can i get him back even though he's seeing other people?
June 25, 2017 8:20 PM Subscribe
I broke up with a guy after five months because he wasn't fully committing to the relationship, but in retrospect I think I acted impulsively because I was afraid he was losing interest and about to reject me. We've hung out twice since the break up and both times were amazing. I want to get back with him but he no longer will commit to being exclusive. Is there any hope of getting back into an exclusive relationship with him?
I wrote about this situation in a previous question, in the more immediate wake of the breakup. I'm a 32 year old woman, was dating a 35 year old guy for about five months. I was anxious the whole time, I think because I put him on a pedestal, thought he was so hot and cool, and the sex was amazing. I was always afraid he was going to reject me. These are my own issues. We were proceeding incrementally, but he had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship and wanted to take it slowly. We agreed to be exclusive after about a month. At four months, I asked if he was my boyfriend and he agreed, with some reservations, again wanting to take things slow.
The dynamic between us deteriorated due to me pressuring him. Only the last three weeks were bad in this way. We were supposed to go on a camping trip and he ended up being indecisive about it and ultimately not wanting to know because of all the serious conversations and conflict we'd been having. Basically, I was super easily triggered by perceived slights, and always was worried he was losing interest or about to reject me. When he flaked on the trip, I freaked out and asked him if we were still okay, were we still dating, etc, and he wouldn't really answer me, which made me spiral further. He was put off by my behavior and started distancing himself more and not wanting to make plans ahead of time. After a few weeks of feeling like I was a burden to him, and was putting all the effort in to keeping the relationship going, I said "I don't think we should do this anymore," and he agreed we didn't seem to be on the same page with what we wanted from the relationship. He said he'd just come from a serious relationship and got freaked out when I started pushing for something more serious and steady, because he felt like it wouldn't be good for him to go straight from one relationship into another.
We kept talking about it over the next week and finally he said he wanted to keep seeing me but wanted to be free to see other people. I said that wouldn't work for me and that I'd need at least 30 days of no contact. I regretted initiating the breakup immediately-- I felt like it was impulsive, due to my anxiety that he was about to reject me. So after 30 days I got back in touch with him and told him this, and we ended up hanging out. He stipulated that he wanted to see me again but that we couldn't return to the same place we were in at the end of our relationship-- that all the heavy relationship talks had ruined our dynamic, and even when we weren't talking about the relationship, my dissatisfaction with him and how quickly the relationship was progressing hung over all our interactions. So we agreed to try to do a "fresh start" and just enjoy each other's company and see how it went.
HOWEVER, nothing had changed about his desire to be free to see other people. Which I really can't handle. He's always been monogamous so it's a new thing for him too, but he said he really values his freedom right now and had been in a string of long term relationships and never got a chance to just date a bunch of people. Both times we've hung out have been incredible, he's been super affectionate, the sex is even better than before. The other night when we were together, though, I started doing some batshit behavior. I'm a jealous person and I had been monitoring his instagram and knew about the girl he was interested in, so I started asking about her, and then asking about other people he was seeing, and basically spent a few hours trying to negotiate and manipulate him into being exclusive with me again, giving it a try, why not, our connection is so great. He said he likes me a lot and the sex is great and nothing is missing in terms of his attraction to me. I told him I'm in love with him. He said that made him feel good, but nervous, and that he was cautious about saying that to anyone.
In the morning I looked through his phone at the texts he'd been sending other girls and got super jealous and confronted him about it, which was crazy because that's the agreement we have. I said it wouldn't work for me, that I love him and want to see only him but only if he's not seeing other people. We had sex again. I kept pressing him to just tell me there was no hope of a relationship, that he had no desire to be exclusive with me, and I'd move on. He wouldn't answer and started crying. He said he needed some time to think about it but he would let me know, and to forget about it for now.
So.. is there any way to salvage this??? I've been totally out of control and am basically addicted to him. He's made his desires very clear but has also implied that we could go back to being exclusive and potentially in a relationship if the "dynamic" between us stays good and doesn't go back to where it was before. But I feel like it's nearly impossible for me to stay chill and fun when we're not exclusive. Also, he said he hasn't slept with anyone else yet (minus one girl he slept with a few times while we weren't in contact) but that he would let me know as soon as "something happened."
I'm ashamed of my behavior and have basically given up all my dignity in this situation because I want to get back with him so badly. I can't get over the fact that I broke up with him. I should have appreciated what I had-- exclusivity, regular hanging out--rather than being so inflexible about pushing the relationship along. I feel like this is kind of a lost cause, but he does give me crumbs of hope and we do have a great time together, and he seems oddly tolerant of my crazy behavior. I would do anything to make it work with him. Would it be at all worthwhile to keep seeing him while he's seeing other people, and maybe he'll decide that he does want to date only me, or is that totally insane to consider??
I wrote about this situation in a previous question, in the more immediate wake of the breakup. I'm a 32 year old woman, was dating a 35 year old guy for about five months. I was anxious the whole time, I think because I put him on a pedestal, thought he was so hot and cool, and the sex was amazing. I was always afraid he was going to reject me. These are my own issues. We were proceeding incrementally, but he had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship and wanted to take it slowly. We agreed to be exclusive after about a month. At four months, I asked if he was my boyfriend and he agreed, with some reservations, again wanting to take things slow.
The dynamic between us deteriorated due to me pressuring him. Only the last three weeks were bad in this way. We were supposed to go on a camping trip and he ended up being indecisive about it and ultimately not wanting to know because of all the serious conversations and conflict we'd been having. Basically, I was super easily triggered by perceived slights, and always was worried he was losing interest or about to reject me. When he flaked on the trip, I freaked out and asked him if we were still okay, were we still dating, etc, and he wouldn't really answer me, which made me spiral further. He was put off by my behavior and started distancing himself more and not wanting to make plans ahead of time. After a few weeks of feeling like I was a burden to him, and was putting all the effort in to keeping the relationship going, I said "I don't think we should do this anymore," and he agreed we didn't seem to be on the same page with what we wanted from the relationship. He said he'd just come from a serious relationship and got freaked out when I started pushing for something more serious and steady, because he felt like it wouldn't be good for him to go straight from one relationship into another.
We kept talking about it over the next week and finally he said he wanted to keep seeing me but wanted to be free to see other people. I said that wouldn't work for me and that I'd need at least 30 days of no contact. I regretted initiating the breakup immediately-- I felt like it was impulsive, due to my anxiety that he was about to reject me. So after 30 days I got back in touch with him and told him this, and we ended up hanging out. He stipulated that he wanted to see me again but that we couldn't return to the same place we were in at the end of our relationship-- that all the heavy relationship talks had ruined our dynamic, and even when we weren't talking about the relationship, my dissatisfaction with him and how quickly the relationship was progressing hung over all our interactions. So we agreed to try to do a "fresh start" and just enjoy each other's company and see how it went.
HOWEVER, nothing had changed about his desire to be free to see other people. Which I really can't handle. He's always been monogamous so it's a new thing for him too, but he said he really values his freedom right now and had been in a string of long term relationships and never got a chance to just date a bunch of people. Both times we've hung out have been incredible, he's been super affectionate, the sex is even better than before. The other night when we were together, though, I started doing some batshit behavior. I'm a jealous person and I had been monitoring his instagram and knew about the girl he was interested in, so I started asking about her, and then asking about other people he was seeing, and basically spent a few hours trying to negotiate and manipulate him into being exclusive with me again, giving it a try, why not, our connection is so great. He said he likes me a lot and the sex is great and nothing is missing in terms of his attraction to me. I told him I'm in love with him. He said that made him feel good, but nervous, and that he was cautious about saying that to anyone.
In the morning I looked through his phone at the texts he'd been sending other girls and got super jealous and confronted him about it, which was crazy because that's the agreement we have. I said it wouldn't work for me, that I love him and want to see only him but only if he's not seeing other people. We had sex again. I kept pressing him to just tell me there was no hope of a relationship, that he had no desire to be exclusive with me, and I'd move on. He wouldn't answer and started crying. He said he needed some time to think about it but he would let me know, and to forget about it for now.
So.. is there any way to salvage this??? I've been totally out of control and am basically addicted to him. He's made his desires very clear but has also implied that we could go back to being exclusive and potentially in a relationship if the "dynamic" between us stays good and doesn't go back to where it was before. But I feel like it's nearly impossible for me to stay chill and fun when we're not exclusive. Also, he said he hasn't slept with anyone else yet (minus one girl he slept with a few times while we weren't in contact) but that he would let me know as soon as "something happened."
I'm ashamed of my behavior and have basically given up all my dignity in this situation because I want to get back with him so badly. I can't get over the fact that I broke up with him. I should have appreciated what I had-- exclusivity, regular hanging out--rather than being so inflexible about pushing the relationship along. I feel like this is kind of a lost cause, but he does give me crumbs of hope and we do have a great time together, and he seems oddly tolerant of my crazy behavior. I would do anything to make it work with him. Would it be at all worthwhile to keep seeing him while he's seeing other people, and maybe he'll decide that he does want to date only me, or is that totally insane to consider??
Brainmouse got it in one. He's just not into you and there's no way of manipulating someone into an exclusive relationship, and why would you want to? Find someone who only has eyes for you and you don't have to harangue into making it exclusive.
posted by Jubey at 8:31 PM on June 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 8:31 PM on June 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
You might want to check out the book Attached, by Levine and Heller. I'm guessing parts of it might resonate
Regardless, this isn't going to magically get better if you try again - it sounds like your needs are not aligned with what he's willing to give, and trying to twist yourself into what he wants is not going to make you happy.
posted by scrute at 8:31 PM on June 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Regardless, this isn't going to magically get better if you try again - it sounds like your needs are not aligned with what he's willing to give, and trying to twist yourself into what he wants is not going to make you happy.
posted by scrute at 8:31 PM on June 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Your impulse to break up with him was absolutely dead on. You made the right decision, now you just need to stick to it. There's no prize for being a cool girl who's willing to give up her own needs for the sake of being in a relationship. You made it clear what you needed, he wasn't able to provide that for you, you need to move on. There's absolutely nothing to salvage here, and really, you need to let go and realize that you've dodged a bullet. The right guy will not need to be manipulated into wanting to commit to you - it will all come much more naturally.
posted by peacheater at 8:44 PM on June 25, 2017 [21 favorites]
posted by peacheater at 8:44 PM on June 25, 2017 [21 favorites]
I dated this kind of dude. He finally caved and agreed to be exclusive. He cheated on me about a month later. You can't make someone want something and you're setting yourself up to be hurt.
posted by AFABulous at 8:50 PM on June 25, 2017 [16 favorites]
posted by AFABulous at 8:50 PM on June 25, 2017 [16 favorites]
Ultimately, it doesn't really matter if this dude is the most amazing guy in the history of the world, ever: It's abundantly clear that he is very bad for you. A 'lesser man' may actually be a better boyfriend for you OP, because he will give you the kind of things you need and want to flourish, even if he's objectively not as amazing.
Something that might be worth considering as it pertains to your question OP - I think this is a bit of a generalised phenomenon, but it can be especially negative in people that have low self-esteems or a poor image of themselves. Sometimes when people have a poor view of themselves, they will seek out others to 'validate' that image of themselves, or interact with others in such a way that these fears/poor self-image are realised - in the process confirming and strengthening this negative self view (e.g dating people that don't think highly of them, setting up "tests" with the secret goal of their partner failing)
I cant' help wondering if perhaps some of your attraction to this guy is because your relationship with him validates a certain view you have of yourself, and some of his behaviours enable you to engage in jealousy. I feel like your post is riddled with thinking like "Why shouldn't I be insecure? He wants to date other people!". This is true, but the answer is not to continue feeling insecure; it's to date someone who makes you feel the opposite, and there are people who will do that, I promise.
Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 8:57 PM on June 25, 2017 [21 favorites]
Something that might be worth considering as it pertains to your question OP - I think this is a bit of a generalised phenomenon, but it can be especially negative in people that have low self-esteems or a poor image of themselves. Sometimes when people have a poor view of themselves, they will seek out others to 'validate' that image of themselves, or interact with others in such a way that these fears/poor self-image are realised - in the process confirming and strengthening this negative self view (e.g dating people that don't think highly of them, setting up "tests" with the secret goal of their partner failing)
I cant' help wondering if perhaps some of your attraction to this guy is because your relationship with him validates a certain view you have of yourself, and some of his behaviours enable you to engage in jealousy. I feel like your post is riddled with thinking like "Why shouldn't I be insecure? He wants to date other people!". This is true, but the answer is not to continue feeling insecure; it's to date someone who makes you feel the opposite, and there are people who will do that, I promise.
Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 8:57 PM on June 25, 2017 [21 favorites]
You deserve better than to be all desperate and crazy and hoping against hope that he might magically start to love you the way that you want and deserve to be loved. Joining the chorus - he is not the one. No matter how close it seemed in the beginning, now you can see that this one is not going to work. Move on.
Bonus suggestion - work on yourself, especially the anxiety (which leads to jealous and crazy behavior) so that next time you can more fully be the person you want to be which will help attract the person you deserve.
posted by metahawk at 8:57 PM on June 25, 2017
Bonus suggestion - work on yourself, especially the anxiety (which leads to jealous and crazy behavior) so that next time you can more fully be the person you want to be which will help attract the person you deserve.
posted by metahawk at 8:57 PM on June 25, 2017
but he does give me crumbs of hope
Take it from someone who wasted many years of her life on guys who gave her crumbs of hope, attention, affection, etc., you don't want crumbs, you want a meal. You and this guy don't want the same things and there's nothing you can do to change that. Let him go and keep dating until you find a guy who genuinely wants to be with you and only you.
posted by orange swan at 9:00 PM on June 25, 2017 [31 favorites]
Take it from someone who wasted many years of her life on guys who gave her crumbs of hope, attention, affection, etc., you don't want crumbs, you want a meal. You and this guy don't want the same things and there's nothing you can do to change that. Let him go and keep dating until you find a guy who genuinely wants to be with you and only you.
posted by orange swan at 9:00 PM on June 25, 2017 [31 favorites]
Pssst. I have a secret for you: He's not that great.
I'm sure he's good looking and charming, but this outside observer also sees a selfish and cruel jerk! Fuck the way he's "letting" you hurt yourself over him!! I don't care what he's stipulated or been upfront about. He knows he is hurting you. He knows he will never commit to you (or probably anyone) in the foreseeable future. He knows he is breaking your heart, and he keeps sleeping with you anyway.
He's gross. The way he treats you, a fellow human being with feelings, is manipulative and unattractive. Block, delete, move on.
Focus on yourself and forget this clown. He's not who you think he is.
posted by jbenben at 9:07 PM on June 25, 2017 [28 favorites]
I'm sure he's good looking and charming, but this outside observer also sees a selfish and cruel jerk! Fuck the way he's "letting" you hurt yourself over him!! I don't care what he's stipulated or been upfront about. He knows he is hurting you. He knows he will never commit to you (or probably anyone) in the foreseeable future. He knows he is breaking your heart, and he keeps sleeping with you anyway.
He's gross. The way he treats you, a fellow human being with feelings, is manipulative and unattractive. Block, delete, move on.
Focus on yourself and forget this clown. He's not who you think he is.
posted by jbenben at 9:07 PM on June 25, 2017 [28 favorites]
Eek, no, this is not salvageable. He doesn't want what you want. He's okay dealing with you (e.g. talking to you, hanging out with you, sleeping with you) in the meantime, but listen -- he doesn't want what you want. In fact, he never did. And I doubt he ever will.
posted by sm1tten at 9:07 PM on June 25, 2017
posted by sm1tten at 9:07 PM on June 25, 2017
I would do anything to make it work with him.
When it isn't working and you start thinking that, that's precisely the moment you need to walk. If he were a decent human being, he wouldn't be willing to have sex with you while you two are figuring this out. He's getting what he wants and withholding what you want. That's trash person behavior.
Imagine if I tell you that I'll do anything to get you to make me dinner, and your first response is that you're not going to make me dinner but you'd really appreciate it if I did your dishes. I should probably not expect dinner in exchange for doing chores, even if they are kitchen-adjacent, and you wouldn't be a good person for taking advantage of the situation to get me to do your housework. If you were my friend, you might help me find another way to get dinner, but you would not ask me to do things for you until I was no longer in that desperate position.
There is no way that a decent and respectable man looks at a woman who is openly desperate for a relationship with him and proposes this kind of arrangement. Apply the same circumstances to anything else two people could ask of each other, and it becomes blatantly obvious. If you'd been okay in the first place with non-exclusive, his behavior wouldn't necessarily be a problem; the fact that he knows you're not okay with this is what makes this completely repellent.
posted by Sequence at 9:31 PM on June 25, 2017 [14 favorites]
When it isn't working and you start thinking that, that's precisely the moment you need to walk. If he were a decent human being, he wouldn't be willing to have sex with you while you two are figuring this out. He's getting what he wants and withholding what you want. That's trash person behavior.
Imagine if I tell you that I'll do anything to get you to make me dinner, and your first response is that you're not going to make me dinner but you'd really appreciate it if I did your dishes. I should probably not expect dinner in exchange for doing chores, even if they are kitchen-adjacent, and you wouldn't be a good person for taking advantage of the situation to get me to do your housework. If you were my friend, you might help me find another way to get dinner, but you would not ask me to do things for you until I was no longer in that desperate position.
There is no way that a decent and respectable man looks at a woman who is openly desperate for a relationship with him and proposes this kind of arrangement. Apply the same circumstances to anything else two people could ask of each other, and it becomes blatantly obvious. If you'd been okay in the first place with non-exclusive, his behavior wouldn't necessarily be a problem; the fact that he knows you're not okay with this is what makes this completely repellent.
posted by Sequence at 9:31 PM on June 25, 2017 [14 favorites]
You're not trying to salvage anything, because what did you have except your own infatuation and need to be coupled up. There isn't history or commitment to warrant salvaging. He needs to figure out his own issues which you cannot help him with. I was in a long long relationship and while exclusivity wasn't an issue being truly committed was. I had something to salvage and enough memories of good times too but ultimately I figured I had done enough and it was his turn to lead. You've made your interest clear, listen to his ambivalence which in effect means no.
Take care of yourself. If you say you feel bad not appreciating what you had exclusivity, regular hanging out--rather than being so inflexible about pushing the relationship along. You're not going to appreciate anything else unless your needs and understanding truly change.
First of all question if and why they should change. Not to accommodate the comfort of some man, but to make you more comfortable in your skin. It might take some time and self work to realize you're not afraid of being alone, and you need that to be in an equal relationship. Let this go and find yourself.
posted by whatdoyouthink? at 9:34 PM on June 25, 2017
Take care of yourself. If you say you feel bad not appreciating what you had exclusivity, regular hanging out--rather than being so inflexible about pushing the relationship along. You're not going to appreciate anything else unless your needs and understanding truly change.
First of all question if and why they should change. Not to accommodate the comfort of some man, but to make you more comfortable in your skin. It might take some time and self work to realize you're not afraid of being alone, and you need that to be in an equal relationship. Let this go and find yourself.
posted by whatdoyouthink? at 9:34 PM on June 25, 2017
This guy is not going to give you what you want at any point in the foreseeable future, and the more time you spend with him, the worse you feel about yourself.
Please go no contact. Find a therapist, or even just a trusted friend or some journaling to help you get in touch with how an ideal partner would treat you. Based on this question and your past question, I think you would really appreciate someone who proactively makes and follows through on plans; is excited to hang out with you and wants to hear your thoughts and perspectives on the relationship; doesn't keep certain topics off-limits because they're too "heavy"; doesn't blame you (or foster a situation where you blame yourself) for somehow ruining the relationship; shares your level of commitment to the relationship; communicates clearly and proactively; doesn't have to be dragged through every milestone -- wants to make those same commitments with you.
posted by delight at 9:52 PM on June 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
Please go no contact. Find a therapist, or even just a trusted friend or some journaling to help you get in touch with how an ideal partner would treat you. Based on this question and your past question, I think you would really appreciate someone who proactively makes and follows through on plans; is excited to hang out with you and wants to hear your thoughts and perspectives on the relationship; doesn't keep certain topics off-limits because they're too "heavy"; doesn't blame you (or foster a situation where you blame yourself) for somehow ruining the relationship; shares your level of commitment to the relationship; communicates clearly and proactively; doesn't have to be dragged through every milestone -- wants to make those same commitments with you.
posted by delight at 9:52 PM on June 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
The fact that you aren't absolutely fuming at him or thinking about setting his house on fire is proof that you're too good for him, and can do better.
This dude is a f*ckboy, and he probably won't be anything more than that...ever.
posted by InkDrinker at 9:52 PM on June 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
This dude is a f*ckboy, and he probably won't be anything more than that...ever.
posted by InkDrinker at 9:52 PM on June 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Oh god, please please find someone who will treat you well! This guy isn't it, there's no way you can make him be it, he is just a fucker and probably will be for years and you only have one precious life. Please give up on this guy before he turns you into a madwoman.
posted by corb at 10:17 PM on June 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by corb at 10:17 PM on June 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
So, one (small, single) point in this guy's favor: he's telling you the absolute truth. He's happy to hang out with you as a pleasant way to spend some time, and to have sex with you, and that's it. He does not want to be exclusive, and he fully expects to have sex with other people while seeing you, whether you want him to or not. He does not care that that makes you desperately unhappy.
It's perfectly okay for him to want to play the field. It's gross of him to continue a relationship with you when he knows he's hurting you, but he's not lying to you about how he feels; as long as you're willing to have sex with him, he's going to keep having sex with you.
But this is it. You asked "can I get him back" -- you have him back. This is as much of him as you'll ever have.
(The implied thing where maaaayyybe some day he'll want to be monogamous again, and maaaayyybe you'll be the person he decides to be monogamous with, if you just stick it out through all the bits that make you miserable -- yeah, no. If he does change back to monogamous, you will be part of his non-monogamous past, and he will settle down with someone else without a backward look. Which is not necessarily to say he's lying, per se, when he implies that - but he doesn't like "heavy" conversations and implying a possible future together lets him avoid that without actually promising you a damn thing.)
Believe what he's telling you. Go no-contact for at least a year, mourn what might have been, and move on.
posted by current resident at 10:29 PM on June 25, 2017 [16 favorites]
It's perfectly okay for him to want to play the field. It's gross of him to continue a relationship with you when he knows he's hurting you, but he's not lying to you about how he feels; as long as you're willing to have sex with him, he's going to keep having sex with you.
But this is it. You asked "can I get him back" -- you have him back. This is as much of him as you'll ever have.
(The implied thing where maaaayyybe some day he'll want to be monogamous again, and maaaayyybe you'll be the person he decides to be monogamous with, if you just stick it out through all the bits that make you miserable -- yeah, no. If he does change back to monogamous, you will be part of his non-monogamous past, and he will settle down with someone else without a backward look. Which is not necessarily to say he's lying, per se, when he implies that - but he doesn't like "heavy" conversations and implying a possible future together lets him avoid that without actually promising you a damn thing.)
Believe what he's telling you. Go no-contact for at least a year, mourn what might have been, and move on.
posted by current resident at 10:29 PM on June 25, 2017 [16 favorites]
Honey, I'll tell you what. If a guy is into you, you'll know it. There won't be any fallderall. Throw this one back and move on.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 12:13 AM on June 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 12:13 AM on June 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
I think that it can be very addictive to want to 'fix' these kinds of relationshios- to feel validated or not rejected or something. I don't know but I have felt similarly. The thing is, why on earth would you want this relationship? It's making you MISERABLE. You need to find a way of accepting that the person you wish to be with is not really the person in front of you- it's a fantasy. Because any kind of relationship with this guy has thus far been awful. That is the reality here. Give yourself permission to stop trying to do it over and just be free of it. There are so many more wonderful things to do with your time and energy and emotions.
posted by jojobobo at 2:00 AM on June 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by jojobobo at 2:00 AM on June 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
Oh man, isn't love a drug. If nothing else stop having sex with him.
posted by pintapicasso at 2:30 AM on June 26, 2017
posted by pintapicasso at 2:30 AM on June 26, 2017
No, you can't, I'm sorry.
Please, for your own sake, let this one go.
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:33 AM on June 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
Please, for your own sake, let this one go.
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:33 AM on June 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
There's nothing to be salvaged here. You're not even dating, you're a booty call. He's crying, you're poking though his phone, why is this something you want more of? Walk away.
posted by CINDERELLEN at 4:56 AM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by CINDERELLEN at 4:56 AM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
I've been totally out of control and am basically addicted to him.
Do not confuse the good kind of "he's got my back" love with the awful kind of slot machine love. This is definitely the latter.
He's made his desires very clear but has also implied that we could go back to being exclusive and potentially in a relationship if the "dynamic" between us stays good and doesn't go back to where it was before. But I feel like it's nearly impossible for me to stay chill and fun when we're not exclusive.
So you have to keep being the manic pixie Cool Girl that doesn't have her own needs and he gets to date around and keep having sex with you and he might stay with you? That is a crap deal.
He wouldn't answer and started crying.
I'm sorry, but he is the most rebound-y tinder-crazed Just Not That Into You guy to ever give a half-arsed response.
Your gut was right to end it- go no contact, when you're ready to date again then only date guys who are looking for something serious, and take care of yourself. Best of luck
posted by hotcoroner at 5:33 AM on June 26, 2017 [8 favorites]
Do not confuse the good kind of "he's got my back" love with the awful kind of slot machine love. This is definitely the latter.
He's made his desires very clear but has also implied that we could go back to being exclusive and potentially in a relationship if the "dynamic" between us stays good and doesn't go back to where it was before. But I feel like it's nearly impossible for me to stay chill and fun when we're not exclusive.
So you have to keep being the manic pixie Cool Girl that doesn't have her own needs and he gets to date around and keep having sex with you and he might stay with you? That is a crap deal.
He wouldn't answer and started crying.
I'm sorry, but he is the most rebound-y tinder-crazed Just Not That Into You guy to ever give a half-arsed response.
Your gut was right to end it- go no contact, when you're ready to date again then only date guys who are looking for something serious, and take care of yourself. Best of luck
posted by hotcoroner at 5:33 AM on June 26, 2017 [8 favorites]
I too have been in this situation. I feel like you're being hopeful about a man who is a very poor communicator (I find this to be a very unattractive trait btw - like a child - but i'm not you). Fine, perhaps you were 'very into him' and it put him off and made you less appealing but I don't think you can undo that unless you work your arse off 'being aloof' which is not an act I would want to waste my time putting on. Also if he finds distance attractive then it's not going to be a satisfying relationship is it? Sometimes the moment has just gone. I would try to get over him. I am tempted to say 'hold onto his number because of the good sex' but you can teach other guys how to satisfy you and the risk with keeping contact is that you'll never recover. He doesn't sound appealing - 'hot and cool' sounds so empty (and 20s not 30s). Does he wear a straw hat and play a ukelele? Already, he makes me want to vomit. I would trust your instincts and not be so quick to self-blame. You want a clear communicator who shows you that he wants you and therefore doesn't make you feel anxious. This man does not make you feel good. It's not your fault. You can't change your requirements in a partner and he can't be the partner you want. And please don't say 'i'll settle for less just to be with this sex God' because you will not be happy. He's just some ordinary guy.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 5:50 AM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 5:50 AM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
No.
posted by Miko at 5:57 AM on June 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by Miko at 5:57 AM on June 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
he seems oddly tolerant of my crazy behavior
People will put up with an awful lot of crazy in exchange for good sex, which it sounds like is happening. But that dynamic doesn't lead to a relationship, it leads to having some good stories you tell years later for laughs and sympathetic looks.
If you like the drama, stay the course. But if you want a stable, respectful, and loving relationship, move on now.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:05 AM on June 26, 2017
People will put up with an awful lot of crazy in exchange for good sex, which it sounds like is happening. But that dynamic doesn't lead to a relationship, it leads to having some good stories you tell years later for laughs and sympathetic looks.
If you like the drama, stay the course. But if you want a stable, respectful, and loving relationship, move on now.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:05 AM on June 26, 2017
Note that you couldn't "stay chill and fun" even when you were exclusive. You want something different than this dude will give. He's being honest that he won't be monogamous. Your choices are to get behind non-monogamy and keep him in the context in which you have him now, which doesn't sound like it will work for you and will make you miserable, or to move on to look for what you REALLY want. (You won't be able to find the latter while you're letting this guy take up your headspace.)
posted by metasarah at 6:29 AM on June 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 6:29 AM on June 26, 2017 [4 favorites]
Metasarah is right, it didn't sound 'chill and fun' when you had what you wanted (exclusivity). And going through his phone and interrogating him? That doesn't sound chill and fun for anyone.
The guy is being honest, but he sucks. He isn't into you, he isn't good for you and his ambivalence will make you feel crazier and crazier.
Don't try to be the cool girl and hope he'll change his mind, he won't. Your relationships get better when you stop trying to fix the wrong ones.
posted by wreckofthehesperus at 6:39 AM on June 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
The guy is being honest, but he sucks. He isn't into you, he isn't good for you and his ambivalence will make you feel crazier and crazier.
Don't try to be the cool girl and hope he'll change his mind, he won't. Your relationships get better when you stop trying to fix the wrong ones.
posted by wreckofthehesperus at 6:39 AM on June 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
[He} has also implied that we could go back to being exclusive and potentially in a relationship if the "dynamic" between us stays good and doesn't go back to where it was before.
This is exactly an arrangement that is perfectly designed to make you feel EVEN MORE out of control and crazy.
You've heard about the famous psych pigeon study right? The pigeons who pecked a button and never got a treat just stopped pecking the button. The pigeons who pecked the button and always got a treat, only pecked when they were hungry and wanted a treat. The pigeons who pecked the button and randomly got a treat sometimes and not others - went nuts pecking the button! They were obsessed with the button! It's called intermittent reinforcement. It can create obsessive behaviors.
Now you're the pigeon, frantically exhausting yourself pecking away at that fucking button, hoping to get a little affection treat each time and this guy is the sadist psych research who set the whole thing up.
You are purposefully putting yourself, eyes wide open, into a situation that is making you feel (in your own words) out of control, jealous, addicted, manipulative, and lacking in dignity.
Please, please, please lay all this out to your therapist - admit all of it and ask for immediate tools and assistance in defusing this bomb.
posted by Squeak Attack at 7:49 AM on June 26, 2017 [8 favorites]
This is exactly an arrangement that is perfectly designed to make you feel EVEN MORE out of control and crazy.
You've heard about the famous psych pigeon study right? The pigeons who pecked a button and never got a treat just stopped pecking the button. The pigeons who pecked the button and always got a treat, only pecked when they were hungry and wanted a treat. The pigeons who pecked the button and randomly got a treat sometimes and not others - went nuts pecking the button! They were obsessed with the button! It's called intermittent reinforcement. It can create obsessive behaviors.
Now you're the pigeon, frantically exhausting yourself pecking away at that fucking button, hoping to get a little affection treat each time and this guy is the sadist psych research who set the whole thing up.
You are purposefully putting yourself, eyes wide open, into a situation that is making you feel (in your own words) out of control, jealous, addicted, manipulative, and lacking in dignity.
Please, please, please lay all this out to your therapist - admit all of it and ask for immediate tools and assistance in defusing this bomb.
posted by Squeak Attack at 7:49 AM on June 26, 2017 [8 favorites]
I'm honestly kind of confused as to why you think the answers here will be any different this time when you ask about this guy. The last time, everyone here told you that this guy is behaving in a crappy, entirely predictable way. It’s A Thing that Dudes Like Him do, and it gets him everything he wants without him ever having to care about what you want.
At the end of the last thread, you told us that despite near-unanimous feedback about the dude not being worth it, you thought we were all wrong and you wanted to go for it anyway.
What do you think has changed? Not his behavior. No one here is going to suddenly become convinced that you deserve his garbage behavior and gross entitlement. The fact that you have fun when you hang out with him does not make him a good partner for you. He is messing with your head, on purpose, in order to get what he wants. The fact that he makes you laugh while he does so doesn’t mean anything.
It seems like you want to be convinced that you deserve to be treated like you are less than human. Why do you want this? Why do you think anyone here is going to agree with this dude that you deserve less than you want and need? Why can't you hear people here when they tell you that this relationship will not magically become something that works for you, and that a lifetime of turning yourself into a bonsai human for the sake of other people will only make everything worse and more painful?
posted by a fiendish thingy at 8:57 AM on June 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
At the end of the last thread, you told us that despite near-unanimous feedback about the dude not being worth it, you thought we were all wrong and you wanted to go for it anyway.
What do you think has changed? Not his behavior. No one here is going to suddenly become convinced that you deserve his garbage behavior and gross entitlement. The fact that you have fun when you hang out with him does not make him a good partner for you. He is messing with your head, on purpose, in order to get what he wants. The fact that he makes you laugh while he does so doesn’t mean anything.
It seems like you want to be convinced that you deserve to be treated like you are less than human. Why do you want this? Why do you think anyone here is going to agree with this dude that you deserve less than you want and need? Why can't you hear people here when they tell you that this relationship will not magically become something that works for you, and that a lifetime of turning yourself into a bonsai human for the sake of other people will only make everything worse and more painful?
posted by a fiendish thingy at 8:57 AM on June 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
The answers to Can I get him back? are consistent.
1. Be your best self - be educated, healthy, interesting. Be so awesome that he will want to be with spectacular you. Not awesome in a way that is aimed at him, awesome as in your own best self. If you aren't sure who your own best self is, what she's like, get on that. It will make all the difference in ending up with someone fantastic.
2. Are you sure you want him? If you are on the path to your own best self, and you are the fun, smart, sexy version of your own best self, you might find you want someone who wants what you want - a stable, committed relationship.
posted by theora55 at 10:10 AM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
1. Be your best self - be educated, healthy, interesting. Be so awesome that he will want to be with spectacular you. Not awesome in a way that is aimed at him, awesome as in your own best self. If you aren't sure who your own best self is, what she's like, get on that. It will make all the difference in ending up with someone fantastic.
2. Are you sure you want him? If you are on the path to your own best self, and you are the fun, smart, sexy version of your own best self, you might find you want someone who wants what you want - a stable, committed relationship.
posted by theora55 at 10:10 AM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
As I was reading your question, I kept thinking of the song "Love Kernels" from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - here.
Look, regardless of the situation, anyone who makes you feel like you have given up all your dignity in order to be with them is not a good fit.
You want someone who you can be authentic with. You want someone who isn't going to run away from the "heavy" stuff. You want someone who is steady and wants to be monogamous with you. These are all super-reasonable things to want.
What you don't want: this guy. Or rather, you do want this guy, but a version of him that doesn't exist yet, and maybe won't for a long time. In any case, the well is poisoned, and it's really hard to come back from that - there is a power imbalance/a sense of you wanting him more than he wants you in your relationship, and that's toxic.
I've been there. I know it's really hard to accept that what you want is reasonable and okay, and you're not inflexible or severe for having boundaries and desires that are in conflict with his. Please, please, please let this guy go. He's shown you he's not going to completely let go of you by himself - you will feel so much better if you are the one who makes this call. Love and support heading your way.
posted by superlibby at 10:31 AM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
Look, regardless of the situation, anyone who makes you feel like you have given up all your dignity in order to be with them is not a good fit.
You want someone who you can be authentic with. You want someone who isn't going to run away from the "heavy" stuff. You want someone who is steady and wants to be monogamous with you. These are all super-reasonable things to want.
What you don't want: this guy. Or rather, you do want this guy, but a version of him that doesn't exist yet, and maybe won't for a long time. In any case, the well is poisoned, and it's really hard to come back from that - there is a power imbalance/a sense of you wanting him more than he wants you in your relationship, and that's toxic.
I've been there. I know it's really hard to accept that what you want is reasonable and okay, and you're not inflexible or severe for having boundaries and desires that are in conflict with his. Please, please, please let this guy go. He's shown you he's not going to completely let go of you by himself - you will feel so much better if you are the one who makes this call. Love and support heading your way.
posted by superlibby at 10:31 AM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
Noooooooooooo!
You were on the right track before!
5 years from now you are going to look back on this as a textbook example of you working out your anxious attachment style.
I can't get over the fact that I broke up with him. I should have appreciated what I had-- exclusivity, regular hanging out--rather than being so inflexible about pushing the relationship along
That was you making progress, and this is you punishing yourself for wanting more. But you deserve more, I promise. You can have more, I promise. You can have a relationship that you're not anxious in, I promise. Ask your therapist! There are other dudes out there. You just have to go no contact with this one, and give it some time, and you'll meet the right one.
posted by mrmurbles at 1:17 PM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
You were on the right track before!
5 years from now you are going to look back on this as a textbook example of you working out your anxious attachment style.
I can't get over the fact that I broke up with him. I should have appreciated what I had-- exclusivity, regular hanging out--rather than being so inflexible about pushing the relationship along
That was you making progress, and this is you punishing yourself for wanting more. But you deserve more, I promise. You can have more, I promise. You can have a relationship that you're not anxious in, I promise. Ask your therapist! There are other dudes out there. You just have to go no contact with this one, and give it some time, and you'll meet the right one.
posted by mrmurbles at 1:17 PM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
This has nothing to do with your behavior. Your behavior is irrelevant. This is what's happening in his brain. These are his life goals:
1. Messy break up
2. Felt like he was suffocating in that LTR
3. Need lots of casual dating to get his ego reserves back up. Where does he stand? Who thinks he's hot? Dating world is new again.
4. Regular sex is really nice but doesn't want a relationship - relationship bad, causes boredom, pain
5. Where is that balance where he gets ego stroked and regular sex but not fall into another LTR? Learning through trial and error to find that balance.
Everything you did was totally a side plot to the above main storyline going on between himself and himself. That was the conflict, that was the drama, you were irrelevant. You could have been anyone, and it would not have changed anything. If you don't agree with his life goals, which involve him exploring his dating options, then you become the obstacle/antagonist. It's that simple. He's very focused on this goal.
Maybe try leaving him completely alone for a year.
posted by stockpuppet at 1:49 PM on June 26, 2017
1. Messy break up
2. Felt like he was suffocating in that LTR
3. Need lots of casual dating to get his ego reserves back up. Where does he stand? Who thinks he's hot? Dating world is new again.
4. Regular sex is really nice but doesn't want a relationship - relationship bad, causes boredom, pain
5. Where is that balance where he gets ego stroked and regular sex but not fall into another LTR? Learning through trial and error to find that balance.
Everything you did was totally a side plot to the above main storyline going on between himself and himself. That was the conflict, that was the drama, you were irrelevant. You could have been anyone, and it would not have changed anything. If you don't agree with his life goals, which involve him exploring his dating options, then you become the obstacle/antagonist. It's that simple. He's very focused on this goal.
Maybe try leaving him completely alone for a year.
posted by stockpuppet at 1:49 PM on June 26, 2017
I would consider what you have to offer someone in a relationship and also what do you want from a relationship. Why did you feel insecure? Are you trying to get validation from this person? Also, you don't want to waste years of your life in this regard and if you are wanting children.
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/06/why-we-crave-the-ones-who-reject-us/
This article is interesting, but is not the dynamic that you would want to create with this person. He ultimately has given you what he wants now in regards to a relationship. If you push someone into something they don't want it will not be healthy because he still wants to explore other people and date other people. There isn't anything wrong with him wanting to date other people after being in a long term relationship.
There is an imbalance in "your relationship" with him and interactions from the beginning that you mentioned based on insecurity, and then conversations that made him question the relationship.
I don't see him as being a jerk. He is being honest with what he wants and we are adults and responsible for our actions and what we want in a relationship and knowing ourselves. If you decide to have a relationship with him with him dating other people that is your decision.
You said you don't want a relationship that is not exclusive. It would not be healthy. He said he doesn't not want a relationship that is exclusive.
Ultimately, it sounds like you want a long term committed relationship with him or someone else but he can't offer that to you at the moment, and therefore I wouldn't put your hope in it.
posted by Lillian7 at 7:26 PM on June 28, 2017
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/06/why-we-crave-the-ones-who-reject-us/
This article is interesting, but is not the dynamic that you would want to create with this person. He ultimately has given you what he wants now in regards to a relationship. If you push someone into something they don't want it will not be healthy because he still wants to explore other people and date other people. There isn't anything wrong with him wanting to date other people after being in a long term relationship.
There is an imbalance in "your relationship" with him and interactions from the beginning that you mentioned based on insecurity, and then conversations that made him question the relationship.
I don't see him as being a jerk. He is being honest with what he wants and we are adults and responsible for our actions and what we want in a relationship and knowing ourselves. If you decide to have a relationship with him with him dating other people that is your decision.
You said you don't want a relationship that is not exclusive. It would not be healthy. He said he doesn't not want a relationship that is exclusive.
Ultimately, it sounds like you want a long term committed relationship with him or someone else but he can't offer that to you at the moment, and therefore I wouldn't put your hope in it.
posted by Lillian7 at 7:26 PM on June 28, 2017
"I think because I put him on a pedestal, thought he was so hot and cool, and the sex was amazing. "
He knows this, and he knows he has options, which is why he's playing the field.
posted by GiveUpNed at 5:47 PM on July 17, 2017
He knows this, and he knows he has options, which is why he's playing the field.
posted by GiveUpNed at 5:47 PM on July 17, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by brainmouse at 8:25 PM on June 25, 2017 [82 favorites]