How do I interact with my 90 year old neighbors?
April 25, 2018 9:10 AM Subscribe
I recently moved into an apartment on the same floor as a couple, both in their 90s. They are very friendly and my husband and I are trying to stop by more often. But I often struggle with what to do while we are there.
Most of the difficulty comes from hearing. Neither one can hear very well so it's hard to sustain a conversation. They are both very mentally with it but the hearing issues challenge what I think of as a good interaction.
Ideally, we'd have a nice conversation a few times a week, or I would read out loud to them, or they'd love my imaginary dog or baby and I could bring them over sometimes. But none of those things are an option, so I struggle with filling the time of the visits.
If you interact with older people, I'd love to hear if there are any norms/etiquette you follow or specific activities/conversations that work very well. For example, repeat something 3 times but if they still don't get it, move to a new topic. Or, always offer to get the thing they are offering to show you so they don't have to get up themselves (or maybe don't offer because they live independently and are fairly physically fit)? Or, ask them about XYZ which are good conversation starters.
Most of the difficulty comes from hearing. Neither one can hear very well so it's hard to sustain a conversation. They are both very mentally with it but the hearing issues challenge what I think of as a good interaction.
Ideally, we'd have a nice conversation a few times a week, or I would read out loud to them, or they'd love my imaginary dog or baby and I could bring them over sometimes. But none of those things are an option, so I struggle with filling the time of the visits.
If you interact with older people, I'd love to hear if there are any norms/etiquette you follow or specific activities/conversations that work very well. For example, repeat something 3 times but if they still don't get it, move to a new topic. Or, always offer to get the thing they are offering to show you so they don't have to get up themselves (or maybe don't offer because they live independently and are fairly physically fit)? Or, ask them about XYZ which are good conversation starters.
Ask about their stories. Ask about their past. Their history. I think prioritizing listening to them rather than them hearing you might be really wonderful.
posted by Vaike at 9:18 AM on April 25, 2018 [40 favorites]
posted by Vaike at 9:18 AM on April 25, 2018 [40 favorites]
I was just going to suggest cards. My mother passed away recently after an illness that kept her hospitalised and bedbound for four years. She was also hard of hearing. Me telling her about my week only used up so much time during a visit. But she played Cribbage really well right to the end.
posted by TORunner at 9:18 AM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by TORunner at 9:18 AM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
My husband is hard of hearing and what works best for us is if I say it again *differently* when I repeat myself. “Can you get me my shoes?” Might become “my shoes are in the hallway. Could you get them?” I also pick up the object I’m talking about if available/applicable. It gives him more clues.
With my elderly relatives, we:
- listen to popular music from their era. There’s lots on Spotify and I’m sure other streaming services.
- I ask them questions like “what was your first car?” Or “what do you remember from holidays as a child?”
- we look at picture. If the pics are mine, I ask them if it makes them think of any memories. If it’s theirs, I ask follow up questions
- I recently had a lot of luck looking through an old Women’s Day magazine I bought on eBay with my mom. She’s not elderly really, but I think it could work.
posted by CMcG at 9:19 AM on April 25, 2018 [13 favorites]
With my elderly relatives, we:
- listen to popular music from their era. There’s lots on Spotify and I’m sure other streaming services.
- I ask them questions like “what was your first car?” Or “what do you remember from holidays as a child?”
- we look at picture. If the pics are mine, I ask them if it makes them think of any memories. If it’s theirs, I ask follow up questions
- I recently had a lot of luck looking through an old Women’s Day magazine I bought on eBay with my mom. She’s not elderly really, but I think it could work.
posted by CMcG at 9:19 AM on April 25, 2018 [13 favorites]
My centenarian grandmother is deaf, and nowadays we just write on an erasable whiteboard to communicate. Mostly we ask her questions about her life (How did she meet my grandfather? What did she love most about him? What did she do during the war? Where was her favorite place to travel? Sometimes we go through the photo album. That sort of thing.) -- she loves telling stories and she has an astonishingly good memory, better than mine! Next time I visit, I'm going to print out some questions in advance.
Mostly she just likes having company. She lives independently and loves being a hostess. I like to bring her different foods she hasn't tried, especially cookies or candies or flavored coffee she can offer to visitors.
She loves looking at magazines. We like to watch TV together and talk about it afterward -- she has specific shows she won't miss!
posted by mochapickle at 9:20 AM on April 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
Mostly she just likes having company. She lives independently and loves being a hostess. I like to bring her different foods she hasn't tried, especially cookies or candies or flavored coffee she can offer to visitors.
She loves looking at magazines. We like to watch TV together and talk about it afterward -- she has specific shows she won't miss!
posted by mochapickle at 9:20 AM on April 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
Do they have books? Look at the titles to learn their interests. Where did they work? What hobbies did/do they have? I am approaching geezerhood, and if people stop by, I can chat. Possibly too much, *cough*. They might be kind of boring, in which case, cards or a puzzle. Invite them for dinner, maybe they'll invite you back. Talk about food, the building, the town.
I am hearing-impaired; when you talk to me, look right at me, use a loud voice, but please be careful not to sound like you're yelling, some people in my life get a weird edge to their louder voice with me. If I am lot looking at your face, like if you are behind or in front of me, I will not hear you. If you call to me from another room, I may know you called, but I will not understand the words. Don't put your hand in front of your mouth when speaking; it's surprising how many people do this. If they have old hearing aids, encourage them to get new ones if possible (they're heinously expensive), as the technology has improved dramatically.
posted by theora55 at 9:28 AM on April 25, 2018 [14 favorites]
I am hearing-impaired; when you talk to me, look right at me, use a loud voice, but please be careful not to sound like you're yelling, some people in my life get a weird edge to their louder voice with me. If I am lot looking at your face, like if you are behind or in front of me, I will not hear you. If you call to me from another room, I may know you called, but I will not understand the words. Don't put your hand in front of your mouth when speaking; it's surprising how many people do this. If they have old hearing aids, encourage them to get new ones if possible (they're heinously expensive), as the technology has improved dramatically.
posted by theora55 at 9:28 AM on April 25, 2018 [14 favorites]
I also recommend playing cards (if they play). We play Euchre with my grandma who has dementia and is hard of hearing. Best way to pass a good afternoon for all. I also agree with trying to get them to talk about their lives.
posted by devonia at 9:29 AM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by devonia at 9:29 AM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
Games are good--I've played a lot of Scrabble and a lot of Uno with seniors. The rules are simple and there is a little cognitive challenge for both you and them.
Music is great--and, stay with me here, I know this sounds silly but a lot of older people love to sing along with music. My grandmother complains frequently that people don't sing anymore--when she was in her 20s and 30s, she belonged to a hiking club that would hike all day and sing together as they were going. We interact with music in a much more isolated way now than in past decades.
posted by assenav at 9:33 AM on April 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
Music is great--and, stay with me here, I know this sounds silly but a lot of older people love to sing along with music. My grandmother complains frequently that people don't sing anymore--when she was in her 20s and 30s, she belonged to a hiking club that would hike all day and sing together as they were going. We interact with music in a much more isolated way now than in past decades.
posted by assenav at 9:33 AM on April 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
Imagine 90 year olds asking their forum "How do I talk to 45 year olds" and getting answers like "Ask them about John Hughes movies." If they are present in the present, mentally fit and simply hard of hearing, you do not need to assume they're interested only in the past, want to share their own personal life stories with mere acquaintances, or have an interest in being the oracle of history. Chat the way you would chat with anyone who is hard of hearing. Speak directly to their face, clearly and with enough volume. Chat about the weather or the new bakery n the street. Sure, ask if they want to play cards, a board game or Words with Friends. Don't linger as a guest past the time the conversation lags just because you think they'll have nothing else to do when you go. Seriously, I have relatives in their 90s, and they have a sense of humor, opinions about politics, watch new releases on Netflix and all the rest. They just don't hear or walk so well.
posted by velveeta underground at 9:35 AM on April 25, 2018 [68 favorites]
posted by velveeta underground at 9:35 AM on April 25, 2018 [68 favorites]
I would clip simple recipes (including pictures), fluff articles, and bring small amounts of wonderful breads, fresh fruit, and baked goods to them.
And while they might not hear well (my mom was so deaf SHOUTING very clearly was needed) if you get them talking there doesn't need to be a lot of back and forth. They might not be chatty but I could get my mom talking so much she barely needed me. I so enjoy hearing about "the old days" I love listening to old folks talking about just about anything.
Are they physically able to get out? You could help them get out for a short walk - or maybe a wheelchair ("I know you are perfectly capable of walking but just in
case you get little tired").
posted by beccaj at 9:56 AM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
And while they might not hear well (my mom was so deaf SHOUTING very clearly was needed) if you get them talking there doesn't need to be a lot of back and forth. They might not be chatty but I could get my mom talking so much she barely needed me. I so enjoy hearing about "the old days" I love listening to old folks talking about just about anything.
Are they physically able to get out? You could help them get out for a short walk - or maybe a wheelchair ("I know you are perfectly capable of walking but just in
case you get little tired").
posted by beccaj at 9:56 AM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
Nthing velveeta underground's perspective. Late in my grandmother's life I finally realized "Grandmas are just like me!" and had fun bitch sessions with her about the terribleness of Sarah Palin. I wish I had come to this realization before she was 88 years old. I'd bet your neighbors would find it really refreshing to deal with younger people who don't treat them like they're old.
posted by something something at 9:57 AM on April 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by something something at 9:57 AM on April 25, 2018 [10 favorites]
Nthing cards. You will have to have them teach you Euchre each time you play, because for whatever reason the rules slip easily from memory as soon as you don't need them anymore, so there's some interaction right there.
posted by kindall at 9:57 AM on April 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by kindall at 9:57 AM on April 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
Things I do with my grandparents in their 90s:
- Go for walks around the block/push them in a wheel chair
- Sit outside in the sun
- Look at their old photos as a conversation starter
- Cook meals
- Watch PBS Masterpiece Mysteries
- Grumble about politics (don't have to talk, just make unpleasant noises)
posted by waninggibbon at 10:11 AM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
- Go for walks around the block/push them in a wheel chair
- Sit outside in the sun
- Look at their old photos as a conversation starter
- Cook meals
- Watch PBS Masterpiece Mysteries
- Grumble about politics (don't have to talk, just make unpleasant noises)
posted by waninggibbon at 10:11 AM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
On the one hand - they're people. You interact with them like they're people. On the other, they're people that you have to face directly to speak to and nearly shout, which does change the type of communications that are likely to happen; long back-and-forth conversations about nuances of terminology as applied to politics are not likely; shared activities that don't involve facing each other are troublesome. (Like cooking - it's hard to bake cookies with someone when you have to stop stirring, catch their attention, and say loudly, "PLEASE SET THE OVEN TO 350 NOW.")
I take it as a given that "get them to reminisce" is an icebreaker - if they start with "I remember what I was doing when I heard about JFK" and move onto "I wonder if those electric cars are any good?," then you can switch to current events and tech. Getting them to talk about their past and their interests is an easy way to get used to their speech habits, which will make talking about other subjects easier.
Offer to help fetch things if it comes up; you'll have to judge whether a "no" means, "thanks, but not this time" or "ugh how dare you imply I'm not physically fit." My experience with people who have mobility problems is that, as long as you're not being condescending, they're happy to have someone fetch the book or coffee cup or whatever when they're feeling slow, and occasionally would prefer the excuse to move around or the minor feeling of accomplishment. (I am middle-aged and able-bodied, and confess to the occasional feeling of accomplishment for "I have made my own coffee today from scratch!" So - offer to be helpful, but don't try to decide how much help they need or want.)
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 10:16 AM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
I take it as a given that "get them to reminisce" is an icebreaker - if they start with "I remember what I was doing when I heard about JFK" and move onto "I wonder if those electric cars are any good?," then you can switch to current events and tech. Getting them to talk about their past and their interests is an easy way to get used to their speech habits, which will make talking about other subjects easier.
Offer to help fetch things if it comes up; you'll have to judge whether a "no" means, "thanks, but not this time" or "ugh how dare you imply I'm not physically fit." My experience with people who have mobility problems is that, as long as you're not being condescending, they're happy to have someone fetch the book or coffee cup or whatever when they're feeling slow, and occasionally would prefer the excuse to move around or the minor feeling of accomplishment. (I am middle-aged and able-bodied, and confess to the occasional feeling of accomplishment for "I have made my own coffee today from scratch!" So - offer to be helpful, but don't try to decide how much help they need or want.)
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 10:16 AM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
My grandma recently died at 96 and was sharp until the end. We talked about her neighbors (so, gossip), sports, books (she LOVED to read), and how much we hate Trump. Cards is a great idea (if their eyesight is good). I also liked to talk to my Grandma about The Voice, so if you guys all watch the same show, that can be good, too. My other grandma was an excellent cook, so sometimes I'd ask her to explain to me how to make something (that way I was doing less talking and more obeying, so she didn't need to hear ME).
I also want to just say that I think it is great that you're making an effort. I think sometimes younger people forget that older people are people and would like to socialize, too.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:55 AM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
I also want to just say that I think it is great that you're making an effort. I think sometimes younger people forget that older people are people and would like to socialize, too.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:55 AM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
I was just visiting my grandmother who is 95 and still lives independently (through sheer determination). Things she has enjoyed in the past with neighbors is having some cheese and crackers and drinking some wine on the patio as well as short excursions. So if they would like to be taken to the Barnes and Noble or the, ahem, state liquor store (if they are like my grandmother) if you have the time - that could be nice.
Things I would like neighbors to do with my grandmother is to get her mobile - so short walks are something that might be nice - to the extent your neighbors are able to do that.
posted by rdnnyc at 12:33 PM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
Things I would like neighbors to do with my grandmother is to get her mobile - so short walks are something that might be nice - to the extent your neighbors are able to do that.
posted by rdnnyc at 12:33 PM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
If they're hard of hearing to the point of making conversation difficult, try card games, crib, chess, watch a show or movie with them, offer help with tasks that might be difficult like laundry or transportation, bring them baking etc.
posted by OnefortheLast at 1:21 PM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by OnefortheLast at 1:21 PM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
Jigsaw puzzles!
posted by pintapicasso at 2:00 PM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by pintapicasso at 2:00 PM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
My grandmother was so hard of hearing that the screaming to talk to her made my ears ring. She loved baseball though and we could talk about the Mets (Yankee fan here. Sorry.) for hours. We would watch a game and she would start telling stories about the old Brooklyn Dodgers and Gil Hodges and Jackie Robinson, etc. Just like anyone else, find out what their interests are and talk about them. Obviously, it is easier to listen to them than for them to listen to you so listen.
Also, some of my visits were just hanging out in the same room. Grandmother would knit and I would read a book and we would pass a few hours together. Drink a little tea, nibble on a biscuit, etc.
My kids, when they visit my parents (in their 80s) they love to show them technology. They show them Instagram pictures, or how snapchat works, etc.
Finally, even though they are independent and physically fit, ask them if they need anything. Can you get something at the store, move a piece of furniture, reach something on a high shelf.
posted by AugustWest at 6:18 PM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
Also, some of my visits were just hanging out in the same room. Grandmother would knit and I would read a book and we would pass a few hours together. Drink a little tea, nibble on a biscuit, etc.
My kids, when they visit my parents (in their 80s) they love to show them technology. They show them Instagram pictures, or how snapchat works, etc.
Finally, even though they are independent and physically fit, ask them if they need anything. Can you get something at the store, move a piece of furniture, reach something on a high shelf.
posted by AugustWest at 6:18 PM on April 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
I love playing large format scrabble with my 96 year old granny!
posted by ellieBOA at 11:12 PM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by ellieBOA at 11:12 PM on April 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
+1 to cards, scrabble, sharing a snack, watching baseball, jigsaw puzzles, music. I did all those with my grandma who was hard of hearing in her 90s.
She also loved wheel of fortune, easy to watch and interact with even if you can't hear everything that's going on.
Also, in the reminiscing vein, you could ask if they have picture albums to look at.
posted by pazazygeek at 1:41 AM on April 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
She also loved wheel of fortune, easy to watch and interact with even if you can't hear everything that's going on.
Also, in the reminiscing vein, you could ask if they have picture albums to look at.
posted by pazazygeek at 1:41 AM on April 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone -- each and every answer was really helpful and gave me lots of good ideas and reassurance.
posted by neematoad at 6:23 AM on April 26, 2018
posted by neematoad at 6:23 AM on April 26, 2018
I have a good friend who's 84. We spend a lot of time talking about how much we hate Trump.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:35 PM on April 27, 2018
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:35 PM on April 27, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:14 AM on April 25, 2018 [15 favorites]