How to stop my narcissistic sibling from ruining holidays/reunions?
March 18, 2016 10:44 AM Subscribe
I am having a problem with a family member - my brother. When I am around my brother, he makes cynical, negative and sarcastic comments about other family members and I hate it. He is in his late fifties and is an accomplished individual with a good job, so he has no excuse for his behavior. We have a family reunion coming up, and I (and others) are worried - some don't even want to go because of him. What can we do to make sure the vacation (among other holidays) isn't sabotaged by his negativity? Details inside.
We are planning a family reunion later in the year, which will be a few days long. It's for my parent's birthday, who is elderly to the point where we're not sure how many more years we will have with her. That's one of the reasons we arranged the reunion, and it would be a shame to call it off. However, everyone is worried whether or not my brother will act properly - I don't want to go into this vacation with this hanging over our heads. Also, Easter is coming up and a few people don't even want to go because of him.
He has always been a bully for as long as I've known him (even in grade school), but up to this point has been tolerable enough to deal with as he can be quite funny and charming - in fact I even looked up to him. I've always given him the benefit of the doubt when he did something wrong. Not so much anymore, now that he's in his late fifties.
I've come to suspect that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, although I am not a licensed professional by any means. He gives very little of his time or attention out of generosity - for example, he never sends cards, gives presents or attends events important to me or my kids (like my adult child's play), but he always remarks when someone forgets a card for him or doesn't get enough facebook likes - he's even called people out on these issues. I now realize that this is very petty, even though he doesn't do much of anything for anyone. Going back to the bully point - when he realizes that he's struck a nerve in someone with something he's said, he talks more about it and doesn't really let up. He likes getting a rise out of people. He tried to guilt trip my son for not going to an extended family member's funeral even though my son was living out of country and my brother's own child didn't go, for goodness sake.
I am probably the last person in the family to wise up to how badly he has been behaving, because he is my brother and we have been very close. I am his "favorite" and he doesn't make fun of me - I guess I'm worried deep-down that I'll fall from his good graces. I sense that he is very negative towards those he feels are doing better than him financially - his remarks and insults seem to come from a place of deep jealousy and cynicism, perhaps in an effort to keep the spotlight off of him. I honestly feel bad for how he must feel inside to say such things.
He only behaves when he's around people he wants to impress, like extended family - he is excellent at turning up the charm, to the point where he is like a different person. He's great when he's showing off one girlfriend after another, for example. If he was like this all the time then he'd probably be everyone's favorite relative. Some of those people will be at the reunion, but there will be a lot of opportunity to spread out and he's sure to pick his chances to attack people. Even if he doesn't, we don't want the possibility of the reunion being tarnished by his negativity.
He makes fun of our deceased mother's father, among many others (not me for some reason) repetitively to the point of ad nauseum. It is very uncomfortable to be around him, and everyone is pretty much waiting for him to leave by a certain point so the real conversations can begin. He pretty much acts like a little kid, like throwing a tantrum when we want to watch a movie he doesn't like. He actively tries to disturb us when we're watching a movie, by yelling things.
I know for a fact that his newly adult son is disillusioned as well by the way he has been acting (he's going to college in another state). I worry that I worry that if something happens between my brother and I, it will hurt my relationship with my nephew who I adore.
I called him on the phone once and asked him not to stop saying anything negative about the family - he didn't take it well, and basically pouted about it but stopped doing it for a while. While he was "better" though, he would still make snide comments like "Is this allowed?" for awhile. Now he is worse than he's ever been. Easter is coming and my sons and I want to be with my mom and their grandmother but my brother will be there. I've suggested having Easter at a restaurant as maybe that will make him behave, but my sons don't think that will change much - they also don't want our plans to be dictated out fear of my brother.
He has ruined many holidays with his comments - we feel very uncomfortable the whole meal until he leaves, because we never know when his Mr. Hyde will come out. I am at a point where my sons and I don't want to be around him but in that case we would not see my mom. The only options I can think of is to confront him again or limit being around him. My mother said she would talk to him about it but she doesn't deserve this stress at her age. He is fine when there are other people around - he makes these comments when it is just my sons, my mother and me (or his own son). I have lots of anxiety about Easter and do not like confronting people in general. I don't think I did a good job last time, and I have a hard time standing up to him.
If it were up to me, I would just not be with him on Easter and hope that the reunion would be OK, as I hate confrontation and he usually behaves when the extended family is around. But my children are urging me to talk to him as they say they don't want to go into every holiday and family gathering walking on eggshells. My Mom is also starting to talk about how she's disturbed by his behavior. I am hesitant to confront him as, like I said above, he is nice to me and I don't want to be on his shit list - he can be nasty to those on his shit list. I had a hard time even asking this question, and am getting queasy writing this. (I need a glass of wine!)
I currently am thinking of five options. Could you please give me your feedback on the best course of action, or if you can think of any other options?
1. My Mom, who is in her early nineties, has offered to speak to him (in fact, she told me she feels like slapping him when he says some of what he says). I'm not sure if I should place this on my mother as she is elderly and doesn't deserve this stress. Then again, she is his mother and it might go over better with her doing this. But if it comes from her, he might go back to his old ways once she is gone.
2. I can bring this up with my sister and she can talk to him, although she lives in another state. She doesn't know how serious the issue is with him, and my sons have recommended I bring it up to her. She is very no-nonsense when compared to me and would most definitely put him in his place - she doesn't take any shit, and doesn't give a damn about offending him. I also sense that he would respect her opinion the most out of the others in the family (maybe my mom is an exception). With this option, I'm afraid of it coming back to me as I don't want him to come to hate me.
3. I can talk to him. I don't like this option, for the same reason as #2. Also, I'm not good with confrontation and it didn't go well the last time I tried. I don't think he takes me seriously. I find it difficult to be stern with or yell at my brother, and worry about how he will react.
4. We call off the reunion and limit contact with him. I think this just kicks the can down the road, as he will eventually notice that people are actively avoiding being around when he's there. (actually, he already has noticed in a few instances).
5. Cut off contact with brother or disinvite him from the reunion. I suspect this might be a popular answer, but I'm not sure I can do this - I'm not ready and am not sure if I'm willing. It would start a war, and I would probably only see him again at funerals - I'm sure he would be even worse in that case.
6. Have the reunion, don't talk to him, and hope he will be good. Again, this kicks the can down the road.
What option do you think is best? Any other suggestions? Please be gentle - reading over this question I realize he comes off as a terrible person, but he is still my brother and I'm already feeling sick from this situation. Not sure I can handle any more negativity.
Please let me know if you need any more details - although I don't think you will, as I've already written a novel. Thank you for reading to the end.
We are planning a family reunion later in the year, which will be a few days long. It's for my parent's birthday, who is elderly to the point where we're not sure how many more years we will have with her. That's one of the reasons we arranged the reunion, and it would be a shame to call it off. However, everyone is worried whether or not my brother will act properly - I don't want to go into this vacation with this hanging over our heads. Also, Easter is coming up and a few people don't even want to go because of him.
He has always been a bully for as long as I've known him (even in grade school), but up to this point has been tolerable enough to deal with as he can be quite funny and charming - in fact I even looked up to him. I've always given him the benefit of the doubt when he did something wrong. Not so much anymore, now that he's in his late fifties.
I've come to suspect that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, although I am not a licensed professional by any means. He gives very little of his time or attention out of generosity - for example, he never sends cards, gives presents or attends events important to me or my kids (like my adult child's play), but he always remarks when someone forgets a card for him or doesn't get enough facebook likes - he's even called people out on these issues. I now realize that this is very petty, even though he doesn't do much of anything for anyone. Going back to the bully point - when he realizes that he's struck a nerve in someone with something he's said, he talks more about it and doesn't really let up. He likes getting a rise out of people. He tried to guilt trip my son for not going to an extended family member's funeral even though my son was living out of country and my brother's own child didn't go, for goodness sake.
I am probably the last person in the family to wise up to how badly he has been behaving, because he is my brother and we have been very close. I am his "favorite" and he doesn't make fun of me - I guess I'm worried deep-down that I'll fall from his good graces. I sense that he is very negative towards those he feels are doing better than him financially - his remarks and insults seem to come from a place of deep jealousy and cynicism, perhaps in an effort to keep the spotlight off of him. I honestly feel bad for how he must feel inside to say such things.
He only behaves when he's around people he wants to impress, like extended family - he is excellent at turning up the charm, to the point where he is like a different person. He's great when he's showing off one girlfriend after another, for example. If he was like this all the time then he'd probably be everyone's favorite relative. Some of those people will be at the reunion, but there will be a lot of opportunity to spread out and he's sure to pick his chances to attack people. Even if he doesn't, we don't want the possibility of the reunion being tarnished by his negativity.
He makes fun of our deceased mother's father, among many others (not me for some reason) repetitively to the point of ad nauseum. It is very uncomfortable to be around him, and everyone is pretty much waiting for him to leave by a certain point so the real conversations can begin. He pretty much acts like a little kid, like throwing a tantrum when we want to watch a movie he doesn't like. He actively tries to disturb us when we're watching a movie, by yelling things.
I know for a fact that his newly adult son is disillusioned as well by the way he has been acting (he's going to college in another state). I worry that I worry that if something happens between my brother and I, it will hurt my relationship with my nephew who I adore.
I called him on the phone once and asked him not to stop saying anything negative about the family - he didn't take it well, and basically pouted about it but stopped doing it for a while. While he was "better" though, he would still make snide comments like "Is this allowed?" for awhile. Now he is worse than he's ever been. Easter is coming and my sons and I want to be with my mom and their grandmother but my brother will be there. I've suggested having Easter at a restaurant as maybe that will make him behave, but my sons don't think that will change much - they also don't want our plans to be dictated out fear of my brother.
He has ruined many holidays with his comments - we feel very uncomfortable the whole meal until he leaves, because we never know when his Mr. Hyde will come out. I am at a point where my sons and I don't want to be around him but in that case we would not see my mom. The only options I can think of is to confront him again or limit being around him. My mother said she would talk to him about it but she doesn't deserve this stress at her age. He is fine when there are other people around - he makes these comments when it is just my sons, my mother and me (or his own son). I have lots of anxiety about Easter and do not like confronting people in general. I don't think I did a good job last time, and I have a hard time standing up to him.
If it were up to me, I would just not be with him on Easter and hope that the reunion would be OK, as I hate confrontation and he usually behaves when the extended family is around. But my children are urging me to talk to him as they say they don't want to go into every holiday and family gathering walking on eggshells. My Mom is also starting to talk about how she's disturbed by his behavior. I am hesitant to confront him as, like I said above, he is nice to me and I don't want to be on his shit list - he can be nasty to those on his shit list. I had a hard time even asking this question, and am getting queasy writing this. (I need a glass of wine!)
I currently am thinking of five options. Could you please give me your feedback on the best course of action, or if you can think of any other options?
1. My Mom, who is in her early nineties, has offered to speak to him (in fact, she told me she feels like slapping him when he says some of what he says). I'm not sure if I should place this on my mother as she is elderly and doesn't deserve this stress. Then again, she is his mother and it might go over better with her doing this. But if it comes from her, he might go back to his old ways once she is gone.
2. I can bring this up with my sister and she can talk to him, although she lives in another state. She doesn't know how serious the issue is with him, and my sons have recommended I bring it up to her. She is very no-nonsense when compared to me and would most definitely put him in his place - she doesn't take any shit, and doesn't give a damn about offending him. I also sense that he would respect her opinion the most out of the others in the family (maybe my mom is an exception). With this option, I'm afraid of it coming back to me as I don't want him to come to hate me.
3. I can talk to him. I don't like this option, for the same reason as #2. Also, I'm not good with confrontation and it didn't go well the last time I tried. I don't think he takes me seriously. I find it difficult to be stern with or yell at my brother, and worry about how he will react.
4. We call off the reunion and limit contact with him. I think this just kicks the can down the road, as he will eventually notice that people are actively avoiding being around when he's there. (actually, he already has noticed in a few instances).
5. Cut off contact with brother or disinvite him from the reunion. I suspect this might be a popular answer, but I'm not sure I can do this - I'm not ready and am not sure if I'm willing. It would start a war, and I would probably only see him again at funerals - I'm sure he would be even worse in that case.
6. Have the reunion, don't talk to him, and hope he will be good. Again, this kicks the can down the road.
What option do you think is best? Any other suggestions? Please be gentle - reading over this question I realize he comes off as a terrible person, but he is still my brother and I'm already feeling sick from this situation. Not sure I can handle any more negativity.
Please let me know if you need any more details - although I don't think you will, as I've already written a novel. Thank you for reading to the end.
It sounds like the easiest thing would be to just not invite him. If people ask where he is, lie and say he couldn't make it. If he does wind up asking about it, there's a great opener for you to let him know his behavior has been so hurtful to people that this was the necessary course of action. (Edit - of course the organizer will have to clear this with every single invited person, which is tiresome, but if everyone has been stung by him in the past, they should understand.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:54 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:54 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Guess I left out details... my brother has already been invited to the reunion. Word would definitely get around in our family if he was disinvited, plus pictures would certainly go up on facebook.
Also, our family is non-confrontational in general except for a few family members who live out-of-state. We are looking for more of a permanent solution for the more "timid" relatives who live near him and see him more often (on holidays, etc.). He often stops by unannounced at my mom's house.
posted by BuddyBoo at 11:02 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also, our family is non-confrontational in general except for a few family members who live out-of-state. We are looking for more of a permanent solution for the more "timid" relatives who live near him and see him more often (on holidays, etc.). He often stops by unannounced at my mom's house.
posted by BuddyBoo at 11:02 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'd say that everyone talks to him, lightly.
Somebody gets the chore of saying "looking forward to Easter - but hey John, could you do me a favor and not criticize (mother's father)? It gets her so upset and I hate to see her like that."
Anyone who hangs out with him at the event gets the chore of saying "Gosh, I wish you wouldn't say stuff like that, I love (target) dearly" whenever he gets too negative.
Everyone gets the job of offering mild "please don't" comments, and nobody has to be the big bad guy.
posted by aimedwander at 11:02 AM on March 18, 2016 [15 favorites]
Somebody gets the chore of saying "looking forward to Easter - but hey John, could you do me a favor and not criticize (mother's father)? It gets her so upset and I hate to see her like that."
Anyone who hangs out with him at the event gets the chore of saying "Gosh, I wish you wouldn't say stuff like that, I love (target) dearly" whenever he gets too negative.
Everyone gets the job of offering mild "please don't" comments, and nobody has to be the big bad guy.
posted by aimedwander at 11:02 AM on March 18, 2016 [15 favorites]
Have you checked out the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Randi Kreger? Although it's focuses on Borderline Personality Disorder, there are a lot of common threads between BPD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In addition, there are online support groups via Yahoo! Groups. The others participating in that forum suffer with a spouse, sibling, parent or child.
+1 for man's suggestion of presenting a united front. That front needs to be firm and consistent, too.
posted by dlwr300 at 11:06 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
+1 for man's suggestion of presenting a united front. That front needs to be firm and consistent, too.
posted by dlwr300 at 11:06 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
I realize this will make you uncomfortable at first, but seriously: is there any reason you can't just completely ignore anything he says? I know it goes against social graces to act like someone isn't even there, but well, if he's being a jerk you are under no obligation to indulge him with acknowledgment of his word-flaps.
Your children may feel uncomfortable standing up to an "elder" so you may want to give them your explicit blessing to say "Uncle, you're being a bully, I don't want to talk anymore" and walk away.
posted by nakedmolerats at 11:10 AM on March 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
Your children may feel uncomfortable standing up to an "elder" so you may want to give them your explicit blessing to say "Uncle, you're being a bully, I don't want to talk anymore" and walk away.
posted by nakedmolerats at 11:10 AM on March 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
Presenting a united front where you don't put up with him when he acts like this. You need to get a few people who will just walk away from him and use aimedwander's suggestions of lightly pointing out his comments are unwanted. A few more phrases: "I disagree with what that sentiment. I'm going to go socialize with others now... I'll see you later" every. single. time. he says something rude. Get enough people doing that and he'll either only be hanging out with the people he behaves around or will be standing alone.
No one can require you to stay present while they berate you.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 11:11 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
No one can require you to stay present while they berate you.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 11:11 AM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
You can't make a person change their behavior. I know. My mom is a narcissist. You can manage your own reaction.
The comforting factor is that a narcissist doesn't even know they're doing it. That goes double as we age and our filters diminish, then it's a FRESH source of embarrassment and hell. They don't mean to be nasty and confrontational, their brains just don't see the world and other people in it the same way you and I do.
What sucks worse, and you know this to be true, is that they, themselves are delicate dandelions and they get their fluff blown off if you even hint that they're not acting appropriately or nicely in public. *sigh*
Let your Mom have a word with him, if she's willing. She may not be stressed out about it. She may just be aching to tell him where to get off.
As for you, here are some ways to address negativity or mean statements in the moment, assuming he comes and his behavior slips.
1. Cathy's feelings are hurt
2. That hurts my feelings
3. Did you mean for that to sound as nasty as it did?
4. I don't think that's true
5. That's a harsh statement
6. You need to stop, you're upsetting me (or Mom, or Nancy, or Dennis, or whomever.)
7. I'm sorry, you know I love you, but you've been offensive and we'd like you to leave.
8. Please don't make a fuss or we'll have to call the police/security to escort you off of the premises.
Part of the problem is that there's been no negative consequence...for him.
I had to re-train my mother to have respect for me and my feelings and I have halted visits and packed up and left. I have done this when it was a two hour drive home, or a 5 hour plane ride home.
Were I you, I might call him and say, "Hey Bro, you know I love you, and I know it's been called to your attention before; as we're planning the reunion folks have been asking if you'll be attending because some time in the past you've hurt their feelings and they really don't want you to harsh their mellow. I'll tell you what, we want you there to celebrate, what if we agree on a signal that says that you're getting out of bounds and to stop or change the subject." Then you can give the signal to the more rugged of your family members so that you're not the 'Bro Police' for the whole event. The signal can be a 'Ding!' or It can be an ear tug, or a squeeze on the arm.
If he decides that this is unacceptable, you can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I understand. We'll see you another time then." Thus, disinviting him, but by his choice.
Again, he can agree to be nice, or he can agree not to come.
As for the rest, you can't make other people stand up for themselves. You can model the behavior, but at the end of the day, if other relatives don't want to deal with your brother, that's on them.
My Mom is okay in small doses, and sometimes I just have to leave and take some time for myself. I rarely stay in their home, I'll get a hotel or stay with my sister. If my parents come to visit me, I have a plan to get them into a hotel it if gets hairy.
These days, as she nears 70, although she says obnoxious things, really loudly in public, she doesn't mess with me nearly as much as she used to. Because I don't put up with her bullshit.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:15 AM on March 18, 2016 [8 favorites]
The comforting factor is that a narcissist doesn't even know they're doing it. That goes double as we age and our filters diminish, then it's a FRESH source of embarrassment and hell. They don't mean to be nasty and confrontational, their brains just don't see the world and other people in it the same way you and I do.
What sucks worse, and you know this to be true, is that they, themselves are delicate dandelions and they get their fluff blown off if you even hint that they're not acting appropriately or nicely in public. *sigh*
Let your Mom have a word with him, if she's willing. She may not be stressed out about it. She may just be aching to tell him where to get off.
As for you, here are some ways to address negativity or mean statements in the moment, assuming he comes and his behavior slips.
1. Cathy's feelings are hurt
2. That hurts my feelings
3. Did you mean for that to sound as nasty as it did?
4. I don't think that's true
5. That's a harsh statement
6. You need to stop, you're upsetting me (or Mom, or Nancy, or Dennis, or whomever.)
7. I'm sorry, you know I love you, but you've been offensive and we'd like you to leave.
8. Please don't make a fuss or we'll have to call the police/security to escort you off of the premises.
Part of the problem is that there's been no negative consequence...for him.
I had to re-train my mother to have respect for me and my feelings and I have halted visits and packed up and left. I have done this when it was a two hour drive home, or a 5 hour plane ride home.
Were I you, I might call him and say, "Hey Bro, you know I love you, and I know it's been called to your attention before; as we're planning the reunion folks have been asking if you'll be attending because some time in the past you've hurt their feelings and they really don't want you to harsh their mellow. I'll tell you what, we want you there to celebrate, what if we agree on a signal that says that you're getting out of bounds and to stop or change the subject." Then you can give the signal to the more rugged of your family members so that you're not the 'Bro Police' for the whole event. The signal can be a 'Ding!' or It can be an ear tug, or a squeeze on the arm.
If he decides that this is unacceptable, you can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I understand. We'll see you another time then." Thus, disinviting him, but by his choice.
Again, he can agree to be nice, or he can agree not to come.
As for the rest, you can't make other people stand up for themselves. You can model the behavior, but at the end of the day, if other relatives don't want to deal with your brother, that's on them.
My Mom is okay in small doses, and sometimes I just have to leave and take some time for myself. I rarely stay in their home, I'll get a hotel or stay with my sister. If my parents come to visit me, I have a plan to get them into a hotel it if gets hairy.
These days, as she nears 70, although she says obnoxious things, really loudly in public, she doesn't mess with me nearly as much as she used to. Because I don't put up with her bullshit.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:15 AM on March 18, 2016 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: nakedmolerats - To clarify... I don't think you would understand unless you were around him. These aren't one-off comments - we've tried the ignoring route many times. He would continue saying the same thing for minutes on end until he gets a reaction. If he doesn't get the reaction he wants, he only ramps up. Mild comments don't really seem to phase him - he's very quick on his feet and witty, and is very good at provoking even when you're trying your best not to be.
It is 100% impossible to hold a conversation with anyone else during these times with him making remarks/yelling in the background, Lord knows we've tried. He gets like this any time the conversation isn't about him, his life or his accomplishments - he is probably the worst listener I've ever met.
Apologies for threadsitting.
posted by BuddyBoo at 11:18 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
It is 100% impossible to hold a conversation with anyone else during these times with him making remarks/yelling in the background, Lord knows we've tried. He gets like this any time the conversation isn't about him, his life or his accomplishments - he is probably the worst listener I've ever met.
Apologies for threadsitting.
posted by BuddyBoo at 11:18 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
Managing it doesnt seem to be an option - it looks like your choices are not inviting him (in the future) or not attending. The third path would be to (try to) set up clear expectations with him and go full out confrontational - when he does the things you know he will do, which you have told him will not be accepted, tell him he must go. There is no way to get what you want and avoid conflict/confrontation - you have the choice to avoid it, but it comes at the cost of your continued comfort and happiness.
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 11:25 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 11:25 AM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
He gives very little of his time or attention out of generosity - for example, he never sends cards, gives presents or attends events important to me or my kids (like my adult child's play) ...
I would say your brother is most likely jealous of and intimidated by your child's accomplishments -- and as a playwright, said child might be pretty good at coming up with witty retorts to boorish remarks.
How about issuing your kid a letter of marque against your brother if they're amenable, and seeing whether that will spike your brother's guns for the duration?
posted by jamjam at 11:28 AM on March 18, 2016
I would say your brother is most likely jealous of and intimidated by your child's accomplishments -- and as a playwright, said child might be pretty good at coming up with witty retorts to boorish remarks.
How about issuing your kid a letter of marque against your brother if they're amenable, and seeing whether that will spike your brother's guns for the duration?
posted by jamjam at 11:28 AM on March 18, 2016
Wow--you have really put a lot of time and emotional energy into this relationship. It's beautiful that you love him and feel his care for you. It sounds like his behavior is putting up a barrier to that--one he's aware of himself ("he will eventually notice that people are actively avoiding being around when he's there. (actually, he already has noticed in a few instances)"). You can't change him or anyone else but you can change yourself and your responses. That is where I'd focus--both as an individual and with your family.
For this specific event, as an individual: I would figure out exactly what *you* want to do in these situations. When he goes off the handle, do you want to leave the room until you feel up to engaging again? Do you want to grab someone in the conversation and go talk, just the two of you, somewhere else? You can invite people into a space of calm with you, recognizing they may decline. You can go get a glass of wine and sit on a porch where no one can find you.
You can empower yourself to take care of yourself, knowing that nothing else is really in the sphere of your control. Owning your own right to respond in a way that's healthy for you may give you some flexibility to respond differently depending on the situation; and planning our some potential phrases or responses ("This conversation has gotten very negative; I'm going to excuse myself.") can help you have confidence as you won't have to think on your feet.
These are all things you can do regardless of what your brother, mom, sister, et al do. In my experience, it feels wonderful to own what is yours and let go of what is everyone else's.
Since you asked for more advice for the family, I wrote out these steps. However, I really recommend starting with the advice above. Then perhaps these could be a guide to what you all decide to do. This would probably take a bit of coordination and it is up to you to decide whether you want to invest in it.
In principle:
1. Let him know what you are observing. Make it clear it's about behavior, not his character or identity. "I love you. I don't love how you're acting right now."
2. Let him know how you're going to be responding to it. The response you all choose is one that honors your right to feel safe (as a group) and enjoy the best of what family time has to offer. This conversation lets him know what he can change in his behavior to get the result he would like.
3. Enforce it consistently.
4. If he balks, refer back to 1 and 2.
For this specific event:
1. You can choose a "spokesperson" if that makes it easier. Perhaps your sister. She can have this conversation with him.
2. You all agree that you will not engage/defend each other/leave the room/go get sister if he continues the behavior throughout the retreat.
3. (Do it)
4. Refer back to, "I want to have fun with you but your behavior is making that impossible" or whatever your sister said to him.
Then make a plan for what to do next time.
In future, I'd probably not invite him, but I'd make it clear, again, why that's happening. "We want to spend time with you, Bill, but not at the expense of our own right to enjoy ourselves." I'd consider setting up other times to engage with him, so you can continue what to you is a special relationship. This can also reinforce that you're not ditching *him* but rather his *behavior* at these events.
Notes (to take or leave): I think it will be healthy if you can have distance from what he thinks about you. His responses are not your fault; you don't cause them; rather, he chooses them. You may seek to influence, but he will decide his response. The same is true of everyone else in the situation. For example, you ask in point 1 about "placing" on your mom the responsibility of speaking with your brother. However, this isn't completely something you can place on her. It sounds like she has her own issues with your brother.
I've experienced this blurring of boundaries between myself and others; it can be so hard to tell what's worth listening to, both in terms of what you hear from others and what your gut/internal voice/conscience tells you. You have clearly done so much work already. I might consider running all of this by a therapist as I can hear that you are processing some really tough things. Al-Anon is a good group for people who would like to process how to do life in the presence of someone who acts narcissistic or is not respecting boundaries.
Good luck <3 and take care of yourself.
posted by ramenopres at 11:36 AM on March 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
For this specific event, as an individual: I would figure out exactly what *you* want to do in these situations. When he goes off the handle, do you want to leave the room until you feel up to engaging again? Do you want to grab someone in the conversation and go talk, just the two of you, somewhere else? You can invite people into a space of calm with you, recognizing they may decline. You can go get a glass of wine and sit on a porch where no one can find you.
You can empower yourself to take care of yourself, knowing that nothing else is really in the sphere of your control. Owning your own right to respond in a way that's healthy for you may give you some flexibility to respond differently depending on the situation; and planning our some potential phrases or responses ("This conversation has gotten very negative; I'm going to excuse myself.") can help you have confidence as you won't have to think on your feet.
These are all things you can do regardless of what your brother, mom, sister, et al do. In my experience, it feels wonderful to own what is yours and let go of what is everyone else's.
Since you asked for more advice for the family, I wrote out these steps. However, I really recommend starting with the advice above. Then perhaps these could be a guide to what you all decide to do. This would probably take a bit of coordination and it is up to you to decide whether you want to invest in it.
In principle:
1. Let him know what you are observing. Make it clear it's about behavior, not his character or identity. "I love you. I don't love how you're acting right now."
2. Let him know how you're going to be responding to it. The response you all choose is one that honors your right to feel safe (as a group) and enjoy the best of what family time has to offer. This conversation lets him know what he can change in his behavior to get the result he would like.
3. Enforce it consistently.
4. If he balks, refer back to 1 and 2.
For this specific event:
1. You can choose a "spokesperson" if that makes it easier. Perhaps your sister. She can have this conversation with him.
2. You all agree that you will not engage/defend each other/leave the room/go get sister if he continues the behavior throughout the retreat.
3. (Do it)
4. Refer back to, "I want to have fun with you but your behavior is making that impossible" or whatever your sister said to him.
Then make a plan for what to do next time.
In future, I'd probably not invite him, but I'd make it clear, again, why that's happening. "We want to spend time with you, Bill, but not at the expense of our own right to enjoy ourselves." I'd consider setting up other times to engage with him, so you can continue what to you is a special relationship. This can also reinforce that you're not ditching *him* but rather his *behavior* at these events.
Notes (to take or leave): I think it will be healthy if you can have distance from what he thinks about you. His responses are not your fault; you don't cause them; rather, he chooses them. You may seek to influence, but he will decide his response. The same is true of everyone else in the situation. For example, you ask in point 1 about "placing" on your mom the responsibility of speaking with your brother. However, this isn't completely something you can place on her. It sounds like she has her own issues with your brother.
I've experienced this blurring of boundaries between myself and others; it can be so hard to tell what's worth listening to, both in terms of what you hear from others and what your gut/internal voice/conscience tells you. You have clearly done so much work already. I might consider running all of this by a therapist as I can hear that you are processing some really tough things. Al-Anon is a good group for people who would like to process how to do life in the presence of someone who acts narcissistic or is not respecting boundaries.
Good luck <3 and take care of yourself.
posted by ramenopres at 11:36 AM on March 18, 2016 [7 favorites]
United front. Stop and stare, whenever he makes a nasty comment. Since he makes fun of you for mentioning it, stopping and staring might do the trick. Maybe then he won't feel like he is always the most important person in the room blessing you all with his presence.
posted by destructive cactus at 11:56 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by destructive cactus at 11:56 AM on March 18, 2016 [2 favorites]
His actions have to have consequences. He's an ass... the the consequence of that is that he is now disinvited. So what if word gets around. If you're all on the same page as you say, then they'll be relieved as well. There's no easy, conflict free situation here. He's creating conflict, but his conflict has no end in sight. Instead, you can channel that conflict into productive conflict where the end game is a conflict free zone he is no longer a part of.
posted by cgg at 12:33 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by cgg at 12:33 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
...we've tried the ignoring route many times. He would continue saying the same thing for minutes on end until he gets a reaction. If he doesn't get the reaction he wants, he only ramps up. Mild comments don't really seem to phase him...
It is 100% impossible to hold a conversation with anyone else during these times with him making remarks/yelling in the background, Lord knows we've tried.
You know, it sounds like you've tried to do the civilized, loving thing with him and he just blows everyone off. If he doesn't just make nasty comments, but continues to berate and go on and on, escalating, even to the point of yelling or interrupting other people's comments, where ya gonna go?
You and your family can talk to him--hopefully he will listen and respond. I'm skeptical, but give him the benefit of the doubt this one time. You can try ignoring under a unified front, staring, walking away, or asking him to stop, but I'm betting this will cause him to go on and on ranting until things become very dicey--hopefully not to the point of actually physical confrontation. It certainly sounds like from what you've said he doesn't want to cooperate or change.
He's your brother. Ruthless Bunny has a good script for talking to him. If he doesn't take this well, you can bet he's already planning to use this reunion as a forum to beat others down. Give him one more chance. Beyond that, you either have to live with his aggression and negativity, and cut him out of your family's life, for their sake. No more invites to group gatherings, and make it clear to others if he is invited you won't be attending as a family. It's your choice beyond that if you want to continue to see him one-on-one. Just don't make everyone else miserable.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:54 PM on March 18, 2016
It is 100% impossible to hold a conversation with anyone else during these times with him making remarks/yelling in the background, Lord knows we've tried.
You know, it sounds like you've tried to do the civilized, loving thing with him and he just blows everyone off. If he doesn't just make nasty comments, but continues to berate and go on and on, escalating, even to the point of yelling or interrupting other people's comments, where ya gonna go?
You and your family can talk to him--hopefully he will listen and respond. I'm skeptical, but give him the benefit of the doubt this one time. You can try ignoring under a unified front, staring, walking away, or asking him to stop, but I'm betting this will cause him to go on and on ranting until things become very dicey--hopefully not to the point of actually physical confrontation. It certainly sounds like from what you've said he doesn't want to cooperate or change.
He's your brother. Ruthless Bunny has a good script for talking to him. If he doesn't take this well, you can bet he's already planning to use this reunion as a forum to beat others down. Give him one more chance. Beyond that, you either have to live with his aggression and negativity, and cut him out of your family's life, for their sake. No more invites to group gatherings, and make it clear to others if he is invited you won't be attending as a family. It's your choice beyond that if you want to continue to see him one-on-one. Just don't make everyone else miserable.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:54 PM on March 18, 2016
You are fortunate in one respect-- this person's behavior does not seem to be too divisive. In my family there was always a whole bunch of extra aggro because we disagreed over what to do with them, how bad they were, etc. You all seem to have similar feelings.
I had the most luck saying something like, "You know, I came here to have a good time, not to have this conversation with you again." My family member stormed off into the house when I said that, and came back sobbing that I'd hurt his feelings, but he didn't pull that shit with me anymore. Although coming from a family of alcoholics, I'm inured to having people in various stages of being fucked up and nasty at family gatherings. I would implore you to protect kids from stuff like this, though.
posted by BibiRose at 3:05 PM on March 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
I had the most luck saying something like, "You know, I came here to have a good time, not to have this conversation with you again." My family member stormed off into the house when I said that, and came back sobbing that I'd hurt his feelings, but he didn't pull that shit with me anymore. Although coming from a family of alcoholics, I'm inured to having people in various stages of being fucked up and nasty at family gatherings. I would implore you to protect kids from stuff like this, though.
posted by BibiRose at 3:05 PM on March 18, 2016 [3 favorites]
I've met this guy, and I've met his family. He is awful. The family took turns entertaining him, basically keeping him busy like a toddler so that the others could have a break. No one had the nerve to stand up to him. It was weird. I got away as fast as I could.
You and your family are spending way too much time on this. When he starts acting up, leave the room and allow your sons to do the same. If he wants to know why, tell him that you are finding his behavior a little hard to handle, and you will have to distance yourself if he can't stay within the confines of polite behavior. And then offer to help him find a therapist to fix him. He he goes off on you, call the police and have him removed.
Yes, he is family, but, by tolerating him all these years, your family has helped to build this monster that is now freely wandering the world. Either ice him out, get him help, or continue to ignore, but stop talking about it so much with your sons and commit to some action. He should not be this important in your life.
posted by myselfasme at 3:46 PM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
You and your family are spending way too much time on this. When he starts acting up, leave the room and allow your sons to do the same. If he wants to know why, tell him that you are finding his behavior a little hard to handle, and you will have to distance yourself if he can't stay within the confines of polite behavior. And then offer to help him find a therapist to fix him. He he goes off on you, call the police and have him removed.
Yes, he is family, but, by tolerating him all these years, your family has helped to build this monster that is now freely wandering the world. Either ice him out, get him help, or continue to ignore, but stop talking about it so much with your sons and commit to some action. He should not be this important in your life.
posted by myselfasme at 3:46 PM on March 18, 2016 [4 favorites]
You and your family seem to hope that a single carefully crafted "come to jesus" type talk will be enough to get your brother to suddenly understand, and change all by himself, fixing things for all time. But this isn't going to be a one-time fix, some way of consistently catching him in the act and addressing his behaviour is going to be necessary. And there has to be consequences, otherwise why would he care?
Non-confrontation hasn't worked... which I take to mean everyone simply trying to forget about it and never saying anything to him at all, ever. Well... what happens when someone actually confronts him? And by confront, I mean have a serious discussion not during a family event, in a calm manner. It will take your mother and probably sister to talk to him formally, as a first step. I really wish you would consider partaking as well though, because you probably have far more leverage with him than you think.
If I were in your shoes, YOU specifically, I would bring up how Mom and I are concerned that he's seemed to have been making a lot more of these mean comments lately, and it's stopping people from wanting to spend any time with him, or with Mom because they don't want to risk running into him, he makes them feel very uncomfortable and unwelcome. And we have to do something about this, this isn't acceptable, not if he wants to keep on being included in family events. Because that's starting to be what we're thinking has to happen if he's going to keep doing this.
I'd ask why he makes those kinds of comments - does he think he's just being funny or is he intentionally trying to be mean? Really, honestly, why does he do it? Does he know he makes (me) and mom and everyone else feel really bad and uncomfortable? If he knew, does he care? Is this what he wants, to be doing things that upsets everyone else for the rest of the night, and makes them want to leave? Because it's really not funny to anyone else, and it's starting to make the rest of the family wonder whether they should just not invite him to events. Like the family reunion coming up, for Mom's birthday.
And then I'd remind him of past times, when I remember that we used to have a good time and I really looked up to him. I'd talk about some good times and how he's my favourite brother. When he's being nice, he's lovely to be around, and fun. And we miss that.
But lately this Jekyll and Hyde thing, well the Hyde side, his bad behaviour, you really wish he'd get that under control. Because this is something that's starting to affect everyone, even Mom (and talk about Mom's concerns of how he's changed lately, and how it's stopping people from visiting Mom). We might not say much about it, but he knows we're non-confrontational, and he should know we don't like it. But we've had enough of this behaviour now. We want him there, but not if this bad behaviour is going to persist. We want the nice brother back, who we like spending time with.
Then we see what he says - is he remorseful? Does he understand his negative behaviours have to get under control? Is he willing to change, for you and the family? Hopefully yes.
Talk about how you propose this is going to be dealt with from now on. I think he has to quit it, cold turkey, and the family will have to be on board with policing him. It won't be fun for him, but he has to realize that last time he backslid really bad, and going forward perhaps it's best to just make it a zero tolerance policy - no snide remarks, if he doesn't have anything nice to say, he can't say anything at all. No more. And YOU and the family will monitor that at gatherings, catch him in the act, make him apologize preferably. Three strikes at a family gathering and he'll be expected to leave without a fuss. He is absolutely welcome, IF he is on good behaviour. Emphasize you want him there, you like spending time with him, but it's just these comments and bad behaviour that aren't welcome.
The plan-of-action to address his behaviour long-term requires the buy-in of the whole family. Everyone has to be prepared to speak up and catch him, nip it in the bud.
If your brother is such a self-absorbed jerk that this talking-to doesn't elicit any kind of remorse and promise to reform, well I think you will have to follow through on a threat to disinvite him to family events, and make him understand he won't be welcome unless he actively makes an effort to change. If he chooses to show up and make a scene at the family reunion, have him removed from the premises - by strong lads, or by cops if necessary. He's allowed to be there on good behaviour only.
posted by lizbunny at 5:23 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Non-confrontation hasn't worked... which I take to mean everyone simply trying to forget about it and never saying anything to him at all, ever. Well... what happens when someone actually confronts him? And by confront, I mean have a serious discussion not during a family event, in a calm manner. It will take your mother and probably sister to talk to him formally, as a first step. I really wish you would consider partaking as well though, because you probably have far more leverage with him than you think.
If I were in your shoes, YOU specifically, I would bring up how Mom and I are concerned that he's seemed to have been making a lot more of these mean comments lately, and it's stopping people from wanting to spend any time with him, or with Mom because they don't want to risk running into him, he makes them feel very uncomfortable and unwelcome. And we have to do something about this, this isn't acceptable, not if he wants to keep on being included in family events. Because that's starting to be what we're thinking has to happen if he's going to keep doing this.
I'd ask why he makes those kinds of comments - does he think he's just being funny or is he intentionally trying to be mean? Really, honestly, why does he do it? Does he know he makes (me) and mom and everyone else feel really bad and uncomfortable? If he knew, does he care? Is this what he wants, to be doing things that upsets everyone else for the rest of the night, and makes them want to leave? Because it's really not funny to anyone else, and it's starting to make the rest of the family wonder whether they should just not invite him to events. Like the family reunion coming up, for Mom's birthday.
And then I'd remind him of past times, when I remember that we used to have a good time and I really looked up to him. I'd talk about some good times and how he's my favourite brother. When he's being nice, he's lovely to be around, and fun. And we miss that.
But lately this Jekyll and Hyde thing, well the Hyde side, his bad behaviour, you really wish he'd get that under control. Because this is something that's starting to affect everyone, even Mom (and talk about Mom's concerns of how he's changed lately, and how it's stopping people from visiting Mom). We might not say much about it, but he knows we're non-confrontational, and he should know we don't like it. But we've had enough of this behaviour now. We want him there, but not if this bad behaviour is going to persist. We want the nice brother back, who we like spending time with.
Then we see what he says - is he remorseful? Does he understand his negative behaviours have to get under control? Is he willing to change, for you and the family? Hopefully yes.
Talk about how you propose this is going to be dealt with from now on. I think he has to quit it, cold turkey, and the family will have to be on board with policing him. It won't be fun for him, but he has to realize that last time he backslid really bad, and going forward perhaps it's best to just make it a zero tolerance policy - no snide remarks, if he doesn't have anything nice to say, he can't say anything at all. No more. And YOU and the family will monitor that at gatherings, catch him in the act, make him apologize preferably. Three strikes at a family gathering and he'll be expected to leave without a fuss. He is absolutely welcome, IF he is on good behaviour. Emphasize you want him there, you like spending time with him, but it's just these comments and bad behaviour that aren't welcome.
The plan-of-action to address his behaviour long-term requires the buy-in of the whole family. Everyone has to be prepared to speak up and catch him, nip it in the bud.
If your brother is such a self-absorbed jerk that this talking-to doesn't elicit any kind of remorse and promise to reform, well I think you will have to follow through on a threat to disinvite him to family events, and make him understand he won't be welcome unless he actively makes an effort to change. If he chooses to show up and make a scene at the family reunion, have him removed from the premises - by strong lads, or by cops if necessary. He's allowed to be there on good behaviour only.
posted by lizbunny at 5:23 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Define the problem
Be firm
Explain consequences
What I'd say, or your mother should say:
You're fifty five years old, well and truly old enough for your family to be direct with you. You are old enough and otherwise accomplished in life to be able to sit and listen, so please just listen and think.
I have a party coming up and it upsets me to think some are considering not coming because of how you treat us.
You bully us, dominating others with your harsh attitudes and judgments of our lives
You criticise us to our faces and behind our backs
You yell at people spending family time together and you have childish tantrums when you don't get your own way
You try to get a rise out of people, rather than giving others around you a pleasant experience of family time
Some of the ways you get a rise is are about criticising my father. This is disgraceful and upsetting.
You don't perform the kin-keeping labour that you criticise as absent in others.
You only act pleasantly and maturely when you are trying to impress outsiders. This is disrespectful to us, who've known you and loved you your whole life.
When you have previously been taken to task for your dynamic, you have pooh-poohed and continued as before.
[do not get sidetracked or into litigation. Remind him that he's listening, not talking. Talking's got him into this situation.]
The consequences.
We are having Easter together and if we see *any* of these behaviours, even just once, you will not be coming to the reunion. We've talked about it and that is what we have decided. We want to have a nice time without dread. If you passively aggressively dance about Easter, or huffily don't turn up, you will not be coming to my reunion. I am seriously unhappy to say this because I love you and want you to be there.
If you don't think you can change, if you're too upset with us for being upset for many years by your behaviour, if you're angry and bewildered, I'd like you to go get the help you need to figure it out without us bearing the brunt of it. I want to have a lovely time with my family, ALL of my family. Can you come into this family with respect and kindness? I want to have you there.
posted by honey-barbara at 12:12 AM on March 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Be firm
Explain consequences
What I'd say, or your mother should say:
You're fifty five years old, well and truly old enough for your family to be direct with you. You are old enough and otherwise accomplished in life to be able to sit and listen, so please just listen and think.
I have a party coming up and it upsets me to think some are considering not coming because of how you treat us.
You bully us, dominating others with your harsh attitudes and judgments of our lives
You criticise us to our faces and behind our backs
You yell at people spending family time together and you have childish tantrums when you don't get your own way
You try to get a rise out of people, rather than giving others around you a pleasant experience of family time
Some of the ways you get a rise is are about criticising my father. This is disgraceful and upsetting.
You don't perform the kin-keeping labour that you criticise as absent in others.
You only act pleasantly and maturely when you are trying to impress outsiders. This is disrespectful to us, who've known you and loved you your whole life.
When you have previously been taken to task for your dynamic, you have pooh-poohed and continued as before.
[do not get sidetracked or into litigation. Remind him that he's listening, not talking. Talking's got him into this situation.]
The consequences.
We are having Easter together and if we see *any* of these behaviours, even just once, you will not be coming to the reunion. We've talked about it and that is what we have decided. We want to have a nice time without dread. If you passively aggressively dance about Easter, or huffily don't turn up, you will not be coming to my reunion. I am seriously unhappy to say this because I love you and want you to be there.
If you don't think you can change, if you're too upset with us for being upset for many years by your behaviour, if you're angry and bewildered, I'd like you to go get the help you need to figure it out without us bearing the brunt of it. I want to have a lovely time with my family, ALL of my family. Can you come into this family with respect and kindness? I want to have you there.
posted by honey-barbara at 12:12 AM on March 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you and your family have tried to get through to this guy. Treating him like an adult and presenting your concerns hasn't worked. Most people would be brought up short with what you have previously explained to him.
So much emotional work for all of you. And he has no idea how much he is blessed by having a family that is still trying to salvage the relationship.
So this suggestion isn't meant to give him the benefit of the doubt, and is a bit simplistic. But it is easy and very hard at the same time.
Everyone that is part of the front agrees to replying to nasty comments with just one sentence.
For example, That's just mean.
That's just mean.
That's just mean.
But if what he has to say is appropriate, carry on as if he was a normal human being.
Let him escalate, mock you whatever. I am certain that he knows everyone's tender spots and it will really hurt. But do it long enough. I wonder what would happen if you all could see it through.
But then again I am rather mean.
posted by moonlily at 12:37 AM on March 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
So much emotional work for all of you. And he has no idea how much he is blessed by having a family that is still trying to salvage the relationship.
So this suggestion isn't meant to give him the benefit of the doubt, and is a bit simplistic. But it is easy and very hard at the same time.
Everyone that is part of the front agrees to replying to nasty comments with just one sentence.
For example, That's just mean.
That's just mean.
That's just mean.
But if what he has to say is appropriate, carry on as if he was a normal human being.
Let him escalate, mock you whatever. I am certain that he knows everyone's tender spots and it will really hurt. But do it long enough. I wonder what would happen if you all could see it through.
But then again I am rather mean.
posted by moonlily at 12:37 AM on March 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
Sorry for the second post, But don't explain yourself. Don't explain why what he said was mean.
posted by moonlily at 12:38 AM on March 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by moonlily at 12:38 AM on March 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
This is who he is, I sincerely doubt that anything you say to him will cause him to change his behavior, it hasn't in the past, it won't now.
You have two choices.. You can either not invite him to the event, or, if you choose to invite him, do so with the understanding that he WILL be an ass and, when he is an ass, you will pack up and leave. If I were you I would avoid, at all costs, getting into a position where it was impossible to leave.
You can't change other people, you can only make your own choices.
And, we must be related, because I think you described my former brother-in-law.... (and, yes, when dear b-i-l was an ass, we packed up the kids and went home, every.single.time.)
posted by HuronBob at 3:39 AM on March 19, 2016
You have two choices.. You can either not invite him to the event, or, if you choose to invite him, do so with the understanding that he WILL be an ass and, when he is an ass, you will pack up and leave. If I were you I would avoid, at all costs, getting into a position where it was impossible to leave.
You can't change other people, you can only make your own choices.
And, we must be related, because I think you described my former brother-in-law.... (and, yes, when dear b-i-l was an ass, we packed up the kids and went home, every.single.time.)
posted by HuronBob at 3:39 AM on March 19, 2016
His self destructive behaviour is taking him exactly where he wants to go, into hellish aloneness where he can think he is justfied, and yet knows he isnt. when you understand his underlying motives of shame/anger it might help you not react. also, how did he become this way, is shaming a family issue generally?
posted by RelaxingOne at 6:13 AM on March 19, 2016
posted by RelaxingOne at 6:13 AM on March 19, 2016
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Your children are now, or going to be soon, at the age where they will choose to opt out of events on their own because of the stress they bring. By accommodating your brother, you may help them choose to end their relationship with your mother and your extended family.
I suggest 1,2 and also 3, with 5 as a consequence if he doesn't modify his behavior. This will be difficult.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:53 AM on March 18, 2016 [5 favorites]