Respite Care for Unwilling Seniors
March 6, 2017 1:34 PM Subscribe
My Mom is struggling to keep up being the sole caregiver for my grandmother--are there any places near the south Atlanta suburbs that help with respite care for people who don't want to go?
My mother has been the primary caregiver to my grandmother for the past year, and it is wearing her down. Last year, my grandmother had surgery on her back after she became unable to walk and use her hands. Her recovery has been pretty much nonexistent, as she still is unable to walk, and struggles to use a walker and a wheelchair independently. She has had physical therapy, but it has been a challenge to get her to do the necessary exercises. Her mind, however, is perfectly fine. My mother is an only child and my grandmother has always lived alone, leaning on my mom and dad for support. My grandmother has always been stubborn, but things have gotten much worse since her health began deteriorating.
When I last saw my mom at Christmas she had lost a significant amount of weight, which is worrisome because she was never close to being overweight to begin with. Even worse, I have never seen her so emotionally broken. My mom is a people-pleaser who has always had a hard time saying no to her mother. My grandmother apparently seems to nitpick and criticize everything my mom does, and my mom internalizes all of this. She's been trying to balance providing meals, cleaning, shopping, and bathing for my grandmother with her job--which she works six days a week. In addition to the financial strain of the day-to-day care, my mom/parents are paying for two of my grandmother's mortgages, as well as other expenses which my grandmother wants to micromanage. This, in addition to the history of bad blood between my grandmother and father has put a strain on my parents' relationship. My grandmother shows no signs of physically regaining her independence or changing her attitude to become more agreeable and less harsh, and this situation is not sustainable.
Things she has tried: talking to social workers, getting friends and extended family to help out financially and by physically coming to spend time with my grandmother. She pushes everyone away and only wants my mom to do things.
So I guess my questions are:
1) Are there any places that can provide short-term care to give my mom a break, near or around Fayette county, GA that are experienced in dealing with stubborn patients?
2) Are there any local support groups for people dealing with challenging senior caregiver responsibilities?
3) Any advice on how to get an elderly parent/grandparent to understand the toll full time care places on a caregiver? I know my grandmother's loss of physical independence and isolation are affecting her mental health, but she has little empathy for my mom and views it as simply her responsibility as her child. She doesn't get why my mom waould be overwhelmed.
4) Any advice on how I can help my mom cope? My family is very much so NOT the therapy or medication type, even though they have REALLY needed it for years now. I've discussed family therapy and individual therapy with my mother before, and it doesn't stick. They are more amenable to religious (Christianity) based coping mechanisms, but their church does not seem to be helpful at providing individualized assistance.
My mother has been the primary caregiver to my grandmother for the past year, and it is wearing her down. Last year, my grandmother had surgery on her back after she became unable to walk and use her hands. Her recovery has been pretty much nonexistent, as she still is unable to walk, and struggles to use a walker and a wheelchair independently. She has had physical therapy, but it has been a challenge to get her to do the necessary exercises. Her mind, however, is perfectly fine. My mother is an only child and my grandmother has always lived alone, leaning on my mom and dad for support. My grandmother has always been stubborn, but things have gotten much worse since her health began deteriorating.
When I last saw my mom at Christmas she had lost a significant amount of weight, which is worrisome because she was never close to being overweight to begin with. Even worse, I have never seen her so emotionally broken. My mom is a people-pleaser who has always had a hard time saying no to her mother. My grandmother apparently seems to nitpick and criticize everything my mom does, and my mom internalizes all of this. She's been trying to balance providing meals, cleaning, shopping, and bathing for my grandmother with her job--which she works six days a week. In addition to the financial strain of the day-to-day care, my mom/parents are paying for two of my grandmother's mortgages, as well as other expenses which my grandmother wants to micromanage. This, in addition to the history of bad blood between my grandmother and father has put a strain on my parents' relationship. My grandmother shows no signs of physically regaining her independence or changing her attitude to become more agreeable and less harsh, and this situation is not sustainable.
Things she has tried: talking to social workers, getting friends and extended family to help out financially and by physically coming to spend time with my grandmother. She pushes everyone away and only wants my mom to do things.
So I guess my questions are:
1) Are there any places that can provide short-term care to give my mom a break, near or around Fayette county, GA that are experienced in dealing with stubborn patients?
2) Are there any local support groups for people dealing with challenging senior caregiver responsibilities?
3) Any advice on how to get an elderly parent/grandparent to understand the toll full time care places on a caregiver? I know my grandmother's loss of physical independence and isolation are affecting her mental health, but she has little empathy for my mom and views it as simply her responsibility as her child. She doesn't get why my mom waould be overwhelmed.
4) Any advice on how I can help my mom cope? My family is very much so NOT the therapy or medication type, even though they have REALLY needed it for years now. I've discussed family therapy and individual therapy with my mother before, and it doesn't stick. They are more amenable to religious (Christianity) based coping mechanisms, but their church does not seem to be helpful at providing individualized assistance.
Best answer: You could start with the Atlanta Area Agency on Aging's Agewise Connnection referral service. Search online here or call 404.463.3333 to speak to an information and referral specialist.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:49 PM on March 6, 2017
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:49 PM on March 6, 2017
Sorry you're going through this. Like joan_holloway says, your mom may just have to put her foot down about assisted living. Would it help at all if an authority figure like your grandmother's doctor suggested it?
If it helps assuage the guilt around that, my great-grandmother was adamant that she didn't want to move to assisted living. However, once she got there, she actually really enjoyed being around other folks from her generation, and having access to activities that were designed for folks with various kinds of impairments.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 2:07 PM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
If it helps assuage the guilt around that, my great-grandmother was adamant that she didn't want to move to assisted living. However, once she got there, she actually really enjoyed being around other folks from her generation, and having access to activities that were designed for folks with various kinds of impairments.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 2:07 PM on March 6, 2017 [1 favorite]
You might try Visiting Angels for respite care. I don't have experience with them in the Atlanta area specifically, but my grandmother -- who was previously VERY resistant to help from anyone but my mother -- adores them and they have made a huge difference. It's not cheap, but some insurance will cover at least part of the cost so you might look into that. I believe they are a franchise, though, so I'm not sure to what extent quality varies by area -- but might at least be worth checking out.
I will also add, I do not believe they are affiliated with any particular religion, despite the name, but I think that "angels" being in the name is oddly part of what allowed my grandmother to accept help from them -- she constantly refers to her "angel" and speaks of them in quasi-religious terms. So, I do not think they will proselytize or anything like that, but especially since you mentioned that your family might be more amenable to religious coping mechanisms, I thought I would mention that this might be a nice side effect of using that particular service.
posted by rainbowbrite at 3:00 PM on March 6, 2017
I will also add, I do not believe they are affiliated with any particular religion, despite the name, but I think that "angels" being in the name is oddly part of what allowed my grandmother to accept help from them -- she constantly refers to her "angel" and speaks of them in quasi-religious terms. So, I do not think they will proselytize or anything like that, but especially since you mentioned that your family might be more amenable to religious coping mechanisms, I thought I would mention that this might be a nice side effect of using that particular service.
posted by rainbowbrite at 3:00 PM on March 6, 2017
Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent may be useful here.
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:59 PM on March 6, 2017
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:59 PM on March 6, 2017
In regards to helping your mom cope, if you can get her connected to a support group I think that will help tremendously. Knowing that there are other people out there who have the same fears and frustrations as her will (hopefully) make her feel better about having some of those resentful feelings (cause they happen!) and help her vent those to non family members who she feels like won't begrudge her for having those feelings. Also, simply going to that group may open the door for your mom to actually consider therapy. I wouldn't be too quick to make that connection to her (in other words, don't say "This is just like going to therapy!) but she might see that having someone to talk to privately is the natural next step.
I don't know of any support groups in that area (I live elsewhere) but the Area Agency on Aging may have a list. You could also start googling...there are some counseling centers where I live who host specialty groups for caregivers (along with a whole host of other topics) so it may be a matter of finding who offers what and maybe calling a few places for referrals to other groups. Therapists tend to stay connected and know what is being offered in their area.
posted by MultiFaceted at 9:09 AM on March 7, 2017
I don't know of any support groups in that area (I live elsewhere) but the Area Agency on Aging may have a list. You could also start googling...there are some counseling centers where I live who host specialty groups for caregivers (along with a whole host of other topics) so it may be a matter of finding who offers what and maybe calling a few places for referrals to other groups. Therapists tend to stay connected and know what is being offered in their area.
posted by MultiFaceted at 9:09 AM on March 7, 2017
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We are currently navigating the world of Medicaid funding for assisted living which is a whole other ballpark. She's currently in a hospital and has a social worker finding her a place, and she can't leave the hospital until they find her somewhere to go. This is what social workers are for but your mom has to find the guts to put her foot down and tell them and her mom "I cannot be the caregiver anymore. I am walking away from this. You deal with it."
If for some reason assisted living isn't an option, you can also hire people through a service like Care.com for $20+ an hour to help as much as you need. They can do anything like taking her to appointments, clean her apartment, do chores and errands, socialize, etc.
Also, there are absolutely caregiver resources and support groups. I'm not in Atlanta so don't have any local recommendations but you should be able to google this and find lots of local organizations that provide advice, resources, support groups or advice lines, etc.
posted by joan_holloway at 1:44 PM on March 6, 2017 [3 favorites]