Go or no?

December 24, 2016 5:29 PM

I am having some kind of emotional crisis and I am supposed to appear at a relative's house for Christmas tomorrow. I need help deciding whether to go.

I can't stop crying, I am having an extended panic attack, and I am generally a wreck. I gave up on wrapping presents and just stuffed them all into a bag with instructions for distributing the poorly thought out gifts that I could barely be arsed to shop online for in the first place. I think that this is happening because of a confluence of events: the election, a minor disagreement with my only friend where my feelings got hurt, the fact that my brother and parents are together in Florida and I am not, financial stress due to my cat needing mouth surgery, and generally very poor mental and physical health complicated by uncontrollable nerve pain.

So I tried to figure out the pros and cons of going. In typical cynical fashion, I will start with the cons:

1. I will feel pressure to keep my shit together to avoid ruining everyone's holiday.
2. Despite a moratorium on political discussions at the family and friends Christmas party, people said very denigrating things about liberals that made me internally boil with rage. Some of the same people will be there.
3. I am embarassed by my shitty, cheap, unwrapped gifts.
4. I would have to shower and wash clothes and breathing is difficult right now. Caring for my appearance feels impossible.
5. My family loves me but is very dismissive of mental illness and generally subscribes to bootstrappy 50s style self-determination through sheer willpower and places high value on appearances. Undoubtedly, such advice will be given.

Pros:
1. I won't be alone on Christmas during an existential crisis of epic proportions and might find comfort in distraction.
2. I will be fed food. Currently I have no food and have no plans to get any. A wonderful MeFite gave me a gift card to dominos after my last question but the local franchise does not deliver on Christmas.
3. I will avoid disappointing my family.

So. What should I do?

posted by xyzzy to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Best answer: Don't go. It sounds like you would be more alone in the crowd than at home with your cat. Order the pizza now and save half of it for tomorrow. You can heat it up or eat it cold. I actually prefer the latter.

Remove from your burden the additional burden of feeling as though you must live up to ithers' expectations.
posted by janey47 at 5:37 PM on December 24, 2016 [41 favorites]

Best answer: Do you have your own transportation? If so I would share that you are in horrible pain but that you will drop by with the gifts you have made a Herculean effort to acquire in the middle of an awful time (so true! Truer than they know) and you can shower, get food there, and leave fast especially if there's stupid liberal bashing or advice-giving. Possibly in pajamas.

I say that both for the food and because you say they love you. Rather than discussing bootstrapping with them, you could be visibly you - torn, tired, in pain, hungry, exhausted you - and see if they step up.

If not, you 100% have my Internet stranger ok to stay home.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:44 PM on December 24, 2016 [15 favorites]

Best answer: Ugh the edit window is closed so I can't correct my typo. Let me assure you that "ithers" is a typo and not some obscure slang word you don't know. Sorry
posted by janey47 at 5:48 PM on December 24, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I love warriorqueen's compromise. Nobody will be able to fault you for following that course of action, and once you're there, if it feels okay, if people are kind and supportive, maybe you'll stay. If not, you'll go home. Either way, you'll have food. This is a hard Christmas for a lot of people, you're definitely not alone. I'm in the middle of a group text with all my friends tonight and pretty much everyone is having the same shitty time you are. Just do your best, that's all you can do. Maybe go ahead and order that pizza tonight so you can bail at the last minute tomorrow if you can't deal.
posted by HotToddy at 5:50 PM on December 24, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Having food is top priority, but if you can do as janey47 recommends, that's taken care of.

My advice is to look at janey47's suggestion, and warrior queen's suggestion (which is also good!) and flip a coin to decide what to do.

BUT the trick is, however you actually hope the coin toss turns out, that is your actual answer to what you really want to do. And I think you should do what you really want to do. As long as you are fed somehow!

And I hope you can feel a little better soon. I'm sorry things are so hard right now.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:51 PM on December 24, 2016 [7 favorites]

Best answer: You have no obligation to attend something that doesn't appeal to you. Give yourself permission to stay home with NO GUILT, rest... Order a pizza tonight and warm it up tomorrow... Peace...
posted by HuronBob at 5:53 PM on December 24, 2016 [11 favorites]

Best answer: Pro list is short, and three is barely a real pro... They're the disappointments; they care more about appearances than reality.

Pro #2 can be nice...If you could pull it off, show up (showered or not), drop off gifts, inhale food, leave.

Can you just order delivery tonight and have leftovers tomorrow? You could still decide to go in the end, but it would be because you wanted to and didn't have a hungry stomach making you more susceptible to guilt (which you shouldn't feel if you did skip out).
posted by ghost phoneme at 5:54 PM on December 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I wonder if going might take you out of your head some. What about going but giving yourself permission to flee if it's worse there than at home? Disappointing your family is a concern I'd try to give up but not eating will probably make you feel worse and being alone might (though it sounds like you have a cat, so you're not really alone!)
posted by Smearcase at 5:55 PM on December 24, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: And.. here are some mefites that have offered warmth and food for the holiday... My house is always open for those in SE michigan...
posted by HuronBob at 5:56 PM on December 24, 2016 [15 favorites]

Best answer: I also have anxiety, and I think you should go.

I once spent an entire day deciding outfits to wear to the gym, and then never ended up going.

I really do know how you feel, and have had food insecurity before and anxiety about events in general.

Please do go, and eat the food, and move away to a corner if anyone says anything bad. I was at a Thanksgiving event, which was mostly great, and there was one person who talked about the need for change, and thankfully, my mouth was full of spinach dip.

Happy Holidays, whatever you decide to do and extra special hugs, because I know what you're going through and wish we could just sit this one out together.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:59 PM on December 24, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I think it depends on how true the "they really love me" part is.

If, when you think ahead to the end of the evening, you know you will feel that love, then
it would be okay to go. But if that's in question, and you might feel worse at the end of the
day than when you started, then you should stay home. And, as said above, order the pizza today.

Either way, best wishes to you. I hope your day turns out well and that you feel better.
posted by Puddle Jumper at 6:11 PM on December 24, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I would stay home. It all sounds like way too much stress and effort just for food, especially when you can order food now and have left overs tomorrow. Left over pizza pounds great!

Distract yourself with TV, DVDs are the best if you can because there are no adverts and therefore no seasonal reminders. I am alone myself ( from choice) and so happy with my decision.

I hope whatever you decide to do that you feel safe and at peace. Best wishes to you.
posted by kitten magic at 6:18 PM on December 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Agreed that you should plan to stay home. Is there other delivery food (Chinese?)? Can a family member drop off some food today or tomorrow for you? Can you order a pizza now and put it in the fridge?

I find that my anxiety spikes when I have to "get myself together to get through [thing.]" In the longer term, it's good to push your boundaries. But this is not one of those times. You sometimes have to practice good self care first as opposed to just making everything worse.

If you plan on not going, some of that anxiety and crappy feeling may go away and you may just end up feeling well enough to go. Or you may not - but you already said you couldn't make it so there's no downside.

I too have a chronic illness and sometimes faking myself out helps. Like, oh I'm NOT going to do this thing - then if I get the energy for it and do it, it's a huge plus. Like a bonus.

So yeah, plan to not go. Take care of yourself. Do you have a therapist or call line you can contact? Do you have any mediation that may help? Can you take a hot bath or shower? These things all help.
posted by Crystalinne at 6:33 PM on December 24, 2016 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Can you delegate wrapping to somebody? My mom would do this if you delivered your bag (well or I guess I am old enough to do this for you now too). Then you can just enjoy the pizza you ordered tonight tomorrow with no guilt. Could say you don't feel great when you drop the presents.

Sometimes it's nice to have semifriends that are total shitshows. You can show up to hang with them as a mess. And it's ok because they are similarly a mess. And maybe on your good weeks you are less excited to do this. But it's nice to have the moral support, because everyone struggles sometimes. And a lot of people will openly share it with you. Do we know where you are?
posted by Kalmya at 6:50 PM on December 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Your number one pro is a biggie. Have a rest tonight, take a nice bath.

Don't worry about wrapping the gifts. (Don't worry about the gifts, you did the best you could.)

Tomorrow, start the day with a nice hot shower and get ready to be around people who love you. Eat with them. Let yourself get distracted.

If someone says something political or it all gets to be too much, just find somewhere quiet and have a rest. (Say that you need a rest, or just sneak away. I've done that. They'll carry on and will be glad to see you when you come out again.)

If it gets to be too much, go home. But first give yourself a chance to be with people who love you.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:08 PM on December 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Don't worry about it now. See how you feel in the morning and decide then.
posted by metasarah at 8:05 PM on December 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Are you near a church or organization that gives away breakfasts or lunch? I would go to that instead if you can manage it. I wish you much physical peace and much peace of mind.
posted by gt2 at 8:05 PM on December 24, 2016 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Nthing "Mefite Christmas!" A lot of people have opened their homes. If you wanted, you could even surprise them with gifts that would be welcomed and appreciated and not thought of as shit!
posted by corb at 8:15 PM on December 24, 2016 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Giving everyone best answers for taking the time to provide thoughtful advice on Christmas Eve. It was too late to order food tonight so I dropped by a 24 hour convenience store and got a pot pie to heat up tomorrow. I also took a bath and washed some clothes in case I suddenly feel better tomorrow. If not, I'll just play video games all day tomorrow and try not to think of things.
posted by xyzzy at 8:24 PM on December 24, 2016 [62 favorites]

I have to balance physical and mental health (including anxiety), finances, and fortitude whenever "it's time to visit family" comes up. I went for Thanksgiving. It involved four hours of driving each way, four days at one house, with two excursions to other locations - one to church and lunch, the other to a doctor and lunch (all made more complicated because family isn't used to dealing with a wheelchair). I loved being there, despite the extremely challenging emotional labor, physical pain, and exhaustion.

But for Christmas, I decided not to go. For me, it would be an extra house in another state, adding 8 more hours of driving, round trip, additional outside excursions, sleeping on couches the whole trip, all kinds of extended family, I'm getting overwhelmed just typing it up. It just would have been too much.

So you won't be alone in not being with family on Christmas. And there'll be a whole internet full of others just like you and me. Something to keep in mind if you start feeling lonely. But you're absolutely not alone.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 1:38 AM on December 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

Your family loves you, but that tough love bootstrap stuff is definitely not the kind of love you need today. You'll see them again when you're up to it. Call and say you're sick and can't come today. Nobody will question that, this time of year. It's a harmless lie to avoid any hurt feelings and drama while you're going through a crisis. Stay home and pamper the hell out of yourself, or maybe go volunteer or try the Mefite Christmas thing. If you just want to be out there with people and feel some Christmas-y vibes, maybe go to a church service. I'm agnostic with atheist leanings, but sometimes I can just enjoy looking at the stained-glass windows and hearing the hymns. Or video games could be just the thing, maybe you've already got a fun day planned there. Just be kind to yourself. Eat a pot pie, pet the cat, enjoy the quiet and be cozy.

2016 sucked so, so much butt. Here's wishing us all better days to come.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:50 AM on December 25, 2016 [3 favorites]

xyzzy, I just saw these suggestions for visiting unsupportive family at the holidays. It's geared towards trauma survivors, but some of the ideas might be helpful if you decide to go.

I hope you have a warm and pleasant Christmas day, however you spend it.
posted by bunderful at 6:12 AM on December 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

If you call them and say you're sick (which it sounds like you really are!), you might get a relative volunteering to drop off a plate or two of Christmas dinner and hugs, which would get you a mini dose of Christmas cheer and deliciousness without too much stress and energy.
posted by instamatic at 10:24 AM on December 25, 2016 [2 favorites]