All Due Respect to The Onion
February 7, 2017 5:53 PM   Subscribe

I'm writing a... zine. Set in America, 2022. Trump has been re-elected.

For the opening pages I need approximately 60 headlines that cover the period from present day to 2022. I'm looking for a mix of funny, poignant, dark -- and I need them to sound plausible.

Here's a (real) headline from today: "Al-Qaeda leader mocks 'the new fool of the White House' after Yemen Raid"

Here's one I've already written: "President Trump reportedly 'auditioning' staff in White House ballrooms"

Everything in Pop-Culture is fair-game (celebrities, government, finance, tech companies, climate, international stuff, but I want to avoid obvious low-blows. No "Barron Trump finally diagnosed with autism" type-of stuff. Also no nuke stuff, I have that covered.

Don't hate me but I'm giving Beyonce post-partum psychosis and killing off Julian Assange in a helicopter crash. Paris Hilton is involved. When the zine is done I'll be giving it away free, in hopes of inspiring people to read more!

I'll also give credit if you want it.

Thanks for being awesome, MeFi <3
posted by polly_dactyl to Grab Bag (33 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
If you want that historical flavor there's TRUMP TO COUNTRY: DROP DEAD
posted by Wretch729 at 6:20 PM on February 7, 2017 [3 favorites]


This is the single most depressing question I've ever contemplated answering on mefi.
posted by yohko at 6:46 PM on February 7, 2017 [28 favorites]


CLIMATE CHANGE HEATS UP

AIR, WATER FILTERS HOT NEW INDUSTRY

5 YEARS AFTER BORDER CLOSE, A DOCTOR SHORTAGE
posted by yohko at 6:50 PM on February 7, 2017 [4 favorites]


This is the single most depressing question I've ever contemplated answering on mefi.
posted by yohko at 8:46 PM on February 7 [mark as best answer] [2 favorites +] [!]


Aww, sorry dude. That's an honor, though -- it's supposed to be terrifying!

(Dr shortage is good stuff -- I'm already working on the organ shortage and how that might usher in the artificial/pig organs. Thanks!)
posted by polly_dactyl at 6:55 PM on February 7, 2017 [1 favorite]


This is tough but maybe, "Bowling Green Massacre: The Musical Nominated for Tony" or "Bowling Green Reenactments Lack Authenticity. Sad." By the way, have you heard the legit rumor that Assange is dating Pamela Anderson? That's the most benign but weird thing I've read lately; we have truly fallen through the looking glass.
posted by katemcd at 7:10 PM on February 7, 2017


Here's a few from the darkest timeline, because I need to vent some politics anger:
New York Times Purchased By DeVos Family
Washington, D.C. Curfew Continues for Seventeenth Straight Day; "We'll Go Until Protests Stop," Tweets Trump
More Than 75% of Nation's Poor Now Educated in Parochial Schools, Report Finds
posted by capricorn at 7:17 PM on February 7, 2017 [1 favorite]


Supreme Court split on constitutionality of forced Anglicization of all US citizen family names.
posted by Prof Iterole at 7:34 PM on February 7, 2017 [1 favorite]


News Industry in Suprise Rebound as ISPs Lose Subs Due to Pricing Schemes

Trump Says Won't Endorse Pence 2024; Rumors of Bannon Endorsement

The_Donald Subreddit Celebrates Fourth Year as Official Press Outlet for Administration

White House Announces Reduction in National Free Speech Zones Permit Issuances for 2023

Pope Francis Holding European Summit: "We Must Open our Borders to American Refugees"

George R.R. Martin Dies; Estate Spokesman Advises "Song of Ice and Fire" Drafts Not Far Enough Along for Publication

"Dumbphones" Resurgence: Industry Insiders See as Backlash Against Declining Battery Life and Brand-Exclusive Peripherals

Jessamyn West Awarded ALA Lifetime Achievement Award

In Wake of Chicago Massacre, Rauner Bucks Trump and Party and Orders National Guard Out of City

Kanye West and 'South Park' Creators Team Up for Self-Referential "Gay Fish" Album

Stephen King at 75: Horror Author Accepts Emmy for Penning "Stranger Things" Season 6
posted by WCityMike at 7:35 PM on February 7, 2017 [4 favorites]


Tiffany Trump Receives Kennedy Center Honor
posted by modesty.blaise at 7:51 PM on February 7, 2017 [1 favorite]


Old Faithful Fails: Fracking In Former Yellowstone Blamed
posted by acorncup at 7:56 PM on February 7, 2017 [2 favorites]


New at Mar-a-Lago: Indoor Saltwater Pool Replaces 1st Floor
Members and guests offered opportunity to swim with manatees, jellyfish, and sharks
posted by Daily Alice at 7:58 PM on February 7, 2017 [1 favorite]


Trump's "Collected Tweets" Album Wins 2021 Best Spoken-Word Grammy
posted by Cookiebastard at 8:01 PM on February 7, 2017


Metafilter Ruled Terrorist Organization

raids fail, influential members vanish after sending children to Iran
posted by Mr. Yuck at 8:36 PM on February 7, 2017 [1 favorite]


TRUMP SAYS NY TIMES GREAT NEWS, SMART PEOPLE

MEFIGHTERS ARRESTED, REFUSE TO REVEAL CABAL NAMES

TONIGHT ON TRUMPTV -- CAKE AND CIRCUSES
posted by yohko at 9:11 PM on February 7, 2017 [1 favorite]


"Historical drama "Bowling Green Massacre" wins Best Picture,
and plaudits for accuracy by new White House-appointed All-Media Fact-Checker!"
posted by blueberry at 9:12 PM on February 7, 2017


HALF LIFE 3 "NOT VERY GOOD"
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:12 PM on February 7, 2017 [4 favorites]


STEPHEN KING RETIRE-...WAIT, NEVER MIND
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:13 PM on February 7, 2017


"Potable Water Appoved for 'Trump States' Only""
posted by blueberry at 9:13 PM on February 7, 2017 [1 favorite]


Take your cue from this article.

Also this:
Secretary of State Ivanka Trump Kushner announced Wednesday she will be forming a presidential exploratory committee ahead of the 2024 election.

Also,
posted by Kwadeng at 9:18 PM on February 7, 2017 [1 favorite]


BANNON ON DOC SHORTAGE: HEALTHCARE FOR SOME
posted by yohko at 9:23 PM on February 7, 2017


21 year old Jackie Evancho turned heads during the Grammy Awards when she picked up the gong for Album of the Year for 'November 8th, 2016' and gave a moving speech in which she called for young women to "love" their country.
posted by Kwadeng at 9:33 PM on February 7, 2017


Lin-Manuel's Miranda Writes Broadway Smash
New in Novosibirsk -- Trump University Campus Opens
Vaccination Rate at Lowest Point in 65 Years
Another Baby for Melania?
Triplets for Melania!
Florida's Cholera Outbreak Heads North
Japan: Zika Vaccine Decades Away
Timberlake Eyes Political Office
Trump to Gov. Schneiderman: You're Still a Hack
Widow Assange Cries Foul Play
Lin-Manuel's Miranda Writes Box-Office Smash
posted by furtive_jackanapes at 10:10 PM on February 7, 2017 [1 favorite]


President Trump Signs Executive Order Establishing National Militia
Supreme Court Upholds Appointment of Federal Emergency Manager For California, Displacing Elected Governor
posted by XMLicious at 10:46 PM on February 7, 2017


March 2018: POST-JOHNSON AMENDMENT, SCIENTOLOGISTS GO ALL-IN FOR GOP
Church a willing vessel for billions in tax-free political donations


July 2018: NETFLIX ON LIFE SUPPORT AS XFINITY, TW/ATT NEGOTIATIONS BREAK DOWN
Retaliatory throttling renders site unusable to millions


October 2018: CONTROVERSIAL WIKILEAKS BOMBSHELL IMPLICATES TOP DEMS IN CHILD ABUSE RING
"Horrifying slander" say Brown, Kaine, Menendez in joint statement


December 2018: REPUBLICAN SUPERMAJORITY EYES NEW CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENTS
Balanced budget, Commerce Clause reform, abortion ban on the table


February 2019: TRUMP ORDERS MILITARY QUARANTINE FOR ORANGE FEVER VICTIMS

April 2019: MOSUL DAM SABOTAGED; CATASTROPHIC FLOODING KILLS 750K
"Let Xenu sort them out," Trump said to joke


August 2019: TWITTER, REDDIT FOLD UNDER LEGAL AND BOTNET PRESSURE
Controversial rivals 8chan, Voat.co claim social news throne


January 2020: QUAKE TOPPLES FRISCO'S "LEANING TOWER"
Gov. Thiel declines meager FEMA aid, urges privatized disaster relief


March 2020: FRANKEN-ZUCK PRIMARY BATTLE FUELS RESURGENCE IN ANTI-SEMITIC HATE SPEECH ONLINE
Alt-right trolls stoke tensions between progressives, corporatists


July 2020: CANADIAN PM O'LEARY DENOUNCES RUSSIAN AGGRESSION IN ICE-FREE ARCTIC
Emboldened by EU collapse, Moscow staking claim to newly exposed mineral resources


October 2020: MILITARY ANALYSTS DEBATE AUTHENTICITY OF TRUMP'S "TREMENDOUS" IRANIAN AIR STRIKE VIDEO
"Spectacular" footage racking up millions of views on social media


December 2020: FRANKEN CAMPAIGN BLAMES FACEBOOK INTERFERENCE, "WAG THE DOG" FOR NARROW LOSS
"Lies and the lying liars who tell them" retain control of all branches, candidate says


January 2021: TRUMP INAUGURAL EMBRACES 3 S'S: STATISM, SURVEILLANCE, SCIENTOLOGY

March 2021: GINSBURG IN CRITICAL CONDITION FOLLOWING SHOCK DRONE ATTACK
Hill staff leak list of "Lochner-friendly" nominees


June 2021: TRUMP, FARAGE, PUTIN MOCK EMERGENCY UN MEETING ON "CLATHRATE GUN" FEARS

September 2022: CASCADING DEBRIS CRIPPLES SATELLITES, RENDERS SPACE TRAVEL ALL BUT IMPOSSIBLE
Musk to Trump: "I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me"



[BREAKING NEWS: VANTABLACK CREATOR SUES METAFILTER COMMENT FOR INFRINGING ON "WORLD'S DARKEST MATERIAL" COPYRIGHT]
posted by Rhaomi at 10:54 PM on February 7, 2017 [11 favorites]


THESE. ARE. FANTASTIC. Thank you, thank you!

In happier news I'm watching the Today Show (for some reason) and they have a FACT CHECK segment. "Did the President make a false claim?" is the freaking banner at the bottom of the screen!

A tornado touched down here yesterday so this has been a welcome distraction. Thanks again!
posted by polly_dactyl at 5:17 AM on February 8, 2017


Real News from today:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/one-judges-order-for-hate-crime-committers-read-more-books_us_589a299be4b040613139e024?section=us_books
posted by polly_dactyl at 5:28 AM on February 8, 2017


JUSTICE RUTH BADER GINSBURG HOSPITALIZED, THOUSANDS GATHER OUTSIDE
posted by lydhre at 8:02 AM on February 8, 2017


February 2021:
Midwest mom still driving twenty minutes out of her way to avoid Trump/Pence sign on neighboring street

Knitting declared illegal. Supreme Court accepts case to determine whether crochet is really knitting

USPS records record profit on back of eight-year long postcard protest campaigns. Now more profitable than Trump Industries

Comedians now unfunny due to death of irony, inability to imagine anything that hasn't happened already. Dystopic fiction no longer a genre, tragedy on its last fucking legs as well

Sean Spicer finally grows into suit coat.

Trump regime continues with Bible rewrite: possible reduction to one book consisting of single verse. Quibbles over who made the heavens and the earth - god or Donald - said to be holding up final draft
posted by firstdrop at 11:44 AM on February 8, 2017 [1 favorite]


Food Riots Intensify; Millions of Acres of Crops Spoil Unharvested
posted by mikepop at 12:19 PM on February 8, 2017 [1 favorite]


Clinton denied parole
posted by knapah at 3:43 PM on February 8, 2017


I'd put something about the population dropping by like, a lot after Obamacare was repealed, plus the nukes, plus the Purge, plus whatever else. Current population of the US is 321.42 million (2015), according to the Internet, if that helps.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:31 AM on February 9, 2017


TOUCHDOWN! BRADY SLIPS BY WARREN FOR UPSET SENATE WIN

FEDERAL FREE ASSEMBLY VOUCHER PROGRAM DEEMED HUGE SUCCESS

THREE STATES INITIATE MUSLIM REGISTRY, BUT WILL THEY BE SAFER?

BLACK LIVES MATTER TERROR CELL LEADER BROUGHT TO JUSTICE BY HERO CITIZEN

WAS THE COLLAPSE OF NATO INEVITABLE, OR COULD EURO STATES HAVE PAID THEIR FAIR SHARE?

KASPAROV MISSING, PRESUMED DEAD

'PEACE PATROLS' TO OVERFLY CANADIAN CITIES AFTER TRUDEAU INSULT

IRS: TRUMP TAX RETURNS SHOW NO CONFLICTS

SUPREME COURT DIVIDED ON 'TRUMP LOYALTY OATH'

SHOULD POLICE USE MORE FORCE? SOME ACTIVISTS DISAGREE

TRUMP: "WE'VE GOT TO GET COMPETITIVE" AS ALL US CITIZENS ARE GRANTED COLLEGE DEGREES

"TOUGH TRADEOFFS" AS SOME 'RYANCARE' FAMILIES MAX YEARLY INSURANCE ALLOTMENTS IN MAY, JUNE
posted by Kwine at 1:56 AM on February 10, 2017 [2 favorites]


I'd put something about the population dropping by like, a lot after Obamacare was repealed, plus the nukes, plus the Purge, plus whatever else. Current population of the US is 321.42 million (2015), according to the Internet, if that helps.

US POPULATION AT LOWEST SINCE 1970: "FEWER PEOPLE MEANS MORE WATER RATIONS PER CITIZEN" SAYS TRUMP
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:33 PM on February 20, 2017 [1 favorite]


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