Relationship burnout - how to handle it?
July 23, 2017 6:13 AM   Subscribe

I believe I am currently experiencing relationship burnout. I did not recover from a hard break up and started dating without being ready.

I have made some clumsy decisions in last few months. After I broke up with my few-years-long-distance relationship (I am 26), it left me powerless and devastated. I have put all my energy and effort into making it work, but my ex still did not find it in himself to be able to open up to me, except on rare occasions when he was drunk. He suffers from social anxiety. I did everything but could not solve it, so he was mostly ignoring me and didn't want the distance to decrease, really. His job/studies is a priority, so he said ''maybe, someday, if we manage to live at the same place...'' etc., long story short, it was nasty.

In my city I met a wonderful guy and we both knew immediately we would've made a great couple. We had the connection and all it takes. But the problem is, I was - and still am - exhausted. I could not even think of having a new relationship, I became quite nihilistic and cynical about love in general, it seems to me that i do not care about anything anymore. I believe my life will be fine, I moved to another country for a year, having a good job.
But shortly after I met him, after intense hours and all night long conversation, the new guy said he wants to be with me and that he loves me. I did not feel ready for another relationship, but as I was scared to lose something great, I agreed to it.

And I should not have, on one hand. The relationship is great and all, he is very caring and affectionate, but I still feel exhausted, I do nice things for him and appreciate him a lot. It would feel right...if we met earlier or later in life, before I got damaged or after I am recovered.
I have shared my feelings about it. He claims he understands and that I should ''just give it time and he would just do anything for me in the meantime''. But it has been a long time, almost a year. And I still feel like an empty cup. Secretly I kinda want a glimpse of single life.

What would you do in this case?
posted by Salicornia to Human Relations (8 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Break up. Your last sentence says enough- the first few paragraphs aren't even necessary.
posted by ElectricGoat at 6:28 AM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


Whenever I read that someone is having a Big Issue in their relationship my question is...what steps are you taking to change it. It's been a year and so aroundish now (and now is ok, it takes a longer time than you think!) what are you doing to a) replenish your well and b) deal with your piece of your last relationship.

It does kind of sound to me like that might mean being alone for a while.

It strikes me that the past relationship as you describe it involved someone fundamentally inaccessible and now you are the inaccessible one in your new relationship. You may want to consider if, as many of us do in our twenties, you are dealing with your powerlessness in your last relationship by continuing to define "power" that way in your back brain and just flip it around to be the powerful one, rather than looking for true partnership.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:30 AM on July 23, 2017 [6 favorites]


But shortly after I met him, after intense hours and all night long conversation, the new guy said he wants to be with me and that he loves me.

Run.
posted by ftm at 6:47 AM on July 23, 2017 [8 favorites]


I think you should break up and be single for a while. The new guy actually sounds sort of pushy and like he might not actually be that amazing. When you've just come out of a long crappy relationship that messed with your head quite a bit, "not completely awful" and "amazing" are easier to mix up that you might think.

So break up with this guy and take care of yourself and enjoy yourself and refill your cup.
posted by colfax at 6:47 AM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


I was scared to lose something great, I agreed to it.

You're longing for the single-life, so there is nothing great to lose.

I completely understand the appeal for you here: you put forth all the effort in your last relationship and now you're with somebody who is willing to do the same for you. It's safer for you this way.

But being willing to put forth effort just means he can be a good partner (ignoring the potential red flags already pointed out) to someone, but that someone may not be you. And after a year it sounds like he's still not doing it for you. Whether it's him not being the right person for you or you not being in the right head space, it doesn't matter. It's time to move on.
posted by ghost phoneme at 7:54 AM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


I was scared to lose something great, I agreed to it.

That's not how it works, you can't put it in Tupperware for later. The start of good relationships is a right time/right place thing, and it's just a fact of pretty much every person's life that they're sometimes going to meet people who are compatible but one of them is just not ready or is in the middle of some other major life event, and you cannot force readiness. It won't stick, as you're seeing now.

(And this is true of a lot of things, not just relationships. Jobs, educational programs, quitting smoking, starting an exercise program that sticks. You gotta be in the right frame of mind, and the thing has to suit who you are and what you have going on at the time. A great job at one point in your life would be a nightmare job at another. That's just life.)

There's an additional deal here where this guy took mere limerence and ran with it and just kind of towed you along, and that rarely sticks either.

This is what dating is for: you see someone until you realize it's not going to work. You realize that now, and so you need to stop seeing this person.

Now, I am super skeeved out by what feels like this guy gaslighting you when you are trying to express your disinterest, though I suppose there's a small chance he thinks he's being helpful or he's just kind of dense. You need to stop hinting and simply say, "I wish you well in the future, but I am not interested in being in this relationship any longer. It's not negotiable, I am exiting now." If you need to get a friend on standby for backup, arrange that before you do it, in case he continues to try to negotiate "waiting", which is not what you are asking for. Going away is what you're asking for.

Set him free to go find someone who is a better fit for him. (In my experience, these guys always married the girl after me, having really clarified what they were and weren't looking for.)
posted by Lyn Never at 9:46 AM on July 23, 2017 [3 favorites]


You're not going to get his approval to break up with him, but you can have ours. It's fine to want to be single and it's fine to break up with someone nice just because you want to be single. Just tell him "I need to be by myself right now, this isn't about you, I don't want to be in this relationship anymore" and leave. That's it. That's literally all it takes.

Then enjoy being able to do exactly what you want, and not having to consider a boyfriend's input on it, for as long as you want.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:22 AM on July 23, 2017 [1 favorite]


It almost sounds like you are doing to him, what your ex did to you.

If that sounds familiar, maybe you have not fully let go of your ex and your feelings towards that breakup, and that is what you need space to do.
posted by Dashy at 1:04 PM on July 23, 2017


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