Should I take in my boyfriends cats?
May 22, 2017 4:01 PM Subscribe
I recently moved out of my parents home for the first time and into an apartment on my own. I've been looking at getting a cat and have been very excited to adopt. My boyfriend has 2 cats that he needs to find a home for, and asked me if I could watch them, indefinitely basically. What should I do?
We are both 24. We used to date when we were 15 for 9 months, then I broke up with him, totally regretted it, he moved on, but apparently always regretted not taking me back and always missed me and even talked about me to his friend still. He messaged me on Facebook almost 3 months ago asking how I was, we talked then met up, hit it off, hung out a lot and the feelings came back and now we're dating officially again. Things are going really well.
I just moved out of my dads for the first time a month ago. I've been wanting a cat. My boyfriend actually lives 2 hours away where he was at school, but is moving back to our hometown where I am in with his parents for the time being (he decided to move back right before we started talking again). He plans to move in July or august. His dad is allergic to cats, and so he can't bring them there, but asked me today over text if I would be able to watch them but that it is fine if I can't.
I like his cats. But I was really excited to pick out and name my own cat and bond with it as their sole owner. And I was fine with just one cat. But it seems silly also, as his cats need a home and I'd like a cat.. But if anything ever went south with us I would be upset probably to lose the cats. Also, there is a $300 fee plus $20 monthly pet rent for each animal. He doesn't really have any other close friends in our home town to ask to take them. My mom thinks he should have offered to pay the pet deposit, I don't know though and think it could be awkward to ask.
I'm not sure how to navigate this. I do have anxiety around relationships in general and am probably over thinking.
We are both 24. We used to date when we were 15 for 9 months, then I broke up with him, totally regretted it, he moved on, but apparently always regretted not taking me back and always missed me and even talked about me to his friend still. He messaged me on Facebook almost 3 months ago asking how I was, we talked then met up, hit it off, hung out a lot and the feelings came back and now we're dating officially again. Things are going really well.
I just moved out of my dads for the first time a month ago. I've been wanting a cat. My boyfriend actually lives 2 hours away where he was at school, but is moving back to our hometown where I am in with his parents for the time being (he decided to move back right before we started talking again). He plans to move in July or august. His dad is allergic to cats, and so he can't bring them there, but asked me today over text if I would be able to watch them but that it is fine if I can't.
I like his cats. But I was really excited to pick out and name my own cat and bond with it as their sole owner. And I was fine with just one cat. But it seems silly also, as his cats need a home and I'd like a cat.. But if anything ever went south with us I would be upset probably to lose the cats. Also, there is a $300 fee plus $20 monthly pet rent for each animal. He doesn't really have any other close friends in our home town to ask to take them. My mom thinks he should have offered to pay the pet deposit, I don't know though and think it could be awkward to ask.
I'm not sure how to navigate this. I do have anxiety around relationships in general and am probably over thinking.
Best answer: Also, there is a $300 fee plus $20 monthly pet rent for each animal.
He needs to give you the cats and pay the $600. After that you pay the $40 a month. You do not pay out over 1K a year for the honour of doing someone else a favour.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:12 PM on May 22, 2017 [74 favorites]
He needs to give you the cats and pay the $600. After that you pay the $40 a month. You do not pay out over 1K a year for the honour of doing someone else a favour.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:12 PM on May 22, 2017 [74 favorites]
If he still likes his cats, it's probably better that his cats officially stay as "his cats" as them becoming your cats has more possibilities of bad juju in the future. Them being his cats, he should pay the pet rent for the time being if you are going to take them in, along with paying for cat-related purchases and vet visits. You are not made of money!
And, if you don't mind being doing the work and being tagged as "the cat lady", you can still get your own cat. Maybe around the same time as your boyfriend's cats arrives so that territoriality isn't established, but maybe still expect some cat hissing and cat angst for a while.
"Cat(s)" word count = 11
posted by Seboshin at 4:16 PM on May 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
And, if you don't mind being doing the work and being tagged as "the cat lady", you can still get your own cat. Maybe around the same time as your boyfriend's cats arrives so that territoriality isn't established, but maybe still expect some cat hissing and cat angst for a while.
"Cat(s)" word count = 11
posted by Seboshin at 4:16 PM on May 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Why don't you wait a few months and settle into your new place before you commit to getting a cat? You two have just reconnected. Caring for two pets when you've barely unpacked seems a little hasty. Maybe help him search for a home for the cats and tell him you're not ready to get a pet until you feel more settled. See how it goes with the new apartment and the new rekindled relationship without making life more complicated.
posted by Elsie at 4:17 PM on May 22, 2017 [17 favorites]
posted by Elsie at 4:17 PM on May 22, 2017 [17 favorites]
It's totally understandable if you don't want to care for his cats. Personally I would not want to care for someone else's pets on an indefinite basis.
Either I would ask for a firm time frame, after which the cats would once again be his responsibility; or—assuming I had the willingness and resources to be their forever person—I would take ownership of them from the start.
If he does give you a bounded timeframe, he should pay the fee and rental. Even if he give were to give you the cats, it's reasonable to ask him to pay part of the fee, because you are doing him a serious solid by rehoming his cats.
If he can't give you a firm timeframe, the most likely outcome is that they will become your cats by default. So if you don't feel a big enthusiastic internal yes to the thought of these being your cats for the length of their lives—then say no.
posted by ottereroticist at 4:20 PM on May 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
Either I would ask for a firm time frame, after which the cats would once again be his responsibility; or—assuming I had the willingness and resources to be their forever person—I would take ownership of them from the start.
If he does give you a bounded timeframe, he should pay the fee and rental. Even if he give were to give you the cats, it's reasonable to ask him to pay part of the fee, because you are doing him a serious solid by rehoming his cats.
If he can't give you a firm timeframe, the most likely outcome is that they will become your cats by default. So if you don't feel a big enthusiastic internal yes to the thought of these being your cats for the length of their lives—then say no.
posted by ottereroticist at 4:20 PM on May 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
No. $20 per month rent increase??
This is not something you can do. There is too much potential for future drama to be paying an extra $20 a month for.
$20 per month is a lot and should be going towards pet medical insurance for your own cat, which you get one day far down the road when you can afford the potential medical bills and the cat is all yours and there is no potential for break drama post-adoption.
Do not do this.
posted by jbenben at 4:49 PM on May 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
This is not something you can do. There is too much potential for future drama to be paying an extra $20 a month for.
$20 per month is a lot and should be going towards pet medical insurance for your own cat, which you get one day far down the road when you can afford the potential medical bills and the cat is all yours and there is no potential for break drama post-adoption.
Do not do this.
posted by jbenben at 4:49 PM on May 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
Oh, I'm sorry - you meant $40 per month, that's almost a $500 per year rent increase.
Similarly, imagine this....
The cats are in your care and one of them has a serious injury requiring thousands of dollars of care, and may not survive. You agree to the care on the bf's behalf because of course he would pay, right?? The medical care is administered, the boyfriend breaks up with you, and you still owe the vet $5,000 or more. The debt is in your name, even though it's the bf's cats. See what I mean.
Dear, no. Please don't do this.
posted by jbenben at 4:54 PM on May 22, 2017 [18 favorites]
Similarly, imagine this....
The cats are in your care and one of them has a serious injury requiring thousands of dollars of care, and may not survive. You agree to the care on the bf's behalf because of course he would pay, right?? The medical care is administered, the boyfriend breaks up with you, and you still owe the vet $5,000 or more. The debt is in your name, even though it's the bf's cats. See what I mean.
Dear, no. Please don't do this.
posted by jbenben at 4:54 PM on May 22, 2017 [18 favorites]
What will happen to the cats if you don't take them? If the other option is he'll take them to the shelter and they'll probably be put down, then I would be more likely to find a way to make the rest of it work. Don't think of it as doing him a favor, think of it as doing the innocent kitties a favor. But *definitely* make him pay some of the cost.
posted by mccxxiii at 4:55 PM on May 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by mccxxiii at 4:55 PM on May 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
So you have pay $600 for the privilege of petsitting for him, potentially have the cats trash the place, take on their vet care and everything else that pet ownership involves only to be told you're not really allowed to get attached to them because if you ever break up he'll be taking them back? So you get all the responsibility but none of the joy. Wow, that sounds like a great deal.
I tell you what, you tell your boyfriend you will be doing him a huge favour, yes, favour, by taking on his pets that might otherwise end up in a shelter. In return for that favour, he pays any fees associated with you taking them on, pet deposit, microchipping etc and signs them over to you as their new owner.
If you're just petsitting for cats you will one day give back, he pays for everything. Food, vet bills, anything they break or destroy. He can't have things both ways, it's just not fair. And if he tries to put you in that position, or guilt you for not being overjoyed at paying for the privilege of looking after his responsibilities, well, maybe your original breakup was a good idea. Don't feel bad about this, that's how you get taken advantage of.
posted by Jubey at 4:57 PM on May 22, 2017 [32 favorites]
I tell you what, you tell your boyfriend you will be doing him a huge favour, yes, favour, by taking on his pets that might otherwise end up in a shelter. In return for that favour, he pays any fees associated with you taking them on, pet deposit, microchipping etc and signs them over to you as their new owner.
If you're just petsitting for cats you will one day give back, he pays for everything. Food, vet bills, anything they break or destroy. He can't have things both ways, it's just not fair. And if he tries to put you in that position, or guilt you for not being overjoyed at paying for the privilege of looking after his responsibilities, well, maybe your original breakup was a good idea. Don't feel bad about this, that's how you get taken advantage of.
posted by Jubey at 4:57 PM on May 22, 2017 [32 favorites]
Don't do it. I had a crush on a guy in high school but we hadn't dated. Fast forward ten years and we start talking over facebook and eventually start texting and calling each other. Turns out he's moving to the same town and got a new job and really likes me and only one problem is he can't take his dog. Sooo.. no one can take his dog that he's super attached to and I offer to dogsit as long as he comes over and walks the dog. Well. It happened to be that where he was staying was about an hour away and he was too tired after work to come over and I basically ended up caring for his dog. Not ever owning a dog and working full-time it was so hard.
I bought dog food and toys and a bunch of stuff. Then I find out the dog had fleas the entire time. So I offered to take him to the vet and he said he would take care of it. He didn't. Well, after him not coming by to ever walk his dog or take care of him, I got frustrated and thought maybe it will be much easier if he just moved in. Boy was I ever so so so so gd wrong. I got attached to his dog and long story short, we broke up and he hasn't talked to me since. There was damage to the apartment that I'm going to have to pay and all the money that I wasted caring for his pet and everything else that he mooched off. I'm probably not going to see him or the dog ever again. Don't do it. And maybe, there was a reason you two broke up in the first place.
posted by lunastellasol at 5:24 PM on May 22, 2017 [8 favorites]
I bought dog food and toys and a bunch of stuff. Then I find out the dog had fleas the entire time. So I offered to take him to the vet and he said he would take care of it. He didn't. Well, after him not coming by to ever walk his dog or take care of him, I got frustrated and thought maybe it will be much easier if he just moved in. Boy was I ever so so so so gd wrong. I got attached to his dog and long story short, we broke up and he hasn't talked to me since. There was damage to the apartment that I'm going to have to pay and all the money that I wasted caring for his pet and everything else that he mooched off. I'm probably not going to see him or the dog ever again. Don't do it. And maybe, there was a reason you two broke up in the first place.
posted by lunastellasol at 5:24 PM on May 22, 2017 [8 favorites]
boyfriend actually lives 2 hours away where he was at school, but is moving back to our hometown where I am in with his parents for the time being
That sounds vague and open-ended. How long might this "for the time being" cat-boarding last? As you say in your opening, "indefinitely basically". It feels to me like boyfriend is keeping his options very conveniently open on whether to eventually move in with you, break up and get his own place, or remain at his parents' place indefinitely.
What will happen to the cats if you don't take them?
That was my question too: what's the "it's fine if you can't" option? Are the cats at risk if you don't take them in?
I'm with the commenters above: formalize this. Either he's boarding them with you temporarily, and for a fixed period, and he pays their way, or -- and only if you're willing to make this commitment to these cats -- you're adopting them permanently. Anything in-between is too uncertain. (And not just for you; these cats deserve a stable home too.)
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 5:39 PM on May 22, 2017 [8 favorites]
That sounds vague and open-ended. How long might this "for the time being" cat-boarding last? As you say in your opening, "indefinitely basically". It feels to me like boyfriend is keeping his options very conveniently open on whether to eventually move in with you, break up and get his own place, or remain at his parents' place indefinitely.
What will happen to the cats if you don't take them?
That was my question too: what's the "it's fine if you can't" option? Are the cats at risk if you don't take them in?
I'm with the commenters above: formalize this. Either he's boarding them with you temporarily, and for a fixed period, and he pays their way, or -- and only if you're willing to make this commitment to these cats -- you're adopting them permanently. Anything in-between is too uncertain. (And not just for you; these cats deserve a stable home too.)
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 5:39 PM on May 22, 2017 [8 favorites]
If you like the cats and are concerned about them finding a good home, I'd suggest taking them but telling him he needs to cover the deposit and up-front expenses, and also that he needs to give them to you rather than having you as a long-term cat sitter. An open-ended foster situation is unfair to both you and the cats, and doing someone a favour should not involve up-front expenses.
I understand the desire to bond with your own pet from the beginning, but I think you'll find it easy to love and be loved by these cats if you make the decision to adopt them.
posted by rpfields at 5:56 PM on May 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
I understand the desire to bond with your own pet from the beginning, but I think you'll find it easy to love and be loved by these cats if you make the decision to adopt them.
posted by rpfields at 5:56 PM on May 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Why is your boyfriend choosing accomodation that he knows can't support his pets? Why is his only option to impose them on someone he's only been with for a matter of weeks? It's a shitty thing to do, to both animals he's supposedly made a lifetime commitment to, and to make them your problem, without even offering to cover their most basic cost to you. If you say no (and while he's said it's fine, you know you're his only option) you get to feel guilty about it, but either way these cats aren't staying with their owner, they'll be someone else's issue.
He's had a few chances now to show you how he handles responsibility - choosing to move in with someone whose allergic instead of finding a place where he can take his pets - and then trying to get you to take them without even offering to offset your costs, and while it's early days for you two, it doesn't look great. For me, someone who turfed out their pets because it wasn't convenient would be a dealbreaker.
posted by Jubey at 6:28 PM on May 22, 2017 [7 favorites]
He's had a few chances now to show you how he handles responsibility - choosing to move in with someone whose allergic instead of finding a place where he can take his pets - and then trying to get you to take them without even offering to offset your costs, and while it's early days for you two, it doesn't look great. For me, someone who turfed out their pets because it wasn't convenient would be a dealbreaker.
posted by Jubey at 6:28 PM on May 22, 2017 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Only you know whether your boyfriend is a stand up guy or not. But you can use this situation to find out a LOT about your future relationship. I think you should say
"Yes! I would be glad to care for your cats! It will give me some experience before I pick out my own cat in the future. But the cost for two cats will be a $600 deposit plus $40 a month, plus vets, food, cat litter, etc. and obviously I can't afford to pay $1100 plus the other stuff. So if you will pay for it, I will take them temporarily."
And then listen very carefully to his answer. Because you will learn more about your boyfriend in a day than you could in months of dating.
posted by raisingsand at 6:58 PM on May 22, 2017 [77 favorites]
"Yes! I would be glad to care for your cats! It will give me some experience before I pick out my own cat in the future. But the cost for two cats will be a $600 deposit plus $40 a month, plus vets, food, cat litter, etc. and obviously I can't afford to pay $1100 plus the other stuff. So if you will pay for it, I will take them temporarily."
And then listen very carefully to his answer. Because you will learn more about your boyfriend in a day than you could in months of dating.
posted by raisingsand at 6:58 PM on May 22, 2017 [77 favorites]
It sounds like you haven't actually told him yet how much this will cost?
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:56 PM on May 22, 2017
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:56 PM on May 22, 2017
I looked at your previous questions (sorry) and wanted to remind you of this jbenben comment and your response:
You said you were moving out on your own soon, is it possible he's angling for a place to stay?
posted by jbenben at 12:50 AM on March 5 [6 favorites +] [!]
I did post a status about moving out a couple weeks ago, and he did mention that he was upset that if he moved back home he had to get rid of his cats...
posted by anon1129 at 1:20 AM on March 5 [+] [!]
Emphasis mine. So maybe he wasn't angling for a place to stay, but a place to keep his cats. I hope you following raisingsand's advice, they have it right.
posted by foxjacket at 2:26 PM on May 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
You said you were moving out on your own soon, is it possible he's angling for a place to stay?
posted by jbenben at 12:50 AM on March 5 [6 favorites +] [!]
I did post a status about moving out a couple weeks ago, and he did mention that he was upset that if he moved back home he had to get rid of his cats...
posted by anon1129 at 1:20 AM on March 5 [+] [!]
Emphasis mine. So maybe he wasn't angling for a place to stay, but a place to keep his cats. I hope you following raisingsand's advice, they have it right.
posted by foxjacket at 2:26 PM on May 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
And then listen very carefully to his answer. Because you will learn more about your boyfriend in a day than you could in months of dating.
posted by raisingsand
I would add this: And then see if he follows through with what he says!!
I can think of examples where "nice" friends got into these situations (doing someone else a favor), then the favor-asker reneged. It came off as taking advantage, as though they were counting on my friend being nice and finding it too awkward to bring up later.
My mom thinks he should have offered to pay the pet deposit, I don't know though and think it could be awkward to ask.
Your mom is right. If I'm asking a favor of someone, the right thing to do would be to offer to pay the costs, before that becomes an issue. It's inconsiderate not to offer (and thus create $ or awkwardness burdens on you).
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 5:45 AM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by raisingsand
I would add this: And then see if he follows through with what he says!!
I can think of examples where "nice" friends got into these situations (doing someone else a favor), then the favor-asker reneged. It came off as taking advantage, as though they were counting on my friend being nice and finding it too awkward to bring up later.
My mom thinks he should have offered to pay the pet deposit, I don't know though and think it could be awkward to ask.
Your mom is right. If I'm asking a favor of someone, the right thing to do would be to offer to pay the costs, before that becomes an issue. It's inconsiderate not to offer (and thus create $ or awkwardness burdens on you).
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 5:45 AM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no and no!!!!!!!! I did this for a boyfriend. It was a small dog and a cat. He paid my pet deposit, cool. (I didn't have a monthly pet rent) He did buy their litter, food, treats, etc as well. First off, the dog was not potty trained and I had carpet. I don't care how far I walked this dog, she would come back in and do her business in my living room. One evening, I ordered pizza and when I opened the door, out runs the dog. I go after her but she made it to the street before I made it to her. I took her to the emergency vet, where after many heroic efforts, the dog died. He worked as an air traffic controller, so he couldn't have his phone while he worked. He finally got the 'CALL ME' text on his break, but it was too late by then. He accused me of letting her out on purpose (because I didn't like her) and refused to reimburse me for the $1200 and some change they charged at the vet, even though he said he would have taken her to the vet too. We broke up over the dog. He came and collected his kitty and that was it. Then, I got my precious little Mischa, who I named and bonded with, as her sole owner...and I didn't have to pay the pet deposit again, but $300 is a far cry from the $1200 he owed me.
posted by Amalie-Suzette at 12:10 PM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Amalie-Suzette at 12:10 PM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
Just wondering how you went with this?
posted by Jubey at 3:38 AM on May 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 3:38 AM on May 27, 2017 [3 favorites]
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I get where you're coming from about wanting your own cat! Choosing and bringing home your first pet of your own is amazing. But by taking in his cats, you're just delaying that experience, not setting it aside forever.
I know he says it's fine if you can't take the cats, but people care deeply for their pets and if you choose not to take them (which is a perfectly valid choice!) it will add tension to your relationship.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:07 PM on May 22, 2017 [7 favorites]