Help me satisfy my urge to cook for friends
January 4, 2018 1:59 PM Subscribe
Need ideas for how to host people for dinner or brunch
The cold weather -- and my new tablet-- make me want to experiment with new recipes. I want to continue the holiday vibe by having people over (around 10 to 15) to share food. (Other people cooked for me when I went home for the holidays, so I'm not burned out from cooking but I bet some other people are).
Issues that might make the party awkward:
--None of my friends in my current city know each other because I've met them in different scenarios. They come from a variety of backgrounds/cultures /personality types but are all around my age.
--Some of my friends don't speak french, and some don't like speaking english (I'm in Quebec)
--I'm an introvert, so most of the people I am friends with, I am used to seeing one-on-one. I don't know if they would want to hang out with my other friends that they don't know.
-- I don't want to seem like a self-absorbed princess... I want the guests to enjoy themselves.
So how do I come up with a reason to invite these people over?
-- Do i "curate" a list of people that I think would like each other? (Seems snobbish)
-- One idea I had is just to have a brunch / board game day, but not everyone likes them
--Should I try to blend the different groups of people or keep them separate?
--How do I entice people to come to my place when they don't know the other people there and the only thing connecting them is knowing me? ( I'm afraid of seeming self-absorbed)
I'm thinking of luring them all with mulled wine.
I am also thinking of having a 30th birthday party for myself in March, but I don't really like being the centre of attention so the idea of that seems a bit too much. But I might try this out as a low pressure test to see how it goes.
Thanks!!
and if anyone in Montreal wants to come meet new people that have nothing in common except knowing me, let me know
The cold weather -- and my new tablet-- make me want to experiment with new recipes. I want to continue the holiday vibe by having people over (around 10 to 15) to share food. (Other people cooked for me when I went home for the holidays, so I'm not burned out from cooking but I bet some other people are).
Issues that might make the party awkward:
--None of my friends in my current city know each other because I've met them in different scenarios. They come from a variety of backgrounds/cultures /personality types but are all around my age.
--Some of my friends don't speak french, and some don't like speaking english (I'm in Quebec)
--I'm an introvert, so most of the people I am friends with, I am used to seeing one-on-one. I don't know if they would want to hang out with my other friends that they don't know.
-- I don't want to seem like a self-absorbed princess... I want the guests to enjoy themselves.
So how do I come up with a reason to invite these people over?
-- Do i "curate" a list of people that I think would like each other? (Seems snobbish)
-- One idea I had is just to have a brunch / board game day, but not everyone likes them
--Should I try to blend the different groups of people or keep them separate?
--How do I entice people to come to my place when they don't know the other people there and the only thing connecting them is knowing me? ( I'm afraid of seeming self-absorbed)
I'm thinking of luring them all with mulled wine.
I am also thinking of having a 30th birthday party for myself in March, but I don't really like being the centre of attention so the idea of that seems a bit too much. But I might try this out as a low pressure test to see how it goes.
Thanks!!
and if anyone in Montreal wants to come meet new people that have nothing in common except knowing me, let me know
An aunt of mine used to throw a party every year where she'd assign people a country and they'd bring a six pack of beer from there. Depends how open people are to beer in your crowd, of course, but it can be a fun icebreaker for a bunch of people that don't know each other well --- people can chat about where they found their sixer, try different styles, recommend others to try if someone discovers they like Belgian whites or something. I dunno how the craft scene is in Canada, but you could probably do regions as well.
As the host, it lends itself well to party food -- my aunt usually threw hers in the summer, so she'd just have a cookout, but for a winter version you could easily do a few different appetiser type things that go with the different countries --- bratwurst, wings, cheese toasties, etc. Whatever strikes your fancy, really. Can be as simple or elaborate as you'd like.
posted by Diablevert at 2:33 PM on January 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
As the host, it lends itself well to party food -- my aunt usually threw hers in the summer, so she'd just have a cookout, but for a winter version you could easily do a few different appetiser type things that go with the different countries --- bratwurst, wings, cheese toasties, etc. Whatever strikes your fancy, really. Can be as simple or elaborate as you'd like.
posted by Diablevert at 2:33 PM on January 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
Don't overthink it too much. I'd send out e-mails to the people you're considering and tell them something along the lines of "I've decided that 2018 is the year of friendship and food, and I'm going to try hosting some laid back brunches and dinners and things this year. I'm kicking it off with mulled wine night with some of my friends from axe throwing, my knitting group, and our museum lecture group. Would you be interested? If you'd rather do something one on one, that's good with me too, let me know and we can set something up!'
If they're interested, that's great, and if they're not, that's okay. Not everyone has to be in to everything.
Personally I like meeting the other friends of my friends. It's a good way for me to make new friends too, because obviously if that person likes me, they have excellent taste, right? You can do a mix of events, some with everyone, some with smaller specialized groups. If people click, that's great! If they don't, you can see how the groups shake out from there.
posted by Caravantea at 2:36 PM on January 4, 2018 [9 favorites]
If they're interested, that's great, and if they're not, that's okay. Not everyone has to be in to everything.
Personally I like meeting the other friends of my friends. It's a good way for me to make new friends too, because obviously if that person likes me, they have excellent taste, right? You can do a mix of events, some with everyone, some with smaller specialized groups. If people click, that's great! If they don't, you can see how the groups shake out from there.
posted by Caravantea at 2:36 PM on January 4, 2018 [9 favorites]
-- Do i "curate" a list of people that I think would like each other? (Seems snobbish)
Yes, do this. 10-15 is a large group, and . . . the language thing sounds super awkward, from experience. People are often more likely to show up for a smaller group thing than "I'm just inviting everyone I know".
It isn't snobbish, it's trying to get friends together who you think would enjoy each other. (They can be mixed languages, which will work out fine, but not "can't speak French" with "refuses to speak English for political reasons".)
posted by jeather at 2:38 PM on January 4, 2018 [15 favorites]
Yes, do this. 10-15 is a large group, and . . . the language thing sounds super awkward, from experience. People are often more likely to show up for a smaller group thing than "I'm just inviting everyone I know".
It isn't snobbish, it's trying to get friends together who you think would enjoy each other. (They can be mixed languages, which will work out fine, but not "can't speak French" with "refuses to speak English for political reasons".)
posted by jeather at 2:38 PM on January 4, 2018 [15 favorites]
As far as 'curating' your invites to a group of folks - in my opinion, not snobbish at all. Some of the very best gatherings/parties/dinners I've ever been to have had guest lists that I know for a fact were 'selected' to be interesting or compatible. Not everyone you know will necessarily like everyone else you know, and that's all right. Bring together smaller mixes of folks and see who clicks.
Also, as an introvert myself, I tend to extremes when inviting people into my space - either invite only two or maybe three people over, so that I can concentrate on establishing a single harmonious conversation, or invite like 20 people for a very structured event with a set end time so that if I get overwhelmed I know there's an end in sight. For large-scale gatherings I enjoy things like Passover or movie viewing parties, things that revolve around a central event. I don't enjoy loose 10-person 'just come and hang' events and so I do not host them and rarely attend them either.
posted by DSime at 2:40 PM on January 4, 2018
Also, as an introvert myself, I tend to extremes when inviting people into my space - either invite only two or maybe three people over, so that I can concentrate on establishing a single harmonious conversation, or invite like 20 people for a very structured event with a set end time so that if I get overwhelmed I know there's an end in sight. For large-scale gatherings I enjoy things like Passover or movie viewing parties, things that revolve around a central event. I don't enjoy loose 10-person 'just come and hang' events and so I do not host them and rarely attend them either.
posted by DSime at 2:40 PM on January 4, 2018
Yes, do it like a traditional dinner party. Pick 4-8 people who you think might get on, and who will be happy to speak the same language. Invite! If you use the words "dinner party" they will probably understand that it is a mixed group of people who might not all know each other. You can have set places at the table so that you arrange people to be next to those you think they might get on best with. I think a total number of about 6 people is pretty good because it means everyone will probably talk to everyone rather than splitting into pairs, which risks leaving someone trapped with a person they don't find very interesting.
posted by lollusc at 3:35 PM on January 4, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by lollusc at 3:35 PM on January 4, 2018 [3 favorites]
Yeah, if you don't already know, maybe have separate Anglophone and Francophone parties and feel people out for who would be best at a mixed party. Then start focusing on the mixed party group.
posted by rhizome at 4:10 PM on January 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 4:10 PM on January 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
Six is the traditional dinner party size, which is accommodated by recipes that say "serves 4-6." As the foreword to Mastering the Art of French Cooking puts it, "the dish should be sufficient for 4 people if the rest of your menu is small, and for 6 if it is large." Four seems like Having People Over For Dinner, and not a dinner party, and eight gets into problems of both seating and recipe scale. If you make the invitation clear people will be more likely to show up on you and not flake out.
If you want to do something less formal, you can follow the example of a friend of ours who hosts "Family Meal" once a month. She posts a full menu in advance and while RSVPs are appreciated they are not entirely necessary. Whoever shows up, eats. I'm not sure how hard it was for her to get started with it, but there usually seem to be about 6-8 people and they're not always the same people. The crowd does sometimes self-sort, though, and there are a couple friends of hers with whom I've barely spoken. Serendipity can be fun, but it can also be cliquish.
The advantage of a fixed dinner party is that you can make sure you're including people you think will actually talk to each other. And yes, you should curate your friends and make interesting connections. That's part of the fun of hosting dinner parties. And since lots of people seem to have trouble making new friends, just the simple introduction of "I think you two would get along, and here's a starter thing you can talk about" will facilitate new friendships, which is great.
posted by fedward at 4:12 PM on January 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you want to do something less formal, you can follow the example of a friend of ours who hosts "Family Meal" once a month. She posts a full menu in advance and while RSVPs are appreciated they are not entirely necessary. Whoever shows up, eats. I'm not sure how hard it was for her to get started with it, but there usually seem to be about 6-8 people and they're not always the same people. The crowd does sometimes self-sort, though, and there are a couple friends of hers with whom I've barely spoken. Serendipity can be fun, but it can also be cliquish.
The advantage of a fixed dinner party is that you can make sure you're including people you think will actually talk to each other. And yes, you should curate your friends and make interesting connections. That's part of the fun of hosting dinner parties. And since lots of people seem to have trouble making new friends, just the simple introduction of "I think you two would get along, and here's a starter thing you can talk about" will facilitate new friendships, which is great.
posted by fedward at 4:12 PM on January 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
Yes, I would do separate groups of four to six people you think would get along. Once people start to know each other more, you can do bigger parties.
posted by lazuli at 4:18 PM on January 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by lazuli at 4:18 PM on January 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
The world needs more dinner parties. You have a serious calling and your mission is clear. Don't be afraid to just do it. It's an experiment and the fate of the free world does not rest on every single party you ever throw being a stunning success. As long as no one gets food poisoning and no weapons are drawn, it's all good.
-- One idea I had is just to have a brunch / board game day, but not everyone likes them
Lots of people do, though. Do it! Those who love board games will show and have a great time.
--Should I try to blend the different groups of people or keep them separate?
Test the waters. Blend a little here and there and see who seems to get on and who doesn't. Next time, adjust your guest list accordingly.
--How do I entice people to come to my place when they don't know the other people there and the only thing connecting them is knowing me? ( I'm afraid of seeming self-absorbed)
I'm thinking of luring them all with mulled wine.
Mulled wine is good. Also, call them to say you're having a dinner/brunch party and would love for them to come, are they free on [date].
For bigger groups it's harder to cook a full meal and serve it comfortably (assuming you may not have seating for 12) so if you want to do that I suggest a potluck or an event that's understood to not include a full meal and where eating on the couch or floor is acceptable - like board game night with snacks, or movie night, etc. With bigger groups, unexpected pairing can occur in a way that's delightful - once I had a serious nerd spend hours chatting with a nurse - never would have expected they might get on. And with bigger groups, any two people who don't get on have lots of opportunities to talk to other people.
Small groups make it easier to do a full meal, and it's more possible to have a single conversation where you all get to know each other better. Even if people don't want to be besties, they're all adults and can be polite and chatty with each other for a couple of hours over a bottle of wine and cornish hens or whatever.
I host a lot of dinners and am invited to far fewer. I would love to be invited to a dinner party and most folks feel the same way - I think many are too intimidated to attempt hosting. Be brave - go for it!
posted by bunderful at 4:18 PM on January 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
-- One idea I had is just to have a brunch / board game day, but not everyone likes them
Lots of people do, though. Do it! Those who love board games will show and have a great time.
--Should I try to blend the different groups of people or keep them separate?
Test the waters. Blend a little here and there and see who seems to get on and who doesn't. Next time, adjust your guest list accordingly.
--How do I entice people to come to my place when they don't know the other people there and the only thing connecting them is knowing me? ( I'm afraid of seeming self-absorbed)
I'm thinking of luring them all with mulled wine.
Mulled wine is good. Also, call them to say you're having a dinner/brunch party and would love for them to come, are they free on [date].
For bigger groups it's harder to cook a full meal and serve it comfortably (assuming you may not have seating for 12) so if you want to do that I suggest a potluck or an event that's understood to not include a full meal and where eating on the couch or floor is acceptable - like board game night with snacks, or movie night, etc. With bigger groups, unexpected pairing can occur in a way that's delightful - once I had a serious nerd spend hours chatting with a nurse - never would have expected they might get on. And with bigger groups, any two people who don't get on have lots of opportunities to talk to other people.
Small groups make it easier to do a full meal, and it's more possible to have a single conversation where you all get to know each other better. Even if people don't want to be besties, they're all adults and can be polite and chatty with each other for a couple of hours over a bottle of wine and cornish hens or whatever.
I host a lot of dinners and am invited to far fewer. I would love to be invited to a dinner party and most folks feel the same way - I think many are too intimidated to attempt hosting. Be brave - go for it!
posted by bunderful at 4:18 PM on January 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
I think this is a really fun idea! I probably would not do 10-15 people if you're planning to cook all the food, unless you're experienced at cooking for that size crowd (and have seating/tableware for that size of group), although a larger group like that can be great for a casual potluck. But since you seem a little nervous about logistics, maybe start with inviting over 5-6 people?
As far as a reason to invite people over, the reason can be "dinner party" or "for brunch" -- there does not need to be a theme! There certainly can be if you want one -- it could be a St. Patrick's day dinner with Irish food or something like that -- but the reason can also be "hanging out and eating food."
In terms of guest list, if most of your friends don't know each other, I think you should have some consideration for who will get along and enjoy each other's company, and I don't think that's snobbish! You're not saying "Oh, Jane is not good enough to come to my house for dinner" but rather "Daniel and Lindsey both love talking about woodworking so I bet they would enjoy chatting." I would probably try to pick one common language for each event, but at a minimum make sure one person isn't stranded with no one they can talk to (i.e. you wouldn't want to invite over 5 people who only speak English and one person who only speaks French) -- if you do mix languages, at least get things as close as possible to a 50-50 split.
Don't worry about pleasing everyone! You are right that not everyone likes brunch or likes board games, and honestly the truth is that not everyone likes coming over to someone's house for a group meal, period! This is ok. People accepting or declining an invitation is not a referendum on you as a person or on your friendship. Some of your friends may just prefer one-on-one hangouts, or have a bunch of dietary restrictions and thus not enjoy hanging out over food, or for whatever reason they're just not into this event. By being okay with this and offering a no-pressure invitation, you avoid being self-absorbed. Make a plan you are excited about and that you think a fair amount of other people will like, make your invitations, and then be ok with your group maybe being 5 people or maybe being 8 (just be sure to ask for RSVPs!).
posted by rainbowbrite at 5:02 PM on January 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
As far as a reason to invite people over, the reason can be "dinner party" or "for brunch" -- there does not need to be a theme! There certainly can be if you want one -- it could be a St. Patrick's day dinner with Irish food or something like that -- but the reason can also be "hanging out and eating food."
In terms of guest list, if most of your friends don't know each other, I think you should have some consideration for who will get along and enjoy each other's company, and I don't think that's snobbish! You're not saying "Oh, Jane is not good enough to come to my house for dinner" but rather "Daniel and Lindsey both love talking about woodworking so I bet they would enjoy chatting." I would probably try to pick one common language for each event, but at a minimum make sure one person isn't stranded with no one they can talk to (i.e. you wouldn't want to invite over 5 people who only speak English and one person who only speaks French) -- if you do mix languages, at least get things as close as possible to a 50-50 split.
Don't worry about pleasing everyone! You are right that not everyone likes brunch or likes board games, and honestly the truth is that not everyone likes coming over to someone's house for a group meal, period! This is ok. People accepting or declining an invitation is not a referendum on you as a person or on your friendship. Some of your friends may just prefer one-on-one hangouts, or have a bunch of dietary restrictions and thus not enjoy hanging out over food, or for whatever reason they're just not into this event. By being okay with this and offering a no-pressure invitation, you avoid being self-absorbed. Make a plan you are excited about and that you think a fair amount of other people will like, make your invitations, and then be ok with your group maybe being 5 people or maybe being 8 (just be sure to ask for RSVPs!).
posted by rainbowbrite at 5:02 PM on January 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
One idea I had is just to have a brunch / board game day, but not everyone likes them
Let people turn down the invitation themselves. Don't turn yourself down on their behalf.
If I wanted to hold a board game day, I'd just invite a bunch of people to a board game day. The ones who weren't into board games could say "No, sorry, not my thing," or "No, [excuse goes here]" — or for that matter "Yeah, sure, not normally my thing but I'll give it a try."
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:57 PM on January 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
Let people turn down the invitation themselves. Don't turn yourself down on their behalf.
If I wanted to hold a board game day, I'd just invite a bunch of people to a board game day. The ones who weren't into board games could say "No, sorry, not my thing," or "No, [excuse goes here]" — or for that matter "Yeah, sure, not normally my thing but I'll give it a try."
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:57 PM on January 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
a dinner with 4-6 people, selected to be compatible, is almost certainly going to be more fun, and result in better conversation and lead to closer ties, than a random subset of a larger group of invitees who may not have anything (even language) in common. Absolutely, curate and invite smaller groups.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:20 PM on January 4, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:20 PM on January 4, 2018 [3 favorites]
"Curate" is kind of a snobby obnoxious word. I don't think of it that way. I think of it as helping my friends connect with new friends. It's not about me choosing the "best" people. It's about me helping make connections that will help my friends feel comfortable with each other.
posted by lazuli at 9:44 PM on January 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 9:44 PM on January 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
Definitely just do it. There is no theme necessary, just extend the invitation such that you get 5-8 people to attend.
A couple that mrs. mmascolino and I know routinely holds informal dinners on many Friday nights. They have a house (with a kitchen and dining room) suitable for entertaining a decent crowd and it saves on them having to get a babysitter. Most weeks the lady of the house sounds out an email invite to a large group of people and then based on the responses, her and I menu plan. We take into account picky eaters or dietary restrictions when we do this. Most people want to contribute in some ways so we steer people towards things they can handle like (Person X can barely make toast so assign them to pick up good cheese and crackers). Depending on our schedules and who is attending it might be multi-course gourmet meal all the way down to, "damn it is nice outside, lets sit on the deck, drink wine and grill hamburgers".
It all works out well and people come and go as their other commitments come and go. For example one set of friends hardly ever attend during the fall because that collides with their kids' football games.
posted by mmascolino at 8:13 AM on January 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
A couple that mrs. mmascolino and I know routinely holds informal dinners on many Friday nights. They have a house (with a kitchen and dining room) suitable for entertaining a decent crowd and it saves on them having to get a babysitter. Most weeks the lady of the house sounds out an email invite to a large group of people and then based on the responses, her and I menu plan. We take into account picky eaters or dietary restrictions when we do this. Most people want to contribute in some ways so we steer people towards things they can handle like (Person X can barely make toast so assign them to pick up good cheese and crackers). Depending on our schedules and who is attending it might be multi-course gourmet meal all the way down to, "damn it is nice outside, lets sit on the deck, drink wine and grill hamburgers".
It all works out well and people come and go as their other commitments come and go. For example one set of friends hardly ever attend during the fall because that collides with their kids' football games.
posted by mmascolino at 8:13 AM on January 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
You might find this article relevant or at least inspiring/interesting.
posted by wwax at 9:59 AM on January 5, 2018
posted by wwax at 9:59 AM on January 5, 2018
I would blend. Take people out of their comfort zones. Also assign seats so you mix people up.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:13 AM on January 5, 2018
posted by Ironmouth at 11:13 AM on January 5, 2018
Have an Oscars party! Not exactly a dinner party, but it works for disparate groups of friends. The food is in one room or one side of the room, the tv with the broadcast in another, and people can move from one to the other and bond over what movies they liked/hated/never saw/never would see. Bonus fun: trivia questions about previous Oscars, with special drinks going to the winners.
You will know that the special occasion is getting your friends together; your guests will think that the special occasion is the awards ceremony. Which they may love or hate or have no particular thoughts about whatsoever!
posted by goofyfoot at 1:23 AM on January 7, 2018
You will know that the special occasion is getting your friends together; your guests will think that the special occasion is the awards ceremony. Which they may love or hate or have no particular thoughts about whatsoever!
posted by goofyfoot at 1:23 AM on January 7, 2018
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posted by Elsie at 2:30 PM on January 4, 2018 [5 favorites]