Break my daughter's heart or get sicker
October 21, 2016 3:04 PM Subscribe
I have come to the realisation that I can no longer safely or humanely look after the 2 cats my daughter grew up with. It is not fair to them, my neighbours, my landlord, and I am unwell and it is difficult for me. But my daughter has gone through so much in the past few years, bulimia, OCD, anxiety, depression, at least 2 rapes, her grandmother died, her father went to prison for a horrible crime. She can't take the cats on, she lives in a high rise on a limited income. There is no one else. I can't face telling her that I need to find a new home for them, and causing her more grief, but I can't keep doing this. It's too hard. I also love the cats but I'm not being a good enough kitty mama. What do I do?
I feel for your daughter, but if they're her cats, she's an adult who is not living with you, and she doesn't feel that she can take them on at this time, you guys need to start working together to decide on next steps.
You mention that she can't take the cats, but then you also give kind of off the wall reasons for that. For example, I've known many people who live in high rise apartment buildings who have cats. I myself live in an apartment with two cats. Now, maybe her building doesn't allow pets, which would be a dealbreaker. But it might be worth working a little more with her to figure out what it is about her apartment building that makes it not ideal for cats. For example, it would probably be better for them to become indoor cats than to end up in a shelter.
If money is the real obstacle here, and you can afford the cats but don't have the ability to care for them, could you pay to support them in her home? Honestly my partner and I spend around the same amount on our cats every month as we spend on our Netflix subscription, so unless they are special needs cats or your daughter is in extremely dire financial straights, this is a bit of a red herring.
Assuming that there's really no way she can take the cats, there doesn't seem to be any real solution beyond rehoming them. Note that it's usually very difficult to find new homes for adult cats, especially cats that are bonded to each other and can't be separated. Unless cats are absolutely verboten in your daughter's apartment, you should probably look into what it would take for your daughter to care for them full time rather than giving them up.
posted by Sara C. at 3:23 PM on October 21, 2016 [14 favorites]
You mention that she can't take the cats, but then you also give kind of off the wall reasons for that. For example, I've known many people who live in high rise apartment buildings who have cats. I myself live in an apartment with two cats. Now, maybe her building doesn't allow pets, which would be a dealbreaker. But it might be worth working a little more with her to figure out what it is about her apartment building that makes it not ideal for cats. For example, it would probably be better for them to become indoor cats than to end up in a shelter.
If money is the real obstacle here, and you can afford the cats but don't have the ability to care for them, could you pay to support them in her home? Honestly my partner and I spend around the same amount on our cats every month as we spend on our Netflix subscription, so unless they are special needs cats or your daughter is in extremely dire financial straights, this is a bit of a red herring.
Assuming that there's really no way she can take the cats, there doesn't seem to be any real solution beyond rehoming them. Note that it's usually very difficult to find new homes for adult cats, especially cats that are bonded to each other and can't be separated. Unless cats are absolutely verboten in your daughter's apartment, you should probably look into what it would take for your daughter to care for them full time rather than giving them up.
posted by Sara C. at 3:23 PM on October 21, 2016 [14 favorites]
I get the impression the OP is in the UK, where "high rise" implies something like "the projects", but, you know, in a tall building with piss in the hallways and not necessarily with a working elevator.
I spend about UK £8 per month on my Netflix subscription. I have three cats. I spend at least £40 per month on litter plus flea/worm prevention; food costs much more. If the OP's daughter is on benefits (which it sounds like she is) the costs could easily exceed a week's income, maybe nearer two weeks.
posted by tel3path at 3:46 PM on October 21, 2016 [8 favorites]
I spend about UK £8 per month on my Netflix subscription. I have three cats. I spend at least £40 per month on litter plus flea/worm prevention; food costs much more. If the OP's daughter is on benefits (which it sounds like she is) the costs could easily exceed a week's income, maybe nearer two weeks.
posted by tel3path at 3:46 PM on October 21, 2016 [8 favorites]
Try to rehome them with someone she would be comfortable with and possibly could visit.
posted by Toddles at 3:47 PM on October 21, 2016
posted by Toddles at 3:47 PM on October 21, 2016
In the end, you have to do what's right for you and for the cats. If your daughter is not living with you, and you don't expect her to live with you anytime soon, these are essentially your cats, not hers.
The various things you feel guilty about are not your fault - I understand that you don't want to add to the pile of things, but I'm sure your daughter (logically) would want you to remain healthy, rather than hurt yourself just to keep the cats.
Honestly, I'd start with a frank talk with your daughter. Explain that the kitties are threatening your health, and that you're seeing them suffer as a result. She might be able to help find them a home, if not take them herself. She presumably has a circle of friends, and maybe one of them can take in the cats. Facebook can be helpful for something like this. Much better for the cats to go to a friend of a friend if possible.
Good luck.
posted by hydra77 at 3:48 PM on October 21, 2016 [5 favorites]
The various things you feel guilty about are not your fault - I understand that you don't want to add to the pile of things, but I'm sure your daughter (logically) would want you to remain healthy, rather than hurt yourself just to keep the cats.
Honestly, I'd start with a frank talk with your daughter. Explain that the kitties are threatening your health, and that you're seeing them suffer as a result. She might be able to help find them a home, if not take them herself. She presumably has a circle of friends, and maybe one of them can take in the cats. Facebook can be helpful for something like this. Much better for the cats to go to a friend of a friend if possible.
Good luck.
posted by hydra77 at 3:48 PM on October 21, 2016 [5 favorites]
As absolutely reasonable and loving as it is to not want to cause her more grief, sometimes the world makes it unavoidable. This is unfortunately not the worst thing she's ever gone through, or will go through. Hurting yourself to avoid hurting her isn't going to do you or the cats or her, eventually, any good. You can either let her know it's going to happen or wait and tell her when it's a done deal, whichever you think may be slightly less worse.
Maybe check around your local area for a cat rescue that does fostering, as that will at least provide you slightly more peace of mind than taking them to a shelter.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:12 PM on October 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
Maybe check around your local area for a cat rescue that does fostering, as that will at least provide you slightly more peace of mind than taking them to a shelter.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:12 PM on October 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
If the reason you can't care for the cats is your health, and the reason your daughter can't care for them is financial, perhaps you could give your daughter money to help her care for the cats, either via a stipend or reimbursements?
posted by phoenixy at 5:00 PM on October 21, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by phoenixy at 5:00 PM on October 21, 2016 [5 favorites]
It's better for the cats to be with people who can take good care of them and love them, and who don't feel burdened by them. And it's better for the cats' humans to know that the cats are well taken care of, even if you can't get to see them. I empathize; I have an old cat that has been through everything with me, just everything. But I owe him a good, safe home in return, and for a time I couldn't give that to him, and he was fostered in someone else's home.
Enlist her help in finding a place for the cats to be. Just be honest and frank with her. It'll hurt her more in the long run to know that you were suffering because of the cats and you didn't do anything about it out of a desire to not hurt her. She loves YOU, too, in addition to the cats, so you are obligated to take care of yourself.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 8:54 PM on October 21, 2016 [4 favorites]
Enlist her help in finding a place for the cats to be. Just be honest and frank with her. It'll hurt her more in the long run to know that you were suffering because of the cats and you didn't do anything about it out of a desire to not hurt her. She loves YOU, too, in addition to the cats, so you are obligated to take care of yourself.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 8:54 PM on October 21, 2016 [4 favorites]
I agree with the comments above suggesting that if at all possible you rehome them with your daughter and handle their expenses so that this is feasible. If these are cats "she grew up with" then it sounds like she was a child when you got them. To my mind--not to be unsympathetic to your realization that you can't properly care for them any more--this fact ultimately makes them "your" cats and not her cats, and makes you the person responsible for their care, both physical and financial. It is you who took on the responsibility to provide for them to the best of your ability, and if the physical aspect of that ability is no longer there but you're financially able to care for them, then allowing them to live with your daughter but footing the bills is the most compassionate and responsible thing to do, IMHO.
posted by drlith at 12:46 AM on October 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by drlith at 12:46 AM on October 22, 2016 [3 favorites]
I like the ideas above. But please, if you and your daughter can't make it work, It is okay to find them a new home. It's really okay.
posted by cabingirl at 4:16 AM on October 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by cabingirl at 4:16 AM on October 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
First (looking at the tags), you are not a "badpetowner." That would involve...well, it certainly wouldn't involve worrying about the way forward for them. Please don't think of yourself like that.
> She can't take the cats on
Can you elaborate on why? It sounds like she is quite bonded to them, and she may find them more respite than labour after so many difficulties.
I am a broke cat owner who keeps her two around for the sake of (1) the commitment made long ago, (2) not having a heartbroken 9yo. It's not fun. They are aging. One, the most beloved and trustworthy, tried to bite her recently (no skin was broken, but she was quite frightened).
I'll make some undoubtedly extremely unpopular comments: these used to be city cats, living contentedly in a small apartment. They ate expensive food and went to the vet and got walked on leashes through PetSmart stores and lived like most other MetaFilter kitties.
Now they are rural and my health is dodgy. I feed them Costco's Kirkland food; this is going to drop down to the no-name brown bag stuff for barn cats from the local feed-and-seed if need be. They have not seen a vet in years; the money isn't there. We let them indoors as little as possible to minimise having to tidy up after them (probably not an option in a highrise, I know). They get the cheapest grade of litter, scooped and scooped and re-scooped until replacement is a requirement rather than a pleasantry.
Still they are living a life more luxurious than that of the average barn/loose rural cat. They appear content outside -- there is an outbuilding with many places of refuge for them -- and, dreadful as this sounds, cats dropping dead is kind of the norm here; they are left to roam and veterinary care or other pampering is a rarity. This, as far as I understand, was simply the norm not all that long ago -- one's pet cat crapped in a sandbox and ate table scraps; they did not see animal doctors and -- remember pet stores not very many years ago? Here are your kittens from a probably irresponsible breeder, here are some collars, you can find grain-filled chow in the supermarket, fin. Mine are neutered and microchipped, something you rarely heard about not all that long ago; growing up I remember friends with cats and dogs tended to end up with kittens and puppies. Unless you are in ancient Egypt, pre-indulgence-era cat care is, in my view, kosher, especially if it is the best you can do.
Ask has a lot of cat fanciers who figure re-homing should be possible for nearly all cats, but for an elderly pair, this would require a magical stroke of luck and one hell of a cat lover who happened to be very nearby -- there are not a lot of those.
Like you I don't really have options -- older cats who come as a pair are not very adoptable; there is no sense pretending otherwise. If your daughter is able to take them in, I agree that a stipend for food and litter -- no fancy stuff -- would be the way to go.
If she isn't able to take them -- you mention neighbours (irritated?), which makes me think they are at least sometimes outdoors? -- I might put out a flyer to all in kitty distance (1) apologising for any nuisance caused, (2) explaining that you are in ill health, (3) asking if any neighbours would be interested in sharing in a sort of cat co-op care where the kitties can roam with welcome and be fed and petted by all participating parties and become the neighbourhood cats rather than your cats, if that follows? If you can afford it you could offer to provide the neighbours with food, stating that you just don't have the health to provide them with attention, etc.
posted by kmennie at 8:31 AM on October 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
> She can't take the cats on
Can you elaborate on why? It sounds like she is quite bonded to them, and she may find them more respite than labour after so many difficulties.
I am a broke cat owner who keeps her two around for the sake of (1) the commitment made long ago, (2) not having a heartbroken 9yo. It's not fun. They are aging. One, the most beloved and trustworthy, tried to bite her recently (no skin was broken, but she was quite frightened).
I'll make some undoubtedly extremely unpopular comments: these used to be city cats, living contentedly in a small apartment. They ate expensive food and went to the vet and got walked on leashes through PetSmart stores and lived like most other MetaFilter kitties.
Now they are rural and my health is dodgy. I feed them Costco's Kirkland food; this is going to drop down to the no-name brown bag stuff for barn cats from the local feed-and-seed if need be. They have not seen a vet in years; the money isn't there. We let them indoors as little as possible to minimise having to tidy up after them (probably not an option in a highrise, I know). They get the cheapest grade of litter, scooped and scooped and re-scooped until replacement is a requirement rather than a pleasantry.
Still they are living a life more luxurious than that of the average barn/loose rural cat. They appear content outside -- there is an outbuilding with many places of refuge for them -- and, dreadful as this sounds, cats dropping dead is kind of the norm here; they are left to roam and veterinary care or other pampering is a rarity. This, as far as I understand, was simply the norm not all that long ago -- one's pet cat crapped in a sandbox and ate table scraps; they did not see animal doctors and -- remember pet stores not very many years ago? Here are your kittens from a probably irresponsible breeder, here are some collars, you can find grain-filled chow in the supermarket, fin. Mine are neutered and microchipped, something you rarely heard about not all that long ago; growing up I remember friends with cats and dogs tended to end up with kittens and puppies. Unless you are in ancient Egypt, pre-indulgence-era cat care is, in my view, kosher, especially if it is the best you can do.
Ask has a lot of cat fanciers who figure re-homing should be possible for nearly all cats, but for an elderly pair, this would require a magical stroke of luck and one hell of a cat lover who happened to be very nearby -- there are not a lot of those.
Like you I don't really have options -- older cats who come as a pair are not very adoptable; there is no sense pretending otherwise. If your daughter is able to take them in, I agree that a stipend for food and litter -- no fancy stuff -- would be the way to go.
If she isn't able to take them -- you mention neighbours (irritated?), which makes me think they are at least sometimes outdoors? -- I might put out a flyer to all in kitty distance (1) apologising for any nuisance caused, (2) explaining that you are in ill health, (3) asking if any neighbours would be interested in sharing in a sort of cat co-op care where the kitties can roam with welcome and be fed and petted by all participating parties and become the neighbourhood cats rather than your cats, if that follows? If you can afford it you could offer to provide the neighbours with food, stating that you just don't have the health to provide them with attention, etc.
posted by kmennie at 8:31 AM on October 22, 2016 [5 favorites]
Does your daughter live close-by enough to come by regularly and help you take care of the cats? Having an anchor of kitty love like that might be beneficial to her psychologically and also help you out with the physical tasks.
If you decide you need to re-home the cats, take a picture of the two of them together and make up a flyer saying 2 mature cats need new home together due to [reasons]. Then put them up in your local pet-food shop, bookstore, coffee shop, vet's office, etc. But please don't surprise your daughter with it after it's done: it's way better to discuss it in advance and make sure you are both on the same page.
Taking the cats to a shelter may mean prompt euthanasia. But there are things that are worse than that.
15 years ago my crazy mother-in-law told my husband over the phone that she'd driven his beloved childhood cat out to a "nice-looking neighbourhood with lots of cats" and dumped her because she (the cat) was getting old and arthritic.
posted by heatherlogan at 8:58 AM on October 22, 2016
If you decide you need to re-home the cats, take a picture of the two of them together and make up a flyer saying 2 mature cats need new home together due to [reasons]. Then put them up in your local pet-food shop, bookstore, coffee shop, vet's office, etc. But please don't surprise your daughter with it after it's done: it's way better to discuss it in advance and make sure you are both on the same page.
Taking the cats to a shelter may mean prompt euthanasia. But there are things that are worse than that.
15 years ago my crazy mother-in-law told my husband over the phone that she'd driven his beloved childhood cat out to a "nice-looking neighbourhood with lots of cats" and dumped her because she (the cat) was getting old and arthritic.
posted by heatherlogan at 8:58 AM on October 22, 2016
If the building does not allow pets, they may be legally obligated to make an exception for a service animal. If you can get your cats registered as "therapy animals" then this may be one solution to the building's prohibition. This appears to vary by state; some local organizations may be available to you. If you check with your local humane society, they will know.
Here are some links for organizations that help facilitate getting pets registered as therapy animals:
PetParners.org
Love on a Leash
I'd second the "stipend" idea others have mentioned upthread. It's a win-win; she can keep the cats and you are free of the physical burden.
Best of luck!
posted by onecircleaday at 9:41 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
Here are some links for organizations that help facilitate getting pets registered as therapy animals:
PetParners.org
Love on a Leash
I'd second the "stipend" idea others have mentioned upthread. It's a win-win; she can keep the cats and you are free of the physical burden.
Best of luck!
posted by onecircleaday at 9:41 AM on October 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
This must be very hard for you. It sounds as if your daughter is a survivor. She's had an amazing amount to overcome. Though this will be sad - for you both in multiple ways - it is okay to admit that it just isn't possible to continue being a kitty mama. If you feel that it is for the best, you know best. We don't have any idea of the hardships you and your daughter are facing. They will be fine in a new home and your daughter will probably grieve in some way. But it's ok. No one will think you are horrible and she will understand deep down. Good luck with everything.
posted by Lil Bit of Pepper at 8:54 PM on October 22, 2016
posted by Lil Bit of Pepper at 8:54 PM on October 22, 2016
If you are disabled there may be charities that can come in and do the cat care for you in your home.
posted by Mistress at 7:40 AM on October 25, 2016
posted by Mistress at 7:40 AM on October 25, 2016
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