Bookish men in your 40s--where are you dating these days?
October 3, 2017 10:44 AM   Subscribe

Give me your nice, your weird, your humanities majors yearning to breathe free...

OKCupid used to be the place that suited me best for online dating...but recently I went back on there and it was mostly like, people who run marathons and have self-help as their favorite books. Nothing wrong with that! But I am not their type and they are not mine.
So I wonder if there's a better place to look for the sort of guy who would be into a non-outdoorsy librarian? (the answer might be to move out of San Diego but that's not an option at the moment)
I've tried Match.com and Coffee Meets Bagel with similar results.
Here's my current profile in case that helps...suggestions welcome, while we're at it.
posted by exceptinsects to Human Relations (9 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
 
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posted by calgirl at 11:51 AM on October 3, 2017


I think OkC recently disabled public profile viewing, which is annoying but understandable. I don't know of a way to get around that short of creating an account.
posted by Alensin at 12:00 PM on October 3, 2017


Non-outdoorsy bookish types can often be found playing tabletop games, participating in community music groups, reading poetry out loud at coffee shops, or volunteering with political/nonprofit/advocacy groups. Maybe meetup.com?
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 12:17 PM on October 3, 2017 [5 favorites]


I'm a bookish man in my 40s, and I'm on OKC, but I live in NYC.

That said, I've found OKC (and Bumble, and Tinder, and insert-dating-site/app-here) to be frustrating, at best. I never hear from anyone, and it really feels like I'm just wasting my time. Which is to say: I feel your frustration, and I both sympathize and empathize with you.

Good luck! I don't have friends in San Diego, but if I did, I would certainly point them in your direction. You look and read as a perfectly lovely person. :-)
posted by arkhangel at 1:39 PM on October 3, 2017 [1 favorite]


My location is similar to your location and I encountered the same problem a few years ago on OKC. One day I noticed something and mentioned it in my profile: "Some days, looking through my matches is like looking through a men's moisture-wicking shirt catalog." Ta-da! Turns out these guys were pretty humorless and they stopped contacting me. I met more interesting men after that. So maybe be more blunt about not being into that kind of thing.

I'm having better luck with the friend of a friend thing, but after taking care of my mom full+ time it has taken time to regrow those circles of friends.
posted by Room 641-A at 1:53 PM on October 3, 2017 [9 favorites]


I met my dude like this at a super-dorky film festival. I think volunteering at cultural/humanities-adjacent events is going to be a really, really good bet.
posted by superlibby at 2:24 PM on October 3, 2017 [5 favorites]


Bookish man in my 40s, and I'm on OKC. I'm in a city of half a mil.

That is not to say that I'm at all happy with OKC, but it seems to be the only game in town.

Non-outdoorsy bookish types can often be found playing tabletop games, participating in community music groups, reading poetry out loud at coffee shops, or volunteering with political/nonprofit/advocacy groups.

Perhaps that works for some, but this bookish man would be extremely reluctant to hit on a woman when she's clearly there for some other set activity. Online dating has just that one purpose of dating, and offers a clarity which other activities do not.

Again, online dating stinks in pretty much every respect, but it's the most viable option out there. OKC seems to be the least-terrible*.

*I will not hook up a dating app to my Facebook account because of Reasons, and I am fully aware that that's limiting my options.
posted by Capt. Renault at 2:34 PM on October 3, 2017 [6 favorites]


I'm not a man but have a million friends of exactly this type. I'd say try:
-craft fairs
-museums
-indie cinemas
-animal shelters (tons of lovely ladies volunteer at these places)
-book clubs
-gaming groups
-parties at people's houses
-libraries/bookstores
-cafes
-chill, divey bars
-music venues

I think it's fine to try to meet people through Meetup as long as you're doing it to build friendships rather than mack. It's a good way to just expand your social circle, which will widen you date pool, of course. Basic join all the stuff and do all the stuff that interests you and try to make as many friends as you can.
posted by Brain Sturgeon at 6:11 PM on October 3, 2017 [7 favorites]


I have 2 friends who met their mid 30's male partners on Hinge - it links up to Facebook but it is more serious/nerdy than Tinder.
posted by rmless at 9:51 AM on October 4, 2017 [2 favorites]


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