Dealing with self-obsessed roommate
March 30, 2016 6:10 PM Subscribe
I have a roommate who talks about herself until blue in the face. As a polite human, I will listen to her and interact. She will occasionally ask me how I am, and then will stick her nose in her phone and not show the slightest interest in my answer. I have 6 more months with her, and would like to have a non-insulting conversation with her about this pattern. How do I do that?
I know this is tempting. Don't do it. There is no possible good outcome. Just stop being a polite human - instead start being a good roommate (or continue if you were already being one). This includes:
-Clean up after yourself in the kitchen
-Do not steal her food without permission
-Don't mess with her stuff
-Don't leave your stuff all over common spaces
-Pay your portion of the bills on time. Don't require reminding
This does not include: listening to your roommate talk about herself until blue in the face.
Coping mechanisms: earbuds and/or cell phone, and spending a lot of time out of the apartment or in your room.
posted by arnicae at 6:17 PM on March 30, 2016 [22 favorites]
-Clean up after yourself in the kitchen
-Do not steal her food without permission
-Don't mess with her stuff
-Don't leave your stuff all over common spaces
-Pay your portion of the bills on time. Don't require reminding
This does not include: listening to your roommate talk about herself until blue in the face.
Coping mechanisms: earbuds and/or cell phone, and spending a lot of time out of the apartment or in your room.
posted by arnicae at 6:17 PM on March 30, 2016 [22 favorites]
I have never seen a self absorbed person become less self absorbed. I'm sure it happens as a part of personal growth for some people over long periods of time. A conversation is not going to bring this about. Just limit your conversations with her.
posted by Kalmya at 6:23 PM on March 30, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by Kalmya at 6:23 PM on March 30, 2016 [9 favorites]
As a polite human, I will listen to her and interact.
Don't do this if it causes such resentment. Don't have a discussion with her about this.
posted by destructive cactus at 6:29 PM on March 30, 2016 [6 favorites]
Don't do this if it causes such resentment. Don't have a discussion with her about this.
posted by destructive cactus at 6:29 PM on March 30, 2016 [6 favorites]
People like this don't change. Don't engage in their shit, trying to change them will just give them more of the attention they crave.
posted by Ferreous at 6:32 PM on March 30, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by Ferreous at 6:32 PM on March 30, 2016 [6 favorites]
I have 6 more months with her,
What's the end result you're looking for here?
Because the reality is that one conversation about this, no matter how kind and polite, is 99.99999999% NOT likely to result in her jumping on the Clue Train, gasping, "ZOMG, I have been a COMPLETELY Self-Absorbed Tool, let me make it up to you, tell me everything!!!" and then listening raptly for the rest of the next six months.
Getting someone like this to change is far more likely a years-long project, full of lots and lots and lots of very uncomfortable conversations. If she's not your BFF, and you don't plan on keeping in close touch after you stop rooming together, then someone else, someone who really cares about her, can do the work. It's not worth your time and emotional labor, you won't see results quickly enough to matter.
Talk about your life to people who are interested in your life, tune her out or find polite ways to avoid conversations about her, move out and move on.
posted by soundguy99 at 6:33 PM on March 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
What's the end result you're looking for here?
Because the reality is that one conversation about this, no matter how kind and polite, is 99.99999999% NOT likely to result in her jumping on the Clue Train, gasping, "ZOMG, I have been a COMPLETELY Self-Absorbed Tool, let me make it up to you, tell me everything!!!" and then listening raptly for the rest of the next six months.
Getting someone like this to change is far more likely a years-long project, full of lots and lots and lots of very uncomfortable conversations. If she's not your BFF, and you don't plan on keeping in close touch after you stop rooming together, then someone else, someone who really cares about her, can do the work. It's not worth your time and emotional labor, you won't see results quickly enough to matter.
Talk about your life to people who are interested in your life, tune her out or find polite ways to avoid conversations about her, move out and move on.
posted by soundguy99 at 6:33 PM on March 30, 2016 [7 favorites]
No conversation about this pattern will change her. But, you can stop being a "polite" audience. She's not extending you the same polite courtesy. Invest your time into making an actual friend.
posted by quince at 6:35 PM on March 30, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by quince at 6:35 PM on March 30, 2016 [15 favorites]
Don't be rude, just disengage when they talk. Find a way out, and leave to do your own thing.
posted by Ferreous at 6:43 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Ferreous at 6:43 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
I have a roommate who talks about herself until blue in the face. As a polite human, I will listen to her and interact.
Stop being polite. She won't even notice, I promise. People like this are oblivious to social cues and are basically aliens. Just walk out of the room when you get bored, or start flossing, or go into the bathroom with a newspaper. It won't even register with her as a snub.
posted by gatorae at 6:43 PM on March 30, 2016 [9 favorites]
Stop being polite. She won't even notice, I promise. People like this are oblivious to social cues and are basically aliens. Just walk out of the room when you get bored, or start flossing, or go into the bathroom with a newspaper. It won't even register with her as a snub.
posted by gatorae at 6:43 PM on March 30, 2016 [9 favorites]
Easy peasy: as soon as she starts talking to you, you interrupt and say, "Sorry, busy, hope you're well."
Then you politely go about your business, don't make any effort to listen to her unless it's about some mutually important roommate stuff, and you live your life until your lease is up. She doesn't have to listen to you (as she frequently demonstrates) -- and that, my friend, goes the same for you as well. ;)
posted by Hermione Granger at 6:51 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
Then you politely go about your business, don't make any effort to listen to her unless it's about some mutually important roommate stuff, and you live your life until your lease is up. She doesn't have to listen to you (as she frequently demonstrates) -- and that, my friend, goes the same for you as well. ;)
posted by Hermione Granger at 6:51 PM on March 30, 2016 [2 favorites]
When she asks about you, simply say, "oh gosh, you wouldn't be interested." Then biff off to your room, or turn on the TV or whatever.
If she start talking at you, do the same, "Gee, that sounds like a lot. I'm going to watch my show, take a shower, read my book, call my friend, eat my dinner," or any other thing that isn't listening to someone do the equivalent of reading the phone book to you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:54 PM on March 30, 2016 [6 favorites]
If she start talking at you, do the same, "Gee, that sounds like a lot. I'm going to watch my show, take a shower, read my book, call my friend, eat my dinner," or any other thing that isn't listening to someone do the equivalent of reading the phone book to you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:54 PM on March 30, 2016 [6 favorites]
My mother-in-law does this. She doesn't even listen, she merely waits to talk.
I know it's incredibly frustrating. Try to disengage. You don't owe her an audience.
posted by Ostara at 6:56 PM on March 30, 2016 [15 favorites]
I know it's incredibly frustrating. Try to disengage. You don't owe her an audience.
posted by Ostara at 6:56 PM on March 30, 2016 [15 favorites]
Best answer: If you would still like your actual question answered, you may find it helpful to look through previous threads on emotional labor.
Here is a pertinent thread on the green:
How do I bring up emotional labor in my relationship?
posted by feral_goldfish at 8:01 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
Here is a pertinent thread on the green:
How do I bring up emotional labor in my relationship?
posted by feral_goldfish at 8:01 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
Don't be rude, just disengage when they talk. Find a way out, and leave to do your own thing.
Yeah, she sounds boring. Doesn't seem like you're getting anything out of the relationship, and you don't owe her anything other than paying the rent on time and being considerate about shared space. For the sake of making your living situation comfortable, be polite and even friendly, but if you're bored, feel free to do your own thing.
Like others said, she does the same to you, and she wouldn't notice if you did it to her. A conversation won't change her.
posted by serenity_now at 8:15 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
Yeah, she sounds boring. Doesn't seem like you're getting anything out of the relationship, and you don't owe her anything other than paying the rent on time and being considerate about shared space. For the sake of making your living situation comfortable, be polite and even friendly, but if you're bored, feel free to do your own thing.
Like others said, she does the same to you, and she wouldn't notice if you did it to her. A conversation won't change her.
posted by serenity_now at 8:15 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
As soon as she starts up, stick your head in your phone.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:15 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:15 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
When she asks how you are doing, you say, "I am doing ok. A lot on my mind lately, but mostly trying to figure out how to deal with a self absorbed roommate. Any ideas?"
posted by AugustWest at 9:37 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 9:37 PM on March 30, 2016 [3 favorites]
Does she make eye contact? A possibility might be that her empathy (yeah, no, I'm serious here) makes heart to heart conversation rather overwhelming and she needs to minimise eye contact in order to concentrate on what you are saying. I mention this as a card carrying Aspie who used to be told i was self absorbed. I was some of the time (still am) but when i listen to just about anyone, I'm 100% focused on them, and eye contact, even with years of practice is still fatiguing.
But, whether or not there's a reason for this behaviour, part of my life philosophy is to not tell people negative or critical things unless its my job, or they are my partner and its impacting on me, or they ask me to. I've recieved a number of critiques over my life, some accurate, and i can't think of one that made me a better person or happier.
posted by b33j at 9:53 PM on March 30, 2016 [9 favorites]
But, whether or not there's a reason for this behaviour, part of my life philosophy is to not tell people negative or critical things unless its my job, or they are my partner and its impacting on me, or they ask me to. I've recieved a number of critiques over my life, some accurate, and i can't think of one that made me a better person or happier.
posted by b33j at 9:53 PM on March 30, 2016 [9 favorites]
I've dealt with a lot of people who have this tendency, including a past best friend. Even if the person is a very close friend, having a conversation about a communication or personality tendency that they have that irritates you is going to raise their hackles and make them feel defensive. I don't know if a way of having such a conversation without giving insult exists--it makes sense in the context of a rock solid relationship, where there's a lot invested and you are habitually honest with each other and your relationship can survive an awkward conversation.
When it's a short-term roommate, a person who you will probably never talk to again in a few months and who you currently share a living space with, I think having this kind of conversation could make things very, very awkward and I would not see any upside to it.
posted by armadillo1224 at 12:00 AM on March 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
When it's a short-term roommate, a person who you will probably never talk to again in a few months and who you currently share a living space with, I think having this kind of conversation could make things very, very awkward and I would not see any upside to it.
posted by armadillo1224 at 12:00 AM on March 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
People like this sometimes react with hostility if you point out their bad tendencies. I might try to gently correct a friend but I would not bother trying to improve a roommate because I'd rather just politely disengage than be "the enemy" for the next six months.
posted by Candleman at 6:55 AM on March 31, 2016
posted by Candleman at 6:55 AM on March 31, 2016
It's not worth it. Seriously, I had one of these roommates years ago (she actually unfriended me yesterday on Facebook for providing a counterpoint to a borderline insane rant she posted...oh well, nothing lost). These types of people almost always get defensive when they're called out and react with outrage, (as opposed to actually taking decent advice from trusted friends and working on the issues).
If she is fishing to tell a story ("I cannot believe what happened earlier!") don't take the bait and give her as little of your time and attention as possible. Six months will be over before you know it. Be polite, but disengage, as others have said. You don't need to talk to her about this, you just need to put up with her until she's out of your life forever.
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:10 AM on March 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
If she is fishing to tell a story ("I cannot believe what happened earlier!") don't take the bait and give her as little of your time and attention as possible. Six months will be over before you know it. Be polite, but disengage, as others have said. You don't need to talk to her about this, you just need to put up with her until she's out of your life forever.
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:10 AM on March 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
You know, this sounds a little to me like life with my four year old. He's smart and curious and likes to test out the new vocabulary he's learning by telling me the same things over and over again.
What I do is some version of "um hmmm" while I clean the kitchen, make lunches, fold the laundry, check my emails (yes, putting my own nose in the phone), etc. Basically I just get my other stuff done while allowing him to talk. Now, he's my kid and I love him and I do actually care about the things that he's saying so I listen just enough to be able to respond appropriately if he asks an actual question or says something off the wall that needs a gentle correction or redirection.
But in your case I don't think that's even necessary. It sounds like your roommate is looking for some sort of validation but you don't owe her much more than "oh, that must have been nice" or "oh, that sounds rough". Basically a slightly more polite version of "um hmmm". But if you're going to engage in that, make sure it's on your terms, ie, only allow it while you're getting other stuff done, and don't allow it if it turns into a time suck for you. Don't be afraid to get up mid sentence and say "Oh, I just remembered something I need to get done before I forget again" and then walk away.
posted by vignettist at 10:02 AM on March 31, 2016
What I do is some version of "um hmmm" while I clean the kitchen, make lunches, fold the laundry, check my emails (yes, putting my own nose in the phone), etc. Basically I just get my other stuff done while allowing him to talk. Now, he's my kid and I love him and I do actually care about the things that he's saying so I listen just enough to be able to respond appropriately if he asks an actual question or says something off the wall that needs a gentle correction or redirection.
But in your case I don't think that's even necessary. It sounds like your roommate is looking for some sort of validation but you don't owe her much more than "oh, that must have been nice" or "oh, that sounds rough". Basically a slightly more polite version of "um hmmm". But if you're going to engage in that, make sure it's on your terms, ie, only allow it while you're getting other stuff done, and don't allow it if it turns into a time suck for you. Don't be afraid to get up mid sentence and say "Oh, I just remembered something I need to get done before I forget again" and then walk away.
posted by vignettist at 10:02 AM on March 31, 2016
Best answer: Use this as practice for having good boundaries, not being super-polite when it's a bad idea, and, in general, saying No. No, you do not have to listen to this person. Be civil, courteous and disengaged.
Pointing out other people's flaws will make them really dislike you, and probably hurt their feelings, and probably won't work. You have no reason to be in charge of her flaws (or your perception thereof). There is a type of teaching called extinguishing where you ignore unwanted behaviors. It works, over time, so by disengaging from her unwanted behavior, you are actually helping her work on it, even if only in a small way.
posted by theora55 at 10:47 AM on March 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
Pointing out other people's flaws will make them really dislike you, and probably hurt their feelings, and probably won't work. You have no reason to be in charge of her flaws (or your perception thereof). There is a type of teaching called extinguishing where you ignore unwanted behaviors. It works, over time, so by disengaging from her unwanted behavior, you are actually helping her work on it, even if only in a small way.
posted by theora55 at 10:47 AM on March 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
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