Should I confront my sexual harasser?
June 2, 2017 11:52 AM Subscribe
About six months ago, I figured out that my manager would make me go out of my way so that he could discretely look down my shirt and look at my butt. He would make me walk in and out of his room for unnecessary reasons so that the and a colleague would comment and look at my body. He was otherwise very respectful to me in person. More details within
I do think he had a crush on me and I had one on him as well. However, I kept it strictly professional and did not let my crush show through. I actually asked him out through text immediately regretted it and then turned him down. (This was well after the harassment incidents). At the time I was in complete denial about the harassment. I did not want to believe that he was capable of doing something like that.
It's been several months since this incident and I'm still thinking about it. I've confronted him about it before and sent him a message telling him I knew what was going on. However, I blocked him because I was too afraid of his response. I was afraid of him denying the incident and of me looking crazy.
I've talked to a therapist about it and she says that I should keep the option open to contact him again. I would like to contact him again but I feel like he would think that I'm holding on to a grudge for too long. At the same time, I'd really like to hear that he does regret his behavior.
I made excuses for his behavior for too long. I believed that it wasn't harassment because he did not intend for me to know what was happening. Because, he was so respectful and patient of me the rest of the time, I wanted to look past his behavior. I almost feel like I'm being oversensitive.
Once it sank in that I had been harassed, I felt angry and violated. I felt angry at myself for not standing up for myself and for him for taking advantage of me.
I really don't like the mental energy that I've put on this situation and it seems like no matter what I do I will not receive closure. Is contacting him a good idea, or does it make me seem crazy at this point?
I do think he had a crush on me and I had one on him as well. However, I kept it strictly professional and did not let my crush show through. I actually asked him out through text immediately regretted it and then turned him down. (This was well after the harassment incidents). At the time I was in complete denial about the harassment. I did not want to believe that he was capable of doing something like that.
It's been several months since this incident and I'm still thinking about it. I've confronted him about it before and sent him a message telling him I knew what was going on. However, I blocked him because I was too afraid of his response. I was afraid of him denying the incident and of me looking crazy.
I've talked to a therapist about it and she says that I should keep the option open to contact him again. I would like to contact him again but I feel like he would think that I'm holding on to a grudge for too long. At the same time, I'd really like to hear that he does regret his behavior.
I made excuses for his behavior for too long. I believed that it wasn't harassment because he did not intend for me to know what was happening. Because, he was so respectful and patient of me the rest of the time, I wanted to look past his behavior. I almost feel like I'm being oversensitive.
Once it sank in that I had been harassed, I felt angry and violated. I felt angry at myself for not standing up for myself and for him for taking advantage of me.
I really don't like the mental energy that I've put on this situation and it seems like no matter what I do I will not receive closure. Is contacting him a good idea, or does it make me seem crazy at this point?
People's words often don't reflect their true feelings. People who feel ashamed often say things that sound angry, or ignorant, or dispassionate. Whatever he said or would have said, he probably felt ashamed, if your message got through at all.
If your message didn't really get through to him, there's not a lot you could do about it, but it will be with him if someone else tries to tell him something similar in the future.
It sounds to me like you did what you could do.
You need closure, though. Maybe print out this question, along with a photo of him, then either burn them or blend them into a wet slurry and bury them in the garden.
posted by amtho at 12:13 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
If your message didn't really get through to him, there's not a lot you could do about it, but it will be with him if someone else tries to tell him something similar in the future.
It sounds to me like you did what you could do.
You need closure, though. Maybe print out this question, along with a photo of him, then either burn them or blend them into a wet slurry and bury them in the garden.
posted by amtho at 12:13 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
(I'm assuming that you no longer work for this guy. If you do, then finding another job should be your very first priority.)
It's not that contacting him will make you seem crazy—it's that a person who would act like that in the first place is highly unlikely to give you the apology you are seeking. You have it right: it seems like no matter what I do I will not receive closure.
I can't imagine why your therapist thinks you should "keep the option open" to contact him again. IMO a much better use of energy would be to work intensively (perhaps with another therapist) on why you denied and are still minimizing such disrespectful behavior—to the point that you would hit on your manager who was actively sexually harassing you. (!)
Understanding and changing whatever is at the root of YOUR part in this situation is where you'll find the peace you seek.
posted by ottereroticist at 12:28 PM on June 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
It's not that contacting him will make you seem crazy—it's that a person who would act like that in the first place is highly unlikely to give you the apology you are seeking. You have it right: it seems like no matter what I do I will not receive closure.
I can't imagine why your therapist thinks you should "keep the option open" to contact him again. IMO a much better use of energy would be to work intensively (perhaps with another therapist) on why you denied and are still minimizing such disrespectful behavior—to the point that you would hit on your manager who was actively sexually harassing you. (!)
Understanding and changing whatever is at the root of YOUR part in this situation is where you'll find the peace you seek.
posted by ottereroticist at 12:28 PM on June 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
Closure doesn't come from other people. He is no longer an active participant in this situation; it's all on you to create closure for yourself.
I do not understand what angle your therapist is coming from on this. You need to process the trauma, you need to process the mechanism by which you downplayed the seriousness of the situation. Maybe this therapist isn't the person to help you do that, or maybe they're taking their lead from you and being ambivalent until you make your own choices here, but you could have a conversation with them about that as you decide how to tackle this going forward.
Whatever you desire to come from confrontation with him, you should assume his reaction will be antagonistic, possibly violent if he thinks you might affect his employability. Would you still want to do it then? Or were you just hoping you could make him be sorry? That's outside your jurisdiction, unfortunately.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:06 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
I do not understand what angle your therapist is coming from on this. You need to process the trauma, you need to process the mechanism by which you downplayed the seriousness of the situation. Maybe this therapist isn't the person to help you do that, or maybe they're taking their lead from you and being ambivalent until you make your own choices here, but you could have a conversation with them about that as you decide how to tackle this going forward.
Whatever you desire to come from confrontation with him, you should assume his reaction will be antagonistic, possibly violent if he thinks you might affect his employability. Would you still want to do it then? Or were you just hoping you could make him be sorry? That's outside your jurisdiction, unfortunately.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:06 PM on June 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
That's pretty twisted. Sorry. You can always report him to HR, whether you work there now or not. If you do, I pretty much guarantee he's toast. In other words, it's not too late for you to do something about it. I believe this would be the right thing to do...
posted by xammerboy at 1:39 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by xammerboy at 1:39 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
This sounds like it was a messy situation, but unless you're working for him still and the harassment is ongoing, it sounds like it's just inviting pointless drama into your life.
Sometimes, I think victims spend to much time trying to understand the minds of aggressors like him. Just leave it at 'he's an asshole' and get on with your life--and importantly, be more aware of that kind of thing in the future.
posted by empath at 1:56 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
Sometimes, I think victims spend to much time trying to understand the minds of aggressors like him. Just leave it at 'he's an asshole' and get on with your life--and importantly, be more aware of that kind of thing in the future.
posted by empath at 1:56 PM on June 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
He's not going to say the thing that would most give you closure. Contact with him will just be frustrating and confusing. However, you could imagine a scene in which he says it. Imagining it, multiple times if necessary, might be a way of giving that closure to yourself.
Sometimes I find that I want to resolve my issues with other people because I want to know that the bad thing won't happen again. If instead, I remind myself that I never, ever have to deal with them again, I feel protected and safe, and I can stop feeling like I need to hear them acknowledge my point. You might try just saying to yourself "self, you never have to see him again, you NEVER have to see him again," maybe while feeling what it feels like to live in a world where you really don't have to deal with this guy anymore.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Ugh.
posted by salvia at 2:43 PM on June 2, 2017
Sometimes I find that I want to resolve my issues with other people because I want to know that the bad thing won't happen again. If instead, I remind myself that I never, ever have to deal with them again, I feel protected and safe, and I can stop feeling like I need to hear them acknowledge my point. You might try just saying to yourself "self, you never have to see him again, you NEVER have to see him again," maybe while feeling what it feels like to live in a world where you really don't have to deal with this guy anymore.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Ugh.
posted by salvia at 2:43 PM on June 2, 2017
I'm getting the feeling that therapist has the mindset "give the Nice Guy a chance", which is completely unprofessional.
posted by brujita at 3:36 PM on June 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by brujita at 3:36 PM on June 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
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