Accepting Limitations
December 22, 2016 3:43 PM Subscribe
How do I learn to live a more manageable life?
I'm the kind of person who always has a long list of stuff to do (see older question). But now I'm getting to the point where I seriously feel like I have to learn how to let some things go or not over commit and stretch myself to thin. I'm feeling it a lot right now, with the holiday season...I wanted to have some of that christmas-y spirit but there was just so so much to do. I didn't even manage to put up a tree, I won't have most of my christmas gifts ready until after the new year, my place is a mess...and somehow despite getting none of that done, I still feel so so tired!
Despite feeling like a bit of a failure for the holidays this year--I know that's not the point of Christmas etc etc--I really feel like it's indicative of just a general shift in my life. I can't eat random crap anymore and look slim without significant weekly exercise. I am slowly and begrudgingly admitting that I need 7-8 hours of sleep per night to function. I have a lot of general life & creative goals and I feel a bit overwhelmed with how to manage them. Yes yes this is just a normal part of getting older, but I feel like I'm struggling with how to successfully transition from someone who optimistically thinks they can do everything and someone who recognizes their limitations and makes sure to respect them in order to live a less stressful but more productive life.
Right now I think I do pretty well when it comes to maintaining friendships and other social relationships, but I feel like I almost only have energy for doing one thing after work. So if I make plans with friends then that's it. Or if I go workout and get takeout, that's it. I used to rely on working on personal art after dinner and late into the evening, but now I get tired and if I even submit to the temptation to lie down (which I inevitably do) then I fall asleep involuntarily and have a weird sleep pattern of waking up in the middle of the night and groggily turning the lights back off and going back to sleep for another few hours. I don't know how people get things done. But maybe the real problem is, I don't know how to let go of some stuff so I have a more achievable list of to-dos? I really value friendships so I try to hang out often. I want to work out more. I want to come up with new art projects that will help advance my career. I want to just chill sometimes? It just seems unsustainable.
How did you adjust your lifestyle to be more manageable as you got older? How did you learn what to prioritize or let go when you have less energy? I'm only 30 and I feel like I really shouldn't be feeling this tired. I don't even have kids--lord knows how parents do it.
I'm the kind of person who always has a long list of stuff to do (see older question). But now I'm getting to the point where I seriously feel like I have to learn how to let some things go or not over commit and stretch myself to thin. I'm feeling it a lot right now, with the holiday season...I wanted to have some of that christmas-y spirit but there was just so so much to do. I didn't even manage to put up a tree, I won't have most of my christmas gifts ready until after the new year, my place is a mess...and somehow despite getting none of that done, I still feel so so tired!
Despite feeling like a bit of a failure for the holidays this year--I know that's not the point of Christmas etc etc--I really feel like it's indicative of just a general shift in my life. I can't eat random crap anymore and look slim without significant weekly exercise. I am slowly and begrudgingly admitting that I need 7-8 hours of sleep per night to function. I have a lot of general life & creative goals and I feel a bit overwhelmed with how to manage them. Yes yes this is just a normal part of getting older, but I feel like I'm struggling with how to successfully transition from someone who optimistically thinks they can do everything and someone who recognizes their limitations and makes sure to respect them in order to live a less stressful but more productive life.
Right now I think I do pretty well when it comes to maintaining friendships and other social relationships, but I feel like I almost only have energy for doing one thing after work. So if I make plans with friends then that's it. Or if I go workout and get takeout, that's it. I used to rely on working on personal art after dinner and late into the evening, but now I get tired and if I even submit to the temptation to lie down (which I inevitably do) then I fall asleep involuntarily and have a weird sleep pattern of waking up in the middle of the night and groggily turning the lights back off and going back to sleep for another few hours. I don't know how people get things done. But maybe the real problem is, I don't know how to let go of some stuff so I have a more achievable list of to-dos? I really value friendships so I try to hang out often. I want to work out more. I want to come up with new art projects that will help advance my career. I want to just chill sometimes? It just seems unsustainable.
How did you adjust your lifestyle to be more manageable as you got older? How did you learn what to prioritize or let go when you have less energy? I'm only 30 and I feel like I really shouldn't be feeling this tired. I don't even have kids--lord knows how parents do it.
If you are way more tired than you think you SHOULD be, there are a few things you should do that are not "dial back your life."
1. Doctor visit. Get a physical if you've not had one in a while. Get your thyroid checked, and if that is normal, ask for a sleep study. Friend of mine ended up being diagnosed with narcolepsy - it's not going to present like literal falling asleep in the middle of a sentence necessarily, as it happens.
2. Exercise. Are you getting exercise that is meaningful? Make THAT a priority. Getting moving will help with your energy levels.
3. Food. Keep a food journal and jot down also how you feel after eating (sleepy, full, hungry 10 minutes later). Transition to eating whole foods over processed foods. Are you consuming a lot of caffeine? Maybe cut back. Make sure you're drinking enough water. Being dehydrated is exhausting. As above, vitamins might also help.
As I get older, I find I have to really commit to all of the above health related stuff in order to feel good.
posted by Medieval Maven at 4:31 PM on December 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
1. Doctor visit. Get a physical if you've not had one in a while. Get your thyroid checked, and if that is normal, ask for a sleep study. Friend of mine ended up being diagnosed with narcolepsy - it's not going to present like literal falling asleep in the middle of a sentence necessarily, as it happens.
2. Exercise. Are you getting exercise that is meaningful? Make THAT a priority. Getting moving will help with your energy levels.
3. Food. Keep a food journal and jot down also how you feel after eating (sleepy, full, hungry 10 minutes later). Transition to eating whole foods over processed foods. Are you consuming a lot of caffeine? Maybe cut back. Make sure you're drinking enough water. Being dehydrated is exhausting. As above, vitamins might also help.
As I get older, I find I have to really commit to all of the above health related stuff in order to feel good.
posted by Medieval Maven at 4:31 PM on December 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
Just two things that might address parts of your question (beyond what has already been suggested above):
- I find that getting at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercise every day helps me to sleep better (based on Fitbit sleep metrics), which makes me less tired and able to do (or feel like doing) more. BTW, I am more than twice your age.
- As for not being effective w/r/t your goals, have you seen this TED talk? It will only take 12 minutes to watch.
FWIW
posted by forthright at 5:25 PM on December 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
- I find that getting at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercise every day helps me to sleep better (based on Fitbit sleep metrics), which makes me less tired and able to do (or feel like doing) more. BTW, I am more than twice your age.
- As for not being effective w/r/t your goals, have you seen this TED talk? It will only take 12 minutes to watch.
FWIW
posted by forthright at 5:25 PM on December 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Your thirties is a great time in life to think about why. Why do you want the things/relationships/career that you want? How much of your finite life will you pay to have those things?
If you are medically healthy, maybe this is time to slow way down and do nothing but think and wonder. A stage of preparation for your next big exciting busy stage of life.
I don't know, just something to think about.
posted by SyraCarol at 6:06 PM on December 22, 2016 [6 favorites]
If you are medically healthy, maybe this is time to slow way down and do nothing but think and wonder. A stage of preparation for your next big exciting busy stage of life.
I don't know, just something to think about.
posted by SyraCarol at 6:06 PM on December 22, 2016 [6 favorites]
Huh. I've pretty much always been the way you describe: I need at least eight hours of sleep, and I find doing more than one thing after work pretty stressful. The trick is to arrange to do the things you care about regularly, so that even if they're not all happening every night, you get around to each one often.
Could you commit one night a week to working out, and one night to art? Can you double up your goals, so that sometimes you work out with a friend, or host a craft night, or brainstorm art projects while hiking? If you're falling asleep earlier, can you carve out time in the morning?
posted by yarntheory at 6:16 PM on December 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
Could you commit one night a week to working out, and one night to art? Can you double up your goals, so that sometimes you work out with a friend, or host a craft night, or brainstorm art projects while hiking? If you're falling asleep earlier, can you carve out time in the morning?
posted by yarntheory at 6:16 PM on December 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
When I finished my dissertation, which absorbed every free moment I had outside of work, I wanted to DO ALL THE THINGS. For about 5 years, I wore myself ragged by doing ALL THE THINGS. Then I realized I couldn't actually do all the things, and I set a couple of rules for myself to organize my life. I urge setting these kinds of rules, although your specific rules might be different. Here's mine:
1. Always say yes to a social invitation unless you already have other plans.
2. Only do things after work two days per week.
3. Always try to have an adventure on Saturday (for me, this means a hike)
4. Always go to church on Sunday.
5. Do not scrimp money on physical activity or delicious ingredients for home-cooked food.
For me, it works best to frame this as a set of rules -- but really, this is a set of priorities (social relationships, down time, hiking, church, cooking). However you frame this, setting priorities will set you free.
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:40 PM on December 22, 2016 [20 favorites]
1. Always say yes to a social invitation unless you already have other plans.
2. Only do things after work two days per week.
3. Always try to have an adventure on Saturday (for me, this means a hike)
4. Always go to church on Sunday.
5. Do not scrimp money on physical activity or delicious ingredients for home-cooked food.
For me, it works best to frame this as a set of rules -- but really, this is a set of priorities (social relationships, down time, hiking, church, cooking). However you frame this, setting priorities will set you free.
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:40 PM on December 22, 2016 [20 favorites]
Yeah, I feel you on a lot of this. Much of what you say is normal (for instance, I've always needed 9 hours of sleep to be functional, and it's common to have metabolism changes around age 30 that mean you need to eat and exercise better/more consistently). But still, there are things you can do about some of it.
I seriously feel like I have to learn how to let some things go or not over commit and stretch myself too thin
This is your inner superhero talking. This is the part of you that gets excited about everything, has lots of great ideas, and thinks you have infinite time and energy to make all of it happen. Superhero self forgets that you need rest in order to have energy. To not overcommit, ask yourself: Who is making this plan? Is it superhero me or practical me? and proceed accordingly. You don't have to say no to plans, but you can make more of them be "I'll see how I'm feeling that night."
I am slowly and begrudgingly admitting that I need 7-8 hours of sleep per night to function
I still feel so so tired
if I even submit to the temptation to lie down (which I inevitably do) then I fall asleep involuntarily
These seem related. Try doing an experiment: get a consistent 7-8 hours of sleep every night (or 90% of nights) for a month. You're not ruining your social life forever, it's just a month. See what happens. See if the result is worth it. Maybe a consistent 7 hours is enough, if you get it every day.
I have a lot of general life & creative goals and I feel a bit overwhelmed with how to manage them
Would it help to focus on things you can actually produce? For instance, a goal like "every week I will make a painting, it can be a crappy painting, but it has to be a painting nonetheless." And then set aside a specific day of the week to make this painting (or whatever your creative goals are).
I almost only have energy for doing one thing after work
This sounds incredibly normal. I don't know of many people who do multiple things on weeknights. That's what Fridays and Saturdays are for. Really mostly Saturdays.
If you want to do more after work, I'd suggest parallelizing some of your activities. If you live with friends, you can hang out more often more easily (just by running into each other in the kitchen, say). If you have a running buddy, you can work out and get your social on. And if all of these are habits and/or recurring events, it's even easier. I get so much more done when I know exactly what I'm doing after work before I even get home.
posted by danceswithlight at 7:00 PM on December 22, 2016
I seriously feel like I have to learn how to let some things go or not over commit and stretch myself too thin
This is your inner superhero talking. This is the part of you that gets excited about everything, has lots of great ideas, and thinks you have infinite time and energy to make all of it happen. Superhero self forgets that you need rest in order to have energy. To not overcommit, ask yourself: Who is making this plan? Is it superhero me or practical me? and proceed accordingly. You don't have to say no to plans, but you can make more of them be "I'll see how I'm feeling that night."
I am slowly and begrudgingly admitting that I need 7-8 hours of sleep per night to function
I still feel so so tired
if I even submit to the temptation to lie down (which I inevitably do) then I fall asleep involuntarily
These seem related. Try doing an experiment: get a consistent 7-8 hours of sleep every night (or 90% of nights) for a month. You're not ruining your social life forever, it's just a month. See what happens. See if the result is worth it. Maybe a consistent 7 hours is enough, if you get it every day.
I have a lot of general life & creative goals and I feel a bit overwhelmed with how to manage them
Would it help to focus on things you can actually produce? For instance, a goal like "every week I will make a painting, it can be a crappy painting, but it has to be a painting nonetheless." And then set aside a specific day of the week to make this painting (or whatever your creative goals are).
I almost only have energy for doing one thing after work
This sounds incredibly normal. I don't know of many people who do multiple things on weeknights. That's what Fridays and Saturdays are for. Really mostly Saturdays.
If you want to do more after work, I'd suggest parallelizing some of your activities. If you live with friends, you can hang out more often more easily (just by running into each other in the kitchen, say). If you have a running buddy, you can work out and get your social on. And if all of these are habits and/or recurring events, it's even easier. I get so much more done when I know exactly what I'm doing after work before I even get home.
posted by danceswithlight at 7:00 PM on December 22, 2016
Could you be depressed? Could you be experiencing seasonal affective disorder?
but, I mean, I think that all sounds pretty normal, really, and much like me in my late 20s. I suddenly realized I couldn't do all nighters, needed to prioritize my own health (sleep, exercise, etc), and had to scale back on my ambitions for my life. That might seem sad, but I am so much happier in my mid-thirties than I was at 29. My motto now is "if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no", which makes prioritizing super easy.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 7:23 PM on December 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
but, I mean, I think that all sounds pretty normal, really, and much like me in my late 20s. I suddenly realized I couldn't do all nighters, needed to prioritize my own health (sleep, exercise, etc), and had to scale back on my ambitions for my life. That might seem sad, but I am so much happier in my mid-thirties than I was at 29. My motto now is "if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no", which makes prioritizing super easy.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 7:23 PM on December 22, 2016 [4 favorites]
How did you learn what to prioritize or let go when you have less energy?
I am still working on learning this, but one of the things that I've learned is that if there is a thing that I want/need to do regularly, I have to figure out a way to build it into my schedule. For example, in the past year or so I've discovered that I absolutely need at least a 30-minute walk each day or I start feeling like crap (or going stir-crazy). On work days I get this automatically since I walk to work, but recently I've started going out for a standard loop around the neighbourhood right after breakfast on weekend or holiday mornings, every day, (mostly) without fail. The thing is, I had to build it into my schedule in order for it to happen. (Sleeping in late causes trouble.)
There are a couple of other things that I want to start reliably doing once a week, but I'm still trying to identify suitable blocks of time to assign to them, so they haven't been happening. :/
I've also found that the stress/guilt of worrying about things that I should do but haven't tends to sap my energy to do anything (except for avoidance activities like messing around on Metafilter... *ahem*). I think this is a problem of excessive work-related stress in my life right now. So that might be something to consider whether particular sources of stress are contributing to your sense of being overwhelmed.
posted by heatherlogan at 7:39 PM on December 22, 2016
I am still working on learning this, but one of the things that I've learned is that if there is a thing that I want/need to do regularly, I have to figure out a way to build it into my schedule. For example, in the past year or so I've discovered that I absolutely need at least a 30-minute walk each day or I start feeling like crap (or going stir-crazy). On work days I get this automatically since I walk to work, but recently I've started going out for a standard loop around the neighbourhood right after breakfast on weekend or holiday mornings, every day, (mostly) without fail. The thing is, I had to build it into my schedule in order for it to happen. (Sleeping in late causes trouble.)
There are a couple of other things that I want to start reliably doing once a week, but I'm still trying to identify suitable blocks of time to assign to them, so they haven't been happening. :/
I've also found that the stress/guilt of worrying about things that I should do but haven't tends to sap my energy to do anything (except for avoidance activities like messing around on Metafilter... *ahem*). I think this is a problem of excessive work-related stress in my life right now. So that might be something to consider whether particular sources of stress are contributing to your sense of being overwhelmed.
posted by heatherlogan at 7:39 PM on December 22, 2016
I do agree with getting a physical and some bloodwork, but most of this just sounds so normal. Including the stressing out over it. Getting older means, yes, you need sleep, you can't live off junk food, all those things -- totally normal.
One thing I find helpful is to ask if today was a good, productive day FOR ME, RIGHT NOW. Forget about what it was like when I was young and energetic, forget about what other people might be able to get done -- did I do okay, for myself and my own abilities? Yes? Then hooray for me.
The year before I last I probably did too much, and I ended up with a lot of health problems, some old ones that got a lot worse, and some new ones, and I wonder if I didn't just do myself in, at 39/40. I had a lot more on my calendar -- and it wasn't even that much by some people's standards -- and burnt out. Be kind to yourself, and don't use other people, including a younger you, as a metric for how things should be right now. If you need to set limits, set them. If you need 7-8 hours sleep (I am a dysfunctional mess who doesn't even drive a car on less than 8, and generally need more than 8), you need it; there's no way to talk your body out of that. If you have a little spare cash, indulge in something like more luxurious bedding, as one of your priorities is now simply getting the right amount of sleep. Insufficient ditto is associated with a number of health hassles, so you'll only end up worse off if you try fighting it with coffee &c. Look at sleep as a luxury good -- it's part of why so many old people like naps -- they function better with naps, and they know it.
posted by kmennie at 7:41 PM on December 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
One thing I find helpful is to ask if today was a good, productive day FOR ME, RIGHT NOW. Forget about what it was like when I was young and energetic, forget about what other people might be able to get done -- did I do okay, for myself and my own abilities? Yes? Then hooray for me.
The year before I last I probably did too much, and I ended up with a lot of health problems, some old ones that got a lot worse, and some new ones, and I wonder if I didn't just do myself in, at 39/40. I had a lot more on my calendar -- and it wasn't even that much by some people's standards -- and burnt out. Be kind to yourself, and don't use other people, including a younger you, as a metric for how things should be right now. If you need to set limits, set them. If you need 7-8 hours sleep (I am a dysfunctional mess who doesn't even drive a car on less than 8, and generally need more than 8), you need it; there's no way to talk your body out of that. If you have a little spare cash, indulge in something like more luxurious bedding, as one of your priorities is now simply getting the right amount of sleep. Insufficient ditto is associated with a number of health hassles, so you'll only end up worse off if you try fighting it with coffee &c. Look at sleep as a luxury good -- it's part of why so many old people like naps -- they function better with naps, and they know it.
posted by kmennie at 7:41 PM on December 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
I love the book Enough by John Naish
Everyone else's suggestions are great for examining one side of your dilemma, but the following quote also changed the way I thought about living my life:
"Yes, your brain feels immotral; yes, it whispers that (in the poet Walt Whitman's words) you can contain multitudes; yes, your brain says that you can have it all and do everything. These egotistic inklings are all turned up loud and proud by consumer culture's persistent promises of infinite self-realisation. But in fact no, your brain isn't immortal and you can't have it all. Those are just convictions that your head evolved to persuade your body out of bed on damp mornings. We are human and limited, and we have to live within our lives' realistic limits for them to be sustainable and satisfiable. We can hit personal bests in our time but there will be many others things that we won't ever see, be, own or do. Enoughism requires us to accept that the carrot of infinite promise will always dangle just beyond our noses. Embracing this fact is a path to contentment." [emphasis mine]
Good luck!
posted by kadia_a at 1:15 AM on December 23, 2016 [6 favorites]
Everyone else's suggestions are great for examining one side of your dilemma, but the following quote also changed the way I thought about living my life:
"Yes, your brain feels immotral; yes, it whispers that (in the poet Walt Whitman's words) you can contain multitudes; yes, your brain says that you can have it all and do everything. These egotistic inklings are all turned up loud and proud by consumer culture's persistent promises of infinite self-realisation. But in fact no, your brain isn't immortal and you can't have it all. Those are just convictions that your head evolved to persuade your body out of bed on damp mornings. We are human and limited, and we have to live within our lives' realistic limits for them to be sustainable and satisfiable. We can hit personal bests in our time but there will be many others things that we won't ever see, be, own or do. Enoughism requires us to accept that the carrot of infinite promise will always dangle just beyond our noses. Embracing this fact is a path to contentment." [emphasis mine]
Good luck!
posted by kadia_a at 1:15 AM on December 23, 2016 [6 favorites]
Another chiming in to say, yes, 30 is when this really hit. Look at it as a gift: it will teach you to prioritize. And be gentle with yourself!
posted by fiercecupcake at 8:01 AM on December 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by fiercecupcake at 8:01 AM on December 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
Time management is a skill. It can be developed and practiced. Try getting a time management app or breaking down your days on a calendar in more fine grained detail. I'm guessing that you (like me) tend have a bunch of ambitious projects in flight, but you get overwhelmed with commitments and then end up feeling burnt out. I think if you start mapping out exactly where your time is going every day you will find places where your priorities are out of sync with how you're actually budgeting your time. For example, for me the priorities are to get enough sleep and exercise so that I am mentally clear for work and other projects. Make sure you also leave yourself a certain number of hours a week to hang out with friends or meditate or just stare at the wall.
posted by deathpanels at 2:33 PM on December 23, 2016
posted by deathpanels at 2:33 PM on December 23, 2016
Just a bit of anecdotal experience here. I've been a "do all the things" person for ages, and usually I'm pretty successful at managing All the Things (when depression doesn't get in the way). Recently I was feeling tired all. The. Time. Like I'd sleep 7-8 hours a night, wake up, and be tired again two hours later, and dead on my feet by the time I'd been awake six hours. Going to the gym felt utterly exhausting - I felt physically weak and mentally slow.
Then I changed my meal plan and added in a bunch of vegetables that, mostly due to expedience, hadn't been there for a solid couple of months (which was not my normal eating pattern). Within a week I was feeling right back to my usual self.
So, maybe review your food intake and make sure you're getting enough macro and micronutrients?
posted by Urban Winter at 4:41 PM on December 23, 2016
Then I changed my meal plan and added in a bunch of vegetables that, mostly due to expedience, hadn't been there for a solid couple of months (which was not my normal eating pattern). Within a week I was feeling right back to my usual self.
So, maybe review your food intake and make sure you're getting enough macro and micronutrients?
posted by Urban Winter at 4:41 PM on December 23, 2016
« Older Sabotaging myself with lateness and over-sleeping | Is there a term for 'the fear of terrorism'? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
When I did Whole30 eating (strict paleo) I found I no longer needed an afternoon nap -- an amazing thing for me, as I sometimes took two naps a day. I'm not advocating that you follow that program (which some MeFites have criticized), but it's an example of how food can influence energy levels.
Good luck!
posted by jgirl at 3:58 PM on December 22, 2016