How to deal with unwanted gifts that have great value to the gifter?
March 31, 2016 8:01 PM   Subscribe

What do you do when Aunt Beatrice insists on giving you "heirlooms" that you really, really, do not want or like or care about. Without making her cry.

Let's say that you grew up in a hoarding culture where the attachment to items was very very strong. People loved and treasured all of their things, especially old things.

You have since entered a new demographic and culture, and developed your own values. You are decluttering and ruthlessly getting rid of garbage and items that do not serve you. This makes you feel good.

And yet. Well-meaning people insist on giving you items that mean a lot to them. These are usually something they have had for a while, that you do not want or need, and they give it to you with great gravitas and generosity. You have tried to thank them for their thoughtfulness while rejecting the item SO MANY WAYS, and it consistently offends. To these individuals, rejecting their treasured possession is rejecting them. You want to have a good relationship with these people, but the burden of their STUFF is too much. It makes you feel bad.

Once the item is in your possession, you have to spend time trying to use it, feeling guilt and negative feelings about it, then eventually getting rid of it and hoping that it doesn't come up in conversation. It's an emotional burden, a waste of time, and a negative force in a life that is mostly really awesome.

What can you do? How can you tell someone "I do not like or want this item that is important to you but it means so much that you are thinking of me" when those words are considered deeply hurtful. Do you just say thanks and remove the thing from your life later, and if so, how to get over the guilt and shame associated with treating someone else's "treasure" like garbage?
posted by sarahnicolesays to Human Relations (39 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
 
Take it, get rid of it.

Seriously, you tried to decline the item(s) multiple times. Once they give it to you then it's up to you what happens to it. If they don't like it then they should have listened in the first place.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 8:14 PM on March 31, 2016 [8 favorites]


Best answer: Don't accept it in the first place. Tell them how honoured you are that they would trust you with it but that you can't keep precious items safe with the life you lead. Tell them how truly touched you are by their love and generosity. Tell them this many times. Ask them if you may take a photo of them with the object for posterity. And then DO NOT ACCEPT THEIR ALBATROSS!

(Ask me how I know this. )
posted by taff at 8:14 PM on March 31, 2016 [33 favorites]


One thing that helps is heading it off early by getting the word out to family and friends ASAP that you're going for a more minimalist way of life. Here and there, try to mention in conversation that you read a neat article about decluttering, or you are culling down to capsule wardrobes, or read online about someone who traveled the world with a 15-lb knapsack, or how much you like the Marie Kondo method. Sound cheerful and enthusiastic when talking about low-ownership lifestyles.

That way, when this person tries to give you something later on, you repeat that the item is LOVELY but you're working on streamlining your home/wardrobe/belongings. Do not cave and take the item if you do not want it. Eventually it gets a lot easier to say no without hurting people's feelings because they eventually start to understand.
posted by mochapickle at 8:17 PM on March 31, 2016 [9 favorites]


Best answer: "Once the item is in your possession, you have to spend time trying to use it, feeling guilt and negative feelings about it, then eventually getting rid of it and hoping that it doesn't come up in conversation. "

No you don't. You can skip right to getting rid of it and this realization is enormously freeing. The Kon-Mari decluttering book has a whole discussion of how people giving you these heirlooms are trying to push the emotional labor of the sentimental attachment on to you because they can't do the work themselves to get rid of it. It's a way of externalizing something they find unpleasant (reckoning with owning too much stuff). Once you realize that, it's easier to realize you are under NO obligation to take on the emotional weight of the item; take it, turn around, and donate it or pitch it. Your part of the work is taking the item so THEY can guiltlessly get rid of their excess STUFF. You only have to take the item. You do not have to take the guilt. (And, looking at it a certain way, you're doing them a favor by donating it when they don't know about it, since they WANT to get rid of it but can't bring themselves to.)

Keep a few strategic items - ideally that you actually like, but otherwise easy to store - that you can use/display when they visit, and redirect the conversation to if you're asked about items they gave you that you got rid of, which will always be "around somewhere" with a vague wave of the hand indicating storage areas. "But I've been so enjoying this ash tray! Look how well it holds my teabags!"
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:17 PM on March 31, 2016 [75 favorites]


I think the answers are different if Aunt B is giving you her great great aunt's grandmother's (ugly ass) brooch (which is both an actual family heirloom and small and easily tucked away) than, say, a complete dining room set or something that is actually trash or is possibly treasure to the giver (say, precious moments figurines) but doesn't otherwise convey the something of the story of your family with it.

Items serve us in different ways. Some items delight us because they have intrinsic usefulness, or because they are beautiful. But other items serve us because they are tangible links to our lineage or because they tie us directly to the giver. Some items serve their purpose simply by being given and accepted, as a token of the importance of the relationship. What happens after the acceptance is of little consequence.

So, it becomes a balance. If it's the G G Aunt's G's ugly brooch, it might serve you well to tuck it away in a case in your sock drawer and see if later in life it has a different meaning to you or there is a future generation you can pass it along to. This is both pretty easy (the item is small and can be hidden away) and honors the spirit of the gift and the generations of women before you who held on to this object.

If it is something like the dining room set, it is fine to say "I'd be so honored to have it but I have no where to put it. I simply cannot take it. Let me work with you to find someone else who will love and honor it." (Also, with our in-laws, we do have some items they have "given" us but which they continue to "store" for us until such time as we "have space" for them. Don't discount that as a tactic.)

If it is actual trash (broken stuff, new valueless items) just accept the gift and say a sincere thank you, and then dispose of it without guilt.

If is something like figurines, perhaps save one and rehome the rest. ("Oh, I met someone who loves those so much, and it made me so happy to be able to share them with her.")

Handmade things, see above for trash -- accept graciously, and then dispose of or rehome and appropriate.

The important part here is often NOT the object itself, but by the fact that you acknowledged and honored their love for you by accepting the gift. Once the gift is yours, it is YOURS TO DO AS YOU WILL (even if that "as you will" is throwing it away). You did the labor in accepting the thing. What happens afterwards is nobody's business but yours.

(All that being said, be open to the idea that you may someday feel differently than you do now about items that are both genuinely old and have been either owned by multiple generations of your family or tell you something important about them. As my friends now enter their 50's even the least sentimental of them will sometimes look back and think "I can't imagine why I thought it was a good idea to get rid of that blanket my grandmother made" or some such thought.)
posted by anastasiav at 8:26 PM on March 31, 2016 [44 favorites]


Accept it then either donate it to charity or to a thrift shop so that someone who really wants or needs it can do so and the item is going to a good home for good use. If asked about the item later, explain how it is living on.
posted by AugustWest at 8:27 PM on March 31, 2016 [5 favorites]


Nthing that while you shouldn't accept it in the first place, if you somehow get blackmailed into doing so, the best thing to do is to get rid of it right away. You've already done the kindness to them of accepting the Thing - which they gave to you over your objections, not because they care about you, but because they have disordered thinking regarding the Thing - there's no more kindness to be done by keeping it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:28 PM on March 31, 2016 [4 favorites]


I think it depends. If it's really a family heirloom, like there might be 10 total in your family, then I think you should...give it to another family member. Mail it even.

If it's the kind of stuff people say is meaningful but isn't really like "here's this book I was reading on the train one day when I thought of Paris in the spring," my method is to keep a box for that stuff and then donate it.

I'm honest if asked what happened to it, although as kind and warm as possible, and frankly, that ends a lot of the Giving of Stuff.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:29 PM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]


If you cannot deflect, pass on to another family member with more room and nostalgia. Or, after accepting, contact the giver, and explain that you don't have room for it after all, you can't safely store it, and offer to return it before giving it to someone else.
posted by instamatic at 8:38 PM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I don't remember where I heard this, but it is great advice for the 'unwanted gift' situation: the job of a gift-giver is to give a gift that they hope the gift receiver enjoys. The job of the gift receiver is to accept the gift. That's it. The gift giver can't make sure the gift receiver actually enjoys the gift or tell them what to do with it or keep them from giving it away or throwing it away. The gift receiver owes nothing to the gift giver, including holding onto something they actually don't want and especially feeling burdened by it. What you do with the gift is your choice to make. It's yours now, after all.

So thank them for the gift, tell them how much you appreciate the thought, and then donate it to a store or to someone who may actually want and enjoy it. Throw it off the roof if you want. There's nothing to feel guilty about. You did your duty of accepting the gift. You don't need to hold onto useless crap and be burdened by it.
posted by atinna at 9:00 PM on March 31, 2016 [16 favorites]


I think you shouldn't take it if you won't keep it, because you can't quite unilaterally choose whether something is a family heirloom (distinct from personal gifts), and you shouldn't accept an heirloom if you aren't planning to pass it on with love. Contrariwise, if they're giving you junk to avoid sentimental labor, you don't have to do it for them.

As a mildly anticonsumerist aside, families that hang on to stuff still have it when it comes roaring back into fashion. (Mid century modern was going onto the curb when I was a kid... And in college I never moved my le Creuset between cities because I could always find more in Goodwill.) This is not worth living with stuff you can't like, but it might be worth accepting well-made useful things if they're of a category you needed one of anyway. Sort of a global minimalism.
posted by clew at 10:11 PM on March 31, 2016 [2 favorites]


Nthing the tell people that you are a minimalist (this works for 90% of the "gift givers" in my life IME.)

I'm dropping an alternative suggestion, too, because a friend of mine did this with his parents. ...His elderly parents started "gifting" original items that he and his siblings had when they were babies (ie, think baby cribs from 50 years ago, which are now probably death traps).

He had conversations about his parents as to "why" they were valuable to them and they wanted to hand them on, and there were elaborate stories and history behind each item, stories that might have been lost. So he asked his parents to 1) write down the story and why the item triggered whatever memory and relevant story, 2) take a *picture* of the item, or if absolutely necessary, a small tiny piece or something representing of things like the giant baby crib.

In the end, he and his sibling now know a lot of stories about the lives of his parents (and have written records), what their thoughts were at the time, and very very few items, and if insistent, tiny models or pieces of them. His father also recently passed away, so now things like a tiny car model (vs giant original car) and story is meaningful.

Would only suggest something like this for relatives and people who can't let go...
posted by Wolfster at 10:19 PM on March 31, 2016 [20 favorites]


Will the relative know if you get rid of it after you receive it, or will they be looking for it at your house every time they visit and they visit frequently?

If they'll never know it's gone, then I'd say to just dispose of it however you want, but if they will LOOK for it and expect it in your home....beats me, I come from hoarder genes too.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:44 PM on March 31, 2016 [1 favorite]


Personally, I would just throw it in a closet or attic or something until I felt sufficient enough time passed where I wouldn't be asked about it. Do you really use and need everything you own? Somewhere, you have thrown side some stuff you never look at. Just put it with that.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:27 PM on March 31, 2016


Best answer: Personally, I think it's rude to try to force someone to accept a Thing. You're making someone else feel like they have to behave in a certain way in order to not suffer the consequences of upsetting you. That's manipulative. These people don't seem to be giving you things that they really want for themselves, they're giving you things they like but don't have any further need for and don't want to see thrown in the trash. That's not the same as giving someone something they want.

You can't control other people's emotions or behaviours. You can only control your own. Tell Aunt Beatrice that you're just going to send it to Goodwill because you don't have space for it, or don't like it or it just doesn't fit with your current lifestyle. If she likes it so much that she thinks it will be an awesome gift, she can keep it herself.
posted by Solomon at 12:30 AM on April 1, 2016 [3 favorites]


A lot could depend on the age of the relative and the quality and quantity of items we're talking about.

For an older person, giving something away can offer a moment of generosity and importance that maybe they don't get much of lately. You can give them that moment. And Aunt Beatrice won't be around forever. I have a little handmade wooden horse my uncle made that I like much more now that he's gone.

That said, you can definitely get rid of the stuff once you get it.
posted by zompist at 3:04 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


Once you've accepted an "heirloom", if you actually get rid of it, that can give rise to a lot of hurt feelings. Store it until your relative passes away. The only time you ever need to think about it is when you're talking to your relative where it can provide a useful topic of conversation.

I've done this with a few things: they went into the bin the day after the funeral.
posted by Azara at 3:16 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


It helps if you have another family member as an ally, so you can reassure each other it's okay to get rid of these things, or even pass them on to each other to do the dirty work. My mom and I have an informal system set up like this. My grandmother has a seemingly bottomless hoard of stuff from my late father's childhood that she thinks we want - stuff like 60-year-old teddy bears that look mangy and feel crunchy. Grandma will periodically give something to Mom, and she'll send it to me, saying "do whatever you want with this. Throw it away if you like." This is so much easier to do with things received through a middleman.

Another technique is to have one box, tucked away in a closet or the basement, that you use as a holding pen for all this stuff. No bigger than a copy-paper box; it shouldn't be big enough to get in the way or crowd out things you actually need. Gifts live there for one year before getting out of your home forever. If at any time you have too much stuff to fit in the box, get rid of whatever doesn't fit. Then you can honestly say "I just didn't have room for it."

Sentimental value is non-transferable.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:38 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]


Two pronged approach.

1. State explicitly and prophylactically: I'm not interested in receiving any tskotchkies from anyone. I don't have a use for them or space for them.

2. When people ignore this and try to give you their crap, say, "I'm honored that you want me to have this, but I don't have a use or space for it. Thank you for the thought."

If Aunt Beatrice cries, pat her on the back and say, "It's okay."
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:02 AM on April 1, 2016 [3 favorites]


Best answer: Let's say that you grew up in a hoarding culture where the attachment to items was very very strong. People loved and treasured all of their things, especially old things.

This could describe my family. I went through a phase where I saved EVERYTHING anyone gave me, and my place was so cluttered that one day a friend commented that it looked like I lived in a museum... she actually liked it and meant it as a positive comment but I was horrified and it was a real kick off to getting rid of a ton of stuff.
Also, this was at a time when my son just started to crawl and I realised the place had to get more child friendly and less cluttered.
So I sold, donated and binned a lot over a space of 18 months or so. However, I kept one box of SMALL keepsakes, and try my hardest to deflect any gift that will not fit that box.
I am not into Kon Marie or similar but it was so freeing to not have this hoard of old stuff. So I totally understand where you are coming from.

These days I use a varietsy of strategies, depending on who is the giver and the item. It is very difficult, especially when the item is something my aunts or my mother clearly are very attached to.

With my elderly aunts, the only thing that works is taking the item, thanking them profusely and once home, to bin it. The stuff they give me (clothes, books, cooking utensils, surplus prescription medication) are not in itself heirlooms despite that they might see it as one. Luckily we live far apart and neither does not travel.
One of them actually did give me some paintings, which I do not like but keep in storage because they were painted by a family member who was a student of a famous painter. I would not bin those, they are really heirlooms in the sense of I can pass them on to my son.

My mother however, is much harder. As she is a hoarder, and has what I fear is onset of some form of dementia, she will actually buy stuff at flea markets that look like toys my brothers and I owned in childhood and gives them to me for my 7yr old, claiming they were my old toys. I take those and thank her and bin them without telling her or my son, as thankfully she forgets and buys another one. What is quite ironic here is she was the one who binned all our toys when we were teenagers to make space for her collections.

When I had my decluttering binge, I told her about it. She was immediatly worried if I kept certain things.
I told her that I find it burdensome to be made the keeper of heirlooms (I did not enter into discussing if they really were or not), and that it freed me to get rid of it, especially furniture (dark opperssive 19th century stuff, eg the changing table used by my great grand mother and passed on to my mother's mother who died while giving birth to my mother which she then gifted me for my baby son - seeing it made me remember all the associated family horrors so one day I actually paid someone a 50 Euro to have it removed)
I told her how it had made feel depressed and sad, tied up in the past. and that she should rather give the stuff to one of my brothers. She said she understood and we cried and hugged.

She still takes me through her house when we visit, pointing out what she wants to gift to me (more dark furniture, literally thousands of dishes, whole rooms full, cooking utensils etc some dating back to before WWII, thousands of photos, knick knacks).

I tell her that I have no space for it unless it is very small and can fit my box (which is true) and together we put labels on the biggers stuff / furniture saying the item is going to me after her death.
She agreed to this reluctantly, but at the same time started to take up a returning complaint that after her death we will bin everything, blaming my husband for my changed mind. But this is the price I pay, and I listen and murmur soothing things and change the topic.

I would say: experiment with yourself. Bin something, with or without telling them, and see how you feel about it. The very act of binning made me bold enough to talk to my mother next time she offered me some supposed heirloom (not my aunts though - this would be impossible, too hurtful to them and serves no purposes because they never visit. Rejecting their gifts would only cause them pain).
posted by 15L06 at 4:51 AM on April 1, 2016 [7 favorites]


It's not about the thing, it's about the story of the thing - which is really the story of the person holding the thing.

It's a kindness to invite a person to tell their story. Unless it's furniture or a rusting vehicle or something, accept the gift graciously and ask them to tell you the story of it. Depending on your skills/communication style/etc. you can do a DIY StoryCorps interview, write out the story for them, sketch the thing, photograph it in a relevant setting, etc. With the story kept alive, the thing itself becomes less important and can be disposed of.
posted by headnsouth at 5:48 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


I am your relatives. I mean, I'm not old enough most of the time, but am old enough to begin passing things on to my daughter and eventually be your relatives.

I am absolutely not just looking to get rid of stuff and secretly hoping you will throw it away from me. That thinking is failing to understand the culture people are coming from. Much of the stuff I give away and would give away is stuff I love and would want to keep for myself. I would be beyond offended to the point of possible disinheritment if someone took a family heirloom and then secretly disposed of it. Do not take the items if you are not willing to keep and protect and ultimately pass them on.

Giving a family heirloom is saying, "I think you are adult enough to take on family responsibilities, including the responsibility of our history." If you want to avoid this, I suppose you could play up your irresponsibility and inability to keep Thing safe. "I lose things! And careen around with bowling balls! And throw things away when I move!" My MIL ended up giving most of the family heirlooms to me because SIL used this technique.
posted by corb at 6:33 AM on April 1, 2016 [10 favorites]


Another suggestion - do you have someone connected with the family who values the history more than you do, but who is not considered close enough to the immediate family to receive these heirlooms? That person might be very grateful for them.
posted by corb at 6:35 AM on April 1, 2016 [4 favorites]


Best answer: Because the OP put "heirlooms" in quotes, I am assuming they are not actual heirlooms but household detritus that the owner can't bring themselves to part with but that carries no family or sentimental value to anyone but the original owner who is (as the OP notes) over-attached to their STUFF.

If you do not have a relative who routinely tries to give you "heirloom" potato mashers that they bought for $3 40 years ago but can't bring themselves to part with because ALL of their possessions have vast sentimental value to them, you may not be familiar with this particular dynamic wherein holey sweaters from 1972, mismatched inexpensive dishware, and busted-up 40-year-old particle-board furniture become "heirlooms." I mean, I get it, I'm sentimentally attached to the coffee table my kids learned to walk by pulling themselves up on, but the fact is it's just a piece of cheap furniture, getting very beat-up at this point, that nobody else is going to want, and shoving it off on family as an "heirloom" is just trying not to deal with the feelings of sadness and nostalgia getting rid of the table gives me (but nobody else).

It becomes a billion times worse when our "heirloom" relative inherited the "heirloom" from HER Depression-era mother who could part with nothing, because now it doesn't just have sentimental value for our relative because it is a thing she owned, but it has EXTRA sentimental value for her because her MOTHER owned it and getting rid of any of it causes her panic attacks. So she sends it to us, and some of it is literally garbage from when she cleaned out her mother's house. "Mom would have wanted you guys to have it." No, mom frequently sighed that she wished she didn't compulsively keep used ziplocs but that she was too old to change the habits of a lifetime and wasn't going to spend her golden years going through 80 years of junk, and that she wanted us all to take two things we liked and pitch the rest. Instead, her anxiety-disordered daughter took every last scrap of paper and now is slowly "sorting" it by sending it all to other relatives to "take care of." Nobody needs mold-covered bank records from 1954 for someone who died 15 years ago. They just don't. It's not an heirloom.

We keep a handful of these things that are actually useful or actually displayable, that are not in the act of molding or rusting or decaying, often in the "vase" or "holiday serving dish" realm because it's okay if those aren't totally to my taste and we can bring them out when our relative visits and we can get some sentimental enjoyment from them ourselves by using the ugly turkey dish once a year without having to come to loathe it by using it every day. But a lot of it is literal garbage, and most of the rest of the housewares gifts (5 plates and 3 mugs and one soup bowl!) go to a friend of ours who helps women fleeing domestic violence set up new households, who always needs a variety of kitchen implements. Those things are living their best life, helping a woman get a fresh start in a homey kitchen with well-loved tools instead of being shoved in the back of a drawer because I've had a potato masher I like for 15 years and don't need another one.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:11 AM on April 1, 2016 [22 favorites]


Are there enough people in your family that any given piece is likely to find a home with somebody? My cousin is talking about keeping a page (Flickr or similar) where people who are holding this stuff can post photographs and people who actually want it can take it.
posted by BibiRose at 7:14 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


"I'm sorry. I don't have any room for this. I'd just end up throwing it away -" (at this point, my relative often snatches the gift away in horror!) "- and that would be a pity."

It works like a charm, but mostly , for me, it's only non-heirlooms.
posted by Omnomnom at 7:29 AM on April 1, 2016 [6 favorites]


If this is true of you, an excuse I use very frequently is that I live in a tiny urban apartment and literally have no space for more things. If small living space/lack of storage space is an excuse that works in your case, I've found it's a more neutral way to reject things that makes people way less emotional.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:16 AM on April 1, 2016


Best answer: If Relative refuses to acknowledge your agency in how you run your life, it's not your fault. If anything, you can offer a non-apology of "I'm sorry you're so sad." It's true; s/he's sad, you probably care enough about Relative that you don't want them to be sad. But they're not sad because of anything you've done, they're sad because Reasons that are totally out of your control. Sure, you have the power to do their emotional labor, but if you're anything at all like me, you're probably tired after a lifetime of this.

It's okay to say, "No, thank you," and leave it at that.
posted by disconnect at 8:29 AM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]


I think it matters whether you're in a situation where your loved ones are following up on the gifts after they are given. If not, I think you can accept the gifts, and then donate or toss them as you deem appropriate. If they do follow up and complain and get hurt feelings if they don't see the gifts in your home, that's when you have to start having the follow up conversations that people are describing above. But if they're not going to ask, just chuck the stuff and don't tell anyone.
posted by decathecting at 8:54 AM on April 1, 2016


Shortly after my wife and I got engaged, her mom said, "your aunt has your grandmother's china and she wants to know if you want it." We didn't have anywhere to put a set of china at the time, and if we did, my mom already had dibs — she'd been trying to send me a set of china for at least ten years before that, and I had promised her that as soon as I lived somewhere with room to store it, she could (possibly relevant detail: I had helped her choose this set of china, but she only used it for two years before Replacements Ltd made it possible for her to go back to using her wedding china without fear).

So, we got married, we bought a house, we got a china cabinet some friends didn't want anymore, and my mom sent the china as promised. Fast forward three years, at which point we saw the aunt in question. "I still have your grandmother's china. Do you want it? Tell you what, even if you don't want it, you can sell it on eBay or give it away. You can do that; I can't." We didn't hear anything else about it until we got a shipping notice from UPS a month later.

We haven't gotten rid of it yet, but it's not even heirloom quality stuff. It's a minor department store brand from the 60s. My wife had never even seen it until we opened one of the boxes, so it's not like she had any emotional attachment to it. At least in our case her aunt was honest about offloading the emotional labor.

Anyway, I think the honest answer is best: "thank you for thinking of me, but:" and then one or more of:
  • I live in a small city apartment.
  • I don't have anywhere to put it.
  • This deserves to be displayed and I have nowhere to display it.
  • I move around too much to store it and keep it safe.
  • I am moving overseas and can't afford to ship/insure it.
  • I can't afford a storage unit.
  • I have pets/children/roommates who would damage it.
  • I travel for work and wouldn't be able to enjoy it.
Mix and match as appropriate.
posted by fedward at 8:55 AM on April 1, 2016 [5 favorites]


I've relied on the tiny house excuse. I, too, grew up in a "hoarding environment" and picked up the urge myself. I didn't get rid of hoarding tendencies until I started graduate school, in the process moving to a big, expensive city for the first time and adjusting to having to box everything up and move every few months to chase affordable rent. Now, much further down the line, I live in a 600 square foot house that we have happily agreed should be a temple to the absence of clutter. All of this falls in line with my tendency to say things like, "that is so sweet of you to offer, but let me show you pictures of how tiny my house is, there's nowhere to put it!"

Sometimes receiving these sweet gestures is unavoidable. My mom still mails me several of those really inexpensive acrylic flannel "blankets" that you can get at Walmart or by the yard at hobby craft fabric stores. We do not need this unending stream of blankets, and mom knows this, but mom is mom and this is the smallest expression she can muster of "I just want you to be safe and warm and comfy, plus look at this one it's covered in dogs dressed as Santa putting bones in stockings isn't it sooo cuuute?" So, we upcycle them! I've been using these blankets as batting in small quilts, some of which I return to mom with a note that I made them using those blankets you sent last month. Which she loves and then gets to take quilts to her volunteer group and they end up at shelters instead of piled up on my couch.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:11 AM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


I was on the receiving end of a lot of household hand-me-downs for a while. I started saying "You know I'm going to put this in the dishwasher, right?" or "You know I'm going to put this in the washer and dryer, right?"

If it's really something with sentimental value this particular gift-giver knows I am not the right person for it, but it's something they're having a hard time getting rid of but don't actually want they know that I'll do the work for them (I don't mind).
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:32 AM on April 1, 2016


Best answer: Once the item is in your possession, you have to spend time trying to use it, feeling guilt and negative feelings about it, then eventually getting rid of it and hoping that it doesn't come up in conversation. It's an emotional burden, a waste of time, and a negative force in a life that is mostly really awesome.

It may help to know that this is a set of cultural assumptions and not an unbreakable truth about the world. I mean, you feel what you feel, but you can work around the guilt and negativity if that is a concern you have.

So, put another way, this is the way I look at it. I have a lot of older relatives with stuff, one deceased parent (and a houseful of stuff) and me and my sister have no kids. A lot of this stuff will wind up with me or her unless we dump it on a cousin (who might want it but probably doesn't). So this is what I do. When I hear them say "I am sending you your great aunt's favorite china set" what I hear them say is "I am deputizing you to dispose of this because I can't bear to but really we all know it needs to go." That is, I step up to play the heavy in this stupid game of affluence that I never signed up for. And if people are mad they are mad. I try to be clear that I personally live in a small house and have very little use for extra stuff. If they push it on me, that is on them. What I decide to do with it afterwards is a personal decision and not a family decision. If people don't like it they can not give me stuff. End of story.

It doesn't work for everyone. I have a reputation as being a bit cold and unfeeling about some of this stuff ("Putting your father's stuff out by the street with a free sign HOW COULD YOU") but they're not me and they opted out when they put the stuff on me. It may be that you would feel better if you took the stuff and mothballed it in some Ark of the Covenant way just in case you had a change of heart after brain surgery in a decade or two, who knows. And that is another totally reasonable suggestion. But otherwise, really, the things cease to hold sentimental value when there aren't people who share the sentiment. Give yourself permission to have it stop with (or before) you. Enjoy your mostly awesome life!
posted by jessamyn at 10:41 AM on April 1, 2016 [6 favorites]


Best answer: how to get over the guilt and shame associated with treating someone else's "treasure" like garbage?

Honestly, by recognising that a) these possessions are now yours, not someone else's, and you may therefore do with them as you wish; and b) that doing anything else besides giving them away or dumping them is giving in to the same pathos the giver has.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:56 PM on April 1, 2016


I am you. I have tried and tried to put a stop to the giving of gifts that are really just useless crap. It is beyond aggravating. Really it is. I'm in the "just say no" camp. If the giver insists, tell them you will immediately throw the object away if they leave it with you/send it to you. Sometimes even that doesn't work and then you immediately donate or throw away the item when you receive it. It is not your job to solve or take on their literal or emotional crap.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:17 PM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]


I like the idea of taking a photo (or video with the story!) with the giver and the item. Doing that seems to honor the intent, and respect the giftee's needs as well.
posted by ApathyGirl at 3:31 PM on April 1, 2016


BibiRose, some extended family did a Flickr-like thing with a massive great-grandma estate (and people scattered across the country). Worked well, I thought. Best bit, which I would try to encourage if I were running one, was the occasional posted comment of "Oh I remember that object because [family story]".
posted by clew at 4:44 PM on April 1, 2016 [2 favorites]


I am kind of a hoarder (I loathe Kon Marie). I LOVE STUFF. Especially old family stuff. (I would be PISSED if I gave you something I thought was important and beloved and you tossed it; I would much much rather have a family member tell me she didn't want an heirloom than taking it and secretly tossing it. If you don't want it, I'll find someone who does! Part of the psychology of this is that we semi-hoarders would like the stuff we're getting rid of to go to a good home to be appreciated.) I really think that instead of taking these things and tossing them surreptitiously, depending on your family, you seriously could just try telling tell whomever wants to give you whatever, "oh, gosh, thank you SO much, but I am trying not to be such a hoarder right now." A LOT of people who collect Many Things will understand this impulse MUCH more than you'd think.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 8:40 PM on April 1, 2016 [1 favorite]


I can't help thinking that a lot of the answers here are from people who have never dealt with someone who repeatedly ignores your hints, pleas, suggestions, and straight out telling them NOT to give you stuff you don't want. Rational people who wish to give away treasured possessions ask if you want them, and can take a nice, polite hint that you aren't intetested. Even if they miss the polite hint, they understand when you say "no thanks, I'm trying to downsize" (or similar excuse). They do not persist despite your stated wishes. The unlucky among us have run into the folks who, for whatever reason, won't take no for an answer, over and over again. For me this feels like being victimized. Being helpless to exert my own wishes and denied the power to have a say in what comes into my home and my life. Considering this denial of my personhood is an ongoing theme in my relationship with my "gift giver," the healthiest thing I can do is to get rid of the physical objects as fast as possible. If I felt able to cut the giver out of my life entirely, I would. If your situation is similar OP, I hope you won't feel bad about taking strong measures to put your foot down despite the well meaning advice here from folks who may not understand how toxic this sort of behavior can actually be. Good luck to you.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 6:25 PM on April 2, 2016 [5 favorites]


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