Love on the spectrum - guidelines
July 8, 2017 2:21 PM Subscribe
I'm nearly 50, I'm a high-functioning autistic, I've been divorced (from a long bad marriage) for 6 years, I've had flings and friendships, and bad (very bad) dates, and for the first time, there is a man who wants to commit to me - and he drives me crazy and not in a good way. What should I do?
I've always struggled maintaining friendships and relationships and this is the opposite so that should be good, right? Except it's not.
He is always fussing over me and getting in my way. If I'm dressing, he'll come and "help", adjust my bra straps before I've finished settling my breasts in place, and be always standing just where I'm about to go. In bed, he pulls the covers up over me when I'm reaching, but further than I want them to go - why can't I just cover myself? He wants to make my every meal, do my shopping, criticise my boss / adult kids if he percieves them as not treating me well enough. I feel smothered, but this has been my only opportunity to partner up in 6 years, to share costs and chores and have someone to rely on when either of us are sick. He has had a long bad marriage too and has been unemployed for a long time, and its left him a bit bitter - everything is because people are rich, or selfish, or vindictive or stupid. He is trying to tone down his pessimism for me. I am not trying to do anything for him except tolerate him.
He is insanely happy (he says) with me, he is effusive in his affection (which I feel guilty for not returning - though he doesn't hold that against me), he has a higher libido than mine (which I've never come across before, and has been initially good, but now...).
Our leases run out in about 6 months. If we move in together, we could both enjoy a higher quality of life by sharing costs, and I would have someone catering to every whim, shopping, budgeting, cooking my meals, doing my washing, proper massages any time I want. Being on the spectrum, I struggle with executive function and getting my chores done. He would have a companion, sex partner and better quality of life. I'm concerned about the plans to move in together, that if I change my mind he will be devastated. I feel like he's tying his future happiness to me, and in fact, since we met, he's got out a lot more, met people, had fun, sex etc, for the first time in years.
We share a love of trivia, language, music (he earned his living playing guitar and singing for many years).
But over the last 6 years, I met 3 men that I felt far more excited about than I have felt for him. For various reasons, those friendships ended (twice because they felt I wasn't right for them, and the most recent, which lasted 3 years, I ended because this guy came along, and was more available and willing to be exclusive, which my dear friend isn't).
It's probably pretty obvious to Askme what I should do, about this man, my lovelife in general and my problems with household chores but I haven't got a clue. I really don't. It seems sensible to be with him, so why am I so resistant? I have longed for a partner for years. I struggle with dating - partly, i think, because I've been particularly vulnerable to unscrupulous men. Sometimes I've been raped. Sometimes I've been financially taken advantage of. I've been beaten and abused. But I have kept trying because of reasons above.
Can you clarify what's going on?
I've always struggled maintaining friendships and relationships and this is the opposite so that should be good, right? Except it's not.
He is always fussing over me and getting in my way. If I'm dressing, he'll come and "help", adjust my bra straps before I've finished settling my breasts in place, and be always standing just where I'm about to go. In bed, he pulls the covers up over me when I'm reaching, but further than I want them to go - why can't I just cover myself? He wants to make my every meal, do my shopping, criticise my boss / adult kids if he percieves them as not treating me well enough. I feel smothered, but this has been my only opportunity to partner up in 6 years, to share costs and chores and have someone to rely on when either of us are sick. He has had a long bad marriage too and has been unemployed for a long time, and its left him a bit bitter - everything is because people are rich, or selfish, or vindictive or stupid. He is trying to tone down his pessimism for me. I am not trying to do anything for him except tolerate him.
He is insanely happy (he says) with me, he is effusive in his affection (which I feel guilty for not returning - though he doesn't hold that against me), he has a higher libido than mine (which I've never come across before, and has been initially good, but now...).
Our leases run out in about 6 months. If we move in together, we could both enjoy a higher quality of life by sharing costs, and I would have someone catering to every whim, shopping, budgeting, cooking my meals, doing my washing, proper massages any time I want. Being on the spectrum, I struggle with executive function and getting my chores done. He would have a companion, sex partner and better quality of life. I'm concerned about the plans to move in together, that if I change my mind he will be devastated. I feel like he's tying his future happiness to me, and in fact, since we met, he's got out a lot more, met people, had fun, sex etc, for the first time in years.
We share a love of trivia, language, music (he earned his living playing guitar and singing for many years).
But over the last 6 years, I met 3 men that I felt far more excited about than I have felt for him. For various reasons, those friendships ended (twice because they felt I wasn't right for them, and the most recent, which lasted 3 years, I ended because this guy came along, and was more available and willing to be exclusive, which my dear friend isn't).
It's probably pretty obvious to Askme what I should do, about this man, my lovelife in general and my problems with household chores but I haven't got a clue. I really don't. It seems sensible to be with him, so why am I so resistant? I have longed for a partner for years. I struggle with dating - partly, i think, because I've been particularly vulnerable to unscrupulous men. Sometimes I've been raped. Sometimes I've been financially taken advantage of. I've been beaten and abused. But I have kept trying because of reasons above.
Can you clarify what's going on?
I feel smothered
You're going to continue to feel smothered, all the time, every day. How appealing is that? How much do you want to just tolerate your partner, rather than be super excited about them?
over the last 6 years, I met 3 men that I felt far more excited about than I have felt for him
and there are more out there, I promise. It's easy to feel like someone is your only chance, but reading this paragraph it doesn't seem that way at all.
Don't settle. Break it off, stop feeling smothered, and find another guy (or person of whatever genders you're interested in) and see what happens. Don't spend your life feeling smothered and trying to tolerate someone you're not that into, it'll just get worse.
posted by bile and syntax at 3:04 PM on July 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
You're going to continue to feel smothered, all the time, every day. How appealing is that? How much do you want to just tolerate your partner, rather than be super excited about them?
over the last 6 years, I met 3 men that I felt far more excited about than I have felt for him
and there are more out there, I promise. It's easy to feel like someone is your only chance, but reading this paragraph it doesn't seem that way at all.
Don't settle. Break it off, stop feeling smothered, and find another guy (or person of whatever genders you're interested in) and see what happens. Don't spend your life feeling smothered and trying to tolerate someone you're not that into, it'll just get worse.
posted by bile and syntax at 3:04 PM on July 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
Being frequently and minutely controlled and annoyed sounds like a very heavy price to pay for having chores done and checking off the "partner" box. He sounds like a haunt.
I think your emotional and mental health will suffer if you stay in this relationship. Don't worry about him; he can do that on his own as a grownup.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 3:30 PM on July 8, 2017 [12 favorites]
I think your emotional and mental health will suffer if you stay in this relationship. Don't worry about him; he can do that on his own as a grownup.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 3:30 PM on July 8, 2017 [12 favorites]
You are doing both yourself and this man a disservice by even considering moving in with him. Both of you deserve to be loved and appreciated as you are. You can barely tolerate this guy. That's not fair to him and it's not fair to you.
So please, OP, do not move in with this man. He will only get more annoying over time to you, while another person might be thrilled and delighted with his manner. Also, it is not your job to make him happy. It is your job to make yourself happy. Kindly consider breaking up with him. Then spend time with your dear friend, because he's a dear friend, and do other pleasurable, satisfying, friendship-developing activities that serve the life you want, not the life you feel stuck with.
I've been single by choice for about 15 months. I've started dating again recently. My main goal is and continues to be investing in building a full, rich life on my own--which apparently makes me more appealing to emotionally healthy, emotionally mature adults. Who are the type of partners I want to attract. So it's a win-win!
Of course, there's no guarantee that I will find the RIGHT person ever. (I'm a poly person, who doesn't want a primary partner, so I'm less worried about that than you may be.) Or any person who is a good fit for me as a lover and friend. But that's okay. It's my life, and I'm happy with who I'm becoming. These days I have more than ever to offer myself--which I think is important for single folks. And if I meet someone in the future, that's awesome. It's also gravy.
I struggle with executive function and getting my chores done.
Me, too! And it appears, based on other questions, that plenty of folks on MetaFilter also have executive function issues. In my case, it's because I have ADHD. (My medicine is helpful but it doesn't make me magically neurotypical.) So I use some of the ADHD productivity techniques people have written about in Ask, and have various work buddies (we don't nag each other but do share goals and accomplishments), etc. PM me if you'd like specific productivity tips or links.
You don't have to give up your personal autonomy and put up with annoying behaviour to get help with your brain issues and your chores. There are other options. Please consider them.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:47 PM on July 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
So please, OP, do not move in with this man. He will only get more annoying over time to you, while another person might be thrilled and delighted with his manner. Also, it is not your job to make him happy. It is your job to make yourself happy. Kindly consider breaking up with him. Then spend time with your dear friend, because he's a dear friend, and do other pleasurable, satisfying, friendship-developing activities that serve the life you want, not the life you feel stuck with.
I've been single by choice for about 15 months. I've started dating again recently. My main goal is and continues to be investing in building a full, rich life on my own--which apparently makes me more appealing to emotionally healthy, emotionally mature adults. Who are the type of partners I want to attract. So it's a win-win!
Of course, there's no guarantee that I will find the RIGHT person ever. (I'm a poly person, who doesn't want a primary partner, so I'm less worried about that than you may be.) Or any person who is a good fit for me as a lover and friend. But that's okay. It's my life, and I'm happy with who I'm becoming. These days I have more than ever to offer myself--which I think is important for single folks. And if I meet someone in the future, that's awesome. It's also gravy.
I struggle with executive function and getting my chores done.
Me, too! And it appears, based on other questions, that plenty of folks on MetaFilter also have executive function issues. In my case, it's because I have ADHD. (My medicine is helpful but it doesn't make me magically neurotypical.) So I use some of the ADHD productivity techniques people have written about in Ask, and have various work buddies (we don't nag each other but do share goals and accomplishments), etc. PM me if you'd like specific productivity tips or links.
You don't have to give up your personal autonomy and put up with annoying behaviour to get help with your brain issues and your chores. There are other options. Please consider them.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:47 PM on July 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you really want to be in a relationship, but not particularly with him.
posted by bunderful at 3:57 PM on July 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by bunderful at 3:57 PM on July 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
You should dump this man and get a housekeeper.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 5:11 PM on July 8, 2017 [16 favorites]
posted by Snarl Furillo at 5:11 PM on July 8, 2017 [16 favorites]
If we move in together, we could both enjoy a higher quality of life by sharing costs, and I would have someone catering to every whim, shopping, budgeting, cooking my meals, doing my washing, proper massages any time I want. Being on the spectrum, I struggle with executive function and getting my chores done.
These are not good enough reasons to commit to someone who annoys you to this extent. It will be very shitty if you do so.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 12:41 AM on July 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
These are not good enough reasons to commit to someone who annoys you to this extent. It will be very shitty if you do so.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 12:41 AM on July 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Can you clarify what's going on?
You are dating someone you don't particularly like. You don't like him because you can feel that under the veneer of niceness, he is angry and controlling. A truly nice guy wouldn't keep doing things that bother you after you've asked him to stop.
If you can afford to, hire a house cleaner. If you can't afford it, check out FlyLady and Unfuck Your Habitat. Don't move in with this guy. You should break up with him. Remember that a break-up is a unilateral decision, so you don't have to get him to agree with you: you can just tell him that you're breaking up with him. And then go no contact and remember that adults are responsible for their own lives and emotions, so you're not responsible for his happiness.
posted by colfax at 7:05 AM on July 9, 2017 [11 favorites]
You are dating someone you don't particularly like. You don't like him because you can feel that under the veneer of niceness, he is angry and controlling. A truly nice guy wouldn't keep doing things that bother you after you've asked him to stop.
If you can afford to, hire a house cleaner. If you can't afford it, check out FlyLady and Unfuck Your Habitat. Don't move in with this guy. You should break up with him. Remember that a break-up is a unilateral decision, so you don't have to get him to agree with you: you can just tell him that you're breaking up with him. And then go no contact and remember that adults are responsible for their own lives and emotions, so you're not responsible for his happiness.
posted by colfax at 7:05 AM on July 9, 2017 [11 favorites]
He is always fussing over me and getting in my way. If I'm dressing, he'll come and "help", adjust my bra straps before I've finished settling my breasts in place, and be always standing just where I'm about to go. In bed, he pulls the covers up over me when I'm reaching, but further than I want them to go - why can't I just cover myself? He wants to make my every meal, do my shopping, criticise my boss / adult kids if he percieves them as not treating me well enough. I feel smothered, but this has been my only opportunity to partner up in 6 years, to share costs and chores and have someone to rely on when either of us are sick.
so does this mean you feel unsafe/unable to tell him frankly to stop putting his hands on you all of the time and to back off a bit generally? like if you tell him you hate this stuff and it has to stop immediately, do you think he would either explode or break up with you,, so that you just have to tolerate it unless you're willing to make it a break-up fight? because I can read this two ways -- he does sound from your description like he might be a highly sensitive type who, as happy as he says he is with you now, would turn on a dime to rage and despair if criticized. If this is the reason you can't talk to him about it, get out of the relationship and get someone else to be there when you leave him if you feel like it's necessary. You mention horrifying treatment from other men in the past as a reason for putting up with this now -- I can't tell if you just mean you feel obligated to be grateful for someone who isn't an abusive rapist, whatever their other qualities, or if you mean it has made you sensitive to when you can stand up to a man and when it is dangerous.
Or if you actually did say something about not liking this over-close behavior, feeling controlled and smothered, and he heard you but didn't stop, get out no matter what.
and finally, do you like him? like at all? can you imagine liking him more if he stopped touching you and smothering you all the time? you talk like this is just the price you have to pay in order to have this particular guy in your home and life. but you can negotiate the terms even of buying a car; it is expected that you negotiate the terms of acquiring a boyfriend. you are entitled to do this before moving in with him and if you don't decide to break up, you really, really should.
this is something he likes to do; it isn't something he has to do. I can tell from reading this that your feelings are hurt, for lack of a better phrase, far more by him doing this than his would be by you telling him to stop. This is intolerable to you; don't force yourself to tolerate it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:13 AM on July 9, 2017 [3 favorites]
If I'm dressing, he'll come and "help", adjust my bra straps
I know it takes all kinds, but unless you've got physical issues that make it difficult to dress yourself, his behavior sounds weird and horrible (and like you're dating Gary from Veep).
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:37 AM on July 9, 2017 [8 favorites]
I know it takes all kinds, but unless you've got physical issues that make it difficult to dress yourself, his behavior sounds weird and horrible (and like you're dating Gary from Veep).
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:37 AM on July 9, 2017 [8 favorites]
You really should not move in with someone unless you really, really like them a lot and find being with them makes good times better and difficult times less difficult. You don't sound like you feel that way about this guy at all, so moving in with him would probably end up making you miserable. Do you want to be miserable?
Having no partner is much better than having a bad one. I get that you want a good partner in your life—heck, I'm in the same boat—but don't settle for a crappy or mediocre one. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you unhappy.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:20 AM on July 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
Having no partner is much better than having a bad one. I get that you want a good partner in your life—heck, I'm in the same boat—but don't settle for a crappy or mediocre one. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you unhappy.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:20 AM on July 9, 2017 [4 favorites]
Your mileage may vary, but that sounds like an unbearable situation to me. If you don't like him now and his presence is getting on your nerves, it will be ten thousand times worse when he's there all of the time. Plus, if you do want him to move out eventually, it will be hard to displace him. He also sounds very negative and angry.
Nthing the other comments that having no partner is much better than having one you don't like. If you can afford it, I'd see about hiring people to help with the executive function stuff. You can also pay people to do things like be your medical power of attorney.
posted by dancing_angel at 9:21 AM on July 9, 2017
Nthing the other comments that having no partner is much better than having one you don't like. If you can afford it, I'd see about hiring people to help with the executive function stuff. You can also pay people to do things like be your medical power of attorney.
posted by dancing_angel at 9:21 AM on July 9, 2017
Also, you CAN keep dating w/o moving in together. (I will never, ever understand why people feel like they have to live together after like 5 minutes of dating. Bananas.)
posted by tristeza at 10:43 AM on July 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by tristeza at 10:43 AM on July 9, 2017 [1 favorite]
OP, your instincts are telling you what's wrong with the situation: he's moving too fast, he's being too nice, too needy, too pushy. Just too, too much. Trust your instincts. There is something off about his behavior here, and you know it.
I've been there. Your fella is trying too hard because he is so needy. He's trying to smother you (which is a nicer-sounding euphemism for trying to control you) because, again, he needs you - well, not you, actually, he has an idealized image of the person he wants/needs, and he'll do his darndest to mold you into that person, whether you like it or not. That isn't fun. And all that smothering affection and attention it isn't really for you or about you, after all - it's about him, what he wants and needs. Needy guys tend to get very, very angry when their all-out effort to Be Nice to You doesn't get the response they want. When that happens, they blow up. It's disturbing, it's scary, it can even be threatening.
You recognize there's something off with him. Trust yourself here. Don't move in with him. I understand your need to manage your expenses and get help with your executive stuff, but you know what? It'd be safer and simpler to find a plain ole roommate who agreed to share a home and provide mutual assistance, than to enter into a romantic relationship that doesn't feel authentically right nor romantic from the get-go. Especially with a person who is making your skin crawl.
Don't.
posted by Lunaloon at 1:39 PM on July 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
I've been there. Your fella is trying too hard because he is so needy. He's trying to smother you (which is a nicer-sounding euphemism for trying to control you) because, again, he needs you - well, not you, actually, he has an idealized image of the person he wants/needs, and he'll do his darndest to mold you into that person, whether you like it or not. That isn't fun. And all that smothering affection and attention it isn't really for you or about you, after all - it's about him, what he wants and needs. Needy guys tend to get very, very angry when their all-out effort to Be Nice to You doesn't get the response they want. When that happens, they blow up. It's disturbing, it's scary, it can even be threatening.
You recognize there's something off with him. Trust yourself here. Don't move in with him. I understand your need to manage your expenses and get help with your executive stuff, but you know what? It'd be safer and simpler to find a plain ole roommate who agreed to share a home and provide mutual assistance, than to enter into a romantic relationship that doesn't feel authentically right nor romantic from the get-go. Especially with a person who is making your skin crawl.
Don't.
posted by Lunaloon at 1:39 PM on July 10, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You've been much more enthused about other partners. You will feel that way again, and perhaps those opportunities (which may not present themselves while you are tied to this lackluster fussbudget) may pan out.
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:01 PM on July 8, 2017 [15 favorites]