My friend just got his heart broken. How can I be there for him?
January 4, 2018 7:14 AM Subscribe
My friend told me today that he had been in a relationship for the past year and a half. In the process, he also came out to me. I held his hand and hugged him and cried with him and listened to what he had been bottling up for some time now. Is there anything more I can do?
Long story short:
- He had a few relationships with straight women and has been identifying as straight for years. But I believe, having known him for more than a decade now, that this is the first time that he really fell in love.
- In the past two years that's when he started to explore and accept a different side of himself he never knew existed
- In the process, he met someone and started a relationship which he kept hidden from everyone
- His partner was out and wanted him to do the same, but since it was still all new to him he was still at that stage of confusion, fear, etc. This didn't sit well with his partner, who wanted their relationship to have an official "label". His partner wanted to be able to hold hands with him in public, introduce each other to mutual friends, etc.
- My friend understands the importance (and significance) of this, but still had a hard time coming out (the only one who knows right now is me).
- Nevertheless, despite the lack of "label" he remained faithful and monogamous to his partner, while his partner saw various people during the period of their relationship
- His partner broke up with him on Christmas day via SMS while my friend was in a different city visiting family. He said he found someone new (within the span of a week) and he's now happy and he has found "The One"
- But he continues to exchange messages with my friend and is not leaving him alone even if he has someone new now
What can I do? How can I be there for my friend? He's not sleeping and eating. And he's not able to function at work. He can't release all his pain and hurt at home because he's surrounded by family (who may not accept him when he comes out).
I understand his partner's need to be recognised and to not live in the closet. That my friend also has his shortcomings. But at the same time I also understand that you can't force someone to come out when they are not ready.
What advice can I give? What language can I use? I am a cis straight woman. I want to be there for him and offer him a safe space where he can be himself. I want to let him know that he is worthy of being loved.
Any advice appreciated. Thanks.
Long story short:
- He had a few relationships with straight women and has been identifying as straight for years. But I believe, having known him for more than a decade now, that this is the first time that he really fell in love.
- In the past two years that's when he started to explore and accept a different side of himself he never knew existed
- In the process, he met someone and started a relationship which he kept hidden from everyone
- His partner was out and wanted him to do the same, but since it was still all new to him he was still at that stage of confusion, fear, etc. This didn't sit well with his partner, who wanted their relationship to have an official "label". His partner wanted to be able to hold hands with him in public, introduce each other to mutual friends, etc.
- My friend understands the importance (and significance) of this, but still had a hard time coming out (the only one who knows right now is me).
- Nevertheless, despite the lack of "label" he remained faithful and monogamous to his partner, while his partner saw various people during the period of their relationship
- His partner broke up with him on Christmas day via SMS while my friend was in a different city visiting family. He said he found someone new (within the span of a week) and he's now happy and he has found "The One"
- But he continues to exchange messages with my friend and is not leaving him alone even if he has someone new now
What can I do? How can I be there for my friend? He's not sleeping and eating. And he's not able to function at work. He can't release all his pain and hurt at home because he's surrounded by family (who may not accept him when he comes out).
I understand his partner's need to be recognised and to not live in the closet. That my friend also has his shortcomings. But at the same time I also understand that you can't force someone to come out when they are not ready.
What advice can I give? What language can I use? I am a cis straight woman. I want to be there for him and offer him a safe space where he can be himself. I want to let him know that he is worthy of being loved.
Any advice appreciated. Thanks.
I think you need to throw all the information abut the details of the relationship aside here. They're confusing you by making you think about who is right and wrong in this situation. This is exactly the kind of messy screwed up relationship you get into when you're new in your sexual identity and don't know that you are deserving of respect and love. You only have one job in this situation. Be there for your friend and let him know he still has a person in his life who knows he experiences same sex attraction and still loves him unconditionally. Maybe gently suggesting going no contact with the ex. Maybe gently encouraging therapy or finding a gay social club to join to help find queer friends and putting a pause on dating for a hot minute. But listening and being there is probably what you can effectively do for him. Everything else is kind of on him to figure out over time.
posted by edbles at 7:38 AM on January 4, 2018 [28 favorites]
posted by edbles at 7:38 AM on January 4, 2018 [28 favorites]
Keep doing all of this: I held his hand and hugged him and cried with him and listened to what he had been bottling up for some time now. This is really the meat and potatoes of post breakup support; being an empathetic ear and making him feel heard, understood, not alone.
What advice can I give? What language can I use?... I want to let him know that he is worthy of being loved. Tell him straight out that he is worthy of love and that he will find it with someone special. Try to push home the message that this relationship is something that happened but doesn't define him. In time when the rawness of the wound fades, his connection to his self worth will come back to the foreground.
But he continues to exchange messages with my friend and is not leaving him alone This is the most destructive thing going on right now and will make this breakup infinitely worse going forward. Consider counseling him to work toward letting go of the relationship and blocking the ex's number when he is ready if the ex won't comply with a request to stop communicating. Especially given the emotional state you say he is in, he really needs to prioritize his healing in a much more proactive way right now.
posted by incolorinred at 7:39 AM on January 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
What advice can I give? What language can I use?... I want to let him know that he is worthy of being loved. Tell him straight out that he is worthy of love and that he will find it with someone special. Try to push home the message that this relationship is something that happened but doesn't define him. In time when the rawness of the wound fades, his connection to his self worth will come back to the foreground.
But he continues to exchange messages with my friend and is not leaving him alone This is the most destructive thing going on right now and will make this breakup infinitely worse going forward. Consider counseling him to work toward letting go of the relationship and blocking the ex's number when he is ready if the ex won't comply with a request to stop communicating. Especially given the emotional state you say he is in, he really needs to prioritize his healing in a much more proactive way right now.
posted by incolorinred at 7:39 AM on January 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
Tell him to see a therapist, these things take a long time to process and I think having a professional to talk to would be very helpful...or at least that's what I wish I did way back when.
Otherwise, like people are saying, just be there as a friend and keep asking him to do things, see movies, go out for a drink, come over and visit etc. It's good for him not to be alone to ruminate, or at least to be able to take a break from it. Again, the details aren't the major thing, it's the sudden love, and the sudden break up and the whole larger picture etc. Again, therapy is good.
posted by bquarters at 7:52 AM on January 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
Otherwise, like people are saying, just be there as a friend and keep asking him to do things, see movies, go out for a drink, come over and visit etc. It's good for him not to be alone to ruminate, or at least to be able to take a break from it. Again, the details aren't the major thing, it's the sudden love, and the sudden break up and the whole larger picture etc. Again, therapy is good.
posted by bquarters at 7:52 AM on January 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
Sometimes the best gift you can give someone is to be the best listener you can be. This might be one of those occasions.
posted by strelitzia at 8:42 AM on January 4, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by strelitzia at 8:42 AM on January 4, 2018 [3 favorites]
I cannot know how what it is to be in the closet in 2018, as it was 20 years ago I came out in a very different world. But, if my experience translates at all to his, this relationship isn't about the relationship. The success or failure of it is a referendum on his sexual identity. He took a risk in pursuing a relationship with this guy and that is why it hurts so much more than it should. That should help frame how you think about what he says. See him, affirm him, be there for him. Don't dwell on how bad the relationship was.
posted by munchingzombie at 10:18 AM on January 4, 2018 [19 favorites]
posted by munchingzombie at 10:18 AM on January 4, 2018 [19 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Otherwise, just be present. Ask him to get together and do stuff - hike, bake bread, take a pottery class, go to a concert. Let him know you care and you believe in his strength and his ability to get through this. You probably don’t need to give advice unless he asks for it. (Except the therapy and perhaps going no contact with his ex for a while).
posted by bunderful at 7:21 AM on January 4, 2018 [7 favorites]