Making friends in your 40s in a small town (Iowa City)
February 20, 2018 8:37 AM Subscribe
After everything I've gone through to get out of a 20 year abusive marriage (see posting history) I am on the road to a healthy and happy life. But ...
. I'm 41, remarried, relocated to the Midwest (Coralville IA), going to therapy for the first time, and learning how to be a stepmom to three wonderful children). The problem is I don't really have any social supports or friends in our new community even though we moved here 6 months ago. I work from home for an employer based back in DC so there isn't an opportunity to connect with people at work. Meetup just isn't the bustling situation here that it was back in DC.. I have still stepped up to the plate by starting 2 meetup groups and join some others but it's really slow going just to even get to know people and I haven't found anyone I really click with yet. I have kids now so I thought maybe some of the mom groups might be good but I quickly learned stepmoms are eyed with a bit of suspicion. I found a nice church but most of the congregants are much older than me. In short I'm having trouble finding people in their thirties and forties to click with. What can I do?
. I'm 41, remarried, relocated to the Midwest (Coralville IA), going to therapy for the first time, and learning how to be a stepmom to three wonderful children). The problem is I don't really have any social supports or friends in our new community even though we moved here 6 months ago. I work from home for an employer based back in DC so there isn't an opportunity to connect with people at work. Meetup just isn't the bustling situation here that it was back in DC.. I have still stepped up to the plate by starting 2 meetup groups and join some others but it's really slow going just to even get to know people and I haven't found anyone I really click with yet. I have kids now so I thought maybe some of the mom groups might be good but I quickly learned stepmoms are eyed with a bit of suspicion. I found a nice church but most of the congregants are much older than me. In short I'm having trouble finding people in their thirties and forties to click with. What can I do?
It depends on your specific hobbies and interests of course, but a few specific recommendations for IC:
- Prairie Lights Bookstore hosts lots of great readings and book clubs
- Politics tends to be a huge draw in Iowa due to the primaries so there are tons of opportunities for volunteering in any year, and it's an easy way to connect with like-minded folks.
- If you like outdoorsy things, you could also get involved with things like prairie-restoration volunteer work.
posted by veery at 9:02 AM on February 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
- Prairie Lights Bookstore hosts lots of great readings and book clubs
- Politics tends to be a huge draw in Iowa due to the primaries so there are tons of opportunities for volunteering in any year, and it's an easy way to connect with like-minded folks.
- If you like outdoorsy things, you could also get involved with things like prairie-restoration volunteer work.
posted by veery at 9:02 AM on February 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
A surprising number of MeFites are in and near Iowa City, considering its size. Some of them will meet in person. (I met a MeFite IRL once. They were great, obviously.)
posted by Spathe Cadet at 9:37 AM on February 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Spathe Cadet at 9:37 AM on February 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
In my town, yoga is full of people in their 30s and 40s.
posted by xo at 10:05 AM on February 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by xo at 10:05 AM on February 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: My hobbies are board games (we have over 700 so i started a boardgame meetup group in coralville), cooking and gourmet cuisine (so i started a monthly supper club meetup) , travel, easy to medium difficulty hiking/running (the husband's ex wife joined both the hiking and running meetup groups in IC and while we get along i would feel awkward being in meetup with her). Would especially like to meet some stepmoms, fellow IT geeks, or christians. Burned out on politics bc my party is currently a garbage fire.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 10:16 AM on February 20, 2018
posted by TestamentToGrace at 10:16 AM on February 20, 2018
You might look into the Iowa City based Iowa Tech Chicks (website and Facebook). I know a couple women who are part of it and they seem like a great group, doing especially good work with girls in the area.
posted by ClingClang at 10:44 AM on February 20, 2018
posted by ClingClang at 10:44 AM on February 20, 2018
I know what you mean: I have found this to be a problem of the university town. The "gown" contingent is 18 and wants to drink pitchers 100% of the time it's not passed out; the "town" contingent is 79 and insular and suspicious of outsiders.
Honestly, what you're already doing seems about right. Maybe add "volunteering." And if you haven't already, join the coop! They have the best coop ever: the new pioneer co-op. I hope it's still there; don't tell me if it's not. It's where I learned about cheese.
posted by Don Pepino at 11:41 AM on February 20, 2018
Honestly, what you're already doing seems about right. Maybe add "volunteering." And if you haven't already, join the coop! They have the best coop ever: the new pioneer co-op. I hope it's still there; don't tell me if it's not. It's where I learned about cheese.
posted by Don Pepino at 11:41 AM on February 20, 2018
For board games, have you tried the Hobby Corner at the Sycamore Mall in Iowa City? I think they have a weekly board game night.
Also, We Run out of North Liberty has a weekly running group.
For cooking, the New Pioneer Coop and Kirkwood both have various cooking classes you may be interested in.
posted by statsgirl at 12:28 PM on February 20, 2018
Also, We Run out of North Liberty has a weekly running group.
For cooking, the New Pioneer Coop and Kirkwood both have various cooking classes you may be interested in.
posted by statsgirl at 12:28 PM on February 20, 2018
It sounds like you've relocated to your husband's hometown. I don't know if you two like to keep a bright line between your friend groups; if not, perhaps you could invite people he already knows over for dinner, or game night, and get to know them better yourself. (Particularly if any of his guy friends are also remarried-with-kids, so you can be friendly with other stepmoms.)
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:49 PM on February 20, 2018
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:49 PM on February 20, 2018
Response by poster: Not my husband's hometown. He does not know many ppl here. Moved here bc his ex wanted to move here (she lived here previously and has many friends and social support here) and we have 50/50 custody of the kids and have jobs where we can work from anywhere so we said ok.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 1:43 PM on February 20, 2018
posted by TestamentToGrace at 1:43 PM on February 20, 2018
What's he doing to make friends? Could you do couple-y activity things together? Social dance classes, bowling or other sports league...
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:00 PM on February 20, 2018
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:00 PM on February 20, 2018
Some ideas:
Coralville Center for the Performing Arts
Coralville Public Library
Seconding joining New Pioneer Co-op.
The local United Way has opportunities to volunteer and a women's group (Power of the Purse) that meets regularly.
posted by Fukiyama at 5:51 PM on February 20, 2018
Coralville Center for the Performing Arts
Coralville Public Library
Seconding joining New Pioneer Co-op.
The local United Way has opportunities to volunteer and a women's group (Power of the Purse) that meets regularly.
posted by Fukiyama at 5:51 PM on February 20, 2018
Is there a bar where you could play trivia? I live in a smallish college town, and have met some really cool people that way. It works even better if you can figure out where the profs play, then you are sure to find your cohort. Good luck! Cracking into friend groups in small towns can be tough.
posted by msali at 8:53 PM on February 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by msali at 8:53 PM on February 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
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For some other oprtions, my husband met a number of people through fitness groups. For example, Farrell’s has a cohort model so everyone in the cohort becomes pretty friendly with one another. There are also a number of low commitment volunteer opportunities like Table to Table or the Englert where you may meet new people.
Feel free to contact me if you’re interested in any other IC-specific tips.
posted by statsgirl at 8:58 AM on February 20, 2018