Is this an offensive remark?
February 6, 2018 4:02 PM Subscribe
I have a casual friend who asked me about engagement rings, and I showed him the ring I bought, and I also showed him the ring I was thinking of buying. He then said that the ring that I did not buy was better. I kind of felt a little offended by what he said... am I just over thinking or was he being rude about the choice of ring that I bought.
He was being rude. When a friend says, "I have found this piece of jewelry that I or someone dear to me is going to wear for the rest of their life," the response is not supposed to be, "that one over there is nicer."
There will always be a "better" ring by some standards - worth more money, more/larger stones, different metal, more elaborate, less elaborate, whatever. The one you selected is presumably the one that seemed best for you, even if part of that "best" was "this is the one that doesn't put me in debt for three years" - and a friend should be able to be supportive of that.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 4:08 PM on February 6, 2018 [13 favorites]
There will always be a "better" ring by some standards - worth more money, more/larger stones, different metal, more elaborate, less elaborate, whatever. The one you selected is presumably the one that seemed best for you, even if part of that "best" was "this is the one that doesn't put me in debt for three years" - and a friend should be able to be supportive of that.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 4:08 PM on February 6, 2018 [13 favorites]
If he said he liked the other one better, I personally wouldn't be offended because that's just a matter of taste. But if he presented it as the other one was just objectively better somehow, then yeah, kind of tactless. I mean, not in a friendship-ruining kind of way, unless this is just the most recent in a long history of negative comments.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:08 PM on February 6, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:08 PM on February 6, 2018 [10 favorites]
Sure, it's a little rude...but I wouldn't make a big deal about it. As long as your partner likes it, you're fine.
Congratulations!
posted by exceptinsects at 4:08 PM on February 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
Congratulations!
posted by exceptinsects at 4:08 PM on February 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
Sure, it wasn't the most tactful thing to say, but you're not marrying him, right?
posted by btfreek at 4:10 PM on February 6, 2018 [20 favorites]
posted by btfreek at 4:10 PM on February 6, 2018 [20 favorites]
Or maybe he DID mean the other one was just more to his taste, but expressed it awkwardly.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:10 PM on February 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:10 PM on February 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
It depends on the context. Did you ask him what he thought? If so, he sounds as if he was just honest. If the comment just came out of the blue, then it’s not very polite and a ‘miss’ on the social graces. But not something to take up much brain space. Enjoy your ring!
posted by Vaike at 4:10 PM on February 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Vaike at 4:10 PM on February 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
I kind of felt a little offended by what he said... am I just over thinking or was he being rude about the choice of ring that I bought.
You might be overthinking and underfeeling this. Someone who totally-within-bounds-of-politeness expresses that they don't like a thing that you like, when you respect their taste and want their approval? It doesn't have to be rude for it to sting that someone whose opinion you value said they would have made a different choice. But it can hurt and you can still go on to have a perfectly healthy friendship with that person. I have lots of good friends where like--they either actively dislike or just feel very "meh" about my favorite TV shows. I don't like how that feels, but at the end of the day they really don't have anything to apologize for and we're cool.
posted by Sequence at 4:20 PM on February 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
You might be overthinking and underfeeling this. Someone who totally-within-bounds-of-politeness expresses that they don't like a thing that you like, when you respect their taste and want their approval? It doesn't have to be rude for it to sting that someone whose opinion you value said they would have made a different choice. But it can hurt and you can still go on to have a perfectly healthy friendship with that person. I have lots of good friends where like--they either actively dislike or just feel very "meh" about my favorite TV shows. I don't like how that feels, but at the end of the day they really don't have anything to apologize for and we're cool.
posted by Sequence at 4:20 PM on February 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
Since it sounds like he's thinking about buying one, I'm guessing he was in the mode of what he/his SO would prefer and didn't think about how his comment would sound to you. So yes, I'd feel a little offended too but I'd try to forget since I would assume it wasn't meant as an insult to you.
posted by JenMarie at 4:22 PM on February 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by JenMarie at 4:22 PM on February 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
it is pretty rude. he has probably already realized it. it's very likely he will be tormented by the memory of this stupid but harmless thing he said for the rest of his life.
posted by vogon_poet at 4:22 PM on February 6, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by vogon_poet at 4:22 PM on February 6, 2018 [11 favorites]
Yeah, it's rude, but I doubt it was intentionally so. Maybe he is the socially awkward type who tends to say exactly what they are thinking, which can come out quite harsh. I'm sure the ring you chose is beautiful (and the gesture is worth way more than the ring itself anyway!), but if your friend's rude comment bothered you, maybe solicit some advice from some other friends who will have a bit more tact.
posted by AppleTurnover at 4:23 PM on February 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by AppleTurnover at 4:23 PM on February 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
Learning to let this kind of thing roll off your back can make life a lot easier.
Him: "Oh, I like the other one better."
You: "Great, that's the one you should get when you get engaged. I like mine."
Of course, if he what he said was more along the lines of "Ugh, that one is so much worse than the other one, don't you have any taste" you'd be completely justified in giving him an icy "what a good thing I didn't ask for your opinion before acquiring it, then."
posted by Lexica at 4:25 PM on February 6, 2018 [15 favorites]
Him: "Oh, I like the other one better."
You: "Great, that's the one you should get when you get engaged. I like mine."
Of course, if he what he said was more along the lines of "Ugh, that one is so much worse than the other one, don't you have any taste" you'd be completely justified in giving him an icy "what a good thing I didn't ask for your opinion before acquiring it, then."
posted by Lexica at 4:25 PM on February 6, 2018 [15 favorites]
What Lexica said. Totally would've stung me too, but see if you can find the grace to let it go, and mayyyyyybe even the gratitude to appreciate that opportunity. Big hugs!
posted by stray at 4:31 PM on February 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by stray at 4:31 PM on February 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
I would have also been a little hurt, too. But, unless your friend has a history of snarking on you and your choices, I'd chalk this up to cluelessness rather than a deliberate attempt to be rude. Some people have trouble understanding that situations like this one call for support rather than analysis or total honesty.
posted by rpfields at 4:40 PM on February 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by rpfields at 4:40 PM on February 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
Why did you show him the ring you almost bought?
When I show people things I haven't bought, it's wish fulfillment. Even if I couldn't justify the purchase, I still wanted to show other people. Either because it was that beautiful, or it lets me imagine having a stress-free life that would allow me to make ridiculous purchases.
I wouldn't be surprised if he preferred another ring over mine, especially if you didn't get it for cost alone. But I'm wondering if the remark made it feel like he was more interested in the ring than the fact that you've bought one. And you're hurt he didn't make a bigger deal about the thing you're doing.
posted by politikitty at 4:53 PM on February 6, 2018 [6 favorites]
When I show people things I haven't bought, it's wish fulfillment. Even if I couldn't justify the purchase, I still wanted to show other people. Either because it was that beautiful, or it lets me imagine having a stress-free life that would allow me to make ridiculous purchases.
I wouldn't be surprised if he preferred another ring over mine, especially if you didn't get it for cost alone. But I'm wondering if the remark made it feel like he was more interested in the ring than the fact that you've bought one. And you're hurt he didn't make a bigger deal about the thing you're doing.
posted by politikitty at 4:53 PM on February 6, 2018 [6 favorites]
It makes me wonder what the context was that you also showed him the one you didn't pick. It sort of sounds like a situation where he was expected to compare the two. If he had just seen your ring and remarked that he had seen a better one, that would be rude. But to put someone in a position to make a choice between two things and then be upset that they chose the "wrong" one seems like setting someone up for failure. Why offer a comparison at all if there is only one right answer?
posted by Krawczak at 4:57 PM on February 6, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by Krawczak at 4:57 PM on February 6, 2018 [11 favorites]
Once again I implore you to stop asking people for their opinions on things in your life if you don't actually want to hear their opinions.
posted by poffin boffin at 5:00 PM on February 6, 2018 [155 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 5:00 PM on February 6, 2018 [155 favorites]
It was weird of him to say that. It may also have been weird for you to ask his opinion, and it is weird now to dwell on it.
This is also true regarding other matters of taste — mates, food, entertainment, hobbies, clothes, and so on. If this is the same friend who said some woman wasn’t his “type,” ask yourself why his opinion means so much to you. If not, ask yourself why the opinions of awkward, negative people mean so much to you.
posted by armeowda at 5:03 PM on February 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
This is also true regarding other matters of taste — mates, food, entertainment, hobbies, clothes, and so on. If this is the same friend who said some woman wasn’t his “type,” ask yourself why his opinion means so much to you. If not, ask yourself why the opinions of awkward, negative people mean so much to you.
posted by armeowda at 5:03 PM on February 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
Once again I implore you to stop asking people for their opinions on things in your life if you don't actually want to hear their opinions.
Yes. On the surface, absent context, it's not an offensive remark. In some contexts it could be considered rude. Did you ask your friend what they thought? Was your friend asking you because they wanted to buy a ring? Did your friend say they liked the other one better or did your friend say or imply it was objectively better (i.e. making a negative judgment on you)? Were you seeking reassurance from your friend and didn't get it?
It sounds a little like maybe that is what you wanted, without saying so, and then were unhappy that your friend preferred something different? Because, honestly, there's no such thing as an objectively better ring because the ring is a thing between you and your partner and what other people think about it barely matters. And, just warning you that the path to a wedding and marriage is going to go through a LOT more of these "people are being a little odd about my choices" moments and it might be better to sort of learn to reframe these interactions in a way that don't rattle you.
posted by jessamyn at 5:11 PM on February 6, 2018 [7 favorites]
Yes. On the surface, absent context, it's not an offensive remark. In some contexts it could be considered rude. Did you ask your friend what they thought? Was your friend asking you because they wanted to buy a ring? Did your friend say they liked the other one better or did your friend say or imply it was objectively better (i.e. making a negative judgment on you)? Were you seeking reassurance from your friend and didn't get it?
It sounds a little like maybe that is what you wanted, without saying so, and then were unhappy that your friend preferred something different? Because, honestly, there's no such thing as an objectively better ring because the ring is a thing between you and your partner and what other people think about it barely matters. And, just warning you that the path to a wedding and marriage is going to go through a LOT more of these "people are being a little odd about my choices" moments and it might be better to sort of learn to reframe these interactions in a way that don't rattle you.
posted by jessamyn at 5:11 PM on February 6, 2018 [7 favorites]
A casual friend? Casual means (in my mind) that you and he are not close. So he just might not have known what to say, as that is a rather personal thing to share, and so he said something tactless.
I wouldn't place so much weight on the opinion of a casual acquaintance. You asked him what he thought and he told you. Short of his being deliberately snarky when giving it, chalk it up to tactlessness.
posted by Crystal Fox at 5:39 PM on February 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't place so much weight on the opinion of a casual acquaintance. You asked him what he thought and he told you. Short of his being deliberately snarky when giving it, chalk it up to tactlessness.
posted by Crystal Fox at 5:39 PM on February 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
am I just over thinking or was he being rude about the choice of ring that I bought.
You are over-thinking and he wasn't thinking. It sounds like one of those things that pop into your head, slip out of your face, and you don't actually mean it. He could just be some guy with a chronic case of buyer's remorse, and always longs for the choice rejected; so don't take it personally.
Besides, you aren't buying it for him; so it doesn't really matter what he thinks.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 5:59 PM on February 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
You are over-thinking and he wasn't thinking. It sounds like one of those things that pop into your head, slip out of your face, and you don't actually mean it. He could just be some guy with a chronic case of buyer's remorse, and always longs for the choice rejected; so don't take it personally.
Besides, you aren't buying it for him; so it doesn't really matter what he thinks.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 5:59 PM on February 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
Given your long history of both saying things that were misconstrued as offensive and wondering if other people are being offensive, I find it a little astonishing that you won't give other people the benefit of the doubt on this sort of thing. Most people don't go around trying to be offensive most of the time, so what's the point of analyzing these things just to decide if you should be offended?
Being offended is a choice. Deciding to assume the best, most charitable intentions on the part of others is another choice. You'd likely be a lot happier if you chose the latter in all of these situations where you are in doubt.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:56 PM on February 6, 2018 [38 favorites]
Being offended is a choice. Deciding to assume the best, most charitable intentions on the part of others is another choice. You'd likely be a lot happier if you chose the latter in all of these situations where you are in doubt.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:56 PM on February 6, 2018 [38 favorites]
It was rude, but not worth worrying about. Move on.
posted by Toddles at 9:14 PM on February 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 9:14 PM on February 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
He then said that the ring that I did not buy was better. I kind of felt a little offended by what he said... am I just over thinking or was he being rude about the choice of ring that I bought.
Both. Your friend was a boor, but it's nothing worth worrying about. Whether he likes the ring is totally irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that you and your fiance like the ring.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:21 PM on February 6, 2018
Both. Your friend was a boor, but it's nothing worth worrying about. Whether he likes the ring is totally irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that you and your fiance like the ring.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:21 PM on February 6, 2018
I don't know, if someone showed me two rings, I'd assume it was because they wanted me to make a comparison. It sounds like you wanted him to confirm your choice was correct, whereas, he probably thought you just wanted an unbiased opinion - and gave you one, just not the one you wanted! And yes, it was slightly tactless, but you did enquire. I agree with the above poster, if you don't want to hear what people think, probably best not to ask...
posted by Jubey at 1:12 AM on February 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 1:12 AM on February 7, 2018 [5 favorites]
“Better” could have meant “more my style” or “more traditional” or “more unique” or “more expensive” or “less expensive” or “a different stone” or “a different metal” or just about anything. Engagement rings are full of weird baggage: you might want something true to you while simultaneously feeling pressure to have a status symbol. I have a nontraditional, custom-designed ring that I love, but I remember feeling jealous of the coworker who got engaged at about the same time, with a diamond ring in the current popular style, and everyone stopped to admire her ring while ignoring mine. It’s okay to feel conflicted about rings. Also, yes, he was rude.
I’m assuming this is a ring for your fiancée, not one you’re wearing yourself. In which case, what matters most is that your fiancée likes it. If it’s a surprise, there’s a chance that your friend meant “that one is more likely to appeal to your fiancée,” but if she picked it out, that’s irrelevant.
I also get the impression, given your previous “not my type” question, that you’re wrapped up in your relationship as a status marker. It really does not matter how many other guys consider your girlfriend attractive, nor if anyone else is impressed by the ring. Your relationship is for the two of you and no one else. The more you try to measure up, the less you will enjoy it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:03 AM on February 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
I’m assuming this is a ring for your fiancée, not one you’re wearing yourself. In which case, what matters most is that your fiancée likes it. If it’s a surprise, there’s a chance that your friend meant “that one is more likely to appeal to your fiancée,” but if she picked it out, that’s irrelevant.
I also get the impression, given your previous “not my type” question, that you’re wrapped up in your relationship as a status marker. It really does not matter how many other guys consider your girlfriend attractive, nor if anyone else is impressed by the ring. Your relationship is for the two of you and no one else. The more you try to measure up, the less you will enjoy it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:03 AM on February 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
I don't even think this is rude. Not everyone has the same preferences. I mean, if you think it's offensive for someone to like a ring other than what you chose then I guess you think everyone should have the same engagement ring?
posted by Polychrome at 4:12 AM on February 7, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by Polychrome at 4:12 AM on February 7, 2018 [8 favorites]
Speaking as someone who once bought an engagement ring, I can understand why this upset you. Your friend should have kept his mouth shut, unless you asked him for an opinion (which I'm assuming you did not). That said, it's really not worth worrying about or even mentioning again.
posted by breakin' the law at 10:26 AM on February 7, 2018
posted by breakin' the law at 10:26 AM on February 7, 2018
Once again I implore you to stop asking people for their opinions on things in your life if you don't actually want to hear their opinions.
I don't know, if someone showed me two rings, I'd assume it was because they wanted me to make a comparison.
I hate that part of Say Yes to the Dress where the bride-to-be brings all her friends and relatives to the dress shop to help her decide, tries on some monstrosity that makes her look like a burlesque queen, and gets all upset when not everybody loves it. Then she leaves the room and the manager lectures all the friends about how it's the bride's day and she should have whatever she wants and how could they be so insensitive?
I guess that’s the whole show, really. Weddings bring out some strange feelings; I'm sure stress has a lot to do with it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:45 AM on February 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don't know, if someone showed me two rings, I'd assume it was because they wanted me to make a comparison.
I hate that part of Say Yes to the Dress where the bride-to-be brings all her friends and relatives to the dress shop to help her decide, tries on some monstrosity that makes her look like a burlesque queen, and gets all upset when not everybody loves it. Then she leaves the room and the manager lectures all the friends about how it's the bride's day and she should have whatever she wants and how could they be so insensitive?
I guess that’s the whole show, really. Weddings bring out some strange feelings; I'm sure stress has a lot to do with it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:45 AM on February 7, 2018 [1 favorite]
OP, as gently as possible, I think you need to seek some help. Everyday interactions with people are causing you so much worry and distress that they frankly do not merit. I know what it's like to live with anxiety every day, and it's exhausting, and you truly do not have to do this anymore.
All of your previous questions are of the same type as this one you're asking today. It sounds as though you are using AskMe as a crutch and hoping to hear the answer you want so that your anxiety is validated.
Please know that while most people have little fleeting thoughts about these things, for you to be so consumed with them that they occupy this much space in your life is not healthy. Trust me when I say you don't have to live this way.
posted by fiercecupcake at 11:13 AM on February 7, 2018 [17 favorites]
All of your previous questions are of the same type as this one you're asking today. It sounds as though you are using AskMe as a crutch and hoping to hear the answer you want so that your anxiety is validated.
Please know that while most people have little fleeting thoughts about these things, for you to be so consumed with them that they occupy this much space in your life is not healthy. Trust me when I say you don't have to live this way.
posted by fiercecupcake at 11:13 AM on February 7, 2018 [17 favorites]
I think it's tactless, but not deliberately rude. If you show people a list of similar things they will often automatically tell you their favorite, without even thinking.
posted by w0mbat at 11:55 AM on February 7, 2018
posted by w0mbat at 11:55 AM on February 7, 2018
This is a trivial slight. Trivial, and likely entirely unintentional. This is well within the range of accidental frictions caused by humans inhabiting social spaces together. It's offensive if you choose to be offended by it, but you can equally choose to let it go and that would be just as righteous.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:24 PM on February 7, 2018
posted by DarlingBri at 2:24 PM on February 7, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by artdrectr at 4:07 PM on February 6, 2018 [11 favorites]