Kissing techniques for the inexperienced
May 8, 2017 4:34 PM Subscribe
My new boyfriend and I (a woman) are in our mid 20s and have kissed each other a few times although it hasn't been good. It's literally us putting our lips straight on together and then seperating. Kind of boring but I want it to get better. This is my first relationship and his second, so I think we need the basics. We both admitted we don't know what to do.Like how to position our lips and faces, how to move them around, etc. It doesn't feel natural to me at all although I really like him. Some detailed responses would be great!
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Violetblue is a sex educator and created a page for this question.
https://www.tinynibbles.com/how-to-kiss
http://www.vixendaily.com/love/kiss/
posted by just.good.enough at 5:03 PM on May 8, 2017
Violetblue is a sex educator and created a page for this question.
https://www.tinynibbles.com/how-to-kiss
http://www.vixendaily.com/love/kiss/
posted by just.good.enough at 5:03 PM on May 8, 2017
Maybe don't focus on what you're _doing_ or how it looks, but rather on what you're feeling. Just come together and notice different tiny sensations, don't move unless you feel moved to move, don't stop and analyze; just keep your focus on what you're feeling and experiencing.
posted by amtho at 5:39 PM on May 8, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by amtho at 5:39 PM on May 8, 2017 [7 favorites]
Yeah, the best way I can describe it is diagonally shifting your faces and using your lips to basically taste their lips. You have to have your mouth open. Then I just move my lips at a pace that feels enjoyable, moving against their lips. You lips have to do a lot of work - be intentional, like 'oh now I am going to kiss the side of his mouth, now the top of his lip, now I am going to pull his bottom lip into my mouth.' You also vary your pace to fit the mood.
posted by tooloudinhere at 5:55 PM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by tooloudinhere at 5:55 PM on May 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Maybe don't focus on what you're _doing_ or how it looks, but rather on what you're feeling.
This! You have a nice opportunity to try stuff out with instant feedback, your feelings and your partner's.
There is actually a great variety of kissing technique out in the wild, with different things appealing to different people, so while explicit advice may build your confidence (good!), it can only get you so far. You'll have to try things out. So, my advice is to get some mileage while listening to each other's bodies. (Ew, gross!)
That said, a tiny bit of basic advice:
It's literally us putting our lips straight on together and then seperating.
Aha! Because of the geography of the face (especially the nose!), you actually can't get very close to another person on a straight approach. The typical workaround is for each person to cock their head by, like, 10 degrees to opposite sides. This allows your mouth to reach most of the other person's mouth, which for mysterious reasons seems to be sexy.
Um, finally, don't forget that you can touch the other person while you're doing this, within whatever parameters of okay touching you have.
God I don't think I'd've started writing this comment if I knew how much of a turbo-nerd I'd feel like!
posted by grobstein at 7:25 PM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
This! You have a nice opportunity to try stuff out with instant feedback, your feelings and your partner's.
There is actually a great variety of kissing technique out in the wild, with different things appealing to different people, so while explicit advice may build your confidence (good!), it can only get you so far. You'll have to try things out. So, my advice is to get some mileage while listening to each other's bodies. (Ew, gross!)
That said, a tiny bit of basic advice:
It's literally us putting our lips straight on together and then seperating.
Aha! Because of the geography of the face (especially the nose!), you actually can't get very close to another person on a straight approach. The typical workaround is for each person to cock their head by, like, 10 degrees to opposite sides. This allows your mouth to reach most of the other person's mouth, which for mysterious reasons seems to be sexy.
Um, finally, don't forget that you can touch the other person while you're doing this, within whatever parameters of okay touching you have.
God I don't think I'd've started writing this comment if I knew how much of a turbo-nerd I'd feel like!
posted by grobstein at 7:25 PM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
What a wonderful question.
So, here's nearly 70 years of experience responding....
Relax, there's not a single one of us that haven't struggled with the technique of the most basic act of physical intimacy... welcome to oue world!
My first kiss was a venture into a world of terrifying unknowns.... would I do it right, would she do it right, what happens next, a hundred questions, zero answers... Hundreds, no, thousands of kisses later, I still want to make sure that it's just right....
Relax, find quiet times to explore each other, the kiss is only a portion of the connection. There are the words, the touches, the sharing and the dreams.... The mechanics of the kiss will resolve over time, you'll find the fit and the method that works for the two of you..
Relax, close your eyes, draw a deep breath and share it, melt and sigh....
The thrill never ends... 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years from now, that kiss will bind the relationship, you'll find the style that works... Have fun...
posted by HuronBob at 9:28 PM on May 8, 2017 [21 favorites]
So, here's nearly 70 years of experience responding....
Relax, there's not a single one of us that haven't struggled with the technique of the most basic act of physical intimacy... welcome to oue world!
My first kiss was a venture into a world of terrifying unknowns.... would I do it right, would she do it right, what happens next, a hundred questions, zero answers... Hundreds, no, thousands of kisses later, I still want to make sure that it's just right....
Relax, find quiet times to explore each other, the kiss is only a portion of the connection. There are the words, the touches, the sharing and the dreams.... The mechanics of the kiss will resolve over time, you'll find the fit and the method that works for the two of you..
Relax, close your eyes, draw a deep breath and share it, melt and sigh....
The thrill never ends... 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years from now, that kiss will bind the relationship, you'll find the style that works... Have fun...
posted by HuronBob at 9:28 PM on May 8, 2017 [21 favorites]
The best kissers I've had were 'firm' kissers, they didn't just smash their smushy lips against mine- they were mindful of pulling their lips a bit taut before going for it. I'm not sure if this is accomplished by pulling the lips into a bit of a smile or pulling them back a bit or what, but I always appreciate it when someone doesn't mash super smushy lips into my face. They also took their time, they didn't kiss me quickly or get all grabby and nervous and slobber all over me. Try not to deposit a lot of saliva into the person's mouth. Keep the wetness under control.
So try to maintain a bit of control over the texture of your lips, and try not to slobber on the person. Deep tongue kissing should be done carefully and slowly. Take your time, and try different movements and transitioning from the top to the bottom, see what you like. Becoming a good kisser takes practice and patience. I would say the most important thing is to move slowly, I think nervous people can start to kiss too quickly and they get sloppy and it can become awkward and gross. Lunging is never good, lol, just move slowly.
posted by Avosunspin at 11:19 PM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
So try to maintain a bit of control over the texture of your lips, and try not to slobber on the person. Deep tongue kissing should be done carefully and slowly. Take your time, and try different movements and transitioning from the top to the bottom, see what you like. Becoming a good kisser takes practice and patience. I would say the most important thing is to move slowly, I think nervous people can start to kiss too quickly and they get sloppy and it can become awkward and gross. Lunging is never good, lol, just move slowly.
posted by Avosunspin at 11:19 PM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Find some good kissing scenes in films or on YouTube and watch how the people are moving. Do they tilt their heads, how are they moving their jaws, where are they kissing the other person's mouth, etc
posted by Avosunspin at 11:27 PM on May 8, 2017
posted by Avosunspin at 11:27 PM on May 8, 2017
Will Powers: Kissing with Confidence:
posted by rongorongo at 12:29 AM on May 9, 2017
"You may also find yourself worrying about what will happen once you are in the act of kissing."Will Powers" - with voice slowed to sound male - was the stage name used by Lynn Goldsmith to make an album of songs parodying the self help industry. The implication of the parody is "don't worry about it too much, relax and don't take it too seriously". That is probably fine for stage 1 - but beyond that there are definitely techniques that can learned. So I mention the song for its catchiness and for the "romance chant method", which is of course essential.
Will your stomach growl? Will your braces lock? Will you be able to prolong the kiss and still breathe?
Will I spoil it with my overbite?
Will our noses bump in the moonlight?
When our lips meet, will they fit right?
These worries are best cleared from the mind by the romance chant method,
a technique which will also place your lips naturally in kissing position.
'Hableme el unico del mundo,
digame: Como te hace ese sonido,
tan glorioso, que aun hora con anticipacion de el,
me ha reducio a un bestia,
gruendo, entusiomandose y palpitando'
Practice this chant in the morning as you rise, in the evening as you retire and just before a date."
posted by rongorongo at 12:29 AM on May 9, 2017
Watch the kissing scene from Some Kind of Wonderful.
posted by fourpotatoes at 4:13 AM on May 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by fourpotatoes at 4:13 AM on May 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
"I do not know how to kiss, or I would kiss you. Where do the noses go?" - Maria, in "For Whom The Bell Tolls
Mouths are damp and clumsily placed teeth can make one or both participants uncomfortable and supposing it gets ticklish? This means that beginners tend to to start like a gourami trying to remove snail eggs off the inside glass of an aquarium with quick well aimed suction and then release. It works for removing splinters but not so well to get your partner to collapse into a bliss like state of compliance to your wicked ways.
I suggest you start slowly with nuzzling. Infants looking for a nipple begin with a rooting reflex, so get used to rubbing your mouth and lips and nose against each other's erogenous zones - such as hands and cheeks - before you move on to actual lips. Don't go for actual sucking, especially not hard sucking, at first. It's much closer to drinking in gulps that sucking from a straw.... The motion is called "stripping". You are more trying to massage the other person's mouth with your own tongue and lips than trying to suck them down and swallow them.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:01 AM on May 9, 2017
Mouths are damp and clumsily placed teeth can make one or both participants uncomfortable and supposing it gets ticklish? This means that beginners tend to to start like a gourami trying to remove snail eggs off the inside glass of an aquarium with quick well aimed suction and then release. It works for removing splinters but not so well to get your partner to collapse into a bliss like state of compliance to your wicked ways.
I suggest you start slowly with nuzzling. Infants looking for a nipple begin with a rooting reflex, so get used to rubbing your mouth and lips and nose against each other's erogenous zones - such as hands and cheeks - before you move on to actual lips. Don't go for actual sucking, especially not hard sucking, at first. It's much closer to drinking in gulps that sucking from a straw.... The motion is called "stripping". You are more trying to massage the other person's mouth with your own tongue and lips than trying to suck them down and swallow them.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:01 AM on May 9, 2017
Okay... married for 36 years here, so this is what can work....
Lips are like fingers. Get close. A little closer. And then... just brush your lips against the other's.
Be gentle. Go on a tour of the other person's face. Nibble. Lightly breathe. Brush... brush....
** Take it from there. It's all in the anticipation. **
posted by TrishaU at 9:28 AM on May 9, 2017
Lips are like fingers. Get close. A little closer. And then... just brush your lips against the other's.
Be gentle. Go on a tour of the other person's face. Nibble. Lightly breathe. Brush... brush....
** Take it from there. It's all in the anticipation. **
posted by TrishaU at 9:28 AM on May 9, 2017
Stick your tongue out and ask you partner to suck it for as long as he likes. Do the same to him. Get comfortable. Add lips. Work backwards from there.
posted by mani at 1:53 PM on May 9, 2017
posted by mani at 1:53 PM on May 9, 2017
At its very best, IMO, a kiss is a soft communication, showing affection, receiving affection. If that works for both, the kissing gets more intense.
Of course it can start out intense, and that's not always bad. But it sounds like you're at a place where you can enjoy the first, far more sublime kissing.
Just relax and express some affection without words.
Oh, to be in my 20s again. Or my 30s. Or 40s. ... or ... you know.
posted by LonnieK at 7:11 PM on May 17, 2017
Of course it can start out intense, and that's not always bad. But it sounds like you're at a place where you can enjoy the first, far more sublime kissing.
Just relax and express some affection without words.
Oh, to be in my 20s again. Or my 30s. Or 40s. ... or ... you know.
posted by LonnieK at 7:11 PM on May 17, 2017
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posted by 256 at 4:54 PM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]