Do I have to give up my life to take care of my mentally ill mother?
December 28, 2016 5:38 AM Subscribe
My mother is a 71 year old mentally ill alcoholic, she depends on my father for everything. My father is terminally ill with cancer and will probably die within the next few months. I'm worried that I'll have to give up everything in my life (and give up my future) to take care of her. Are there other options, or am I shit out of luck?
Last week I wrote this question about caregiving for my father, but now I have a question about my mother.
I'm in my late-20s and when I was about 12 my mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I'm really not sure if this was an accurate/good diagnosis, from what I understand schizophrenia is typically diagnosed when people are in their mid-20s. So, who knows if she's really schizophrenic, but that's what they said she had. She was hospitalized at least twice when I was growing up because of her mental health. She refused to take medication for it and it's been untreated ever since. She's also an alcoholic and the only place she'll go is to the local bar (which is within walking distance). She comes back home completely drunk off her ass.
Anyway, my father does everything for her. He cashes her pension checks, he pays all the bills, he gets the groceries, he shovels the snow, he does the house repairs, he does everything. My mother also has poor hygiene, she rarely changes her clothes, she hasn't been to the dentist in 10+ years (some of her teeth have even fallen out), I can't remember the last time she took a shower or washed her hair. She doesn't even know how to use a computer, so even paying her own bills online is out of the question.
I've been living at home to help take care of my dad and now I'm doing a lot of those errands, but I don't know what to do about my mother after he dies. Am I just expected to give everything up and live at home with her until she dies? We've tried to talk to her about moving into a retirement community or some sort of assisted living situation (which, I truly think she'd like), but she won't participate in the discussion. If you ask her how she'll live on her own and get groceries she'll just sit there stone faced and not say a goddamn word about it. I'm concerned that I can't move out because there's no possible way for her to take care of herself. If I moved out, who would pay her bills, or get her groceries or anything? She isn't willing to do any of these things herself.
I'm completely at a loss about what to do. Is there anyone we can turn to for help in this situation or for more guidance? My dad has tried getting a social worker to come out to our house, as that is one of the services the cancer centre he's getting treatment at offers, but nothing's really happening with that. So, I'm just completely confused. (I'm in Alberta, Canada).
Last week I wrote this question about caregiving for my father, but now I have a question about my mother.
I'm in my late-20s and when I was about 12 my mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I'm really not sure if this was an accurate/good diagnosis, from what I understand schizophrenia is typically diagnosed when people are in their mid-20s. So, who knows if she's really schizophrenic, but that's what they said she had. She was hospitalized at least twice when I was growing up because of her mental health. She refused to take medication for it and it's been untreated ever since. She's also an alcoholic and the only place she'll go is to the local bar (which is within walking distance). She comes back home completely drunk off her ass.
Anyway, my father does everything for her. He cashes her pension checks, he pays all the bills, he gets the groceries, he shovels the snow, he does the house repairs, he does everything. My mother also has poor hygiene, she rarely changes her clothes, she hasn't been to the dentist in 10+ years (some of her teeth have even fallen out), I can't remember the last time she took a shower or washed her hair. She doesn't even know how to use a computer, so even paying her own bills online is out of the question.
I've been living at home to help take care of my dad and now I'm doing a lot of those errands, but I don't know what to do about my mother after he dies. Am I just expected to give everything up and live at home with her until she dies? We've tried to talk to her about moving into a retirement community or some sort of assisted living situation (which, I truly think she'd like), but she won't participate in the discussion. If you ask her how she'll live on her own and get groceries she'll just sit there stone faced and not say a goddamn word about it. I'm concerned that I can't move out because there's no possible way for her to take care of herself. If I moved out, who would pay her bills, or get her groceries or anything? She isn't willing to do any of these things herself.
I'm completely at a loss about what to do. Is there anyone we can turn to for help in this situation or for more guidance? My dad has tried getting a social worker to come out to our house, as that is one of the services the cancer centre he's getting treatment at offers, but nothing's really happening with that. So, I'm just completely confused. (I'm in Alberta, Canada).
Does your dad by any chance have a life insurance policy that could pay for assisted living after he passes?
posted by shortyJBot at 6:23 AM on December 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by shortyJBot at 6:23 AM on December 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
First, to answer to your implicit question about whether you have to give up your life to care for your mother, I'd say without question the answer is NO. What you describe is far beyond ordinary caretaking. Your mother will live a far better, more healthful, happier life with professional assistance, and you will live a far better, happier, more productive life if you're not mired in resentment and guilt. Moreover from the sound of it your relationship will likely improve with some distance between you. At the very least it will be easier to be kind and caring with a room of your own some distance away.
Furthermore some of her issues are treatable, or at least can be addressed better by a professional (without question!) than you — or any family member ever could. Even doing your very best, you simply could not address all her issues yourself. The kindest thing to do is involve people who can. Keep repeating that to yourself, this is a very hard situation, so make that your mantra.
In terms of how to proceed: Even in the United States there are a lot of local/state/federal resources for coping with elderly issues. And you're in Canada, which has a considerably more humane system. That is lucky.
Basically, what you need to do first is gather a lot of information and advice from people who've dealt with these issues before, and then you need to formulate a plan. So focus on that: (1) gathering information and (2) formulating a plan. You will be doing this for everyone's benefit: your father's peace of mind, your sanity, and your mother's best interests and good health. Don't overwhelm yourself. Just gather information now, from an accountant, a lawyer, a social worker, and possibly also a (or her) doctor.
Start with the social worker. If getting one through your father is not possible, there is something called a case manager, who can be hired—or possibly brought in courtesy of the state? A case manager usually has a nursing or social work background, and then often specializes in care planning for the elderly. That kind of person would be well acquainted with your options, not to mention empathetic about the emotional burden of these kinds of decisions.
Relatively soon, you're also going to want to talk to an accountant because your father (if he has not already done so) should go over assets and wills and probably also trusts. You'll need to know how large the "estate" will be in the event of your father's death; how things are managed in the will; and how much of that will be necessary to go toward your mother's care and how much Canada, the city, the province, etc. will pick up. Again, the social worker can help with this, by giving you the a little sense of the lay of the land. Meanwhile, a lawyer is necessary to talk about what's legally possible, and even draw up legal documents. In the States, money in cases like this is often put into a trust, so an elderly infirm person will be given care that is paid for the state (rather than be bankrupt). I doubt this sort of obscenity exists in Canada, but you will want to find out about these matters too.
Your mother's doctor should be involved. If she doesn't have one, one should likely be found. Everyone's quality of life would be better if she were higher functioning. Medication is available in various European countries to reduce the desire to drink. They are not yet super available in the States, so I don't know about Canada but they exist — Naltrexone has been well-tested, though Baclofen (another option) not so much. Schizophrenia is also manageable to some degree with medication, but that I know less about. For sure, though, she could do better than she is, and in these cases it usually starts by treating the alcoholism first. A case manager/social worker could help advise about that as well.
Now, if your father isn't able or willing to go the distance to bring in a social worker, there must be some City or Provincial service (government or nonprofit) that could help. Do a little googling and see if you can get the process started without your father if he's not equipped to deal. Ideally, you would partner on this, but if he's unwell too, not to mention distraught, it may fall to you. Don't shirk from finding information. You don't need to make any decisions now. You just need to have a better understanding of what's possible. And while you're at it, take some time to find resources for yourself. I can't tell you how much my heart goes out to you. This is so, so hard. Get yourself a therapist and take care of your friendships. You need a support structure now. You won't be able to take care of anything else if you don't take care of yourself first. Right after you read this, please pat yourself on the back for being so grown up about it. I know people twice and thrice your age who would happily just stick their heads in the sand. You're doing a great job. Be ever so kind to yourself.
posted by Violet Blue at 6:39 AM on December 28, 2016 [42 favorites]
Furthermore some of her issues are treatable, or at least can be addressed better by a professional (without question!) than you — or any family member ever could. Even doing your very best, you simply could not address all her issues yourself. The kindest thing to do is involve people who can. Keep repeating that to yourself, this is a very hard situation, so make that your mantra.
In terms of how to proceed: Even in the United States there are a lot of local/state/federal resources for coping with elderly issues. And you're in Canada, which has a considerably more humane system. That is lucky.
Basically, what you need to do first is gather a lot of information and advice from people who've dealt with these issues before, and then you need to formulate a plan. So focus on that: (1) gathering information and (2) formulating a plan. You will be doing this for everyone's benefit: your father's peace of mind, your sanity, and your mother's best interests and good health. Don't overwhelm yourself. Just gather information now, from an accountant, a lawyer, a social worker, and possibly also a (or her) doctor.
Start with the social worker. If getting one through your father is not possible, there is something called a case manager, who can be hired—or possibly brought in courtesy of the state? A case manager usually has a nursing or social work background, and then often specializes in care planning for the elderly. That kind of person would be well acquainted with your options, not to mention empathetic about the emotional burden of these kinds of decisions.
Relatively soon, you're also going to want to talk to an accountant because your father (if he has not already done so) should go over assets and wills and probably also trusts. You'll need to know how large the "estate" will be in the event of your father's death; how things are managed in the will; and how much of that will be necessary to go toward your mother's care and how much Canada, the city, the province, etc. will pick up. Again, the social worker can help with this, by giving you the a little sense of the lay of the land. Meanwhile, a lawyer is necessary to talk about what's legally possible, and even draw up legal documents. In the States, money in cases like this is often put into a trust, so an elderly infirm person will be given care that is paid for the state (rather than be bankrupt). I doubt this sort of obscenity exists in Canada, but you will want to find out about these matters too.
Your mother's doctor should be involved. If she doesn't have one, one should likely be found. Everyone's quality of life would be better if she were higher functioning. Medication is available in various European countries to reduce the desire to drink. They are not yet super available in the States, so I don't know about Canada but they exist — Naltrexone has been well-tested, though Baclofen (another option) not so much. Schizophrenia is also manageable to some degree with medication, but that I know less about. For sure, though, she could do better than she is, and in these cases it usually starts by treating the alcoholism first. A case manager/social worker could help advise about that as well.
Now, if your father isn't able or willing to go the distance to bring in a social worker, there must be some City or Provincial service (government or nonprofit) that could help. Do a little googling and see if you can get the process started without your father if he's not equipped to deal. Ideally, you would partner on this, but if he's unwell too, not to mention distraught, it may fall to you. Don't shirk from finding information. You don't need to make any decisions now. You just need to have a better understanding of what's possible. And while you're at it, take some time to find resources for yourself. I can't tell you how much my heart goes out to you. This is so, so hard. Get yourself a therapist and take care of your friendships. You need a support structure now. You won't be able to take care of anything else if you don't take care of yourself first. Right after you read this, please pat yourself on the back for being so grown up about it. I know people twice and thrice your age who would happily just stick their heads in the sand. You're doing a great job. Be ever so kind to yourself.
posted by Violet Blue at 6:39 AM on December 28, 2016 [42 favorites]
p.s. If seeking out professionals is overwhelming and if your father is not equipt to help, apart from Google, a good librarian can often help direct you to lists of resources for free. Also in the States (sorry, my only reference point), an informational phone call to a lawyer and accountant — any of these professionals — is free. So don't be afraid to just start calling agencies, and asking about their resources, advice, and fees — as well as what they know about free resources if your budget is small.
posted by Violet Blue at 6:48 AM on December 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Violet Blue at 6:48 AM on December 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
Violet Blue provided a lot of good info and the only thing I would add is to find a lawyer that specializes in elder law in particular.
posted by AFABulous at 7:13 AM on December 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by AFABulous at 7:13 AM on December 28, 2016 [7 favorites]
As hard as it might be, think about talking to your dad about his will. If you have resources (if the house and whatever he has end up in only your name), you can do things (especially if he specifies that these are things he wants to happen) - sell the house, buy or rent a cheaper, lower-maintenance apartment for her, arrange for help, set up a bank account for her and automate bill payments - maybe two accounts, one for her expenses and one for spending money, rationed out by the day so she doesn't blow it all... by the sounds of it, she might not love those actions, but might not oppose them, either, if they were presented as faits accomplis? She'll sort of have to go along with it, if your dad's directed everything in his will. If he tells her, himself, now, that he'll take care of her this way, maybe she'll accept it a little more easily. Then, you could limit your in-person involvement to maybe a visit every week, to get her set up with groceries and laundry. (Because home care won't do that, usually, they'll just do light housekeeping, meds, maybe bathing if she physically can't do it herself, and is willing...)
Because the thing is that, I'm pretty sure, she's got to be willing to participate in the social services stuff. They can't force her to go along with it. And neither can you, unless she's found to be mentally incompetent. And unless she's very far gone, she's likely to pass the competency tests, even in her state of mind. (The questions are like, "what time/year is it", "count backwards in threes", "draw a clock"... And even if she couldn't get them perfectly right, participation in a capacity assessment has to be voluntary, anyway, without a court order from a judge. You'd have to apply for it, fight that battle... and then, separately, apply for guardianship - which is a binding legal responsibility - or ask for a third party to be appointed.) And if she got through an assessment like that, as any lawyer or social worker will tell you, she's got the right to make bad decisions. That's how some people end up on the street, even in Canada, with their right to make bad decisions, like refusing what help there is...
I honestly think the easiest and safest way through, for both of you, is for your dad to give you the resources to do what's best for your mom. (I really feel the ends justify the means, here.)
She might still decide to do something else, she might not go for it... in that case, maybe social services would help, if she let them... but it sounds like she will probably go along with things if they're just set up for her.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:36 AM on December 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Because the thing is that, I'm pretty sure, she's got to be willing to participate in the social services stuff. They can't force her to go along with it. And neither can you, unless she's found to be mentally incompetent. And unless she's very far gone, she's likely to pass the competency tests, even in her state of mind. (The questions are like, "what time/year is it", "count backwards in threes", "draw a clock"... And even if she couldn't get them perfectly right, participation in a capacity assessment has to be voluntary, anyway, without a court order from a judge. You'd have to apply for it, fight that battle... and then, separately, apply for guardianship - which is a binding legal responsibility - or ask for a third party to be appointed.) And if she got through an assessment like that, as any lawyer or social worker will tell you, she's got the right to make bad decisions. That's how some people end up on the street, even in Canada, with their right to make bad decisions, like refusing what help there is...
I honestly think the easiest and safest way through, for both of you, is for your dad to give you the resources to do what's best for your mom. (I really feel the ends justify the means, here.)
She might still decide to do something else, she might not go for it... in that case, maybe social services would help, if she let them... but it sounds like she will probably go along with things if they're just set up for her.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:36 AM on December 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
(You'd have to apply for power of attorney, which is of course a responsibility but is a lighter touch than guardianship, to process her pension checks and administer her bank accounts. With PoA, you're not supposed to go against the intentions of the person on whose behalf you're acting, but your mom would have to go through the process of opposing it... maybe she wouldn't? Would try to get that done now, if at all possible, with your dad's help. Talk to an attorney about all this, in any case.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:41 AM on December 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:41 AM on December 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't have the answer you're looking for. But I can help by pointing out faulty logic.
You can't "give up your future". You haven't the foggiest notion what that future might be in either event. One choice might require resetting some fantasies that you've got brewed up in your head, but fantasies generally fail to materialize. Happiness-oriented people jubilantly make lemonade no matter what, while unhappiness-oriented people can turn even vast fame/fortune (or whatever fantasized outcome) into an utter downer. It's not about the dramatic plot line, it's about perspective. Life is lived in the rich immediacy, not in some cartoonish narrative in our heads.
Rich opportunity awaits at every juncture of every decision tree. Any choice we make, no matter how bright or disappointing, can yield a jackpot or a dud. So it's clearly not about the choice, it's the chooser. It's you, playing the cards you're dealt - every sort of hand - with delight and exuberance.
I'll also offer this. If helping your mom truly struck you as a ghastly prison sentence, you wouldn't be ambivalent. You wouldn't be posting here. It'd be a fairly quick decision: institutionalization. So something's drawing you. Examine the grounds of your resistance. If the perspective adjustment I've suggested changes the strength or tenor of that resistance, then you'll be able to more clearly decide.
posted by Quisp Lover at 8:55 AM on December 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
You can't "give up your future". You haven't the foggiest notion what that future might be in either event. One choice might require resetting some fantasies that you've got brewed up in your head, but fantasies generally fail to materialize. Happiness-oriented people jubilantly make lemonade no matter what, while unhappiness-oriented people can turn even vast fame/fortune (or whatever fantasized outcome) into an utter downer. It's not about the dramatic plot line, it's about perspective. Life is lived in the rich immediacy, not in some cartoonish narrative in our heads.
Rich opportunity awaits at every juncture of every decision tree. Any choice we make, no matter how bright or disappointing, can yield a jackpot or a dud. So it's clearly not about the choice, it's the chooser. It's you, playing the cards you're dealt - every sort of hand - with delight and exuberance.
I'll also offer this. If helping your mom truly struck you as a ghastly prison sentence, you wouldn't be ambivalent. You wouldn't be posting here. It'd be a fairly quick decision: institutionalization. So something's drawing you. Examine the grounds of your resistance. If the perspective adjustment I've suggested changes the strength or tenor of that resistance, then you'll be able to more clearly decide.
posted by Quisp Lover at 8:55 AM on December 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Your mother's doctor should be involved. If she doesn't have one, one should likely be found. Everyone's quality of life would be better if she were higher functioning. Medication is available in various European countries to reduce the desire to drink. They are not yet super available in the States, so I don't know about Canada but they exist — Naltrexone has been well-tested, though Baclofen (another option) not so much. Schizophrenia is also manageable to some degree with medication, but that I know less about. For sure, though, she could do better than she is, and in these cases it usually starts by treating the alcoholism first. A case manager/social worker could help advise about that as well.
All that sounds great, but OP's mom has been offered meds and doesn't want them. She wants to drink.
OP, it's so hard, it's so painful, but I think a major part of this will need to involve accepting that your mom will probably never live in the way you'd like her to live. Your dad's been trying, all these years, and what you're seeing is basically it. She's 71. Things aren't going to change that much for her, realistically. (Your moving in with her almost certainly won't change anything.)
What she needs, in an absolute sense, and what you can maybe arrange for her (if you have the resources), is shelter and food. You don't have to live with her to do that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:04 AM on December 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
All that sounds great, but OP's mom has been offered meds and doesn't want them. She wants to drink.
OP, it's so hard, it's so painful, but I think a major part of this will need to involve accepting that your mom will probably never live in the way you'd like her to live. Your dad's been trying, all these years, and what you're seeing is basically it. She's 71. Things aren't going to change that much for her, realistically. (Your moving in with her almost certainly won't change anything.)
What she needs, in an absolute sense, and what you can maybe arrange for her (if you have the resources), is shelter and food. You don't have to live with her to do that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:04 AM on December 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
One choice might require resetting some fantasies that you've got brewed up in your head, but fantasies generally fail to materialize. Happiness-oriented people jubilantly make lemonade no matter what...
Rich opportunity awaits at every juncture of every decision tree. Any choice we make, no matter how bright or disappointing, can yield a jackpot or a dud. So it's clearly not about the choice, it's the chooser. It's you, playing the cards you're dealt - every sort of hand - with delight and exuberance.
I'll also offer this. If helping your mom truly struck you as a ghastly prison sentence, you wouldn't be ambivalent. You wouldn't be posting here. It'd be a fairly quick decision: institutionalization. So something's drawing you. Examine the grounds of your resistance.
I completely disagree. People do a lot of things out of misplaced guilt, and there is an enormous amount of guilt placed on women in particular to sacrifice their own needs for those of others. And then to act happy about it lest they be viewed as "negative" or "downers."
OP, you do not have to live with your mother. You can try to set her up with services via the suggestions offered here, but you don't need to actually provide those services. Speak to the social worker at the hospital yourself, explain the situation, and then be sure to tell them you absolutely will not be living with your mother after your father passes.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:58 AM on December 28, 2016 [42 favorites]
Rich opportunity awaits at every juncture of every decision tree. Any choice we make, no matter how bright or disappointing, can yield a jackpot or a dud. So it's clearly not about the choice, it's the chooser. It's you, playing the cards you're dealt - every sort of hand - with delight and exuberance.
I'll also offer this. If helping your mom truly struck you as a ghastly prison sentence, you wouldn't be ambivalent. You wouldn't be posting here. It'd be a fairly quick decision: institutionalization. So something's drawing you. Examine the grounds of your resistance.
I completely disagree. People do a lot of things out of misplaced guilt, and there is an enormous amount of guilt placed on women in particular to sacrifice their own needs for those of others. And then to act happy about it lest they be viewed as "negative" or "downers."
OP, you do not have to live with your mother. You can try to set her up with services via the suggestions offered here, but you don't need to actually provide those services. Speak to the social worker at the hospital yourself, explain the situation, and then be sure to tell them you absolutely will not be living with your mother after your father passes.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:58 AM on December 28, 2016 [42 favorites]
I'm truly sorry for your father's illness, and for your mother's multiple issues. It can be very difficult to grow up with. A lot of children of alcoholics feel overly responsible for their parents, and for everyone else around them. You know what you grew up with.
I had a difficult family growing up, and have a difficult relationship with my mother now. I find it very helpful to remind myself this:
I don't have to do anything for my family. There is no law dictating how often I must call or visit, or how much abuse I need to take. I could never call or visit again. I don't plan to cut all contact, but remembering this reframes decisions from "what do I have to do?" to "what do I want to do?"
From what you describe, it sounds like some professional care would be a great idea for her health, and for your sanity.
Good luck.
posted by Cranialtorque at 10:34 AM on December 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
I had a difficult family growing up, and have a difficult relationship with my mother now. I find it very helpful to remind myself this:
I don't have to do anything for my family. There is no law dictating how often I must call or visit, or how much abuse I need to take. I could never call or visit again. I don't plan to cut all contact, but remembering this reframes decisions from "what do I have to do?" to "what do I want to do?"
From what you describe, it sounds like some professional care would be a great idea for her health, and for your sanity.
Good luck.
posted by Cranialtorque at 10:34 AM on December 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
OK, so now I've gone back and read your other question about the officious doctor and nurse who judged you for not wanting to quit your job and do palliative care. And yup, I see you are a daughter. Thought as much.
The gendered expectations around caregiving are enormously unfair. You are not a bad person for wanting to have your own life and arrange for professionals to care for your parents. You are smart, actually: as you say, you're not a health professional so you will actually be more helpful to your parents in other ways if you're not emotionally and financially drained from day to day care.
I will tell you this: doctors who pontificate about how family members should step up to provide 24/7 care generally don't have a stellar track record for doing it themselves, and you can ignore them.
I'm really sorry you are going through this, and want to reassure you that you are not selfish and in fact sound like you care a lot for your parents' wellbeing. It's perfectly OK for you to care about your own wellbeing too.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:26 AM on December 28, 2016 [19 favorites]
The gendered expectations around caregiving are enormously unfair. You are not a bad person for wanting to have your own life and arrange for professionals to care for your parents. You are smart, actually: as you say, you're not a health professional so you will actually be more helpful to your parents in other ways if you're not emotionally and financially drained from day to day care.
I will tell you this: doctors who pontificate about how family members should step up to provide 24/7 care generally don't have a stellar track record for doing it themselves, and you can ignore them.
I'm really sorry you are going through this, and want to reassure you that you are not selfish and in fact sound like you care a lot for your parents' wellbeing. It's perfectly OK for you to care about your own wellbeing too.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:26 AM on December 28, 2016 [19 favorites]
Chiming in here because no one has brought up that your mother hasn't actually asked for your help. Which is great, because it gives you some breathing room to decide exactly how much help you want to give if any, should she decide to ask.
She is probably banking on you just enabling her, like your father has. But enabling alcoholics doesn't go well for anyone. It sounds like she would like to continue to live her life, which involves not paying bills, drinking at the local bar, and neglecting her personal hygiene and health. Those are her choices. They sound like stupid shitty choices to you and me, but she is an adult and she is allowed to make them, and live with the consequences. You are not the cause of her doing those things; she will do them with your support or without it.
If it helps, I frame my own detachment with love as "You are a human being who deserves respect, and I respect you enough to not interfere as you make your own decisions." It was a hard road from "You don't deserve my help and respect because you've squandered our relationship on whiskey" but I got there when I was able to accept that other people's drinking wasn't something I could control with my care or lack thereof. Because ultimately, that's where it came from, you know? I wanted to control other peoples' behavior by offering or withholding care based on their willingness to do what I wanted them to do. YMMV.
If that resonates with you, feel free to MeMail me to chat more. I've been there.
posted by juniperesque at 11:49 AM on December 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
She is probably banking on you just enabling her, like your father has. But enabling alcoholics doesn't go well for anyone. It sounds like she would like to continue to live her life, which involves not paying bills, drinking at the local bar, and neglecting her personal hygiene and health. Those are her choices. They sound like stupid shitty choices to you and me, but she is an adult and she is allowed to make them, and live with the consequences. You are not the cause of her doing those things; she will do them with your support or without it.
If it helps, I frame my own detachment with love as "You are a human being who deserves respect, and I respect you enough to not interfere as you make your own decisions." It was a hard road from "You don't deserve my help and respect because you've squandered our relationship on whiskey" but I got there when I was able to accept that other people's drinking wasn't something I could control with my care or lack thereof. Because ultimately, that's where it came from, you know? I wanted to control other peoples' behavior by offering or withholding care based on their willingness to do what I wanted them to do. YMMV.
If that resonates with you, feel free to MeMail me to chat more. I've been there.
posted by juniperesque at 11:49 AM on December 28, 2016 [9 favorites]
Your childhood was undoubtedly heavily impacted by having a parent with severe and untreated mental illness coupled with major addiction issues. You managed to get out and are functioning and looking to build your own life. You are in no way obligated to destroy your future to act as a caretaker for someone who is not interested in allowing themselves to be subject to treatment or any decision making about their basic needs. Your father chose to devote himself to her care, but that was his choice. You are not obligated to martyr yourself to do the same.
You got some great advice about how to pursue getting your mother connected to the healthcare and social services that are available. That, coupled with getting legal issues clarified is where you should concentrate your efforts.
Women, especially, are generally expected to sacrifice themselves endlessly for others. You've already seen this with how your father's healthcare team is trying to shame you. Please don't feel obligated to sacrifice your life for your mother's care. You have the right to have your own life and determine your own future. If you find yourself having trouble seeing that you deserve a life that isn't built around sacrificing yourself for your mother's care, please seek out therapy and support groups for people with addicted and mentally ill family members. Get your mother's care options set-up and clarified and then put her care in the hands of professionals whose job it is to do this. If your mother chooses not to take these options, you are NOT obligated to do anything else.
posted by quince at 1:09 PM on December 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
You got some great advice about how to pursue getting your mother connected to the healthcare and social services that are available. That, coupled with getting legal issues clarified is where you should concentrate your efforts.
Women, especially, are generally expected to sacrifice themselves endlessly for others. You've already seen this with how your father's healthcare team is trying to shame you. Please don't feel obligated to sacrifice your life for your mother's care. You have the right to have your own life and determine your own future. If you find yourself having trouble seeing that you deserve a life that isn't built around sacrificing yourself for your mother's care, please seek out therapy and support groups for people with addicted and mentally ill family members. Get your mother's care options set-up and clarified and then put her care in the hands of professionals whose job it is to do this. If your mother chooses not to take these options, you are NOT obligated to do anything else.
posted by quince at 1:09 PM on December 28, 2016 [10 favorites]
Please take a dip into the Emotional Labor thread before you start to feel guilty about not exuberantly making lemonade out of the bucket of horse piss you've been handed. No. You do not have to give up your life. This is a horrible situation, and I'm sorry you're in it. You're allowed to put your own needs first; it's what a good parent would want for you.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:04 PM on December 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:04 PM on December 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
Get a lawyer and ask about a third party as executor of your father's estate and as sponsor of your mother's guardianship / power of attorney. The money situation can get ugly and you do not want to be in a wrangle with your mother about it.
I acted as executor after my father died, and it was a year of low-level stress getting things sorted out. He acted as executor for Mom four years previously, for which I am eternally grateful.
You do not need the years of constant battle with someone who thinks you are not to boss of her. There is a world of problems that a person can bring down upon herself who is still legally considered competent. If you are legally and financially responsible for her, are you up to advocating for her when you disagree with her judgement?
If another relative will not step up, get a legal proxy who can manage her affairs. It may still be a mess, but it won't be your mess, either morally or legally.
You are not a doctor. You are not a home health aide. You are not a lawyer. You are a daughter, and that is all you need to be. No one should be asking more than that from you, including yourself, because being "a daughter" is your unique place in this situation. Be good to yourself.
posted by TrishaU at 3:31 PM on December 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I acted as executor after my father died, and it was a year of low-level stress getting things sorted out. He acted as executor for Mom four years previously, for which I am eternally grateful.
You do not need the years of constant battle with someone who thinks you are not to boss of her. There is a world of problems that a person can bring down upon herself who is still legally considered competent. If you are legally and financially responsible for her, are you up to advocating for her when you disagree with her judgement?
If another relative will not step up, get a legal proxy who can manage her affairs. It may still be a mess, but it won't be your mess, either morally or legally.
You are not a doctor. You are not a home health aide. You are not a lawyer. You are a daughter, and that is all you need to be. No one should be asking more than that from you, including yourself, because being "a daughter" is your unique place in this situation. Be good to yourself.
posted by TrishaU at 3:31 PM on December 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
If you were a son, with your own family, no one would expect you to give up your life to care for your father or mother. You deserve to have a chance at a life you want.
posted by flimflam at 4:05 PM on December 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by flimflam at 4:05 PM on December 28, 2016 [6 favorites]
To clarify my answer, which seems to have confused and upset some...
Did you ever have your hopes and dreams squashed? If so, was life lost? Are you a wraith? Or are you still you, still living the process of life, same as ever?
Did you ever have your hopes and dreams come true? If so, did you win "life"? Do you pee and brush your teeth triumphantly? Or are you still you, still living the process of life, same as ever?
I've experienced both, to extreme extremes. I know whereof I speak when I assure you that life is lived, not won or lost. The developments in your dramatic narrative will surprise you even if you cling tenaciously to Your Goals, but it's always the same old you doing the living the whole way.
You can't lose and you can't win, you can only live, and happiness is a question of perspective, with nothing to do with the external drama. We live in the wealthiest, safest, and most comfortable society in human history - we are winners! - yet most people are highly discontent. That's convincing evidence re: my point that it's all about perspective rather than external results.
The whole trope of "giving up your life" or "giving up your future" is sheer dramatic hoo-haw. Life is not experienced in events and achievements, it's experienced in the experiencing, and that never stops...you'll always be the very same experiencer of life's ups and downs. And your future isn't yours to give up, since it was never in your control anyway. Your future will surprise you, regardless of your choices, and you can find delight in those surprises or misery....at your discretion.
Finally, helping other people is not capitulation to paternalist stereotypes, nor is selfishness a feminist ideal. Helping other people is nice. You can't help everyone in every way all the time, so there's no one right answer here), but "helping = losing" strikes me an incredibly sad perspective.
I spend most of my time helping. I "gave up my future for it." And I've never been happier. My life's still right here. Here I am, same me as ever....and my future continues to unfold in surprising ways. It was all surprising. I never lost, and I never won, in spite of seeming triumphant and agonizing outcomes (multiple times for both). I'm still the exact same awareness peering out of my eyes as when I was a tiny toddler. Unchanged! The changes of life have occurred around me, not TO me.
It is extraordinarily unburdening to recognize this. And it makes all decisions - even tough ones like this - more win/win. Whatever you choose, your perspective will make life a delight or a horror. Both comedy and tragedy will continue, unabated, come what may. You can enjoy, or you can resist, tighten, and declare your life ruined when your ducks get out of a row; when you hope for the lady and get the tiger.
posted by Quisp Lover at 4:32 PM on December 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Did you ever have your hopes and dreams squashed? If so, was life lost? Are you a wraith? Or are you still you, still living the process of life, same as ever?
Did you ever have your hopes and dreams come true? If so, did you win "life"? Do you pee and brush your teeth triumphantly? Or are you still you, still living the process of life, same as ever?
I've experienced both, to extreme extremes. I know whereof I speak when I assure you that life is lived, not won or lost. The developments in your dramatic narrative will surprise you even if you cling tenaciously to Your Goals, but it's always the same old you doing the living the whole way.
You can't lose and you can't win, you can only live, and happiness is a question of perspective, with nothing to do with the external drama. We live in the wealthiest, safest, and most comfortable society in human history - we are winners! - yet most people are highly discontent. That's convincing evidence re: my point that it's all about perspective rather than external results.
The whole trope of "giving up your life" or "giving up your future" is sheer dramatic hoo-haw. Life is not experienced in events and achievements, it's experienced in the experiencing, and that never stops...you'll always be the very same experiencer of life's ups and downs. And your future isn't yours to give up, since it was never in your control anyway. Your future will surprise you, regardless of your choices, and you can find delight in those surprises or misery....at your discretion.
Finally, helping other people is not capitulation to paternalist stereotypes, nor is selfishness a feminist ideal. Helping other people is nice. You can't help everyone in every way all the time, so there's no one right answer here), but "helping = losing" strikes me an incredibly sad perspective.
I spend most of my time helping. I "gave up my future for it." And I've never been happier. My life's still right here. Here I am, same me as ever....and my future continues to unfold in surprising ways. It was all surprising. I never lost, and I never won, in spite of seeming triumphant and agonizing outcomes (multiple times for both). I'm still the exact same awareness peering out of my eyes as when I was a tiny toddler. Unchanged! The changes of life have occurred around me, not TO me.
It is extraordinarily unburdening to recognize this. And it makes all decisions - even tough ones like this - more win/win. Whatever you choose, your perspective will make life a delight or a horror. Both comedy and tragedy will continue, unabated, come what may. You can enjoy, or you can resist, tighten, and declare your life ruined when your ducks get out of a row; when you hope for the lady and get the tiger.
posted by Quisp Lover at 4:32 PM on December 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
It seems pretty clear that she needs to live in a supportive environment, not at home.
In my state in the U.S., if a person cannot make her own medical decisions and treatment decisions, including where she should live, as a result of mental illness documented by a physician’s examination and opinion, and if other essential findings are made, a guardian can be appointed to make those decisions for her. The right of self-determination is essentially taken from her and vested in another person.
if a person cannot make her own medical decisions and treatment decisions, including where she should live, as a result of her abuse of alcohol, the courts will normally not make that appointment. Self-destructive people do have the right to self-destruct.
If both alcoholism and documented mental illness are involved, then it is a mixed bag.
In any case, in addition to good suggestions made above, consultation with a qualified lawyer / solicitor to determine whether and how to proceed is essential.
posted by yclipse at 5:29 PM on December 28, 2016
In my state in the U.S., if a person cannot make her own medical decisions and treatment decisions, including where she should live, as a result of mental illness documented by a physician’s examination and opinion, and if other essential findings are made, a guardian can be appointed to make those decisions for her. The right of self-determination is essentially taken from her and vested in another person.
if a person cannot make her own medical decisions and treatment decisions, including where she should live, as a result of her abuse of alcohol, the courts will normally not make that appointment. Self-destructive people do have the right to self-destruct.
If both alcoholism and documented mental illness are involved, then it is a mixed bag.
In any case, in addition to good suggestions made above, consultation with a qualified lawyer / solicitor to determine whether and how to proceed is essential.
posted by yclipse at 5:29 PM on December 28, 2016
My dad has tried getting a social worker to come out to our house, as that is one of the services the cancer centre he's getting treatment at offers, but nothing's really happening with that.
Can you clarify here? A social worker seems like what you need. Why hasn't one come? What's the blockage? Figure that out, and then get the social worker in question to help you figure out the rest of your options.
posted by nat at 5:58 PM on December 28, 2016
Can you clarify here? A social worker seems like what you need. Why hasn't one come? What's the blockage? Figure that out, and then get the social worker in question to help you figure out the rest of your options.
posted by nat at 5:58 PM on December 28, 2016
OP, please know every AskMe about family has at least one responder who trots out the tedious platitude that it's our duty to immolate ourselves on the altar of family. It's hogwash.
You have the right to live your own life. Your mother did. She made her own choices. You are not responsible for her choices.
posted by winna at 6:36 PM on December 28, 2016 [20 favorites]
You have the right to live your own life. Your mother did. She made her own choices. You are not responsible for her choices.
posted by winna at 6:36 PM on December 28, 2016 [20 favorites]
The whole trope of "giving up your life" or "giving up your future" is sheer dramatic hoo-haw.
It's really not. Caring for and living with someone - a parent - with untreated illnesses is objectively difficult. It takes time, above all. It's draining on every level. People in midlife usually aren't even prepared for it, never mind someone in her twenties who ought to be building her career, seeing friends, dating.
I mean. Things don't always turn out the way you hope they will. There isn't really any justice. Most of us have some burden or other. But if there's a fair and compassionate (for everyone) way around carrying that burden all on your own, there is no reason not to take it. There is nothing wrong with taking it.
There is a middle ground between devoting your life to your mom and leaving her to fall through the cracks. (Which can happen. Even in Canada. Because, unless she's found to lack competence under a narrow legal definition, left to her own devices, she can absolutely end up not paying bills and on the street. I don't think the law is fully equipped to capture the reality of mental illness, and social services can't always help people who don't play by the rules. And people with untreated mental illness, who are in that grey area, often don't. If she does, she might, if she's lucky and stays in contact with a good caseworker, end up with subsidized housing. Which might be fine, except there's a waitlist, guaranteed [3-5 years in most places in ON, though I know it's a bit shorter in most places in AB] - and again, she'd have to play by the rules (i.e. remember to check in at certain times, follow processes, etc) to ensure she got a spot, whenever one opened up.)
As far as teaching her a lesson... I mean. No one's going to teach her anything at this point. At 71, with schizophrenia and alcohol addiction, she is not going to all of a sudden learn how to deal with life when she hasn't been able to, ever. She's not a well person. Her illness is preventing her from getting well... that's the horror (for family) and frustration of it. The law protects her autonomy, because it is precious and because this kind of illness is just so thorny.
She does probably need some kind of support. The thing is that it all depends on 1) her agreeing to take it and 2) money. Supportive living is funded by the family (or the person requiring it). It's not too bad in AB if the average is $2800/month; here in Ontario, it can run to $5,000+/month, easily. (I know a few families for whom it has been more feasible to pay for a small apartment and the services of a private caregiver with the proceeds of a house sale.)
There are options, to be sure - a lawyer, and that social worker can help you think through them. (I do think it would be very helpful if the lawyer (maybe, if at all possible, with the help of your dad) could discuss a POA with your mom. It would make things easier later, even in the case of a third party guardian coming into the picture, if that didn't happen now.)
If that social worker doesn't get back to you after you try to get in touch with them again, try e.g. this if in Edmonton, or comparable services wherever you are - 211 should get you somewhere.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:58 PM on December 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
It's really not. Caring for and living with someone - a parent - with untreated illnesses is objectively difficult. It takes time, above all. It's draining on every level. People in midlife usually aren't even prepared for it, never mind someone in her twenties who ought to be building her career, seeing friends, dating.
I mean. Things don't always turn out the way you hope they will. There isn't really any justice. Most of us have some burden or other. But if there's a fair and compassionate (for everyone) way around carrying that burden all on your own, there is no reason not to take it. There is nothing wrong with taking it.
There is a middle ground between devoting your life to your mom and leaving her to fall through the cracks. (Which can happen. Even in Canada. Because, unless she's found to lack competence under a narrow legal definition, left to her own devices, she can absolutely end up not paying bills and on the street. I don't think the law is fully equipped to capture the reality of mental illness, and social services can't always help people who don't play by the rules. And people with untreated mental illness, who are in that grey area, often don't. If she does, she might, if she's lucky and stays in contact with a good caseworker, end up with subsidized housing. Which might be fine, except there's a waitlist, guaranteed [3-5 years in most places in ON, though I know it's a bit shorter in most places in AB] - and again, she'd have to play by the rules (i.e. remember to check in at certain times, follow processes, etc) to ensure she got a spot, whenever one opened up.)
As far as teaching her a lesson... I mean. No one's going to teach her anything at this point. At 71, with schizophrenia and alcohol addiction, she is not going to all of a sudden learn how to deal with life when she hasn't been able to, ever. She's not a well person. Her illness is preventing her from getting well... that's the horror (for family) and frustration of it. The law protects her autonomy, because it is precious and because this kind of illness is just so thorny.
She does probably need some kind of support. The thing is that it all depends on 1) her agreeing to take it and 2) money. Supportive living is funded by the family (or the person requiring it). It's not too bad in AB if the average is $2800/month; here in Ontario, it can run to $5,000+/month, easily. (I know a few families for whom it has been more feasible to pay for a small apartment and the services of a private caregiver with the proceeds of a house sale.)
There are options, to be sure - a lawyer, and that social worker can help you think through them. (I do think it would be very helpful if the lawyer (maybe, if at all possible, with the help of your dad) could discuss a POA with your mom. It would make things easier later, even in the case of a third party guardian coming into the picture, if that didn't happen now.)
If that social worker doesn't get back to you after you try to get in touch with them again, try e.g. this if in Edmonton, or comparable services wherever you are - 211 should get you somewhere.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:58 PM on December 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
happiness is a question of perspective, with nothing to do with the external drama.
yeah, I hear everything is for the best in this best of all possible worlds, too. As a message to a woman whose father is dying, this lacks a certain something. The capacity to be made unhappy by the impending death of one parent and irreversible decline of another is a sign of humanity and conscience and a willingness to be painfully involved in the suffering of others, even when those others are not themselves very responsible. Being unaffected by tragedy and unmoved by life is nothing to aspire to or brag about.
OP -- The drinking, self-neglect, and uncooperative attitude are not things you can help her with, even if you did stay with her, which I do not recommend. Food deliveries can be arranged; a cleaner to come in every couple days to take away garbage and make sure she's mobile and lucid and the heat is on can be arranged. In your place I would be scared to do this if I thought she couldn't be trusted to eat without being reminded, even if food was there. but if that's a realistic fear, she's badly enough off to be declared incompetent.
I am one of those who think you have to care for the dying if you can. I spent a year like that (Grey Gardens but with more screaming, is the short version -- I know what it's like). but this is different. you can't go live with her as a surrogate husband for the rest of her life. Take the practical advice above about wills and estates, but I would wait until your father has passed and talk to her again, because she might be in a very different mental state at that point and after that shock. Arranging everything to get her into assisted living is a good and kind offer. (I would not be above a little bullying at that point; tell her you're taking her silence as a Yes if she still won't talk.) If she says no and insists she can manage by herself, let her try. If she fails and you can get medical authorities to override her consent, do that. If that fails, anything that happens is not going to be your fault.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:57 PM on December 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
yeah, I hear everything is for the best in this best of all possible worlds, too. As a message to a woman whose father is dying, this lacks a certain something. The capacity to be made unhappy by the impending death of one parent and irreversible decline of another is a sign of humanity and conscience and a willingness to be painfully involved in the suffering of others, even when those others are not themselves very responsible. Being unaffected by tragedy and unmoved by life is nothing to aspire to or brag about.
OP -- The drinking, self-neglect, and uncooperative attitude are not things you can help her with, even if you did stay with her, which I do not recommend. Food deliveries can be arranged; a cleaner to come in every couple days to take away garbage and make sure she's mobile and lucid and the heat is on can be arranged. In your place I would be scared to do this if I thought she couldn't be trusted to eat without being reminded, even if food was there. but if that's a realistic fear, she's badly enough off to be declared incompetent.
I am one of those who think you have to care for the dying if you can. I spent a year like that (Grey Gardens but with more screaming, is the short version -- I know what it's like). but this is different. you can't go live with her as a surrogate husband for the rest of her life. Take the practical advice above about wills and estates, but I would wait until your father has passed and talk to her again, because she might be in a very different mental state at that point and after that shock. Arranging everything to get her into assisted living is a good and kind offer. (I would not be above a little bullying at that point; tell her you're taking her silence as a Yes if she still won't talk.) If she says no and insists she can manage by herself, let her try. If she fails and you can get medical authorities to override her consent, do that. If that fails, anything that happens is not going to be your fault.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:57 PM on December 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
Of course you have the "right to live your own life" and I'm assuming that your mother would not want you taking care of her out of guilt—just as I'm assuming that you wouldn't want those caring for you to be driven by guilt when you need help.
At the same time, I want to reiterate Quisp Lover's words: ...helping other people is not capitulation to paternalist stereotypes, nor is selfishness a feminist ideal. Helping other people is nice. You can't help everyone in every way all the time, so there's no one right answer here), but "helping = losing" strikes me an incredibly sad perspective.
posted by she's not there at 9:00 PM on December 28, 2016
At the same time, I want to reiterate Quisp Lover's words: ...helping other people is not capitulation to paternalist stereotypes, nor is selfishness a feminist ideal. Helping other people is nice. You can't help everyone in every way all the time, so there's no one right answer here), but "helping = losing" strikes me an incredibly sad perspective.
posted by she's not there at 9:00 PM on December 28, 2016
I'm assuming that your mother would not want you taking care of her out of guilt—just as I'm assuming that you wouldn't want those caring for you to be driven by guilt when you need help.
This is, with respect, a really sketchy assumption. Dying and just extremely unwell people get very scared and may find it in themselves to ask and even beg for all sorts of things they thought they never would. They can get to a point where they cannot think outside their own experience and sensation, because morality wins out over suffering sometimes but not always.
What this is, is a socially sanctioned way of guilting the needy: a good mother wouldn't want her child to suffer for her sake; a good invalid wouldn't want to be a burden or to accept help offered from any but the purest of motives, she'd rather do without. but when you are out of your mind or in extreme pain and fear you do all sorts of things that good people, maybe, shouldn't do. And this is not to even consider what people do when maybe they weren't good people to begin with, or weren't the best of mothers all along. Or when they could be helped by any of a huge number of people but refuse to accept help from anyone except their daughter.
Sad perspectives are appropriate to sad circumstances, such as for example when you are required to do all of your mother's duties in caring for her dying husband. She isn't just "helping" in the way that we all have to help our parents in the end, if they were decent to us; she's doing her other parent's job: she's forced to do for her father what her mother should be doing, and she's looking at having to do for her mother what her father always did. When you go through this kind of special hell, you earn one tiny compensation, which is that you do not have to accept any lectures about how bad your attitude is about it all.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:15 PM on December 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
This is, with respect, a really sketchy assumption. Dying and just extremely unwell people get very scared and may find it in themselves to ask and even beg for all sorts of things they thought they never would. They can get to a point where they cannot think outside their own experience and sensation, because morality wins out over suffering sometimes but not always.
What this is, is a socially sanctioned way of guilting the needy: a good mother wouldn't want her child to suffer for her sake; a good invalid wouldn't want to be a burden or to accept help offered from any but the purest of motives, she'd rather do without. but when you are out of your mind or in extreme pain and fear you do all sorts of things that good people, maybe, shouldn't do. And this is not to even consider what people do when maybe they weren't good people to begin with, or weren't the best of mothers all along. Or when they could be helped by any of a huge number of people but refuse to accept help from anyone except their daughter.
Sad perspectives are appropriate to sad circumstances, such as for example when you are required to do all of your mother's duties in caring for her dying husband. She isn't just "helping" in the way that we all have to help our parents in the end, if they were decent to us; she's doing her other parent's job: she's forced to do for her father what her mother should be doing, and she's looking at having to do for her mother what her father always did. When you go through this kind of special hell, you earn one tiny compensation, which is that you do not have to accept any lectures about how bad your attitude is about it all.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:15 PM on December 28, 2016 [8 favorites]
Am I just expected to give everything up and live at home with her until she dies? ... If I moved out, who would pay her bills, or get her groceries or anything? She isn't willing to do any of these things herself.
Dear OP, I have been going to Al-Anon meetings for a few years now. I've learned a couple of things that may shock you, because they shocked me. 1. You didn't ask to be born and you are not actually obligated to care for your alcoholic and mentally ill mother. I'm pretty sure she would prefer to be healthy and not alcoholic. But she is and while that sucks for both of you and her, especially, that doesn't mean you have to care for her. 2. Your greatest responsibility is to yourself. So figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself and work on some loving detachment around your mom.
My dry drunk dad, whom I will visit shortly, wants to live with me. He doesn't get to live with me because that would make my life hell. And it's not my fault that he made the kind of choices that means none of his wives stuck around to do that gendered caretaking thing now that he's hit his 80s. I love my dad and so I do what I can, such as arranging for hospice home care and visiting when I can. I call him daily. Several folks think I'm a terrible daughter because I won't force him into an institution (because he doesn't want to move out of his home if he can't live with me) and because I won't let him live with me. That's okay, I don't need their approval.
You've been dealing with terrible shit from a really young age. If you don't want to replace your dad in your mom's life, you have this Internet stranger's approval to refuse. Don't make any promises to your mom. Don't give up your life if you don't want to. Do check out Al-Anon wherever you happen to be and do reach out to a social worker yourself to see what's available. And be honest. I've told the social worker(s) and the adult protection investigator (who decided my dad was fine on his own) that my dad was never going to live with me.
If you don't want to do it, don't do it. Simply explain to everyone, including those folks who are entirely willing to shame daughters into caretaking, that you are unavailable to care for your mother and need help figuring out how she can get the care she needs without your help. Just be a broken record to everyone: You are unavailable, your father is dying, how can your mother get care?
Your desires are also valid. Your choices are also valid. Whatever they may be, including stepping away from a woman with such burdens and challenges. That's probably not her fault. It's definitely not your fault. I'm so sorry, OP, that you are facing both your father's impending death and crazy-stressful situation with your mom. Feel free to PM me if you like. Hugs!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:01 PM on December 28, 2016 [14 favorites]
Dear OP, I have been going to Al-Anon meetings for a few years now. I've learned a couple of things that may shock you, because they shocked me. 1. You didn't ask to be born and you are not actually obligated to care for your alcoholic and mentally ill mother. I'm pretty sure she would prefer to be healthy and not alcoholic. But she is and while that sucks for both of you and her, especially, that doesn't mean you have to care for her. 2. Your greatest responsibility is to yourself. So figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself and work on some loving detachment around your mom.
My dry drunk dad, whom I will visit shortly, wants to live with me. He doesn't get to live with me because that would make my life hell. And it's not my fault that he made the kind of choices that means none of his wives stuck around to do that gendered caretaking thing now that he's hit his 80s. I love my dad and so I do what I can, such as arranging for hospice home care and visiting when I can. I call him daily. Several folks think I'm a terrible daughter because I won't force him into an institution (because he doesn't want to move out of his home if he can't live with me) and because I won't let him live with me. That's okay, I don't need their approval.
You've been dealing with terrible shit from a really young age. If you don't want to replace your dad in your mom's life, you have this Internet stranger's approval to refuse. Don't make any promises to your mom. Don't give up your life if you don't want to. Do check out Al-Anon wherever you happen to be and do reach out to a social worker yourself to see what's available. And be honest. I've told the social worker(s) and the adult protection investigator (who decided my dad was fine on his own) that my dad was never going to live with me.
If you don't want to do it, don't do it. Simply explain to everyone, including those folks who are entirely willing to shame daughters into caretaking, that you are unavailable to care for your mother and need help figuring out how she can get the care she needs without your help. Just be a broken record to everyone: You are unavailable, your father is dying, how can your mother get care?
Your desires are also valid. Your choices are also valid. Whatever they may be, including stepping away from a woman with such burdens and challenges. That's probably not her fault. It's definitely not your fault. I'm so sorry, OP, that you are facing both your father's impending death and crazy-stressful situation with your mom. Feel free to PM me if you like. Hugs!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:01 PM on December 28, 2016 [14 favorites]
Mod note: Quisp Lover, I'm not sure why you're digging in so hard on this thread but I need you to drop it at this point, and as a general thing do less of this "actually, let me explain in detail why your question is wrong" stuff in Ask.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:49 AM on December 29, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:49 AM on December 29, 2016 [7 favorites]
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posted by tooloudinhere at 6:09 AM on December 28, 2016 [12 favorites]