Helping my friend say goodbye

June 8, 2017 8:58 PM

My friend's mother is in hospice care. He has asked his friends to write their goodbyes to be read at her bedside. I'm one of the friends and I am at a loss for words. Help.

My friends' mother has a terminal diagnosis, and he is preparing to visit her in hospice. He wants all of his friends to write something on her Facebook wall so he can read it aloud to her at his final visit.

This is a real kindness from him, because he has a complicated relationship with his mother. Their relationship has always been difficult, and I have witnessed much of the fallout. That's why I'm at a bit of a loss in finding kind and appropriate things to write to her.

That said, I am fully aware this isn't about my feelings!

My friend rarely asks for this kind of emotional support, so opting out isn't on the table. Can you help me find the words to make my friend feel better when he reads them, and be a kindness to someone I wish had been kinder?

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

posted by Space Kitty to Human Relations (5 answers total)

Best answer: Thank her for raising a child who is [good thing] and [good thing] and [good thing], and who has helped you in [ways] (like, made you laugh when you were down, helped you move, introduced you to your SO or new hobby or other awesome thing, or otherwise been there for you when you needed him). I think a lot of the time we think (in the abstract) that our life only "counts" if we do This One Big Good Thing (like win a Nobel or something) but life is made up of doing uncountable little things that ripple out in ways we can't predict or imagine and those little ripples can make beautiful waves. Thank you for doing thing for your friend.
posted by rtha at 9:10 PM on June 8, 2017 [46 favorites]

Agree with rtha. When I don't know the parent of a friend or coworker who dies, I usually say that they must have been pretty special to have raised a terrific person like you. If a child is a reflection of their parents then your mother/father must have been pretty special.

It is the cumulative little things that add up to a life well lived.
posted by AugustWest at 9:18 PM on June 8, 2017 [4 favorites]

Totally rtha all the way. Also, if you have a story to share about your friend, a good one (good meaning funny or shows good qualities of your friend), then that's a gift. As a mom, I love it when someone tells me a story about my kid that I haven't heard or complements her for various reasons. Or tells me that my kid said X nice thing about me. Thanks for asking this question, I'm sure it will help many people.
posted by Bella Donna at 10:30 PM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

If I were writing this, I would probably think it through by banging out a draft that was super honest and included my feelings on how difficult their relationship was as well as all of the lovely ordinary things, as rtha mentioned. And then edit, edit, edit, distill, distill, until it was still true, but massively prioritized for the actual purpose at hand.

Which, in my mind, is helping both mom and friend in equal parts cope with mom's dying.
posted by desuetude at 11:42 PM on June 8, 2017 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: rtha, thank you so much for your beautiful and timely advice. I was able to craft an honest but kind message honoring her life via gratitude for her son's friendship.

His mom passed this morning, much sooner than expected, but he saw the message last night and I would like to think it brought him comfort.

Thanks again for helping me put something together in time.
posted by Space Kitty at 12:58 PM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]