Hope Me!

March 8, 2017 8:48 AM

Help me make a list of stuff to do in preparation for a sudden move during a debilitating depression. Many special snowflake details inside.

I had a shit year in Portland OR and I'm running back home to VA with my tail between my legs. I am experiencing a debilitating episode of clinical drepression that started about a year ago. In June 2016, I was close to ending up in the psych hospital but was instead referred to 4 weeks of Intensive Outpaitent Treatment (IOP). IOP helped a bit and I returned to work (social work - we'll come back to this in a minute). Then in September I got married to my partner of 7 years only to find out three months later that he went on a goddamned date with a stranger five days after the wedding. So I DTMF'd and moved into a friend's garage in early January. I'm too depressed and anxious to work. I've tried over the last two months to get back on track but the nature of my job is just too much for me to handle. I can't go to work without panicing and crying. It's unethical for me to continue to carry a caseload because I'm not helpng my clients. Yesterday I began the process of setting up FMLA and applying for short term disability through my job. My psychiatrist will confirm that I am currently, and in the foreseeable future, unable to continue my career in social services. I have been in this field for 20 years. I have been employed everyday of my life since I was 15 years old. I've never not "adulted." I've got free room and board and a part time job waiting for me when I get to Virginia.

I have a very foggy brain right now and lots of balls still up in the air. My family purchased a ticket for me to fly home on March 28th. My ex and I still have a lease on our old place until March 31st (he's still living there) and we're currently sharing a phone plan. I'm behind in all my bills and expenses, I have a year remaining on a car lease for a Prius. I'm planning on just shipping a few boxes home and mostly purging all of my belongings. I'm not attached to material things and I don't mind starting over.

I could really use some help, dear Mefite friends, in making a timeline and a list of tasks (with the steps broken down into digestible bits that won't overwhelm me) that need to get done between now and the 28th. Which balls can I drop and which ones should I neatly tie up? How do you get out of a car lease? My credit is already terrible so I'm not too concerned with messing it up more.

These are all things that the healthy version of me can figure out but right now I'm not at all healthy. All I know to do now is get on that plane on 3/28. I am having a hell of time trying to prioritize anything without getting overwhelmed.

Thanks for reading this and thank you for any advice you might have on how to move through this transition with some semblance of responsibility.

posted by dchrssyr to Travel & Transportation (10 answers total)

Best answer: Get a notebook and start writing down lists, in ball-point pen. Write down a few things you've already done:

- job
- housing
- post AskMe question
- plane ticket
[probably other stuff]

Those are all significant, and you can cross them all off. Cross them off! It may sound silly, but it will probably help.

Then you can list people to call: old friends, relatives, etc. - only people who are nice to you, mind!

Once you actually call them, you can cross them off. If you happen to set up lunch dates with any, add them to the list.

Then, you can make a list of your bills, your car lease, etc.

I understand wanting to get rid of stuff and not have to deal with it, but there's actual wealth, that you earned, in those miscellaneous drinking glasses, baking pans, stereo speakers, etc. Maybe one or two of the friends you call will help you store and/or ship your stuff. Don't let your hard-won wealth go.

So:

- ask friends about storing/shipping stuff later
- ask friends about helping pack
- get boxes
- borrow tape gun, maybe marker for boxes
- get tape
- (with friend) pack and _label_ in _detail_ boxes


You need a support system in your new location. Hopefully some of the friends you call will be in that location. You'll also need to find:

- counselor
- medical doctor
- cafe where people will be
- new place you want to visit or explore (a park, restaurant, shopping destination)
- new activity you're interested in trying


Then, set up an appointment with anyone you want to (counselor?). Add that to the list.


Make sure your finances are as separate as they need to be.

This is not a complete list, but I hope it's helpful. You're doing really well, I think.
posted by amtho at 9:17 AM on March 8, 2017 [8 favorites]

I had a shit year in Portland OR and I'm running back home to VA
Oh, I've done this! Only it was from MN back to FL, and I didn't last even a full year. I predict this will feel glorious to do and be very good for you, given you've been adulting away steadily since the age of 15. You need a rest, as who wouldn't, and I love your family for getting you the ticket and helping. Agree with antho, you've done amazingly well. I love the list idea, too, especially the already-accomplished stuff going on the list and then getting crossed off.

I think at this point you need to be responsible for one thing, and that's getting onto the plane home. Anything you accomplish beyond that is extra credit.

Can you delegate? Who can take over for you for a while and figure out what to do about some of the balls in the air? Psychiatrist? Garagefriend or other friends? Fellow social workers? Family again? Maybe United Way? Legal aid?
posted by Don Pepino at 9:22 AM on March 8, 2017 [3 favorites]

The answers here are great.

Specifically in regard to the car lease; there should be a phone number right on the original paperwork. Call that number, tell them that due to medical issues you need to move away and cancel the lease. They will tell you specifically what your options are.
posted by LauraJ at 9:43 AM on March 8, 2017

Don't forget that your body is sick as hell and have no reason to be ashamed that you can't work or hack it on your own. Chemo gives people brain fog, too, but nobody thinks they're lesser humans for it. Forgive yourself.

And congratulate yourself for managing to DTMFA in the middle of all this. You are handling life better than you think.

amtho is right that some of your possessions represent accumulated wealth, but it's also hella expensive to ship a bunch of stuff across the country.

Some items:

1. Find a home for the Prius for the rest of the lease. Maybe rent a storage unit for it and leave the keys with a friend. Interstate car shipping is sketchy as hell (ask me how I know) and probably more than you'd want to take on.
2. Depending on how many boxes you need to ship, talk to a few interstate moving companies.
3. Get your name off of all the WA-based accounts with your loser asshole ex.
posted by radicalawyer at 9:45 AM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Hi there, just a clarification. I don't have cancer so no chemotherapy making me sick.

Edited to say: I see upon rereading that you are comparing my depression/anxiety brain fog to that which comes from cancer and cancer treatment. I understand. Thanks for your support.
posted by dchrssyr at 9:55 AM on March 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

Pack your suitcase for a one month stay. Don't forget your meds, your over the counter meds. Take your shampoo, and favorite soap, and enough toothpaste. Take your favorite pillows, sheets and blankets. If you work with a small credit union, open your new account immediately upon arrival. Fill your car with what you can carry. Take your favorite kitchen utensils if you cook. You need a pot, a saucepan, a frying pan and lid, a pizza pan or cookie sheet. You need your coffee maker, or hot water heater. Rent a U Haul for a morning, take one load to a thrift store, one load to the dump, and one load to your storage unit. Pay your storage unit out for three months. That is what it will take for the turnaround. If you can afford to take it all at once, still separate out what you want to toss, and give away. The last thing you pack or move is your bed. You will need to sleep well right up until you put the pedal to the metal. I did this in the second week of December. I actually planned pretty well. Even though you are depressed, do not throw away or abandon your favorite things, or pets. I should have read better, sorry.
posted by Oyéah at 9:56 AM on March 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

Do you have any friends in the area who could give you an afternoon or two to help plow through this? I have done it for friends in very similar circumstances, and have had friends support me through moves that came on all of a sudden. Sometimes we swapped! Life happens!

Having someone to just make a dent in it can make the biggest difference.

Hang in there. You can do this.
posted by goggie at 10:21 AM on March 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

What a shitty year! Good for you for getting the time and space you need to recover.

I found a post-it note wall helpful when I was overwhelmed with a move. I had different colors for different types of things (think car lease, physical stuff, house lease) and put them in neat columns and knew everything was in there and could see the number of notes getting smaller. Just get it out of your head, as best you can.

Your friends want to help. Let them. They can pack boxes, take boxes to be donated, take you out to dinner, possibly take on coordinating the moving company.

Timeline probably isn't a big deal, you just have a pile of stuff to do by March 27. Doing some things earlier or later probably won't make a huge difference. The only exception might be making sure the landlord knows you will not be renewing the lease.

Are you planning to stay in VA indefinitely? Shipping is expensive, and you will want to pare down. Books can be cheaply sent via Media Mail. Tiny valuable things can be sent separately with insurance and tracking. The obvious options for other stuff are
1) shipping pods from PODS, UHaul, ABF (expensive, but easier)
2) ABF U-pack (possibly cheaper, more work)
3) FedEx freight if you have around a pallet (8ish foot cube) worth of stuff.

Buying standard-sized boxes will make life easier (Home Depot, UHaul, or craigslist may have free ones). Use a lot of wadded newsprint to protect breakables. Write the name and phone number of someone you're staying with in VA on all the boxes just in case. Fedex had a typo in my destination address, and labeling saved a lot of trouble.

Figure out where you want discarded stuff to go. Goodwill takes most things and is easy. Metro can help you figure out what to do with excess tech stuff or hazardous materials.
posted by momus_window at 11:40 AM on March 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: This depends on your lease, but see what you can do to make sure you get back whatever you're supposed to from your security deposit. If your ex is leaving after you and you won't be there for the final walk-through with the landlord, you could take dated photos when you leave the place and see if a friend of yours would be willing to document the walkthrough in your stead.

Does your bank have branches where you're moving or is it a local one? If local, put a visit there to wrap things up on the list of things to do.

Another item for the list: set up mail forwarding at the post office.

It might be helpful for you if you can find somewhere else to stay for the last few days (or even just the last day) - for me, at least, that makes it easier to see what's left to pack up or clean, and also lets you have somewhere nice to get away from it all at night.

Focus on packing and shipping as much as you can by, say, the 19th. You probably won't get it all done but it'll make what's left feel much less daunting.

I couldn't tell if you've stopped working yet or if you're planning to work until you leave. Give yourself as much time off as you can, if the latter!

If there's anything you love about your area, let yourself enjoy it while you're there. (On the other hand, definitely don't stress about it if you're not in that mindset.) Sometimes taking a day to walk around and take pictures helps me feel some closure when leaving, or at least feel more in control.

If you get overwhelmed by large tasks, take advantage of the fact that you have twenty days to do this and take your time. Make a list of the most basic things that need to happen (packing, shipping, landlord, car, bills) along with how many hours you think each might take, to get a rough idea of what you're working with. (Smaller things will inevitably come up further on, so just add them to the list when they do, with a time estimate.)

Use the first ten days for the following, possibly even in this order:

1) Find your car lease and circle the phone number you need to call to ask about your options. Photograph it and put it in a folder or bag you'll use for all the account-type things you'll be wrapping up for this move.

2) Give yourself an hour at most to figure out how you want to ship things - by mail, regular moving company, pods, etc. If you come across any information you think you'll need later (phone numbers, addresses, names) write them down and also photograph them.

3) Collect the information for whatever local bills/accounts you'll want to close. Photograph it and put it in the folder/bag where you put your car lease.

4) If you're going to use a moving company, call them and make arrangements. Write down whatever is important, photograph it, and put it in the folder/bag/whatever.

5) If you need to get boxes for packing, go buy boxes, tape, and something like bubble wrap to pad with (get more than you need of all these so as to have less stress down the road). Get a permanent marker and scissors if you don't have them. Finally, get some large trash bags for things you want to throw away and things you want to give away.

6) Get some paper and something to write with, and give yourself 5 minutes to look at the car lease for information on early termination of the lease. Mark whatever part is important.

7) Call the number on the lease and write down whatever information they give you. If the options they give you suck, decide how to deal with it based on how you're feeling: by all means push back if you're up to it, but if not just say thanks, get off the line, schedule an hour for the next day to figure out what route to take, and let it go for the present. Photograph anything you wrote down and put your notes and the lease back in their folder/bag/wherever.

8) Fill up a box and label it. If doing that puts you in the packing mood, do one more.

9) Pick one of the bills you need to deal with. Call them to tell them this is your last month and to figure out a payment schedule for the balance. (Caveat: I'm assuming that's how it works where you live. If not, I assume they'll let you know!) Write down what they say, photograph, and put it away.

10) Do another box.

[Some more rounds of bill calls and boxes. Use the boxes as a chance to let your brain relax. Don't let yourself stress about packing at optimum efficiency - it might cost less in shipping, but that's not the priority right now.]

m) Talk with your dumb ex about how the end is going to play out. When is he leaving the apartment, is he going to have people over to help with his move and if so when, and when are you scheduling the landlord walkthrough or final meeting for. Enjoy the thought that even more people around the world now think he's an ass!

n) Unless you think this would be unhelpful, call up some friends and ask them to come help you pack on a given day, say the 18th. Also ask if you can sleep at their place for the last few nights.

o) Assess your list on the 19th. What bureaucracy-type things are left to take care of? Schedule an hour or two a day for them. Schedule a few more hours to wrap up your packing. If you've managed to do all or most of the above so far, you're in really good shape. If not, that's okay: you've taken care of at least some things, and you absolutely have enough time to take care of the rest.


Good luck with everything. It sounds like you've been working at one of the most emotionally draining jobs there is and have had a ludicrously bad blow from your ex, on top of anything else. Leaving doesn't seem like running away, it seems like a pretty adult next step to me.
posted by trig at 2:25 PM on March 8, 2017 [2 favorites]

I love trig's idea of photographing all the paperwork to back it up and also stashing all the paper in the same place to get it out of your face. Dealing with scary things in incremental steps and assessing your mood at each step is also lovely--number 7) is my favorite, I think: the instant it gets more terrifying, stop and assess: too scary? No problem! Photograph and stash today's progress, schedule your next attack, and go take a nap or a walk.

Oh, no, wait, wait, maybe it's letter m) that's my favorite: "Enjoy the thought that even more people around the world now think [your dumb ex] is an ass!"
posted by Don Pepino at 6:29 AM on March 9, 2017 [1 favorite]