Good way to acknowledge being "uninvited" to a party?
November 19, 2017 5:41 AM   Subscribe

I accepted a party invite by a casual acquaintance on FB, but looks like they've now uninvited me. I'd like to let her know that a) I won't show up and b) no hard feelings. Main aim is to minimise future awkwardness, so maybe I should just say nothing? What would you do?

I was invited to a birthday meal by a girl I don't know very well, but have met a few times through a shared hobby - we got on well and she asked to add me on facebook.

I was a bit surprised to be invited, given small number of people she invited, but as I was free, sent her a enthusiastic message saying I'd be there. I guess inviting me was a mistake - easy to do on facebook - and she has now uninvited, since the party has disappeared from my events. She hasn't responded directly to my message, leaving me feeling a little bit foolish, but I'm not taking this personally.

If you were the host, would you appreciate a message to let you know the mixup hasn't caused offence, or would you prefer radio silence?

We will probably cross paths occasionally at events so would be good to be able to say hello without awkwardness!
posted by hirsutebob to Human Relations (13 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Well, that was pretty rude of her. I guess that if you wanted to be gracious about it, I would just pretend it all never happened, since apparently that’s how she’s approaching it. No message, don’t show up, don’t bring it up again if you run into her. She could really have handled that better, though.
posted by Autumnheart at 5:54 AM on November 19, 2017 [48 favorites]


I don't think it is necessarily rude, as she probably just clicked on your name by mistake and is now mortified and cannot think of a way to un-invite you. Just send her a simple, polite message saying you won't be able to make it after all because something has come up but you hope to see her soon.
posted by matthew.alexander at 6:00 AM on November 19, 2017 [16 favorites]


I'm wondering if it's possible that she could have deleted the event and not done a proper job of notifying everyone.

If you want to say hello without awkwardness, then do that the next time you see her, no need to message her again.
posted by bunderful at 6:02 AM on November 19, 2017 [6 favorites]


There are too many loose links here. I'd suggest you speak, rather than guessing about what happened. Just write to her and tell her that you've noticed the event has disappeared from FB so it looks like the party is cancelled. Tell her you're looking forward to seeing her at the next activity. Both sides now have the same information and face is saved.
posted by JimN2TAW at 6:51 AM on November 19, 2017 [27 favorites]


I'm not sure if they've improved things, but FB used to have a terrible interface for cancelling events and you could end up just disappearing them without having a chance to let people know what was going on. So it may not be you, personally, that got uninvited.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:33 AM on November 19, 2017 [3 favorites]


1) I feel like it's relevant here if you are a (straight) man and if there's any possibility any of this is read as expressing interest on either side - I read this and thought that inviting someone to a birthday meal after seeing them a few times at a shared hobby event wasn't weird at all, but I was assuming you're both women.
2) Facebook is pretty awful with cancelled events--they just vanish and there's no convenient way to reach the guests, at least last I checked.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:34 AM on November 19, 2017 [4 favorites]


I would just assume you were not invited and let it go, sending a message would make it rather awkward. It's possible to invite someone by mistake and even though it would have been gracious of her to clarify she might have felt embarrassed and at a loss for what to say.
You can just say hello next time you see her and maintain friendly distance.
posted by M. at 8:22 AM on November 19, 2017 [4 favorites]


Is it possible they weren't able to get a reservation for the party size? Or she cancelled? Agreeing that the event interface makes it hard to communicate any of these types of situations.
posted by typecloud at 9:27 AM on November 19, 2017


No need to message her again. As others mentioned, it's possible that the event was cancelled.
posted by emd3737 at 10:53 AM on November 19, 2017 [1 favorite]


Just pretend it never happened. But, I'd have my eyes open around this person from now on to see if this is normal behaviour for her. It's pretty rude to either uninvited someone or to cancel an event without letting everybody know, even if the technology makes it a bit difficult.
posted by rpfields at 11:47 AM on November 19, 2017 [5 favorites]


I would ignore the entire situation and pretend it never happened as there's no way that discussing it would be anything other than incredibly awkward for both of you.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:07 PM on November 19, 2017 [6 favorites]


If she just uninvited you without saying anything, thats super rude. Its good that you are not taking this personally because that may not be what happened as others are pointing out. However, if it were me, and I did somehow find out for sure that that was what she did, I wouldn't be making any attempts to get to know her any better in the future.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:23 PM on November 19, 2017 [1 favorite]


Thanks all for your thoughts - really helpful. I'll go with the majority "say nothing, pretend it never happened" approach. Just to come back on the romantic interest angle - whilst I am a straight guy, I'd be amazed if that were a factor here. She is way better looking than me, and she doesn't know me well, so mistaken invite feels a lot more plausible!
posted by hirsutebob at 3:11 PM on November 19, 2017


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