Do I ask her out again?

April 13, 2018 8:46 AM

I went on a great date, but now there may be someone else is in the picture. Do I back away?

I went out on a date with someone I really liked. Things were going well - touching, laughing, and I followed up after that I had a great time and would like to go out again. She agrees. I chickened out of a kiss and told her so, and she said "I should have."

Then she went on vacation and we kept in touch but not a lot. I sensed she wasn't as interested in talking via text, but I just chalked it up to her not being a big texter and busy so didn't text as much.

Then we return and she has a party (which I wasn't invited to, but we had only been on one date). I hear from mutual friends, though, that she had someone else she was dating at that party. This was a bummer because it seemed that I was not really in the picture anymore. I knew she was seeing someone else before we went on the date (and she said she was casually seeing this person), but now I'm not so sure as this person made the cut for the party.

So I'm in a place where I'm not sure what to do. I'm working on taking more risks and I'm very shy with dating -- never asking out, etc. So I don't want to regret not asking for another date. But also I'm not feeling great if we haven't talked at all and this other person is more involved.

We're both women if that matters.

posted by pando11 to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Ask her out again! It's completely appropriate, and the worst she can do is say no. You don't know what the deal is with the party -- possibly she invited the other person before she went out with you, possibly the other person also knows the party hosts, the fact that she took the other person to the party says nothing at all about whether she wants to hear from you again.
posted by LizardBreath at 8:50 AM on April 13, 2018 [4 favorites]

You can keep doing nothing and never quite know if you should have done something, or you can text her (or call her) and say "Hey, welcome back from vacation! How was it? Want to get a drink and catch up?"
posted by rtha at 8:51 AM on April 13, 2018 [7 favorites]

Don't disqualify yourself in advance! If she's lost interest, she'll let you know. Which won't be fun, but in the overall scheme of things, it's a pretty low risk compared to potential reward. You already got over the first date hurdle, after all!
posted by praemunire at 8:53 AM on April 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Walk yourself (write it down) through the absolute worst (realistic) scenario if you ask her politely but directly out again. It isn't bad at all, is it? She says no and you're probably sad for a bit but overall glad that it's not a worry anymore.

Now write down all the benefits if she says yes.

Do this every time you're unsure about something due to anxiety until it's a habit.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:57 AM on April 13, 2018 [40 favorites]

This sounds like an great opportunity for you to take more risks without staking a huge amount, emotionally! I wouldn't really read that much into not being invited to the party if you have only been on one date with her, or with the fact that she wasn't too much in touch on vacation. Both of those things sounds pretty ordinary considering you're not terribly close.

Worst case scenario she doesn't want to go on another date and you can be proud of yourself for giving it a shot. Best case scenario it turns out you're far more charming and interesting than the other person she's seeing and the fact that she was seeing someone else becomes a moot point.
posted by griphus at 8:58 AM on April 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

31 years ago in college...

COD has a fun first date that was actually a blind date set up by a friend. A 2nd date is set - her sorority formal a couple of weeks in the future. We don't make any intermediate plans. In the intervening time, another friend tells me he has seen that girl spending a lot of time with a friend of his. I was trying to play it cool between the two dates because I was sort seeing somebody else too, but I make a little more of an effort to make sure she realizes I'm really looking forward to the formal dance.

To make a long story short, August will be our 26th wedding anniversary. That other guy was lobbying for her to break the formal date with me and take him instead. My re-engaging with her probably saved the date, and basically changed the course of the rest of my life.

Ask her out.
posted by COD at 10:11 AM on April 13, 2018 [15 favorites]

Exclusivity doesn't apply until it is said out loud that it does. Ask her out.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:33 AM on April 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Do it. Worse case scenerio is that she says no. This is still new so she's probably just unsure as to what she wants right now.

Speaking for myself I know that my uncertainty can often come across as disinterest. Especially in today's world of online dating where it seems like 90% of the profiles don't tell you anything about the person at all.
posted by fantasticness at 11:37 AM on April 13, 2018

I am absolutely, completely, totally allergic to the cult of positive thinking. The ONLY thing I've ever encountered along those lines that ever resonated with me was this:

My therapist taught me to interrupt my anxious thinking with thoughts like "What if it works out?" and "What if all my hard work pays off?"

So I offer that to you as a way of suggesting you send a low-key text along the lines of "LTNS! Let me know a time that's good if you're interested in going out again."

That is very clear and puts the ball in her court.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:37 PM on April 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

I agree with everyone saying you have nothing to lose in asking her out, BUT...

I also believe that generally if someone is interested in you, it will be easy and obvious. If you weren't invited to a party that mutual friends went to, that says something. I'm thinking that she is more interested in the person she mentioned as having been 'casually' dating.
posted by thereader at 2:15 PM on April 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

If she was really into you, she probably would have invited you to her party.

You can always ask her out again - if she says no at least you know you tried.
posted by 41swans at 7:23 PM on April 13, 2018