How do I propose to my girlfriend without an official ring?

October 25, 2016 11:45 AM

I want to propose to my girlfriend. I'm planning on using some stones from her family (and some new ones as well) in the final version of her engagement ring. However, she has pretty particular tastes, so I'd like to include her in the design process (although I do have an idea in mind). In lieu of giving her an "official" engagement ring, what do I give her when I propose? Thanks for your idea.
posted by Fister Roboto to Human Relations (40 answers total)

I received a novelty ring from a Halloween cupcake. Seriously. It was great because I love Halloween, and I'm also pretty...uh...choosy about jewelry. It also makes a great story!

So anything vaguely ring-like that appeals to her personality and interests could work.
posted by wintersweet at 11:51 AM on October 25, 2016 [11 favorites]

I came in to say Ring Pop, but wintersweet essentially beat me to it.
posted by Etrigan at 11:54 AM on October 25, 2016 [4 favorites]

Agreed with the above posts! On preview - yes, I was going to say Cracker Jack. You could also propose at an event, and make the ring's theme relate to the event, or have it relate to what you're doing or the place you're at. My SO proposed with a baby oak tree with pictures of all the events we'd been to so far. It was SO sweet, and obviously not a ring (which was late coming in from the jewler).
posted by onecircleaday at 11:56 AM on October 25, 2016

We had a very similar situation. My husband picked out a pretty ring that was not as expensive as the engagement ring would be and proposed with that. I love that ring and wear it occasionally, too. It was a brushed steel with a tiny suspended diamond, so in the traditional engagement ring family, but not similar to what I eventually got.
posted by LKWorking at 11:56 AM on October 25, 2016 [2 favorites]

I think this depends on your particular circumstances and preferences. Among my friends and acquaintances, proposals have been marked with:
1) a ring pop
2) a cute but inexpensive costume jewelry ring that the bride now wears as everyday jewelry
3) a preposterously large "diamond" ring, like, so big no one could ever think it was real.
4) nothing, just the question (this was me, it was still very exciting)
5) a pipe cleaner ring
6) a new toilet (they were renovating their house).

All of those unions are, to my knowledge, still going strong.
So I think you have a lot of options here.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 11:56 AM on October 25, 2016 [10 favorites]

I used up 4 quarters in a gumball type machine until I got the fake ring with the purple "stone". I gave that to my wife and we shopped together for the official ring. I still have that 25 cent ring in the safe deposit box.
posted by AugustWest at 11:57 AM on October 25, 2016 [4 favorites]

In addition to those, my spouse went with:
7) Earrings, which were loosely related to what a potential engagement ring might look like (gold and stones), but small and simple enough to not be too pricey.
posted by acm at 11:58 AM on October 25, 2016 [2 favorites]

I think a pre-engagement ring, whatever fits your budget, would be cute. You can find nice, unique things on Etsy for about $50.
posted by nakedmolerats at 11:58 AM on October 25, 2016

I know a similarly discerning woman who was proposed to with the stones themselves.
posted by dotparker at 12:03 PM on October 25, 2016 [6 favorites]

Ringpop is the obvious choice, but giving her something that she can keep with no risk of spoiling would be nice. I def. like the gumball machine ring idea, as well as the ludicrously large fake diamond ring as well. She could still wear it as costume jewelry on her other hand if she wanted.

or you can propose with something totally unrelated to rings or jewelry. I have a friend who proposed to his wife with kayaks. I proposed to my husband with a bbq. Maybe just find something that you know would be meaningful to her and propose with that.
- A 1st edition to her favourite book.
- A signed band t-shirt.
- A bottle of her favourite wine/whiskey/whatever that you can drink on the day when you get the actual ring.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:08 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

I got a very large nut (the hardware kind) that fit on my finger. But I am an engineer and found that awesome. YMMV.
posted by olinerd at 12:09 PM on October 25, 2016 [6 favorites]

My husband just asked the question, which was plenty exciting enough, especially given the location (gorgeous waterfall in Hawaii). Completely and totally worked for me, and I loved being involved in designing the ring!
posted by bananacabana at 12:12 PM on October 25, 2016 [3 favorites]

My husband used nothing, and that was fine.

But an inexpensive other type of ring (maybe a birthstone ring, or a plain band) would also have been very nice (and I might have traveled with the placeholder, as although my ring is not particularly fancy, I do fear losing it in foreign locales).

I personally would have liked this better than a novelty solution, I think.
posted by vunder at 12:12 PM on October 25, 2016 [4 favorites]

You don't even need to have an object to propose - but doing something that's meaningful to the two of you is great. The "Will you marry me?" fortune in a fortune cookie is a great one, spelling it out in sand on the beach, or just asking in a place that's special to the two of you. If you're into the one-knee thing, you can do that and take her hand and she'll know what you're doing!

My husband proposed on the beach at night without a ring, which was plenty romantic, and we did go ring shopping together a few months afterward. Before I had the ring, lots of people asked about it. So I would tell her right away that you plan to have her input on making the ring.
posted by Pearl928 at 12:16 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

Was in a situation where I wanted to propose while we were abroad but also didn't want to risk losing an engagement ring in my luggage while we were traveling, so I went on Etsy and got a little silver stamped "posey" ring. Cost less than forty bucks, and I was able to inscribe our initials and date of engagement. Proposed with that and told her that the engagement ring was waiting at home. She loved wearing it throughout the rest of our trip.

Wife still loves the ring and uses it as her "travel" ring to this day when we go abroad.
posted by Karaage at 12:17 PM on October 25, 2016 [10 favorites]

if you're getting your ring custom made, then whatever goldsmith will probably have a sample they can loan you to do this. This is pretty common where I work.

but, what if you get a really nice inlaid ring box made or something? I take off my engagement ring quite a bit because it's tourmaline which is kind of fragile, and pretty big, so it's nice that it has a very pretty wooden engagement ring box to live in that my husband got me. some of these are nice

or, if you want to do wedding bands, you could propose with her wedding band (maybe have it engraved with "will you marry me?" That way you still get to surprise her with part of the wedding set?
posted by euphoria066 at 12:20 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

I proposed to my (male) partner without any kind of ring. I thought about doing a ring pop, novelty vending machine ring, etc. but since engagement rings aren't traditional for men anyway, and I wanted to keep the proposal relatively low key, I decided to do something different, anyway.

I proposed on Valentine's Day (ugh I know) and did it by buying 4 really beautiful Valentine cards at a nice stationery shop, then writing "Will" on one, "You" on another, "Marry" on a third, and "Me?" on the last. You don't actually have to do the "down on one knee with a ring" deal if something else is equally meaningful to you guys.

(My now-fiance guessed what was happening on card 2, by the way.)
posted by Sara C. at 12:23 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

I, too, have very particular tastes in rings, which is part of the reason my now-fiance and I went ring-shopping together and he proposed to me with a ring he already knew I liked. It was also sort of a compromise with us where "proposing" was important to him but "passively waiting to be proposed to" was extremely not OK with me.
posted by mskyle at 12:30 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

My husband had the stone set in a necklace, so I could wear it during the months that we went through the process of designing our custom rings.
posted by matildaben at 12:30 PM on October 25, 2016 [3 favorites]

To clarify, we both shopped for engagement rings for each other in the days after the proposal. I also wore a costume jewelry dummy ring with jasper instead of a traditional engagement ring stone for a while, because his ring was Amazon Prime eligible while mine was handmade from Etsy.
posted by Sara C. at 12:31 PM on October 25, 2016

I like cheesy stuff, so I would go with a Mood Ring.

Which, of course, has the added bonus of telling you her mood!
posted by NoraCharles at 12:38 PM on October 25, 2016

My husband proposed with an empty ring box that had a little note tucked into the slot about how we could choose a ring together. It was simple and lovely!
posted by ukdanae at 12:39 PM on October 25, 2016 [9 favorites]

I had made it abundantly clear to my boyfriend very early on that he should definitely not pop the question until he was 100% sure he knew the answer, and that the only way he could be 100% sure was if we had talked about it. So, once we had that discussion, we ended up shopping rings together and came up with a list of rings/styles I liked. He picked the specific ring (and didn't tell me which one or when he actually ordered it) and surprised me with the time and place, and it was wonderful.
posted by natabat at 12:47 PM on October 25, 2016 [3 favorites]

I am assuming you guys have discussed marriage and the proposal itself is the surprise, not the whole being-ready-to-commit thing, right? In that case, why don't you start ring-shopping and designing now, and then when it's ready you can still do a surprise proposal? I picked my own ring out on Etsy but I had no idea when it shipped or delivered, and my husband proposed while we were on vacation. I knew it'd happen, but I didn't know exactly when, and being able to wear the ring immediately and post on Facebook and all that was super great!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 12:52 PM on October 25, 2016 [2 favorites]

You could put a picture of your initial design in a ring box. I think that's a pretty clear indicator of Ring to Come.
posted by meemzi at 1:01 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

My vote is for a simple gold band, with the explanation that you'll work together on the actual engagement ring, but then my wedding ring is custom made of wood, so I'm not much for tradition. Unless you're both really goofy and non-traditional, I don't like the Ring Pop idea.
posted by cnc at 1:17 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

I would not be too excited about saving the remains of a Ring Pop for decades -- and I would feel compelled to save it, despite its unattractiveness and fundamental disposability. An extremely simple 'placeholder' would be nice, and, as mentioned by vunder, useful for travel.
posted by kmennie at 1:17 PM on October 25, 2016

Flower ring, Robin Hood and Maid Marian style?
posted by Hermione Granger at 1:59 PM on October 25, 2016

My husband wanted to have his father make our ring and I told him that I wanted him to propose first with a placeholder and then we could talk to his dad together. He got me a nice raw diamond ring ... that I fell in love with and became my official engagement ring. I mean, it was the one he proposed with and that felt special. So that might be a possibility if you get a nice one, whether you intend it to or not.
posted by dame at 2:11 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

if you know her size, one of these plastic ring sizers in a ring box?

https://www.etsy.com/listing/106577180/snap-out-plastic-ring-sizer-and-zip-tie
posted by randomkeystrike at 2:20 PM on October 25, 2016

Yes, an inexpensive placeholder ring is a very nice way to do this. My husband did that, and it was especially nice because when it turned out to be too large for my finger we could go buy another without worrying about the $18 price tag (and he wore the original for the rest of our engagement, cuz it fit him and feminism is very attractive).
posted by ldthomps at 2:20 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

My husband proposed to me without a ring. Not a problem at all. I am definitely in the "pick out/design the ring together" camp, so I advocate this process for sure, whether or not you have a stand-in during the proposal.
posted by radioamy at 2:28 PM on October 25, 2016

If you're designing it, small, framed sketch, in a completely non ring looking box.
posted by kellyblah at 2:43 PM on October 25, 2016

Guyagonalize proposed with a ring he'd fashioned out of a paper towel he purloined from the restaurant we'd had dinner at earlier in the evening. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but I thought it was perfectly charming. I still have it somewhere, and it's been a sweet reminder of all the joy that can come from humble beginnings.
posted by Diagonalize at 3:43 PM on October 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

Stones + washer or other metal ring from hardware store + chinese instructions in ring box. "I tried to put it together, but I think we might have to go to a jeweler"
posted by sexyrobot at 4:09 PM on October 25, 2016 [3 favorites]

I like the idea of presenting the stones. If you know the metal and general ring size, maybe also have the band part? So you would have all the parts, with the idea that you put both put it together during the design process. I think there could be a lot of nice symbology in that.
posted by Vaike at 5:37 PM on October 25, 2016

My husband proposed without a ring. I honestly didn't know it was so common to propose with one. I'd hate someone else to pick out jewelry for me.
posted by gaspode at 8:54 PM on October 25, 2016 [2 favorites]

I read a whole bunch of similar questions on this very subject a few months ago.

I got a placeholder ring from berricle.com for the proposal and we went shopping for a "real" ring together shortly afterwards. Now she has the ring that she wants (and is very happy with) and she also has a backup ring if she's travelling etc.
posted by sinical at 10:44 PM on October 25, 2016

Got proposed to last week with a 3D printed ring. It's in my favourite colour and I love it. There is an heirloom ring we'll probably go with. The fun part is watching people valiantly trying to hold their expressions when they see it! I enjoy being unconventional though.
posted by freethefeet at 2:20 AM on October 26, 2016

I proposed with this insane vintage cat ring I found on Etsy. For a couple of minutes she thought it was meant to be the Real Actual Engagement Ring. photo

Reader, she married me anyway.
posted by The Prawn Reproach at 6:58 AM on October 26, 2016 [4 favorites]