Fartiquette.
October 16, 2017 2:37 PM Subscribe
I'm generally a very gassy individual, but have always ruled my the activation of flatulation with an iron fist. Of late, my grip on power has weakened, leading to some unfortunate situations. What is the most acceptable way to handle this?
I'm in the US, Bay Area (not sure how much variance there is in the acceptance of public flatulence across the US, but that's where I am, just in case).
Some recent dietary changes have my farts on a hair trigger. Here's some normal activities that have been causing the vapors:
sneezing
coughing
standing from sitting
sitting from standing
walking
sleeping
As I said, I've always been gassy. I've tried to manage it through diet, probiotics, charcoal and various other things, but I'm just very farty. Medical professionals have never been concerned about it.
I've always done my best to not fart in public. I won't even fart in a public bathroom. I grew up with a mother and siblings who would fart loudly in public, and blame me. So for me, public gassiness extends beyond the normal societal shame into deep, crushing shame. There's also the extra added layer of the fact that I'm a fat man, so I'm always assuming everyone is blaming me for farts, whether I'm responsible or not). In high school, I would hold my farts all day, until I got off the bus. I would run into a wooded area and just let it all out. Physically, it was incredibly painful to hold them back. Nowadays, it's a little easier because I'm in IT, and have easy access to aSecret Fart Room server room, where I can handle business without embarrassment.
Just yesterday, I very loudly farted in public when I sneezed. I pretty much just ran away. Same thing at work last week. Just now, I stood up to get coffee. Pffffffrrrrt. Sigh.
What's the best course of action? Pretend it didn't happen? Run away? Apologize? Laugh? Cry?
I'm in the US, Bay Area (not sure how much variance there is in the acceptance of public flatulence across the US, but that's where I am, just in case).
Some recent dietary changes have my farts on a hair trigger. Here's some normal activities that have been causing the vapors:
sneezing
coughing
standing from sitting
sitting from standing
walking
sleeping
As I said, I've always been gassy. I've tried to manage it through diet, probiotics, charcoal and various other things, but I'm just very farty. Medical professionals have never been concerned about it.
I've always done my best to not fart in public. I won't even fart in a public bathroom. I grew up with a mother and siblings who would fart loudly in public, and blame me. So for me, public gassiness extends beyond the normal societal shame into deep, crushing shame. There's also the extra added layer of the fact that I'm a fat man, so I'm always assuming everyone is blaming me for farts, whether I'm responsible or not). In high school, I would hold my farts all day, until I got off the bus. I would run into a wooded area and just let it all out. Physically, it was incredibly painful to hold them back. Nowadays, it's a little easier because I'm in IT, and have easy access to a
Just yesterday, I very loudly farted in public when I sneezed. I pretty much just ran away. Same thing at work last week. Just now, I stood up to get coffee. Pffffffrrrrt. Sigh.
What's the best course of action? Pretend it didn't happen? Run away? Apologize? Laugh? Cry?
Don't do anything that will force other people to acknowledge the fart. Please. If you can manage to look completely innocent, then I can also ignore it, and it will pass out of memory. (sorry)
If some other ill bred person says something, or makes a peeyew noise, or laughs, look around as if you hadn't noticed, and wonder what the fuss is about. (The movie A Christmas Story has a classroom scene where some boys are looking innocent; watch it for tips on how to Look Innocent.)
Do not comment. Do not laugh, do not cry, do not explain. Do not apologize! I know other people may feel, strongly, that you ought to look shamefaced and scuffle your shoes and say "Sorry" in a tiny voice -- but everybody farts. Everybody, and it's no big deal. Everybody sometimes farts in bed with someone special next to them. It's only a Big Deal if you make it so.
(Explosive runny shit and inability to hold in pee are more embarrassing but they are still just things you didn't mean to do, and nobody's hurt. -- ask me how I know)
The real horror in your post is your mother and your siblings. "You farted! HAHAHA" Your mother is right up there in the top ten Bad Mothers. In my opinion she should be giving you money to help you pay for therapy.
Good luck, Farty Guy, and best wishes.
posted by kestralwing at 3:02 PM on October 16, 2017 [23 favorites]
If some other ill bred person says something, or makes a peeyew noise, or laughs, look around as if you hadn't noticed, and wonder what the fuss is about. (The movie A Christmas Story has a classroom scene where some boys are looking innocent; watch it for tips on how to Look Innocent.)
Do not comment. Do not laugh, do not cry, do not explain. Do not apologize! I know other people may feel, strongly, that you ought to look shamefaced and scuffle your shoes and say "Sorry" in a tiny voice -- but everybody farts. Everybody, and it's no big deal. Everybody sometimes farts in bed with someone special next to them. It's only a Big Deal if you make it so.
(Explosive runny shit and inability to hold in pee are more embarrassing but they are still just things you didn't mean to do, and nobody's hurt. -- ask me how I know)
The real horror in your post is your mother and your siblings. "You farted! HAHAHA" Your mother is right up there in the top ten Bad Mothers. In my opinion she should be giving you money to help you pay for therapy.
Good luck, Farty Guy, and best wishes.
posted by kestralwing at 3:02 PM on October 16, 2017 [23 favorites]
Assert dominance and look whoever is near right in the eye as you let loose.
Just don't overdramatize it. Everyone farts. If people fuss, apologize or laugh. If no one seems to notice, keep going about your life. The benefit of claiming your toots, is that people will stop blaming you for your neighbors'.
You don't mention if you've specifically seen a gastroenterologist or dietician. They may have advice if you insist that it's bothersome.
posted by waninggibbon at 3:04 PM on October 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
Just don't overdramatize it. Everyone farts. If people fuss, apologize or laugh. If no one seems to notice, keep going about your life. The benefit of claiming your toots, is that people will stop blaming you for your neighbors'.
You don't mention if you've specifically seen a gastroenterologist or dietician. They may have advice if you insist that it's bothersome.
posted by waninggibbon at 3:04 PM on October 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
Seconding people who just say to ignore it. My most respected boss is an older lady who farts a lot. Does it make her less awesome? Not at all. She farts in meetings, in the hallwayss, as we're chatting in the corporate kitchen, and proceeds with the knowledge that she is excellent (correct) and awesome (correct) and not diminished by her farts (correct) and that we would all give our right arms to be as brilliant as her (absolutely correct, and I would also give at least three toes from my left foot to be as cool as her).
Once, somebody made a comment to me about her farting when she wasn't there, and I just let that juvenile bullshit slowly wither and shrivel in absolute silence, like the actually offensive mouth-fart it was.
We're all human. People fart. Your mom and siblings were dicks.
posted by joyceanmachine at 3:08 PM on October 16, 2017 [23 favorites]
Once, somebody made a comment to me about her farting when she wasn't there, and I just let that juvenile bullshit slowly wither and shrivel in absolute silence, like the actually offensive mouth-fart it was.
We're all human. People fart. Your mom and siblings were dicks.
posted by joyceanmachine at 3:08 PM on October 16, 2017 [23 favorites]
You could try to control the odor through dietary choices, but that's all I got.
posted by amtho at 3:37 PM on October 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 3:37 PM on October 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
It is hard to overcome shame around farting, I know. It is easier when you have an awesome role model like Benjamin Franklin who felt that people should Fart Proudly.
posted by seasparrow at 3:42 PM on October 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by seasparrow at 3:42 PM on October 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
It's ok, everybody farts! If it would make you feel better, you could do an elimination diet to see if you might be able to figure out if there are any noteworthy culprits for you. FODMAP diet comes to mind. It might help you figure out what foods make you fart, but it's a pretty effortful hoop to jump through since it's not a physical health issue. But if it's going to be easier for you than dealing with the shame and/or as a stopgap while you work on the shame, it could be something to look into. Everybody farts.
posted by aniola at 3:54 PM on October 16, 2017
posted by aniola at 3:54 PM on October 16, 2017
It is totally fine to fart in a bathroom. I'm from the west coast, and I expect to sometimes have to brave a stinky bathroom. That's what it's for! Fart away!
posted by aniola at 4:00 PM on October 16, 2017 [13 favorites]
posted by aniola at 4:00 PM on October 16, 2017 [13 favorites]
Have you tried Beano?
Justice John Paul Stevens famously supported its use.
I can vouch for it, too.
posted by jgirl at 4:02 PM on October 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
Justice John Paul Stevens famously supported its use.
I can vouch for it, too.
posted by jgirl at 4:02 PM on October 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
Ignore quiet farts. Give a little chortle and say "excuse me!" if it's loud. Everyone farts, no one cares, it is definitely always funny.
posted by so fucking future at 4:33 PM on October 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by so fucking future at 4:33 PM on October 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
Nthing everyone farts. My dad was a big "Fart anytime, don't say anything, even if someone ELSE says something" which I always thought was a little odd, but we grew up without a lot of shame around farting which I think is good. If I fart loudly in public at a time I would have preferred not to, I'll sometimes say "Excuse me" in a minor no-big-deal sort of way. Farting in bathrooms is fine. Farting not around people is mostly fine (maybe not in an elevator). Do the best you can, presuming you're watching your diet in all the usual ways, just do your thing.
posted by jessamyn at 4:34 PM on October 16, 2017
posted by jessamyn at 4:34 PM on October 16, 2017
If you're still interested in trying things to fart less, I highly recommend a low FODMAP diet. I used to be a massive farticus before the diet to where it was so loud and frequent my neighors woud often be woken up in the night by me! Now I fart infrequently and quietly and it is awesome and has changed my life.
posted by hazyjane at 5:05 PM on October 16, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by hazyjane at 5:05 PM on October 16, 2017 [4 favorites]
You shouldn't care at all about farts in public. You're not doing it on purpose and that's the only part that matters. I'm a fairly farty person in a rough spot for it- teaching. The is to never acknowledge it. For my office (where I get even fartier) I have a small fan to kick up the air so that if someone walks in they aren't caught in a stinky room.
posted by raccoon409 at 5:19 PM on October 16, 2017
posted by raccoon409 at 5:19 PM on October 16, 2017
Came here to say Fart Proudly
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:28 PM on October 16, 2017
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:28 PM on October 16, 2017
Not your question, but dairy gives me nasty gas. Butter, milk, cheese, yogurt, it all affects me. I have to read labels carefully as there is dairy in almost all baked goods and so much else. I miss cheese, but eliminating dairy also reduces inflammation for me, so I really stick with it.
posted by theora55 at 6:41 PM on October 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 6:41 PM on October 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
I think this is true of the vast majority of people: no one cares if you fart, because everyone farts. If you farted in front of me, I will have forgotten about it in approximately one minute. What makes it worse is if you act ashamed or embarrassed, or if you apologize, because now we have made it A Thing and we have to go through this awkward social protocol of apology and saying it's fine and then trying to awkwardly move on - and really it's this whole rigmarole that is the bad part, not the fart itself. Fart, ignore, move on.
posted by Lutoslawski at 7:23 PM on October 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Lutoslawski at 7:23 PM on October 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
Just say "sorry, excuse me" and move on.
posted by gt2 at 7:42 PM on October 16, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by gt2 at 7:42 PM on October 16, 2017 [3 favorites]
I am not from the US but I do live in a country that is generally fart-positive. I think farting is only a big deal around other people if it smells foul. The noise? Who cares. Even a faint whiff is not the end of the world. But that feeling you get when you are caught in someone else's terrible fart cloud really sucks, and personally, I would acknowledge it if I accidentally dropped a bad one ("Oh shit, sorry. Not feeling so great today" etc.). Being the awesome guy who just happens to fart sometimes is no biggie, but I feel that being the stinky-fart guy is something different.
posted by BeeJiddy at 1:13 AM on October 17, 2017
posted by BeeJiddy at 1:13 AM on October 17, 2017
For various reasons I have also struggled with this. I sometimes take a pro-active dose of Gas-X or some other gas-reducer an hour before leaving the house if I'm going to be in a social situation; those don't reduce the gas buildup, they just make it easier for you to pass whatever gas is lurking inside you. If I take it an hour before heading out, it sort of forces everything out in advance so I'm less prone to being taken by surprise.
(And a side question - do you ever burp? I don't, and I finally realized that that was the problem with me - for whatever reason, my esophagus doesn't like to let out burps, so any swallowed air has to come out the other end. I have a couple of especially gas-producing foods I try to avoid, but the esophogeal thing is my biggest hurdle so I just muddle along....)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:28 AM on October 17, 2017
(And a side question - do you ever burp? I don't, and I finally realized that that was the problem with me - for whatever reason, my esophagus doesn't like to let out burps, so any swallowed air has to come out the other end. I have a couple of especially gas-producing foods I try to avoid, but the esophogeal thing is my biggest hurdle so I just muddle along....)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:28 AM on October 17, 2017
Just came in to say, go ahead and fart in public restrooms. It's not an unexpected sound there. And then maybe you won't have as many built up to slip out.
posted by purple_bird at 8:53 AM on October 17, 2017
posted by purple_bird at 8:53 AM on October 17, 2017
My grandfather made a habit of farting openly in church, but if it made a noise and heads turned, he'd turn and stare at the unfortunate soul behind him. Don't be like him, of course. But at the same time, we're all human and we all fart. I crop-dusted a crowd of young girls at a boy-band concert last weekend. No shame.
I would check your diet and see if there are certain foods/meals that make you gassier than others. Dairy, beans, grains are all common culprits. See if Beano, Gas-X, enzymes or antacids help with the production of gas. Use public bathrooms for their intended purpose and don't hurt yourself holding them in all day!
posted by jhope71 at 10:33 AM on October 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
I would check your diet and see if there are certain foods/meals that make you gassier than others. Dairy, beans, grains are all common culprits. See if Beano, Gas-X, enzymes or antacids help with the production of gas. Use public bathrooms for their intended purpose and don't hurt yourself holding them in all day!
posted by jhope71 at 10:33 AM on October 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
I was so schooled in the post-fart "Excuse me" that it automatically slips out when I am alone -- hilariously -- and I think that is all that's required if it is audible. But, please, fart away in public bathrooms, no excuse-me necessary there. I am a bit of a prissy and will retreat to the outdoors or a public toilet if I know my trouser trumpet needs to go off and it will not be kind to those nearby; I grew up in a home where farting openly was something only the little kids did and even the littlest quickly followed them with "excuse me." (Even the word "fart" was not used.) So I'd skip the "pretend you didn't" for the sake of prissy types like me, but otherwise not worry about it. It falls under the category of stuff we should be embarrassed to not do; healthy people belch and fart, full stop. But it's still kind of unpleasant for those near you, which I think is enough to rationalise an "excuse me," "beg pardon," "sorry," whatever. (You don't need to be a weirdo who says it with nobody else in the room, though.)
Also, I'm pretty sure I've read something about what are essentially Kegel exercises for the arse being of some use to keep that set of muscles toned...
posted by kmennie at 1:31 AM on October 19, 2017
Also, I'm pretty sure I've read something about what are essentially Kegel exercises for the arse being of some use to keep that set of muscles toned...
posted by kmennie at 1:31 AM on October 19, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
Audible fart with reaction from those nearby = "Oops, sorry." Go about your business.
My mother has a saying: "Where ere you be, let your wind go free, for holding it will be the death of thee." No idea where it came from, but I like the devil may care attitude.
It's natural and if you've got a clean bill of health then please don't worry about it. Sounds like you have a good and responsible attitude. Continue to do what you can to mitigate the gas, because it's uncomfortable for you, beyond that be thoughtful and embrace the farting! Everyone around you is farting all the time too!
posted by doornoise at 2:58 PM on October 16, 2017