Should my son repeat Kindergarten?
January 29, 2018 12:23 AM Subscribe
We are taking our son out of private school to put him in public school. The issue is that my son was born in late September. The cutoff for the private school is Oct 30, but it is Sep 1 for public school. So right now we have the option of either trying to get him into 1st grade at public school, or just have him repeat K. What are some pros and cons for each?
My son is currently in Kindergarten at a very academically demanding private christian school. We are now realizing that this school is not a very good fit for our family. My son is by all accounts just an average student there--but he seems happy enough with the school. But because the school is so academically challenging it is making us, his parents, miserable, as we try to keep him abreast of all his homework and tests. So we are probably going to take him out of the private school for next academic year and put him in public school. The issue is that my son was born in late September. The cutoff for the private school is Oct 30, but it is Sep 1 for public school. So right now we have the option of either trying to get him into 1st grade at public school, or just have him repeat K. What are some pros and cons for each?
If we just push him forward into 1st grade, then he will probably be one of the--if not youngest--kids in the class. So we are not sure how detrimental that will be to him. What are the drawbacks for repeating K? I’m afraid it will just be a lost year for him. To be clear, his current K teacher is not recommending he be held back to repeat K again nor has he shown any signs that he would not be successful in 1st grade.
We’ve also seen some of the literature on redshirting. But we are not sure how well some of that applies when our son will have already taken K. Though I think there are other advantages to being one of the slightly older kids in terms of perhaps having more confidence and maturity.
My wife and I are of two different minds on this. She is leaning towards having our son repeat K. I think he will do fine going into 1st. So we aren't sure which option is best for him, especially beyond just 1st grade.
My son is currently in Kindergarten at a very academically demanding private christian school. We are now realizing that this school is not a very good fit for our family. My son is by all accounts just an average student there--but he seems happy enough with the school. But because the school is so academically challenging it is making us, his parents, miserable, as we try to keep him abreast of all his homework and tests. So we are probably going to take him out of the private school for next academic year and put him in public school. The issue is that my son was born in late September. The cutoff for the private school is Oct 30, but it is Sep 1 for public school. So right now we have the option of either trying to get him into 1st grade at public school, or just have him repeat K. What are some pros and cons for each?
If we just push him forward into 1st grade, then he will probably be one of the--if not youngest--kids in the class. So we are not sure how detrimental that will be to him. What are the drawbacks for repeating K? I’m afraid it will just be a lost year for him. To be clear, his current K teacher is not recommending he be held back to repeat K again nor has he shown any signs that he would not be successful in 1st grade.
We’ve also seen some of the literature on redshirting. But we are not sure how well some of that applies when our son will have already taken K. Though I think there are other advantages to being one of the slightly older kids in terms of perhaps having more confidence and maturity.
My wife and I are of two different minds on this. She is leaning towards having our son repeat K. I think he will do fine going into 1st. So we aren't sure which option is best for him, especially beyond just 1st grade.
I don't think it makes a huge difference in terms of how your son will be treated by peers. My sister skipped a grade and was no worse for the wear socially as best I could tell. That said, though she skipped a grade, my parents refused to let me despite a strong recommendation from my teachers, so there must have been something that they felt wasn't good about being the youngest in a class. Can't tell you what it was since I can't ask them and I long ago forgot whatever reasons they thought age appropriate to tell me at the time.
What I can say is that if your kid is the sort to get bored with things, repeating a grade is setting him up for disaster. Many kids find it difficult to focus when they aren't being challenged academically. That can lead to behavioral issues and the development of bad habits if you aren't careful. My problem was that classwork never took me even a quarter of the allotted time, so I'd get really bored and end up acting out. It also meant that I never learned how to make myself do homework, which became a problem in middle school once there ceased to be sufficient time to complete the assignments at school. Still managed a decent GPA, but only because I tested well enough to offset the chronically incomplete/unfinished homework.
I'd like to think that schools are better equipped to deal with outliers these days, but everything I've heard tells me otherwise.
posted by wierdo at 1:03 AM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
What I can say is that if your kid is the sort to get bored with things, repeating a grade is setting him up for disaster. Many kids find it difficult to focus when they aren't being challenged academically. That can lead to behavioral issues and the development of bad habits if you aren't careful. My problem was that classwork never took me even a quarter of the allotted time, so I'd get really bored and end up acting out. It also meant that I never learned how to make myself do homework, which became a problem in middle school once there ceased to be sufficient time to complete the assignments at school. Still managed a decent GPA, but only because I tested well enough to offset the chronically incomplete/unfinished homework.
I'd like to think that schools are better equipped to deal with outliers these days, but everything I've heard tells me otherwise.
posted by wierdo at 1:03 AM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
You may not even have a choice in this. In my school district, the child must complete two full years in the higher grade in order to be allowed to transfer in to the higher grade. So if you were here, you would not have this choice until the start of second grade.
That said, I know two families that have had to decide whether they should hold back their kids (both in preschool, one was an age thing). It’s been a few years since the decisions were made and neither one regrets holding their kid back.
Kindergarten is really not about the school work. It’s about learning to follow the rules of the classroom. It’s about learning the social rules of peer interaction. You know your child best- would he benefit from another year of just being a kid and nailing down those soft skills?
posted by PorcineWithMe at 1:14 AM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
That said, I know two families that have had to decide whether they should hold back their kids (both in preschool, one was an age thing). It’s been a few years since the decisions were made and neither one regrets holding their kid back.
Kindergarten is really not about the school work. It’s about learning to follow the rules of the classroom. It’s about learning the social rules of peer interaction. You know your child best- would he benefit from another year of just being a kid and nailing down those soft skills?
posted by PorcineWithMe at 1:14 AM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
I went from a small, private Christian School to a medium-sized public school in Grade 4. It was one hell of a culture shock! If it had happened after Kindergarten, which is really about learning how to go to school and be a student, I think my parents would have been justified in having me do a year of public K to adjust. (I'm also a September baby; I started kindergarten on my 5th birthday.)
OTOH, I was doing at least 6th grade work in every subject, and tested at H.S. level for some, so I was bored out of my tree for years.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:31 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
OTOH, I was doing at least 6th grade work in every subject, and tested at H.S. level for some, so I was bored out of my tree for years.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:31 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
In my school district, the child must complete two full years in the higher grade in order to be allowed to transfer in to the higher grade.
Not sure what that means, did you mean that the child has to complete two full years of elementary school before they can skip a grade? Or something else?
posted by M. at 1:33 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Not sure what that means, did you mean that the child has to complete two full years of elementary school before they can skip a grade? Or something else?
posted by M. at 1:33 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I agree that kindergarten should be mostly about soft skills, motor skills, creativity and so on, so repeating it can have plenty of value. That said, you mention homework and tests (!) so it does seem worth considering what the curriculum is for both kindergarten and first grade at the new school, and whether he'd be in danger of just repeating the same material for a few years and getting used to not being challenged. (That wouldn't necessarily mean you shouldn't still place him in kindergarten, but might mean supplementing with some additional enrichment after school - and again, kindergarten includes all kinds of challenges, not just academic.)
A further thing to think about, though, might be what kind of personal role you want to take in his academic life over the next however many years. My own opinion is that parents should be offering minimal help with their kids' schoolwork by default (unless the kids are really struggling, which is a different story). A lot of parents disagree and talk positively about spending hours daily with their kids on homework. Still, if your son is at a stage where he needs your help to keep up in kindergarten (which is no reflection on your son but on the insanity that is demanding regimented development at a young age, imo) then letting him repeat kindergarten might be less a question of letting him go (relatively) unchallenged but more a question of getting him into a place where he can handle what is expected of him mostly on his own, and where you can reset to letting schoolwork be "his" work and not something that requires default participation on your part.
posted by trig at 1:48 AM on January 29, 2018 [12 favorites]
A further thing to think about, though, might be what kind of personal role you want to take in his academic life over the next however many years. My own opinion is that parents should be offering minimal help with their kids' schoolwork by default (unless the kids are really struggling, which is a different story). A lot of parents disagree and talk positively about spending hours daily with their kids on homework. Still, if your son is at a stage where he needs your help to keep up in kindergarten (which is no reflection on your son but on the insanity that is demanding regimented development at a young age, imo) then letting him repeat kindergarten might be less a question of letting him go (relatively) unchallenged but more a question of getting him into a place where he can handle what is expected of him mostly on his own, and where you can reset to letting schoolwork be "his" work and not something that requires default participation on your part.
posted by trig at 1:48 AM on January 29, 2018 [12 favorites]
There's been some research done on the effects of being the oldest/youngest in a grade that you might find interesting
posted by CarolynG at 2:03 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by CarolynG at 2:03 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Have you checked with the school district to ensure they would let your kid go into first grade? Some districts hold a very hard line on birthdates and it is possible they won't allow him to go anywhere but Kindergarten. Another factor to consider is a school district is far more likely to allow a bright kid to skip a grade rather than retain a kid who's struggling. As a teacher, I don't know of ANY districts that allow kids to be retained and instead promote them and will put kids on IEPs for support.
Something else to think about is if he does go into first grade, even without red-shirting he would be the youngest kid by a long shot. Throw red-shirting into the mix and your kid could be potentially up to two years younger than his classmates.
That may not be an issue now but it can certainly become problematic during adolescence when kids begin to develop sexually and want to explore dating and your kid still wants to play Pokemon and thinks it's all gross. Also bear in mind that teachers in general teach to the middle, so your kid could be academically lost down the line with little support.
I'm not a fan of red-shirting, but if it's part of your school culture, it should factor in your decision. Chances are, even if you hold him back, he still will not be the youngest boy in the class.
This is tough because there's no clear cut answer right now, but as a veteran high school teacher, I can always pick out the much younger boys in classes because they have a tendency to struggle socially and are far less mature emotionally than their classmates.
I would hold him back.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:34 AM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Something else to think about is if he does go into first grade, even without red-shirting he would be the youngest kid by a long shot. Throw red-shirting into the mix and your kid could be potentially up to two years younger than his classmates.
That may not be an issue now but it can certainly become problematic during adolescence when kids begin to develop sexually and want to explore dating and your kid still wants to play Pokemon and thinks it's all gross. Also bear in mind that teachers in general teach to the middle, so your kid could be academically lost down the line with little support.
I'm not a fan of red-shirting, but if it's part of your school culture, it should factor in your decision. Chances are, even if you hold him back, he still will not be the youngest boy in the class.
This is tough because there's no clear cut answer right now, but as a veteran high school teacher, I can always pick out the much younger boys in classes because they have a tendency to struggle socially and are far less mature emotionally than their classmates.
I would hold him back.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:34 AM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
In my state the dates are similar. They would make him go to K. The only way to keep him in the grade you want would be to stay at the private school another year.
If you’re worried about a repeat of K being interesting for him, see (private testing, if allowed) he is suited for gifted public K?
We debated this for our late cutoff baby and ultimate forewent two years of private school. Kid is oldest in their grade, but challenged in gifted curriculum (in a good way).
posted by tilde at 3:21 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
If you’re worried about a repeat of K being interesting for him, see (private testing, if allowed) he is suited for gifted public K?
We debated this for our late cutoff baby and ultimate forewent two years of private school. Kid is oldest in their grade, but challenged in gifted curriculum (in a good way).
posted by tilde at 3:21 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Agree with brainmouse and others - don't base the decision on academics but on social developement and physical development. Think a few years ahead: if he is the youngest in his class, in all likelyhood he will enter pubertly later than the rest of his class. My brother (now adult and mostly over it) struggled with this a lot as a teenager and even i his early 20s - he started first grade a year younger than the rest of his class and by the time he was 12 it became a problem for him (think physical strength, interest in games kids a year older might already find childish and moch him for that, competitions in PE, stamina but also body hair, physical development etc).
My son is born the end of October, and our system would have permitted for us to enrol him in 1st grade, he would have been the youngest. Academically he would have been fine for sure. But his was (and is) skinny and not that strong physically and also more important perhaps his social skills were not there quite yet. This may be because in our system in kindergarten a lot of the structure is quite geared toward younger kids - eg meat is pre-cut at the kindergarten lunch, a kindergarten teacher will see that there is no mess in the toilet or help with wiping, and dressing etc. None of this in 1st grade, the teachers in our system expect the child to self manage (and rightly so, I was actually disappointed in the kindergarten keeing them so dependent).
Anyway, we let him start first grade later, he was just a month shy of 7th birthday and have no regrets at all. in fact the majority of his class are the same age, with only few exceptions and I can see that boy who is almost a whole year younger than most of his peers struggle (not academically so much but socially and with stamina and with being a head shorter than the others.
This past November his teacher suggested letting our son skip a year, from 3rd to 5th but we decided against it. Academically yes, there is issue of occasional boredeom but socially I don't think he is ready at all to join 5th graders (may also be a cultural thing?) as where we live they all have smart phones and from what I see form a friend with a boy in 5th grade the biggest issue is internet use, whats app, mobbing etc. No way I want him to go there from sheltered 3rd grade. He still loves Lego for example, which where we live no 5th grader would touch.
I realise this is a more future perspective, but I believe well worth considering. Leave him in K another year - perhaps at a different school if your system permits?
posted by 15L06 at 3:36 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
My son is born the end of October, and our system would have permitted for us to enrol him in 1st grade, he would have been the youngest. Academically he would have been fine for sure. But his was (and is) skinny and not that strong physically and also more important perhaps his social skills were not there quite yet. This may be because in our system in kindergarten a lot of the structure is quite geared toward younger kids - eg meat is pre-cut at the kindergarten lunch, a kindergarten teacher will see that there is no mess in the toilet or help with wiping, and dressing etc. None of this in 1st grade, the teachers in our system expect the child to self manage (and rightly so, I was actually disappointed in the kindergarten keeing them so dependent).
Anyway, we let him start first grade later, he was just a month shy of 7th birthday and have no regrets at all. in fact the majority of his class are the same age, with only few exceptions and I can see that boy who is almost a whole year younger than most of his peers struggle (not academically so much but socially and with stamina and with being a head shorter than the others.
This past November his teacher suggested letting our son skip a year, from 3rd to 5th but we decided against it. Academically yes, there is issue of occasional boredeom but socially I don't think he is ready at all to join 5th graders (may also be a cultural thing?) as where we live they all have smart phones and from what I see form a friend with a boy in 5th grade the biggest issue is internet use, whats app, mobbing etc. No way I want him to go there from sheltered 3rd grade. He still loves Lego for example, which where we live no 5th grader would touch.
I realise this is a more future perspective, but I believe well worth considering. Leave him in K another year - perhaps at a different school if your system permits?
posted by 15L06 at 3:36 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
My kid has a July birthday, which in my district is close to the cut-off. We decided to not red shirt and send him to K "on time". He's doing ok but is definitely identifiable as younger than his peers. His extended care teachers pulled me aside one day and asked when his birthday is because he is noticeably less mature than the other kids. He's also a lot smaller (he's just small, period, but being the youngest doesn't help). The biggest thing he struggles with is impulse control. Whenever he gets in trouble, it's basically for being five.
I hear you on wanting him to be challenged academically (if not pushed quite so hard as his former school). I really think you should try to talk with someone at the public school and see to what degree they differentiate curriculum in K. If they can assure you that he'd be able to receive instruction that meets his needs academically, I'd start him back in K.
posted by soren_lorensen at 3:42 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I hear you on wanting him to be challenged academically (if not pushed quite so hard as his former school). I really think you should try to talk with someone at the public school and see to what degree they differentiate curriculum in K. If they can assure you that he'd be able to receive instruction that meets his needs academically, I'd start him back in K.
posted by soren_lorensen at 3:42 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
How kids do socially seems to be the most important factor whether they are successful and happy. A child that is a little older will be better socially in school.
Teacher can't help but give special attention to the perceived bright kids.
It doesn't even feel fair how much better they do, but it is how it is.
Sports? He may be the smallest and least coordinated due to being the youngest. My kid got discouraged and doesn't want to do any sports because of the bigger "better" kids. He's missing out on a big social aspect of school.
If he doesn't meet the cut off, don't do it.
I feel like you are putting him at a distinct disadvantage.
posted by beccaj at 3:46 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Teacher can't help but give special attention to the perceived bright kids.
It doesn't even feel fair how much better they do, but it is how it is.
Sports? He may be the smallest and least coordinated due to being the youngest. My kid got discouraged and doesn't want to do any sports because of the bigger "better" kids. He's missing out on a big social aspect of school.
If he doesn't meet the cut off, don't do it.
I feel like you are putting him at a distinct disadvantage.
posted by beccaj at 3:46 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I haven't seen this mentioned yet. Another big consideration is your public school. Our local public school has many, many kids held back or redshirted, especially boys. This means that a child with a September birthday would be not only 1 year but 1 1/2 years younger than many peers and often the youngest in a classroom by 6 months except by a handful of girls. If this is the case at your local school then another year of kindergarten would be my choice. Also, agree with above posters that the school is not going to allow 1st grade for a 6 year birthday after September 1 without some rigorous testing. I am a parent of two teens. My partner and I had late birthdays but so did many others when we were in school - it is different now so our experiences are not relevant.
posted by RoadScholar at 3:58 AM on January 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by RoadScholar at 3:58 AM on January 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
A lot depends on the curriculum, teachers, and culture of each school, which the internet can't determine. See if you can talk to the teachers about what they think the year would look like. Personally, I agree with those saying that social, emotional, and I would say learning-through-play skills are going to be developed around that age, as well as just learning how to be in school. I hear that you want him to excel, and that's wonderful. I think a heavy focus in academics may not really be developmentally appropriate for every kid at that age. It's really not unusual for that age to repeat K.
Also, I've taught combined-grade classes, and found that the year-ahead kids got a lot of value and extra understanding by helping the younger kids with their work, so that could be a great learning experience for him as well. My instinct from what you've told us would be to hold him at K, but you two know your boy, and it really depends on the individual classrooms.
posted by transient at 4:16 AM on January 29, 2018
Also, I've taught combined-grade classes, and found that the year-ahead kids got a lot of value and extra understanding by helping the younger kids with their work, so that could be a great learning experience for him as well. My instinct from what you've told us would be to hold him at K, but you two know your boy, and it really depends on the individual classrooms.
posted by transient at 4:16 AM on January 29, 2018
I haven't read all the comments here so this may be a duplicate but their is a Light's retention scale that covers grade repeating. I found it very thorough when I used for my own kid. It was recommended by our school counselor.
posted by aetg at 4:18 AM on January 29, 2018
posted by aetg at 4:18 AM on January 29, 2018
I started kindergarten a year "early". I missed the cut-off by about a month, but the school district would take you if you passed whatever developmental testing (which was not done privately--the school district had an official day for such things; I was not the only kid). This was of virtually no consequence. At my school, your turn for driver's ed came the semester you turned 16, so I took driver's ed with kids a year behind me. That's about it. It was a bit weird to go to college in California, where the cut-off when I was a kid was December, so there were suddenly tons of people younger than me, instead of two or three.
In high school, all my classes except English were with grades ahead of me.* This started when I took ninth grade social studies in eighth grade, over the objections of the junior high principal, who said I would "irreparable social harm". Given that having vaguely appropriate classes was the only thing that got me through high school, I'm not particularly sympathetic to people making the same argument about your son's high school experience.
*I probably would have skipped eighth grade, except the high school (which was a different district) wouldn't take you until you either turned 15 or finished eighth grade. So the fact I turned 13 at the start of eighth grade was a problem, but being in the "right" year and turning 14 wouldn't have solved that problem.
posted by hoyland at 4:21 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
In high school, all my classes except English were with grades ahead of me.* This started when I took ninth grade social studies in eighth grade, over the objections of the junior high principal, who said I would "irreparable social harm". Given that having vaguely appropriate classes was the only thing that got me through high school, I'm not particularly sympathetic to people making the same argument about your son's high school experience.
*I probably would have skipped eighth grade, except the high school (which was a different district) wouldn't take you until you either turned 15 or finished eighth grade. So the fact I turned 13 at the start of eighth grade was a problem, but being in the "right" year and turning 14 wouldn't have solved that problem.
posted by hoyland at 4:21 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
I suppose I should add, lest someone argue that delaying driver's ed risked irreparable social harm, that many kids took driver's ed privately (it was that sort of district), meaning that taking it at school meant you were learning to drive on the later side of things anyway. People with summer birthdays would also end up in driver's ed junior year, depending on how the numbers worked out. This was more a "well that sucks for you" thing than a blow to your social standing.
posted by hoyland at 4:26 AM on January 29, 2018
posted by hoyland at 4:26 AM on January 29, 2018
For whatever it's worth - my parents made me repeat nursery school because I was too young for kindergarten at the school they wanted to transfer me to. Even after repeating that grade, I was still usually the youngest kid in my class for the rest of my academic career. This was fine, never led to any particular discomfort, I've just always had a lot of friends who are ~6mo-1yr older than me. And I had one friend who was even younger, 2ish years younger than most of his classmates, and he was fine too.
(I always wished my parents hadn't made me repeat nursery school, personally. It always seemed wasteful to me, and I think I would've been fine being even younger for my grade than I already was.)
posted by 168 at 4:44 AM on January 29, 2018
(I always wished my parents hadn't made me repeat nursery school, personally. It always seemed wasteful to me, and I think I would've been fine being even younger for my grade than I already was.)
posted by 168 at 4:44 AM on January 29, 2018
Something else to think about is if he does go into first grade, even without red-shirting he would be the youngest kid by a long shot. Throw red-shirting into the mix and your kid could be potentially up to two years younger than his classmates.
Sorry, I always get the math wrong on this. If it's a school where lots of kids are red-shirted, then he'll be the same age as others if you have him repeat Kindergarten.
If kids are NOT generally red-shirted, then he'll be way on the younger end. But again, check with your district--you may not be allowed to put him in first grade.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:10 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Sorry, I always get the math wrong on this. If it's a school where lots of kids are red-shirted, then he'll be the same age as others if you have him repeat Kindergarten.
If kids are NOT generally red-shirted, then he'll be way on the younger end. But again, check with your district--you may not be allowed to put him in first grade.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:10 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I started kindergarten a year early (Oct birthday) and turned out fine, FWIW. If my kid was near the cutoff and academically and socially ready, then I would send them without hesitation
posted by chrisamiller at 5:15 AM on January 29, 2018
posted by chrisamiller at 5:15 AM on January 29, 2018
I would talk to your school district. My child has an on-the-cusp birthday (as do both his parents; I ended up skipping kindergarten and my husband ended up staying back, both turning out okay), and we talked to the teachers a bit to figure out what made the most sense for our particular district. The teachers assured me he'd be fine.
We found that in our school district, enough kids got red-shirted that he was the youngest by several months, and this made some social stuff difficult, which was the experience I also had growing up as the baby of the class. Based on my particular kid, I'd probably redshirt if I had it to do over again, but if your child is enjoying school and keeping up, I'd see if it's possible for him to go into first grade.
posted by tchemgrrl at 5:44 AM on January 29, 2018
We found that in our school district, enough kids got red-shirted that he was the youngest by several months, and this made some social stuff difficult, which was the experience I also had growing up as the baby of the class. Based on my particular kid, I'd probably redshirt if I had it to do over again, but if your child is enjoying school and keeping up, I'd see if it's possible for him to go into first grade.
posted by tchemgrrl at 5:44 AM on January 29, 2018
I haven't read all the previous comments but I would definitely think about social/physical development. I could read very well by kindergarten age, so I was skipped a grade, and you know, I was always behind socially in every way, up until high school. I was fine, and academically it was not a problem at all, but it would have been fine or even better academically if I'd waited. (I probably needed more time on math!). I can't say it would necessarily have been better if I'd stayed with my peers, but I suspect that year behind was why I was always so behind my peers physically and socially (esp. in high school, when I was still 14 when some of my friends were on the cusp of 16 -- a huge difference.)
So just from personal experience, I would wait.
Also, so much research shows that academics at this age are pretty nonsense. In lots of countries like Finland nothing academic (including reading) even starts until 7 and the kids do brilliantly. A lot of creative time and thinking is lost by pushing academics too hard,, so it would be lovely for him (in my opinion at least) to have more free playtime. But of course, YMMV -- go with your gut!
posted by caoimhe at 6:10 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
So just from personal experience, I would wait.
Also, so much research shows that academics at this age are pretty nonsense. In lots of countries like Finland nothing academic (including reading) even starts until 7 and the kids do brilliantly. A lot of creative time and thinking is lost by pushing academics too hard,, so it would be lovely for him (in my opinion at least) to have more free playtime. But of course, YMMV -- go with your gut!
posted by caoimhe at 6:10 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Personal experience: We had our son repeat kindergarten at the suggestion of the school and teachers, and he resented it for years. It was not worth it. He is bright, is now an accountant with a large company, went to a good college, but was just a bit behind some other kids in kindergarten. He is quiet and sensitive, and we did not know until he told us years later how much he resented repeating kindergarten and not staying with his class.
posted by mermayd at 6:29 AM on January 29, 2018
posted by mermayd at 6:29 AM on January 29, 2018
Send him to K! It's not even a close call for me. That's the right class for him agewise, and you've already realized that pushing academics is not the right mode for your family.
posted by yarly at 6:30 AM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by yarly at 6:30 AM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
One more point, relating to mermyd's comment. I never would suggest this if he were going to the same school as before (as it sounds like mermyd's son did?) It would be too painful. But a different school? He would never know the difference.
posted by caoimhe at 6:43 AM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by caoimhe at 6:43 AM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
Completely agree with RoadScholar -- the distribution of boys' ages in the class he will be in at the public school should guide your decision. In my area virtually all summer-born boys are held back. My son was the youngest boy in his elementary school class and his birthday is in May.
posted by apparently at 6:51 AM on January 29, 2018
posted by apparently at 6:51 AM on January 29, 2018
With respect to being the youngest in the class - it doesn't matter a lot. There will always be a youngest kid in the class and an oldest.
Size doesn't matter a lot. There will always be a shortest and a tallest kid in the class.
Academics don't really matter a whole lot either as 1st grade repeats a lot of K academics.
Social skills matter. Does he share? Does he communicate appropriately? Does he have accidents? Is he comfortable with a new group of kids? Is he anxious? All those things, in my mind, weigh more than age or academics.
posted by plinth at 7:16 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Size doesn't matter a lot. There will always be a shortest and a tallest kid in the class.
Academics don't really matter a whole lot either as 1st grade repeats a lot of K academics.
Social skills matter. Does he share? Does he communicate appropriately? Does he have accidents? Is he comfortable with a new group of kids? Is he anxious? All those things, in my mind, weigh more than age or academics.
posted by plinth at 7:16 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
My son, 12yo, is currently, I believe, the youngest kid in his grade and because of the mixed grade arrangement of his school, he's in class with a number of 15 year-olds. It has its benefits and drawbacks. My short response is that for my kid, I wished we'd had him repeat a year in PK/K. Especially because his class was mixed grade to begin with, there was no stigma in being in the same classroom "another year."
Longer answer...
The benefits are that as a bright and extroverted kid, he is very engaged with academic material and likes being challenged in a non-standardized way, so being the youngest has been a kind of personal badge that he can handle the work of an older kid. He's also pretty responsible (which is very hard to gauge for a Kindergartner) and gains a lot of confidence by having some autonomy that other kids his age don't necessarily have. He's also a good ambassador between grades because his personal interests and activities can still run a little young compared to his academic grade peers. So his friendships with older kids initiate because of classroom groupings, but he also seeks out friendships with younger kids. So he quickly has a broad social base.
The drawbacks are ALL around emotional development, and I would argue that for a boy it can be a double whammy to be the youngest peer while also being socialized to be emotionally immature and privileged (by US culture/media/etc.). He is currently thrust into all sorts of teen dynamics and situations like puberty, romantic alliances, friends experimenting with stuff (even just run of the mill 'rebellious' stuff), media that's too scary (by his own reporting), sexy, and violent, etc., when he's hanging out with friends. And he just does not have as many internal resources or emotional boundaries yet to navigate a way through those without A LOT of energy. He takes a lot in emotionally and gets fatigued juggling it at school as a normal currency of friendships, and then really needs to shed it when he comes home. I gave him a phone this year for logistical reasons, but that has also served to keep the emotional sauce on a constant simmer all evening, so I'm having to help him build good "attention hygiene" habits, too. His "real age" peers in the lower grade aren't dealing with this stuff yet, nor do many of them have phones that stretch any school drama into the rest of the day.
posted by cocoagirl at 7:55 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Longer answer...
The benefits are that as a bright and extroverted kid, he is very engaged with academic material and likes being challenged in a non-standardized way, so being the youngest has been a kind of personal badge that he can handle the work of an older kid. He's also pretty responsible (which is very hard to gauge for a Kindergartner) and gains a lot of confidence by having some autonomy that other kids his age don't necessarily have. He's also a good ambassador between grades because his personal interests and activities can still run a little young compared to his academic grade peers. So his friendships with older kids initiate because of classroom groupings, but he also seeks out friendships with younger kids. So he quickly has a broad social base.
The drawbacks are ALL around emotional development, and I would argue that for a boy it can be a double whammy to be the youngest peer while also being socialized to be emotionally immature and privileged (by US culture/media/etc.). He is currently thrust into all sorts of teen dynamics and situations like puberty, romantic alliances, friends experimenting with stuff (even just run of the mill 'rebellious' stuff), media that's too scary (by his own reporting), sexy, and violent, etc., when he's hanging out with friends. And he just does not have as many internal resources or emotional boundaries yet to navigate a way through those without A LOT of energy. He takes a lot in emotionally and gets fatigued juggling it at school as a normal currency of friendships, and then really needs to shed it when he comes home. I gave him a phone this year for logistical reasons, but that has also served to keep the emotional sauce on a constant simmer all evening, so I'm having to help him build good "attention hygiene" habits, too. His "real age" peers in the lower grade aren't dealing with this stuff yet, nor do many of them have phones that stretch any school drama into the rest of the day.
posted by cocoagirl at 7:55 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
As someone who completed kindergarten twice, I wouldn't recommend it. The rationale may have made sense at the time, but what it led to later on in my life was greater maturity than my peers, especially in middle and high school, that it was frustrating to find my place. It led to starting college a year later, which led to higher costs of college with 3% hikes in tuition every year. It led to a year I could have been employed full time earlier, which would have put me in a better position financially during the '08 recession that instead didn't.
Longterm over the span of my life, I have not experienced any tangible benefits when I reflect on it. YMMV.
posted by zizzle at 8:30 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Longterm over the span of my life, I have not experienced any tangible benefits when I reflect on it. YMMV.
posted by zizzle at 8:30 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I was held back in kindergarten and there's no way to really know how things would have turned out otherwise, but in my case, the problem was that my parents treated the decision as something shameful. I specifically remember playing a game of elementary school soccer against older students and saying, "I am older, I should have been able to keep up!" and my mom pulled me aside and told me never to tell people that same thing again. So I felt shame. It wasn't until I was an adult that I learned that almost all of my cousins also took kindergarten twice, and that would have been a good, normalizing thing to know. My mom also told me the story about how she made the decision to hold back because the teacher asked her to observe me in class and I guess I struggled with cutting a perfect circle out of construction paper and that's a lousy thing to tell someone at any age, to frame that kind of decision as a problem with their intelligence or ability.
Which is all to say, I don't think it matters too much about which decision that you make, but, like a lot of things in life, it's all about how you frame it. I also hope that people are a lot more conscious about this being a pretty normal kind of decision in the late 2010s than they were in the 1980s.
I suppose if I had to extrapolate, I was always on the border of being one of the gifted kids and being one of the lost-in-the-crowd kids in later grades and the times when I wasn't in accelerated/challenging coursework, things just got much worse because of boredom. The public schools that I went to had very good teachers in accelerated courses and were basically babysitting kids in normal classes. So, I would also say that keeping your kid engaged/associated with the higher quality side of public school - Talented and Gifted, AP, International Baccalaureate - is very preferable because the quality shift can be dramatic and awful. If an extra year of kindergarten kept me from falling off that cliff into the obscurity of sub-par warm-body teaching, then it was a very good thing.
posted by Skwirl at 10:18 AM on January 29, 2018
Which is all to say, I don't think it matters too much about which decision that you make, but, like a lot of things in life, it's all about how you frame it. I also hope that people are a lot more conscious about this being a pretty normal kind of decision in the late 2010s than they were in the 1980s.
I suppose if I had to extrapolate, I was always on the border of being one of the gifted kids and being one of the lost-in-the-crowd kids in later grades and the times when I wasn't in accelerated/challenging coursework, things just got much worse because of boredom. The public schools that I went to had very good teachers in accelerated courses and were basically babysitting kids in normal classes. So, I would also say that keeping your kid engaged/associated with the higher quality side of public school - Talented and Gifted, AP, International Baccalaureate - is very preferable because the quality shift can be dramatic and awful. If an extra year of kindergarten kept me from falling off that cliff into the obscurity of sub-par warm-body teaching, then it was a very good thing.
posted by Skwirl at 10:18 AM on January 29, 2018
I attended a session recently with a panel of Kindergarten teachers and they said that they have never heard parents regret holding their children back, whereas they frequently heard from parents who wished they had not started their children early.
posted by kittydelsol at 10:42 AM on January 29, 2018
posted by kittydelsol at 10:42 AM on January 29, 2018
We decided to not red shirt and send him to K "on time". He's doing ok but is definitely identifiable as younger than his peers.
I had the opposite problem. Even though I was younger than most of my classmates, I was taller and more mature-looking, and academically ahead. As a result, people tended to assume I was an older child who got “left back” and treat me like I was backward. Skipping a grade would have solved a lot of problems for me, but all the schools I attended were *fiercely* philosophically opposed to grade-skipping under any circumstances. One principal said, “She wouldn't have anything in common with children a year older,” as if I had SO MUCH in common with my current classmates.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:01 AM on January 29, 2018
I had the opposite problem. Even though I was younger than most of my classmates, I was taller and more mature-looking, and academically ahead. As a result, people tended to assume I was an older child who got “left back” and treat me like I was backward. Skipping a grade would have solved a lot of problems for me, but all the schools I attended were *fiercely* philosophically opposed to grade-skipping under any circumstances. One principal said, “She wouldn't have anything in common with children a year older,” as if I had SO MUCH in common with my current classmates.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:01 AM on January 29, 2018
The good news is that neither choice is likely to be disastrous and both choices have something in their favor, so while you should try to pick the better option, don't beat yourself up too much. You don't know what the future holds.
How is he physically? I've heard that boys have a tougher time being the youngest because of how boys tend to play, but every kid is different.
How is he socially? Is he friendly?
If he's short and introverted, I'd probably put him in kindergarten again.
If not, I'd lean towards putting him into first grade. There are a whole bunch of kids in kindergarten who did okay but not spectacularly, and they move on to first grade and the parents don't even think about it. I feel that you'd repeat kindergarten if you weren't socially ready. Assuming he's good on that front, I can only imagine that moving from an academically challenging kindergarten to a regular kindergarten would be a recipe for boredom. But, you know your kid better than we do.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:07 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
How is he physically? I've heard that boys have a tougher time being the youngest because of how boys tend to play, but every kid is different.
How is he socially? Is he friendly?
If he's short and introverted, I'd probably put him in kindergarten again.
If not, I'd lean towards putting him into first grade. There are a whole bunch of kids in kindergarten who did okay but not spectacularly, and they move on to first grade and the parents don't even think about it. I feel that you'd repeat kindergarten if you weren't socially ready. Assuming he's good on that front, I can only imagine that moving from an academically challenging kindergarten to a regular kindergarten would be a recipe for boredom. But, you know your kid better than we do.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:07 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'd tend to lean strongly towards having him in K again, but one thing to consider: what does the structure of the public kindergarten classroom look like? If it's mostly a play-based curriculum, or project-based, then there will be lots of new stuff for your son. If it's a lot of teacher talking or worksheets, then he may be bored out of his mind.
My son is in a combined Pre-K/K classroom, and he started Pre-K just before he turned three (October birthday, they let him in although he was past the cutoff.) Last year, for his third year in the classroom, we had to decide whether to have him officially be in kindergarten or whether it would be a third year in Pre-K. The teachers advised having him stay in Pre-K for social reasons, even though he is academically advanced.
And I'm so glad we did that!!! My son has really relaxed into himself in this, his official Kindergarten year, and he's not bored even though it's his fourth year (!!) in the same room with the same teachers. He gets different things out of the curriculum as he matures. He's one of the older kids and that's so good for him. In previous years there was all this drama where he was looking up to the older kids, wanting their friendship but he was just too little in their eyes. Now he is secure in his friendships with peers his own age, and it's great.
Also: add me to the list of kids who skipped a grade and suffered socially because of it. Actually, I did exactly what you are considering for your son: I went to a private school for kindergarten, too early for the public school cutoff, and then went straight into first grade in the public school. This was great for me academically, but socially... not so much. Especially heading into middle school, when my friends kept bopping into puberty and disappearing from me. That sucked.
Best of luck making your decision!
posted by wyzewoman at 11:18 AM on January 29, 2018
My son is in a combined Pre-K/K classroom, and he started Pre-K just before he turned three (October birthday, they let him in although he was past the cutoff.) Last year, for his third year in the classroom, we had to decide whether to have him officially be in kindergarten or whether it would be a third year in Pre-K. The teachers advised having him stay in Pre-K for social reasons, even though he is academically advanced.
And I'm so glad we did that!!! My son has really relaxed into himself in this, his official Kindergarten year, and he's not bored even though it's his fourth year (!!) in the same room with the same teachers. He gets different things out of the curriculum as he matures. He's one of the older kids and that's so good for him. In previous years there was all this drama where he was looking up to the older kids, wanting their friendship but he was just too little in their eyes. Now he is secure in his friendships with peers his own age, and it's great.
Also: add me to the list of kids who skipped a grade and suffered socially because of it. Actually, I did exactly what you are considering for your son: I went to a private school for kindergarten, too early for the public school cutoff, and then went straight into first grade in the public school. This was great for me academically, but socially... not so much. Especially heading into middle school, when my friends kept bopping into puberty and disappearing from me. That sucked.
Best of luck making your decision!
posted by wyzewoman at 11:18 AM on January 29, 2018
Last point: if you put him into Kindergarten now, you can always skip a grade in the future if it makes sense. It's much rougher on everybody to hold him back a year in the future if you need to.
posted by wyzewoman at 11:19 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by wyzewoman at 11:19 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
If we just push him forward into 1st grade, then he will probably be one of the--if not youngest--kids in the class. So we are not sure how detrimental that will be to him.
As someone who was the youngest in her classes, it didn't bother me at all. In life, sometimes you are the baby of the group; and sometimes, you are the eldest.
If the other school is more challenging, he can get bored in the new kindergarten, and that can lead to apathy and disinterest in education later on, and developing a habit of thinking there is no need to put effort in work, and I have seen that happen. If he is a well-adjusted kid with no development issues, I don't see a problem with him going to the first grade. It saves a year having to go back and forth to school, and worrying about tuition increases.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 2:55 PM on January 29, 2018
As someone who was the youngest in her classes, it didn't bother me at all. In life, sometimes you are the baby of the group; and sometimes, you are the eldest.
If the other school is more challenging, he can get bored in the new kindergarten, and that can lead to apathy and disinterest in education later on, and developing a habit of thinking there is no need to put effort in work, and I have seen that happen. If he is a well-adjusted kid with no development issues, I don't see a problem with him going to the first grade. It saves a year having to go back and forth to school, and worrying about tuition increases.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 2:55 PM on January 29, 2018
Another piece of anecdata: my brother was born in mid-October, about a month after the public school cut-off for our district. He was in private school for K through 2nd grade, then switched over to our local elementary school when he qualified for the gifted & talented program. He was the youngest in his class but never had a problem with it, and he really thrived in the local walking-distance elementary school where all his school friends were also his neighborhood friends (e.g. they could just walk over to each other's houses to play, no need to get a parent to drive them). I do remember that one of his best friends was almost exactly a year older than him; they held joint birthday parties for a few years.
He is physically pretty tall and wiry but did just fine with school sports; played youth soccer and football until partway through HS when he stopped after a couple concussions. He is now an engineer with a great career and is socially well-adjusted (no mean feat for an engineer!) so I don't think it hurt him much.
Even aside from redshirting, it's worth remembering that kids go through puberty at vastly different ages, so he might be among the first in his class or the last in his class totally independent of whether or not you hold him back next year. I am a May baby, hit my growth spurt in 4th grade; my best friend born in January didn't hit puberty till 7th grade. Puberty is just an awkward awful time regardless of whether you are first, last, or in the middle of the pack.
posted by basalganglia at 3:23 PM on January 29, 2018
He is physically pretty tall and wiry but did just fine with school sports; played youth soccer and football until partway through HS when he stopped after a couple concussions. He is now an engineer with a great career and is socially well-adjusted (no mean feat for an engineer!) so I don't think it hurt him much.
Even aside from redshirting, it's worth remembering that kids go through puberty at vastly different ages, so he might be among the first in his class or the last in his class totally independent of whether or not you hold him back next year. I am a May baby, hit my growth spurt in 4th grade; my best friend born in January didn't hit puberty till 7th grade. Puberty is just an awkward awful time regardless of whether you are first, last, or in the middle of the pack.
posted by basalganglia at 3:23 PM on January 29, 2018
If you choose to have him do kindergarten next year, consider whether you want to pull him from his school this year. Maybe you could find a preschool for him to complete the year in and have more play time (and have fewer boring things next year because he's already studied them).
posted by Margalo Epps at 5:49 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Margalo Epps at 5:49 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I skipped a grade later in elementary school and looking back on it as an adult I've always wished that I hadn't been skipped. I was fine academically but I was not socially as mature as my classmates, and often felt foolish or embarrassed of my behavior or my reactions to things. This was true through middle school, high school, and college. Plus I think adults expected more of me developmentally based on my grade level rather than my age or where I actually was developmentally.
Based on my own experience, if it were my own child I would send him to Kinder. He'll have plenty of time to do academic work. He won't ever get this "kid time" back.
posted by vignettist at 8:01 PM on January 29, 2018
Based on my own experience, if it were my own child I would send him to Kinder. He'll have plenty of time to do academic work. He won't ever get this "kid time" back.
posted by vignettist at 8:01 PM on January 29, 2018
My school district (like many in California) offers Transitional Kindergarten for students too old for pre-Kinder but not mature enough for Kinder. Perhaps that's offered where you are.
posted by SPrintF at 8:14 PM on January 29, 2018
posted by SPrintF at 8:14 PM on January 29, 2018
Response by poster: Thanks for all the thoughts! There were so many great and thoughtful answers! Even the personal anecdotes are really helpful in getting a sense of what the potential outcomes for my son might be.
Currently, I would say that my son is not socially or emotionally behind his classmates--but of course it is hard to say how it will be in the future as kids get older. We are going to have a discussion with his current K teacher to get a better sense of where he is in the classroom setting and when interacting with his peers. We will also try to tactfully talk with our son to try to gauge his own preferences.
I really like suggestions on checking out the age demographics at the public school and talking to the teachers there to see how they might make the K curriculum more challenging if we do decide to have him repeat K.
It is a lot to chew on, but all these answers have really helped!
posted by w84rav at 10:41 PM on January 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
Currently, I would say that my son is not socially or emotionally behind his classmates--but of course it is hard to say how it will be in the future as kids get older. We are going to have a discussion with his current K teacher to get a better sense of where he is in the classroom setting and when interacting with his peers. We will also try to tactfully talk with our son to try to gauge his own preferences.
I really like suggestions on checking out the age demographics at the public school and talking to the teachers there to see how they might make the K curriculum more challenging if we do decide to have him repeat K.
It is a lot to chew on, but all these answers have really helped!
posted by w84rav at 10:41 PM on January 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I was an academically advanced kindergartner and my parents were given the option to have me skip first grade since academically I knew everything. I was extremely small and somewhat physically behind for my age. It would have been so very much the wrong choice to have me be really young in my class. So I didn't and everything worked out great. But it's probably ok for some kids.
Also, I know this might seem silly because it's so far away, but would having an extra year to save for college be meaningful for you? Does he have older or younger siblings where having them be closer or farther apart in grades would affect you financially in 10 or 15 years? Worth considering, in my opinion.
posted by brainmouse at 12:54 AM on January 29, 2018 [19 favorites]