Might poly relationships be right for me?
April 30, 2018 2:48 AM   Subscribe

Might poly be right for me? I'm a woman in my late 30s and gave up love and sex a while ago. The burdens of a monogamous relationship are overwhelming to me. It basically boils down to not wanting to be another person's everything. Poly is appealing because I don't have to be another person's everything.

I have a low sex drive and little desire to solely fulfil another person's sexual needs. I don't want to be another person's emotional everything. I love intimacy, but being the sole caretaker of someone else's emotions is overwhelming. I enjoy my alone time and need a significant amount of it to function like a normal person. I enjoy my freedom to go out with friends whenever I want and to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I am financially independent and don't want to discuss purchases with another person. If I want a new car or TV, I buy it without having to have a debate. I live where I want and have the pets that I want. Debating mundane life choices is overwhelming to me. Overall, I just find relationships overwhelming and burdensome.

In the past few years, several of my friends have come out as poly and I find this life style very appealing. I like the idea of being a secondary to one person or possibly two at the very most. Despite all of the burdens of a traditional relationship, I do love having an intimate partner. I like the freedom that poly involves. I had a brief relationship with a poly person in my friend circle when he was working out of my city for a couple of months and found that I quite enjoyed it. We never argued about mundane things because he could always get what I couldn't give from another partner. I never felt pressure to have sex and could just turn him down without having to deal with pouting or an argument because he could get sex from another partner. The relationship was unique and on its own terms instead of prescribed societal terms. Since we don't see each other after he moved back, we've moved back to being friends. I would like to find someone similar in my city.

After this positive experience, I have been thinking a lot about poly relationships. I don't know how to go about meeting more poly people. The person I was with recently isn't really part of the poly community and is new to it in general, so he doesn't really have any advice. I have more experienced poly friends, but I'm not ready to discuss this with them yet.

Questions, would someone like me be accepted into the poly community? Does it count as poly if I'm not seeing more than one person? Would people be afraid to date me because I'm not in any other poly relationships? Where do I meet poly people? My poly friends seem very accepting in general of different types relationships and people, but maybe I’m just seeing the good side and none of the bad? After reading what I wrote, does poly sound like it would be a reasonable choice for me? Note, I live in a big liberal city, which I presume has a decent population of poly individuals.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
I think poly is something of a red herring here. You're proceeding from the assumption that there's no one else out there who wants the same things you do out of a primary relationship, and therefore concluding you should seek to be someone's secondary partner. That's certainly a configuration that could work, but I don't think it's what made your last relationship work, if that makes sense.

Disclosure: I recently ended a relationship that had evolved into exactly what you're proposing to look for.
posted by hoyland at 3:12 AM on April 30, 2018 [12 favorites]


I agree with hoyland, the qualities you've descibed as deterants to "traditional relationships," aren't really typical of healthy relationships for late 30's people in my opinion/experience. I'm not so sure that a poly relationship would necessarily guarantee you what you're looking for.
My poly experience is limited to one, but it was far more emotionally demanding to manage than any other monogamous coupling.
posted by OnefortheLast at 3:48 AM on April 30, 2018 [9 favorites]


I think being part of a polyamorous relationship could work for you (I mean, it has worked for you so no reason why it couldn't again) but agree with hoyland that you shouldn't necessarily restrict yourself to that possibility. I think that even if you were dating monogamous men, if you were upfront at the beginning about basically only wanting a part-time relationship with no chance of it becoming something more serious, you'd find plenty of guys who would be into that. Lots of people are busy and have their own lives that they enjoy and don't want to seriously change, but would like a little affection from time to time. There are also men out there who wouldn't describe themselves as poly but who would nevertheless be happy to have the freedom to date more than one woman. I think the key here is just to make it clear to potential partners what you want, and what you can and can't offer. I think you'll find takers.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:48 AM on April 30, 2018 [8 favorites]


It sounds like you're well set up emotionally for the kind of poly relationship you're describing and if you're in a large, liberal city, you'll definitely be able to find a compatible partner or partners. What you're describing is bog standard in poly circles and you yourself don't need to have multiple partners to identify as poly--hell, you don't even need one. I know plenty of single people who know that their preferred relationship model is non-monogamy, regardless of whether they're currently partnered or not.

OK Cupid has a pretty big poly contingent and you should also check Meetup.com, as larger cities often have poly social groups. Most of those aren't specifically for dating, but you'll meet people in all kinds of romantic configurations.
posted by merriment at 5:11 AM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]


You could try signing up for fetlife.com, which is basically like facebook for the kink/BDSM community. They'll have poly meet-up groups that you can join, some of which are also location-specific. It's pretty customizable, so you can just focus on finding other poly folks and not bother with anything else on the site.
posted by obliterati at 5:54 AM on April 30, 2018


Yes, it counts as poly if you're only seeing one person - the term for that is solo poly. It might be a workable solution for you as a lower-libido person who wants a part-time relationship, but...I've gotta agree with those saying that poly might be a red herring.

I say this as someone whose had crappy relationships myself and can relate to a lot of your concerns, but (a) maybe you're just dating really incompatible people regardless of their stance towards monogamy and (b) being solo poly or oriented towards "non-escalator" relationships won't insulate you from having partners debate and pass judgement on your mundane life choices.

I also say this as a introverted person who fits the solo poly definition but doesn't identify as such, who recently got out of a relationship with someone who's similarly inclined. We both thought that we'd be easier to date because we didn't have expectations of running towards the altar and white picket fences...but not really. All of those other annoyances ended things, regardless of us not caring about societal expectations.

A lot of poly writing about relationship anarchy and the "relationship escalator" makes some...iffy assumptions about the way most monogamous relationships look on the inside. Similarly, a number of people I know who've chosen to go solo poly - often those with little relationship experience to begin with - believe that some of the things you're describing are mandatory parts of a monogamous relationship. I know few monogamous couples in their early 30s like myself who happily function that way. In fact, I'm more familiar with people getting dumped for not having a social life or support system beyond their partner than vice versa.

If your dating pool is full of people who are cranks with no support systems of their own who also want more sex than you're able to provide, that's an issue that might be present in the poly community as well.
posted by blerghamot at 6:08 AM on April 30, 2018 [7 favorites]


You could try signing up for fetlife.com, which is basically like facebook for the kink/BDSM community. They'll have poly meet-up groups that you can join, some of which are also location-specific. It's pretty customizable, so you can just focus on finding other poly folks and not bother with anything else on the site.

This is solid advice, with the caveat that — as a friend of mine likes to put it — that site makes a great Sex Facebook and a terrible Sex Tinder. Using it to find IRL events where you can make friends is great and there are a bunch of awesome people using the site that way. Using it as a place to get asked out on dates by strangers is a good way to meet a bunch of creepy, overbearing assholes.

(If you want a poly-friendly dating site, all the poly folk in my neck of the woods seem to use OkCupid still.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:15 AM on April 30, 2018


Poly usually requires more communication, not less.

Honestly, I think you are overthinking your needs and consequently over-snowflaking them. If you don't want to be in a relationship, fine, and if you do want to be a secondary partner, fine, but the ideal scenario you are describing doesn't dictate that. What you are describing is good, old fashioned Friends with Benefits. I mean I guess you can call it poly if you wish to explicitly state that none of the partners are monogamously affiliated to one another, but in my experience that's the FWB agreement anyway.

It's not a rare arrangement. You can source potential partners on Tindr, Plenty of Fish, Match or sure, FetLife and/or local poly meetups.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:35 AM on April 30, 2018 [10 favorites]


What you are looking for is friends with benefits, not necessarily poly. It's the classic "I don't want to have to change anything or go out of my way or sacrifice anything for this person with whom I would like to trade sex and affection and companionship occasionally".
posted by TestamentToGrace at 7:46 AM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]


I can relate super hard to what you're saying. When I came out of an overwhelming burdensome relationship, I experimented with being a secondary partner in open relationships because I found the part-time freelance model of intimacy really appealing.
But that's not what poly is like in practice! Poly relationships take a lot more vulnerability, communication, self-awareness, kindness, awkward conversations, and not just between you and your partner, but taking into account everyone else in the relationship. It represents a ton more emotional labour than a relationship with a more conventional script.
And if you have a low libido and little interest in fulfilling someone else's sexual fantasies, it might be tough to find the right partner in a scene oriented strongly around kink and strongly expressed sexuality. I don't know any poly-cuddlers, y'know?
If I was you, instead of wading into the poly culture, I would instead look for other people who have similarly limited time/energy for a relationship. Single parents maybe? Shift nurses? Merchant sailors? Someone who has a lot going in their own life and would appreciate affection and companionship on the semi-regular.
posted by Freyja at 9:04 AM on April 30, 2018 [2 favorites]


From my experience as a poly person, yes, poly relationships might be right for you. I know several people who are very happy in relationships just like you describe.

would someone like me be accepted into the poly community?
In my experience, yes.

Does it count as poly if I'm not seeing more than one person?
Yes. You are involved with a person who is also involved with another person, and everyone is aware of and ok with that arrangement. The fact that you may choose to only see the one partner does not change that.

Would people be afraid to date me because I'm not in any other poly relationships? Honestly, yes, some people can be hesitant to get involved with people who have no previous poly experience. It's a relationship style that sounds very appealing to many people in practice ("oh, I get to have sex with all these people I'm attracted to and stay married"), but can be different in reality (people often experience jealousy/resentment/insecurity/loneliness that they didn't anticipate). However, most of the drama and emotional labor that people are trying to avoid with new people comes from couples who have decided to open up their relationship. There are definitely people who would be open to a relationship with someone like you.


Where do I meet poly people?
You said you're in a big liberal city? Look up "poly classes" online. These are an excellent way to learn more about this relationship style, and meet like-minded people. I would advise against any classes that cost anything more than the "tip jar" price that other groups sometimes have when using private spaces. OKCupid is still the preferred dating site for poly people that I know of. Big cities often also have poly meetups on meetup.com. Fetlife is, as another person, more like Facebook than tinder. I'm poly and kinky and have been on the site for years, and it's useful to keep in touch with people I meet irl and plan events, but I've never met a person on the site. Also, Fetlife is primarily a BSDM community site, and if you're not drawn to kinky sexual practices, and have a relatively low libido, the hyper-sexuality of that site (don't even get me started on their advertising) might be off-putting.
Also, you mentioned having poly friends, but not wanting to talk to them about this yet. You don't have to explain why that is, but if you're able to talk to them about it at some point, that might be your easiest point of entry.

My poly friends seem very accepting in general of different types relationships and people, but maybe I’m just seeing the good side and none of the bad?
Just like monogamy, polyamory has it's ups and downs, and isn't for everyone. Just like monogamy, it's not a utopia, real life relationships can be messy and hard. You may find that you enjoy the freedom of not having another person depending on you being available all the time, but dislike them not always being available when you need them, for example.

After reading what I wrote, does poly sound like it would be a reasonable choice for me?
Yes, absolutely. I know several people who have a relationship with someone but are not their "primary" partner, they are more like "satellites." This allows them the space and independence they need, but it's different that just having "flings" or "friends with benefits," in that the relationship is ongoing, and grows over time, just without the end-goal being a monogamous domestic partnership.

Note, I live in a big liberal city, which I presume has a decent population of poly individuals.
It sounds like you're in an ideal environment. Many more people are open to these kind of relationships in places like that.

I highly recommend the book, "Opening Up," by Tristan Taormino, to anyone interested in poly. It is filled with interviews with different people, who all have different relationship styles, and includes what did and didn't work for them. It does a good job of warning newcomers about potential pitfalls.
posted by ethical_caligula at 10:00 AM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]


In that poly relationships can be just about any kind of set of relationship that two or more people consensually agree to, yes, this can be Poly. The nice thing about poly is that it is what you make of it. The hard thing about poly is that you have to make it. It's not just navigating a particular map of societal expectations; you have to draw your own map, and navigate it, and navigate your partner's maps too.

It can be freeing and liberating to be able to express exactly what you want and find that there are people who are interested in you on those terms. It also can be really hard work to enumerate those terms clearly, to share them, to understand other people's terms, and to constantly work to ensure that boundaries aren't being stepped on, etc.

It's work. It can be rewarding work. It can be frustrating.

I'll point you at Franklin Veaux's book "More Than Two", and the associated website, and in particular the Relationship Bill of Rights, which pretty much everyone, poly or not, should read.

In my large, liberal, Canadian city, OKC is well used, and there are many social events as well. A better suggestion is to find a Poly-friendly therapist in your area and have a session or two to talk with someone about your needs and expectations. This therapist will probably be able to share with you some more resources as well as venues for local meetups etc.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:19 AM on April 30, 2018


I never felt pressure to have sex and could just turn him down without having to deal with pouting or an argument because he could get sex from another partner.

I'd argue that the kind of shitty human who pouts or pressures a partner into sex is, well, shitty, and that you're going to be dissatisfied dating anyone who relates to their parter this way, poly or not. So some of the issue you're having may be dating shitty, entitled men rather than monogamy itself.
posted by tapir-whorf at 12:28 PM on April 30, 2018 [6 favorites]


I think you've got a good mindset for (further) exploring nonmonogamous dating.

Don't feel pressured to keep pursuing traditional relationships, especially if you don't care to be on the relationship escalator!

OKCupid has a way to tag your profile as non-monogamous, and you can filter your search results by that, too. I haven't used the site regularly in a couple years and I know there have been some unpopular changes made, but it used to be my favorite way to meet people.

If you have poly friends, I 100% recommend asking them what kind of facebook groups or events there are in your city. I'm more comfortable exploring a community through grapevine connections than google searches, but ymmv. I think that if you approach your poly friends with talking points along the lines of what you've written here, they'll be able to make you feel comfortable with your new dating direction without having to "come out" as poly or consider it your identity.
posted by itesser at 2:22 PM on April 30, 2018 [2 favorites]


You definitely have a place in the poly community! I've been "solo poly" for a while now, dating anywhere from one to five people. At different times that has included hookups, friends with benefits, casual dates, infrequent-but-committed long distance dates, platonic loves and day-to-day partners. Some of my dates have other dates, some don't. Some of us share resources, some of us don't.

I don't do hierarchies myself, but as you can see I'm open to a wide variety of arrangements. Like you I prize my independence, need a lot of alone time, and dislike domestic entanglements. The flexibility of being a satellite has worked well for me. I feel like I'm my best self this way. And able to give more generously to my dates because I feel at ease.

You can find this kind of freedom in monogamous/ish relationships too, but I've found it much harder. More assumptions, less space to breathe.

Fetlife and OKC are your best bets for meeting folks on the internet. Good luck!
posted by fritillary at 2:33 PM on April 30, 2018 [2 favorites]


A lot of the problems you listed that you want to solve aren't inherent to monogamy, and aren't absent in poly relationships. I feel like the other answerers have pretty much covered the fact that you ~can get what you want from poly, but it's not guaranteed. So I just want to comment on this part that stood out to me - I mean this gently, but with your overall question, it kind of feels like you're actually just looking for a no-hassle relationship. Those do not exist. Every partnership require effort and communication.
I never felt pressure to have sex and could just turn him down without having to deal with pouting or an argument because he could get sex from another partner.
This, for example. There are definitely times when a partner just wants to get laid, but physical intimacy with someone isn't wholly interchangeable with physical intimacy with anyone. I, personally, would get disheartened and upset if my desire for intimacy with my partner was continually shrugged off because I could get it somewhere else.
posted by FirstMateKate at 2:42 PM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]


if you were upfront at the beginning about basically only wanting a part-time relationship with no chance of it becoming something more serious, you'd find plenty of guys who would be into that.

Yes, coming at this as someone who relates to a lot of your relationship wants and has been in a committed monogamous long distance relationship for the last ten year. I agree with other people that there's often a lot of communication happening within poly relationships and more people to take into account than just you and your partner which might not be something you feel that you have the emotional bandwidth for. So it might be another possibility for you. It's not for everyone, but it generally works for me and my partner.
posted by jessamyn at 4:55 PM on April 30, 2018


Poly is not the same as "casual relationships with no strings," although it's often compatible with that. Plenty of poly people have deep, intense relationships with very solid commitments, that just happen to include more than two people. (If that sounds like extra work... it is.) Even when everyone has agreed to low-stress low-commitment relationships, poly setups are often more work than "casual dating" or FWB arrangements; with the best of intentions, sometimes a person can't meet all of their commitments, and people get annoyed at that.

I'd suggest just looking for casual dating, and perhaps mentioning that you're open to being in a poly relationship. RUN DO NOT WALK from any guy who agrees that *he* will be poly but *you* should be seeing him only. And also watch out for guys who think that "casual dating" means that he can cancel dates, ignore your preferences for dinner/movies/etc., be a slob when you visit - but expect you to be attentive and considerate whenever he's graced you with his presence. A lot of guys think "casual" means "I will do zero emotional labor, but the woman still needs to put my needs and wants first; we just won't see each other very often."

Fetlife can be overwhelming if you're not used to kink communities. If you find things you like there, connect with that, but feel free to give a hard "No, I am not interested," followed by a block against anyone who doesn't catch the message the first time.

OKCupid has strong support for poly relationships. I love looking at OKC profiles - but I've got straight men completely blocked, and you may not want to do that. Even with their newer safety features - no more barrages of messages from strangers - the straight side has an awful lot of guys who don't read profiles. Block, block, block; if there's no instant reaction of "oh wow I want to get to know this one better," don't bother replying.

Protip: There is no "poly community." There are dozens (hundreds) of poly communities, and there are also plenty of people who've been doing more-than-two relationships who have no connection to any specific community. There's some common vocabulary developed because there were a lot of those, and they had some things in common so became some communities, but there is no "right way" to do poly. If you're happy being romantically involved with more than one person, and you're willing to be honest to all of them about that, you can call yourself poly without fretting over whether you're doing it the same way as someone else.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 12:41 AM on May 1, 2018


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