How do I date the bubble-boy?
April 25, 2017 11:05 AM Subscribe
I met a great new guy, but he thinks he might be allergic to my dog.
We went on a wonderful first date - no awkwardness, great conversation, lots of chemistry and strong attraction on both sides (we even made plans to see each other again before the first date ended). On our date, we took my car and afterwards he told me he thinks he might be allergic to my dog (symptoms being congestion a few hours later). He knew I had a dog well in advance of anything. He's coming over to my place tomorrow to see how allergic he might be to my pup. For the past few days I've been stressing out about this. I've been cleaning everything: vacuuming the carpet, washing towels, bedding, dusting, changing the AC air filter, etc. I don't want the fact that I have a dog to be a deal breaker (especially since he knew about her before he asked me out). Is there anything else I should do to minimize the allergens? If he is allergic, is it reasonable to ask if he might be open to taking allergy medication, or see an allergist? I realize this is a lot to ask of someone on a second date, but if the shoe were on my foot, I would do it (I'm totally smitten with this guy). I don't want him to suffer or anything, but am I being selfish? Is there hope for us? Help!!
We went on a wonderful first date - no awkwardness, great conversation, lots of chemistry and strong attraction on both sides (we even made plans to see each other again before the first date ended). On our date, we took my car and afterwards he told me he thinks he might be allergic to my dog (symptoms being congestion a few hours later). He knew I had a dog well in advance of anything. He's coming over to my place tomorrow to see how allergic he might be to my pup. For the past few days I've been stressing out about this. I've been cleaning everything: vacuuming the carpet, washing towels, bedding, dusting, changing the AC air filter, etc. I don't want the fact that I have a dog to be a deal breaker (especially since he knew about her before he asked me out). Is there anything else I should do to minimize the allergens? If he is allergic, is it reasonable to ask if he might be open to taking allergy medication, or see an allergist? I realize this is a lot to ask of someone on a second date, but if the shoe were on my foot, I would do it (I'm totally smitten with this guy). I don't want him to suffer or anything, but am I being selfish? Is there hope for us? Help!!
I mean, honestly, you should not be cleaning like a crazy person unless you are willing to do that all the time. If you are willing to get an air filter and clean your house more then he should be willing to take medicine as long as that is not going to be bad for him -- I can't think of why that might be, but I guess allergy meds might be contra-indicated in some cases.
I have a cat, she is sheddy, and I do not vacuum every day. I won't, in fact, and them's the breaks. She's also 14 and she's slept in my bed every day of her furry life. If the cat's a dealbreaker, I am not your girlfriend. I committed to this cat and she can't survive without me. If you feel the same about your dog, then you have to be clear about that. Having that boundary does not make you a bad person - quite to the contrary IMHO.
posted by Medieval Maven at 11:23 AM on April 25, 2017 [40 favorites]
I have a cat, she is sheddy, and I do not vacuum every day. I won't, in fact, and them's the breaks. She's also 14 and she's slept in my bed every day of her furry life. If the cat's a dealbreaker, I am not your girlfriend. I committed to this cat and she can't survive without me. If you feel the same about your dog, then you have to be clear about that. Having that boundary does not make you a bad person - quite to the contrary IMHO.
posted by Medieval Maven at 11:23 AM on April 25, 2017 [40 favorites]
If he is allergic, is it reasonable to ask if he might be open to taking allergy medication, or see an allergist?
Yes and no. Buy some Cetrezine or some Benadryl and keep it on your person, and offer it if you're inviting him over (I mean, really, he should be doing that if he's allergic to some dogs because dogs exist in our world, but it's a nice, sweet offer if you're sporting it). "I like you and don't want you to get the sneezies" is sweet, but "DATE TWO, GO TO THE DOCTOR DUDE" would probably raise a red flag for me. If you guys had been dating long enough to be talking about moving in together, then yeah, that's a reasonable request.
There are little things you could do to make this not a thing. HEPA filter for sure, if your doggo sleeps in the bed, change the sheets or have a dedicated top blanket that the dog sleeps on. Do as much stuff as your comfortable doing. When it becomes unfun, that's probably the line to stop doing the things.
Missing information: Is this a big deal for him? Have you talked about this yet at all with him? If he's allergic to things, this might not even be a big deal for him because this is just the way his life is for people who are allergic to things (especially adorable fuzzy things that are fun to hang out with).
posted by furnace.heart at 11:34 AM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Yes and no. Buy some Cetrezine or some Benadryl and keep it on your person, and offer it if you're inviting him over (I mean, really, he should be doing that if he's allergic to some dogs because dogs exist in our world, but it's a nice, sweet offer if you're sporting it). "I like you and don't want you to get the sneezies" is sweet, but "DATE TWO, GO TO THE DOCTOR DUDE" would probably raise a red flag for me. If you guys had been dating long enough to be talking about moving in together, then yeah, that's a reasonable request.
There are little things you could do to make this not a thing. HEPA filter for sure, if your doggo sleeps in the bed, change the sheets or have a dedicated top blanket that the dog sleeps on. Do as much stuff as your comfortable doing. When it becomes unfun, that's probably the line to stop doing the things.
Missing information: Is this a big deal for him? Have you talked about this yet at all with him? If he's allergic to things, this might not even be a big deal for him because this is just the way his life is for people who are allergic to things (especially adorable fuzzy things that are fun to hang out with).
posted by furnace.heart at 11:34 AM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
If I were smitten with you, I would do whatever it took to mitigate my allergic reaction to your dog. But I am a person who loves animals and who cannot imagine my life without a pet (or pets) in it. To me, a house isn't a home if there isn't at least one critter living there.
So, I think what you need to do is make it clear that your dog is your dog and he/she isn't going anywhere, and you like the dude and you hope you can continue learning about each other regardless of his allergy; if that means y'all don't hang at your house for a while (until he gets his allergies under control), then that's what that means. And then see where this whole thing goes.
I mean, it might just be a coincidence, he might be getting a spring cold, he might be allergic to other things (the air freshener in your car, the perfume of the last friend you gave a ride to, etc.), or he might simply adjust to your pup and it won't be an issue anymore.
It's kind of early days, is what I'm saying.
posted by cooker girl at 11:40 AM on April 25, 2017 [6 favorites]
So, I think what you need to do is make it clear that your dog is your dog and he/she isn't going anywhere, and you like the dude and you hope you can continue learning about each other regardless of his allergy; if that means y'all don't hang at your house for a while (until he gets his allergies under control), then that's what that means. And then see where this whole thing goes.
I mean, it might just be a coincidence, he might be getting a spring cold, he might be allergic to other things (the air freshener in your car, the perfume of the last friend you gave a ride to, etc.), or he might simply adjust to your pup and it won't be an issue anymore.
It's kind of early days, is what I'm saying.
posted by cooker girl at 11:40 AM on April 25, 2017 [6 favorites]
I have pet allergies. I live with my wife and her cat. (Now our cat.) There was an adjustment period when I first met her. The good news is, we adjusted adequately. She deep cleaned her apartment and I took a lot of Zyrtec when we first met. I eventually got somewhat acclimated to the cat, and also just put up with a certain amount of extra handwashing and sometimes sneezing.
Your pup is important to you, and hopefully you are completely committed to your pet. You also clearly like this guy. It isn't necessarily a binary choice.
Vacuuming the floor and upholstered furniture helps. Heavily vacuuming rugs helps a lot. Cleaning underneath couches and beds really helps. (A lot of hair and dander accumulates there!) Vacuuming or machine washing the dog's bed or favorite blanket helps.
And he should stock up on his allergy med of choice, and wash his hands any time he contacts the pup or contacts possible hair/dander. Washing your hands before touching your face can help a lot.
Wishing all three of you the best of luck.
posted by Cranialtorque at 11:45 AM on April 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
Your pup is important to you, and hopefully you are completely committed to your pet. You also clearly like this guy. It isn't necessarily a binary choice.
Vacuuming the floor and upholstered furniture helps. Heavily vacuuming rugs helps a lot. Cleaning underneath couches and beds really helps. (A lot of hair and dander accumulates there!) Vacuuming or machine washing the dog's bed or favorite blanket helps.
And he should stock up on his allergy med of choice, and wash his hands any time he contacts the pup or contacts possible hair/dander. Washing your hands before touching your face can help a lot.
Wishing all three of you the best of luck.
posted by Cranialtorque at 11:45 AM on April 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Don't want to threadsit, but here we go..
I understand cleaning everything every time he comes over is not feasible. I am a clean freak anyway, but will start doing a better job at dusting (1x/week as opposed to 1x/month now) and vacuuming a few times a week. Luckily I have a leather couch, so I can wipe it down, but I understand dander gets everywhere. She doesn't sleep on the bed but will snuggle with me on the bed for about 5 min after the alarm goes off in the morning. Pup gets a bath every 2 weeks as it is now. Re-homing her or locking her in a room when he is over is a deal breaker for me. She is my family and that's not an option (he hasn't asked, but I'm just sayin'.)
Not sure how big of a deal this is for him, but he did say, "It isn't a deal breaker yet" and "let's not end things prematurely, but see how it [the visit] goes", so I dunno. I will have allergy meds on-hand just in case and will look into an air purifier.
I don't have, nor have I dated anyone with allergies, so this is all new to me. I want to be sympathetic to his needs.
posted by ATX Peanut at 11:52 AM on April 25, 2017
I understand cleaning everything every time he comes over is not feasible. I am a clean freak anyway, but will start doing a better job at dusting (1x/week as opposed to 1x/month now) and vacuuming a few times a week. Luckily I have a leather couch, so I can wipe it down, but I understand dander gets everywhere. She doesn't sleep on the bed but will snuggle with me on the bed for about 5 min after the alarm goes off in the morning. Pup gets a bath every 2 weeks as it is now. Re-homing her or locking her in a room when he is over is a deal breaker for me. She is my family and that's not an option (he hasn't asked, but I'm just sayin'.)
Not sure how big of a deal this is for him, but he did say, "It isn't a deal breaker yet" and "let's not end things prematurely, but see how it [the visit] goes", so I dunno. I will have allergy meds on-hand just in case and will look into an air purifier.
I don't have, nor have I dated anyone with allergies, so this is all new to me. I want to be sympathetic to his needs.
posted by ATX Peanut at 11:52 AM on April 25, 2017
I wouldn't freak out about this too much right now. It's only the second date, and you don't even know for sure if this guy is allergic to your particular dog.
Also, as someone with allergies, I can tell you that there is a wide range of allergic responses. Like, there's mild sniffles, can't stop sneezing/blowing my nose, breaking out in hives/can't breathe because my throat is closing up, etc. (It sounds like he is more the former than the latter.)
Personally, I'm allergic to a lot of things (dust, pollen, mold, etc). I take zyrtec daily, and also use flonase, and I have just learned to live with a constant low level of congestion. To me, a little extra allergy flare up isn't that big a deal. I'm used to it.
I'm also mildly allergic to cats but I've lived with cats for a significant portion of my life. In fact, I just adopted a cat back in December. The first couple weeks I definitely noticed my allergies were affected by having him around, but I adjusted to him fairly quickly. Now, I'm not allergic to him at all (if only I could say the same about pollen and mold.)
So there's a good chance that if your guy is initially allergic to your dog, it might be something that resolves on its own.
posted by litera scripta manet at 11:55 AM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Also, as someone with allergies, I can tell you that there is a wide range of allergic responses. Like, there's mild sniffles, can't stop sneezing/blowing my nose, breaking out in hives/can't breathe because my throat is closing up, etc. (It sounds like he is more the former than the latter.)
Personally, I'm allergic to a lot of things (dust, pollen, mold, etc). I take zyrtec daily, and also use flonase, and I have just learned to live with a constant low level of congestion. To me, a little extra allergy flare up isn't that big a deal. I'm used to it.
I'm also mildly allergic to cats but I've lived with cats for a significant portion of my life. In fact, I just adopted a cat back in December. The first couple weeks I definitely noticed my allergies were affected by having him around, but I adjusted to him fairly quickly. Now, I'm not allergic to him at all (if only I could say the same about pollen and mold.)
So there's a good chance that if your guy is initially allergic to your dog, it might be something that resolves on its own.
posted by litera scripta manet at 11:55 AM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
I am super allergic to cats. If I am going somewhere that has a cat -- including my parents house -- I take a Claritin. (Don't offer him a Benadryl unless you want him to fall asleep.) If a dude offered to get rid of his cat for me after one date, I would think he was insane -- I wouldn't expect him to ever do that, but especially given that I barely know him, so I am sure that has never even entered his mind, so don't worry about that. (I'd also, FWIW, tell him no way). I have had people kindly lock their cat away in another room while I am over, though, and it's greatly appreciated. (Being in another room for a couple of hours is nowhere near the same thing as rehoming an animal, but I realize, as a dog owner myself, that this being feasible greatly depends on the dog.)
Also, and I say this with love: It's been one date. You might hate him after the second date. (I hope not, but you never know!) Clean the house and see how it goes and don't worry too much about this. He probably isn't even thinking about it too much -- those of us with allergies are pretty used to dealing with our allergies.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 12:00 PM on April 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
Also, and I say this with love: It's been one date. You might hate him after the second date. (I hope not, but you never know!) Clean the house and see how it goes and don't worry too much about this. He probably isn't even thinking about it too much -- those of us with allergies are pretty used to dealing with our allergies.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 12:00 PM on April 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
Yeah, take the basic steps outlined above, have some drugs on hand, but don't freak out just yet until you have more info. He might be allergic, but in a well controlled and alleviated manner. He might not be allergic. Hell he might just be allergic to your car, not your dog.
posted by SaltySalticid at 12:02 PM on April 25, 2017
posted by SaltySalticid at 12:02 PM on April 25, 2017
"he did say, "It isn't a deal breaker yet" and "let's not end things prematurely, but see how it [the visit] goes", so I dunno"
He sounds like he takes his dog allergies pretty seriously, which doesn't make him a bad guy or anything, but you should promise yourself now that you aren't going to go nuts trying to fix this.
posted by cakelite at 12:46 PM on April 25, 2017 [15 favorites]
He sounds like he takes his dog allergies pretty seriously, which doesn't make him a bad guy or anything, but you should promise yourself now that you aren't going to go nuts trying to fix this.
posted by cakelite at 12:46 PM on April 25, 2017 [15 favorites]
I am severely allergic to most cats. I can't spend more than about half an hour in a house that a cat lives in without becoming miserable, even if the rooms we are hanging out in are the rooms the cat is "never in." I can control this to a degree with a Claritin, but I still get cloudy and congested and sleeping over would be a non-starter. If I were considering getting into a serious relationship with someone who had a cat that triggered my allergies it might indeed end up being a dealbreaker, simply because it would mean that we could never live together.
As others have said, it's been one date so don't stress out too much. If something new was going great, I would take Claritin and try to mostly meet places other than their house, but eventually there would have to be a "me or the cat" discussion and that's pretty gross.
posted by 256 at 12:47 PM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
As others have said, it's been one date so don't stress out too much. If something new was going great, I would take Claritin and try to mostly meet places other than their house, but eventually there would have to be a "me or the cat" discussion and that's pretty gross.
posted by 256 at 12:47 PM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
This seems like a bit of a red flag to me. My kid has a lot of allergies (including to dogs), and being congested a few hours after the fact is not how I have seen allergies to animals work. But way more importantly is him making his problems your problem after just one date. There's no telling why he was congested, but it important to note that he assumed it was an issue you needed to address.
Maybe this is a one off, but I'd be really surprised if this isn't the start of a pattern.
posted by jeoc at 1:27 PM on April 25, 2017 [19 favorites]
Maybe this is a one off, but I'd be really surprised if this isn't the start of a pattern.
posted by jeoc at 1:27 PM on April 25, 2017 [19 favorites]
jbenben speaks the truth! I wish I'd have known this about certain people when I was younger.
Next time (if you do want to give him a next time), take his car and see what happens.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 1:30 PM on April 25, 2017
Next time (if you do want to give him a next time), take his car and see what happens.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 1:30 PM on April 25, 2017
Also, just a datapoint: I have pretty severe cat allergies and my symptoms don't take hours to manifest; they come on almost immediately.
I also have dog allergies, not as severe as the cat ones though, and have had dogs in my household my entire life. Some people's systems can adjust.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 1:34 PM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
I also have dog allergies, not as severe as the cat ones though, and have had dogs in my household my entire life. Some people's systems can adjust.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 1:34 PM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
he might be allergic to my dog (symptoms being congestion a few hours later)
This is baloney. Not the way allergies work. At best, he's neurotic about congestion. Like Felix Unger.
posted by JimN2TAW at 1:45 PM on April 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
This is baloney. Not the way allergies work. At best, he's neurotic about congestion. Like Felix Unger.
posted by JimN2TAW at 1:45 PM on April 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
I have allergies and I can tell you that simply cleaning like mad is not going to solve the problem. Dogs have dander and saliva and all that stuff, which can be impossible to clean.
If I really liked you I would consider taking allergy medication.
posted by My Dad at 1:49 PM on April 25, 2017
If I really liked you I would consider taking allergy medication.
posted by My Dad at 1:49 PM on April 25, 2017
The act of vacuuming can itself kick up dust+dander (particularly if you don't have a vacuum with a good filter). So yeah, do it, but make sure there's time for stuff to settle before he comes over.
If he is only getting symptoms a few hours later, you might also suggest that he can simply take a shower after he gets home. Those of us with allergies are pretty used to cleaning up after we've been exposed to a potential allergen; reducing the time of exposure can make it ok. (Why yes I'll pet your adorable dog, but I'm washing my hands up to the elbows afterwards. Deal. Also yeah maybe I can only stay at the party at your house for 1 hour, because you have a cat, and I like to keep breathing, so I'm going to go home and shower instead.)
I think it's not a bad idea to have some OTC allergy drugs on hand anyhow-- presumably you have other visitors sometimes-- although you'll find anyone with significant allergies probably keeps their own and knows to ask about pets ahead of time.
I would watch for this being a prelude to spending all of your time together at his place though; there's a chance it might be physically necessary, but you should decide if that's really ok for you regardless of if it's necessary or if it's a controlling tactic.
posted by nat at 2:03 PM on April 25, 2017
If he is only getting symptoms a few hours later, you might also suggest that he can simply take a shower after he gets home. Those of us with allergies are pretty used to cleaning up after we've been exposed to a potential allergen; reducing the time of exposure can make it ok. (Why yes I'll pet your adorable dog, but I'm washing my hands up to the elbows afterwards. Deal. Also yeah maybe I can only stay at the party at your house for 1 hour, because you have a cat, and I like to keep breathing, so I'm going to go home and shower instead.)
I think it's not a bad idea to have some OTC allergy drugs on hand anyhow-- presumably you have other visitors sometimes-- although you'll find anyone with significant allergies probably keeps their own and knows to ask about pets ahead of time.
I would watch for this being a prelude to spending all of your time together at his place though; there's a chance it might be physically necessary, but you should decide if that's really ok for you regardless of if it's necessary or if it's a controlling tactic.
posted by nat at 2:03 PM on April 25, 2017
I am allergic to a lot of animals/pollen/etc. I have a dog and a cat that I love very much. I take allergy pills because I know I'm allergic. This guy seems like he doesn't know how allergies happen.
posted by Marinara at 2:04 PM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Marinara at 2:04 PM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm not seeing the insidious dynamic that others have described. He thinks he is allergic to your dog and wants to confirm that before getting involved in a relationship that might not work, health-wise. I'm not seeing that he asked you to clean your place or worry about it too much. He wants a data point.
This is a fact-finding thing on his part. If he has an allergic reaction when he comes over, ask him if there are things that he has done to mitigate that in the past and ask whether he can implement those solutions going forward. Have a sense of how much you are/are not willing to accommodate his needs for a hypoallergenic environment on a long-term basis. I personally would be okay with some mild adjustments to cleaning protocols, but not a complete overhaul.
But don't worry too much about that until he definitively decides whether or not he is actually allergic to your dog.
posted by delight at 2:29 PM on April 25, 2017 [10 favorites]
This is a fact-finding thing on his part. If he has an allergic reaction when he comes over, ask him if there are things that he has done to mitigate that in the past and ask whether he can implement those solutions going forward. Have a sense of how much you are/are not willing to accommodate his needs for a hypoallergenic environment on a long-term basis. I personally would be okay with some mild adjustments to cleaning protocols, but not a complete overhaul.
But don't worry too much about that until he definitively decides whether or not he is actually allergic to your dog.
posted by delight at 2:29 PM on April 25, 2017 [10 favorites]
Get him those canned saline sprays (I buy the arm & hammer 3-pack at Costco). They're expensive so just buy him 1 first, he can buy his own after that. Have him spray his nasal passages really well when he arrives and right before he leaves. Another time in the interim if needed.
fwiw, dogs are my #1 allergy. And I cannot live without my baby-dog.
That's really cool of you that you are trying to help. But if he (1) doesn't even know yet if he's allergic to dogs, and (2) thinks it might be a deal-breaker (without trying allergy meds plus frequent saline), then might not a good fit.
posted by Neekee at 2:41 PM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
fwiw, dogs are my #1 allergy. And I cannot live without my baby-dog.
That's really cool of you that you are trying to help. But if he (1) doesn't even know yet if he's allergic to dogs, and (2) thinks it might be a deal-breaker (without trying allergy meds plus frequent saline), then might not a good fit.
posted by Neekee at 2:41 PM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I have allergies to cats and dogs. I also have two cats.
I don't think it's weird that he mentioned he might be allergic to your dog and to "see how it goes" once he gets to your apartment.... because people with allergies do sometimes need to "see how it goes" when it comes to the severity of their symptoms.
I also don't think it's weird that you have been deep cleaning your apartment prior to his visit... I do this for friends who come over to my house if they have allergies to cats. I think it's courteous.
I also know that it probably won't matter HOW much you clean, but the gesture is still thoughtful and I'm sure he'll appreciate it.
It isn't a huge burden on someone to ask them to take allergy medication at all, at least not from my point of view. I think you guys just need to take it one step at a time. Have him come over, see how it goes. Have allergy meds on hand (they are typically fast acting). It is true that he will acclimate to the environment over time unless his allergy is really REALLY bad and then you guys can have that conversation when it needs to happen.
Good luck!
posted by JenThePro at 2:43 PM on April 25, 2017 [6 favorites]
I don't think it's weird that he mentioned he might be allergic to your dog and to "see how it goes" once he gets to your apartment.... because people with allergies do sometimes need to "see how it goes" when it comes to the severity of their symptoms.
I also don't think it's weird that you have been deep cleaning your apartment prior to his visit... I do this for friends who come over to my house if they have allergies to cats. I think it's courteous.
I also know that it probably won't matter HOW much you clean, but the gesture is still thoughtful and I'm sure he'll appreciate it.
It isn't a huge burden on someone to ask them to take allergy medication at all, at least not from my point of view. I think you guys just need to take it one step at a time. Have him come over, see how it goes. Have allergy meds on hand (they are typically fast acting). It is true that he will acclimate to the environment over time unless his allergy is really REALLY bad and then you guys can have that conversation when it needs to happen.
Good luck!
posted by JenThePro at 2:43 PM on April 25, 2017 [6 favorites]
This would be a big turnoff for me, if I were in your shoes. A normal human response (assuming his dog allergy doesn't put him at risk for anaphalaxis or something ) would be to say nothing, take an allergy pill before you go to their place next time, and reassess at that point. He sounds dramatic and that rarely makes for a fun dating experience.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 2:47 PM on April 25, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by schroedingersgirl at 2:47 PM on April 25, 2017 [6 favorites]
Best answer: This is baloney. Not the way allergies work. At best, he's neurotic about congestion. Like Felix Unger.
You should just stop. You don't know what you are talking about and being disrespectful of people who suffer from allergies.
There are early phase and late phase reactions. The early phase reaction can take just minutes or seconds and is the type typical of peanut or shellfish. The late phase reaction can occur four to six hours later and is not unusual for people with animal dander reactions. Different people react in different ways. Some as indicated previously react very quickly. For others, the worst symptoms come hours later.
In the absence of other information, it sounds like this person is being honest and up front about his condition. Based on his previous experience around animals he may be justifiably wary. Sounds like he is willing to attempt to make a go of it but honestly is just might not work out.
This has nothing to do with your cleaning habits. Animal dander is like radioactivity. It will always be present in allergenic quantities in your home and car no matter how much cleaning or air filtering you do.
Sounds like he is being honest with you. It might not be a dealbreaker yet, but it might be in the future, depending on how his allergic reactions respond. It's not a moral failing of either of you. It's just the way things are.
posted by JackFlash at 2:49 PM on April 25, 2017 [23 favorites]
You should just stop. You don't know what you are talking about and being disrespectful of people who suffer from allergies.
There are early phase and late phase reactions. The early phase reaction can take just minutes or seconds and is the type typical of peanut or shellfish. The late phase reaction can occur four to six hours later and is not unusual for people with animal dander reactions. Different people react in different ways. Some as indicated previously react very quickly. For others, the worst symptoms come hours later.
In the absence of other information, it sounds like this person is being honest and up front about his condition. Based on his previous experience around animals he may be justifiably wary. Sounds like he is willing to attempt to make a go of it but honestly is just might not work out.
This has nothing to do with your cleaning habits. Animal dander is like radioactivity. It will always be present in allergenic quantities in your home and car no matter how much cleaning or air filtering you do.
Sounds like he is being honest with you. It might not be a dealbreaker yet, but it might be in the future, depending on how his allergic reactions respond. It's not a moral failing of either of you. It's just the way things are.
posted by JackFlash at 2:49 PM on April 25, 2017 [23 favorites]
I'll admit that this is SERIOUSLY jumping the gun on this, but it's something that I would be considering as I evaluated how much I wanted to keep seeing this guy: even if he does figure out a way of dealing with his allergies around your dog right now, if the two of you went the distance would that mean that he'd expect no more dogs after your current one? I really don't think I could be with someone if it meant a future with no dogs; again, I realize this is several HUNDRED steps away from where you are right now, but it might be worth putting into your list of things to consider.
posted by DingoMutt at 3:41 PM on April 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by DingoMutt at 3:41 PM on April 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
Anecdata: I grew up with severe cat allergy. Like, going to visit the aunt who had two cats meant I sat on a chair when my eyes swelled shut, which happened during the first 30 minutes, every time we went to her house.
Forward to 2000, when I called up the guy that I had a crush on when we were in 7th grade, some 35 years earlier. We started dating. He had 11 cats. The first time I went to his place, I took an arsenal of prescription and OTC medication. Miraculously, I didn't have any reaction, not a sniffle, itch nor hive to be seen. I asked my long time family doctor why this wasn't an issue. His theory was that I had a homeopathic response; when a small amount of cat dander/venom gave me horrific allergic reaction, the overload seemed to totally desensitize me. Now, I sleep with our 5 cats...And the guy! It's been 17+ years. It is possible.
posted by LaBellaStella at 5:09 PM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Forward to 2000, when I called up the guy that I had a crush on when we were in 7th grade, some 35 years earlier. We started dating. He had 11 cats. The first time I went to his place, I took an arsenal of prescription and OTC medication. Miraculously, I didn't have any reaction, not a sniffle, itch nor hive to be seen. I asked my long time family doctor why this wasn't an issue. His theory was that I had a homeopathic response; when a small amount of cat dander/venom gave me horrific allergic reaction, the overload seemed to totally desensitize me. Now, I sleep with our 5 cats...And the guy! It's been 17+ years. It is possible.
posted by LaBellaStella at 5:09 PM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
My relatively new sweetie has allergies and when they come over they take allergy meds because I am owned by a very sheddy furball of a cat. They did comment that they knew I vacuumed because they had forgotten their meds before a recent visit and didn't feel stuffy. I know that allergic responses are not always the same for everyone but depending on his response to the dander he may be able to just take meds and call it a day.
posted by sockermom at 5:24 PM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by sockermom at 5:24 PM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
I've dated cat owners while being allergic to cats, though a Claritin was enough to ease my sniffles. Don't put the cart before the horse and don't clean up much more than you normally would, let things play out and let him be the judge of how much he wants to deal with whatever, if anything, comes up.
posted by rhizome at 5:30 PM on April 25, 2017
posted by rhizome at 5:30 PM on April 25, 2017
Speaking as a guy with dog allergies who loves dogs, and who comes from a family of allergic animal lovers :
Allergies are really weird and unpredictable and any one person's experiences may or may not apply to somebody else's.
Given that, all the two of you can do is take it one step at a time, which is exactly what you're already doing. He's coming over to your place to see how he reacts. You're cleaning your place to see if it helps. Those are both sensible first steps in investigating a potential allergic reaction.
And as your relationship moves forward, you can move the investigation forward in tandem. Depending on his allergies, you might have already solved the problem just by cleaning. If not, some additional questions you might investigate:
• Is he less allergic to your dog when the dog has been freshly bathed? I had friends who had their dogs groomed professionally every week, and the only time those dogs made me sneeze was when they licked me, which leads to:
• Are there specific kinds of contact that set him off more than others? If so, are there steps you both can take to minimize those kinds of contact?
• If those kinds of contact can't be avoided, are there steps he can take to mitigate the reaction? In my case, washing my face after it's licked is enough to stop me from sneezing. By contrast, I know someone else who has to take medication an hour BEFORE being licked, or he'll break out in hives.
• If you bring your freshly washed dog into a previously dog-free enclosed environment, does the guy stay allergy free? It's possible that he can handle dog dander in real time, but not the years of dander that have built up in your home and car. If so, and if you eventually move in together, you might have to get rid of everything you can't deep clean -- but you could keep your dog.
• Are there over-the-counter allergy medicines that will alleviate his symptoms?
• If not, are there prescription medicines that will alleviate his symptoms?
• Are there inexpensive air filters that make it possible for him to hang out in your home?
• If not, are there expensive whole-house air filtration systems that make it possible for him to hang out in your home?
Some of these are questions to investigate now; some of these are things to worry about only as the relationship gets more serious. You might be able to work everything out, or you might not, but you're not crazy to try, and you'll figure it out as you go along. In that sense, it's like dating somebody who lives in a different city, or comes from a different cultural background, or...
Well, come to think of it, it's pretty much like any relationship.
posted by yankeefog at 2:14 AM on April 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
Allergies are really weird and unpredictable and any one person's experiences may or may not apply to somebody else's.
Given that, all the two of you can do is take it one step at a time, which is exactly what you're already doing. He's coming over to your place to see how he reacts. You're cleaning your place to see if it helps. Those are both sensible first steps in investigating a potential allergic reaction.
And as your relationship moves forward, you can move the investigation forward in tandem. Depending on his allergies, you might have already solved the problem just by cleaning. If not, some additional questions you might investigate:
• Is he less allergic to your dog when the dog has been freshly bathed? I had friends who had their dogs groomed professionally every week, and the only time those dogs made me sneeze was when they licked me, which leads to:
• Are there specific kinds of contact that set him off more than others? If so, are there steps you both can take to minimize those kinds of contact?
• If those kinds of contact can't be avoided, are there steps he can take to mitigate the reaction? In my case, washing my face after it's licked is enough to stop me from sneezing. By contrast, I know someone else who has to take medication an hour BEFORE being licked, or he'll break out in hives.
• If you bring your freshly washed dog into a previously dog-free enclosed environment, does the guy stay allergy free? It's possible that he can handle dog dander in real time, but not the years of dander that have built up in your home and car. If so, and if you eventually move in together, you might have to get rid of everything you can't deep clean -- but you could keep your dog.
• Are there over-the-counter allergy medicines that will alleviate his symptoms?
• If not, are there prescription medicines that will alleviate his symptoms?
• Are there inexpensive air filters that make it possible for him to hang out in your home?
• If not, are there expensive whole-house air filtration systems that make it possible for him to hang out in your home?
Some of these are questions to investigate now; some of these are things to worry about only as the relationship gets more serious. You might be able to work everything out, or you might not, but you're not crazy to try, and you'll figure it out as you go along. In that sense, it's like dating somebody who lives in a different city, or comes from a different cultural background, or...
Well, come to think of it, it's pretty much like any relationship.
posted by yankeefog at 2:14 AM on April 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
Just a small note regarding taking an allergy pill: not everyone can, and not everyone will be ok with doing it even if they can, and neither of those things makes the person abnormal or insensitive of selfish. I can't take the kind of of allergy pills that don't make one drowsy because they tend to raise my blood pressure above what my doctor thinks is safe. And I don't want to take the kind that make me drowsy because I don't want to sleep through my life.
I also do not admire or trust pharmaceutical companies and am averse to the idea of building a life around a drug that I may not be able to afford in the future due to changes to healthcare laws or the profit motives of the drug makers.
Assuming someone should "just take a pill" is what is not ok. Many people can and will take the allergy meds, and if this guy is one of them that's awesome, but if he's not, he may have very sane and rational reasons for not doing so, and the option to take a pill may not be available to him.
posted by eustacescrubb at 10:58 AM on May 7, 2017
I also do not admire or trust pharmaceutical companies and am averse to the idea of building a life around a drug that I may not be able to afford in the future due to changes to healthcare laws or the profit motives of the drug makers.
Assuming someone should "just take a pill" is what is not ok. Many people can and will take the allergy meds, and if this guy is one of them that's awesome, but if he's not, he may have very sane and rational reasons for not doing so, and the option to take a pill may not be available to him.
posted by eustacescrubb at 10:58 AM on May 7, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Jairus at 11:20 AM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]