Am I a selfish idiot?
January 7, 2006 10:27 PM Subscribe
I've been in a relationship for about 3.5ish years. We're both about 20. She went to school, I fell straight into a career out of high school and skipped college. Last year she told me she was thinking of applying to study abroad for a semester. I didn't think much of it until a few months later when she applied and was accepted.
My feelings were mixed at first. On one hand I was excited for her and thought it was a great opportunity, on the other I wasn't very excited about not having contact with her very much for what feels like a lengthy period of time to me. Eventually after a few (numerous) discussions (fights) the negative feelings subsided and turned to support.
About a month ago, however, I began feeling quite depressed. I honestly didn't believe it was related to her leaving because I was under a lot of job-related stress at the time but the more I thought about it the more I realized that it was her. She's leaving in a week or so and I can't help but think that I'm going to feel like this until she returns.
I'm afraid to tell her about how I'm feeling because I know how much my support meant to her. The depression is now combined with guilt because part of me still thinks it's wrong of me to be sad about something so positive for her.
My question to everyone is how would you feel? Hypothetical responses and actual similar personal experiences are welcome. If it was a personal experience, how did you get through it? What were things like afterward?
My feelings were mixed at first. On one hand I was excited for her and thought it was a great opportunity, on the other I wasn't very excited about not having contact with her very much for what feels like a lengthy period of time to me. Eventually after a few (numerous) discussions (fights) the negative feelings subsided and turned to support.
About a month ago, however, I began feeling quite depressed. I honestly didn't believe it was related to her leaving because I was under a lot of job-related stress at the time but the more I thought about it the more I realized that it was her. She's leaving in a week or so and I can't help but think that I'm going to feel like this until she returns.
I'm afraid to tell her about how I'm feeling because I know how much my support meant to her. The depression is now combined with guilt because part of me still thinks it's wrong of me to be sad about something so positive for her.
My question to everyone is how would you feel? Hypothetical responses and actual similar personal experiences are welcome. If it was a personal experience, how did you get through it? What were things like afterward?
abstractly, going abroad is worth more than you realize. relationships are transient, but being able to live in another country lasts forever. don't be selfish, be jealous!
but from real personal experience, that doesn't even matter! you're fine! i know many couples that have survived the going-abroad relationship test*, it isn't that tough, especially with the whole 'internet' thing. don't worry about it, just make her send you cool foreign stuff alla the time.
*i actually can't think of any that failed, either. we're talking like a good 3 or 4 close-to-me successes, at least!
posted by soma lkzx at 10:41 PM on January 7, 2006
but from real personal experience, that doesn't even matter! you're fine! i know many couples that have survived the going-abroad relationship test*, it isn't that tough, especially with the whole 'internet' thing. don't worry about it, just make her send you cool foreign stuff alla the time.
*i actually can't think of any that failed, either. we're talking like a good 3 or 4 close-to-me successes, at least!
posted by soma lkzx at 10:41 PM on January 7, 2006
If you're so dependent that you're going to be depressed until she returns, view this as an opporitunity to enrich YOUR life because you (as a pair) won't be happy unless you (both of you as individuals) have rich lives standing alone. This goes with the first comment about being relatively inexperienced.
Best case is that you get to visit her and your relationship gets stronger. Worst case is that she finds new experiences and you brood and exude jealousy when you talk to her, and she decides to move on. It's OK to bed sad AND supportive as said above. There are still no guarantees, but remember that you validate you, she doesn't. Use the semester to make yourself a better, more interesting person, and with any luck she'll return to an even better relationship.
posted by kcm at 10:44 PM on January 7, 2006
Best case is that you get to visit her and your relationship gets stronger. Worst case is that she finds new experiences and you brood and exude jealousy when you talk to her, and she decides to move on. It's OK to bed sad AND supportive as said above. There are still no guarantees, but remember that you validate you, she doesn't. Use the semester to make yourself a better, more interesting person, and with any luck she'll return to an even better relationship.
posted by kcm at 10:44 PM on January 7, 2006
(Start making YOUR plans for when she's gone and tell HER about how jealous she'll be with all the cool stuff you're doing without her - without being too explicit about the competition :) )
posted by kcm at 10:45 PM on January 7, 2006
posted by kcm at 10:45 PM on January 7, 2006
It is MORE than okay to tell her that you will miss her, that you will be sad to be without her for a time. You're not sad about her taking this opportunity, only about the distance aspect. That's a pretty important distinction that I'm sure she understands, and won't be that hard to articulate. You care about each other very much, and the prospect of spending any length of time apart from a significant other (especially when you haven't done it before) can be intimidating for anyone.
I went out of country for all four years of school and while you are correct in that it makes the world of a difference to know that my fellow didn't resent my leaving to better myself, I was very much comforted to know that he misses me just as much as I do him when we are apart (for what it is worth: we are both 21, have been dating 4.5 years and I have one semester left to go whereas he just completed his first semester of school, so I hear where you are coming from)
You should very definitely tell her you will miss her, and figure out how you will treat this time apart, BEFORE she leaves. A plan to call or email regularly, to send postcards, etc. some method of keeping in frequent contact will help you feel less left out in this part of her life, and give her a familiar outlet for talking about all her new experiences.
I asked my boyfriend for his thoughts and he suggested the keeping in contact, along with "keeping busy" meaning DO NOT sit around morosely at home or behind your desk being depressed your gal is off globe-trotting. Treat this like the opportunity it is for you as well! Do some travelling yourself maybe, or take a crazy interest class, use some time on yourself. Make your conversations be more than "Boo hoo I miss you!" because believe me that'll get old fast.
On the practical side of things: this is a great AskMe thread on how to keep long-distance relationships moving forward and healthy. There are a couple more if you go looking.
And really, in the grand scheme of your life (if you are considering life plans together, or even if you're not) 3-4 months is nothing, really. It will fly by and you will both be better for it. Finally, my email is in my profile should you want it!
posted by nelleish at 11:00 PM on January 7, 2006
I went out of country for all four years of school and while you are correct in that it makes the world of a difference to know that my fellow didn't resent my leaving to better myself, I was very much comforted to know that he misses me just as much as I do him when we are apart (for what it is worth: we are both 21, have been dating 4.5 years and I have one semester left to go whereas he just completed his first semester of school, so I hear where you are coming from)
You should very definitely tell her you will miss her, and figure out how you will treat this time apart, BEFORE she leaves. A plan to call or email regularly, to send postcards, etc. some method of keeping in frequent contact will help you feel less left out in this part of her life, and give her a familiar outlet for talking about all her new experiences.
I asked my boyfriend for his thoughts and he suggested the keeping in contact, along with "keeping busy" meaning DO NOT sit around morosely at home or behind your desk being depressed your gal is off globe-trotting. Treat this like the opportunity it is for you as well! Do some travelling yourself maybe, or take a crazy interest class, use some time on yourself. Make your conversations be more than "Boo hoo I miss you!" because believe me that'll get old fast.
On the practical side of things: this is a great AskMe thread on how to keep long-distance relationships moving forward and healthy. There are a couple more if you go looking.
And really, in the grand scheme of your life (if you are considering life plans together, or even if you're not) 3-4 months is nothing, really. It will fly by and you will both be better for it. Finally, my email is in my profile should you want it!
posted by nelleish at 11:00 PM on January 7, 2006
This advice may not help, but my opinion is BOTH of you need to experience other relationships. Perhaps the two of you are meant to be together... but you have little/no adult experience in this filed so how can you know?
You're right, edgeways, your opinion isn't helpful. Saraswati didn't ask for a relationship prognosis; he wants advice for how to deal with the present situation.
Listen to nelleish, she's right on. In a semester's time, she'll be back full of new experiences and ideas and hopefully you will be too, and your relationship will be all the better for it.
posted by folara at 11:34 PM on January 7, 2006
You're right, edgeways, your opinion isn't helpful. Saraswati didn't ask for a relationship prognosis; he wants advice for how to deal with the present situation.
Listen to nelleish, she's right on. In a semester's time, she'll be back full of new experiences and ideas and hopefully you will be too, and your relationship will be all the better for it.
posted by folara at 11:34 PM on January 7, 2006
edgeways' advice is certainly relevant. So is yours. Realizing that your relationship is transient is one of the most important steps to growing up and approaching the relationship you're currently in with the respect it deserves - and that encompasses what you said.
posted by kcm at 11:58 PM on January 7, 2006
posted by kcm at 11:58 PM on January 7, 2006
Could you take a sabbatical and joing her for part of her time abroad? My friend was in a serious relationship in college, but had to go 3,000 miles away for study one semester. His girlfriend moved there for four months and lived with him. When they returned, they were engaged.
I also know someone else who went to Scandinavia for a study semester. Her boyfriend visited for a month or so half-way during the trip. It gave them both something to look forward to, and it provided them both with a great experience.
Could you go with her, visit for a few weeks, visit once or even meet somewhere in between? If you could perhaps visit for even 10 days at the half-way mark, you'd be able to meet her friends and you'd gain an appreciation for her experience. This might make it easier to pick up again when she gets back.
And, while she's away, maybe you could take a couple of night classes. This will allow you to focus on one of your own interests, achieve something new, and fill up some of your social time while connecting with new people.
posted by acoutu at 12:11 AM on January 8, 2006
I also know someone else who went to Scandinavia for a study semester. Her boyfriend visited for a month or so half-way during the trip. It gave them both something to look forward to, and it provided them both with a great experience.
Could you go with her, visit for a few weeks, visit once or even meet somewhere in between? If you could perhaps visit for even 10 days at the half-way mark, you'd be able to meet her friends and you'd gain an appreciation for her experience. This might make it easier to pick up again when she gets back.
And, while she's away, maybe you could take a couple of night classes. This will allow you to focus on one of your own interests, achieve something new, and fill up some of your social time while connecting with new people.
posted by acoutu at 12:11 AM on January 8, 2006
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the replies. They've all been helpful.
Isn't saying that a relationship is transient kind of assuming that it's going to fail? I recognize that some (if not most) relationships don't last forever but it sounds like you're saying all relationships don't.
posted by saraswati at 12:29 AM on January 8, 2006
Isn't saying that a relationship is transient kind of assuming that it's going to fail? I recognize that some (if not most) relationships don't last forever but it sounds like you're saying all relationships don't.
posted by saraswati at 12:29 AM on January 8, 2006
Response by poster: I'm going to try and visit her. The problem is I just started with a new job that's going to require a high level of availability from me for the first few months. We do have a trip planned when she gets back though.
posted by saraswati at 12:33 AM on January 8, 2006
posted by saraswati at 12:33 AM on January 8, 2006
I am 19 and my girlfriend is 20. We have ben together for 3.5 years as of November. She just recently went abroad and has now returned. My one bit of advice is this: DO NOT EXPECT TO PICK UP WHERE YOU LEFT OFF. She will need some adjustment time when she gets back from her trip. I made the mistake of proposing to her when she got back and she felt so overwhelmed that I almost lost her completley. Luckily, we talked a lot and made everything work out in the end.
Also, don't listen to anyone who says you're too young. Romance is for the romantic.
posted by ThFullEffect at 2:31 AM on January 8, 2006
Also, don't listen to anyone who says you're too young. Romance is for the romantic.
posted by ThFullEffect at 2:31 AM on January 8, 2006
It depends so much on the people concerned. I had one relationship almost break off because of distance and one definitely break off because of that. Then again, I once met a couple that had been together for four years with the girl living in Australia and the guy in NYC. In your situation I think you just have to accept it and see what will happen. Good luck.
posted by keijo at 2:46 AM on January 8, 2006
posted by keijo at 2:46 AM on January 8, 2006
I would second what nelleish said but I wonder if this whole in school/in job divide is alluding to some other anxieties that you might confront? Would you rather be in school? Are you concerned you are both going in different directions? If this is the case I wouldn’t raise the concerns now – I would just try to be aware of the way in which they might be inflecting my thoughts about the relationship.
More practically: Learn to write good love letters. Discover poets that you like and send her their books. (Mix tapes are too clichéd, juvenile and sterile, writing the poetry yourself is perfectly dangerous.) Identify the things she likes (food, art, etc.) where you are that can be sent through the mail. Consider long distance communication as a new skill to be learned and a new dimension of the relationship rather than a substitute for ‘real’ forms of communication and closeness. Consider it a challenge that you will rise to. Realize that more and more people are in this situation and that while there are, as of yet, no prescriptions for doing it right, an enormous number of people do it successfully. Consider the fact that this is a good way to destroy any rote scripts of relationshiphoood and thus put in on its own distinct terms – an utterly good thing! More controversially, consider the possibility of non-monogamy with a few ground rules – no use letting the desire for a one night stand destroy a good relationship.
posted by anglophiliated at 3:46 AM on January 8, 2006
More practically: Learn to write good love letters. Discover poets that you like and send her their books. (Mix tapes are too clichéd, juvenile and sterile, writing the poetry yourself is perfectly dangerous.) Identify the things she likes (food, art, etc.) where you are that can be sent through the mail. Consider long distance communication as a new skill to be learned and a new dimension of the relationship rather than a substitute for ‘real’ forms of communication and closeness. Consider it a challenge that you will rise to. Realize that more and more people are in this situation and that while there are, as of yet, no prescriptions for doing it right, an enormous number of people do it successfully. Consider the fact that this is a good way to destroy any rote scripts of relationshiphoood and thus put in on its own distinct terms – an utterly good thing! More controversially, consider the possibility of non-monogamy with a few ground rules – no use letting the desire for a one night stand destroy a good relationship.
posted by anglophiliated at 3:46 AM on January 8, 2006
ok. i've been in a long distance relationship for two years now. I'm 20, she's 24. the longest we've been together in that time is three months.
firstly, realise that you're in this relationship because it makes both of you happy. keep it that way. you can still have a relationship and be apart and be happy. it does sound like you really depend on her for your happiness, and that's a bit dangerous. take this opportunity to be a bit more independent, explore things on your own for a while. this doesn't neccessarily mean other people, but just doing things solo.
how would i feel? yeah, i'd be sad that we're separating. but i wouldn't be sad about this wonderful oppotunity for her (and for you). that's an important distinction.
what were things like afterwards? well, it depends what you do. if she travels and has wonderful experiences and makes friends and lives this incredible overseas life for a semester while you sit at home waiting for her to return, then it'll be a VERY hard time when she gets back. she could very well see you as a bit of a drag, someone she cared about before but she has since moved on.
that's not the only option though. you can enjoy yourself, grow a little, learn as much as you can from this forced separation. then when she gets back, there will be a minute/day/week of strangeness while you come to terms with this new version of each other. then, though, it can be wonderful. it can be brilliant to realise that you can both grow and change and still be in love, still be as committed to each other as before.
the most important thing is to just be happy. the situation is fixed, you'll be apart, so stop being sad about that. find things that make you happy, and enjoy the time apart as best you can. it'll make the relationship so much stonger when she returns.
posted by twirlypen at 5:04 AM on January 8, 2006
firstly, realise that you're in this relationship because it makes both of you happy. keep it that way. you can still have a relationship and be apart and be happy. it does sound like you really depend on her for your happiness, and that's a bit dangerous. take this opportunity to be a bit more independent, explore things on your own for a while. this doesn't neccessarily mean other people, but just doing things solo.
how would i feel? yeah, i'd be sad that we're separating. but i wouldn't be sad about this wonderful oppotunity for her (and for you). that's an important distinction.
what were things like afterwards? well, it depends what you do. if she travels and has wonderful experiences and makes friends and lives this incredible overseas life for a semester while you sit at home waiting for her to return, then it'll be a VERY hard time when she gets back. she could very well see you as a bit of a drag, someone she cared about before but she has since moved on.
that's not the only option though. you can enjoy yourself, grow a little, learn as much as you can from this forced separation. then when she gets back, there will be a minute/day/week of strangeness while you come to terms with this new version of each other. then, though, it can be wonderful. it can be brilliant to realise that you can both grow and change and still be in love, still be as committed to each other as before.
the most important thing is to just be happy. the situation is fixed, you'll be apart, so stop being sad about that. find things that make you happy, and enjoy the time apart as best you can. it'll make the relationship so much stonger when she returns.
posted by twirlypen at 5:04 AM on January 8, 2006
One thing that I don't think I've seen mentioned yet is this: expect that you might miss her more than she misses you.
That's because she's the one having this great adventure in a foreign land, and you're the one staying home surrounded by everything that reminds you of her.
She'll simply have more things to occupy her time and more new things to think about, hence less time to dwell on you, and may be happy with less contact than you'd like. BUT that doesn't mean that she's falling out of love with your or anything -- it's just a natural thing that happens when one leaves and one stays behind. It's happened to me from both directions.
And ignore the people here who are saying relationships are ephemeral as if that should change your behavior. Yes, statistically young relationships don't last, but there are exceptions. And more importantly, your relationship is going to be whatever it is going to be -- it will continue or end for its own reasons, and your job is to be there and be as loving and good as you can. Age doesn't matter.
posted by footnote at 6:06 AM on January 8, 2006
That's because she's the one having this great adventure in a foreign land, and you're the one staying home surrounded by everything that reminds you of her.
She'll simply have more things to occupy her time and more new things to think about, hence less time to dwell on you, and may be happy with less contact than you'd like. BUT that doesn't mean that she's falling out of love with your or anything -- it's just a natural thing that happens when one leaves and one stays behind. It's happened to me from both directions.
And ignore the people here who are saying relationships are ephemeral as if that should change your behavior. Yes, statistically young relationships don't last, but there are exceptions. And more importantly, your relationship is going to be whatever it is going to be -- it will continue or end for its own reasons, and your job is to be there and be as loving and good as you can. Age doesn't matter.
posted by footnote at 6:06 AM on January 8, 2006
I've been in a similar situation (and am currently applying to study abroad again), and one point I think is worth making: I always wanted to hear that my boyfriend would miss me, and that it would actually make a difference to him that I wasn't going to be there. It's one of those things which might be assumed, and I am excessively neurotic about people, but even if you're focussing on the 'yea, go for it! Go on, I don't mind a bit' supportive role, there's still room for saying 'You know I'm going to think of you every time [x], and I miss you already'.
In my case, I also felt under a lot of pressure to be overwhelmingly positive about my decision to go away, and to babble on about what an amazing experience I was having, because that's what it's supposed to be. I don't know how you would do this, but try and make it ok for her to say she's having a lousy time without making it into 'ha! You never should have gone, should you!'. Even a lousy trip overseas is a beneficial experience.
posted by jacalata at 7:23 AM on January 8, 2006
Keep this mind:
You're 20. There's nothing that says you can't travel or go to college either, if you want to.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:54 AM on January 8, 2006
You're 20. There's nothing that says you can't travel or go to college either, if you want to.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:54 AM on January 8, 2006
So much good advice. I'll just tell you that when my first serious boyfriend went to California for nine months to go to school there was nothing I looked forward to more than his e-mail each morning that told me about his day. I still have them all, and we've been married for almost five years. Tell her you miss her, stay in touch and visit if you can - the semester will be over before you know it. Good luck!
posted by deliriouscool at 8:05 AM on January 8, 2006
posted by deliriouscool at 8:05 AM on January 8, 2006
When I studied abroad, the guy I was dating could. not. handle. it. And it drove me bananas. Understand that depending on her program, she may actually have, you know, work to do, and if she says, "I'm working on writing four papers and really, I love you but I'm going to be extremely busy," she probably means it. This one particular guy's inability to respect my work, my needs, and my independence led to the complete and total demise of our relationship.
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:11 AM on January 8, 2006
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:11 AM on January 8, 2006
jacalata touched on this, but don't encourage her to come home early, even if it sounds like she's having a hideous time. Especially if this is her first time living abroad, she'll have some 'moments' in which she only needs the slightest reason to give up and come home, because it can be really hard to adjust and it can come upon you suddenly at any time during the three months. But 999 times out of 1000, going home would be the biggest mistake. Help her get through it, be sympathetic--but don't even mention coming home.
My study abroad experience isn't really relevant, since I was already in a LDR that had already gotten bad when I went abroad. But I always say I can't overstate how important and awesome it is to study abroad.
Yes, you are young, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to make it work. But it can mean that this is your chance to learn how to be alone. If you've been together 3.5 years, then 3.5 months won't break you unless there were things seriously wrong already. If the worst thing is that you really miss her, that's a good thing. Don't stop missing her, and tell her that you miss her. But also, try to alleviate the PAIN part by keeping busy, hanging out with your other friends, trying new things. Look forward to talking to her and seeing her, rather than wallowing in the fact that you don't see her now. It really will fly by, and then think how euphoric that airport reunion will be in May!
It's really a very short time. If your relationship is strong, this will only make it stronger.
posted by lampoil at 8:53 AM on January 8, 2006
My study abroad experience isn't really relevant, since I was already in a LDR that had already gotten bad when I went abroad. But I always say I can't overstate how important and awesome it is to study abroad.
Yes, you are young, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to make it work. But it can mean that this is your chance to learn how to be alone. If you've been together 3.5 years, then 3.5 months won't break you unless there were things seriously wrong already. If the worst thing is that you really miss her, that's a good thing. Don't stop missing her, and tell her that you miss her. But also, try to alleviate the PAIN part by keeping busy, hanging out with your other friends, trying new things. Look forward to talking to her and seeing her, rather than wallowing in the fact that you don't see her now. It really will fly by, and then think how euphoric that airport reunion will be in May!
It's really a very short time. If your relationship is strong, this will only make it stronger.
posted by lampoil at 8:53 AM on January 8, 2006
Good stuff from others; I'll only comment on the core question.
You're not a bad person for your own reactions and you're perfectly entitled to your own feelings about the matter. And there's no reason you can't be supportive of something that you're not necessarily thrilled about, at least in some ways.
You're a human who has reactions that are sometimes irrational or inconvenient. Part of why we have relationships is to have help with them. Don't deny yourself the benefit of her assistance in this - wouldn't her being supportive of you be good? Give her the chance to rise to the occasion; at 20 you've got plenty more multi-layers situations to confront in your future. No time like the present to practice.
posted by phearlez at 9:13 AM on January 8, 2006
You're not a bad person for your own reactions and you're perfectly entitled to your own feelings about the matter. And there's no reason you can't be supportive of something that you're not necessarily thrilled about, at least in some ways.
You're a human who has reactions that are sometimes irrational or inconvenient. Part of why we have relationships is to have help with them. Don't deny yourself the benefit of her assistance in this - wouldn't her being supportive of you be good? Give her the chance to rise to the occasion; at 20 you've got plenty more multi-layers situations to confront in your future. No time like the present to practice.
posted by phearlez at 9:13 AM on January 8, 2006
"... expect that you might miss her more than she misses you.
That's because she's the one having this great adventure in a foreign land, and you're the one staying home surrounded by everything that reminds you of her."
"she will need some adjustment time when she gets back from her trip."
I second these comments!! I think that they are some of the most important things said. When I came back my boyfriend did not give me enough time to adjust. I had to distance myself for about a week. He hated it and made me feel guilty. We did work though things and are now married. But I wouldn't change to China going for the world.
posted by nimsey lou at 9:26 AM on January 8, 2006
That's because she's the one having this great adventure in a foreign land, and you're the one staying home surrounded by everything that reminds you of her."
"she will need some adjustment time when she gets back from her trip."
I second these comments!! I think that they are some of the most important things said. When I came back my boyfriend did not give me enough time to adjust. I had to distance myself for about a week. He hated it and made me feel guilty. We did work though things and are now married. But I wouldn't change to China going for the world.
posted by nimsey lou at 9:26 AM on January 8, 2006
I second the adjustment time when she gets back -- and also to give her some adjustment time when she goes abroad. She may be homesick immediately, or she may get homesick a little later into the process. Please DO NOT take these moments as an opening to encourage her to come back early or to see her decision to go abroad as a mistake. This is the opportunity of a lifetime -- I spent time abroad both as a child and as a college student (my boyfriend was back in the states during my junior year abroad, though he visited a couple of times), and they are hands-down among the greatest memories/experiences of my life.
I think your ability to be genuinely excited and happy for her will be a good measure of your relationship -- that is, can you embrace the fact that she's having new experiences that you're not actually taking part in as well, even when you miss her (and may even feel envious or threatened that she's there and you're not)?
posted by scody at 11:11 AM on January 8, 2006
I think your ability to be genuinely excited and happy for her will be a good measure of your relationship -- that is, can you embrace the fact that she's having new experiences that you're not actually taking part in as well, even when you miss her (and may even feel envious or threatened that she's there and you're not)?
posted by scody at 11:11 AM on January 8, 2006
These stories about people coming back and getting happily married to the people they were with before are all well and good, but in my opinion (and experience), long-distance commitments add an unnecessary and counterproductive strain to the great experience of traveling while you're young. Sure, keep in touch, etc etc, but if she meets someone else while she's away, or vice versa, she or you should be free to explore that. Are you really sure that maybe she doesn't actually have that in mind?
posted by bingo at 12:03 PM on January 8, 2006
posted by bingo at 12:03 PM on January 8, 2006
she or you should be free to explore that
Or you could use this as a chance to learn the value (and difficulty) of fidelity. The basics don't really change when you get older.
That said, I greatly regret *not* coming to some kind of understanding with my at-home boyfriend before going abroad when I was your age -- because I ended up cheating, and cheating's no good no matter what country it happens in. However, I certainly don't think that deciding to have some kind of open relationship would have been any better a solution; we should have just broken up when we met other people, or before I left, then have seen if we wanted to start up again when I got back.
But that was me -- your relationship might be stronger and better than mine were.
posted by footnote at 12:47 PM on January 8, 2006
Or you could use this as a chance to learn the value (and difficulty) of fidelity. The basics don't really change when you get older.
That said, I greatly regret *not* coming to some kind of understanding with my at-home boyfriend before going abroad when I was your age -- because I ended up cheating, and cheating's no good no matter what country it happens in. However, I certainly don't think that deciding to have some kind of open relationship would have been any better a solution; we should have just broken up when we met other people, or before I left, then have seen if we wanted to start up again when I got back.
But that was me -- your relationship might be stronger and better than mine were.
posted by footnote at 12:47 PM on January 8, 2006
Response by poster: Thanks again to every for the advice.
To bingo and footnote: We've talked it over already and decided to stay together. I like to think that she wouldn't cheat on me, especially because she's never given me any reason to distrust her in the past. I'm not interested in being involved with anyone while she's gone, either.
posted by saraswati at 1:39 PM on January 8, 2006
To bingo and footnote: We've talked it over already and decided to stay together. I like to think that she wouldn't cheat on me, especially because she's never given me any reason to distrust her in the past. I'm not interested in being involved with anyone while she's gone, either.
posted by saraswati at 1:39 PM on January 8, 2006
First I would start saving now to be able to visit her while she's away. I'm not sure you need to be there for the whole thing - maybe some time apart will be good for you both in developing independence and in testing the boundaries of your relationship? (Friends overseas are an excellent way to take a holiday without having to pony up for accommodation.) Let her get out and have some new experiences and support her if she's feeling homesick, etc. Email makes it easy to stay in touch and international calls aren't the fortune they once were. Personally I'd ignore those saying you need to try other relationships, if this one is working for you both then keep working on it.
posted by biffa at 3:02 AM on January 9, 2006
posted by biffa at 3:02 AM on January 9, 2006
Or you could use this as a chance to learn the value (and difficulty) of fidelity. The basics don't really change when you get older.
For me they sure have, and I'm only 35. I like stable relationships now, and I take them seriously, but I wish I hadn't taken them nearly so seriously when I was in my teens and 20s.
I like to think that she wouldn't cheat on me, especially because she's never given me any reason to distrust her in the past. I'm not interested in being involved with anyone while she's gone, either
And I'm saying that the likelihood that at least one of you will change your minds in that respect is quite high. Saying that you're 'not interested in being involved with anyone while she's gone' is easy to say now. And, since you're not the one who's going on a life-changing journey, it may be easier for you to say six months from now, as well. Best of luck.
posted by bingo at 5:36 PM on January 9, 2006
For me they sure have, and I'm only 35. I like stable relationships now, and I take them seriously, but I wish I hadn't taken them nearly so seriously when I was in my teens and 20s.
I like to think that she wouldn't cheat on me, especially because she's never given me any reason to distrust her in the past. I'm not interested in being involved with anyone while she's gone, either
And I'm saying that the likelihood that at least one of you will change your minds in that respect is quite high. Saying that you're 'not interested in being involved with anyone while she's gone' is easy to say now. And, since you're not the one who's going on a life-changing journey, it may be easier for you to say six months from now, as well. Best of luck.
posted by bingo at 5:36 PM on January 9, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
1) it will be rough, I would express this to her in terms of "I will miss you terribly but hope you have a fantastic time".
2) The two of you are very young and if you have not been away from eachother for very long. This trip of hers is actually a good thing. Part of a mature relationship is being able to function both as a together couple and as an individual. 3.5 years and you are about 20? You where together since 16/17? This advice may not help, but my opinion is BOTH of you need to experience other relationships. Perhaps the two of you are meant to be together... but you have little/no adult experience in this filed so how can you know?
Excessive negative emotion in this situation may point to overdependence
posted by edgeways at 10:36 PM on January 7, 2006