how to deal with negative work contact
December 17, 2016 10:25 AM Subscribe
I recently started a new post as a service manager for a small non-profit organisation. One of my volunteers resents me and has also consolidated her power within the organisation so that she is now in a position where I am, in some ways, accountable to her. How do I deal?
I was fortunate enough to be offered a managerial position immediately (literally three weeks) after completing a master's degree. I'm 25 which is younger than some people expected for this position but the hiring team liked me enough to offer me the role though I initially applied for a role with less responsibility. After three months, I feel like I'm getting the hang of things and I've worked hard to start addressing the big issues the previous service manager left behind.
As a voluntary organisation, volunteers are important and valuable to the work that we do. I really am grateful for all our volunteers. However, one of my volunteers has made it abundantly clear to me that she does not feel that I deserve my job. She has made jibes about how I don't have any work experience (untrue). She makes passive-aggressive remarks about my age. She scrutinises every choice I make including taking swipes at me for attending the services that I manage when my assistant is there because I "should have better things to do" and for helping a colleague run an event when one of my colleague's volunteers fell through because again, I "should have better things to do".
She has made comments to our central management team that she doesn't think I deserve my job. If she were any other volunteer, I would just take this in stride and not let it get under my skin. However, this volunteer has a position in my advisory group and she has also started to populate this advisory group with her friends. My line manager adores her, and they also socialise together outside of work which makes me wary of speaking with my manager about the constant undermining by this person. I'm not worried for my job yet but I have also not yet completed my probationary period.
I am young and I know I have a lot to learn, but I am qualified, competent and I have overcome tremendous personal barriers to get to where I am today. I like my job for the most part. I care deeply about my service users. I work hard. I have done more in the few months I've been in my post than my predecessor did in a year. For fuck's sake, I'm working on Christmas to meet the needs of my service users.
How do I cope with someone who makes my work experience so much more negative than it needs to be?
I was fortunate enough to be offered a managerial position immediately (literally three weeks) after completing a master's degree. I'm 25 which is younger than some people expected for this position but the hiring team liked me enough to offer me the role though I initially applied for a role with less responsibility. After three months, I feel like I'm getting the hang of things and I've worked hard to start addressing the big issues the previous service manager left behind.
As a voluntary organisation, volunteers are important and valuable to the work that we do. I really am grateful for all our volunteers. However, one of my volunteers has made it abundantly clear to me that she does not feel that I deserve my job. She has made jibes about how I don't have any work experience (untrue). She makes passive-aggressive remarks about my age. She scrutinises every choice I make including taking swipes at me for attending the services that I manage when my assistant is there because I "should have better things to do" and for helping a colleague run an event when one of my colleague's volunteers fell through because again, I "should have better things to do".
She has made comments to our central management team that she doesn't think I deserve my job. If she were any other volunteer, I would just take this in stride and not let it get under my skin. However, this volunteer has a position in my advisory group and she has also started to populate this advisory group with her friends. My line manager adores her, and they also socialise together outside of work which makes me wary of speaking with my manager about the constant undermining by this person. I'm not worried for my job yet but I have also not yet completed my probationary period.
I am young and I know I have a lot to learn, but I am qualified, competent and I have overcome tremendous personal barriers to get to where I am today. I like my job for the most part. I care deeply about my service users. I work hard. I have done more in the few months I've been in my post than my predecessor did in a year. For fuck's sake, I'm working on Christmas to meet the needs of my service users.
How do I cope with someone who makes my work experience so much more negative than it needs to be?
Did this person apply for your position?
Now that you've got the lay of the land for improvements, can you start delegating tasks? Putting them to work on your plan is a great way to establish managerial boundaries.
posted by rhizome at 10:41 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Now that you've got the lay of the land for improvements, can you start delegating tasks? Putting them to work on your plan is a great way to establish managerial boundaries.
posted by rhizome at 10:41 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Came in to post essentially what Lyn Never said.
People like this love sideways comments, routing complaints through gossip channels, and whispering behind backs. They're not good at being spoken to directly. The key is for you to remain calm and professional, easier said than done, I know.
And no, you are not accountable to her. She is a volunteer and you are a manager.
You may find she does indeed have more power than you in the organization. If that's the case, I gently suggest you start looking for a new job because that's a dysfunctional place. It's not worth your energy to fix stuff like that because you can't. I'm thinking of a non profit in my community that was dysfunctional when I worked there 15 years ago. I got out as soon as I could get a better job (it took 8 months) and I am glad, because nothing has changed since I left. They still chew up newcomers and spit them out and the useless old guard remains.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:43 AM on December 17, 2016 [8 favorites]
People like this love sideways comments, routing complaints through gossip channels, and whispering behind backs. They're not good at being spoken to directly. The key is for you to remain calm and professional, easier said than done, I know.
And no, you are not accountable to her. She is a volunteer and you are a manager.
You may find she does indeed have more power than you in the organization. If that's the case, I gently suggest you start looking for a new job because that's a dysfunctional place. It's not worth your energy to fix stuff like that because you can't. I'm thinking of a non profit in my community that was dysfunctional when I worked there 15 years ago. I got out as soon as I could get a better job (it took 8 months) and I am glad, because nothing has changed since I left. They still chew up newcomers and spit them out and the useless old guard remains.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:43 AM on December 17, 2016 [8 favorites]
Also, start keeping a record of everything, in the event she starts trying to undermine you in more serious ways.
posted by rhizome at 10:43 AM on December 17, 2016
posted by rhizome at 10:43 AM on December 17, 2016
Best answer: I would push her to always make her critiques as specific as possible, so that you can discuss things with her objectively. Using a similar tactic to when someone asks you an inappropriate question.
The key is to remember that you don't have to do what she says and you don't need to defend yourself. Try to put your concerns about her feelings about you out of your mind. Unless she tells you straight up that it is personal, in which case you can tell her straight up that it's her problem, not yours.
The trick is to be friendly, listen, and try to actually consider her objective advice.
Her: "Are you sure you should be doing this?"
You: "Why do you ask?"
Her: "There are other things that are more important."
You: "Like what?"
Her: "Like filing the paperwork."
If her advice is helpful:
You: Huh. You may be right, I would be open to trying that. I would like it if you told me directly what you thought we should try next time. It is hard for me to guess what is in your head!
If her advice is unhelpful:
You: Why do you think filing the paperwork is more important?
....
Ad nauseum. She will eventually give up and leave you alone.
If and when she criticizes you personally for lack of experience, age or other things beyond your control, you can tell her firmly that you can't change those things, nor will you, and that you are open to constructive and productive feedback, but that personal attacks will not be tolerated.
posted by pazazygeek at 10:57 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
The key is to remember that you don't have to do what she says and you don't need to defend yourself. Try to put your concerns about her feelings about you out of your mind. Unless she tells you straight up that it is personal, in which case you can tell her straight up that it's her problem, not yours.
The trick is to be friendly, listen, and try to actually consider her objective advice.
Her: "Are you sure you should be doing this?"
You: "Why do you ask?"
Her: "There are other things that are more important."
You: "Like what?"
Her: "Like filing the paperwork."
If her advice is helpful:
You: Huh. You may be right, I would be open to trying that. I would like it if you told me directly what you thought we should try next time. It is hard for me to guess what is in your head!
If her advice is unhelpful:
You: Why do you think filing the paperwork is more important?
....
Ad nauseum. She will eventually give up and leave you alone.
If and when she criticizes you personally for lack of experience, age or other things beyond your control, you can tell her firmly that you can't change those things, nor will you, and that you are open to constructive and productive feedback, but that personal attacks will not be tolerated.
posted by pazazygeek at 10:57 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You also need to loop your manager into this somehow. As a manager nothing is worse than hearing someone is ready to quit over something I had no idea was even going on. You don't have to give her a long speech but just send her an email every time the woman challenges your decisions and say "A said that in the pas they did this in way X, just checking in with you as we did it in Way Y. I think Y was better because of reasons a, b and c and I settled the matter with her and plan to continue but she's on the advisory committee so giving you a heads up in in case it comes up later with them". 3 or 4 of those and I'd have a MAJOR problem with anyone, even a friend, telling my direct reports how to do their jobs and challenging their/my decisions.
If you are really sneaky you'd get your manager on board with a decision you know she'll challenge ahead of time in writing. Then when she challenges it send her to your boss. The best is a tiny decisions like cupcakes vs muffins where there is no reason for her to even care. It makes her look like an as and annoys your manager mightily.
posted by fshgrl at 11:02 AM on December 17, 2016
If you are really sneaky you'd get your manager on board with a decision you know she'll challenge ahead of time in writing. Then when she challenges it send her to your boss. The best is a tiny decisions like cupcakes vs muffins where there is no reason for her to even care. It makes her look like an as and annoys your manager mightily.
posted by fshgrl at 11:02 AM on December 17, 2016
Things that she might like to hear (which you probably take as a given, but she may not if she's from a more hierarchical culture -- which includes most people not very carefully educated):
- Managers are there to help and serve people like her. Counteract the idea that as a manager you are somehow "above" her.
- You really need her (be careful not to say "people like her" -- almost no one likes to be treated as an interchangeable member of a group). Not just for mindless tasks - beginner volunteers are for that. You need her specific experience, network, and above all, her specific talents.
- You see her clearly as an individual and you recognize what makes her unique.
- You have worked really, really hard, and other people have worked hard to help you, to make yourself into a useful person who can serve her well. You are a product of an educational system that thousands of individuals have contributed to, just so that you could be here now.
posted by amtho at 11:02 AM on December 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
- Managers are there to help and serve people like her. Counteract the idea that as a manager you are somehow "above" her.
- You really need her (be careful not to say "people like her" -- almost no one likes to be treated as an interchangeable member of a group). Not just for mindless tasks - beginner volunteers are for that. You need her specific experience, network, and above all, her specific talents.
- You see her clearly as an individual and you recognize what makes her unique.
- You have worked really, really hard, and other people have worked hard to help you, to make yourself into a useful person who can serve her well. You are a product of an educational system that thousands of individuals have contributed to, just so that you could be here now.
posted by amtho at 11:02 AM on December 17, 2016 [3 favorites]
Do whatever you can to get her buy-in. You want her to feel like her opinion matters (no matter how much you think it doesn't). Ask her questions about her experience volunteering there. What has she seen other managers do that she thought worked? What has she seen that didn't work? When she says you should have better things to do, what better things does she think you should be doing? She wants to feel important. Make her feel important.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 11:11 AM on December 17, 2016
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 11:11 AM on December 17, 2016
Best answer: I would be wary of asking what she thinks you should be doing - that implies she gets a say, and she doesn't. I might phrase it as, "oh, in the past did the services manager not do this?" and see what she says. Reinforce that you are doing this task because you need to know how this event works so you can improve it / a volunteer cancelled / etc.
When she's not actively undermining you, starting a conversation with her about organizational history should help you figure out what her issue is. It's great that she's bringing so many friends to volunteer, thank her and ask how she knows them, how she got them involved, etc. Show interest in her as a person and try to get her refocused on something (family members / pets / other hobbies) that isn't how much you suck.
Definitely loop in your manager. If your manager socializes with the volunteer, she probably also will have good advice on how to handle the situation / what concerns underlie her behavior, and it'll give you a feel for whether management actually cares what she thinks or is humoring her. You should also proactively check in with your manager about how you spend your time to get in front of the criticism.
posted by momus_window at 11:28 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
When she's not actively undermining you, starting a conversation with her about organizational history should help you figure out what her issue is. It's great that she's bringing so many friends to volunteer, thank her and ask how she knows them, how she got them involved, etc. Show interest in her as a person and try to get her refocused on something (family members / pets / other hobbies) that isn't how much you suck.
Definitely loop in your manager. If your manager socializes with the volunteer, she probably also will have good advice on how to handle the situation / what concerns underlie her behavior, and it'll give you a feel for whether management actually cares what she thinks or is humoring her. You should also proactively check in with your manager about how you spend your time to get in front of the criticism.
posted by momus_window at 11:28 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
Came back to recommend a book. When I was a General Manager with a franchised pizza chain, our franchise owner had us all read Three Signs of a Miserable Job, by Patrick M. Lencioni. (It's since been re-published under the title The Truth About Employee Engagement: A Fable About Addressing the Three Root Causes of Job Misery.)
On the Amazon page for the book, there's an interview with the author. He's asked, what are the three signs? His answer:
The first is anonymity, which is the feeling that employees get when they realize that their manager has little interest in them a human being and that they know little about their lives, their aspirations and their interests.
The second sign is irrelevance, which takes root when employees cannot see how their job makes a difference in the lives of others. Every employee needs to know that the work they do impacts someone’s life--a customer, a co-worker, even a supervisor--in one way or another.
The third sign is something I call "immeasurement," which is the inability of employees to assess for themselves their contribution or success. Employees who have no means of measuring how well they are doing on a given day or in a given week, must rely on the subjective opinions of others, usually their managers’, to gauge their progress or contribution.
Reading this book helped me improve my management style, made my employees feel more valued, and as a result, grew our sales. I love it, and I think it might offer some insights for you.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 11:34 AM on December 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
On the Amazon page for the book, there's an interview with the author. He's asked, what are the three signs? His answer:
The first is anonymity, which is the feeling that employees get when they realize that their manager has little interest in them a human being and that they know little about their lives, their aspirations and their interests.
The second sign is irrelevance, which takes root when employees cannot see how their job makes a difference in the lives of others. Every employee needs to know that the work they do impacts someone’s life--a customer, a co-worker, even a supervisor--in one way or another.
The third sign is something I call "immeasurement," which is the inability of employees to assess for themselves their contribution or success. Employees who have no means of measuring how well they are doing on a given day or in a given week, must rely on the subjective opinions of others, usually their managers’, to gauge their progress or contribution.
Reading this book helped me improve my management style, made my employees feel more valued, and as a result, grew our sales. I love it, and I think it might offer some insights for you.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 11:34 AM on December 17, 2016 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: rhizome, as far as I am aware, she was uninterested in the vacancy when it was offered.
The Almighty Mommy Goddess, I might have to clarify something about this--I do value this volunteer as a person and I tell her all the time how important her contributions are. I am fine with constructive professional feedback. The issue is when she feels it necessary to attack personal attributes of mine that I cannot change. Her thoughts on work topics matter, but her thoughts about me personally are irrelevant and hurtful.
posted by quadrant seasons at 11:43 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
The Almighty Mommy Goddess, I might have to clarify something about this--I do value this volunteer as a person and I tell her all the time how important her contributions are. I am fine with constructive professional feedback. The issue is when she feels it necessary to attack personal attributes of mine that I cannot change. Her thoughts on work topics matter, but her thoughts about me personally are irrelevant and hurtful.
posted by quadrant seasons at 11:43 AM on December 17, 2016 [1 favorite]
If your organization has a Code of Conduct, maybe it could somehow be referenced in relation to her behavior. Relatedly, perhaps there's something innate about the org's mission such that her actions can be discussed as contrary to it.
posted by rhizome at 11:49 AM on December 17, 2016
posted by rhizome at 11:49 AM on December 17, 2016
Best answer: Re: the age related digs- can you find a way of laughing about this, openly, in a way that suggests that this is her little bug bear which is obviously a quirk of hers but not to be taken seriously at all? Like kind of (gently, diplomatically) tease her about it almost? Pretend you find her so amusing?
Tricky to pull off but I've see other people at work do this very well on this issue and it really robs the criticism (which is, of course, actually ridiculous) of its punch.
Also- remember yourself that this is indeed ridiculous. To attack you for being young- from the sidelines- is sooo deeply unprofessional and petty and irrelevant to your actual expertise and skill. If you turn out to be hopelessly inexperienced and all she's said is true- she's still been all of those terrible things. And people will probably suspect that she was a contributor to your demise. That is the worst case scenario.
posted by jojobobo at 6:27 PM on December 17, 2016
Tricky to pull off but I've see other people at work do this very well on this issue and it really robs the criticism (which is, of course, actually ridiculous) of its punch.
Also- remember yourself that this is indeed ridiculous. To attack you for being young- from the sidelines- is sooo deeply unprofessional and petty and irrelevant to your actual expertise and skill. If you turn out to be hopelessly inexperienced and all she's said is true- she's still been all of those terrible things. And people will probably suspect that she was a contributor to your demise. That is the worst case scenario.
posted by jojobobo at 6:27 PM on December 17, 2016
Best answer: She is probably jealous. Here you are, a go-getter, in your 20s, already in a managerial role. So many of us didn't have the guts to go for a role like that, even if it had been offered.
If you can, try to filter her comments through a ledge of compassion. Instead of hearing, "She's attacking me because of my age AGAIN," which is, of course, true, try to frame it as, "Okay, she probably didn't receive the support I did/have the breaks I did to get me where I am."
Also, if you can genuinely find an area for her to excel in and regularly praise her in public and to your manager, that would probably help, as well as shore up your position. If you are praised for something that she had a hand in, accept the praise, but don't forget to acknowledge her contribution, preferably in public.
If nothing else, this will give you a chance to practice dealing with entrenched and/or difficult volunteers, which is an invaluable skill in non-profit management.
posted by dancing_angel at 11:18 PM on December 17, 2016
If you can, try to filter her comments through a ledge of compassion. Instead of hearing, "She's attacking me because of my age AGAIN," which is, of course, true, try to frame it as, "Okay, she probably didn't receive the support I did/have the breaks I did to get me where I am."
Also, if you can genuinely find an area for her to excel in and regularly praise her in public and to your manager, that would probably help, as well as shore up your position. If you are praised for something that she had a hand in, accept the praise, but don't forget to acknowledge her contribution, preferably in public.
If nothing else, this will give you a chance to practice dealing with entrenched and/or difficult volunteers, which is an invaluable skill in non-profit management.
posted by dancing_angel at 11:18 PM on December 17, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
Otherwise, you need to do something on the spot. Turn it back on her to fix, "Hey, you keep saying that, what alternate outcome would you like right now?"
Just offer her a stage for her deeply-felt values, out of a sincere and deep concern that she has something she wants to say and needs to feel heard. Either she will take it, or she will figure out she didn't actually need to be heard so bad and this is no longer a fun game.
And then she can go fuck herself, as far as you're concerned.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:31 AM on December 17, 2016 [21 favorites]