long dating slogs: tales of duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, etc., goose
May 3, 2017 7:14 AM Subscribe
I'm looking for stories of people who went on dates with a lot of different people for a long time (everyone in their lives may or may not have been secretly wondering what was wrong with them to have so many dead-end dates) and then suddenly went on a date with someone and soon enough was like "yep, you're great" and the other person felt the same way in return. Is sometimes dating indeed just a numbers game?
These kind of stories are speckled through the answers of "why can't I find anyone"-style asks and I always love reading them. Dating gets disheartening (until it hopefully doesn't?), and stories of dating long-hauls that ended well would be lovely to read.
Further snowflakes:
I'm doing what you're meant to: I'm working on myself, I'm valuing my family and friendships and pets, I'm taking myself on dates, I'm learning more about what I value in a partner, have hobbies, a career. I was "waiting for it to just happen" for the past 4 years before I decided well over a year ago to start dating (40+ dates I'd guess so far). I'm getting much better at going on more promising dates, a few have led to a few more dates but there's never been a strong connection, someone who feels like they could maybe become a best friend and lover and partner.
I have an unusual cultural background (for my area), had an unusual upbringing and work in a specialised niche field. It's rare that I find someone I connect with and want to pursue. Similarly, people tend to like me but find me odd (numerous people have told me this- it's not a euphemism nor a badge of honour it just is). A few people in my life have fallen in love with me and I have fallen in love with a couple of people in the past and I have some very close friends; (low moments aside) I don't think there's anything too wrong with me. I'm at least somewhat attractive. I think my standards are realistic and my close friends who I talk to about dating agree, I'm just still looking for someone who's on a similar radio frequency to me. I'm a woman, straight and in my early 30s.
Tales of long dating roads would be appreciated!
These kind of stories are speckled through the answers of "why can't I find anyone"-style asks and I always love reading them. Dating gets disheartening (until it hopefully doesn't?), and stories of dating long-hauls that ended well would be lovely to read.
Further snowflakes:
I'm doing what you're meant to: I'm working on myself, I'm valuing my family and friendships and pets, I'm taking myself on dates, I'm learning more about what I value in a partner, have hobbies, a career. I was "waiting for it to just happen" for the past 4 years before I decided well over a year ago to start dating (40+ dates I'd guess so far). I'm getting much better at going on more promising dates, a few have led to a few more dates but there's never been a strong connection, someone who feels like they could maybe become a best friend and lover and partner.
I have an unusual cultural background (for my area), had an unusual upbringing and work in a specialised niche field. It's rare that I find someone I connect with and want to pursue. Similarly, people tend to like me but find me odd (numerous people have told me this- it's not a euphemism nor a badge of honour it just is). A few people in my life have fallen in love with me and I have fallen in love with a couple of people in the past and I have some very close friends; (low moments aside) I don't think there's anything too wrong with me. I'm at least somewhat attractive. I think my standards are realistic and my close friends who I talk to about dating agree, I'm just still looking for someone who's on a similar radio frequency to me. I'm a woman, straight and in my early 30s.
Tales of long dating roads would be appreciated!
Hi, this is me! I was 19 when I started dating (if you can call it that when I started - the first guy I dated was my boyfriend for 7 years off and on.) I'm 36 now. In those 17 years I've had 6 boyfriends and one girlfriend and honestly countless people I dated anywhere from a single time to a couple of months without things getting serious. I also spent a fair amount of time single and not actively dating.
While not all of my relationships or dating experiences were healthy, I learned a ton about myself and other people through them. For me it wasn't just kissing frogs until I found the right person at the right time, it was a process of figuring out who I was in a partnership. I had to understand what it's like to meet someone else's needs while looking out for my own, how to set boundaries, what I like in bed (and that I need to sleep in an actual bed, unlike some of my former boyfriends, bless them and their blanket nests.)
I consider myself very fortunate that I got to keep some of these people as friends. Others I am no longer in touch with but remember fondly, and there are a few I consider myself lucky to be rid of. And one I worry about to this day. For me the hardest thing about dating a lot is forming an emotional attachment and then letting someone go if they need to go. It's painful to lose someone regardless of who dumped who. Usually if I spend time with someone romantically I develop a concern for and interest in them that doesn't dissipate quickly (or ever) and I find it hard (although completely necessary if that's what they want!) to have someone go no contact afterwards.
It's all been worth it, though. I recently shared the story of how I met my now-boyfriend in a previous answer on Ask if you would like the full story. Short version, we've been together for almost two years and I hope to keep this going for the rest of our lives. I've never felt this happy, secure, confident or smitten with anyone. But I don't think what we have together would be nearly as good if I lacked the relationship skill set or perspective that came with a whole lot of dating.
I also feel lucky that I haven't been on the receiving end of a lot of judgment for my history. My boyfriend jokes about my "trail of broken hearts," but he's fine with my occasional dinners with exes and understands that I am wholeheartedly with him, not them. My roommates may have had some private side-eye at the number of dudes I brought home over the years but never made me feel the least bit judged. Which is how it should be!
posted by prewar lemonade at 8:16 AM on May 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
While not all of my relationships or dating experiences were healthy, I learned a ton about myself and other people through them. For me it wasn't just kissing frogs until I found the right person at the right time, it was a process of figuring out who I was in a partnership. I had to understand what it's like to meet someone else's needs while looking out for my own, how to set boundaries, what I like in bed (and that I need to sleep in an actual bed, unlike some of my former boyfriends, bless them and their blanket nests.)
I consider myself very fortunate that I got to keep some of these people as friends. Others I am no longer in touch with but remember fondly, and there are a few I consider myself lucky to be rid of. And one I worry about to this day. For me the hardest thing about dating a lot is forming an emotional attachment and then letting someone go if they need to go. It's painful to lose someone regardless of who dumped who. Usually if I spend time with someone romantically I develop a concern for and interest in them that doesn't dissipate quickly (or ever) and I find it hard (although completely necessary if that's what they want!) to have someone go no contact afterwards.
It's all been worth it, though. I recently shared the story of how I met my now-boyfriend in a previous answer on Ask if you would like the full story. Short version, we've been together for almost two years and I hope to keep this going for the rest of our lives. I've never felt this happy, secure, confident or smitten with anyone. But I don't think what we have together would be nearly as good if I lacked the relationship skill set or perspective that came with a whole lot of dating.
I also feel lucky that I haven't been on the receiving end of a lot of judgment for my history. My boyfriend jokes about my "trail of broken hearts," but he's fine with my occasional dinners with exes and understands that I am wholeheartedly with him, not them. My roommates may have had some private side-eye at the number of dudes I brought home over the years but never made me feel the least bit judged. Which is how it should be!
posted by prewar lemonade at 8:16 AM on May 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
It's a balance between being too picky and not picky enough, IMO. However, I personally found that
balance worked for me best when favoring "not picky enough" - when it comes to first dates over coffee that last an hour or less.
At first I had really high standards for meeting people offline- perfect profile, photogenic. Didn't work for me. Dates were fewer but people were never quite as I built up my expectations.
Then I started going on at least a first date with basically anyone halfway decent, like "eh, who knows? probably not, but maybe?" and this approach definitely eventually led to success. Also, a lot of good stories and more dating confidence. Meeting people in person who I would ordinarily rule out over some transgression on their profile was the best strategy for me. People look different than photos, people are more charming in real life. I upped the numbers and found someone who wouldn't have made the "stringent cut" before (based on online profiles) but was better IRL.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:23 AM on May 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
balance worked for me best when favoring "not picky enough" - when it comes to first dates over coffee that last an hour or less.
At first I had really high standards for meeting people offline- perfect profile, photogenic. Didn't work for me. Dates were fewer but people were never quite as I built up my expectations.
Then I started going on at least a first date with basically anyone halfway decent, like "eh, who knows? probably not, but maybe?" and this approach definitely eventually led to success. Also, a lot of good stories and more dating confidence. Meeting people in person who I would ordinarily rule out over some transgression on their profile was the best strategy for me. People look different than photos, people are more charming in real life. I upped the numbers and found someone who wouldn't have made the "stringent cut" before (based on online profiles) but was better IRL.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:23 AM on May 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
I did online dating back in the early 2000's, went on a dozen or so first dates, had a couple of short term relationships, but nothing too serious. I then had a couple of long term relationships that started more traditionally. After my last one, I took about 8 months off dating, then got back into online dating. Over the course of the next year I sent maybe a couple hundred messages, went on dozens of dates. There were a handful of women I ended up seeing for a few weeks to a couple months. There was nothing wrong with any of the women I met, any of them would be great for the right guy.
I decided I was going to take a break and stopped messaging any more women. A few weeks later I got a message from someone who looked interesting and decided to go on another date. We've been together for over two years now.
I think it's partly a numbers game but also it was about me figuring out what I was looking for.
posted by justkevin at 8:31 AM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
I decided I was going to take a break and stopped messaging any more women. A few weeks later I got a message from someone who looked interesting and decided to go on another date. We've been together for over two years now.
I think it's partly a numbers game but also it was about me figuring out what I was looking for.
posted by justkevin at 8:31 AM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
I knew a woman years ago who decided to go on 100 dates, just to see what would happen. She was in her late 20s at the time.
This was a big city, and 100 dates ended up being a date almost every night, sometimes drinks with one and dinner with another on the same evening. She did everything you do -- she went online, she asked friends to set her up, she'd meet people when she was out and about and at least have coffee with anyone she met who sounded nice. And she did a lot of the asking out, too.
I think she was about 1/2 to 3/4 of the way through (I think) when her roommate moved out and she and her remaining roommate were interviewing for a replacement, and she had an instant connection with one of the men who came by to look at the room. She didn't give him the room (due to the instant connection), but she did ask him out. Fireworks. She moved in with him several months later, got married, and they've been married ever since.
posted by mochapickle at 8:46 AM on May 3, 2017 [10 favorites]
This was a big city, and 100 dates ended up being a date almost every night, sometimes drinks with one and dinner with another on the same evening. She did everything you do -- she went online, she asked friends to set her up, she'd meet people when she was out and about and at least have coffee with anyone she met who sounded nice. And she did a lot of the asking out, too.
I think she was about 1/2 to 3/4 of the way through (I think) when her roommate moved out and she and her remaining roommate were interviewing for a replacement, and she had an instant connection with one of the men who came by to look at the room. She didn't give him the room (due to the instant connection), but she did ask him out. Fireworks. She moved in with him several months later, got married, and they've been married ever since.
posted by mochapickle at 8:46 AM on May 3, 2017 [10 favorites]
Following along for my own sanity. So far, numbers-wise, I've been really excited about 1/12 of the people I've been out with. One reciprocated, and we did the too intense-too fast thing and that ended...poorly; another begged off because of a health concern (or whatever, you never know); and the third...remains to be seen.
Weirdly, keeping track of the numbers has been helpful to me. After like 15 terrible-to-blah first dates in a row it can be disheartening. Reminding myself that it's a numbers game does help.
It's also helped me get to a place where I'm...fine with it? Like, ok, maybe this is just how it is for a while. You get to meet a lot of people, and some of them will stick around in some fashion. People are wonderful (and terrible).
Nthing the best thing being what it's helped me figure out about myself, though. And I find that as I've let go of the idea of an end goal (so to speak), I've enjoyed the whole process a lot more, and have generally kind of relaxed, which is nice.
Journey, not the destination, etc etc.
posted by schadenfrau at 9:01 AM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
Weirdly, keeping track of the numbers has been helpful to me. After like 15 terrible-to-blah first dates in a row it can be disheartening. Reminding myself that it's a numbers game does help.
It's also helped me get to a place where I'm...fine with it? Like, ok, maybe this is just how it is for a while. You get to meet a lot of people, and some of them will stick around in some fashion. People are wonderful (and terrible).
Nthing the best thing being what it's helped me figure out about myself, though. And I find that as I've let go of the idea of an end goal (so to speak), I've enjoyed the whole process a lot more, and have generally kind of relaxed, which is nice.
Journey, not the destination, etc etc.
posted by schadenfrau at 9:01 AM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
Totally me...I spent decades going on dates and either getting my heart broken, getting ghosted, or just feeling meh about the whole thing. It was soooo dispiriting and at times soul crushing. But I just kept picking myself back up, dusting myself off and going back out there. I finally met my current boyfriend on OK Cupid and knew there was a pretty strong connection right from the get go and that it was reciprocated
However, even with that strong, mutual connection there were factors that some people would consider red flags or deal breakers. He was feeling like he was in a "transitional phase" due to getting through some serious sh@$ with his ex and in our first year of dating we experienced some critical communication issues that sent us to counseling. Even now he's in a non-traditional living situation with his ex.
Throughout this time I had to really think through how much I was willing to risk emotionally, how much uncertainty I could stand. I also had to really assert my needs and push myself/learn other ways of communicating about hard stuff. I will also say that while there was good intellectual and physical chemistry from the start it took him some time to get loose and open around me and I had to learn to let him help me more (I can be independent to a fault). So all that's to say that I generally believe when it comes to dating you know it when you feel it, but even then you're often going to be in a position of needing to adjust, learn, and grow with another person and that will entail some period of uncertainty.
We're on year 3 now and still kind of non-traditional, but also have a really strong bond and have both really opened one another up to new experiences and growth.
I also found this book - It's Not You: 27 (wrong) Reasons You're Single - a great reassurance during some particular low points.
posted by brookeb at 11:06 AM on May 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
However, even with that strong, mutual connection there were factors that some people would consider red flags or deal breakers. He was feeling like he was in a "transitional phase" due to getting through some serious sh@$ with his ex and in our first year of dating we experienced some critical communication issues that sent us to counseling. Even now he's in a non-traditional living situation with his ex.
Throughout this time I had to really think through how much I was willing to risk emotionally, how much uncertainty I could stand. I also had to really assert my needs and push myself/learn other ways of communicating about hard stuff. I will also say that while there was good intellectual and physical chemistry from the start it took him some time to get loose and open around me and I had to learn to let him help me more (I can be independent to a fault). So all that's to say that I generally believe when it comes to dating you know it when you feel it, but even then you're often going to be in a position of needing to adjust, learn, and grow with another person and that will entail some period of uncertainty.
We're on year 3 now and still kind of non-traditional, but also have a really strong bond and have both really opened one another up to new experiences and growth.
I also found this book - It's Not You: 27 (wrong) Reasons You're Single - a great reassurance during some particular low points.
posted by brookeb at 11:06 AM on May 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
I picked up brookeb's rec above, It's Not You, and 10/10, do recommend. I thought I'd done a lot of this personal work already, but wow, she did more. It's a good one.
posted by schadenfrau at 2:43 PM on May 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by schadenfrau at 2:43 PM on May 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
I started online dating when I was 19 (I'm 29 now). Initially I cast a wide net, dated for dating's sake, and the only rule I had when deciding if I wanted to keep seeing someone was feeling a sense of 'connection' that I deemed worth pursuing.
After several years of soul searching, I realized that I was unsuccessful and unfulfilled with dating partly because that sense of connection I sought was too nebulous to be a reliable compass. I gradually learned to define 'connection' for myself as compatibility in terms of cultural upbringing (I grew up in SE Asia and moved to the US in my teens), core values (based on Catholic teachings), and goals for the future. With this in mind, I was able to significantly narrow down my dating pool and make the process easier because I was focusing on three prerequisites that are most important to me without fearing that I was missing out on possibilities I may be excluding in my narrowed down pool.
I met my current boyfriend when I was 28. We have similar cultural backgrounds and after immersing himself in an RCIA inquiry program to expand his understanding of the Catholic faith (he was Buddhist/agnostic when we met), he made a decision to go through the process of converting to Catholicism. Our relationship became more fulfilling once we dedicated it to helping each other deepen and grow in our faith.
IMHO, being honest with myself and extremely specific about what I was looking for in a partner helped me drown out the noise and be more efficient in dating but in retrospect it ultimately boiled down to timing, tenacity, and a bit of good luck.
posted by tackypink at 3:47 PM on May 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
After several years of soul searching, I realized that I was unsuccessful and unfulfilled with dating partly because that sense of connection I sought was too nebulous to be a reliable compass. I gradually learned to define 'connection' for myself as compatibility in terms of cultural upbringing (I grew up in SE Asia and moved to the US in my teens), core values (based on Catholic teachings), and goals for the future. With this in mind, I was able to significantly narrow down my dating pool and make the process easier because I was focusing on three prerequisites that are most important to me without fearing that I was missing out on possibilities I may be excluding in my narrowed down pool.
I met my current boyfriend when I was 28. We have similar cultural backgrounds and after immersing himself in an RCIA inquiry program to expand his understanding of the Catholic faith (he was Buddhist/agnostic when we met), he made a decision to go through the process of converting to Catholicism. Our relationship became more fulfilling once we dedicated it to helping each other deepen and grow in our faith.
IMHO, being honest with myself and extremely specific about what I was looking for in a partner helped me drown out the noise and be more efficient in dating but in retrospect it ultimately boiled down to timing, tenacity, and a bit of good luck.
posted by tackypink at 3:47 PM on May 6, 2017 [2 favorites]
This is me! I dipped my toe in online dating around age 29, and was on and off for years, never meeting anyone I dated for more than a month until I met my now-spouse at age 33.
The things that helped were:
1. Figuring out where on the internet made sense for me. I eventually narrowed it down to OkCupid as having the people who were most likely to be people I connected with. I also changed cities during this time to my hometown (major metro area), where I felt like I was more normal rather than an odd duck.
2. TAKING BREAKS and setting boundaries. Looking back on it, I was so hard on myself mentally/emotionally when I was single and exhausted from online dating but didn't want to stop because what if I missed my chance at my soul mate? Baloney. I wish I'd given myself more off periods when I just wasn't feeling it. When I restarted after I moved, I made very specific rules like "no more than 2 dates a week" and "no going out of my way to meet someone" which made it take over my life less.
3. The book "It's Not You," mentioned above
4. Listening to my gut (and tracking my dates). I kept track of who I went on first, second, third dates with. This helped me identify a pattern: at first, if someone seemed like not a serial killer and they asked me on a second date, I would go. But then I would start to seriously dread the date and want to cancel. I realized I needed to only go on second dates if I was excited about them. I got good at checking in with myself to see if I wanted to go on a second date rather than talking myself into it. I eventually set a goal of going on 50% fewer second dates at 33 than 32. And if I sensed anything even a little weird, I didn't excuse it, I just didn't move forward. More of those second dates turned into third dates and one of those turned into a life partner.
Bonus: I stole this breakup text email from ask metafilter, get good at using it: hi name, I'm glad we got to meet up and I enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think that we have the kind of chemistry I'm looking for. Best of luck in your search.
posted by theflash at 7:29 PM on May 6, 2017 [4 favorites]
The things that helped were:
1. Figuring out where on the internet made sense for me. I eventually narrowed it down to OkCupid as having the people who were most likely to be people I connected with. I also changed cities during this time to my hometown (major metro area), where I felt like I was more normal rather than an odd duck.
2. TAKING BREAKS and setting boundaries. Looking back on it, I was so hard on myself mentally/emotionally when I was single and exhausted from online dating but didn't want to stop because what if I missed my chance at my soul mate? Baloney. I wish I'd given myself more off periods when I just wasn't feeling it. When I restarted after I moved, I made very specific rules like "no more than 2 dates a week" and "no going out of my way to meet someone" which made it take over my life less.
3. The book "It's Not You," mentioned above
4. Listening to my gut (and tracking my dates). I kept track of who I went on first, second, third dates with. This helped me identify a pattern: at first, if someone seemed like not a serial killer and they asked me on a second date, I would go. But then I would start to seriously dread the date and want to cancel. I realized I needed to only go on second dates if I was excited about them. I got good at checking in with myself to see if I wanted to go on a second date rather than talking myself into it. I eventually set a goal of going on 50% fewer second dates at 33 than 32. And if I sensed anything even a little weird, I didn't excuse it, I just didn't move forward. More of those second dates turned into third dates and one of those turned into a life partner.
Bonus: I stole this breakup text email from ask metafilter, get good at using it: hi name, I'm glad we got to meet up and I enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think that we have the kind of chemistry I'm looking for. Best of luck in your search.
posted by theflash at 7:29 PM on May 6, 2017 [4 favorites]
If you don't want to read through the whole book that was linked to above, the author had a great piece in the New York Times that tells her personal story, which fits your bill.
posted by unannihilated at 12:30 PM on May 7, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by unannihilated at 12:30 PM on May 7, 2017 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
The problem I had before meeting my wife is that I was simply on the wrong dating site. I know dating sites have changed in 12 years, but the concept is the same: I was using the wrong tool for the job. I was using eHarmony, so by the time you actually meet someone in person, the other person is practically wanting to just get married, but you meet, find out the person is nothing like the person you were emailing, and all parties just wasted so much time that they can't get back, let alone the natural frustration and disappointment. Do that times 10, 20, 30, and you think that *you* are the problem, but you aren't.
I then tried out Match.com where the attitude was completely different. It was more of a "date, have fun, and see how it goes attitude," so both my now-wife and I went into it with absolutely zero expectations. And the rest is history.
Outside of dating online, I had a hard time meeting people because my circles of friends were either co-workers (who were just teenagers at the time; I was much older), or my very conservative circle of friends who all got married as soon as they were done with high school/college because you are "supposed to" among that crowd, thus all of my friends and their friends and their friends-of-friends were already married. I assumed something was wrong with me, but again it wasn't me--it was my crowd of choice to hang out with. Nothing wrong with that--it just didn't lead to available folks to date.
I also had a very restrictive set of criteria which narrowed things down a lot, but again nothing wrong with that--but it did make things more difficult.
posted by TinWhistle at 7:42 AM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]