New to dating - can someone explain this guy's behavior?

April 28, 2018 1:36 AM

I've never dated strangers before and am not sure if this guy is interested or not (F, 26).

I tried speed dating about 2 weeks ago, and after the event one of the guys asked if he could leave with me and as we found out we both live in the same area, we took the subway together. I thought he was funny and interesting, so we agreed to meet up again. We were both out of town the next weekend so we agreed to arrange the date sometime later. One week passed and I still haven't heard from him so I messaged him on Saturday asking if he still wants to meet. He said he might be free on Friday (which was yesterday) and that he will let me know. I already thought it was slightly weird that he hasn't contacted me for a week and then said he won't be able to meet for another week, but I thought I'll wait and see how the date on Friday goes. We had no contact until Thursday when he messaged me saying that he could be free for a casual meeting next Thursday if I want. At that point I was actually already looking forward to the Friday date and was feeling slightly butthurt by his apparent lack of interest, and also a bit
grumpy because of a work-related thing that happened shortly before I received his message, so I just replied that we might as well let it be and that it was nice meeting him. To which he replied it was also nice meeting me and good luck.

Was I too fast rejecting this guy? I have never dated strangers before (all my past boyfriends were my friends before we started dating), so I don't really know how this works. I just figured that a guy who's genuinely interested would manage to find some time for a potentional date in the course of almost 3 weeks. There are a few other guys interested in dating me but I was kind of waiting to see how things go with this guy first because I liked him the most, so that's also one of the reasons why I told him to let it be. But at the same time I'm sorry now that I didn't agree to the Thursday meeting because I thought we hit it off pretty well the first time we met, and I would like to even just be friends with him because I don't know that many people in this town anyway. I also think that he might be honestly confused about why I blew him off like that, so I don't know if a short message explaining how I felt is appropriate or if that would just make me seem unnecessarily creepy?

posted by U.N.Owen to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Here's one vote for he's just not that into you. I wouldn't waste my time with a guy who can't manage to see me after three weeks, but it's not like, a mistake if you decide to reach out to him again. Just don't be surprised if you get another "oh how about in another week" *week later* "uh how about another week" etc.

Especially because you say you met at a speed dating event; that feels to me like maybe the event didn't go as planned for him and he went along with your initial interest because any interest is better than nothing, but maybe after reflection he wasn't feeling it and has been cowardly about outright saying no to you. I don't think you need to worry about seeming creepy though if you decide to message him again. Just don't let him string you along. Don't keep messaging him if all he does is say no to your proposed plans without providing any of his own.

I wouldn't look to make friends with someone I was attracted to who I met at a speed dating event. I feel like that way leads to frustration and disappointment. If, in a while you're doing something else and he shows up in the same location or event or whatever, then by all means reconnect explicitly as friends with a shared interest. But it's super hard to be friends with someone where the only connection you have is you think he's funny and interesting. There are much better ways of making friends when you've moved to a new place, like volunteering or attending local events or joining clubs. Don't let this guy's soft rejections trick you into thinking less of yourself.
posted by Mizu at 1:56 AM on April 28, 2018 [5 favorites]

No I think you did exactly the right thing. I wouldn't proceed further unless you get strong unmistakable signs of interest. And that means initiating planning something himself for the next few days, not a last minute oh do you happen to be free in the next hour? He seems like he's kind of stringing you along just in case nothing better comes along.
posted by peacheater at 2:11 AM on April 28, 2018 [5 favorites]

I don't think he was that into you. I think you are right in thinking that if someone was interested they would arrange a date reasonably quickly. This has certainly been the case in my experience. I met my husband online and we met up 2 days later cos we were so excited. Conversely, the guys whose behaviour I had to analyse never were that into me, as it turns out...or they were immature, or they had girlfriends already!

If you follow the thinking that if someone is interested in you and available they will demonstrate their interest clearly it will save you a lot of trouble, analysis and guessing.
posted by thereader at 2:15 AM on April 28, 2018 [3 favorites]

Someone who is really keen won’t make you second guess it. Go find that guy.
posted by Jubey at 2:21 AM on April 28, 2018 [15 favorites]

Yeah. If you’re excited to see someone, you’ll make a solid effort to see them. Unless they’ve got some kind of hang-ups or something getting in the way, but if they don’t care or can’t get their shit together, either way they’re probably not the best person for you to date.

Move on
posted by aubilenon at 2:23 AM on April 28, 2018 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you.

Just to make one thing clear - the speed dating results are sent to participants some time after the event, so he couldn't have known how it went for him. I initially didn't choose any of the guys, but he asked to accompany me shortly before I handed back my results so I just circled his name then and after talking to him that evening I decided I'd like to meet him again. We actually exchanged a few messages in the next few days before the first weekend and he did seem interested then, so that's why I'm so confused now. My friend says it's possible he met someone else in the meantime and that's why he only suggested a casual meeting this next Thursday, so that's also a possibility.
posted by U.N.Owen at 2:26 AM on April 28, 2018

Yeah I would assume he started dating someone else.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:23 AM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

Go on your other dates and see how they go. If after them you are still thinking of this guy then by all means try again but he's not worth your time at the moment.
posted by 92_elements at 4:33 AM on April 28, 2018

Wait, he initially said he wanted to arrange a date with you and then later said he could have a casual meeting with you if you want? You absolutely did the right thing. He probably has met someone, but he hasn't said this to you so if he has met someone and he still wants to meet up with you casually that just sounds like keeping you around to possibly date later in case things don't work out with whoever he's trying to date. And that's not a position you want to be in.
posted by Polychrome at 5:09 AM on April 28, 2018 [2 favorites]

As Jubey said above: "Someone who is really keen won’t make you second guess it. Go find that guy."
Nail, meet hammer head.

Good luck and be safe!
posted by james33 at 5:18 AM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

You did the right thing. Even if he's really into you and this is how he shows it (unlikely), imagine how frustrating it would be to date someone so lackadaisical about scheduling time together.
posted by bunderful at 5:36 AM on April 28, 2018

He did not fall madly in love with you at first meeting. He was not excited enough about you to rearrange his priorities to schedule another date immediately. Some people take a while before getting really into someone. I don't consider that a deal breaker, and if I only dated people who threw themselves at me after our first meeting, I would have missed out on some great relationships.

I'd base your reactions more on what YOU want rather than what you think the other person wants, however. You didn't even match with this guy initially, which may mean you weren't that into him anyway. You say you have previously dated friends before, which suggests that you, too, may need to get to know someone before getting into them romantically. Base your pursuits on your interest; get to know people you like without trying to protect yourself by rejecting them because you aren't 100% sure they're head-over-heels for you.
posted by metasarah at 5:50 AM on April 28, 2018 [3 favorites]

Regardless of his feelings about you, this kind of behaviour is just flat-out rude and disrespectful of your time. Hard pass.

(Also, yes, he is either not that interested or he is playing games. Gross.)

Don't bother sending him a message explaining yourself. He's wasted enough of your time, and he won't care; he is not confused about why you dismissed him, it's what he wanted.

Don't try to make friends with people like this. Find some people you don't want to date to make friends with.
posted by windykites at 6:36 AM on April 28, 2018 [5 favorites]

You don’t want to date someone who doesn’t stay in touch, who suggests last-minute changes to your agreed-on plans, and who only says he “might” be free or “could” be free, only to flake and push the date out another week. People like that don’t want to seem like the bad guy, but never have an intention of following up.

You did not blow him off “too fast”. You gave him a few chances to follow up with you, and he didn’t—at all. I think moving on was entirely appropriate at that point.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:50 AM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

You did great! He’s just not that into you. It happens.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:12 AM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

P.S. you have really good instincts so don’t second guess yourself.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:15 AM on April 28, 2018 [13 favorites]

You did perfectly, don't second guess yourself! You did the exact right thing which took me decades to realize. Good job! If he's into you you'll never have to wonder.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 7:35 AM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

Yes, you are new to dating! I don’t think it’s at all strange to meet, feel some attraction for a potential partner, set a date for a 7 to 14 days out (e.g. first schedule alignment for busy professionals) and then have little contact prior to the next face to face date. I think you were both expecting a lot from him and giving a lot to him (declining dates from others) for someone you had met once.

That said, agreeing to the Friday date on his side and then... not clearly setting it or cancelling it is disrespectful behavior on his part. I would not tolerate that from a dating partner. (But I spent many years in a marriage where my partner did not respect me, so my fuse is damn short for that sort of ‘disrespect cloaked in vague communication’.)
posted by Doc_Sock at 8:48 AM on April 28, 2018

He's been rude. Absolutely never ever date him, not even if he pops back up again. He's been rude. This is a character flaw. If you were in a relationship with him, this is an indication of how he would likely treat you during tough times - flakey, a lack of communication, putting you at the bottom of his priorities. When he did not follow up to make a first date happen, that was the big clue he's not respectful enough of others to date. Stringing folks along isn't really very nice.

Also, I know you were at a speed dating event, but he may not be entirely single. He could be dating one other person, or many other people. You can't really make assumptions about his availability based on his attendance at a speed dating event. His flakey behavior is consistent with someone who has other relationship/s taking priority.

It's also possible he changed his mind about dating right now, or he's not that enthusiastic about you...

In short, he was rude and you don't need to speculate any deeper than that when someone is a stranger to you. Make that type of behavior completely unattractive in your own mind, don't fall for anyone flakey or rude. It won't be a great relationship, even if it takes off for a little while. He showed you shat kind of person he is, believe him. He has displayed unappealing behavior. Move on.

Congratulations on handling this entirely correctly! That's exactly how this works. You did great, don't second guess yourself!
posted by jbenben at 8:59 AM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

"Might" or "could" without serious context ("my mom is coming to town and I have to see what she wants to do first", "we're filing a brief on Friday, and these things always go haywire, I'm honestly not sure I'll be out the door before midnight") means "not interested." Move on.
posted by praemunire at 9:33 AM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

No, you weren't too quick in rejecting him. He sounded a little flakey. And that could be because a lot of things - lack of interest, flakey personality, has been dating someone else, poor communication, etc. - but whatever the reason, it probably means he wasn't worth you chasing.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:49 AM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

Yeah, it would be one thing if he'd caught up with you before you departed, and said something like, "While we don't have the results yet, I already know I'd like to date you," and asked if you wanted to grab a cup of coffee across the street post-event or wanted to exchange information with you. But "can I leave with you" reads more like he was hoping to score that evening, and when that didn't happen, chose not to pursue a traditional first date.

"All my past boyfriends were my friends before we started dating" -- same here! Recalibrating the meter to vet guys who are only looking for an ego boost, or solely interested in hooking up, or already dating-someone-but-keeping-options-open, or still ex-obsessed, or whatever, is difficult when you're used to some pre-existing emotional intimacy and familiarity on the friendship level. I think you handled the situation well, and that you shouldn't second-guess yourself. A decent amount of enthusiasm from someone wanting to date you is a good, reasonable expectation.
posted by Iris Gambol at 2:03 PM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

Ehh, I'll go against the grain here. Yeah, maybe a bit too fast to reject. Neither my (amazing, beloved) husband nor I were overwhelmed by one another at our first meeting ever, when we chatted at a party, and it took a little while to arrange a first date. My attitude about dating at the time was that barring any major red flags, I'd give it a shot if the stars align. I don't think you need wild enthusiasm to go on a first date. You might have met up that Thursday and clicked harder than you remembered. Or you might not have. Being too invested early on easily leads to pain, but giving things a shot even if they take a while to sync up isn't the worst idea. My bigger message here is to go with the tao and not to take anything too personally early on (or ever really, but that's a harder life lesson that I'm still working on).
posted by namesarehard at 2:36 PM on April 28, 2018 [2 favorites]

I just figured that a guy who's genuinely interested would manage to find some time for a potentional date in the course of almost 3 weeks.

I think your instincts are right here. This kind of scenario is really common with things like online dating and speed dating, where like you say you are "dating strangers" who likely have/are trying out other prospects. You just can never know what the other person is involved in or doing.

Most likely it was absolutely nothing you did, and more so that the guy is a flake/rude/distracted/seeing other people/person. My experiences have shown me that in this situation, almost nothing good can come out of pursuing the person at this point- at best, you'll be dating a flaky and distracted person.

I don't really buy into the "he's not that into you" trope- I think it's needlessly negative and simplistic. There are tons of reasons someone may not be pursuing you at a particular moment. But the bottom line is if you are not getting the energy back that you are putting in at this early of a stage, it'll likely save you frustration to move on.

Of course, if you want to give it a try, you're not a bad person for that.
posted by bearette at 1:11 PM on April 29, 2018