How do I cope with a lack of silence?

April 3, 2017 9:04 AM

Taking a road trip with a friend who is very chatty confirmed for me how much I enjoy the spaciousness of silence. I am the least chatty person I know, unless I can discuss politics/religion/humanism/etc. with people who do not have to share my beliefs. I have a child, so I will need to learn to tolerate talking better. Help me figure out how.

My friend cannot handle silence. She cannot last more than 4 seconds without filling the space between us with words. Much of it is noise. Many people are this way and that is fine. I am fine with engaging this in a professional setting but in my personal life I enjoy the peace of quiet. I get pretty irritated when people insist on lots of words on, say, a road trip, when I cannot escape. At times I even have my headphones in one ear so I can focus my attention on the music rather than the conversation, because it is draining to carry on extended conversations about nothing. I listen to people all day for my job, and I sort of covet my personal time as time where I can recharge my Jungian batteries.

I have a child who does not talk yet but will, and I need to learn how to cope better with Chatty Cathy energy so that I can be available for connection with him. Maybe talking with your own child is an exception somehow? Do other introverts care to comment?

posted by crunchy potato to Human Relations (15 answers total)

For the road trip, you can be honest with your friend about the nature of your work without suggesting that you can't handle her chattiness. "Ugh, the last two weeks have just been nonstop. I feel like I've listened to people so much that my ears don't work. Do you mind if I put in headphones and listen to XYZ for a couple hours to rest my ears?"

Your child will be an almost totally different experience. Not only are you going to watch his language skills progression in realtime (which is fascinating even as a fellow quiet-lover), there's also an element of parental hard wiring that will make the whole babbling noisy experience seem... different. I'm not saying it will be entirely good, and you will very likely have your cringing moments (when "no" is discovered, for instance, and repeated ad infinitum). But they're learning their speech habits from you, so they'll probably take on affects that seem natural and fluid and recognizable in a way that strangers' chatter can't.

Too, I'd encourage you to be your quiet-loving self around your kid. They'll pick up on it. They might be quiet, too. I was loud and boisterous like my mom, but have a very quiet and calm dad. His collectedness was a nice counterpoint when I was younger, and I'm pretty sure it taught me how to reign in my noisebucket tendencies when the situation calls for it. And, whaddya know, almost forty years later and now I'm much more like my quiet dad than I'd have ever expected.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:24 AM on April 3, 2017 [7 favorites]

My friend cannot handle silence. She cannot last more than 4 seconds without filling the space between us with words. Much of it is noise. Many people are this way and that is fine.

I am more like you. I find people who just sort of talk endlessly exhausting because I feel that they are requiring something of me on a basically non-stop basis. That said, you say "this is fine" but you also say "noise" which may be a judgment that is not helping you accept this.

So think there are a few parts to this

1. Balance. Your friend does not get to be how she wants all the time, and neither do you. Unless your friend actually has a mental health problem which is causing this, you're both expected to compromise on your desires. However this will involve talking about it. I found I can deal with people talking sort of "at" me better when I know there is a boundary on it. So "I want to read my book in silence for a while" or "I need some time to recharge and play on my phone until we stop for lunch" or "Hey I'm going to catch up on this podcast" are all acceptable ways of bounding the conversation. Thinking "Well we'll have dinner together and then we go to our separate rooms and I am going to treasure this moment of our friendship now even if it's not the way I'd want"

2. She is not wrong, you are not wrong. People chat for reasons, it might help to understand what some of those are (maybe some people will want to put these in the thread) and they may be requiring different things from you than you think. I have some friends who literally just need me to be present when they talk, not processing, not giving advice, etc. I can be present and also "checked out" so sometimes I do this. And also: your desire for quiet is a completely valid way to face the world. At the same time, I am presuming you chose this road trip and are not... a bounty hunter and she is your prisoner? Give yourself some space to think about those choices, see if you can replace the 'trapped" feeling with something a little more useful to you.

3. Your child. There is no reason to think that your child will share the characteristics of your annoying friend. My mother is a chatterer. I am not. My sister is somewhere in between. Don't borrow trouble.

In short: you do not have to be different but you may need to advocate for what you want more than you might otherwise. And make self-affirming choices moving forward based on what you are and are not willing to tolerate.
posted by jessamyn at 9:28 AM on April 3, 2017 [9 favorites]

Ok, I'll go first: I have worn earplugs around my kids when they've been certain ages and stages.

Yes, it is different with your own child, but there still come times when a strong introvert needs mental space. So, I strategize when I can truly be 'on': in the morning, when I'm rested, undistracted, not otherwise working (multitasking is tough for me with a chatterer), when it's bedtime, when my kid clearly needs me and my attention and not just something, etc. Other times I put on music (Eno's Music for Airports is the undisputed common-aural-space in the cocoa household), or set them up with an audiobook in another room or with headphones, or I nap, or rest my eyes, or I tell them: "Now it's quiet." (thank you, Blue Velvet, for adding a subversive patina to that phrase). Even now, with an 8yo and 11yo, I often say, "Hey guys, there's no room for anything else with the chatter or bickering (or whatever). Please keep it down or take it to your rooms." Maybe it's convenient, but I believe there's value in teaching a person to leave space.
posted by cocoagirl at 9:33 AM on April 3, 2017 [9 favorites]

I'm not an extreme introvert--I do enjoy a little chitchat with people I know (though I despise small talk with strangers just because it's so awkward), but I do need significant quiet time every day or I go bananas. I have a four-year-old who, once he started talking, has not shut up since. I've sort of gone through three phases with his talking. Phase 1 is "OMG! I made a thing that talks!" It's super interesting and exciting! That quickly moved into Phase 2: "OMG please stop talking." There's a pretty long span of time in between when they really get the forming words thing down and when they legitimately have something interesting to say. Those are trying years. There's a lot of repetition and scripting (using memorized lines from cartoons or stories to express their own feelings, over and over) and repeating "why?" ad nauseum. But we're slowly emerging into Phase 3: I can have real conversations with my child. That's cool and a very different experience than just daily chitchat with the people in my life.

As far as what I've done to cope: early bedtime (for him--and besides, sleep hygiene is good for him and important for optimum mental and physical health), taking up running (for me--it's guaranteed time every day during which no one will talk to me). Once the kid is in bed, I do not feel any kind of need to interact with my husband. He knows: I might disappear into the bedroom for an hour after bedtime and it's not that anything is wrong or I'm going to bed, it just means I need QUIET, immediately.

I won't lie, though, parenting as an introvert is tough and somehow our kid, the child of two introverts, is wildly extroverted. It happens. I've had to learn to not beat myself up about it, I'm not depriving my son by setting age-appropriate boundaries around when and why he's allowed to get in my grill, it's not monstrous that I don't want to be attached to him and interacting with him all the time. A lot of parenting philosophies seem to have been written by touchy-feely extroverts and I have just given myself permission to reject that and believe I'm still a good parent.
posted by soren_lorensen at 9:36 AM on April 3, 2017 [13 favorites]

When driving, especially in more congested areas, I think it's perfectly legitimate to ask that the other person keep quiet so you can concentrate on the road. This wouldn't work for a whole road trip, but it could get you a long way (and would work for a lot of other joint, shorter trips).
posted by praemunire at 9:39 AM on April 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

In this thread, I have found my people.

My offspring too does not stop talking for any reason, including bedtime and the few times I am actually already speaking. I love her and love that she is so full of stuff she needs to share with me. But yes as soren says above it is perfectly fine to gently say enough and get some me time.

In addition to quiet time achieved by getting up earlier and staying up later than the youngling, we also achieve it in our house by solo parent + child outings, where the other parent gets some peace. Might be a day at the zoo, might be a half hour at a park, might be only one of us runs along to dance class or baseball practice. And I am not above letting the talking picture box distract her for a half hour at a time either.
posted by stevis23 at 9:49 AM on April 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

My husband is an introvert and I have introvert friends who are parents! I'll just address that.

There are ages and stages where kids just talk all the time because their inner voice is not yet 'inner'. My now-11 year old was so chatty from 4-6 and now he's a huge introvert. So best to plan for that in advance. Strategies that have worked in our house:

1) Let the non-introvert parent (if there is one) handle the chattiness a lot! I take our sons out on 'adventures' most Sunday afternoons and my husband gets blissful, blissful downtime. Be a team on this. This is a need of yours, not an optional activity.

2) If the introvert parent (you) is or becomes a stay-at-hope parent, sign the child up for preschool whether it's inexpensive church-based or community-based preschool, or anything you can possibly afford. Or trade off with other parents (although this has other issues). Just make sure that between about 3.5-5 you have some guaranteed downtime. If you are a work-out-of-the-home parent, like my husband, build in 15-20 minutes of extra commute time to have some moments of peace before entering the child chatterstorm of the evening. Or book one night a week where the other parent does dinner-bedtime and you do something alone and peaceful. Whatever you need to charge the batteries.

3) As soon as your child is capable, introduce "quiet time." We started with an egg timer set at literally 3 minutes. The script went like this "mummy needs three minutes of quiet! Do you have some crayons/Lego/etc.? Okay, here is the timer, let's see if we can make three minutes!" This is not a capital crime as long as it's not all the time. I saved it for when my husband (or even I, an extrovert) was needing it. But the practice helped.

4) Definitely ease up on after-bedtime activities so you can use that time to recharge.

It totally can be done, parenting as an introvert. My children definitely enjoy the peace of time with my husband because, frankly, he is not all "how was your day? What are you building? What a neat drawing! Hey what are you doing at Khan Academy?" -- but it takes getting to about age 5-6 to really start to feel it. There are really about 2 super-intense years of chatter and then it passes.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:03 AM on April 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

Don't conflate the parenting issue with the friend issue. They're totally different.

With your friend, you can (and probably should) choose to limit the time you spend in a car with her, as you are wired so differently. No judgement, but someone like this that you can enjoy spending optional time with is going to make you crazy on a long car trip where you can't get away, and vice versa. Maybe if you listen to something in the car?

Your kid is different on every axis. She doesn't even talk yet so you don't know how she'll be, but assuming she's like most kids and chatty in the 3-6 year age range, you will figure out strategies for making quiet time for yourself. These should include regular, early bedtimes (good for kids and families anyway) and scheduled time for yourself. And you will be - not always, but often - enchanted by her chatter in a way that your friend can never match. And, tiny kids' chatter does not require the same kind of conversational engagement that an adult's does, anyway. And once they're older, it's a delight to have a real conversation with your own child.

[source: I pretty much hate it when most people talk at me, but I crave hearing what's in my kids' minds.]
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:07 AM on April 3, 2017 [3 favorites]

I'm a silence lover with an extremely chatty spouse and kids. It might make your friend less talkative but happily so if you guys agreed on an audiobook or series of downloaded podcasts to listen to together. Then she won't be dealing with silence, but you won't be required to be her active listener. A compromise?
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:07 AM on April 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

For me, my kids’ talking drove me as crazy as other people’s, and there were fewer ways to escape it politely, especially when they were young. (Some kids let you tune them out and say “mm-hmm” intermittently; mine demanded active engagement.) In addition to the already great suggestions above, I also found it helpful to turn up music and make that our focus, and to formally reduce the chatter during specific other activities- for example, I made a rule that if we’re on a walk outside, we can only talk about the things we could see, in part to increase their engagement in space but mostly to keep my kid from talking about money-making schemes incessantly. When they were very small it sometimes worked to suggest that they tell their story to the dog or one of their stuffed animals.
posted by metasarah at 10:25 AM on April 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

Nthing that it is different with your own beloveds esp. your kid but that there is nothing wrong with needing what you need in terms of space/quiet from them too. Plus, teaching your chatterbox kid to respect other people's need for quiet time will help them grow up to be a decent person with excellent social skills who knows how to read a room/nonverbal cues/etc.

For me, the taxing thing is not when someone is talking to me, but rather when I am expected to respond back. So podcasts and audiobooks are lovely on roadtrips because they provide stimulation to the extrovert while allowing the introvert to disengage.

And communicate up front with your friend about your needs and make sure you both are on board with trying to meet each other's needs as best you can.
posted by headnsouth at 10:26 AM on April 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

I work on a tech help desk, have to listen to other peoples everything, stories including subjects thoroughly unrelated to tech issue continuously for 8 hours a day. This morning I had to listen to the inside scoop on a woman's fungal infection. I am very friendly and kind but yeah, one can only bear so much. My family and friends know, because I have politely explained to them, that I cannot join them at Friday happy hour every week or chitty chat about nothing on the phone for hours because my introvert self needs silent, truly talk-free time to reset and rebalance, otherwise things go down the shitter fast for me.

If the friend is a FRIENDfriend she knows that you don't need all the words all the time, invite her to bring stuff along to entertain herself. Kindly remind her that you appreciate time to be quiet with your thoughts. Or maybe you could check out some books on CD, etc. for which you both will need to both be still to hear?

Good luck and happy travels!
posted by mcbeth at 11:01 AM on April 3, 2017

Nthing that your little person 1) may be different from other people, and 2) may be different for you. Watching (and hearing) a child, especially your own, grow and change can be magical, even when it is also draining AF. Don't be afraid to make time for yourself when you can, because it's a benefit to neither you nor your little one when you get stressed out while parenting.

Also, you can introduce music you like to your child, both as a way of expanding their little mind, and creating a calm, controlled sonic atmosphere for you. Some parents latch onto the idea of kids needing "kids music," but I'm a strong believer that all music is kids music, with caveats on language suitability.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:15 AM on April 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

The two of you need to find a way to meet in the middle.

I am the least chatty person I know, unless I can discuss politics/religion/humanism/etc. with people who do not have to share my beliefs.

Would you both perhaps be able to satisfy each other's desire for chatting if you gently guided your friend towards topics that you enjoy discussing? Small talk gets irritating after a while (as necessary as it is), but maybe your friend interprets 'My friend is talking to me!' as 'My friend cares about me!' and 'My friend isn't talking to me!' as 'My friend isn't happy with me!' Which is kind of silly but as someone who likes to talk with their friends about things I can see where your friend could be coming from. I feel awkward when conversation doesn't flow all that well, but I also get exhausted and don't want to talk after talking to people for a certain amount of time.

My friend cannot handle silence. She cannot last more than 4 seconds without filling the space between us with words. Much of it is noise.

Does your friend have some degree of anxiety? Also, does she have a smartphone? She really should bring a smartphone with her if you want to stay sane.
posted by actionpotential at 11:21 AM on April 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

Maybe talking with your own child is an exception somehow? Do other introverts care to comment?

On this, I've found that my own chatting/babbling kids do not register as draining my energy for a few years when they're young and still learning how to talk (up until, idk, 3?). At the point where they start getting on my nerves/draining my batteries the way grownup people do, they are old enough to understand that sometimes I need silence.
posted by The Toad at 8:10 PM on April 3, 2017 [1 favorite]