What to do with voluntary obligations where your presence is important?

March 20, 2016 9:43 PM

I'm part of a choir, and have been so for about a year. I hence signed up for this year to try and obligate myself; but a few weeks in and increasingly it feels like obligation (to parental expectations etc) is the only reason I ever went. I do not enjoy it much. Problem: I am a bass, and basses are in short supply. Another one might be leaving and if I go too this would pose problems for the viability of the choir (I am told).

I do not much enjoy singing as part of a choir. I do not particularly enjoy choral music. I did this as a way to try and keep doing something without much self-motivation last year (and because I've had singing encouraged from some things I've done in the past), and having much more self-motivation this year it is striking me as something I do not want to continue.

There are however never any basses in choral singing, so my presence there goes some way toward the choir's viability. Because I was using it as external motivation just to leave the house occasionally, even if I felt crummy, it is assumed I enjoy it by the organizers (which just raises my hackles). Between these two factors quitting will be uncomfortable.

A. I would like to quit now. This strikes me as probably unfair to the schedule, and midyear would be better, regardless of my feelings. I'd like a bit of backup moral compass on this.

B. Whether it's now or later, it will be uncomfortable. Is there any good way to approach this?

posted by solarion to Human Relations (19 answers total)

Mid-year is not terribly far away. Give them notice now of the mid-year date you will be leaving the group so they can plan, carry out the remainder of schedule as it stands and take pleasure in knowing you have a definite end in sight and you aren't leaving them in the lurch.
posted by cecic at 9:51 PM on March 20, 2016 [11 favorites]

I think integrity means doing what you said you would do. Your enjoyment of the activity might be limited, but your self esteem could rise by seeing through the commitment you made.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:55 PM on March 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

While you might want to consider both of the comments above, and how applicable they are to your situation, I have once or twice in my life found myself simply ready to be done with something now even if I had a nominal commitment and my leaving might inconvenience people. Keep in mind that people leave things without notice all the time: because of an accident, sudden illness, or family needs, for instance. Even those of us who feel absolutely vital for the health of an organization or workplace are usually not.

The actual moment of quitting is stressful. The feeling of freedom and relief that comes afterward is wonderful.

Quitting can be as straightforward as letting the choir director know you won't be able to continue, and making arrangements to return your sheet music. You can do this by email if you want. And there—you're done.

Surely you can find an activity that you actually enjoy to serve as a nudge to get you out of the house, if you still need one. If getting out and about is sometimes hard, all the more reason that what you do once you're out there is rewarding to you.
posted by not that girl at 10:06 PM on March 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

I agree with you that waiting until mid-year to quit is a mature and thoughtful thing to do. You might like it more by then. If not, you can say that your other obligations mean you can't give the time and effort the choir deserves but you wish everyone the best of luck! Is there any way to make participation more bearable? Perhaps take a bigger leadership role, help select better music, and/or recruit members you'd like to work with.

If you feel quitting now would be important for your health, then that's OK, too. You could always say you need a few weeks off and take it from there: perhaps a short break would be even better. You could always say you need more time to study, which is true for most everyone. Should you quit, it's understandable if people are disappointed; however, if they are mad or rude, that's on them because, ultimately, it's a voluntary activity.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:07 PM on March 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Surely you can find an activity that you actually enjoy to serve as a nudge to get you out of the house, if you still need one. If getting out and about is sometimes hard, all the more reason that what you do once you're out there is rewarding to you.

Just a note on the one point: The nudge is quite a lot less important now. This is why I have been reconsidering this particular activity.
posted by solarion at 10:12 PM on March 20, 2016

I feel strongly, having been in this position, that you need to do what is best for you. No one else is looking out for you.

I was (joint with a friend) leader of an activity group. We felt terribly guilty at wanting to finish because it would likely lead to the closure, long history blah blah blah. We ended up finding an excellent replacement, spent lots of time training her for a smooth handover and still, the reaction when we said we would not be resuming the following year but had x, y and z sorted... it was just staggering. We'd both stayed on for more than a year than we wanted and our resignation was still met with a good ten minutes of scolding about how inconsiderate we were being. The ingratitude from paid representatives of the organisation was breathtaking (the parents of the kids were sweet and understanding). My friend ending up staying another year because she felt so sick about their response. I broke away but did support to her behind the scenes. Interesting, the year following we were both diagnosed with autoimmune diseases.

If you aren't enjoying yourself then quit. Or take a break. Do what's best for you. The world will not end if they don't have basses and you could find them a shiny replacement bass and it probably still wouldn't be enough (if you leave, we'll only have one!!)
posted by kitten magic at 10:19 PM on March 20, 2016 [8 favorites]

You made a commitment on which you knew many other people would rely in making plans of their own. Absent a genuinely compelling reason ("I don't wanna anymore" is not one), you should live up to the responsibility you freely accepted--finish out whatever the season is. Then you can move on with a clear conscience. You were happy to use the choir for your own benefit in the past; now it's time to hold up your end of the bargain.

That's the thing about obligations--you're actually supposed to show up for them.
posted by praemunire at 10:30 PM on March 20, 2016 [16 favorites]

I've been in more or less the exact same situation with the exact same initial reason for joining and the exact same reasons for wanting to leave (except in my case it was an orchestra, and instead of singing bass I was one of a limited number of percussionists).

I can't tell you what would happen if you left right now, because that's not what I did. What I can tell you is that I don't regret staying through the end of the season. It wasn't detrimental to my wellbeing to stay, it was just something I didn't want to do. It wasn't exciting overall, but it wasn't terrible, and I'm glad I didn't let anyone down.
posted by teponaztli at 10:55 PM on March 20, 2016 [10 favorites]

You signed up for reasons that are not consistent with the reason almost every else did. You signed up for personal reasons that had nothing to do with the choir. You were using the choir for your own benefit and they are getting a benefit by you participating. The problem is that your quitting before the time frame you gave them is up affects many others who may have made commitments based on your decision to commit.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that if it were me, I would suck it up until the end of whatever commitment you gave them. I would also let them know before the end of the year that you will not be renewing so that they can make their own plans.
posted by AugustWest at 11:10 PM on March 20, 2016 [5 favorites]

I hence signed up for this year to try and obligate myself; but a few weeks in and increasingly it feels like obligation (to parental expectations etc) is the only reason I ever went. I do not enjoy it much.

I recommend fulfilling the obligation you voluntarily took on, evaluating the resulting experience at the end of the period you signed up for, and using that evaluation to inform future decisions you make about taking on obligations.

In my experience, the appropriate time to wriggle out of an obligation is before taking it on.
posted by flabdablet at 1:24 AM on March 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

Normally, I wouldn't give "suck it up" advice, but do follow through on your commitment, like a reliable adult. When the mid-year comes, you'll be free as a bird.
For future activities, avoid obligations, which are a drag for some of us. This means, no Board memberships or the like! Since you're looking for a fun activity to do in your *free time* don't go for things that resemble work.
posted by BostonTerrier at 2:02 AM on March 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

I am generally a "do what you want" kind of person, but I am also a member of a choir that has had to hire paid singers to sing a concert due to a last-minute bass exodus (and many choirs don't have the luxury of being able to hire singers). It sucks, and although as far as I know they all had pretty good reasons for leaving, I was disappointed in those guys.

If this is a church choir or something where you have short cycles (working on the music for next week's service), I would say go ahead and put in notice.

If your choir has a few concerts a year and you're into the rehearsal cycle for your next concert, please stay through the concert (and let the director know as early as you dare that you'll be leaving so that s/he can schedule auditions).
posted by mskyle at 5:15 AM on March 21, 2016 [4 favorites]

I was in the exact same situation you are in. I signed up for a choir at my church, and I was the only soprano (the choir had 4x more men than women, and had several good basses, a handful of good tenors, and two really excellent tenors. Yes, it was weird.) I signed up because I wanted to contribute to my church, do more activities and have a reason to leave the house. Not because I wanted to sing.

I'm a decent singer, but not strong and not a soloist, which is what I basically ended up being. In addition, the choir director was a jerk and picked on me (this is not my self-loathing speaking, many other people commented on how this dude picked on me). I would get nervous and sing worse and hate it more. Every week when I drove to choir practice, my stomach would clench up and my throat would feel tight. I'd get to practice and get picked on the whole time, then I would drive home crying. I'd wake up Sunday morning and cry over my breakfast (which I was unable to eat) because I was so upset about the idea of singing alone (with the choir, but as the only soprano, I was alone on my part, and soprano almost always sings the melody) and so nervous. I'd drive to church, sing with a lump in my stomach, and then drive home crying. It was beyond terrible.

I stuck it out through the main holidays (from November to just after Easter), then quit. I wanted to quit after the first rehearsal, but kept at it because I felt like the choir needed me, since I was the only person on my part. I should have quit. I wasn't there for the right reasons, didn't enjoy it and continuing really damaged me. Even though I'm a grown up adult, those 5 months deeply shook my self-image. People above are making good points about your commitment, but you -- your own self -- also matter. If this is not good for you, stop doing it.

When I did quit, you know what happened? The choir was just fine. The tenors sang the soprano part for a while, the jerk choir director got fired, and a few months later we hired a fantastic director (and lovely person) who built up the choir from people who really want to be there.
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:41 AM on March 21, 2016 [3 favorites]

It's okay to quit. It's okay if you can't gather the fortitude to look the choir director in the eye and say "I don't enjoy this, I'm quitting, and your choir viability is not my problem". You can say you're going to be taking a break for a few months and then just never come back. As soon as you're out for a single concert, the gap will heal over and things will move on in the choir organization. They've had basses come and go before you - you're not critical to the organization, you're just the bass whose phone number they have. If they layer on guilt, ask "didn't you have basses before I joined, have you called them up?"
posted by aimedwander at 7:42 AM on March 21, 2016

If you've never given them reason to think you don't like being there, then dropping out suddenly probably will cause them more problems than if you stuck with them until a reasonable stopping point. It's the end of March already; what mid-year date were you looking at as a possible quitting point?

Obviously if the choir director is being a jerk to you like in OrangeDisk's case it's good to practice self-care and not put up with such behavior, but if this is just something you don't want to do because you don't want to do it, I'd vote for honoring your commitment for the remaining few months until mid-year - or at the very least, give them a heads-up a few weeks in advance of your quitting.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:23 AM on March 21, 2016

Stick it out through whatever performance you're rehearsing for now, and then leave with a clear conscience. I've sung in a lot of choirs and played in a lot of bands and in my experience nobody is irreplaceable. They'll muddle through without you.
posted by Daily Alice at 8:56 AM on March 21, 2016

I give you permission to quit this and anything else at any time for any reason starting now. Use this power wisely.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:08 AM on March 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Another thought: if you mention now that you will be leaving soon, they might actually have a chance to come across another bass on the meantime.
posted by Vaike at 10:52 AM on March 21, 2016

I've experienced this both as the person leaving a choir, and as someone who's part of a musical group where people who've committed to a year have left (temporarily or not) before their commitment was up when we really needed them. The bottom line from both perspectives is that life goes on.

When I left that choir I didn't anticipate losing the friendship of the person who got me interested in joining. At the time I joined, I committed even though I wasn't sure how it would work out with my commitments at work. My bad. Well, work ramped up and I couldn't do the choir anymore without driving myself crazy, so I let the choir director know privately that I'd need to leave. Even so, my friend was mad at me, to a degree which really surprised me. And honestly, it sucks not to fulfill a commitment. But it was absolutely the right decision.

When people have left my musical group, it sucks, because their absence is always felt. No two ways about it. We often have to reorganize things and even abandon certain songs and/or take the embarrassing step of telling everyone that someone left our group and we are desperate for more members. But life always goes on. We try something new or find someone else. The more advance notice we have, the more it helps.
posted by Pearl928 at 12:17 PM on March 21, 2016