Workfriend(+?) conundrum
February 14, 2018 6:43 PM   Subscribe

A coworker and I have become (slightly problematic) friends over the past year. I think she wants a romantic relationship. I do not.

About 6 months ago, I began working closely with H due to a change in work duties. For context, she is 40 and has never been married, no kids. I am 47, divorced last year after a 27 year relationship (23 married), and father of two boys (18, 10).

We work well together and have always had a good rapport. We also differ in many ways. And she sometimes does things I do not like, e.g. posting a picture to FB of someone she observed not washing their hands in a public restroom.

Still, we get along well. But over the last couple of months, she has frequently asked to meet for dinner, go to a movie, meet up to look at flooring samples for her kitchen reno, and so on. I'm an introvert and often deflect this sort of invitation by long instinct. She tends to react by redoubling her efforts, often a) saying it'd be good for me to get out of the house or b) feigning offense, possibly sincerely, as in, "I guess you'd rather do laundry." I have a tendency to acquiesce, so I have said yes many times when I should have said no.

She also often gets me small gifts, ranging from cookies to eat at work to, for Valentine's Day today, a really nice linen bread bag for the sourdough rye I bake. When I got back to my desk, she texted me to say, "Since I'm your Valentine do we get to make out now?? Lol jk".

ALL OF WHICH IS TO SAY that I have very reasonable cause to believe she wants to be more than just friends.

Trust me when I say I do not want to explore a dating relationship H. I have my reasons, including an aversion to dating anyone at my workplace.

Now what? She and I will continue to work closely no matter what happens between us personally.

I seriously do not know how to think through this. Do I tell her directly, unprompted (more or less) that I don't think we should date? Do I wait for her to say or do something that requires a response from me? Has that already happened? Do I just slowly-but-surely back away, declining invitations more forcefully?

I'm really at a loss. And not even 10 months after my divorce, with next to zero dating experience, I could really use a range of advice here.
posted by Caxton1476 to Human Relations (28 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
"I'm sorry if I accidentally led you on, but I only want to be friends."
posted by Jacqueline at 6:44 PM on February 14, 2018 [8 favorites]


You need to be clear about boundaries here. Crystal clear. Say words out loud. And the reason you need to do this here is because you need to do it everywhere including when you do start dating, because ***gestures at the world right now***.

The graceful way to do this is pretend the mistake is entirely yours. Tomorrow, you reply to that text and say, "Hey, Friend, I have been an asshole by not being really firm about my no here, but for the sake of the workplace and your feelings and my feelings I need to clarify that I'm not comfortable with the vague floating idea that we're going to hook up in any way. I'm sorry I've been so unclear, it's not fair and it's that awful slimy 'plausible deniability' thing men do and in this day and age I need to do better. I'm sorry if I've led you on at all."

She may pretend to take offense that you could ever think she thinks something might happen. She might get mad at you. She might very well be all "yeah you led me on asshole" and whatever her reaction is, it's FINE, she is ALLOWED and you do not have to fix it or be liked. You just have to set the boundary and maintain it, and now you've got the no in writing.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:54 PM on February 14, 2018 [19 favorites]


I think you're doing it already. It's Valentine's Day, she gave you something, you didn't give her anything. Give it a couple of weeks, just let it be awkward a little longer before you feel compelled to "do something". Reacting calmly in the moment when this stuff happens can help in the near term, as could declining her invitations more definitely for a while.

You could also try to set her up with someone else.
posted by amtho at 6:55 PM on February 14, 2018 [4 favorites]


Define The Relationship.

Be proactive, tell her what you see your role with her as. Doesn’t even have to be negative. Some time in the near future if you’re not sure how to keep distance and not lead her along romantically, you can say something like ‘it sure is nice to have a good work buddy!’ Or something that feels natural to you that means you enjoy working with her, and nothing more.

In my experience ‘buddy’ makes it pretty clear that there is no romance, ymmv.
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:22 PM on February 14, 2018 [5 favorites]


In future you can use an indirect approach to head this sort of thing off at the pass. When you first realize someone might be interested, find a way to bring up coworkers dating and make it clear that's not something you would do.

>>"I found out my friend Pat is dating someone in their office. Wow what a bad idea that could cause a lot of drama and discomfort!"

>>"My friend Pat lost their job yesterday because the person they used to date got promoted after they broke up and fired them. Never date coworkers!"

>>"I was watching Friends with the kids last night. I had to explain to them that dating coworkers is really unprofessional and rarely ends well. Not like Tag and Rachel."
posted by bunderful at 7:24 PM on February 14, 2018 [2 favorites]


I would respond to her text like, "lol, but seriously we're just friends right? Because I'm not looking for anything more."
posted by delight at 7:25 PM on February 14, 2018 [57 favorites]


Yes, I think the text gives you an in.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:31 PM on February 14, 2018 [1 favorite]


I like delight's approach, but I also agree you have been doing a pretty decent job of passing the message, especially today. Keep declining things you don't want to do and ignoring any hints or suggestions that there might be something more.

If you ever get another message like the joke she sent you today, you could text back something along the lines of "haha, you scared me for a second there. No way I'm risking something like that with such a good work buddy."
posted by rpfields at 7:34 PM on February 14, 2018 [12 favorites]


The text gives you the in, it’s time to be clear: “I appreciate our work relationship so much, but jokes like that make me very uncomfortable”. She’s been quite pushy and you’ve been quite clear about not picking up what she’s laying down, gotta escalate. Also maybe put her on acquaintances list in Facebook so you see less of each others lives (and then use “friends except acquaintances” for much of your posting and maybe silence her for thirty days).
posted by Iteki at 8:07 PM on February 14, 2018 [17 favorites]


"I guess you'd rather do laundry."

good god. if she were anyone else on earth but a co-worker, I would advise you to say, "Yes, I would much rather do laundry alone than spend time with a self-pitying bully who can't take no for an answer gracefully." I am struggling with my instinct to say you are not safe alone with her, because that is without a doubt what I would say if she were a man and you a woman. and I'm not sure it matters. the next step in her tone-deaf escalation plan is to start groping you and feign offense when you pull away.

you should say no loudly and often, sure. but you have not failed to send the appropriate signals; she is not interested in reading them. she is radiating entitlement and I think that for all your disinterest you are still a little bit subject to the conditioning that makes us all try to read that entitlement as flattering instead of offensive. she is reading from a 1950s script that says men don't know what they want emotionally until women tell them, and she thinks it's cute. it's not.

if you didn't care about awkwardness, I'd say you should tell her never to send you sexual notes at work again, with or without a smiley face and a j/k attached, and mention it to HR. but I am sure this would be more trouble than it's worth. ignore (but save copies of) inappropriate communications; decline all invitations without apologies or excuses, and be polite to her at work.

Do I tell her directly, unprompted (more or less) that I don't think we should date?

I really wouldn't. She does not sound like someone who can be relied on to take it well. just decline everything. do not try to create or maintain a platonic friendship outside work, it is too late.

women are fed some bullshit myths about how men are so oblivious about flirting they have to be knocked on the head before they notice we're interested. but believing the myth is no excuse; she's a grownup.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:10 PM on February 14, 2018 [26 favorites]


> "haha, you scared me for a second there. No way I'm risking something like that with such a good work buddy."

Something like this is almost perfect except that the word "risking" implies that you might want to (i.e., that there's something to gain but there's a risk involved). Maybe you could combine the ones above, like: "haha, you scared me for a second there. But seriously, we're just friends right? That's all I'm looking for, a good work buddy."

I would start it out with a lol or ha ha. She's pretending to be joking, so you can play along with the pretense to spare her pride while answering the implied question.
posted by salvia at 8:20 PM on February 14, 2018 [14 favorites]


Dear god do not send her Lyn Never's text. That is guaranteed to piss her off AND make you look like you've done something wrong and could really blow up in everyone's face. This is work not therapy and you already know she has boundary issues and "calls people out". No no no no. You have nothing to apologize for here, you are not responsible for her and trust me, she knows she is being pushy. Don't be an idiot.

What you do here is you start dating someone else, an imaginary person is fine, and tell her about it casually in a way that makes it clear you think of her as a friend, nay a mother or sister figure. Make it clear that you're unavailable/ uninterested/ don't think of her romantically/ have a life without addressing it head on.

Ignore her text. If she has a clue she'll get the message. If she brings it up then you might have to brush it off in a way that lets her know you thought it was an inappropriate joke. Let the uncomfortable silence linger.
posted by fshgrl at 8:21 PM on February 14, 2018 [18 favorites]


She is pressuring you. It is not your responsibility to manage her desire for a relationship. The lighthearted-but-accurate suggested responses to her text would probably help. But it's also a good idea to say No and stick to it when you don't want to get pressured into activities outside of work.
"Since I'm your Valentine do we get to make out now?? Lol jk".
LOL. send
Friend, you know I'm not dating anytime soon, right? I'd hate to be giving off any other signals. Life's too complicated for that.
Any questions at all should be met with I really can't discuss it. If she keeps pressuring, you can say something like Please don't insist. It makes me feel bad because I've said No and hate to keep saying it.
posted by theora55 at 8:22 PM on February 14, 2018 [3 favorites]


sorry, an addendum:

I have a tendency to acquiesce, so I have said yes many times when I should have said no.

I do this too; it's bad. I am also someone who gives enormous benefit of the doubt to the woman in any heterosexual dispute of any kind, for what I think are very good reasons. I want to assure you that you have not 'led her on' in the classic sense. you have probably indicated that you're willing to be better friends with her than you really do want to be; you have not - unless you left something really important out - behaved like you want to date her.

She has read you, very astutely, as someone who can be pushed around. when she asks you five times to do something and you say No the first four times and Yes the last time, she is not somehow being cruelly manipulated into thinking that you secretly want her and like to be coaxed. she is perceiving, accurately, that you can be worn down if she persists long enough.

don't let yourself be convinced to gallantly take the blame for misleading her under the belief that it is the gentlemanly thing to do, or even the least awkward way out. people who are mad or embarrassed don't hear this as a polite fiction. if you say Oh it was my fault, they will agree with you that it was, indeed, your fault.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:36 PM on February 14, 2018 [29 favorites]


As a man, I imagine it might be difficult for you to picture yourself as a victim of sexual harassment but that is what's happening here. The last text is unequivocally sexual harassment. Personally, I would reply something like: "Hey now, I know it's Valentine's Day but let's keep it PG-13. Thanks for the gift!". The reason I phrased it this way is because in HR terms, sexual harassment has two components: 1) unwanted sexual attention and 2) informing the harasser that said attention is unwanted. So now your exchange has both of those components. Also I would avoid anything that sounds like an apology, such as "I may have led you on", because you may need to show these texts to HR if she escalates (less likely) or retaliates (more likely). I hope she doesn't but you never know with bullies/harassers so keep the texts and don't give her an inch, in writing at least.
posted by rada at 8:49 PM on February 14, 2018 [38 favorites]


Delight’s answer is perfect. Clear, direct, but with the right level of lightheartedness, and a chance for her to save face (i.e. she can reply: “of course i was joking haha” and the end).

The older I get, the more I realise that most of everyday interactions with people are made out of generous, polite fictions.
posted by moiraine at 8:52 PM on February 14, 2018 [3 favorites]


I'd say something along the lines of you're pretty raw from just coming out of a divorce and you have a policy of not dating friends or coworkers and she's both. She'll probably bluster that you have it completely wrong and she's not interested in you at all, to save face. Say that you're relieved and at least things won't be awkward and you're happy to have a work friend. Done.
posted by Jubey at 9:00 PM on February 14, 2018 [1 favorite]


I wouldn't make any excuses or accept any blame. This is somebody that is trying to wear you down. Use the creepy text message as a good opportunity, going forward, to act, well, creeped-out and start saying no.
posted by destructive cactus at 11:15 PM on February 14, 2018 [3 favorites]


Is it wrong that I think you should casually namedrop an imaginary new girlfriend? I'm a woman, but in my experience with people like this in the workplace, suggesting I'm seeing someone is the only way our work relationship has continued unscathed. The normal rules of engagement (full honesty) do not apply at work, or when you're working with someone this tonedeaf IMO.
posted by commentaire_moi at 3:34 AM on February 15, 2018 [3 favorites]


I'm not sure why people are advising you lie. Having a girlfriend doesn't matter, that's like saying "not now."

Hints aren't enough. Being passive isn't working. It's ok to use your words and to say "No thanks, I'm not interested in having a romantic relationship with you." It may sound harsh but it's not harsh to be clear. From her perspective, she may be trying to read hints and signals and seeing things that aren't actually there. Being clear is actually very kind.

Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 4:02 AM on February 15, 2018 [5 favorites]


Best answer: I have to agree with queenofbithynia here, on both counts.

This creeptastic Nice Guy behaviour doesn't become OK because it's a woman doing it to a man.

And on no account must you apologize to her for accidentally leading her on. You didn't do any such thing. In the worst case, if this blows up with HR, you don't want to be on record as admitting fault for something that is crystal-clearly NOT your fault.

And also what rada said.

Sorry you've been put in this position. I believe you that you like her as a work-friend and get along well with her in all kinds of ways, even though she has her faults. Unfortunately those faults are overtaking her good points.

Just remember you didn't lead her on, nor did you at any point give any indication you wanted to be more than friends. She will try to argue otherwise to put pressure on you. Don't cave in.
posted by tel3path at 5:08 AM on February 15, 2018 [12 favorites]


“Thanks for the bread bag, that was a very thoughtful gift. Just to be clear I am not interested in a romantic relationship with you.”

You need to be crystal clear. She will survive the rejection.
posted by pintapicasso at 5:09 AM on February 15, 2018 [1 favorite]


I'm less harsh on her than others here because I have been her in a very recent situation and the guy completely humiliated me by turning it all on me (and I believe forwarded my email to others to make himself look good) and he gave me less time than you've given her. I'm still getting over it. Whilst I understand people say not to blame yourself or that you don't owe her anything, you said you gave in to her requests. While she shouldn't have been badgering you (I've never done that, it's not nice behaviour), I don't think you've been very clear. I'm still not clear of your position from your post. Do you want to be outside of work friends or just work friends? I would refrain from doing anything outside of work again. Ignoring is not going to work at all. Don't do that if you value her as a human being. It's very childish, avoidant and she will just keep trying. Say exactly what delight said, word for word. If that was said to me I would never have continued talking to him but he's a little different in that he was being deliberately ambiguous for the sake of flattery.

It's really harsh calling her a creep btw. I wouldn't call a guy like this a creep unless there was inappropriate sexual behaviour or the threat of violence. Not sure if this is the case for you? I wonder if because of her age, background etc. she might not have guy friends so in her head the only reason for a guy to spend time with her outside of work is for romantic reasons?

This is an extremely humiliating experience for the other person btw and while that's not your responsibility, as someone who still feels deeply ashamed whenever she sees the guy, I ask you to be kind.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 5:39 AM on February 15, 2018 [5 favorites]


I'd suggest a sit-down. The old "We need to talk" thing. You can sweeten it by buying her a coffee but you need to make the message clear. No more getting together outside of work, nothing but a work friendship. Even saying things like "I'm not looking for anything more" sounds general in a way that she might think could change at some stage. You can be caring and compassionate about it but make sure it is sinking in. If she tries to push it another time, you want to be able to reference that conversation.
posted by BibiRose at 8:26 AM on February 15, 2018


I'm sorry to deprive you of a friend, but you probably shouldn't be going to dinner and movies with her and helping her with home renovation choices. She might be thinking of these as dates. In her mind, she might be "seeing" you (as in "I'm seeing someone") and that it's just a matter of time before someone makes a move.
posted by Knowyournuts at 9:56 AM on February 15, 2018 [5 favorites]


A few people are suggesting that you use a lot of words. There's a lot of wisdom to the saying "least said, soonest mended." Aim for being clear but succinct.
posted by salvia at 10:46 AM on February 15, 2018 [3 favorites]


If she is a friend, and you want to be kind, then I don't think you should just say 'I'm not interested' straight off the bat, because people react defensively when accused, and you mention you need to work with this person in close proximity. If confronted directly, she will probably deny it anyway, and pretend she didn't like you that way. It's why she gave herself an 'out' by saying 'lol jk.' And If she takes pictures of people to shame them in the restroom, she doesn't sound like a very kind and reasonable person. While it's not your job to manage her hurt feelings, I also think outright rejection it will damage the working relationship and you need to work with this person after all. For your own benefit, I would reject her in a more subtle way, just to maintain workplace peace. So to comments like, "Can we make out then," I'd say something like, "Haha. Never." Or even, "Uhhh.. nope.", hoping she'd get the hint.

If she doesn't get the hint, then something like, "I know you like joking around, but I'm not very flirty and stuff like that makes me uncomfortable." is good. Any continuation at all, I would spell it out firmly, and say, "You're a good friend but I'm just not interested in you romantically." Again, if that's ignored, you have more than enough cause to go to HR about it.

And work on your boundaries. You need to stick firm. You say she wheedles you into doing things with her. Don't let her do this. If you don't want to see her, then don't see her. When she gives you crap about it, like, 'I'd guess you'd rather be doing laundry,' look her straight in the eye and be like, 'yep.' When she says, 'you should get out more,' you say, 'I get out plenty, thanks.' Or, 'nah.' And shut down her flirting; never flirt back. Never be affable about the things she says even out of niceness. Don't text her. Especially late at night. In fact, you shouldn't have given her your number at all, really, (unless you had to for work reasons). While she pressured you; saying yes to hanging out with her, when you mean no, is kind of leading her on. So don't say yes any more. At all. Ever.

And while she is being gross with her comment, this is a good article about what constitutes legal sexual harassment in the workplace. Simply flirting with someone is not harassment necessarily, if the flirting is consensual.

Can you say that it is reasonably clear to her that the advances are unwanted? I think she thinks you have this flirty banter going on, which is why she keeps escalating. After all, you guys are doing one-on-one things together, etc. So withdraw your consent; make it clear. If she pushes past those boundaries then she is harassing you, and then you go to HR about it.
posted by Dimes at 11:12 PM on February 15, 2018 [4 favorites]


Please answer her in writing, where you have a record if needed. She sounds like a bully and a creep and you do NOT want to be falsely accused of harassing HER.
posted by cyndigo at 1:34 PM on February 16, 2018 [1 favorite]


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