Can I ask her to be friends first?
July 25, 2017 11:53 PM   Subscribe

Should I put off a potential friendship with a woman i am interested in now in order to continue to work on myself, or see if she'd like to talk and get to know each other in the interim? I feel like I may miss my chance.

I'm a 30 year old guy with a history of failed quasi-relationships based on addiction and usery. I've been hard at work in both my 12 step and through daily writing on changing my core values and treating both myself and others with respect and dignity. I've also been clean for three years and have just been promoted at work. I work two jobs, have very little free time, and a small social group.

I don't want to be a child with no sense of character, integrity, morals and values. I'd like to be the man I know I was meant to be, and I'm doing the work to make that happen. At this point I don't mind being alone, and I'm not looking for sex with anyone. However, a woman I have liked for a long time, and not in the lusting after sort of way, has shown interest in me. Dating her outright is off the table, however I do feel it would be wonderful to simply be friends and to get to know each other. If feelings develop at some point, I would hope they would be based on a genuine desire for one another and not just a quick let's jump into bed just because deal. I'd like to just talk with her and really get to know who she is as a person, and am kind of thrilled at the possibility, a feeling that is fairly new to me.

I'm worried that if I choose to not accept even a friendship that I will miss an opportunity here. I also feel like I play it way too safe and that shutting people out until I'm "healed" is a little ridiculous. I will also say that I'm moving towards wanting to be in my first serious relationship, as I've not exactly had this experience.

Is it so wrong to desire a friendship and see where it goes?
posted by nurgle to Human Relations (9 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: I also feel like I play it way too safe and that shutting people out until I'm "healed" is a little ridiculous.

It's totally ridiculous. People are a work in progress and recovery is an ongoing process. You will never be healed. You are worthy of friendship today. There are no downsides to this, unless you are harbouring a crush you are not being transparent about in this post and are going to be someone who ever, ever uses the term "friend zone" if you secret dreams don't come true.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:26 AM on July 26, 2017 [14 favorites]


Best answer: Disclaimer: old fart here, didn't get into any relationship until my mid-30's (because reasons)

Good for you to be working on yourself. Frankly once you see that you can change, you won't want to stop changing, and getting into a growth mindset will not only pay off handsomely it will be something you will look for in others as well.

I don't want to be a child with no sense of character, integrity, morals and values... I'm not looking for sex with anyone. However, a woman I have liked for a long time, and not in the lusting after sort of way, has shown interest in me.

Fun fact from Captain Obvious (myself) here: you have associated casual sex with a lack of character, integrity etc. which I happen to agree with. So you can use this opportunity to learn what a platonic relationship is all about. (OMG the horrors - a relationship between a man and a woman that starts with... words? Kind actions? Thoughtful gestures? Shared experiences? Humor?)

I do feel it would be wonderful to simply be friends

Take it from this seasoned adult, by excluding members of the opposite sex to be close friends you've excluded something like half of the human race. It's okay to not have any 'serious relationship' until you find your one-and-only, that's what happened to me. But before that you will need to have friends, and close ones, of both the male and female variety.

View this opportunity to learn a third way - to relate to a female not as a sex-partner, and not as a serious romantic relationship, but to relate to a female as a good friend. This person you are asking about could be the first of many. Protip: it like having a friend who is male but it's a little different as female friends may like slightly different things, or things done in slightly different ways. Protip 2: you can just relax and be yourself, it is the genuine nurgle that people want to see and get to know, warts and history and improvement-work-in-progress and all.

I don't mean to sound condescending, and hope you don't take it that way. Your question made it seem as if there were only two choices ahead for you - jump into bed or get into a 'serious relationship'.

I'm trying to imagine my life without close relationships with females who are not my spouse, and I shudder. Best of luck to you.
posted by scooterdog at 3:47 AM on July 26, 2017 [3 favorites]


Best answer: "Friends first"? It really sounds like you are really interested in a romantic or sexual relationship with this person, but want to pursue a friendship as either a compromise or an inroad to a future relationship. Be honest with yourself about what you want here. And if you want something more than a platonic friendship, do not pursue a platonic friendship. It doesn't matter how hurt or healed you are, doing this will mess with your head and isn't fair to her, and the most likely outcome is a painful fallout where you can't even be friends.

It would be better for both of you if you just asked her out, if that's what you want. Starting a friendship with an eye on a relationship often backfires painfully.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:07 AM on July 26, 2017 [5 favorites]


Best answer: You can be friends with anyone with whom a friendship develops. Just be honest with her - "I enjoy your company and want to get to know you as a friend." And then let her decide if she wants that too.

But if you are calling her a friend when what you really want is to keep her on hold until you are ready for more than a friendship, then you are not being honest with her, i.e., not being her friend.

Do you still want to be friends with her and get to know her as a person if she is dating other people, getting into a relationship, having casual sex, getting married, etc.?
posted by headnsouth at 5:31 AM on July 26, 2017 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Ask her. Not specifically, but go out, have coffee, see movies, be honest about who you are, so she can decide how she wants to proceed.
posted by theora55 at 5:39 AM on July 26, 2017 [1 favorite]


Best answer: What if you date her and take things slow?
posted by bunderful at 5:56 AM on July 26, 2017 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Look, if she's "interested" in you in a romantic way, then intensifying your friendship with her platonically is going to make things complicated really fast. Even more so if you yourself are ambivalent about relationship/friendship. This is not just about your feelings, also about hers.

If you're not ready for a relationship, you're not ready to steer past a potential clusterfuck like this.

I got the impression that for you friendship would be a sort of "relationship lite". And...just no.

If you want to date her, date her. Be honest about your limitations and your wants. Be respectful of her and her emotional investment.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:16 AM on July 26, 2017 [1 favorite]


Best answer: The important thing here, I think, is communication - if ALL you want to be is friends, then you need to avoid projecting latent romantic feelings and/or make a move on her in the future. If your intention is to take things slow by being friends on the way to a romantic relationship, then be clear about that. Offer her the opportunity to say no, I don't want to be friends, or no I'm not willing to wait for romance that may or may not come. She should know what she's getting into.

Do not use your offer of friendship as a trojan horse to unknowingly shuffle in future intentions - let her decide if what you're looking for jives with her too.
posted by notorious medium at 6:19 AM on July 26, 2017 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I don't think your plan is fair to her. She probably wants an honest romantic relationship from the start, and essentially what you're asking her is "I know you have feelings for me...but I'm not ready to admit I have feelings for you. Can you just hang around while I work through some stuff and maybe later I'll be ready?"

When you put it that way, it really doesn't sound fair, does it? It's like you're asking her to be your stick-around backup date.

I don't know how old she is or how much her biological clock is ticking, but if she's say, early 30s and wants kids, it's likely she does not have time or inclination to mess around and "maybe see if things develop."

I think you really have to sh*t or get off the pot on this one. If you truly don't feel ready, don't push yourself to be ready. Explain that to her and let her go gently. There will be other opportunities.

On the other hand, you aren't clear on why exactly you don't "feel ready" and it's quite possible it's an irrational psychological hang up. Maybe working through it in therapy and getting an outside perspective on whether or not you are "ready enough" would be a good idea.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:19 AM on July 26, 2017 [3 favorites]


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