My co-parent's new boyfriend is sharing a bed with my kids?
March 1, 2018 9:40 AM Subscribe
I suspect that my co-parent’s new boyfriend may be sharing a bed with my kids (13-year-old boy, 8-year-old girl) and co-parent. Should I take action? What action should I take?
My kids are quite open that they sleep in their mom’s bed essentially every night that they’ve spent with her since our separation on November 1, 2017. Prior to our separation, the kids slept in their own beds. I understand that my 13-year old son no longer has a bed in his room because the cat peed on the mattress some weeks ago. Based on observing the boyfriend’s car parked outside my co-parent’s house at 9:15p last night and 8:00a this morning, I expect that he slept over last night. (My co-parent lives on an arterial street, so my own drives to and from my house take me past her house.)
My co-parent appeared to become quite serious with a new boyfriend in December, 2017, based on the appearance of boyfriend's car in her driveway nearly every day that kids were with me. My co-parent has not communicated anything to me about the new boyfriend or made any introduction, other than a statement through attorneys that she wanted to introduce our kids to a new boyfriend.
I am upset that someone I don’t know is spending substantial time with my kids. I think it’s weird that my almost 14-year-old son has shared a bed with his mother since we separated. I am gravely concerned that the sleeping arrangements may have a man I don’t know sharing a bed with my 8-year old daughter.
Communication between my co-parent and myself is not good right now. I expect that if I asked any questions to her about this, that she would tell me to talk to her attorney. I do not wish to ask questions of my kids about what happens at their mothers house, as this will put them in the middle of disputes between my co-parent and I and I think that’s a bad idea. So my options are — (1) do nothing; (2) Call child-protective services; (3) Push for a Child-Family Investigator (but this is a slow moving process to get any resolution); (4) Ask my attorney what can be done to assuage my concerns; (5) What else am I not thinking of?
I’m asking this question because I am upset about this. My main goals in the divorce process are no less than 50% time with kids and low conflict. I expect that pursuing my upset feelings will compromise my goal of a low-conflict divorce. I’m asking this question in part to help determine how ‘urgently’ I should pay attention to my upset feelings about this issue.
To address anticipatable questions: The kids sleep in their own beds at my house. They spend 50% time with me. I do not have any ‘serious’ romantic interests (I’m in the middle of a divorce!) . I expect that I would be respectful of my co-parents wishes if/when there ever comes a time to introduce a new romantic partner to my kids.
My kids are quite open that they sleep in their mom’s bed essentially every night that they’ve spent with her since our separation on November 1, 2017. Prior to our separation, the kids slept in their own beds. I understand that my 13-year old son no longer has a bed in his room because the cat peed on the mattress some weeks ago. Based on observing the boyfriend’s car parked outside my co-parent’s house at 9:15p last night and 8:00a this morning, I expect that he slept over last night. (My co-parent lives on an arterial street, so my own drives to and from my house take me past her house.)
My co-parent appeared to become quite serious with a new boyfriend in December, 2017, based on the appearance of boyfriend's car in her driveway nearly every day that kids were with me. My co-parent has not communicated anything to me about the new boyfriend or made any introduction, other than a statement through attorneys that she wanted to introduce our kids to a new boyfriend.
I am upset that someone I don’t know is spending substantial time with my kids. I think it’s weird that my almost 14-year-old son has shared a bed with his mother since we separated. I am gravely concerned that the sleeping arrangements may have a man I don’t know sharing a bed with my 8-year old daughter.
Communication between my co-parent and myself is not good right now. I expect that if I asked any questions to her about this, that she would tell me to talk to her attorney. I do not wish to ask questions of my kids about what happens at their mothers house, as this will put them in the middle of disputes between my co-parent and I and I think that’s a bad idea. So my options are — (1) do nothing; (2) Call child-protective services; (3) Push for a Child-Family Investigator (but this is a slow moving process to get any resolution); (4) Ask my attorney what can be done to assuage my concerns; (5) What else am I not thinking of?
I’m asking this question because I am upset about this. My main goals in the divorce process are no less than 50% time with kids and low conflict. I expect that pursuing my upset feelings will compromise my goal of a low-conflict divorce. I’m asking this question in part to help determine how ‘urgently’ I should pay attention to my upset feelings about this issue.
To address anticipatable questions: The kids sleep in their own beds at my house. They spend 50% time with me. I do not have any ‘serious’ romantic interests (I’m in the middle of a divorce!) . I expect that I would be respectful of my co-parents wishes if/when there ever comes a time to introduce a new romantic partner to my kids.
This is a hard question. You know you have no say in your coparents love life and the pace at which it progresses. Without a strong relationship with her, you are right you can't address the sleeping arrangements with her and get anywhere.
I'd be concerned about the sleeping arrangements too. Is your soon to be ex cash strapped? Is she working a weird shift or otherwise stressed out about something. Your best bet here is to support your exes life so she has the money and energy to make good decisions for your kids.
Maybe move away from 50% parenting and shoot for parenting that will work for your kids and keep you and your ex happy and healthy and able to provide great care for your kids. An equal split is rarely best for the parties involved.
Supporting your ex is the best way through this. You could even say, gosh I heard you had a cat accident with sons beds. Cats can be so difficult sometimes. I have a spare mattress because X excuse, if you'd like it.
Good luck.
posted by Kalmya at 9:58 AM on March 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
I'd be concerned about the sleeping arrangements too. Is your soon to be ex cash strapped? Is she working a weird shift or otherwise stressed out about something. Your best bet here is to support your exes life so she has the money and energy to make good decisions for your kids.
Maybe move away from 50% parenting and shoot for parenting that will work for your kids and keep you and your ex happy and healthy and able to provide great care for your kids. An equal split is rarely best for the parties involved.
Supporting your ex is the best way through this. You could even say, gosh I heard you had a cat accident with sons beds. Cats can be so difficult sometimes. I have a spare mattress because X excuse, if you'd like it.
Good luck.
posted by Kalmya at 9:58 AM on March 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
I wouldn't assume anything, the new partner may be sleeping on the Chesterfield. The problem seems to be that your teen does not have a bed. Solve that problem by offering to purchase a mattress, even a second-hand one. If the money galls you, then document it and ask for it to be taken out of equalization/child support or whatever to make you "whole". Yes, it is a pain to be the adult in a non-friendly co-parent relationship but this is for your son, who I assume would rather sleep in his own bed.
posted by saucysault at 9:59 AM on March 1, 2018 [68 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 9:59 AM on March 1, 2018 [68 favorites]
I think it's a little hard to tease apart your feelings here. Reading your question, it seems like you're upset because of several things unrelated to the new boyfriend sleeping in a bed with your kids (ex has a new romantic partner, she's already introduced partner to kids, etc). I like the idea of offering a mattress as discussed above as a potential solve, though my guess would be you will continue to be uncomfortable and find something new to project that discomfort on once the sleeping arrangements are resolved. Really sorry to hear what you're going through! Divorce is the worst.
posted by bigplugin at 10:05 AM on March 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by bigplugin at 10:05 AM on March 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
I do not wish to ask questions of my kids about what happens at their mothers house, as this will put them in the middle of disputes between my co-parent and I and I think that’s a bad idea.
Do you all go to a family therapist? I feel like there are ways to talk to your kids about the 50% of the time that they spend away from you without creating a big conflict. Are there not? If the language has gotten so tense that no one can talk about the other home without it feeling like a betrayal or conflict in the making, then that's kind of a bad environment. If it is that way, I think a helpful family mediator might be a good thing here. Your children are in different stages of development and can handle different kinds of conversations. You should be able to say to your daughter: "Hey, I know this is really weird and hard but just know that I love you and if you are feeling anything strange or unhappy, you can always talk to me. If you have any questions, please know that you can ask me." Also, establish that there are "no secrets, only surprises." Like, there just are no secrets in the family. If someone asks you to keep a "secret" the only thing that is allowed if it's a secret birthday present or secret family outing. Anything else is "no secrets." This is especially for your daughter who at that age needs to understand that if an adult says to "keep something a secret," unless it's going to be a surprise that she can and should always tell you.
There are also books about good and bad touching that would be appropriate for her age. There's a book called "It's Not the Stork" that is a decent age-appropriate book that has a section on what is a good and bad touch. You should have a book like that in your home library.
Your son can be talked with differently though if you haven't established with him like your daughter that he can be open and honest and "no secrets" with you without you blowing up into a conflict, then you should do that, too. The parents here have created a chasm of trust that can be rebuilt with therapy and diligent and continuous loving action.
Get him a new mattress today. Have it delivered and the old one removed.
posted by amanda at 10:10 AM on March 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
Do you all go to a family therapist? I feel like there are ways to talk to your kids about the 50% of the time that they spend away from you without creating a big conflict. Are there not? If the language has gotten so tense that no one can talk about the other home without it feeling like a betrayal or conflict in the making, then that's kind of a bad environment. If it is that way, I think a helpful family mediator might be a good thing here. Your children are in different stages of development and can handle different kinds of conversations. You should be able to say to your daughter: "Hey, I know this is really weird and hard but just know that I love you and if you are feeling anything strange or unhappy, you can always talk to me. If you have any questions, please know that you can ask me." Also, establish that there are "no secrets, only surprises." Like, there just are no secrets in the family. If someone asks you to keep a "secret" the only thing that is allowed if it's a secret birthday present or secret family outing. Anything else is "no secrets." This is especially for your daughter who at that age needs to understand that if an adult says to "keep something a secret," unless it's going to be a surprise that she can and should always tell you.
There are also books about good and bad touching that would be appropriate for her age. There's a book called "It's Not the Stork" that is a decent age-appropriate book that has a section on what is a good and bad touch. You should have a book like that in your home library.
Your son can be talked with differently though if you haven't established with him like your daughter that he can be open and honest and "no secrets" with you without you blowing up into a conflict, then you should do that, too. The parents here have created a chasm of trust that can be rebuilt with therapy and diligent and continuous loving action.
Get him a new mattress today. Have it delivered and the old one removed.
posted by amanda at 10:10 AM on March 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
I agree with everything mskyle said above. Even assuming that your children aren't sleeping in the same bed as the boyfriend, I think it's super weird bordering on highly inappropriate for a 14-year-old boy to be sleeping in the same bed as his mother, much less with his mother and eight-year-old sister. If the cat peed on the mattress there are about a zillion different ways of dealing with that problem -- having the kid sleep on the couch until the mattress can be replaced, having the kid sleep on an air mattress for a few days, dousing the mattress in Febreeze, etc. No way is "sleep with mom" the correct default response for that situation.
I would absolutely bring all this up with your attorney. It's not, in fact, particularly unusual, at least in my jurisdiction, for separation agreements to contain language about how soon a child may be introduced to a new romantic partner, or how serious the new relationship has to be for the child to be introduced.
You do not want to call Child Protective Services. Trust me on this one. Let your attorneys deal with it.
posted by holborne at 10:11 AM on March 1, 2018 [25 favorites]
I would absolutely bring all this up with your attorney. It's not, in fact, particularly unusual, at least in my jurisdiction, for separation agreements to contain language about how soon a child may be introduced to a new romantic partner, or how serious the new relationship has to be for the child to be introduced.
You do not want to call Child Protective Services. Trust me on this one. Let your attorneys deal with it.
posted by holborne at 10:11 AM on March 1, 2018 [25 favorites]
Given that it appears this was only one night, it does seem pretty likely that he slept separately from the kids. You need to find out more, I think, which probably means talking to your ex and asking.
posted by howfar at 10:12 AM on March 1, 2018
posted by howfar at 10:12 AM on March 1, 2018
Is it possible that the guy sleeps on the sofa when your kids are there? Or goes home? If the attorneys are talking about introducing him, you can request no overnights.
Could you keep this low-conflict and work with your ex to get your son get a replacement mattress?
Would the kids have done the same thing 6 months ago if they were traumatized? Some of the highs schoolers from the FL shooting reported briefly “cocooning” with parents, and I hope no one called CPS. Parents & kiddos have a completely different context. We’re there any red flags for calling CPS a year ago? 5 years ago? Is there any cultural heritage or family history wrt co-sleeping? If so, slow your roll considerably.
posted by childofTethys at 10:17 AM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Could you keep this low-conflict and work with your ex to get your son get a replacement mattress?
Would the kids have done the same thing 6 months ago if they were traumatized? Some of the highs schoolers from the FL shooting reported briefly “cocooning” with parents, and I hope no one called CPS. Parents & kiddos have a completely different context. We’re there any red flags for calling CPS a year ago? 5 years ago? Is there any cultural heritage or family history wrt co-sleeping? If so, slow your roll considerably.
posted by childofTethys at 10:17 AM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Talk to your attorney about this. It's just not appropriate for the kids to be co-sleeping with the parent and unknown romantic partner if that's what's happening. Don't start with talking to your ex without speaking to your attorney. Talk to your son about the mattress and offer him a new one with no strings.
posted by quince at 10:17 AM on March 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by quince at 10:17 AM on March 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
Communication between my co-parent and myself is not good right now. I expect that if I asked any questions to her about this, that she would tell me to talk to her attorney.
The question to ask is, "Son says that he doesn't have a bed in his room because the cat peed on the mattress - is that true? And is there anything I can help with there? I'm happy to help get another mattress for son in his room." If she says to talk to her attorney then you talk to the attorneys. Or, you know, just go to the attorneys if you think your son's explanation is reliable.
posted by amanda at 10:18 AM on March 1, 2018 [16 favorites]
The question to ask is, "Son says that he doesn't have a bed in his room because the cat peed on the mattress - is that true? And is there anything I can help with there? I'm happy to help get another mattress for son in his room." If she says to talk to her attorney then you talk to the attorneys. Or, you know, just go to the attorneys if you think your son's explanation is reliable.
posted by amanda at 10:18 AM on March 1, 2018 [16 favorites]
Is your scenario concerning? Yes.
But it had lots of assumptions:
1) there is only one sleeping surface in her house.
2)boyfriend actually slept over
3) mattress issue had not been taken care of
4) no one choose to sleep in a sleeping bag, air mattress, blanket fort, whatever.
You need to slow down and talk to your kids. And your attorney.
posted by AlexiaSky at 10:20 AM on March 1, 2018 [13 favorites]
But it had lots of assumptions:
1) there is only one sleeping surface in her house.
2)boyfriend actually slept over
3) mattress issue had not been taken care of
4) no one choose to sleep in a sleeping bag, air mattress, blanket fort, whatever.
You need to slow down and talk to your kids. And your attorney.
posted by AlexiaSky at 10:20 AM on March 1, 2018 [13 favorites]
I think you need to reassess your idea that you can't ask your kids about what happens at their mom's house. Even if they are only with you 50% of the time, you are still their dad 100% of the time, and responsible for their well-being 100% of the time. You deserve to make sure they are being cared for appropriately, and they deserve that too.
There is a way to broach this topic with them that is neutral. You don't have to tell them what you think about the situation. Just ask them what they think about it, and listen without judgement to whatever they say.
I agree that *if* the new boyfriend is sleeping with the kids that is super not OK and needs to be addressed asap. But even if he's not and it's just a misunderstanding, you need to learn how to communicate with your children about what their lives are like when you aren't around.
posted by the turtle's teeth at 10:32 AM on March 1, 2018 [36 favorites]
There is a way to broach this topic with them that is neutral. You don't have to tell them what you think about the situation. Just ask them what they think about it, and listen without judgement to whatever they say.
I agree that *if* the new boyfriend is sleeping with the kids that is super not OK and needs to be addressed asap. But even if he's not and it's just a misunderstanding, you need to learn how to communicate with your children about what their lives are like when you aren't around.
posted by the turtle's teeth at 10:32 AM on March 1, 2018 [36 favorites]
I don't have kids nor have I been divorced, but I have been 14 and if a parent said something like this to me, I'd think nothing of it: "Hey (smiling and washing the dishes) did you get that cat pee thing resolved yet? What'd y'all end up doing?" And then based on that answer maybe you can tease out the daughter's sleeping arrangement. "Oh cool, glad you got your own bed again, so does sis have her own space too?"
And then the key is, whatever the response is (i.e. if it's "No, we never worked it out, I've just been sleeping in Mom's bed with sis and Mom") DON'T REACT or just do a "Oh ok. So anyway can you help me dry these dishes?" Just figure out what the situation might be, then you can talk to your lawyer / a family counselor / therapist and make a plan to get more information from other parent and/or resolve.
I mean, it seems weirder to me to NEVER be able to talk to your kids about their living arrangement. Doesn't that make them feel they shouldn't / can't come to you if they ever do have legitimate concerns or questions about their time with the other parent?
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 10:33 AM on March 1, 2018 [67 favorites]
And then the key is, whatever the response is (i.e. if it's "No, we never worked it out, I've just been sleeping in Mom's bed with sis and Mom") DON'T REACT or just do a "Oh ok. So anyway can you help me dry these dishes?" Just figure out what the situation might be, then you can talk to your lawyer / a family counselor / therapist and make a plan to get more information from other parent and/or resolve.
I mean, it seems weirder to me to NEVER be able to talk to your kids about their living arrangement. Doesn't that make them feel they shouldn't / can't come to you if they ever do have legitimate concerns or questions about their time with the other parent?
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 10:33 AM on March 1, 2018 [67 favorites]
(I actually don't think it's super weird for kids that age to sleep with mom especially if the separation has been stressful or traumatic for them, but "the cat peed on your bed so you don't have one now" sounds like pretty dysfunctional parenting outside of dire financial circumstances.)
posted by the turtle's teeth at 10:36 AM on March 1, 2018 [27 favorites]
posted by the turtle's teeth at 10:36 AM on March 1, 2018 [27 favorites]
I suspect that my co-parent’s new boyfriend may be sharing a bed with my kids (13-year-old boy, 8-year-old girl) and co-parent.
Even if said bed is a king and everyone's on the small side, that seems like it would be absurdly crowded. And if they were to sleep that way out of perceived necessity, I certainly don't think the arrangement would be BF-daughter-son-parent; BF-parent-kid1-kid2 seems way more likely. Now, I understand that you may not find it an acceptable arrangement regardless, but the worry that they might all sleep together in a way that leaves the child(ren) vulnerable doesn't seem like it's warranted unless something else is very wrong with your co-parent's ability to protect and provide for the kids in general. Overall, I think it's much more likely the boyfriend slept elsewhere -- right now you don't even know for sure that he was even present and not just stashing his car there, right? Please don't call CPS about what could very easily be a misunderstanding. Talking this over with your lawyer, and then potentially reaching out to hers, seems like a reasonable compromise, as does gently trying to get some additional information from the kids.
posted by teremala at 10:44 AM on March 1, 2018 [5 favorites]
Even if said bed is a king and everyone's on the small side, that seems like it would be absurdly crowded. And if they were to sleep that way out of perceived necessity, I certainly don't think the arrangement would be BF-daughter-son-parent; BF-parent-kid1-kid2 seems way more likely. Now, I understand that you may not find it an acceptable arrangement regardless, but the worry that they might all sleep together in a way that leaves the child(ren) vulnerable doesn't seem like it's warranted unless something else is very wrong with your co-parent's ability to protect and provide for the kids in general. Overall, I think it's much more likely the boyfriend slept elsewhere -- right now you don't even know for sure that he was even present and not just stashing his car there, right? Please don't call CPS about what could very easily be a misunderstanding. Talking this over with your lawyer, and then potentially reaching out to hers, seems like a reasonable compromise, as does gently trying to get some additional information from the kids.
posted by teremala at 10:44 AM on March 1, 2018 [5 favorites]
I am upset that someone I don’t know is spending substantial time with my kids.
I'm sorry this is upsetting to you, but that is just part of getting divorced. Your partner was responsible in having you informed that she had a new romantic partner who would be introduced to the kids. Unless you really think the kids are being abused, you don't have a whole lot of say in what your co-parent does (your local laws and divorce agreement may vary, of course). I get that you drive by the house every day, but your specifics about the boyfriend's car and times he's been there seem a little concerning to me. Also, you really don't know that he's sleeping in the same bed with your co-parent, let alone your kids.
So if what you think is happening is actually happening, it seems weird, but you seem to me to be jumping the gun in all kinds of ways. Are you seeing a therapist? Letting go of control of part of your kids lives is one of the hardest things about divorce, but it is part of it. (And I really do sympathize - I have been through some real shit with this kind of thing myself - including my kids being emotionally abused by ex's new partner). A therapist could also give you a neutral viewpoint on what is appropriate for you to get involved with and what you need to stay out of.
posted by FencingGal at 10:45 AM on March 1, 2018 [21 favorites]
I'm sorry this is upsetting to you, but that is just part of getting divorced. Your partner was responsible in having you informed that she had a new romantic partner who would be introduced to the kids. Unless you really think the kids are being abused, you don't have a whole lot of say in what your co-parent does (your local laws and divorce agreement may vary, of course). I get that you drive by the house every day, but your specifics about the boyfriend's car and times he's been there seem a little concerning to me. Also, you really don't know that he's sleeping in the same bed with your co-parent, let alone your kids.
So if what you think is happening is actually happening, it seems weird, but you seem to me to be jumping the gun in all kinds of ways. Are you seeing a therapist? Letting go of control of part of your kids lives is one of the hardest things about divorce, but it is part of it. (And I really do sympathize - I have been through some real shit with this kind of thing myself - including my kids being emotionally abused by ex's new partner). A therapist could also give you a neutral viewpoint on what is appropriate for you to get involved with and what you need to stay out of.
posted by FencingGal at 10:45 AM on March 1, 2018 [21 favorites]
I am upset that someone I don’t know is spending substantial time with my kids.
This is also what I keyed in on immediately.
You are ending your romantic relationship with co-parent. Co-parent is completely within their rights to have a new romantic partner.
A few other things:
- Four months ago, your childrens' family split apart. Kids do normally want to sleep with a parent at times of stress. My kid does it (at 11). Lots of kids do it. Having a family bed can be reassuring to children and that, in and of itself, even at a time of stress, is not at all weird.
- You are making a lot of assumptions. Maybe other partner's car broke down. Maybe co-parent's car broke down and they're borrowing. Maybe other partner slept over. You're assuming that if this new partner slept over, the kids slept in the bed with them anyhow (I bet they didn't). You're assuming, and then getting upset about the story you have created in your head. Stop doing that.
- If you can verify that your 13 year old doesn't have a mattress, buy one. Divorce is expensive, and it is not unusual for women to take a bigger economic hit during a divorce. Meet your kids' needs, and do it with as little drama as possible "Oh, hey, Junior told me you can't get the cat pee smell out of the mattress. That's gross, and I'm sorry you guys had to deal with it. I'm happy to get a new one to you - when can it be delivered?"
- Family therapy for the sake of your kids, and individual therapy for you.
- Talk to your kids. Let them be open with you. Don't accuse. Don't tell the the story you're assuming. Ask open ended questions and be someone who is there to help.
Good luck to you guys.
posted by anastasiav at 10:56 AM on March 1, 2018 [15 favorites]
This is also what I keyed in on immediately.
You are ending your romantic relationship with co-parent. Co-parent is completely within their rights to have a new romantic partner.
A few other things:
- Four months ago, your childrens' family split apart. Kids do normally want to sleep with a parent at times of stress. My kid does it (at 11). Lots of kids do it. Having a family bed can be reassuring to children and that, in and of itself, even at a time of stress, is not at all weird.
- You are making a lot of assumptions. Maybe other partner's car broke down. Maybe co-parent's car broke down and they're borrowing. Maybe other partner slept over. You're assuming that if this new partner slept over, the kids slept in the bed with them anyhow (I bet they didn't). You're assuming, and then getting upset about the story you have created in your head. Stop doing that.
- If you can verify that your 13 year old doesn't have a mattress, buy one. Divorce is expensive, and it is not unusual for women to take a bigger economic hit during a divorce. Meet your kids' needs, and do it with as little drama as possible "Oh, hey, Junior told me you can't get the cat pee smell out of the mattress. That's gross, and I'm sorry you guys had to deal with it. I'm happy to get a new one to you - when can it be delivered?"
- Family therapy for the sake of your kids, and individual therapy for you.
- Talk to your kids. Let them be open with you. Don't accuse. Don't tell the the story you're assuming. Ask open ended questions and be someone who is there to help.
Good luck to you guys.
posted by anastasiav at 10:56 AM on March 1, 2018 [15 favorites]
(2) Call child-protective services;
um
you are getting a little ahead of yourself here. just ask your kids where the new boyfriend sleeps when he stays over. if you get a problematic answer you can go code red and take it to your attorney, but probably they aren't all sleeping together?
you can talk to your kids about life at mom's house without involving them in disputes. also find a new route to drive home.
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:00 AM on March 1, 2018 [9 favorites]
um
you are getting a little ahead of yourself here. just ask your kids where the new boyfriend sleeps when he stays over. if you get a problematic answer you can go code red and take it to your attorney, but probably they aren't all sleeping together?
you can talk to your kids about life at mom's house without involving them in disputes. also find a new route to drive home.
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:00 AM on March 1, 2018 [9 favorites]
You definitely need to confirm that those assumptions are actual facts before talking to an attorney or CPS. Ask your kids what's up.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 11:10 AM on March 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by rabbitrabbit at 11:10 AM on March 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
Assuming that your kids slept in the same bed with their mother's boyfriend is not the conclusion I would jump to, and it strikes me as highly unlikely that kids of your age would choose to do that. Ensure that they have their own beds to sleep in and otherwise MYOB.
posted by metasarah at 12:05 PM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 12:05 PM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think for your own mental health, too, maybe find a different route to take instead of the one that goes past your ex's place?
posted by jillithd at 12:45 PM on March 1, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by jillithd at 12:45 PM on March 1, 2018 [10 favorites]
My son still argues at the age of nearly 7 to sleep in our bed and not sleep alone. It all depends on family norms, as a family that struggles with this I did not think the OP was assuming too much.
Further, sleepovers by significant others when the minor children are present is definitely something that usually gets stipulated in custody agreements as a matter of routine. OP, it looks like your custody process is not where it should be, it doesn't match up. Your ex is unlikely to want rules about when an SO can sleepover stipulated, but it is normal to do so.
The sleeping over + where everyone is sleeping are both issues that require attention.
Talk to your attorney today. Find out what can be done.
posted by jbenben at 12:49 PM on March 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
Further, sleepovers by significant others when the minor children are present is definitely something that usually gets stipulated in custody agreements as a matter of routine. OP, it looks like your custody process is not where it should be, it doesn't match up. Your ex is unlikely to want rules about when an SO can sleepover stipulated, but it is normal to do so.
The sleeping over + where everyone is sleeping are both issues that require attention.
Talk to your attorney today. Find out what can be done.
posted by jbenben at 12:49 PM on March 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
As a child protection social worker, if I received this as a report, it would put me in a bind because in my jurisdiction we have to investigate everything that is reported, but often the investigative process is really traumatic for kids. Sexual abuse interviews are not not harmful, especially to kids who have not been abused.
Pause and breathe before you react. A lot of protection reports that I receive are from people who have the sense that something is not ok in their lives or their kids lives -which is a valid feeling to have- and they feel like calling CPS will bring change or resolution faster. It almost never makes anything better.
posted by unstrungharp at 12:51 PM on March 1, 2018 [22 favorites]
Pause and breathe before you react. A lot of protection reports that I receive are from people who have the sense that something is not ok in their lives or their kids lives -which is a valid feeling to have- and they feel like calling CPS will bring change or resolution faster. It almost never makes anything better.
posted by unstrungharp at 12:51 PM on March 1, 2018 [22 favorites]
I don't have kids and this is a tough situation. But I might try to open some dialogue with your co-parent in a non-accusatory way. You can offer to get a mattress for the son and express concern about your children sharing a bed with parent past the age it's appropriate. Maybe it really is a financial issue, or maybe your co-parent will be defensive about it and doesn't see a probably with the child sleeping with her, in which case then I think you escalate to attorney and explore options. I think you have to ask the kids about this, and try to avoid making it confrontational or weird. Just casual ask, "So what's it like when you stay with mom? What did you eat for dinner? Where did you sleep?" Etc. You need to know what's going on. If you can't talk to your co-parent or your kids at all about this, then I really think you should consult with your attorney. If the kids are being put in an unhealthy situation, maybe you getting full custody would be worth the conflict with your ex, since it sounds like you're on pretty bad terms anyway.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:26 PM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:26 PM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Offer to buy bed(s) for your kids, talk to your kids about it like "how are things over with your mom? Would you like new mattresses, maybe we can go look at some next weekend". What I'd be worried about is the kids feeling like their life is getting a downgrade since the split like they're feeling that things are less stable now, their mom is struggling, etc.
The 14 year old sleeping with his mom doesn't strike me as super strange or unhealthy as a temporary thing but if he had his own room before that should get fixed asap. Does the 8 year old have a room but prefer sleeping with mom? That is pretty normal, but she should have her own room as well as a place she can have some privacy if the boyfriend is indeed around overnight.
I wouldn't be crazy about the new boyfriend sleeping with the kids (it sounds crowded and not the best environment for either kid) so I would inquire about whether that is in fact happening. I would ask your kids and their mom (separately, once the kids confirm it's happening). I'd do it via text or email with the mom so you have a record. There's nothing wrong with asking and you won't traumatize your kids by asking what the set-up is, to me that's being a good parent to want to know what's going on. And repeating what others have said it's a standard divorce clause thing to have some rules in place about sleepovers with new partners. I would keep the framing fully around the well-being of the kids and wanting to help if she is struggling to replace the mattress and provide a nice home for them.
I 50-50 parent with my ex, our son is nearly 7, we've been split up 3.5 years. We avoided the lawyer route but I've advocated for changes at my ex's place when I felt it was important (we both coslept with our son but he didn't have his own room set up at my ex's, I complained and now he has his one).
When I got serious with my boyfriend I told my ex and told him the level of interaction that was happening with our son to give him a heads-up, then when we decided to move in together I let him know that too so he could be supportive with our son about the move and new place. They haven't met yet but they will at birthdays and drop-offs eventually. I expect the same from him, but if it's the same level of interaction of say another parent on a playdate or a friend (so someone being around during the day for an activity or a meal or something once a week) I wouldn't expect to be told unless it was going to get more serious. Letting someone be alone with or with your kids for extended periods is another story. If I get a babysitter or have a playdate I tell my ex so he knows what's happening for our kid socially and otherwise, and I don't consider us to be that great at co-parenting.
posted by lafemma at 1:29 PM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
The 14 year old sleeping with his mom doesn't strike me as super strange or unhealthy as a temporary thing but if he had his own room before that should get fixed asap. Does the 8 year old have a room but prefer sleeping with mom? That is pretty normal, but she should have her own room as well as a place she can have some privacy if the boyfriend is indeed around overnight.
I wouldn't be crazy about the new boyfriend sleeping with the kids (it sounds crowded and not the best environment for either kid) so I would inquire about whether that is in fact happening. I would ask your kids and their mom (separately, once the kids confirm it's happening). I'd do it via text or email with the mom so you have a record. There's nothing wrong with asking and you won't traumatize your kids by asking what the set-up is, to me that's being a good parent to want to know what's going on. And repeating what others have said it's a standard divorce clause thing to have some rules in place about sleepovers with new partners. I would keep the framing fully around the well-being of the kids and wanting to help if she is struggling to replace the mattress and provide a nice home for them.
I 50-50 parent with my ex, our son is nearly 7, we've been split up 3.5 years. We avoided the lawyer route but I've advocated for changes at my ex's place when I felt it was important (we both coslept with our son but he didn't have his own room set up at my ex's, I complained and now he has his one).
When I got serious with my boyfriend I told my ex and told him the level of interaction that was happening with our son to give him a heads-up, then when we decided to move in together I let him know that too so he could be supportive with our son about the move and new place. They haven't met yet but they will at birthdays and drop-offs eventually. I expect the same from him, but if it's the same level of interaction of say another parent on a playdate or a friend (so someone being around during the day for an activity or a meal or something once a week) I wouldn't expect to be told unless it was going to get more serious. Letting someone be alone with or with your kids for extended periods is another story. If I get a babysitter or have a playdate I tell my ex so he knows what's happening for our kid socially and otherwise, and I don't consider us to be that great at co-parenting.
posted by lafemma at 1:29 PM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
When our dog was a puppy she peed multiple times on the various mattresses in the house. I bought a wet vac specifically for that reason and we didn't have to discard the mattresses. In the absence of a wet vac, you can also pay for a cleaning service to come and deep clean the mattress. It shouldn't cost more than $150. This is not an impossible problem to solve.
Also, the concept of a family bed is completely the norm in many cultures. My son who is 11 sleeps in my bed and loves it.
I do agree it's not okay for the kids to sleep in the same bed with non-relatives, but start from that dirty mattress and go from there.
posted by Dragonness at 2:25 PM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Also, the concept of a family bed is completely the norm in many cultures. My son who is 11 sleeps in my bed and loves it.
I do agree it's not okay for the kids to sleep in the same bed with non-relatives, but start from that dirty mattress and go from there.
posted by Dragonness at 2:25 PM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
It may not be a great choice, but I think your best choice is to talk to your attorney to ask her attorney to give you assurances that neither of your children are sharing a bed with her new boyfriend. You won't get an answer otherwise.
posted by AugustWest at 3:10 PM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 3:10 PM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
I am in a similar situation to you, but a bit further along in the process. Two months after our divorce was finalized, I learned that my seven-year-old daughter had sat on Mom's new boyfriend's lap while sitting around a campfire at the beach.
I was incensed. I know the guy well, and know he has been violent in the past, and the thought of my innocent daughter sitting on his lap made me furious.
But... There is nothing, legally speaking, that I can do about it. I had to accept that as fact. Unless (or until) he actually does something violent or sexual in front of the kids, I have no say in the matter.
It sucks. It really sucks. But in Oregon, at least, it is the law.
I really feel for you. This is one of the hard parts about divorce: realizing that you care about the safety and/or security of your kids more than your ex does.
But I'm afraid you're going to have to let it go. Mention it to your attorney to get a real answer, but it is very possible you can't do anything.
posted by tacodave at 3:51 PM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
I was incensed. I know the guy well, and know he has been violent in the past, and the thought of my innocent daughter sitting on his lap made me furious.
But... There is nothing, legally speaking, that I can do about it. I had to accept that as fact. Unless (or until) he actually does something violent or sexual in front of the kids, I have no say in the matter.
It sucks. It really sucks. But in Oregon, at least, it is the law.
I really feel for you. This is one of the hard parts about divorce: realizing that you care about the safety and/or security of your kids more than your ex does.
But I'm afraid you're going to have to let it go. Mention it to your attorney to get a real answer, but it is very possible you can't do anything.
posted by tacodave at 3:51 PM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
I am married to a father of 2 twin 8 yr old boys. I am female. Both when we were dating ( after I got to know the children over a few months time) and now the 8 year olds have wanted to take naps with the husband, with me, with me and the husband. They have also slept overnight with either or both of us when they were stressed. They view me as a parent and call me mom and there is nothing weird or twisted going on in our house.
If this is a serious relationship for your ex then viewing this gent as a dad figure is normal.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 4:04 PM on March 1, 2018
If this is a serious relationship for your ex then viewing this gent as a dad figure is normal.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 4:04 PM on March 1, 2018
I do not wish to ask questions of my kids about what happens at their mothers house, as this will put them in the middle of disputes between my co-parent and I and I think that’s a bad idea.
you are clearly implying abuse, the potential for abuse, or the appearance of impropriety that can be used to allege abuse. it is completely possible that you are correct. so you cannot then turn around and pull out this petty concern to justify your passivity, as if it exists in the same universe of importance. How do you think knowing that their parent is subtly checking up on their other parent stacks up, trauma-wise, against being abused and knowing their dad suspected it was happening but never asked?
If you are concerned for their welfare you will not hide behind this nonsense about putting them in the middle -- if you need to know who's sleeping in the same bed with them, calm down, get your neutral phrasing in order so it doesn't sound like an accusation against their mother, and then ask them. if you are worried for their well-being, it is shocking that you're refraining from asking. refrain from criticizing until you know more, sure. but it's your job to know.
since you say your kids make no secret of the sleeping arrangements, it makes no sense that you can't casually ask them how they feel about it or where this guy sleeps when he stays over. don't say it like you're digging for dirt, just ask like you'd ask what they had for dinner. If you don't think you can control yourself enough to be convincing, work on that.
if you're not sincerely concerned about abuse and you don't have reason to believe your children are troubled by anything, do not call CPS. this should go without saying, but you never know. "My kids say a guy sleeps in the same bed with them and they don't like it" = call somebody. "I saw a guy's car in the driveway and had a lengthy imagination about it" = they will laugh at you, or should. you must talk to your children.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:37 PM on March 1, 2018 [19 favorites]
you are clearly implying abuse, the potential for abuse, or the appearance of impropriety that can be used to allege abuse. it is completely possible that you are correct. so you cannot then turn around and pull out this petty concern to justify your passivity, as if it exists in the same universe of importance. How do you think knowing that their parent is subtly checking up on their other parent stacks up, trauma-wise, against being abused and knowing their dad suspected it was happening but never asked?
If you are concerned for their welfare you will not hide behind this nonsense about putting them in the middle -- if you need to know who's sleeping in the same bed with them, calm down, get your neutral phrasing in order so it doesn't sound like an accusation against their mother, and then ask them. if you are worried for their well-being, it is shocking that you're refraining from asking. refrain from criticizing until you know more, sure. but it's your job to know.
since you say your kids make no secret of the sleeping arrangements, it makes no sense that you can't casually ask them how they feel about it or where this guy sleeps when he stays over. don't say it like you're digging for dirt, just ask like you'd ask what they had for dinner. If you don't think you can control yourself enough to be convincing, work on that.
if you're not sincerely concerned about abuse and you don't have reason to believe your children are troubled by anything, do not call CPS. this should go without saying, but you never know. "My kids say a guy sleeps in the same bed with them and they don't like it" = call somebody. "I saw a guy's car in the driveway and had a lengthy imagination about it" = they will laugh at you, or should. you must talk to your children.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:37 PM on March 1, 2018 [19 favorites]
and if you haven't already given your kids the standard education around bodily autonomy/procedures for reacting to and reporting abuse that any parent with kids that age should have done, please do it now. all the usual talks about how they can tell you anything, you'll never be mad at them for telling, it doesn't have to be really bad to be worth talking about, just feeling bad or uncomfortable without knowing why is something they can always talk about and never something for them to feel ashamed of or feel they have to keep secret. all that stuff.
make sure you do not include anything about how you'd destroy anybody who ever hurt them, that does not encourage disclosure. and don't do it as a thinly veiled discussion of this boyfriend. let it be its own conversation.
but establishing clear communication and guidelines about these things with your kids should give you some calm while you sort out practical custody issues.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:46 PM on March 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
make sure you do not include anything about how you'd destroy anybody who ever hurt them, that does not encourage disclosure. and don't do it as a thinly veiled discussion of this boyfriend. let it be its own conversation.
but establishing clear communication and guidelines about these things with your kids should give you some calm while you sort out practical custody issues.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:46 PM on March 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
I am upset that someone I don’t know is spending substantial time with my kids. This is what happens in divorce. Ideally, the new people in your kids' life is someone who will be another adult resource. In reality, it's a crap shoot. Unless the person is genuinely abusive or severely impaired in some way, you have no options here.
I think it’s weird that my almost 14-year-old son has shared a bed with his mother since we separated. I am gravely concerned that the sleeping arrangements may have a man I don’t know sharing a bed with my 8-year old daughter.
I think your concerns are valid. Son should have a functional bed. Neither child should be in bed with someone unrelated. It's awkward when kids have been sleeping in a parent's bed and are displaced by a romantic interest. It's likely your (soon-to-be) ex- is sleeping with the new guy. I used to keep a foam pad and sleeping bag under my bed. If my son needed to come into my room, he could sleep next to the bed. It was a good way to transition.
So my options are — (1) do nothing; (2) Call child-protective services; (3) Push for a Child-Family Investigator (but this is a slow moving process to get any resolution); (4) Ask my attorney what can be done to assuage my concerns; (5) What else am I not thinking of?
Your lawyer is probably expensive but you should still talk to them. This is a situation with potential for abuse and certainly inappropriate, but I'm not hearing that you think any abuse has happened. As a general rule, you're right not to put the kids in the middle. You're learning how to do this, and things just escalated. You are going to have to find ways to communicate successfully with your ex- and to resolve all sorts of issues. It can be quite difficult. Talk to your lawyer, a family therapist, a social services agency, to find out if there are any programs or resources to help parents learn to co-parent. The one in my area is called Kids First.
Either directly or through lawyers or the kids, you need to know what the sleeping arrangements are. It's okay to say to son Did you say your mattress got trashed; is that fixed? I think it will work best if you assume your ex- is doing things right, so that your questions are Kids have been sleeping in Ex's bed, Ex has new love interest sleeping over, the kids are in their own beds, right?
It's a good idea to review Stranger Danger stuff with the kids on a routine basis. My son was very unhappy when his Dad got a roommate not long after we separated. They talked about Stranger Danger at school, and he thought the roommate was a Stranger. Once clarified, it was no big deal. You don't want your kids to carry messages for you, but you do want them to know you are paying attention to their safety and happiness and listening and caring.
posted by theora55 at 6:36 PM on March 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
I think it’s weird that my almost 14-year-old son has shared a bed with his mother since we separated. I am gravely concerned that the sleeping arrangements may have a man I don’t know sharing a bed with my 8-year old daughter.
I think your concerns are valid. Son should have a functional bed. Neither child should be in bed with someone unrelated. It's awkward when kids have been sleeping in a parent's bed and are displaced by a romantic interest. It's likely your (soon-to-be) ex- is sleeping with the new guy. I used to keep a foam pad and sleeping bag under my bed. If my son needed to come into my room, he could sleep next to the bed. It was a good way to transition.
So my options are — (1) do nothing; (2) Call child-protective services; (3) Push for a Child-Family Investigator (but this is a slow moving process to get any resolution); (4) Ask my attorney what can be done to assuage my concerns; (5) What else am I not thinking of?
Your lawyer is probably expensive but you should still talk to them. This is a situation with potential for abuse and certainly inappropriate, but I'm not hearing that you think any abuse has happened. As a general rule, you're right not to put the kids in the middle. You're learning how to do this, and things just escalated. You are going to have to find ways to communicate successfully with your ex- and to resolve all sorts of issues. It can be quite difficult. Talk to your lawyer, a family therapist, a social services agency, to find out if there are any programs or resources to help parents learn to co-parent. The one in my area is called Kids First.
Either directly or through lawyers or the kids, you need to know what the sleeping arrangements are. It's okay to say to son Did you say your mattress got trashed; is that fixed? I think it will work best if you assume your ex- is doing things right, so that your questions are Kids have been sleeping in Ex's bed, Ex has new love interest sleeping over, the kids are in their own beds, right?
It's a good idea to review Stranger Danger stuff with the kids on a routine basis. My son was very unhappy when his Dad got a roommate not long after we separated. They talked about Stranger Danger at school, and he thought the roommate was a Stranger. Once clarified, it was no big deal. You don't want your kids to carry messages for you, but you do want them to know you are paying attention to their safety and happiness and listening and caring.
posted by theora55 at 6:36 PM on March 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
"My co-parent has not communicated anything to me about the new boyfriend or made any introduction, other than a statement through attorneys that she wanted to introduce our kids to a new boyfriend... Communication between my co-parent and myself is not good right now. I expect that if I asked any questions to her about this, that she would tell me to talk to her attorney...."
This is your answer. She wants communication through a third party.
The lawyers can advise both of you about the legal status of the new boyfriend, how the sleeping arrangements should be handled in your state, and ideally how to communicate with each other and your children about appropriate interaction with the new adults in their lives.
The lawyers may also advise parenting resources so that the two of you can learn to work as a parenting team in the future, rather than two camps.
Not putting the kids in the middle of your dispute is good. Letting them figure things out for themselves as teens / tweens is not.
Do the children have other adults as parenting resources, such as grandparents or aunts and uncles? Maybe they are close to the parents of one of their friends. Act as a parenting team to encourage this, since the actions of a non-parent can give each child perspective without the baggage they are currently wading through. They need a neutral advocate they can rely on when their parents are acting crazy.
posted by TrishaU at 5:24 AM on March 2, 2018
This is your answer. She wants communication through a third party.
The lawyers can advise both of you about the legal status of the new boyfriend, how the sleeping arrangements should be handled in your state, and ideally how to communicate with each other and your children about appropriate interaction with the new adults in their lives.
The lawyers may also advise parenting resources so that the two of you can learn to work as a parenting team in the future, rather than two camps.
Not putting the kids in the middle of your dispute is good. Letting them figure things out for themselves as teens / tweens is not.
Do the children have other adults as parenting resources, such as grandparents or aunts and uncles? Maybe they are close to the parents of one of their friends. Act as a parenting team to encourage this, since the actions of a non-parent can give each child perspective without the baggage they are currently wading through. They need a neutral advocate they can rely on when their parents are acting crazy.
posted by TrishaU at 5:24 AM on March 2, 2018
I get that you are concerned about your kids, but it's concerning to me that you are paying this much attention to the comings and goings at your ex's house. It feels a little...stalkerish, to say it plainly. Please find yourself an alternate route and, if you need to, get some professional help detaching. This behavior is not helping you or the kids.
posted by fiercecupcake at 6:46 AM on March 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by fiercecupcake at 6:46 AM on March 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
On the one hand, he could be a great guy, supportive of the kids, and things could be entirely innocent.
On the other hand, if he were such a great guy, why wouldn't he want to avoid the appearance of impropriety and treat your kids respectfully, if nothing else. Maybe a young 14 and an 8 year old would feel most comfortable sleeping in mom's room--but EVERYONE sleeping in mom's bed is a bit squicky.
Talk to your lawyer for the kid's protection. Take the kids to a therapist and have him or her do a bit of family counseling with all of you. The one thing you don't want is to ignore this. "Bad Uncles" can intimidate a kid into not talking to adults by threatening everyone's safety.
The ideal situation is that you and your ex would have transparency and communication in the best interest of the kids, and that she would introduce you to people of importance in her life. She doesn't want contact, and you need to respect that. Be cautious that you can't be interpreted as being a stalker in this situation. That's why getting your lawyer and a therapist involved to take this over is better than your trying to handle this.
If nothing else, you could give the ex one of those heavy duty plastic with a zipper to enclose the mattress. My fear would be they'd kick your boy out of the bedroom and continue to sleep with your young daughter. At least they're together at this point, and your son may well be protective of his sister in that case. (Which is not to say that he should have to be put in that position....)
Best of luck to ALL of you. This situation sucks, and it would be nice if the boyfriend were at all aware enough to be an adult about it.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:23 AM on March 2, 2018
On the other hand, if he were such a great guy, why wouldn't he want to avoid the appearance of impropriety and treat your kids respectfully, if nothing else. Maybe a young 14 and an 8 year old would feel most comfortable sleeping in mom's room--but EVERYONE sleeping in mom's bed is a bit squicky.
Talk to your lawyer for the kid's protection. Take the kids to a therapist and have him or her do a bit of family counseling with all of you. The one thing you don't want is to ignore this. "Bad Uncles" can intimidate a kid into not talking to adults by threatening everyone's safety.
The ideal situation is that you and your ex would have transparency and communication in the best interest of the kids, and that she would introduce you to people of importance in her life. She doesn't want contact, and you need to respect that. Be cautious that you can't be interpreted as being a stalker in this situation. That's why getting your lawyer and a therapist involved to take this over is better than your trying to handle this.
If nothing else, you could give the ex one of those heavy duty plastic with a zipper to enclose the mattress. My fear would be they'd kick your boy out of the bedroom and continue to sleep with your young daughter. At least they're together at this point, and your son may well be protective of his sister in that case. (Which is not to say that he should have to be put in that position....)
Best of luck to ALL of you. This situation sucks, and it would be nice if the boyfriend were at all aware enough to be an adult about it.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:23 AM on March 2, 2018
This thread irritated me because I'm pretty sure any adult who would start sleeping over with a family only 4 months into a divorce process is immature at best, a predator taking advantage of a family experiencing trauma at worst. The ex's choices here flies in the face of parenting best practices for children experiencing divorce. I wish anyone telling the OP to mind their own business had groked the brief amount of time these kids have had to adjust and process their parents' divorce.
posted by jbenben at 9:31 AM on March 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 9:31 AM on March 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
From the question, OP doesn't even actually know that this is the boyfriend's car, just that the boyfriend exists. Unless there's more detail than what was shared, all the rest is speculation. FFS just ask the kids what they think of mom's new friend and what's up with the bed sitch.
posted by aspersioncast at 10:01 AM on March 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by aspersioncast at 10:01 AM on March 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
I agree with jbenben. I think it's super red flaggy and I'll also acknowledge that I wouldn't trust any person who would jump into the situation as described for the reasons jbenben alluded to.
However, the possible responses OP outlined are all kinds of "guns blazing" when there's a) not enough info for that, b) actionable routes to take that are tempered and more likely to get traction and elicit factual information and, c) the family is still in transition and that needs to be worked on real hard with the help of professionals, ideally. It's got to be hard to go from dual parent/possibly chaotic household due to divorce to knowing how to act as the parent which is what each of these parents are now individually due to the separation. You can't rely on the other one to talk about body stuff or tough topics while you stick to other things - you have to be a whole, stable parent to your kids.
There's positive, firm, actionable things that OP can and should take both for this situation and to establish groundwork for future situations. Above all, the children need to continue to be nurtured, supported, encouraged and protected. Going off on a rampage when the situation is not known will not help one little bit.
posted by amanda at 12:30 PM on March 2, 2018
However, the possible responses OP outlined are all kinds of "guns blazing" when there's a) not enough info for that, b) actionable routes to take that are tempered and more likely to get traction and elicit factual information and, c) the family is still in transition and that needs to be worked on real hard with the help of professionals, ideally. It's got to be hard to go from dual parent/possibly chaotic household due to divorce to knowing how to act as the parent which is what each of these parents are now individually due to the separation. You can't rely on the other one to talk about body stuff or tough topics while you stick to other things - you have to be a whole, stable parent to your kids.
There's positive, firm, actionable things that OP can and should take both for this situation and to establish groundwork for future situations. Above all, the children need to continue to be nurtured, supported, encouraged and protected. Going off on a rampage when the situation is not known will not help one little bit.
posted by amanda at 12:30 PM on March 2, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's great that you want to have a low-conflict divorce, but that can't mean just ignoring big, weird, red-flag stuff that your ex is doing. Your ex can create conflict whether you want her to or not. You can't prioritize a low-conflict divorce over your kids' well-being.
posted by mskyle at 9:54 AM on March 1, 2018 [26 favorites]