Changing Class Schedule for a Middle Schooler

October 12, 2016 6:21 AM

My 8th grade daughter is avoiding school because she doesn't like the people in her classes. She wants to change homerooms to be in more classes with her friends. I can't figure out if this is a reasonable thing to request from the school, and if so, how to go about doing it to maximize success.

Our family had a very difficult year last year (I was diagnosed with breast cancer last October and successfully treated, my husband [her father] died unexpectedly in April). She has managed pretty well through this. She sleeps well, eats well, has maintained relationships with her friends, kept her grades up, and continues to enjoy her hobbies. If we hadn't had those back-to-back traumas in our family, I would make her tough it out and encourage her to arrange to spend time with her friends outside of school. We don't always get to hang out with the people we like, adversity builds character, etc.

She says the kids in her classes "freak her out." One boy puts kids in headlocks. A girl talks about death all the time and makes a show of laughing at others' pain. She says no one is targeting her for anything; they just make her uncomfortable and her friends have helped her through the dark times in her life.

She's been "sick" (legitimately had a cold; probably could have gone to school) and out of school all this week, and shared all this when I asked if she was avoiding school this morning.

I think under ordinary circumstances it would be reasonable to expect a kid to tough it out a bit, but her circumstances are not ordinary. Heck, I quit my job to basically rest, do yoga, and clean out my house, and she's still maintaining good grades and being responsible. I recognize that scheduling classes for middle schoolers is complex. I'm pretty sure her friends are in the same level of classes (i.e., not in the "gifted" classes, but not in the lowest level classes).

Does it make sense to ask her school to rearrange her schedule to put her in classes with more of her friends? If so, how to I approach the school administration to maximize the chances of being successful? I don't have personal relationships with any of them, but I'm sure they know who I am (my husband's death was covered on the news media and several administrators from her school attended his funeral).

posted by jeoc to Education (21 answers total)

Given what she's been through, I think requesting for her to move classes to be with friends who can give her important emotional support is a perfectly reasonable request.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 6:27 AM on October 12, 2016 [60 favorites]

Adversity doesn't build character. That's just something people who don't want to deal with bullies came up with.
That girl talking about death all the time sounds unbearable to me fir your daughter who just lost her father.
Do your daughter a favour and let her change classes.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 6:32 AM on October 12, 2016 [40 favorites]

Oh man, I am so sorry. I would approach the school with something like this - "I would like to discuss changing my daughter's homeroom. I understand that this is a complicated request which is why I'd like to discuss the extenuating circumstances in person. Are you available on tuesday at 11?"
posted by pintapicasso at 6:38 AM on October 12, 2016 [18 favorites]

I'm sorry you've all had to deal with such terrible times.

I work in special education, and I think a good way to frame this would be to mention she's been through a lot, she WANTS to come to school and do well and most importantly, she's identified something that is making her uncomfortable and anxious, and she's self-advocating for her best possible education.

As long as you note that she is definitely trying, she wants this to work, she has identified issues that are beyond her control and are interfering with her learning, you will get positive results.

If you get pushback, or "It's too late in the year," or "If we change her schedule then we have to change everyone's schedule," resist the urge to scream and keep saying, "I would like to you help my daughter who is self-advocating by stating what she needs to succeed. How soon can you make this change?"

You may need persistence -- even better is getting a teacher who knows her to support this change.

You got this.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:39 AM on October 12, 2016 [27 favorites]

I think any request made with the intention of improving the wellbeing or performance of your child is a reasonable one -- school should be about making sure your kid succeeds, not succeeding despite extreme struggle. This isn't a whim or a selfish thing, it's making sure your daughter does as well as she can.

Since a lot of this is rooted in emotional issues, I would start with a school counselor; they are much more capable of advocating through the proper channels than you might. They're the ones who help get kids IEPs and into remedial classes, they should have no problem helping tweak a schedule to avoid this becoming a larger problem in the future.

On changing: Within one school with multiple english or science teachers, and even with the same teacher, sometimes one class may be ahead or behind of another a little bit, so there may be an adjustment period when your daughter changes classes -- so bolster her to make sure she doesn't immediately think that the change is causing more trouble because she's suddenly behind on homework or doesn't understand the coursework.
posted by AzraelBrown at 6:40 AM on October 12, 2016 [3 favorites]

Another voice for "completely reasonable in the circumstances."

Before approaching the school administration, it might be worth talking to your daughter's homeroom teacher, who might be your strongest advocate within the school and could vouch for the challenging aspects of the particular classroom. If they're on board, they'll also have better information than you (or we) do about the best way to broach this with the administration.
posted by cogitron at 6:42 AM on October 12, 2016 [2 favorites]

On preview the school counselor is also a good place to start. Whoever you talk to, I would start by discussing the *problem* as you laid it out here, with the assumption that they want to help--rather than starting with your desired solution. The schedule change is a pretty obvious solution--you'll get there. But if it's a creative solution they thought of or helped come up with, my cynical take is that they'll be more on board than if they're just cooperating with a parent request.

(That is, people really do want to help! But they actually want to *help*, not just do what they're told.)
posted by cogitron at 6:50 AM on October 12, 2016 [11 favorites]

All of the above suggestions are great, I'll just add that if your daughter is seeing someone for therapy and they're willing to write a letter stating that the change is essential for the well being of the child, it'll happen... at least that's how it works in my district.
posted by Huck500 at 7:37 AM on October 12, 2016 [2 favorites]

Definitely reasonable. My parents worked out exactly this sort of deal for me in middle school, and I was dealing with much less.

Go see a guidance counselor.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:41 AM on October 12, 2016 [1 favorite]

Your daughter is being bullied and it is absolutely reasonable to ask the school to get her out of the class with the bullies in it.

I also had an awful eighth grade year with lots of awful bullying that made me hate school for the first time in my life. When I talked to my parents about it, they told me to ignore it, or sometimes even took the bullies' side. Even if for logistical reasons at the school your daughter can't be moved, she deserves to see that you support and believe her.
posted by Sara C. at 9:52 AM on October 12, 2016 [1 favorite]

Your daughter is being bullied and it is absolutely reasonable to ask the school to get her out of the class with the bullies in it.

While I 100% appreciate the validity of this statement, you have to be really careful about using the word bullying when dealing with schools. There are certain legal things schools have to do once bullying is reported.

If you have the misfortune of getting a by the book kind of administrator, they may glom onto bullying, do their investigation, decide that the situation does not meet the legal standard of bullying, and not let her move classes.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 10:08 AM on October 12, 2016 [3 favorites]

I think all the above advice is great and I agree, it is not an unreasonable request. Good for you for listening to your daughter and advocating on her behalf.
posted by amanda at 10:42 AM on October 12, 2016

It doesn't hurt to ask, and even if it's not successful, you'll be showing your daughter that you take her problems seriously and are willing to advocate for her.
posted by metasarah at 10:54 AM on October 12, 2016 [1 favorite]

I would ask. If they refuse, go see your GP and ask if they can make an anxiety diagnosis. Then you can use that diagnosis to request accommodation of a disability and an Individualized Educational Plan (IEP). (Not sure what it is called where you live.) As part of that, you can ask for a plan to address school refusal...which would be changing the homeroom. However, I would simply start by asking.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 1:20 PM on October 12, 2016 [1 favorite]

It sounds like changing homerooms is a trigger for changing a whole schedule? Not really clear to me how it works in your daughter's school. But if you don't get to change her whole schedule, maybe you can at least get her into a different homeroom, or get permission for her to do her homeroom period in the library or a favorite teacher's classroom or something. The environment you describe sounds toxic, and she doesn't need that, whether she can be with her friends or not.

Good luck.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 3:47 PM on October 12, 2016

I did the same thing in middle school: avoiding classes that were filled with bullies. my grades plummeted and my parents were informed. it really saved me getting the schedule moved around. having friends around can have a big impact.
posted by evilmonk at 4:30 PM on October 12, 2016

Headlock boy is assaulting his classmates. This is NOT something that the school admins should be blowing off.
posted by brujita at 10:21 PM on October 12, 2016

Sara C: Your daughter is being bullied
OP: She says no one is targeting her for anything

Throwing the word 'bullied' around does nobody any good, when there is no evidence of targeted attacks. Tactlessness is not bullying.

OP, your request is 100% reasonable and would be accommodated in all the schools I am involved in. But I would also recommend that you do build some personal relationships with your daughter's teachers. They will appreciate having some more information about ways to care for your daughter.

brujita: Headlock boy is assaulting his classmates. This is NOT something that the school admins should be blowing off.
Who said they were blowing it off? You have just inflated something into something else.
posted by Thella at 1:41 AM on October 13, 2016 [2 favorites]

OP hasn't told us that the school is doing anything to stop him.
posted by brujita at 7:15 AM on October 13, 2016

A lot of kids will say it's OK or nobody is targeting them or they can handle it or whatever. Kids who are begging off school because of "some kids in their class who are mean" are almost always being bullied.

While it might not be best for OP to frame it to the school that way, she ABSOLUTELY should frame it to herself that way, and there's no real downside to "throwing around the term bullying" in this particular situation.

You've got a kid who suddenly has severe anxiety around going to school and trying to do anything to get out of it? You've got a kid who needs to be listened to and supported. Not a kid who should suck it up because honestly from what they've said, it doesn't sound that bad.
posted by Sara C. at 12:46 PM on October 13, 2016

I'm a middle school teacher and I think this is a very reasonable request. I had a student who was extending his sick time at home because a boy in his group made him uncomfortable.

When his parent emailed the principal, it was literally the first I had heard of it or seen anything happen. There was apparently one incident that happened during passing in/around my class where a classmate targeted this student. But because the student and the parent said nothing to me, I didn't know how to help.

So I would start with the teacher and mention it to them. Or go to a school counsellor or psychologist and have them talk to the teacher for/with you. Maybe it's something that needs to be addressed regardless of your daughter, and I would GREATLY appreciate a heads-up if this was happening in my class BEFORE it went to admin.

But from that point, I think it is entirely acceptable to ask that she be placed with at least one friend who is supportive. I would phrase it that way - like, that this particular friend was helpful in the last year due to the difficult circumstances you've dealt with. We hear the "I want to be with my friends!" thing all the time as a reason to change. But by mentioning a particular friend who could be supportive, that would make most administrators more likely to work with you.

Good luck. Memail me if you like - I've been through this on the teacher side. I wish you and your daughter well.
posted by guster4lovers at 10:13 PM on October 13, 2016 [2 favorites]