Raising boys/brothers book list
June 16, 2016 8:01 PM Subscribe
Baby is a boy! Now, I want to read all about raising boys/brothers. Fiction and nonfiction suggestions welcome.
Has the anatomy scan this week and it's definitely a boy. I'm happy, but surprised. I am a teacher, and have lots of experience with boys. But somehow when I thought about myself as a mom, I never thought about it being with a boy. I feel like I am still trying to wrap my head around that a little and just get used to this important (but happy) revelation. I want to have a child I will feel close with and who will feel close with me. I perhaps naively fear that this will be harder with a boy since he will naturally look up to his same-gender parent (who is not me!)
I also have an almost six-year-old stepson whom I adore, who is with us part-time. One of the surprisingly sweetest moments of this whole thing has been his reaction. He is thrilled about the baby. He wanted to have a little brother and is happy to get his wish. I know there is an age gap here, but I am hopeful they can still have a bond together. I am a child of divorce myself and am very aware of potential jealousy issues and so on, and I think I know how to mitigate that. What I want to do is focus instead on the 'yay, a brother!' feeling he has right now hopefully build a home where this feeling is nurtured and where, age difference notwithstanding, they both feel loved, supported and part of a family. I'd love for them to be friends someday. I'd love for them to really feel like good brothers to each other.
I have some time off this summer to catch up on my reading. I'd love some book recommendations for both fiction and non-fiction relating to these topics:
- parenting, with a focus on raising boys in particular
- anything that will be useful to me as a new mother with a boy
- fiction or memoir to inspire me on the theme of mothers and sons
- or same, on the theme of brothers and brotherly bonds
Thank you!
Has the anatomy scan this week and it's definitely a boy. I'm happy, but surprised. I am a teacher, and have lots of experience with boys. But somehow when I thought about myself as a mom, I never thought about it being with a boy. I feel like I am still trying to wrap my head around that a little and just get used to this important (but happy) revelation. I want to have a child I will feel close with and who will feel close with me. I perhaps naively fear that this will be harder with a boy since he will naturally look up to his same-gender parent (who is not me!)
I also have an almost six-year-old stepson whom I adore, who is with us part-time. One of the surprisingly sweetest moments of this whole thing has been his reaction. He is thrilled about the baby. He wanted to have a little brother and is happy to get his wish. I know there is an age gap here, but I am hopeful they can still have a bond together. I am a child of divorce myself and am very aware of potential jealousy issues and so on, and I think I know how to mitigate that. What I want to do is focus instead on the 'yay, a brother!' feeling he has right now hopefully build a home where this feeling is nurtured and where, age difference notwithstanding, they both feel loved, supported and part of a family. I'd love for them to be friends someday. I'd love for them to really feel like good brothers to each other.
I have some time off this summer to catch up on my reading. I'd love some book recommendations for both fiction and non-fiction relating to these topics:
- parenting, with a focus on raising boys in particular
- anything that will be useful to me as a new mother with a boy
- fiction or memoir to inspire me on the theme of mothers and sons
- or same, on the theme of brothers and brotherly bonds
Thank you!
If you keep your baby close to you and openly share yourself, and deflect as much gendering as society (your family and friends the most) tries to put upon your child as you can... then it's not gendered books you need. All good and kind books are cool.
The moment you start working from the position that boys (or girls) are different, the differences start. I wouldn't focus on brotherhood, but siblinghood and familyhood. Much more inclusive.
Congratulations by the way. Babies are wonderful!
(Parent of children who identify as male and as female.)
posted by taff at 9:42 PM on June 16, 2016 [9 favorites]
The moment you start working from the position that boys (or girls) are different, the differences start. I wouldn't focus on brotherhood, but siblinghood and familyhood. Much more inclusive.
Congratulations by the way. Babies are wonderful!
(Parent of children who identify as male and as female.)
posted by taff at 9:42 PM on June 16, 2016 [9 favorites]
Kind of random but I really loved the relationship between the brothers depicted in the book The Thief Lord and the movie that was made of it. Maybe watch it with your stepson (the plot is a bit hard to understand in the back half of the book, but my kids seemed to enjoy it reasonably well.)
I'm glad you're asking this. I found there was a lot of popular fiction that I remember enjoying as a kid, but when I assessed it for my own children, I found depicted sibling relationships that I... really didn't want to normalize for my family. Even Judy Blume's "Fudge" series, which I remember loving -- the antagonism between the brothers is pretty unpleasant to read. And I loved the Great Brain books as a kid but when I looked them over now to see if I should give them to my children, I was horrified.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:45 PM on June 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'm glad you're asking this. I found there was a lot of popular fiction that I remember enjoying as a kid, but when I assessed it for my own children, I found depicted sibling relationships that I... really didn't want to normalize for my family. Even Judy Blume's "Fudge" series, which I remember loving -- the antagonism between the brothers is pretty unpleasant to read. And I loved the Great Brain books as a kid but when I looked them over now to see if I should give them to my children, I was horrified.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:45 PM on June 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Steve Biddulph’s Raising Boys is excellent. I say this as the parent of two boys!
posted by laukf at 3:08 AM on June 17, 2016
posted by laukf at 3:08 AM on June 17, 2016
Amalah is a blogger who writes about raising three boys.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:28 AM on June 17, 2016
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:28 AM on June 17, 2016
Becca Woolf (of Girls Gone Child fame) has written a lot about raising empathetic boys and about masculinity as it relates to raising boys. She's collected some really good resources and links to great articles and books here. A teacher friend recommended The Trouble With Boys, a book that addresses ways in which our education system can work against young boys. These resources will be good to have in a general sense in that they can help shape your parental outlook or goals, help you think about some boy-specific issues that may come down the pipeline.
posted by LKWorking at 8:21 AM on June 17, 2016
posted by LKWorking at 8:21 AM on June 17, 2016
The relationship between the Hamleys in Wives & Daughters is—as the title might suggest—not the focus of the book, but really wonderful in its nuance. It seems to be setting up a good/responsible brother vs. bad/dissipated brother comparison, and then it makes that comparison pale next to the simple fact of their relationship with each other.
Honestly the most helpful books to me, as far as understanding myself as a brother in a family of all boys, frequently featured relationships that were... not good or helpful models, I guess? Not in a gritty/"real"/pay-cable "this is how life is, son" sense, but a "this is an extremely complicated relationship that is different from most other relationships, and what you feel will not benefit from trying to grind it down into a friend- or voluntary-type relationship" sense.
When I look back on a lot of the culture I saw/was influenced by growing up it was dominated by the parental, involuntary relationship on one side and then free-association "Be With The People Who Get You" friendship stuff on the other. That did not really offer a helpful key to understanding how I was supposed to act with people who were very different from me and who I was not dependent on, but who nevertheless shared this incredibly important bond with me, especially given the emotional distance we frequently cultivated from each other as awkward-with-our-feelings boys and then men in an awkward-with-feelings family. (Obviously I am not speaking here for all men, brothers, siblings, etc.) I guess I'm suggesting that something that feels "toxic" at a glance might actually have some real truth in it.
posted by Polycarp at 12:53 PM on June 17, 2016
Honestly the most helpful books to me, as far as understanding myself as a brother in a family of all boys, frequently featured relationships that were... not good or helpful models, I guess? Not in a gritty/"real"/pay-cable "this is how life is, son" sense, but a "this is an extremely complicated relationship that is different from most other relationships, and what you feel will not benefit from trying to grind it down into a friend- or voluntary-type relationship" sense.
When I look back on a lot of the culture I saw/was influenced by growing up it was dominated by the parental, involuntary relationship on one side and then free-association "Be With The People Who Get You" friendship stuff on the other. That did not really offer a helpful key to understanding how I was supposed to act with people who were very different from me and who I was not dependent on, but who nevertheless shared this incredibly important bond with me, especially given the emotional distance we frequently cultivated from each other as awkward-with-our-feelings boys and then men in an awkward-with-feelings family. (Obviously I am not speaking here for all men, brothers, siblings, etc.) I guess I'm suggesting that something that feels "toxic" at a glance might actually have some real truth in it.
posted by Polycarp at 12:53 PM on June 17, 2016
I found Siblings without Rivalry to be very helpful in figuring out how I could support my children developing a loving friendship with other.
posted by metahawk at 2:59 PM on June 17, 2016
posted by metahawk at 2:59 PM on June 17, 2016
This happened to me, too - I was soooo sure it was a girl and it came into the world with dangly bits!! What I can tell you almost 1 year later is that (so far) it makes zero difference - your relationship with him will blossom from your two personalities and not your respective genders per se. It's just important to love him and tune into his perception of the world. That's what will make you two close.
except.... and I learned this the hard way... when you put the diaper on, point the penis down
oh and that line that comes up the bottom (you'll know it when you see it) is totally normal and not a reason to call your doctor (oooops).
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:28 AM on June 18, 2016
except.... and I learned this the hard way... when you put the diaper on, point the penis down
oh and that line that comes up the bottom (you'll know it when you see it) is totally normal and not a reason to call your doctor (oooops).
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:28 AM on June 18, 2016
Mom of baby here. Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From the Myths of Boyhood is one on my "to read" list. Thanks for asking this question.
posted by slidell at 8:08 PM on June 18, 2016
posted by slidell at 8:08 PM on June 18, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
Note that it is not specifically tuned to child-rearing alone, but is oriented towards developing a self-reliant, rational thinker, and a considerate citizen from an early age.
posted by BrandonW at 9:06 PM on June 16, 2016