Help me figure out what to say?
March 5, 2017 1:36 AM Subscribe
I am looking for two or three sentences that I can literally memorize before I go to two conferences in the next few weeks, where I have to navigate a tricky business situation that has a personal component. Help.
For years I’ve worked as a freelance “teapot quality control manager” (not really, but that’s the gist) for 2 famous teapot makers, Mary & Jane, who’d teamed up on a line of bestselling teapots. Mary was also my longtime BFF. I also worked on projects with other makers, and on Mary and Jane’s solo projects.
1.5 years ago, Mary broke off our friendship in an ugly, awful way, but wanted to keep working together. I agreed despite my intense personal pain, thinking it would be good for my continuing professional reputation, and did so until it became clear that she was using this as a way to treat me horribly while still getting good work from me. I dropped all of Mary’s projects going forward, which necessitated dropping the project she does with Jane. I still work for Jane separately, and all my other clients.
For my own sanity, I had to go no-contact/no-social with Mary, but because I haven’t wanted to air my dirty laundry, many in the teapot world still assume that she is my BFF and that I will automatically be working on the next Mary/Jane duo project which is coming later this year.
In the next few weeks I am presenting at two important industry conferences which draw large crowds of professionals and fans in the teapot world. I need sentences I can use in the following scenarios:
#1: Fans of the Mary/Jane project who will excitedly say: When is the next one coming out?? ZOMG do you love working on those teapots?? Tell us the behind-the-scenes details!!
#2: Industry people who think Mary is my BFF will guilelessly ask: Where’s Mary? Isn’t she here with you? What’s up next for you guys? I’ll be in your town and would love to have coffee with you and Mary! (The last time this happened, literally on the sidewalk when I ran into a mutual acquaintance, I accidentally burst into tears.)
#3: A couple of people who are insider enough will say: Wow, I heard you’re no longer working with Mary. What happened?
#4: Mary may have bad-mouthed me. I don't know if this is happening, but what if it gets back to me that she has? I can 100% honestly say that the last portion of our relationship -- after she ended our friendship but while I was still working with her -- she behaved incredibly unprofessionally. Some of the teapots turned out poorly, despite my best quality control work, simply because she was working at about 10% of her usual level of professionalism/creativity/etc. She may have blamed poor teapot sales on me. Just in case this sort of thing comes up, what should I say? I know what I'd *like* to say, but it involves cursing so I'm pretty sure that's not the best solution.
I have intense, emotional feelings about the end of my friendship with Mary. It hurt me deeply. The only way I can make it through these events – which are important to me, so I won’t skip them – is to memorize my responses to these questions. Please suggest scripts for me. Thank you.
For years I’ve worked as a freelance “teapot quality control manager” (not really, but that’s the gist) for 2 famous teapot makers, Mary & Jane, who’d teamed up on a line of bestselling teapots. Mary was also my longtime BFF. I also worked on projects with other makers, and on Mary and Jane’s solo projects.
1.5 years ago, Mary broke off our friendship in an ugly, awful way, but wanted to keep working together. I agreed despite my intense personal pain, thinking it would be good for my continuing professional reputation, and did so until it became clear that she was using this as a way to treat me horribly while still getting good work from me. I dropped all of Mary’s projects going forward, which necessitated dropping the project she does with Jane. I still work for Jane separately, and all my other clients.
For my own sanity, I had to go no-contact/no-social with Mary, but because I haven’t wanted to air my dirty laundry, many in the teapot world still assume that she is my BFF and that I will automatically be working on the next Mary/Jane duo project which is coming later this year.
In the next few weeks I am presenting at two important industry conferences which draw large crowds of professionals and fans in the teapot world. I need sentences I can use in the following scenarios:
#1: Fans of the Mary/Jane project who will excitedly say: When is the next one coming out?? ZOMG do you love working on those teapots?? Tell us the behind-the-scenes details!!
#2: Industry people who think Mary is my BFF will guilelessly ask: Where’s Mary? Isn’t she here with you? What’s up next for you guys? I’ll be in your town and would love to have coffee with you and Mary! (The last time this happened, literally on the sidewalk when I ran into a mutual acquaintance, I accidentally burst into tears.)
#3: A couple of people who are insider enough will say: Wow, I heard you’re no longer working with Mary. What happened?
#4: Mary may have bad-mouthed me. I don't know if this is happening, but what if it gets back to me that she has? I can 100% honestly say that the last portion of our relationship -- after she ended our friendship but while I was still working with her -- she behaved incredibly unprofessionally. Some of the teapots turned out poorly, despite my best quality control work, simply because she was working at about 10% of her usual level of professionalism/creativity/etc. She may have blamed poor teapot sales on me. Just in case this sort of thing comes up, what should I say? I know what I'd *like* to say, but it involves cursing so I'm pretty sure that's not the best solution.
I have intense, emotional feelings about the end of my friendship with Mary. It hurt me deeply. The only way I can make it through these events – which are important to me, so I won’t skip them – is to memorize my responses to these questions. Please suggest scripts for me. Thank you.
I'm all for preparation but you might be pleasantly surprised - people might not broach these issues at your event at all.
By dwelling on this too much and with too much preparation you might actually give one of your pre-prepared answers to a question where it's not actually needed.
The most important thing you can do here just relax and just roll with it.
When I'm relaxed and in a "don't care too much" frame of mind, on-the-spot answers to tricky questions come easily. When I'm tensed up and over-dwelling on something smooth answers prove more elusive. So just chill out and everything should be fine.
posted by jacobean at 6:44 AM on March 5, 2017
By dwelling on this too much and with too much preparation you might actually give one of your pre-prepared answers to a question where it's not actually needed.
The most important thing you can do here just relax and just roll with it.
When I'm relaxed and in a "don't care too much" frame of mind, on-the-spot answers to tricky questions come easily. When I'm tensed up and over-dwelling on something smooth answers prove more elusive. So just chill out and everything should be fine.
posted by jacobean at 6:44 AM on March 5, 2017
Ok, the first thing you have to keep in mind is that nobody cares ANYWHERE near as much about you, including your professional and personal relationships with Mary, as you do. You're feeling like it's going to be the focus of the conference for other people. It won't be.
At most, people sometimes gossip curiously because they're bored. But really, that's it. Nobody REALLY cares.
So it's just a question of how YOU should not talk about it, since nobody else is going to dig deep. What would you say if you were asked about someone you'd mutually, casually drifted away from? Use those terms. "I'd love to have coffee! I don't know if Mary's here, but I'm available tomorrow at 10." "I've been so busy with other teapots I haven't actually been doing MaryJane for a while. These other teapots are really something!" "I'm so swamped this conference, but I'd love to get together if I can get a moment later! I'll text you later." Things like that.
And if nobody asks, which is just as likely, don't bring Mary up at all.
ps - sorry about the loss of your friend. I know it really really hurts.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:41 AM on March 5, 2017 [9 favorites]
At most, people sometimes gossip curiously because they're bored. But really, that's it. Nobody REALLY cares.
So it's just a question of how YOU should not talk about it, since nobody else is going to dig deep. What would you say if you were asked about someone you'd mutually, casually drifted away from? Use those terms. "I'd love to have coffee! I don't know if Mary's here, but I'm available tomorrow at 10." "I've been so busy with other teapots I haven't actually been doing MaryJane for a while. These other teapots are really something!" "I'm so swamped this conference, but I'd love to get together if I can get a moment later! I'll text you later." Things like that.
And if nobody asks, which is just as likely, don't bring Mary up at all.
ps - sorry about the loss of your friend. I know it really really hurts.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:41 AM on March 5, 2017 [9 favorites]
#1 "I am no longer involved in Mary-Jane teapots. You will need to ask them."
#2 "I don't know where Mary is at the moment. I would love to have coffee with you when you are next in town."
#3 "Oh, you know, things change. Change is the one constant in life."
#4 "I am extremely disappointed to hear that she would say that."
I agree with you that you should do your best to not get into the details, not for the sake of "professionalism," but because it just magnifies the problem in multiple ways.
I don't think memorizing sentences will work because there are multiple different ways this could come up. I think what you need is to get it clear in your mind what to talk about and what not to talk about.
Here is where I would draw that boundary: Other people are entitled to know that you no longer work on X. They are not entitled to know anything about your personal life per se.
If you tell them you aren't working on X and they push for personal details, I would not hesitate to stare, say nothing, maybe shake my head and walk off at that point. Most people will eventually get the memo that you no longer work on Mary's teapots and there is some sort of unspecified back story. But you are just not obligated to answer those personal questions. So don't answer them.
People love digging in other people's dirt, not because they care about you, but because it makes them feel better about their own life or let's them live vicariously through you or otherwise provides them some sort of emotional satisfaction. You do not have to go along with being their emotional snack for the day.
You might also try journaling before you go in order to process some of this. That would make you less likely to burst into tears or whatever.
posted by Michele in California at 8:10 AM on March 5, 2017 [3 favorites]
#2 "I don't know where Mary is at the moment. I would love to have coffee with you when you are next in town."
#3 "Oh, you know, things change. Change is the one constant in life."
#4 "I am extremely disappointed to hear that she would say that."
I agree with you that you should do your best to not get into the details, not for the sake of "professionalism," but because it just magnifies the problem in multiple ways.
I don't think memorizing sentences will work because there are multiple different ways this could come up. I think what you need is to get it clear in your mind what to talk about and what not to talk about.
Here is where I would draw that boundary: Other people are entitled to know that you no longer work on X. They are not entitled to know anything about your personal life per se.
If you tell them you aren't working on X and they push for personal details, I would not hesitate to stare, say nothing, maybe shake my head and walk off at that point. Most people will eventually get the memo that you no longer work on Mary's teapots and there is some sort of unspecified back story. But you are just not obligated to answer those personal questions. So don't answer them.
People love digging in other people's dirt, not because they care about you, but because it makes them feel better about their own life or let's them live vicariously through you or otherwise provides them some sort of emotional satisfaction. You do not have to go along with being their emotional snack for the day.
You might also try journaling before you go in order to process some of this. That would make you less likely to burst into tears or whatever.
posted by Michele in California at 8:10 AM on March 5, 2017 [3 favorites]
I've been in this situation professionally and I simply say, "We haven't kept in touch." Not a single person ever asked a followup.
posted by nev at 8:12 AM on March 5, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by nev at 8:12 AM on March 5, 2017 [12 favorites]
This sort of thing comes up all the time so, while people are likely to ask, they are also likely to just let it go after you provide a vague explanation that suggests the truth but steers far clear of any salacious details. I think you're on the right track to be prepared with that vague explanation. You can mention "creative differences" or say that "our collaboration was getting a bit stale so we decided to pursue separate paths" or simply "it was time to move on".
posted by DrGail at 9:14 AM on March 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by DrGail at 9:14 AM on March 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
(cribbing from other posters' excellent ideas)
Mary and I haven't kept in touch since our last teapot endeavor. I've just been so busy with my new tea sets!
posted by Night_owl at 11:15 AM on March 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
Mary and I haven't kept in touch since our last teapot endeavor. I've just been so busy with my new tea sets!
posted by Night_owl at 11:15 AM on March 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
The other answers are great. I kind of agree that not coming across as super prepared for the question might be good. E.g., I'm on fine terms with an old boss and recently said the equivalent of "oh hmm I don't know what's up with her, last I heard she was finishing up [the 2016 spring line]. I hope that sold well." For those who really press, "we both wanted to try something new" could work -- and it's true! You wanted to try something other than the BS she was subjecting you to. :)
I've been in a painful friend situation that sounds roughly proportional. Friend loss is painful even in the best of circumstances. (I've had a more mundane instance of a friend disappearing, too, and even that involved crying in public when the topic came up.) Something I noticed is that I was getting second-hand exposure to the hurtful ex-friend via a mutual acquaintance. I remember the ex- badmouthing others, so I assumed she was badmouthing me and that the mutual friend was seeing me through that lens. It got to a point where I couldn't be around this mutual friend while imagining the worst -- it was like being hurt afresh by the friend every time I saw the mutual friend. I was on the verge of just no longer contacting her, so I figured there was no harm to just asking, and it turned out it was all in my head. And that the mutual friend had her own mild issues with the hurtful person. Then I realized how many people I'd been avoiding out of this same fear. Your #4, and even kind of #3, sound very equivalent to what I was doing to myself unnecessarily. My point is that while she might be badmouthing you, or making it clear that you've broken up, she also very much might not be. By suspecting it strongly, I was kind of re-traumatizing myself unnecessarily. And the people who really really know her might have some idea that she isn't a saint. I never suspected my friend wasn't a saint, but that's why we were such BFFs. Others saw her more realistically. Good luck at the conference!
posted by salvia at 1:16 PM on March 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
I've been in a painful friend situation that sounds roughly proportional. Friend loss is painful even in the best of circumstances. (I've had a more mundane instance of a friend disappearing, too, and even that involved crying in public when the topic came up.) Something I noticed is that I was getting second-hand exposure to the hurtful ex-friend via a mutual acquaintance. I remember the ex- badmouthing others, so I assumed she was badmouthing me and that the mutual friend was seeing me through that lens. It got to a point where I couldn't be around this mutual friend while imagining the worst -- it was like being hurt afresh by the friend every time I saw the mutual friend. I was on the verge of just no longer contacting her, so I figured there was no harm to just asking, and it turned out it was all in my head. And that the mutual friend had her own mild issues with the hurtful person. Then I realized how many people I'd been avoiding out of this same fear. Your #4, and even kind of #3, sound very equivalent to what I was doing to myself unnecessarily. My point is that while she might be badmouthing you, or making it clear that you've broken up, she also very much might not be. By suspecting it strongly, I was kind of re-traumatizing myself unnecessarily. And the people who really really know her might have some idea that she isn't a saint. I never suspected my friend wasn't a saint, but that's why we were such BFFs. Others saw her more realistically. Good luck at the conference!
posted by salvia at 1:16 PM on March 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
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#2 "I'd really love to meet up with you when you're next in town! I'm not actually working on anything involving Mary at present so obviously can't speak to what she's doing but let me tell you about foo ..."
#3 (depending on how well you know them / trust them) -"We had a personal issue come up so aren't working together, but I really appreciated the projects we did complete and am still working with Jane. It's a bit difficult to talk about it now, I'm sure you understand, but I'm now doing foo and am so excited - let me tell you all about it!"
#4 (surprised and slightly sadly) - "Oh? That's not something I'd heard before." (Much more upbeat) "Well, I'm still working together with Jane on various projects and have been invited to work on teapot quality control for Ann, Betty and Clara, so I'm still in demand, ha ha! And let me tell you about my new favourite techniques involving foo..."
Rise above as far as you can.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 3:23 AM on March 5, 2017 [31 favorites]