Dealing with job performance anxiety (in STEM, if it matters)
June 15, 2017 9:57 AM Subscribe
I have had my anxiety under control for awhile but landing my dream job has sent it howling out.
I've had anxiety-- generalized and social-- since I was a teen. A few years ago I started a low-dose antidepressant which took the edge off and I'm mostly good at taking life as it comes these days. I don't get bent out of shape when things don't go perfectly. I now regularly do things I never thought I could handle (teaching, working with kids, speaking up in large groups). I have a lot more inner peace and find mindfulness very useful.
However, I've spent the last 3+ years working toward a career in a new industry (technology). I've had self-doubt while working through the program-- it's a career change, plus I'm a woman, and I'm sensitive to being constantly underestimated-- but I've done well and achieved what I wanted to achieve. Including getting hired out of school at my "dream company," the one where my heroes work and where I could barely admit I actually wanted to go without feeling a bit embarrassed.
When I was first hired I was joyous, but now that I've graduated and it's actually real (starting soon), I'm feeling constantly terrified! Not only is the company super intimidating, but I'm moving to the West Coast after a life in the Midwest (aiyeee culture shock), and I'm shy, and I'm a woman, and gahh I'm just so scared. The job is 6 months of training/rotations after which, if your performance is good, they place you in a "permanent" position, which is exciting but also draining me of my ability to think straight. I'm going to be evaluated! Right away! And might not get hired on, which would make me feel horrible!
I'm generally able to put these things in perspective and realize that sometimes failure is a bad fit or the right thing at the wrong time, but in this case it's really what I've wanted for so long that it's hard to even imagine a path forward if I were to not get hired on. (I imagine this is what people going through med school feel like, though their experience is more harrowing.) It's not just a question of prestige; the work is legitimately the work I want to do, the benefits are good, etc. etc. I've been poor and broke for so long (desperately need to go to the dentist... ), and this feels like my big break, so I'm pretty afraid of dropping the ball (or even just being incompatible with my team) and ending up at a loss. Plus, it would be embarrassing to everyone who is proud of me to tell them that I wasn't kept on.
Sexism in tech is really frustrating; for the last few years I've been in a program with 10% female representation. When pair programming or team projects happen, men pair off with one another, women pair off with one another. People are shocked when you achieve anything at all (visible surprise!), and if you don't know something or don't achieve something, they clearly mentally throw you in the "oh, a girl" dustbin. You're not cool, no one buddies up to you, no one has much interest in your ideas, they assume you have no special talent and no business potential. My most average male classmates are very popular, while most women have maybe a friend or two but mostly sit quietly waiting for class to begin (despite the fact that some of them are top students, including sometimes myself). On top of that, I grew up working class, which is pretty rare in these environments, and I'm a career changer, so I don't have as many tangible achievements as most of the people around me. In academia it's been mostly OK because my work and my grades typically speak for themselves, but I'm worried about the workplace, where work is still very important but teams and politics are important too.
I realize I'm lucky to have this opportunity in the first place. Absolutely! And the world wouldn't end if it somehow didn't work out. Just need some help dealing with the anxiety so I don't actually sabotage myself. (I was doing talk therapy until recently but it's ended now because I am moving. I will start it up again when starting the new job. However, I didn't make much progress on this issue with my old therapists; suggestions of things that have worked for you in therapy, ways to bring it up in therapy, etc. would be useful.)
I should also say that I've never really blown an opportunity before, so it's not that something is haunting me from my past-- more that I'm afraid this will finally be the other shoe dropping, because I'm not cut out for technology after all, or something deepseated like that.
I've had anxiety-- generalized and social-- since I was a teen. A few years ago I started a low-dose antidepressant which took the edge off and I'm mostly good at taking life as it comes these days. I don't get bent out of shape when things don't go perfectly. I now regularly do things I never thought I could handle (teaching, working with kids, speaking up in large groups). I have a lot more inner peace and find mindfulness very useful.
However, I've spent the last 3+ years working toward a career in a new industry (technology). I've had self-doubt while working through the program-- it's a career change, plus I'm a woman, and I'm sensitive to being constantly underestimated-- but I've done well and achieved what I wanted to achieve. Including getting hired out of school at my "dream company," the one where my heroes work and where I could barely admit I actually wanted to go without feeling a bit embarrassed.
When I was first hired I was joyous, but now that I've graduated and it's actually real (starting soon), I'm feeling constantly terrified! Not only is the company super intimidating, but I'm moving to the West Coast after a life in the Midwest (aiyeee culture shock), and I'm shy, and I'm a woman, and gahh I'm just so scared. The job is 6 months of training/rotations after which, if your performance is good, they place you in a "permanent" position, which is exciting but also draining me of my ability to think straight. I'm going to be evaluated! Right away! And might not get hired on, which would make me feel horrible!
I'm generally able to put these things in perspective and realize that sometimes failure is a bad fit or the right thing at the wrong time, but in this case it's really what I've wanted for so long that it's hard to even imagine a path forward if I were to not get hired on. (I imagine this is what people going through med school feel like, though their experience is more harrowing.) It's not just a question of prestige; the work is legitimately the work I want to do, the benefits are good, etc. etc. I've been poor and broke for so long (desperately need to go to the dentist... ), and this feels like my big break, so I'm pretty afraid of dropping the ball (or even just being incompatible with my team) and ending up at a loss. Plus, it would be embarrassing to everyone who is proud of me to tell them that I wasn't kept on.
Sexism in tech is really frustrating; for the last few years I've been in a program with 10% female representation. When pair programming or team projects happen, men pair off with one another, women pair off with one another. People are shocked when you achieve anything at all (visible surprise!), and if you don't know something or don't achieve something, they clearly mentally throw you in the "oh, a girl" dustbin. You're not cool, no one buddies up to you, no one has much interest in your ideas, they assume you have no special talent and no business potential. My most average male classmates are very popular, while most women have maybe a friend or two but mostly sit quietly waiting for class to begin (despite the fact that some of them are top students, including sometimes myself). On top of that, I grew up working class, which is pretty rare in these environments, and I'm a career changer, so I don't have as many tangible achievements as most of the people around me. In academia it's been mostly OK because my work and my grades typically speak for themselves, but I'm worried about the workplace, where work is still very important but teams and politics are important too.
I realize I'm lucky to have this opportunity in the first place. Absolutely! And the world wouldn't end if it somehow didn't work out. Just need some help dealing with the anxiety so I don't actually sabotage myself. (I was doing talk therapy until recently but it's ended now because I am moving. I will start it up again when starting the new job. However, I didn't make much progress on this issue with my old therapists; suggestions of things that have worked for you in therapy, ways to bring it up in therapy, etc. would be useful.)
I should also say that I've never really blown an opportunity before, so it's not that something is haunting me from my past-- more that I'm afraid this will finally be the other shoe dropping, because I'm not cut out for technology after all, or something deepseated like that.
Best answer: I think there are two issues, one is the very real sexism that exists for women in tech/STEM, and the other is the imposter syndrome/waiting for the other shoe to drop. The first you don't really have much control over, institutionally, but the second you can work on. From your post it seems like you know this and you have a good handle on what is in your control and what isn't--that's a great start.
I transitioned into a more tech-heavy role in my current position two years ago, and here's what was helpful for me: I found a network of women in similar situations outside my company that I could ask for advice, asked for an official mentor within my institution, worked REALLY hard on building a thick skin and not taking sexist criticism seriously, and developed an identity outside of my work self (which was difficult but probably why it was extra important to do). I think if you can shine a light on your anxiety with other women who are in the same boat you won't feel so alone; similarly, if you have a group message where you can drop in and say "so my male colleague said this...what would you do?" it can feel less isolating (and hey look, here's a list of 80 'women in tech' programs in the Bay Area, if that's where you'll be! Remember that if you don't like one, keep going until you find one you do). I'm also glad to hear you say you'll be revisiting therapy. I've talked a lot about work in therapy and we've mostly focused on me being less emotionally reactive (internally, things used to really upset me, not like I yelled at people), leaving space for a considered and thoughtful response, and highlighting the importance of self-care to keep the anxiety at bay (for me, exhausting exercise and lots of sleep). The other things I did that helped were regularly listening to inspirational quotes from DJ Khaled ("They don't want you to win!") and basically consuming only female-led media.
As for the sexism stuff you can't control, I got a lot of mileage out of the thought that me failing or self-sabotaging or counting myself out was basically doing 'their' (white tech-bro) dirty work for them, and that if they wanted me out they were going to have to try a lot harder than whatever they were up to at the time. Because, basically--you thinking "I'm not cut out for technology"? From one lady to another, that's bullshit. No one is cut out for technology! It's just that women are socialized to second-guess their abilities and experience; one of the best lessons I learned in my recent work transition is that NO ONE knows what they're talking about--it's just that men will bluster their way through it, employing condescension to get you to stop asking questions and figuring out that they don't know what they're talking about. That was the best realization--it let me release my defensive assumption that they were criticizing because I was secretly terrible at my job, stupid, etc. Wrong! It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with their own projections. Letting go of criticism as a value judgment of you as a person is hard but it's going to be so necessary; realizing how little it actually has to do with you can be a big help.
You can do it!
posted by stellaluna at 11:08 AM on June 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
I transitioned into a more tech-heavy role in my current position two years ago, and here's what was helpful for me: I found a network of women in similar situations outside my company that I could ask for advice, asked for an official mentor within my institution, worked REALLY hard on building a thick skin and not taking sexist criticism seriously, and developed an identity outside of my work self (which was difficult but probably why it was extra important to do). I think if you can shine a light on your anxiety with other women who are in the same boat you won't feel so alone; similarly, if you have a group message where you can drop in and say "so my male colleague said this...what would you do?" it can feel less isolating (and hey look, here's a list of 80 'women in tech' programs in the Bay Area, if that's where you'll be! Remember that if you don't like one, keep going until you find one you do). I'm also glad to hear you say you'll be revisiting therapy. I've talked a lot about work in therapy and we've mostly focused on me being less emotionally reactive (internally, things used to really upset me, not like I yelled at people), leaving space for a considered and thoughtful response, and highlighting the importance of self-care to keep the anxiety at bay (for me, exhausting exercise and lots of sleep). The other things I did that helped were regularly listening to inspirational quotes from DJ Khaled ("They don't want you to win!") and basically consuming only female-led media.
As for the sexism stuff you can't control, I got a lot of mileage out of the thought that me failing or self-sabotaging or counting myself out was basically doing 'their' (white tech-bro) dirty work for them, and that if they wanted me out they were going to have to try a lot harder than whatever they were up to at the time. Because, basically--you thinking "I'm not cut out for technology"? From one lady to another, that's bullshit. No one is cut out for technology! It's just that women are socialized to second-guess their abilities and experience; one of the best lessons I learned in my recent work transition is that NO ONE knows what they're talking about--it's just that men will bluster their way through it, employing condescension to get you to stop asking questions and figuring out that they don't know what they're talking about. That was the best realization--it let me release my defensive assumption that they were criticizing because I was secretly terrible at my job, stupid, etc. Wrong! It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with their own projections. Letting go of criticism as a value judgment of you as a person is hard but it's going to be so necessary; realizing how little it actually has to do with you can be a big help.
You can do it!
posted by stellaluna at 11:08 AM on June 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Agreed about heatherlogan's impostor syndrome reference -- it's really common for a lot of (very successful!) people. The way you forge ahead is one step at a time and while you obviously want to pay attention to anything you're doing wrong and improve, you need to ignore the self-doubting voice to some extent. The fact that there are 6 months of rotations and training means that the company is aware that new hires won't know everything and will need to take some time to get up to speed, so just roll with it.
The other thing to recognize is that while your "dream company" is probably a good place to be, it's not the only good company in the world so not succeeding is not the end of the world. You may find that you're not a good fit and that's OK -- there are plenty of fish in the sea. Best of luck!
posted by bsdfish at 11:20 AM on June 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
The other thing to recognize is that while your "dream company" is probably a good place to be, it's not the only good company in the world so not succeeding is not the end of the world. You may find that you're not a good fit and that's OK -- there are plenty of fish in the sea. Best of luck!
posted by bsdfish at 11:20 AM on June 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm reading Amy Cuddy's book "Presence" and she unpacks imposter syndrome so well, that I picked it up as an audio book for a second read.
As for the big change - they WANT you! With 6 months of training, they are designing it so that if you care ( which it sounds like you do) you will pick it up & pass.
You have earned this opportunity. Earned it. Look up an active, busy Toastmasters Group or two near you and attend some meetings to get a flavor of what they do and if you are up to it, mention your moving and work situation to them. That's a source of real-time in-person friendly support, and you cay can attend without joining until you are ready to commit (west coast). There are amazing women (and men) to network with under the umbrella of shared support - this makes it easy to find some without the pressure of having a common employer. Check out 3-4 Toastmasters groups in your new locale even if your employer hosts a group - you will find a few people who have also moved from the Midwest.
Also, if it makes you feel better, the Universe delivered a Midwestern dream job to a West Coast person. Everything positive & encouraging that you would share with them likely exists on the West Coast. Hope this helps you find great people & connect well. Best wishes.
posted by childofTethys at 12:09 PM on June 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
As for the big change - they WANT you! With 6 months of training, they are designing it so that if you care ( which it sounds like you do) you will pick it up & pass.
You have earned this opportunity. Earned it. Look up an active, busy Toastmasters Group or two near you and attend some meetings to get a flavor of what they do and if you are up to it, mention your moving and work situation to them. That's a source of real-time in-person friendly support, and you cay can attend without joining until you are ready to commit (west coast). There are amazing women (and men) to network with under the umbrella of shared support - this makes it easy to find some without the pressure of having a common employer. Check out 3-4 Toastmasters groups in your new locale even if your employer hosts a group - you will find a few people who have also moved from the Midwest.
Also, if it makes you feel better, the Universe delivered a Midwestern dream job to a West Coast person. Everything positive & encouraging that you would share with them likely exists on the West Coast. Hope this helps you find great people & connect well. Best wishes.
posted by childofTethys at 12:09 PM on June 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by heatherlogan at 10:54 AM on June 15, 2017 [3 favorites]