Should I go to India?

March 20, 2016 1:12 PM

Should I go to India? My wife will be home alone with our 1.5 year old and I'm having a hard time deciding if it's selfish of me to go.

Here are all the related factors:

• I am a travel consultant and own my own travel business, so it's valuable for me to travel and continue to learn about new destinations.
• I've wanted to go to India for about 10 years now and it's the top destination on my wish list.
• We have $5000 put aside for the trip, which is enough for what I want to do (2.5 to 3 weeks).
• I have enough frequent flier miles to fly round trip, business class, at almost no cost.
• My wife has little interest in India (unless we didn't have a son, could stay only in 5 star hotels, and she didn't have a job).
• It would be a hard couple weeks for my wife. Even with some extra days in day care, it's a lot more work for her.
• My wife is encouraging me to go. She doesn't think it's selfish, although she does think it would be challenging for her.
• She has no idea what it's like having a 1.5 year old. We only know what it's like having a 1 year old (exhausting!).
• We do not have relatives nearby to help, but we could hire a babysitter here and there.
• My wife works and my son is in day care 3x a week.
• I think I would have an amazing time (even though I'm worried I might not enjoy some of it, especially traveling alone).
• I'm a believer in traveling when you have the opportunity because you don't know if you'll have the same opportunity in the future.
• My 45th birthday is coming up and this would be a pretty amazing birthday experience.

On one hand I think I should absolutely take this opportunity and go. On the other hand I am struggling with feeling selfish to go and leave my wife alone with my son for a couple weeks.

Any thoughts? Thank you!

posted by kdern to Work & Money (43 answers total)

My wife is encouraging me to go. She doesn't think it's selfish, although she does think it would be challenging for her.

Dude just go. It will be great for you, and your wife wants you to do it. It'll be a tough 3 weeks for her, sure. I'm certain that you'll do something similar for her down the line, or already have--your whole question is basically premised on you being a caring person who loves his wife. Just. Go.
posted by Special Agent Dale Cooper at 1:17 PM on March 20, 2016 [39 favorites]

Millions of people take care of young toddlers with no partner. She's encouraging you to go. She doesn't want to go herself, at least not under the current circumstances. Go! Your wife might even have a better time than she thinks she will...
posted by kmennie at 1:19 PM on March 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

Oof. My point of view is as a wife to someone who travels about 4x per year for a week at a time for business. Also have no relatives to pitch in. It's exhausting to be *on* 24-7. I've also been lucky enough to get sick about every other time when he's been out of town. Once with food poisening - oh man, that was bad. 3 weeks is a long time and it includes preparation beforehand that would keep you busy and jet lag after. I'm curious if you'd really have that much fun on your own in a foreign country for that amount of time without your family. I've found that a couple days away can be rejuvenating but more than that and it can feel really lonely and oddly purposeless. As your kid gets older and less demanding on your personal time it can be easier to disengage and decompress. But 1.5 yrs is very hands-on and a lot is happening. Not only do I think it is a little selfish but there could be other ways to use that money that would give you an adventure but maybe with enough time and money left over to extend the same to your wife.
posted by amanda at 1:20 PM on March 20, 2016 [10 favorites]

Set aside a little of that $5000 and before you go, surprise your wife with a luxury spa day, followed by an elegant dinner date (babysitter for the little one). Before you go, clean the house from top to bottom for her, do the laundry, and arrange for a few evenings of awesome meal delivery from a restaurant you both love for while you're gone.

2.5-3 weeks is tough but not unmanageable. I left my spouse and 1.5 year old alone for a week long business trip. They survived. I just made an extra effort before and after my trip to do special appreciative things. I actually travel every few months for 3-5 days at a time. It's rough, but it's manageable.

Check in daily on video chat if you can, and spend those chats letting her talk/vent about her day rather than telling her all the fun things you're doing. It helps.
posted by erst at 1:21 PM on March 20, 2016 [38 favorites]

Go and send her on the nicest spa day ever when you get back, and get up early with the munchkin for a couple of weekend days when you get back so she can have a long, long lie-in.

You might see if you could help arrange a couple of family visitors or friend relief for when you're out of town (like, when I left my husband alone with my two kids for a few days, I arranged for some of our good friends to come over one evening with pizza so all the kids could play together and he could have some break from being dad-on-the-spot; when my parents took the kids for a few days I arranged some toddler outings to nature centers and things and made a calendar and left the outing arrangements and maps all on a bulletin board). You also might do what you can to clean the house and stock the fridge/freezer/pantry before you go, just to make it as easy as possible for her.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:25 PM on March 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

Any thoughts?

Is there any reason why junior cannot go with you? It isn't like an 18 month old is in school. You could travel. Your child could get some daddy time. Wife gets a break from the kid. You get off the hook for your guilt trip.

Everybody wins! (Assuming it is feasible, natch.)
posted by Michele in California at 1:25 PM on March 20, 2016 [14 favorites]

Could you set aside some of the money for the trip to allow for someone to come in and do a spot of cleaning and washing during the three weeks, or to allow for babysitting on a regular basis, rather than an ad hoc one? I'm sure you're right about your wife wanting you to go but it might increase your own enjoyment if you know she's not on her own with all the chores.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 1:28 PM on March 20, 2016 [7 favorites]

Yes, it is selfish. Sorry.

Your wife is being very kind, but the truth is you'd be making her life significantly more difficult for an extended period of time, purely so you can have fun. That's not okay. The right way to do this is to cut the duration of the trip in half, and spend the remaining money on childcare and cleaning support while you're away. A spa day is not sufficient.
posted by Susan PG at 1:36 PM on March 20, 2016 [40 favorites]

You want to go. She is encouraging you to go. You should go. And you should encourage her to start thinking about what she would enjoy as much as you're going to enjoy this trip to India, and then figure out a way to make that happen.
posted by Redstart at 1:38 PM on March 20, 2016 [8 favorites]

I think that trip is too long.... 2 weeks tops.... And unless you're quite well off its a lot of money to spend.
posted by catspajammies at 1:41 PM on March 20, 2016 [6 favorites]

Having been away from my small child for several weeks a couple of times, my only advice is that it would probably easier on the kid to do it now, at age 1.5, when their sense of time isn't very fixed and your absence won't be so noticeable. At age three, my son was much more aware and unhappy at my absence.
posted by daisystomper at 1:56 PM on March 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

My husband is in the military. He's currently away for multiple months while I have sole care of our 16 month old. We live hours by plane from the nearest family members and have single-digit numbers of close friends in the area.

Everyone's tolerance for this situation varies. Mine is very high, and it still sucks, but it's doable. If your wife feels her tolerance is also high, then yes, go on the trip -- but my caveat would be that you OWE HER if and when she want to go away for more than a weekend. Are you equally prepared to take on sole parenting duties for a while? My husband is, and will at some point when both our work situations change. That makes me okay with my situation; is it the same with yours?

Daycare time is important so she has time off to herself, because 24/7 solo care can otherwise mean 0 time to herself, and she will need that. Are there any "crutches" you try to avoid or are trying to get rid of? You have to be okay with her using them if that's what it takes to get the kid to sleep after two hours of crying because of teething or a cold or whatever, because when you're on your own, that can drain you pretty damn quick. Is the kid walking or really mobile crawling? Do you need to invest in a playpen to keep him out of the kitchen while she makes dinner or out of other rooms if she needs to do something in there safely without interfering toddler hands? What is your policy on screen time - even if it's normally "none" when you're both home and helping, are you okay with her plopping the little one in front of Sesame Street so she can get something done for ten minutes? (PS, your answers to all of these questions need to err on the side of "yes, I am understanding of the compromises that must be made". There is to be no judgement of the solo parent's coping mechanisms.)

Also, my daughter definitely "gets" Skype. She doesn't seem upset that her dad isn't around at the moment (though the first few days she seemed to be waiting/asking for him occasionally, just in a curious way) but she totally lights up on the few occasions we're able to Skype with him. That's probably worth it. In my view, 2-3 weeks isn't much at all, but to your family it may be.

If she is encouraging you to go, go. I signed up for this life when I married my husband because I knew I could handle it, even if I wouldn't love it. Your wife is signing up for this by telling you to go, even if it will be hard. But make sure she has her own trip (or other "selfish" time without the kid) at some point soon!
posted by olinerd at 2:16 PM on March 20, 2016 [7 favorites]

I don't think it's over-the-top selfish to make the trip, and I think you should do it. But I do think you should either shorten your trip, and/or choose significantly more budget-minded options while there, and use the extra money both for some extra childcare while you're away, and for something specific that would make your wife both happy and personally satisfied in a similar way. The 'spa day' recommendations sound very odd to my ear, so maybe there is some big-ticket item or experience that she has been wanting but hasn't felt comfortable pursuing? That sounds a lot more equitable to me than a day of 'prettying-up' and getting a paltry massage or something.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 2:17 PM on March 20, 2016 [5 favorites]

Have a housekeeper come in 2x per week to do cleaning, tidying, and dishes while you are away, alternatively, hire a nanny who will clean and help with childcare. Many nanny-type folks do light cleaning as part of the gig.

Enjoy your trip.
posted by jbenben at 2:29 PM on March 20, 2016 [7 favorites]

I say go. AND:

1. Have the laundry go to Fluff and Fold twice a week.

2. Get a house keeper in every week that you're gone

3. Put the kiddo in Daycare 5 days a week.

4. Plan meals for every night. Either prepare and freeze, or get those boxes, or plan to hit the hot bar at Whole Foods.

If your wife can outsource the tedious house work, your absence won't be so hard.

Have fun!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:44 PM on March 20, 2016 [8 favorites]

Go, but use some of the 5k for extra support for your wife. Can you hire a chef for a week or even get one of those food delivery services? Plan to have flowers delivered as a surprise mid-trip to her. And be sure to have all the babysitters lined up possible.
posted by Toddles at 2:44 PM on March 20, 2016

I mean, yes, it's selfish, but selfish things are okay sometimes. I would not go longer than 10 days, and I'd use the money you are saving by only going 10 days to treat your wife to childcare, food prep, etc.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:46 PM on March 20, 2016

Does she have vacation time she can use a few hours at a time? Can she go into work an hour or two late a few times while you are gone, or leave work a few hours early? Doing so while the kid is in daycare would give her some time and space for herself and may not make it so daunting for her.

Otherwise, I think you have some good points to consider above. She might actually want to have this adventure of single parenting while you are away on a long trip. Sure, it may be challenging but if she wants to do it then listen to her. I would reconsider the length of the trip though...3 weeks may be too long. (I don't have kids so that that with a grain of salt).
posted by MultiFaceted at 2:55 PM on March 20, 2016

Do it but you owe your wife! Budget some funds to get her more baby sitting and spend a bunch of time cooking dinners and lunches and freezing them for her before you leave. Also make sure the house is spotless and the laundry is all clean and put away when you go so she gets a freebie week of chores

If you love to travel and work in the industry and she has no interest in going this is the best solution. It's probably more work for her to travel with a toddler than to stay home anyway. Down the road it's her turn to spend some money and time on her hobbies and interests and your turn to watch the kid(s).

I participate in a hobby that often requires 2-5 day travel to competitions and this is how all the married couples do it. My friend's husband will watch the kids for 5 days next month then he's going to Florida to fish and she'll watch them. She hates fishing, he hates triathalons, the kids hate being dragged places they have no interest in. It all works out.
posted by fshgrl at 3:21 PM on March 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was just thinking about this kind of situation recently, in my own family's context - my father-in-law did a lot of that kind of recreational-ish travelling when my husband was young. Now we have a kid ourselves (a little older than yours), I am fairly confident that there is no way in hell I would agree to that kind of arrangement. But, my mother-in-law was okay with it, and your wife says she is okay with it, so I don't think there's one true objective measure of 'is this unreasonable?' here - people get to decide for themselves what they're okay with.

However. If you decide to go ahead with this, I think you need to find a concrete way of acknowledging how much this is asking of your wife and find some way to return that to her in the future. Give her every weekend lie-in for the next two years, set her up with a class she's always wanted to do, send her off on a trip of her own, whatever - just find something she wants as much as you want this, and dedicate the same kind of effort/money/time you'd put towards the India trip towards making that happen for her, too.
posted by Catseye at 3:24 PM on March 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

It's a big ask, but I think you should do it. I don't think you should shorten the trip, because given her lack of interest in the destination and the expense and inconvenience of getting out there, it seems unlikely that you'll go again any time soon, so you should scratch that itch fully while you're there.

You have lots of time before you go, luckily, so you can do some things to set her up for an easier time. Any possibility of inviting a helpful parent or in-law to visit for a few days or a week to give her some company and a set of extra hands? (Note: this is only a good idea if the parent in question is really going to be a help and not a source of additional stress). Make and freeze some meals for her ahead of time so that all she has to do is heat them. Engage a baby sitter at least once a week so she gets some non-work, non parenting time.

And understand that when you come back, jet-lagged and tired from all your traveling, it's going to be YOUR JOB to handle the kid for awhile. In fact, suggest that she take a day off work shortly after you get back (not the day after, you'll all need some decompression time) and send her for a spa day or something.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 3:25 PM on March 20, 2016

Obviously there are people on both sides of the issue here, and there's no definitive answer. It depends on your and her tolerance for these kinds of things.

As an example - my ex one time went to Italy without me, for about 2 weeks. We never had a child. I encouraged him to go. I even meant it at the time but we didn't talk much about it and really didn't put that much thought into it. When he came back I was seething with resentment at all the awesome stuff he got to do while I got to just sit at home and work for those 2 weeks. I mean, it might have also had something to do with the fact that he didn't even try to do anything special for me and kind of rubbed it all in my face. Hopefully you'd be a better husband than my ex was to me if you went on this trip hahah.

My thoughts are - if your wife is encouraging you to go, really talk it out. And, I think 3 weeks is maybe a bit too long. I agree with the others above who suggest taking some of that money and maybe putting it towards housecleaning or childcare to help her out, and then when you get home, you should be sure to step up and make her feel special and loved, and give her some free time without your kid if she likes that.

With my now husband (different dude than above!), we actually talked about your question because we wondered where we would fall. I have realized that I will feel a bit resentful if he went to any location which is also on my bucket list or deemed to be fun. In fact, the only places we could think of where we wouldn't have some bad feelings were places like Iran, or Saudi Arabia.

Anyway, good luck!
posted by FireFountain at 3:26 PM on March 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

I think (as a wife, and a mother) that especially in a marriage it's important to believe the words that come out of your partner's mouth. It makes life a lot easier. So, if she is encouraging you to go, then take that at face value.

Then, maybe even before you go, but definitely after, look for ways that you can make her life super easy for 2-3 weeks. Follow through on this.
posted by gaspode at 3:47 PM on March 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

Do it! And bring the kid!
posted by aniola at 3:53 PM on March 20, 2016

For my family, the right answer would be to go and have a terrific time, but only for 10-12 days. Pay for junior to be in daycare 5x/week, PLUS budget for a solo trip somewhere for mom when you get back. (For me, personally, spa day would be insulting and pointless, but there are plenty of trips I'd like to take. Visiting friends, family, group tours, museum cities, whatever. I even got some great suggestions here on MeFi the last time I was looking for ideas!)

For us, $5000 is too much for something that benefits only one member of the family, and 3 weeks is way too much for optional solo partying time while mom is stuck at home.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:56 PM on March 20, 2016 [13 favorites]

Why do you have to go now? In 5 years, you could make it your 50th birthday celebration, leaving behind a 6.5 year-old.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:00 PM on March 20, 2016 [2 favorites]

i think that a good marriage leaves room for everyone to do things that they specifically are interested in. as long as you are up for returning the favor, i think it's great. what i don't really understand is your budget - your flights are paid for and you are STILL spending $5000 for 3 weeks in INDIA? what could you possibly be doing there, most people live on a few dollars a day. of course it's none of my business, and you sound fancier than me (i would never in a million years use extra points to fly business class when those points could be going to another trip for me AND my partner) but if there's a question about money, i'd look into this part of things. definitely the commenters above have some good ways you could spend it.
posted by andreapandrea at 6:09 PM on March 20, 2016 [10 favorites]

I agree with everyone else that ten days is about the limit to be away. My husband took a surfing trip to the Maldives for ten days when Micro Jubey was three months old. Unlike your wife, I didn't have family, a cleaner, daycare, a spa day or any support or help. I was still OK to do it (I will admit to a twinge or two of resentment at three in the morning with a screaming newborn on a few occasions).

My husband actually gone away since leaving me with a four and two year old this time but it's not easy. And no, a few hours at a spa is in no way an exchange for three weeks alone with a toddler. Would it be for you if the situation were reversed?! Keeping in mind that the week you come back is also a write off as you're jet lagged and probably not much help at all.

What I would suggest is you go for ten days, don't fly business class (that's just sheer indulgence) instead, fly economy and take the leftover frequent flyer miles and money and budget a week or so for your wife to go somewhere later so she can have a break. Both you will need breaks and downtime so start thinking of the two of you as a team and how you can best support each other in parenthood. If it doesn't work for one, it doesn't work for either.

Oh, and here's a fun fact I could never have predicted. I was ok with my husband going on a surfing trip but you know who I really copped flack from? My friends. When word got out that my husband was going on a boy's trip and leaving me for week/s with young children, my friends got pretty snippy because in their words 'now my husband will expect it too, you're making us all look bad!' Anyway, go, have fun, just budget for your wife to do the same.
posted by Jubey at 6:11 PM on March 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

Going to elaborate on something I said above. When I said 10-12 days would be ok but 3 weeks would be too much, what I mean is, 3 weeks alone with a toddler while hubs is off partying would be a long enough time that it would be either really awful, or - more likely - actually involve adjusting to a rhythm of life where hubs wasn't necessary. I wouldn't think either of those is a healthy thing to inject into your life together if you don't have to.

(Also $5k is an insane amount to consider spending beyond the cost of flights, for travel within India. You can have an awesome trip for a fraction of that, leaving plenty left over for her to have an adventure too.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:17 PM on March 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

I'm generally in favour of spouses and parents trying to say yes to each other. That said, just a few things to consider besides the every day laundry etc. which I agree needs some money thrown at it:

1. If your baby is not walking & climbing yet, s/he will be at 18 months most likely. What's the shower strategy? Babyproofing situation? People work this out all the time but be sure the environment matches the solo parenting. My kids were so /scary/ at 18 months because they seemed bent on finding every hazard.

2. Backup. India is a loooong way away I assume, so what's the plan if your wife breaks her ankle? Or if your child gets really sick? I know you said you don't have family in the area but do you have good friends or could family get there quickly? Is there a grandparent who could come stay during that time (who would be actually helpful)?

3. Emotional support. 18 month olds can pitch fits. Who can your wife call/go around the corner to if she needs some deep breaths?

4. Sleep. If sleep goes wonky, what's the plan?

3 weeks is really long. If you can do it in a shorter timeframe, I would.

Also, you didn't ask this but I will throw it in. If the $5k is kind of business savings or not a huge huge chunk of your life savings, go to. But if this $5k means that your wife and you and your child cannot afford a vacation together this year, even if it is to a mundane location 45 minutes away, or that you can't order in takeout when your child gets his/her first round of croup that keeps you up all night 3-4 nights in a row, panicking now and then, or you don't have a buffer if your wife has issues at work because your child's on the nth round of stomach flu and she missed a deadline...then this might not be the time.

Everyone says the first year is the hardest and it is in a lot of ways but I personally found the second to be more taxing emotionally and so I needed more as an adult, whereas the first year all I really needed was sleep, if that makes sense. And sometimes that meant more money. Whereas sleep is free if the babysitting is free.

I mention this because what you don't want is for this to become a source of resentment...parenting little kids sort of eats at people's bandwidth to be flexible, because they just need a lot and interrupt a lot and it wears away at the general pile of goodwill...the toddler years especially. But you know your situation and how much your wife's yes is a "yes! go!" and not a "yeesh, fine all right, okay."
posted by warriorqueen at 7:52 PM on March 20, 2016 [5 favorites]

You haven't provided enough info for us to answer if it's selfish or not. How much is $5000 weighed against the household budget, savings goals, etc? Do you take trips as a family? Does your wife also get $5000 trips to herself for 3 weeks? Etc etc etc

I am not against married people traveling separately - for example, I am encouraging my spouse to travel later this year, by himself, to an exotic tropical paradise for a wedding. It's a place I would love to travel to, but I really don't want the stress of dragging our small children across the globe. I can only be ok with this because we had a tropical family vacation (us and our children together) already this year and I know we'll have more this year and the year after. Also, we can pay for his trip without blinking. My husband likes the idea of the trip but is bummed that it can't be a family trip.

I guess my question for you is, why now? Baby and toddler years are typically not the time that parents are ticking items off the individual bucket list. I get annoyed by older people who tell me my kids will grow so fast, I should enjoy them, but ... they do grow so fast! It's really nice to enjoy vacations and travel with the children. I would encourage you if you have the time to take off of work, to spend a lot of it with your child. Your son will miss you. Invest that time in your relationship with your son.
posted by stowaway at 8:01 PM on March 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

This question is really interesting to me because I love to travel whereas my partner is more of a homebody. We don't have kids yet but will likely be in this situation one day. I just asked him what he'd say to me in this situation and he replied: "I'd stay at home with our [hypothetical] kid but want you to go! Six weeks would probably be too much but 2-3 weeks sounds fine." Who knows what the future will hold but how nice for me to hear that!

The fact that your wife is so supportive is great: she's honest about anticipating some challenges but also wants you to do what your heart tells you. I'd take her at her word, and go! It's going to be hard for her, I'm sure, but there are many ways to help make it easier. I like what others have said about using some of the money to pay for additional childcare, etc. Could a family member or friend fly out for part of the time? That'd be a great use of money and probably a treat for your wife as long as the visitor is low-maintenance and helpful. Acknowledging her efforts, showing your gratitude when you return, and encouraging her to do her own treat would be great (and I'm sure you'll do this, based on how you phrased this here!)

I'm sure you'll miss your son and wife but that you'll have plenty of wonderful experiences to keep you busy. You could always get a return flight that can be easily changed in case your homesickness is too great or there's an emergency at home.

FWIW, I'm stunned at how judgmental people can be towards parents who travel for work or pleasure; mothers seem to be judged extra harshly, which is unfair. (I'm not sensing any of this here in the thread but I'm referring to society in general.) There are truly "selfish" things parents can do: draining their child's college fund for a luxury car, abandoning their family and cutting off all contact, etc. To me, what you're doing is not selfish in that sense at all. In fact, your child is still young but I see a lot of positives you're doing here: having a strong and fulfilling career, seeing more of the world, modeling a relationship where partners are generous and thoughtful, and more. I have teen students whose parents travel frequently for work: sure, they may miss them and eagerly anticipate their return (assuming the parent-child relationship is positive) but they seem to understand why their parent is doing this, are in good hands when that parent is gone, and enjoy coming along sometimes coming along when it's possible. Perhaps this trip will be something to cross off your bucket list but perhaps the trip will be the start of a life-long connection to India and your son will return with you one day!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:40 PM on March 20, 2016 [4 favorites]

So! Actual Indian here, if that makes a difference.

My mom is a lot like your wife. She hates travelling and would much rather stay at home. So I can see where your wife is coming from! Especially going to India, which would be massively draining even for somebody who wasn't taking care of a toddler.

That said, 5K not inclusive of flights is a ludicrous amount of money to spend for three weeks in India. You could easily spend 2K of that on making your wife's life a lot easier (cleaning services, babysitter, spa day if that's something she'd like, or big-ticket item she wants) and still have a more than decent time on your trip.
posted by Tamanna at 11:57 PM on March 20, 2016 [3 favorites]

My reaction reading this as a mom of toddlers was horror.
Very surprised that so many people think you should go. I think you should absolutely not go. Reasons:
- It's elective. Yeah, you say you're 'researching new destinations', but you can do that anywhere. Why not do that with your wife and kid someplace that's family friendly? This is really not a business trip and there's no reason why you need to do it now. I'm totally fine with business trips and vacations with your spouse while you have young kids, but causing some severe stress on your wife without good reason? I just don't understand why when there are so many other alternatives.
- 3 weeks is too long to leave your wife in this situation without a REALLY GOOD reason (as noted), but yet 10 days is too short to get a really good trip to India out of. So just wait until a less inopportune time to do this. There are at least a hundred amazing destinations I can think of within a 6 hour flight of Missouri that wouldn't require you to go on an epic 3 week journey nor to spend $5000.

Speaking of which, Tamanna is right. $5k is a crazy amount to spend on a trip to India without including airfare. India is not an expensive place to visit. If you're planning to bathe in rupees and eat truffles and caviar, all the more reason why this is a bizarre thing to do alone for no particular reason except because you felt like it (and a spa day seems like a pretty pathetic compensation for 3 weeks of 'grenades in the trenches' - as my husband and I call solo parenting). I'm sorry that this may sound harsh but you're asking for thoughts and I think as the mom of a 1.5 year old (who's traveled to India for a few weeks alone) I'm in your target audience here.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 1:21 AM on March 21, 2016 [7 favorites]

I didn't list this as a credential but I also traveled to Africa on a business trip when my youngest was 9 months old. I had a full time nanny and had my mother in law move in to my house while I was gone and it was still hard on my husband.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 1:25 AM on March 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

My parents always travelled frequently on their own for work, usually for no longer than three weeks. I travelled overseas several times before my second birthday. My parents were absolutely independent and competent adults with a curiosity and openness towards the world and they had their own lives to live. I grew up with this as normal. It was fine. We were fine. As long as the support is completely mutual I think you will be fine.
posted by flora at 3:37 AM on March 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Could you fly an in-law or close friend out to help your wife and give her another set of hands for part of the time? Three weeks alone with my toddler would be difficult for me, and she's an incredibly easy child, all things considered. Could you cut your trip down to two weeks?

I don't think it's selfish to have a life when you have a toddler (it's not like you're moving there permanently), and I think you should encourage your wife to plan her own getaway(s)--maybe the prospect of a weekend with friends after you get home might help her see the light at the end of the solo-parenting tunnel.
posted by mmmbacon at 5:08 AM on March 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

To contradict a few upthread suggestions, it's okay for your wife to take on the challenge so you can have fun. Having fun is part of what life is about. It'll be okay for you to take on the same challenge at some point so she can have fun. That's part of what a partnership is.

Remember: fun is an important part of life, and challenge is an inevitable part of life. You can't forego the important to lessen the inevitable.
posted by chrillsicka at 9:15 AM on March 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Also, to completely agree with what is being said about $5k, you'd have to rack your brain to find a way to spend even $100/day in a non-silly way in India. I stayed in clean and accommodating places, rode the 2AC trains, and ate many great meals, and the damage was < $2000CAD for 2 months, exclusive of flights. I spoke to a couple who paid $40 for a hotel room to celebrate an important milestone in Udaipur, and they described it as "palatial".
posted by chrillsicka at 9:22 AM on March 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Maybe this is selfish of ME, but I'd want a matching amount of money to use as I see fit. (And not on childcare costs caused by this trip.) If you spend $2000 your wife gets $2000 that is hers 100% for whatever she wants.
posted by MsMolly at 9:52 AM on March 21, 2016 [5 favorites]

I have a 4yo and a baby under 12mos and hubby and I both work full time, and I vote for go, as long as your wife is genuine when she says you should go.

For context, I sent my hubby on a ten day retreat when our oldest was about two. Yes, it will be challenging for a couple of weeks but she will learn a few things about herself as a parent and she will get to focus solely on the baby when she's with him, as opposed to dividing her attention between the two of you. As long as she plans ahead by taking advantage of extra daycare days, and makes some play dates for the weekends she'll be fine. Don't worry about a spa day for her; make sure as many chores are done as possible so she doesn't have too much extra on her plate; make sure the bills are paid, there's food in fridge and freezer, vacuum and do laundry before you leave, make sure there's plenty of diapers in the house, etc. Following your return take the baby for a full day so she can sleep in or go shopping on her own or whatever. And tell her that she's an amazing wife and mother.
posted by vignettist at 1:08 PM on March 21, 2016

Actually, upon reflection, here's what I would do.

- Cut your trip down to 10 days, two weeks at the most. If you've never been to India before, it's VERY easy to get completely overwhelmed, because trust me, it's like nothing else you've ever experienced and about ten times more draining. I remember shocking people by calling Paris 'calm and quiet' in comparison. Hell, Manhattan in the height of tourist season is calm and quiet by comparison. You can't do everything in two weeks so don't even try. You can always come back; India ain't going anywhere anytime soon.

- You do not need anywhere near 5K to have a rollicking good time, especially for 10-14 days. Budget 2K for your trip, 1K to make your wife's life easier (cleaning service, babysitting, meal delivery, whatever) and 2K for her to use completely at her own discretion. Hell, unless flying economy is completely undoable (for, say, height reasons) save some of those points for future use, maybe even for your wife.

- Prep the hell out of things before you go. YOU need to do this shit, not expect your wife to handle it. Cook and freeze meals, leave little notes for her, whatever will make her life easier.

- Make sure your wife knows you're thinking about her. Call/email, pick up gifts and souvenirs, basically don't just forget about her and the kid.

- And finally? Make absolutely sure your wife knows you know and appreciate what a lucky son-of-a-gun you are to have a spouse that would be supportive of you doing something like this.

Bon voyage!
posted by Tamanna at 2:37 PM on March 21, 2016 [2 favorites]

Dad of a 1 year old here. Was on a business trip for 12 days on the other way around, from Asia to North America. The wife was able to manage the kid, but only just so; moment there's a health difficulty - and there are bound to be - it was crazy for her. It also gets difficult to emotionally support your spouse long-distance; Skype / Facetime can make it easy, but the timezone differences are a huge problem. Those calls home between meetings can easily become stressful.

We're currently visiting family in India for 10 days. When and where in India is this? I'm in the south; getting the feeling that this year has been 2-3 degrees warmer than what it is normally (meaning, the peaks aren't higher, but the number of really-hot days has increased steadily) That would put the average temperature in March / April at about 37-40 degrees C in peninsular India.

The daughter loves being pampered by the family, but she is quite surprised by the heat; mind you, this is only a few degrees increase from the 33C average we get in Singapore. But these few degrees do seem to matter for her.

I'm guessing your trip will be in September timeframe? If you're thinking of bringing the kid along, I'd suggest mid-to-late October/ early-November; that's pre-tourist season, but with decent weather across the country, unless you're in the south east (Chennai, specifically), where it'll rain. Additionally, depending on where in India you'd go, taking five-star acco may actually be cheap in then.

The other observation (from a previous trip, where we actually stayed in hotels) is that folks here would look at you like you're superman or something, if you're a single dad who can change diapers etc. You may get a different mileage being non-Indian etc. You also will need to think of a backup for you, if you fall sick with Delhi Belly or something while in India.

My advice: $5k is huuuuge budget for your trip. Spin some of that for your wife, and convince her and the kid to come along. You could set yourself up a base in one of the big cities, while you take solo 1-2 day trips from there to settle business. Easier to miss the spouse for 1-2 days, than for 2-3 weeks across timezones.
posted by the cydonian at 11:25 PM on March 21, 2016 [3 favorites]