse and the social worker. Eventually, and way too slowly, it does get better.
And feel free to slap every person who tells you Congratulations! and nothing else.
posted by arrmatie at 9:28 PM on May 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
I tried to go back to work while my daughter was in the NICU but ultimately had to call it off after a week, because the perpetual drama of what-procedure-does-she-need-now made it impossible for me to concentrate. My employer wasn't flexible with hours, although they did end up allowing me to take a longer than planned leave.
My suggestion would be to be as transparent as you can be with your employer about what you're dealing with, and ask if they can assign someone to back up your duties if you have an emergency and are suddenly unavailable. The one upside I found to having a tiny baby in the NICU is that it's just so scary for most people that they aren't going to give you any crap about needing accommodations.
And now some real talk from a fellow NICU mom: it sucks. It's going to keep sucking, for months. Spend as much time with your child as you can; spend as much time holding him as you can. Use whatever family support you have. Get to know the NICU staff, especially your primary nurse and the social worker. Eventually, and way too slowly, it does get better.
And feel free to slap every person who tells you Congratulations! and nothing else.
posted by arrmatie at 9:28 PM on May 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's not clear to me from your post whether you have actually discussed your scheduling intentions with whoever supervises you. If you have, then you should not be shy about enforcing those hours with your coworkers. You might even send a brief email to them: "As I have discussed with [manager], during the next [x] weeks I will be working only from [y] to [z] and will be unavailable during other hours. If you have matters that require my urgent input, please make sure to get them to me within those hours and allow for my reduced working hours in expecting a response. Thank you for your understanding at this time." If you haven't, then, given that you lack legal protections, announcing them unilaterally in the hope that no one will object is asking for trouble. You need to hash this out explicitly with your boss, so that they will back you up with coworkers and clients.
Clients are a more difficult topic. Those who expect immediate responses are not going to like suddenly being informed that you have limited availability. From their point of view, they are abruptly getting less than what they are paying for. Can you loop in a co-worker to give the appearance of availability to these particular clients, even if all they're doing is typing "Will do" at 8 pm to give you a chance to get to the task the next morning?
Do not include the Caringbridge link. People who interact with you on a purely business basis do not need or generally want to know about your personal business.
Congratulations, and good luck to your little person.
posted by praemunire at 10:34 PM on May 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
Clients are a more difficult topic. Those who expect immediate responses are not going to like suddenly being informed that you have limited availability. From their point of view, they are abruptly getting less than what they are paying for. Can you loop in a co-worker to give the appearance of availability to these particular clients, even if all they're doing is typing "Will do" at 8 pm to give you a chance to get to the task the next morning?
Do not include the Caringbridge link. People who interact with you on a purely business basis do not need or generally want to know about your personal business.
Congratulations, and good luck to your little person.
posted by praemunire at 10:34 PM on May 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think you may want to get your boss or most trusted coworker to work with you on some of these questions. I wouldn’t put a Caring Bridge link anywhere client-facing.
Your plan to be available certain hours (morning) and not others is the best for work and rational as clients and coworkers can be trained. But from my experience with two babies in NICU you may not be able to have Hospital World conform. In my NICU for example (Canadian), rounds were in the early morning, so that was a good time to chat with the neonatologist(s). Or we would get a call at 3:30 am for a crisis chat. Or we would want to be present for a procedure at 2pm that finally happened at 4:30. So be aware that you may need a plan for what happens if you can’t get back to someone at your appointed/reasonable time.
Congratulations on the birth of your baby, and much support to you dealing with all the complications.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:41 PM on May 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
Your plan to be available certain hours (morning) and not others is the best for work and rational as clients and coworkers can be trained. But from my experience with two babies in NICU you may not be able to have Hospital World conform. In my NICU for example (Canadian), rounds were in the early morning, so that was a good time to chat with the neonatologist(s). Or we would get a call at 3:30 am for a crisis chat. Or we would want to be present for a procedure at 2pm that finally happened at 4:30. So be aware that you may need a plan for what happens if you can’t get back to someone at your appointed/reasonable time.
Congratulations on the birth of your baby, and much support to you dealing with all the complications.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:41 PM on May 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Congratulations on the birth of your son!
I went through the same thing when my daughter was born at 25 weeks. I took the full eight weeks of disability for having had a c-section, because disability payments are only paid in the aftermath of the event - i was able to get more time early on with her at 60% pay even though it also burned unpaid time. I wasn't thinking much about when she would come home.
When I went back to work after those eight weeks, I was very public about what happened and where my priorities were. All my coworkers already had our caringbridge link, and some of our clients did too. (but I didn't and wouldn't post it in my signature or out of office). If the doctor called during a meeting, I left the meeting. If a procedure happened, or when we were moved to the level 2 unit on short notice, I left work and went to the hospital. My boss was amazing and supportive, which not everyone has. But I think presenting that as an expectation helped. My kid was on life support, I couldn't pretend nothing had happened.
I worked full time for three months while my daughter was in the NICU. I pumped every three hours around the clock. My husband worked full time too and the only time we got together was dinner at the Ronald McDonald house. It was tough. It went fast because we were so busy. If I had to do it again, I'd pump less. She never nursed and needed thickened milk in a bottle so couldn't have breastmilk that way either.
So, my advice: look realistically at what you are capable of. Prioritize sleep, relationship with your partner, time at the hospital with baby, work, in that order. NICU time is brutal on relationships.
At work, including your general availability in your signature and turning on your out of office when you leave are good. Including contact info for a colleague if an immediate response is needed is good. You don't need to provide details in these communication vehicles. "regular hours 8-12" and "I am currently working a part-time schedule, please allow 24 hours for a response. If you need immediate assistance, please contact Susan in customer service." is fine.
Tell your colleagues you can't have your phone out in the baby's room. This was literally true when we were in the NICU, it's an infection risk. They seem to have relaxed the rules and are recommending sanitizing the phone instead now. But you have the right to be present with your son, and only work the hours you are being paid to. Turn off push notifications and don't check email unless you are working. People get used to it.
Feel free to memail if you'd like to talk to someone who's been down this road. We were at downtown Minneapolis Children's Hospital which is a wonderful place. I once thought I couldn't wait to leave, but I go back monthly to volunteer now. It's a long tough road but you can do it!
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 4:37 AM on June 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
I went through the same thing when my daughter was born at 25 weeks. I took the full eight weeks of disability for having had a c-section, because disability payments are only paid in the aftermath of the event - i was able to get more time early on with her at 60% pay even though it also burned unpaid time. I wasn't thinking much about when she would come home.
When I went back to work after those eight weeks, I was very public about what happened and where my priorities were. All my coworkers already had our caringbridge link, and some of our clients did too. (but I didn't and wouldn't post it in my signature or out of office). If the doctor called during a meeting, I left the meeting. If a procedure happened, or when we were moved to the level 2 unit on short notice, I left work and went to the hospital. My boss was amazing and supportive, which not everyone has. But I think presenting that as an expectation helped. My kid was on life support, I couldn't pretend nothing had happened.
I worked full time for three months while my daughter was in the NICU. I pumped every three hours around the clock. My husband worked full time too and the only time we got together was dinner at the Ronald McDonald house. It was tough. It went fast because we were so busy. If I had to do it again, I'd pump less. She never nursed and needed thickened milk in a bottle so couldn't have breastmilk that way either.
So, my advice: look realistically at what you are capable of. Prioritize sleep, relationship with your partner, time at the hospital with baby, work, in that order. NICU time is brutal on relationships.
At work, including your general availability in your signature and turning on your out of office when you leave are good. Including contact info for a colleague if an immediate response is needed is good. You don't need to provide details in these communication vehicles. "regular hours 8-12" and "I am currently working a part-time schedule, please allow 24 hours for a response. If you need immediate assistance, please contact Susan in customer service." is fine.
Tell your colleagues you can't have your phone out in the baby's room. This was literally true when we were in the NICU, it's an infection risk. They seem to have relaxed the rules and are recommending sanitizing the phone instead now. But you have the right to be present with your son, and only work the hours you are being paid to. Turn off push notifications and don't check email unless you are working. People get used to it.
Feel free to memail if you'd like to talk to someone who's been down this road. We were at downtown Minneapolis Children's Hospital which is a wonderful place. I once thought I couldn't wait to leave, but I go back monthly to volunteer now. It's a long tough road but you can do it!
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 4:37 AM on June 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
I worked while my 30week was in the nicu but I wasn't good with hours, my big regret. Be strict with your hours and response time, guard your sleep whenever you can get it because you will need sleep so much to handles the stress.
At 28w, they may want you to do kangaroo case with skin to skin time. You can share this with your partner and it's worth doing.
I am pro- formula and nursing equally, but with a 28w, it makes a medically significant difference because of the underdeveloped gut. If you intend to nurse, pumping now helps a lot. Donor milk from a bank beats formula. When he's discharged yay formula, but in the nicu breastmilk helps more.
Also be careful sharing pictures of your baby. Other people at work where freaked out by the tubes and machines and how tiny she was, and made scared comments that reverberated hard. I wish in hindsight I'd kept things more separate because I ended up comforting people at work when work was where i wanted to escape.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:54 AM on June 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
At 28w, they may want you to do kangaroo case with skin to skin time. You can share this with your partner and it's worth doing.
I am pro- formula and nursing equally, but with a 28w, it makes a medically significant difference because of the underdeveloped gut. If you intend to nurse, pumping now helps a lot. Donor milk from a bank beats formula. When he's discharged yay formula, but in the nicu breastmilk helps more.
Also be careful sharing pictures of your baby. Other people at work where freaked out by the tubes and machines and how tiny she was, and made scared comments that reverberated hard. I wish in hindsight I'd kept things more separate because I ended up comforting people at work when work was where i wanted to escape.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:54 AM on June 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I don’t have advice on the rest, but I literally took a class today on professional emails and email etiquette, and one of the things that was taught was not to put anything personal in your out-of-office message about why you are unavailable. You can always explain on a case by case basis, if appropriate.
Congratulations, by the way!
posted by amro at 7:48 PM on May 31, 2018 [1 favorite]