Non-political Platform Issues
March 15, 2016 12:25 PM Subscribe
Last weekend I jokingly suggested to my family that am going to run for president as an independent with a platform of issues that are completely apolitical. I want to add other items to my imaginary platform, but I only want issues that are inherently neither conservative or liberal. For instance, I would pledge to abolish Daylight Savings Time and eliminate the penny. What others can you suggest?
This election season has been the most horrible in recent memory. It has made me long for a third way. So I dream of a third party candidate who swoops in out of nowhere and turns this election cycle on its head. The beauty of this person's campaign is that because the candidate would not be one of the major parties they could legitimately claim that they shouldn't take a position on legislative issues that the existing two parties already care about like education policy, foreign policy, immigration, etc.
Here are the items I have come up with so far. My idea is that I want issues that a third party candidate could run on that wouldn't necessarily trigger either conservatives or liberals to already have a strong opinion, but seem like good sensible things to do and/or are supported by good evidence or logic.
List of Current Policies:
Eliminate Daylight Savings Time
Condense the number of US time zones from four to two
Get rid of the penny
Put the US on the metric system
Adopt the Henry Henke Calendar
Simplify Tax Filing by having the IRS issue a preliminary filing each year that outlines your proposed refund if you use the standard deduction
This election season has been the most horrible in recent memory. It has made me long for a third way. So I dream of a third party candidate who swoops in out of nowhere and turns this election cycle on its head. The beauty of this person's campaign is that because the candidate would not be one of the major parties they could legitimately claim that they shouldn't take a position on legislative issues that the existing two parties already care about like education policy, foreign policy, immigration, etc.
Here are the items I have come up with so far. My idea is that I want issues that a third party candidate could run on that wouldn't necessarily trigger either conservatives or liberals to already have a strong opinion, but seem like good sensible things to do and/or are supported by good evidence or logic.
List of Current Policies:
Eliminate Daylight Savings Time
Condense the number of US time zones from four to two
Get rid of the penny
Put the US on the metric system
Adopt the Henry Henke Calendar
Simplify Tax Filing by having the IRS issue a preliminary filing each year that outlines your proposed refund if you use the standard deduction
Best answer: Dump the Mercator projection in favor of one of the other, more area-retaining map options.
posted by brainmouse at 12:30 PM on March 15, 2016 [19 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 12:30 PM on March 15, 2016 [19 favorites]
Convert the US to the UK rules and regulations for chocolate.
posted by erst at 12:31 PM on March 15, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by erst at 12:31 PM on March 15, 2016 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Require an easy-to-access webpage and automated phone line that allows for one-button penalty free cancellation of any recurring charged service.
posted by selfnoise at 12:32 PM on March 15, 2016 [30 favorites]
posted by selfnoise at 12:32 PM on March 15, 2016 [30 favorites]
There's also the tack of re-stating completely obvious things that have been laws so long that everyone universally agrees on them and takes them for granted.
posted by phunniemee at 12:34 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
"I personally believe that it should be illegal to stab someone in the face."(Go with something slightly more subtle than face stabbing to get the full effect.)
"What?? Are there places where face stabbing is legal??"
"I'm just saying I don't want to live in a country where a man can stab another man in the face for no reason and get off scot-free."
posted by phunniemee at 12:34 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Declare once and for all which way the toilet paper roll goes.
posted by JanetLand at 12:35 PM on March 15, 2016 [19 favorites]
posted by JanetLand at 12:35 PM on March 15, 2016 [19 favorites]
And seat/lid up or down, while you're at it.
posted by JanetLand at 12:35 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by JanetLand at 12:35 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Standardize number of hot dogs and hot dog buns per package.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:38 PM on March 15, 2016 [37 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 12:38 PM on March 15, 2016 [37 favorites]
Standardize number of hot dogs and hot dog buns per package.
Yes! At 3 and 7 respectively!
posted by bswinburn at 12:40 PM on March 15, 2016 [12 favorites]
Yes! At 3 and 7 respectively!
posted by bswinburn at 12:40 PM on March 15, 2016 [12 favorites]
Bring back the ancient Greek practise of ostracism: once a year everyone gets to vote to choose which one annoying person should be thrown out of the country.
posted by w0mbat at 12:44 PM on March 15, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by w0mbat at 12:44 PM on March 15, 2016 [8 favorites]
Bring back tan M&Ms.
posted by FencingGal at 12:46 PM on March 15, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 12:46 PM on March 15, 2016 [11 favorites]
Standardize handles/panels on push/pull doors so you never pull a push door with a handle again.
posted by radioamy at 12:47 PM on March 15, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by radioamy at 12:47 PM on March 15, 2016 [10 favorites]
Declare if Razzles are a candy or a gum.
posted by AugustWest at 12:48 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 12:48 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
Occupied/available indicators on every restroom stall. Yes we can!
posted by esoterrica at 12:49 PM on March 15, 2016 [19 favorites]
posted by esoterrica at 12:49 PM on March 15, 2016 [19 favorites]
Mandatory minimum sentencing for not securely fastening the cap of the toothpaste tube.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 12:50 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 12:50 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
You might get some inspiration from reading about Gracie Allen's presidential campaign in 1940.
posted by JanetLand at 12:52 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by JanetLand at 12:52 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
Bring back the vent windows in cars, and full-width front seats where you can sit with your sweetie right next to you in the middle.
posted by beagle at 12:52 PM on March 15, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by beagle at 12:52 PM on March 15, 2016 [10 favorites]
Tax incentives and grants for the development of new drive-in movies
Ban on products labeled as hummus that do not contain tahini
posted by Alluring Mouthbreather at 12:54 PM on March 15, 2016 [7 favorites]
Ban on products labeled as hummus that do not contain tahini
posted by Alluring Mouthbreather at 12:54 PM on March 15, 2016 [7 favorites]
Right turn okay on red in every state!
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:56 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:56 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
You could look through evergreen topics of middlebrow comedians -- mandatory improvements in airplane food, ban those annoying free papers that show up unwanted on your driveway, etc.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:57 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:57 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Oh, and junk phone calls/phone scams that prey on the elderly -- switch some fraction of the NSA/FBI surveillance apparatus over to tracking those fuckers down.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:59 PM on March 15, 2016 [30 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:59 PM on March 15, 2016 [30 favorites]
Only parmesan in the canisters of ground parmesan!
National bagel standards and a bureau with teeth, as it were, to enforce them. No more circular bread!
Add Dad Jokes to the national archive; fund a collecting/recording project.
posted by Frowner at 12:59 PM on March 15, 2016 [7 favorites]
National bagel standards and a bureau with teeth, as it were, to enforce them. No more circular bread!
Add Dad Jokes to the national archive; fund a collecting/recording project.
posted by Frowner at 12:59 PM on March 15, 2016 [7 favorites]
Condense the number of US time zones from four to two
Oooh ooh, I'll debate you on that one.
Here are my suggestions. Some may be partisan if you consider "personal freedom" type things to fall under partisan issues:
-make dollar bills different colors by denomination
-restrict ownership of exotic animals
-change all forms to have the verification signature at the top (credit to planet money - interesting episode, worth a listen!)
-one line for all cash registers (same planet money episode)
-ban reply all on emails over a certain number of recipients
-public cell phone charging stations
-move all DMV operations, voter registration, tax filing, and other bureaucratic necessities to intuitive online portals
posted by R a c h e l at 1:00 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
Oooh ooh, I'll debate you on that one.
Here are my suggestions. Some may be partisan if you consider "personal freedom" type things to fall under partisan issues:
-make dollar bills different colors by denomination
-restrict ownership of exotic animals
-change all forms to have the verification signature at the top (credit to planet money - interesting episode, worth a listen!)
-one line for all cash registers (same planet money episode)
-ban reply all on emails over a certain number of recipients
-public cell phone charging stations
-move all DMV operations, voter registration, tax filing, and other bureaucratic necessities to intuitive online portals
posted by R a c h e l at 1:00 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
Standardize number of hot dogs and hot dog buns per package.
And Condoms.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 1:01 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
And Condoms.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 1:01 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Either nationalize the Idaho stop or ban it all together - I don't care which, but consistent standards.
posted by Frowner at 1:01 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Frowner at 1:01 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: opt-out organ donation?
posted by BungaDunga at 1:07 PM on March 15, 2016 [18 favorites]
posted by BungaDunga at 1:07 PM on March 15, 2016 [18 favorites]
Mandate standing toilets but sitting while wiping.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 1:08 PM on March 15, 2016
posted by Confess, Fletch at 1:08 PM on March 15, 2016
Stricter penalties for animal cruelty.
Mandatory community service for all able citizens.
Ban door to door solicitors of all kinds (cookie sellers, religion peddlers, bug service sales, political canvassing)
Cap movie ticket and theater snack prices.
Criminalize driving with a forgotten turn signal on.
posted by cecic at 1:09 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
Mandatory community service for all able citizens.
Ban door to door solicitors of all kinds (cookie sellers, religion peddlers, bug service sales, political canvassing)
Cap movie ticket and theater snack prices.
Criminalize driving with a forgotten turn signal on.
posted by cecic at 1:09 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
Eliminate personalized license plates that don't make sense.
posted by chevyvan at 1:09 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by chevyvan at 1:09 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Strict prohibition of microwaving fish in public places or offices
posted by esoterrica at 1:10 PM on March 15, 2016 [21 favorites]
posted by esoterrica at 1:10 PM on March 15, 2016 [21 favorites]
Unsolicited (ie: Junk) mail cannot have the recipients name anywhere on it.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 1:11 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Confess, Fletch at 1:11 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
That thing people do when they make the "typey typey" motion with their fingers when they're telling you about an email they wrote? Make that against the law.
posted by bondcliff at 1:11 PM on March 15, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by bondcliff at 1:11 PM on March 15, 2016 [8 favorites]
You might get some inspiration from reading about Gracie Allen's presidential campaign in 1940.
Reanimate Gracie Allen.
posted by notyou at 1:13 PM on March 15, 2016 [8 favorites]
Reanimate Gracie Allen.
posted by notyou at 1:13 PM on March 15, 2016 [8 favorites]
I like the typey-typey motion
I bet you could make yourself popular by banning air-quotes.
It could be a jobs-program - someone would go around and slap your wrist (lightly) every time you used them.
I would have to be a dissident under this regime, of course, and my wrists would be black and blue.
posted by Frowner at 1:18 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
I bet you could make yourself popular by banning air-quotes.
It could be a jobs-program - someone would go around and slap your wrist (lightly) every time you used them.
I would have to be a dissident under this regime, of course, and my wrists would be black and blue.
posted by Frowner at 1:18 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Your joking suggestion to your family is the concept behind Why Not Me?: The Inside Story of the Making and Unmaking of the Franken Presidency. In it, Al Franken runs for president on the single issue of eliminating high ATM fees.
Also, a lot of the ideas listed above would not remain apolitical. The phase out of incandescent light bulbs sounds fairly apolitical, but became highly politicized for a short time. You think real patriots would accept a commie elimination of the penny or a conversion to the cucktric system?
posted by ND¢ at 1:22 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also, a lot of the ideas listed above would not remain apolitical. The phase out of incandescent light bulbs sounds fairly apolitical, but became highly politicized for a short time. You think real patriots would accept a commie elimination of the penny or a conversion to the cucktric system?
posted by ND¢ at 1:22 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
No one would be allowed to say, "Just sayin'."
posted by JanetLand at 1:22 PM on March 15, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by JanetLand at 1:22 PM on March 15, 2016 [11 favorites]
Form a Pothole Corp to walk all streets of America 24-7-365 repairing all minor road defects.
posted by littlewater at 1:22 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by littlewater at 1:22 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Capital punishment for the following:
Ordering "A beer" in a bar without specifying type, size, etc.
Weaving or walking in a meandering manner when someone is walking behind you and trying to pass.
Not cleaning up your dog's poop.
Using literally when you mean figuratively.
Use of "irregardless".
Dreadlocks on white people.
Socks and sandals, except for Germans or people who can prove that they were at Woodstock.
Black socks and shorts.
I could go on...
posted by conifer at 1:22 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
Ordering "A beer" in a bar without specifying type, size, etc.
Weaving or walking in a meandering manner when someone is walking behind you and trying to pass.
Not cleaning up your dog's poop.
Using literally when you mean figuratively.
Use of "irregardless".
Dreadlocks on white people.
Socks and sandals, except for Germans or people who can prove that they were at Woodstock.
Black socks and shorts.
I could go on...
posted by conifer at 1:22 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
Insist on going from Dewey Decimal to Library of Congress
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:24 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:24 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
Ban catsup on hotdogs. Mustard only.
posted by AugustWest at 1:25 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 1:25 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
I feel like some kind of kitten dispensing program would prove popular. "A kitten in every pot" probably isn't the effect we want....No Kitten Left Behind, perhaps.
Okay, this is it: a federally funded nonprofit chain of cat cafes! Grants to support bookstore cats! An NIH agency charged with developing more challenging cat toys!
Also, recuperating famous slogans from elections past - I've been reading up on 1948, and I've always felt that "Ask Your Dad" could be repurposed*.
(*It was a Labor slogan in the UK, and basically meant "ask your dad about the bad times the Conservatives brought us in the 1930s, do you want to go back to that".)
posted by Frowner at 1:27 PM on March 15, 2016 [10 favorites]
Okay, this is it: a federally funded nonprofit chain of cat cafes! Grants to support bookstore cats! An NIH agency charged with developing more challenging cat toys!
Also, recuperating famous slogans from elections past - I've been reading up on 1948, and I've always felt that "Ask Your Dad" could be repurposed*.
(*It was a Labor slogan in the UK, and basically meant "ask your dad about the bad times the Conservatives brought us in the 1930s, do you want to go back to that".)
posted by Frowner at 1:27 PM on March 15, 2016 [10 favorites]
Ban "catsup" in favor of the proper spelling, ketchup.
posted by zebra at 1:29 PM on March 15, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by zebra at 1:29 PM on March 15, 2016 [16 favorites]
Ban spelling ketchup as "catsup".
posted by dness2 at 1:30 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by dness2 at 1:30 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
Make dragon husbandry legal.
Only brokerage houses and high-end investment banks may use Comic Sans and they are required to use it.
Homebrewing as a legal requirement of every householder.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 1:31 PM on March 15, 2016 [6 favorites]
Only brokerage houses and high-end investment banks may use Comic Sans and they are required to use it.
Homebrewing as a legal requirement of every householder.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 1:31 PM on March 15, 2016 [6 favorites]
Metrification isn't nonpolitical; it is "definitely Communist" - or maybe "an Arab plot," depending on who you believe.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:32 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:32 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
The Truth in Fruit Candy Act --
Whereas there IS no such thing as a blue raspberry, and
Whereas blue raspberry candy is simply not good, and
Whereas candy manufacturers may come up with something even more stupid any day now,
Be it resolved that candy colors shall resemble the color of the actual fruit that they purport to imitate.
posted by salvia at 1:34 PM on March 15, 2016 [13 favorites]
Whereas there IS no such thing as a blue raspberry, and
Whereas blue raspberry candy is simply not good, and
Whereas candy manufacturers may come up with something even more stupid any day now,
Be it resolved that candy colors shall resemble the color of the actual fruit that they purport to imitate.
posted by salvia at 1:34 PM on March 15, 2016 [13 favorites]
No candy or foodstuff is given "banana" flavor, except bananas, which shall not be fiddled with.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 1:36 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 1:36 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
Everybody who is capable must work in customer service for at least one year. Think how much more understanding we would all be if we all had to do it.
posted by Elly Vortex at 1:36 PM on March 15, 2016 [17 favorites]
posted by Elly Vortex at 1:36 PM on March 15, 2016 [17 favorites]
Usage of the word "literally" shall be strictly enforced.
People who don't pick up after their dogs shall have the poop smeared upon their foreheads in shame.
posted by Elly Vortex at 1:37 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
People who don't pick up after their dogs shall have the poop smeared upon their foreheads in shame.
posted by Elly Vortex at 1:37 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
That sandwich that Ally Sheedy made in The Breakfast Club is to become the Official Sandwich of The United States of America.
posted by bondcliff at 1:38 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by bondcliff at 1:38 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: There are a lot of really funny ideas here. The ones I like are the ones that aren't straight jokes, but actually things that might make sense to legislate. I am not going to mark any best answers yet, but honestly I really do wish some third party candidate would step up.
posted by bove at 1:42 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by bove at 1:42 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
It's 2016. You should really be able to un-push an elevator button by now.
posted by Mchelly at 1:42 PM on March 15, 2016 [35 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 1:42 PM on March 15, 2016 [35 favorites]
Only parmesan in the canisters of ground parmesan!
You're really calling for solid chunks of Parmesan surrounded by impenetrable plastic then as the ground cheese will re-solidify.
posted by srboisvert at 1:45 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
You're really calling for solid chunks of Parmesan surrounded by impenetrable plastic then as the ground cheese will re-solidify.
posted by srboisvert at 1:45 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Anyone who makes a salary over $100K at a company must spend half an hour in the mandatory dunk tank at their annual company picnics.
posted by culfinglin at 1:47 PM on March 15, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by culfinglin at 1:47 PM on March 15, 2016 [8 favorites]
I would vote for anyone who mandated the inclusion of men's shirt and sweater sizes of Large-Medium or Small-Large.
posted by srboisvert at 1:48 PM on March 15, 2016
posted by srboisvert at 1:48 PM on March 15, 2016
I feel like Vermin Supreme covers a lot of good topics. Dental hygiene, free ponies, etc.
posted by small_ruminant at 1:48 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by small_ruminant at 1:48 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
It's too easy to politicize everything. Any change that has to be made requires spending or losing money, so it's an economic issue (changing door handles, capping movie prices) or a 'civil liberties' issue (microwaving fish, toilet paper direction). I'm actually having a hard time thinking of something that doesn't as least fall in to one of those two categories.
posted by greta simone at 1:48 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 1:48 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
A nationwide counselling program about when and where to properly use faux finishes and wallpaper. Repeat offenders will be added to the Home Offenders Registry and will be barred from working in home improvement stores, consulting on any home improvement projects, participating in any online or in person discussions of the home improvement nature, and limited to supervised visits with any individual or individuals who have recently purchased a home.
Other violations of the Make Homes Safe for Eyes Act include painting interior rooms "edgy" colors and not repainting before leaving or selling the home, "improving" historic homes by tearing out plaster and leaving the brick face bare, painting brick without pre-approval, forcing standard sized storm windows into window openings that require a custom size, and having ceilings and doors of variable height within one structure.
posted by teleri025 at 1:53 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
Other violations of the Make Homes Safe for Eyes Act include painting interior rooms "edgy" colors and not repainting before leaving or selling the home, "improving" historic homes by tearing out plaster and leaving the brick face bare, painting brick without pre-approval, forcing standard sized storm windows into window openings that require a custom size, and having ceilings and doors of variable height within one structure.
posted by teleri025 at 1:53 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
Make gum chewing illegal for those over the age of 10.
Hold elections on Saturdays or Sundays - not on Tuesdays.
posted by GoldenEel at 1:53 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Hold elections on Saturdays or Sundays - not on Tuesdays.
posted by GoldenEel at 1:53 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Nobody for President Nobody was not mentioned, so here's a link on the movement.
posted by effluvia at 2:05 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by effluvia at 2:05 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
It's 2016. You should really be able to un-push an elevator button by now.
It is claimed here that you can actually do that by now (along with a few other good elevator hacks). YMMV.
posted by beagle at 2:13 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
It is claimed here that you can actually do that by now (along with a few other good elevator hacks). YMMV.
posted by beagle at 2:13 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Working with Canada to change currency zones such that the east coasts of the US and Canada are on one dollar and the west coasts are on another. (I swear I've seen this idea floated by someone in the past but I cannot find it again.) /Canada US monetary union.
Abolishing current states and instituting the equal population map.
posted by emkelley at 2:13 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
Abolishing current states and instituting the equal population map.
posted by emkelley at 2:13 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
A spam filter for the USPS
posted by Ragged Richard at 2:14 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 2:14 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
You should watch the movie Brewster's Millions. Then run on a platform of "Vote: None of the Above."
posted by Michele in California at 2:22 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Michele in California at 2:22 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
You could require traffic circles at high-fatality intersections. Or eliminate them.
posted by zug at 2:30 PM on March 15, 2016
posted by zug at 2:30 PM on March 15, 2016
Add a vote of "no confidence" to all elections. If the majority of voters choose "no confidence" then all candidates must begin again and continue to campaign until someone is voted in.
Mandatory library orientation classes as a requirement of getting a library card. You must demonstrate that you understand that you can find the restrooms on your own and know where to return materials before using the library.
posted by blnkfrnk at 2:57 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Mandatory library orientation classes as a requirement of getting a library card. You must demonstrate that you understand that you can find the restrooms on your own and know where to return materials before using the library.
posted by blnkfrnk at 2:57 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Everything's political.
posted by justcorbly at 2:59 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by justcorbly at 2:59 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
All telephone customer service agents must be based in the US. I will gladly pay more for products if this is the case. Chat and email customer service can be offshored, I don't care.
posted by jabes at 3:05 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by jabes at 3:05 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
A spam filter for iOS.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:33 PM on March 15, 2016
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:33 PM on March 15, 2016
No workplace penalties allowed for customer service or tech support agents who hang up on callers who ask where they're based. Also, a small fine should be imposed on callers who don't believe you when you answer them.
posted by asperity at 3:36 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by asperity at 3:36 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Only hominy grits can be labeled grits.
Abolishing current states and instituting the equal population map.
Oh hell no. Its bad enough the Ozarks is split in two, now you want to gerrymandere us into complete irrelevance?
posted by ridgerunner at 3:38 PM on March 15, 2016
Abolishing current states and instituting the equal population map.
Oh hell no. Its bad enough the Ozarks is split in two, now you want to gerrymandere us into complete irrelevance?
posted by ridgerunner at 3:38 PM on March 15, 2016
Stiffer penalties for illegally parking in a handicapped spot "just for a sec".
-First offense - being required to go everywhere in a wheelchair for one month.
-Second offense - six months in a wheelchair
-Third offense - we'll just go ahead and start chopping bits off.
posted by Beti at 3:56 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
-First offense - being required to go everywhere in a wheelchair for one month.
-Second offense - six months in a wheelchair
-Third offense - we'll just go ahead and start chopping bits off.
posted by Beti at 3:56 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
Maybe take a page from the book of Jón Gnarr, who formed a satirical political party then ran as a total joke for mayor of Reykjavik and actually won:
"His political platform included promises of 'free towels in all swimming pools, a polar bear for the Reykjavík zoo, all kinds of things for weaklings, Disneyland in the Vatnsmýri area, a 'drug-free' Althing by 2020, sustainable transparency, tollbooths on the border with Seltjarnarnes, to do away with all debt, free access to Hljómskálagarðurinn (orchestral rotunda park).'
Both before and after being elected, Jón announced that he would not enter a coalition government with anyone that had not watched the HBO series The Wire."
posted by foxjacket at 4:17 PM on March 15, 2016 [7 favorites]
"His political platform included promises of 'free towels in all swimming pools, a polar bear for the Reykjavík zoo, all kinds of things for weaklings, Disneyland in the Vatnsmýri area, a 'drug-free' Althing by 2020, sustainable transparency, tollbooths on the border with Seltjarnarnes, to do away with all debt, free access to Hljómskálagarðurinn (orchestral rotunda park).'
Both before and after being elected, Jón announced that he would not enter a coalition government with anyone that had not watched the HBO series The Wire."
posted by foxjacket at 4:17 PM on March 15, 2016 [7 favorites]
Make both of these finable offenses: changing an baby's diaper on a restaurant/food court table; and not having a changing table or bathroom counter surface for customers to use for the purpose.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:45 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:45 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
No more skinny jeans on dudes.
If we need to make this equal-gender I'm ok with that too
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:46 PM on March 15, 2016
If we need to make this equal-gender I'm ok with that too
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:46 PM on March 15, 2016
Mandate immediate adoption of Ask Culture. Re-educate those of Guess Culture persuasion—allow them to rejoin polite society once they demonstrate proficiency in the ways of Ask.
posted by she's not there at 6:34 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by she's not there at 6:34 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
Full enforcement of traveling lane and passing lane rules.
posted by R a c h e l at 7:21 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by R a c h e l at 7:21 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
Strict enforcement of rules prohibiting dogs in grocery stores, near buffets, and otherwise around places where food is sold.
posted by zachlipton at 7:23 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by zachlipton at 7:23 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
(seeing-eye dogs excepted of course)
posted by zachlipton at 7:28 PM on March 15, 2016
posted by zachlipton at 7:28 PM on March 15, 2016
No candy or foodstuff is given "banana" flavor, except bananas, which shall not be fiddled with.
Emperor SnooKloze , you can pry my banana now-and-laters from my cold, dead hands. Along with the beloved banana Popsicles of my childhood.
Traitor.
posted by telepanda at 7:49 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Emperor SnooKloze , you can pry my banana now-and-laters from my cold, dead hands. Along with the beloved banana Popsicles of my childhood.
Traitor.
posted by telepanda at 7:49 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Unrelatedly, legalize traveling at the speed limit in the rightmost lane of a road.
posted by telepanda at 7:50 PM on March 15, 2016
posted by telepanda at 7:50 PM on March 15, 2016
That sandwich that Ally Sheedy made in The Breakfast Club is to become the Official Sandwich of The United States of America.
This except the sandwich Adam Sandler makes in Spanglish.
posted by sallybrown at 8:01 PM on March 15, 2016
This except the sandwich Adam Sandler makes in Spanglish.
posted by sallybrown at 8:01 PM on March 15, 2016
Mandatory (for those physically able) and easily accessible first aid classes and swim lessons for all children in the US.
posted by sallybrown at 8:07 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by sallybrown at 8:07 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
Voting on Saturdays and automatic voter registration (opt-out vs opt-in).
Support the USPS as it transitions to serve as a nationwide bank/credit union.
posted by samthemander at 9:01 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Support the USPS as it transitions to serve as a nationwide bank/credit union.
posted by samthemander at 9:01 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
Mandate that restaurants and grocery stores donate unsold food to charities rather than throwing it away.
posted by ourobouros at 9:09 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by ourobouros at 9:09 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
I would vote for anyone who mandated the inclusion of men's shirt and sweater sizes of Large-Medium or Small-Large.
Expanding on this, true standardization of sizes. I'm so tired of buying a small one place and a medium somewhere else and having them fit the same, when a medium from the first place fits like a tent.
Worse, i go back to the medium-fits store 6 months later and the medium shirts fit TOTALLY DIFFERENTLY.
And don't even get me started on buying two materials of shirt from the same place and having them fit like almost total opposites.
There's also strong arguments in here for abolishing wildly varying womens clothing sizing... but it's a thing with all clothing. Why the fuck do i have to buy 32 waist pants in one brand and 34 in the other? or 32 long vs 30?
This shit is as awful as the imperial system. I would be out in the street marching in face paint like some ridiculous sports fan for any candidate who was going to deal with this.
posted by emptythought at 9:10 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
Expanding on this, true standardization of sizes. I'm so tired of buying a small one place and a medium somewhere else and having them fit the same, when a medium from the first place fits like a tent.
Worse, i go back to the medium-fits store 6 months later and the medium shirts fit TOTALLY DIFFERENTLY.
And don't even get me started on buying two materials of shirt from the same place and having them fit like almost total opposites.
There's also strong arguments in here for abolishing wildly varying womens clothing sizing... but it's a thing with all clothing. Why the fuck do i have to buy 32 waist pants in one brand and 34 in the other? or 32 long vs 30?
This shit is as awful as the imperial system. I would be out in the street marching in face paint like some ridiculous sports fan for any candidate who was going to deal with this.
posted by emptythought at 9:10 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
Abolish those weak-ass electric hand dryers in restrooms and replace them with those super-powerful blowy ones.
posted by 4ster at 9:22 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by 4ster at 9:22 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
Most of the comments here seem to be of the jokey variety, whereas the examples in the OP are mostly things that have been seriously proposed. In that vein, I've heard it suggested that the day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday — either a new one, or a move of the holiday commonly known as President's Day (officially "Washington's Birthday") to that day.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:13 PM on March 15, 2016
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:13 PM on March 15, 2016
Financial education as part of math class or life skills classes required at the elementary, middle, and high school levels. (How to reconcile an account. How interest works. How credit cards and payday loans and 401(K)s work.
Reversal of all laws against performing kindnesses, like paying someone else's parking meter.
Serious punishment for spam and robocalls.
The creation of the equivalent of Schumer Boxes (used for comparing credit cards, apples to apples) for cellular phone plans, cable and internet providers, and similarly kooky pricing.
Require all outdoor advertising to be entertaining, but not dangerously so for drivers. Bring back Burma Shave!
Require that all cell phones work with all cell phone providers. Unlock the planet.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 10:45 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
Reversal of all laws against performing kindnesses, like paying someone else's parking meter.
Serious punishment for spam and robocalls.
The creation of the equivalent of Schumer Boxes (used for comparing credit cards, apples to apples) for cellular phone plans, cable and internet providers, and similarly kooky pricing.
Require all outdoor advertising to be entertaining, but not dangerously so for drivers. Bring back Burma Shave!
Require that all cell phones work with all cell phone providers. Unlock the planet.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 10:45 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
Free wifi across the entire country.
posted by sallybrown at 10:47 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by sallybrown at 10:47 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Voting day = Federal holiday
posted by mhum at 10:57 PM on March 15, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by mhum at 10:57 PM on March 15, 2016 [15 favorites]
Department of Energy is mandated to spend 20% of its research budget on projects that have a sub $10million dollar yearly budget inclusive of DOE grant. This will encourage a varaity of innovation as opposed to mostly big fusion projects.
posted by Sophont at 11:55 PM on March 15, 2016
posted by Sophont at 11:55 PM on March 15, 2016
Mandate immediate adoption of Ask Culture. Re-educate those of Guess Culture persuasion—allow them to rejoin polite society once they demonstrate proficiency in the ways of Ask.
This is borderline racist and xenophobic, since a lot of world cultures run on Guess Culture and find Ask Culture rather offensive.
If Queensland is any indication Daylight Savings Time is ridiculously political.
I too am having a hard time thinking of anything that's not going to have major political ramifications.
If you did run I'd call for the end of region-based blocking (the "you can't see this YouTube video from your location" BS) but oh boy the copyright fights you'd get into!
posted by divabat at 3:20 AM on March 16, 2016
This is borderline racist and xenophobic, since a lot of world cultures run on Guess Culture and find Ask Culture rather offensive.
If Queensland is any indication Daylight Savings Time is ridiculously political.
I too am having a hard time thinking of anything that's not going to have major political ramifications.
If you did run I'd call for the end of region-based blocking (the "you can't see this YouTube video from your location" BS) but oh boy the copyright fights you'd get into!
posted by divabat at 3:20 AM on March 16, 2016
Mandatory home economics in junior and high schools (how to allot a household budget, fix a leaky sink, change a diaper, cook rice/meat/eggs/vegetables, plan a season's clothes purchases for a kid or an adult, clean a bathroom, change a tire, figure out what kind of doctor a kid needs to see...)
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:46 PM on March 16, 2016
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:46 PM on March 16, 2016
all left turns at stoplights must be protected (ie have their designated time to turn with a green arrow, oncoming traffic stopped with a red.) Would you believe I was not made aware of unprotected lefts when I learned to drive? Nearly killed a whole bunch of people the first time I encountered one.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:54 PM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:54 PM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Pedestrian rights!!! Heels before wheels!
posted by divabat at 5:24 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by divabat at 5:24 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
Ban all open-plan offices. Because focusing on your onerous job is difficult enough without there being no wall between you and the work "colleague" imposed on you shouting, in graphic detail, about the state of his hemorrhoids down the phone to his doctor's receptionist.
That is my sole manifesto pledge. Vote Wordshore/Quidnunc Kid 2016 so you can actually get stuff done at your place of work. Thank you.
posted by Wordshore at 6:39 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
That is my sole manifesto pledge. Vote Wordshore/Quidnunc Kid 2016 so you can actually get stuff done at your place of work. Thank you.
posted by Wordshore at 6:39 AM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
Outlaw fax machines.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:08 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:08 PM on March 17, 2016 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
BRING BACK FIREFLY.
posted by Etrigan at 12:28 PM on March 15, 2016 [11 favorites]